Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Well, well, well. Ooh. Oh, no, no.

Yes. Ah. Hiss.

Ahhh! Um...

Quite windy today. Yeah.

Christ. Whoo. Wrong way.

That's how you do it, baby. OK.

Oh, my God.

Ah. Ah.

Ooh. SHE VOCALISES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, thank you.

I'm Greg Davies, welcome to Taskmaster.

The only show on television that conclusively proves that all

of life's struggles are ultimately pointless

and that the gods are just toying with us before death.

And hello to all our younger viewers.

Let the trials commence.

Let's meet our five competitors

from wildly different parts of the globe.

Like the north of England,

Dublin, the north of England,

the west of England and the north of England.

Please welcome Joanne McNally... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..John Robins... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Nick Mohammed... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Sophie Willan... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Steve Pemberton. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And sitting next to me, a man who admitted

to me that he photocopied

an elderly relative's blue parking badge

so that he could enjoy the "Hollywood spaces"

near the entrance to Tesco... LAUGHTER

..it's little Alex Horne! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, Greg.

Hi, mate. You all right?

I'm, I'm, I'm feeling good, I'm looking great.

I think I've cracked it. I've got a new health regime. It's so simple.

Honestly, I don't go to the gym.

It's just dog walking. 45 minutes a day - dog walking.

So the opening section of the show is you...

You've walked your dog a bit and you feel like you've lost some weight?

No, not quite. No, no, 45 minutes dog walking.

Do you want me to show you? Ah, yeah. It's like that.

45 minutes a day, at least. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, on with the prize task, then.

Jolly good. Yes,

you've got it, poppet, and this week they've brought in...

LAUGHING

You know I don't like that.

I don't...I don't like "you've got it, poppet". No... No, I know.

You got it, poppet.

And this week, they've brought in the most fun thing

to turn upside down.

So there will be five points for the most fun thing

to turn upside down, and all five fun things will go home

with the episode winner, who can keep them

whichever way up they bloody well want.

Welcome, contestants.

Steve. Start with you today. How are you?

I'm very well, thank you, poppet. How are you?

LAUGHING

What have you brought me that you can turn upside down

that I'll have fun with? A calculator. Ahhh.

Yes, he has.

I know where you're going with this... Yeah.

..and I approve this message.

Do you know the number?

Uh, is it 8-0-0-8?

It's 5-3-1-8-0-0-8.

And here it is. Yeah. Yeah.

You turn that upside down.

You're saying that I don't, like I don't know this.

Boobies.

Well, I thought you might find boobies a little bit limited...

Wrong. So...

As well as your boobies...

What else have you got for me?

..I thought it might be nice to compose a calculator haiku.

Oh, wow. Um...

So a haiku, obviously, is a Japanese poem with,

uh, five syllables, seven syllables and five syllables.

We go to a haiku club every Sunday.

So this is a calculator haiku.

Big boss gobbles eggs.

His hole oozes shizzle. LAUGHTER

Gosh, beige blobs soil his shoes.

Steve, I'm genuinely impressed. Well done. Thank you.

Who's next? Sophie?

What have you brought in that's nice turned upside down?

Steak pudding. LAUGHTER

It's one of a,

a northern delicacy. It's very beautiful, poppet. I...

You just... LAUGHTER

You steam it.

It's got gravy in the centre with steak chunks.

Sorry. Can you ask Sophie if she thinks I don't know what a pie is?

I think you may have missed the point of this.

You can't just tell me a thing you like eating.

Well, it's the most fun thing to turn upside down.

They're very satisfying to pull... Yeah. The...the tinfoil off. Yeah.

Thank you, Steve. I concur, I concur.

And if you had two of them at the same time...

Boobies.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

John.

Greg. What have you brought us?

I have brought in, uh, the Chicago Bulls logo.

I'm familiar with it, a lovely big bull. Yes.

Why is it gonna be fun when I turn it upside down?

I don't like to curse too much on telly, Greg,

cos my mum'll be watching this, but there's,

there's no other way to describe this to you,

what happens when you turn it upside down. OK.

It looks like a robot fucking a crab.

LAUGHING

Yet another of my fantasies.

Here we go. OK.

LAUGHING Oh, yeah.

I don't... What's the positioning?

It is a sad robot making sweet love to a crab.

From behind, got it. That's what I mean.

The robot isn't happy about this.

The...the robot is angry. But also it's,

it's a challenge to initiate it,

because they're obviously moving left to right.

Maybe the robot's angry cos he's got a nasty case of humans.

Oh. LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE

Nick.

Well, if you bring up the picture, then I'll be able

to explain. So a friend of my mum's

at the church that she goes to went on holiday and, um,

brought them all back these lovely vases.

LAUGHING

And my mum popped some flowers in, watered the flowers,

and then the following week said to him, was like, "Oh, I'm so sorry

"it's just, it is just leaking".

And he was like, "It is a drum." LAUGHING

This is a debate,

but I put it to you that there's not a person in this room

who didn't think, "Why's someone put flowers in that drum?" Yeah.

That's the opposite of what she thought.

Joanne? Yes. So you know the way bats, they hang normally upside down

but if you flip a bat around

so it's facing up when it's upside down.

Let's start again.

Bats sleep upside down. Bats sleep upside down traditionally.

And what you're saying is if you flip a bat while... Flip it up. ..while it's sleeping.

So it looks like it's standing up but it's actually upside down. Yeah.

It looks like kind of a Goth disco.

First of all this is what she's brought in, which is a bat. Yeah.

But what this bat represents is a Goth disco... Yeah.

..demonstrated here by some bats. ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

That's good. That is good.

Big spooky capes and... They're very Florence and the Machine.

Oh, God. I'm gonna actually have to think about

the points and just pop pudding at the bottom.

LAUGHING

I think I'm gonna give the crab three points.

And then I'm gonna give the drum four points,

because I just think it's adorable.

And, uh, the bats are just haunting

and Steve's genius should be rewarded for all that work

so I'll give bats and Steve five points. Oh, right.

OK, Joanne and Steve get five points.

OK, let's get going. What have you got for me, Alex?

A former Romanian football player, Greg, because the five

competitors are about to try their hand at Petrescu.

Pet rescue - they're gonna rescue a pet.

Here we go.

SHE LAUGHS Joanne.

Looks like a fantasy of mine.

Is it? Yeah. Well, we do our best. We did a lot of research.

I'm aroused. LAUGHING

They're all Greg's. He's quite tender.

That makes sense, yeah. Yeah.

Are they all in his bed at night? Yes. Cool.

Good morning, Alex. Hello, John.

This is the task? No envelope.

Missing. Rescue the cat.

Goes by the name Patatas.

Goes by... HE LAUGHS

Goes by the name of Patatas. As in patatas bravas?

The cat must come out of the top hole.

There's a hole in the top of the dome.

Is there...is there a claw? Do I have to man a claw? It's up to you.

Your head may not enter the dome.

The door must remain closed.

This door, but I've gotta keep my head out?

I don't know where the cat is amongst this lot. Right.

Fastest wins.

Your time starts now, I suppose, eh?

Right. OK. I don't have a clue, actually.

OK, I'm ready. APPLAUSE

I've always wanted to be in one of those machines.

Have a swim. Yeah.

And then pulled out by a claw.

Has anyone ever won any on one of those things?

Never. I, yeah, quite often.

LAUGHTER It's just technique and practice.

Have you won on one of those things? No.

OK. Let's go.

Let's see them try to get Patatas out of a big dome.

OK. First up we're gonna see Joanne fulfil her fantasy

and Steve fulfil his contractual obligations. Here we go.

The door must remain closed.

Oh, my God, it is a claw!

Amazing.

Oh, Patatas, Patatas.

Have you definitely, definitely read all the instructions? Uh, yes, uh,

yeah. The door must remain closed. I'm just seeing that the zip works.

All right, OK. Let's do it... If you think that... No, let's do it the hard way.

So I have to find the... I see the cat there!

God, I wouldn't be rescuing that cat if it was mine.

It looks like a bad job of taxidermy.

LAUGHING

OK, so, I'm assuming this is relevant in some way.

Ah, right. We've got a...an opening.

Um, now, I thought I saw Patatas.

But how do I encourage him towards...

Oh, he's gotta go out the top hole.

I'm gonna try and fashion a noose for the cat's neck.

You didn't say it had to come out alive, it just had to come out.

Have you used a ladder before? LAUGHING

Hold on.

Ah. OK.

Hold the ladder. Pfft.

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

That's a big hook. It's a big hook.

Big hook for a big job.

OK. Come on, Patatas.

Be bravas. Where is he?

Come on.

If I grab the cat and just throw it out the top.

OK. If this goes back in now,

I'm just gonna throw myself in front of a car.

Oh...

Oh...

Ah. SHE LAUGHS DEFEATEDLY

I can't go through it all again, I've no hooks left.

I wonder, could I blow him over?

LAUGHING

Remember your head can't go in. It's not in at the moment.

Yes, head's not in.

Come on, Patatas.

Come on.

Oh, is that Patatas?

OK. HE GRUNTS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, I've stopped the clock, Steve.

See ya. Bye-bye.

Maybe I could drag it back over.

Yeah...

Oh, this is actually quite good, this thing.

Should've gone with that at the start.

Right, there he is.

"The cat must come out of the top hole."

Like, the other option is to put rope through the roof

and tie it.

OK. Tie the rope really fucking tight.

Oh, I've got an idea.

Can it go in the top and then come back out?

Ah-ha-ha. Up we go.

If you fucking detach... LAUGHING

No...

He's out.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I...I should acknowledge, "Come on, Patatas. Be bravas."

You see, you're coming over to my side now. I am not.

Joanne. You were very pleased when you came up with the rope idea.

I was, yeah. You were. And I asked if we could just isolate

your facial expression when you came up with your rope idea.

LAUGHING

If you didn't know what the task was, that would be

a very troubling still.

LAUGHING

We're...we're back into crab and robot territory there.

How did Joanne do?

The task was to rescue the cat

and she did all that in 22 minutes 20 seconds.

Oh, right. Good. APPLAUSE

I'd save your applause. APPLAUSE STOPS

Bear in mind that Steve did it in 2 minutes 19.

LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE

Right. Time for some adverts now.

BORING!!!

APPLAUSE

You have returned just in the nick of time.

There's a cat that needs rescuing, and he goes by the name of Patatas.

Yes, Patatas keeps getting stuck in the dome, poor thing,

and now it's time for Nick and Sophie

to let the cat out of the bag.

OK. Now, can I go and get some stuff? OK.

Er, I'm just off to the shed.

Do you know what? Sod it. I'm just gonna go in.

That's sort of like a cat, isn't it? That fur.

Ah! A cat.

That's actually a cat.

Oh, no, it's a wolf.

I can, I can see the cat. Oh, yeah.

Think the idea is to sort of make a little pole thing.

Oh, I might just go with the panda, you know.

Oh, there he is! I can see him.

You've found Patatas.

I could make like a really sticky end.

Make a sticky end.

Yeah. All right, let me go and have a look in the shed.

I need a fishing rod.

It's about fishing. It's about fishing, isn't it?

OK, this looks good. This looks good.

Right, couple of magnets. Oh, yeah?

Couple of magnets and a sticky end, I think.

Couple of magnets and a sticky end.

Right down we go.

In.

I'm so close to the bastard. Come on!

Right, here we go.

HE GASPS Oh, my God.

Oh, it's actually heavier than it...it looks.

Now, if I was taller... Big if. Huge if.

Patatas.

Can... Are you allowed to go in?

Right, I order you to go and pick him up and put him on my hook.

Now, my head, my arm can go in, can't it? Oh, yeah.

Between us, we might do this. Oh, you've got it.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness.

I think I've done it.

God, come on. Oh, hang on, it's very heavy, actually.

They didn't say it would be heavy. Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

Yes, Patatas. Right, here we go.

So...

Yes!

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

IN SLOW MOTION: Ye-e-e-s.

There you go.

So, you've rescued the cat in the traditional method

of flinging it onto a roof.

Yes, you, come on, you little bastard.

Come on. He's nearly here.

Come on. Woo!

IN SLOW MOTION: Woo! Woo!

We've stopped the clock.

Good work.

I'm glad you rescued Patatas.

Yeah. Yeah, do you like him?

He's all right. I feel a bit resentful but, yeah, thank you.

I get the impression that neither of you were particularly concerned

about Patatas' welfare during that.

Every man for themself, I think, isn't it? Yeah. Every cat.

Yeah. Did it say that we had to protect its welfare?

No, I just think I expected a sort of internal kindness

from you, Nick.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

What's Nick's system called? Couple of magnets and a sticky end.

Ah. Yes.

And then you flung it through the hole. The time was...

60 minutes? ..14 minutes. Oh.

14 minutes. Sophie took ten minutes...

Ah! ..to spot, to spot Patatas.

She took 26 minutes and six seconds.

One person left. Famously, cats catch robins,

but can robins catch cat?

This has got to be something, hasn't it?

What's that for?

Why is there that on the end?

Argh! Is that good?

AUDIENCE GROANS

Here we go.

APPLAUSE

Patatas?

Patatas!

I've stopped the clock, John. Bye-bye! Bye-bye.

Can I just add that over the past few minutes

of watching everybody else's, I've been having

a very slow-level heart attack

because I thought, "Did you remember to take it out of the top hole?"

You'll be thrilled to hear you did pop it out of the right hole.

I, I did. I've miss... Yeah, I'm panicking.

But... But. ..unfortunately... What?!

..I do have to disqualify you.

No! What?!

No, I'm only joking. Oh, my God!

I'm actually sweating.

There is, there is slight extra news, though.

No! We did heavily edit that.

You got very suspicious, first of all, that there was no cat at all.

Then you thought the boxing glove might be a distraction.

Then you opened the grabber. Then you went to the shed to look for a hook,

and then you came back. Your total time was three minutes 24,

which is actually one minute slower than Steve. Ah...

So the actual timings - Sophie gets one point, obviously.

Two to Joanne, three to Nick,

four to John, but five, in the end, to Steve Pemberton.

Scoreboard, please.

Yes, well, we have three people - Joanne, Nick and John -

all on seven points. Sophie's on two,

and Steve's in the lead with ten points. Hooray!

OK, please, may we have a team task, Alex?

Ooh, yes. Good shout, Greg-apotamus.

And, whoops, I think... I think...

Whoopsie, I think we've blown the visual effects budget

for the whole series. Watch this.

Hello.

Aha!

Jesus, John. Wh... What?

Bit ruthless there. I'm so sorry.

Alex?

Where's Alex?

Do you think we have to find him?

No.

Oh, God.

Woo! Oh, dear. Woo!

A floating envelope and a floating head.

Amazing! Oh, I caught it.

Well done.

Oh.

Oh.

Thank you. Are you a green screen?

Yeah, I'm a green screen.

Right.

Do the most epic thing using green material

and this green screen onesie.

You have 30 minutes. Your time starts now.

Why is it only green material, though?

It turns everything invisible.

So... I don't understand.

Alex, I think we're gonna spend about 25 minutes

working out what green screen is.

And then we're gonna come back with a plan.

OK. Yeah. My head's gonna float away now.

Is it really?

But no, cos it's not green behind you.

Doesn't have to be. Doesn't it?

Thank you.

Well done, Alex. See you later.

APPLAUSE

There's a certain little smug look you get on your face when you,

when you've done a thing you like.

You liked the floating head didn't you?

Yeah. I don't understand it, either, but it is...

Cos I couldn't see my body at all. It's so weird.

OK, shall we start? Let's go.

Let's start with the crazy guys,

Nick and Steve, and their epic vision.

Pancakes...

ECHOING: Pancakes.

ECHOING: Pancakes.

ECHOING: Pancakes.

ECHOING: Pancakes.

Mm!

Pancakes.

Mm!

Pancake?

How is it?

Epic.

APPLAUSE

Because it was supposed to be the most ambitious thing,

I was thinking, you know, the scale of ambition

perhaps could've been better, until the mouth came out.

Just the fact that a, a wormhole appears,

if I may call your mouth that.

That's fine. Was there much of a narrative, Steve, in your mind?

I was just trying to give, you know, man who's decided he wants pancakes

and is conjuring them up somehow.

I, I thought he seemed quite smug.

Yeah...Yeah. The pancake guy.

Well, that's just a bit of me coming through.

Right, break time.

Close your eyes, count to 180

and those nasty little adverts will have disappeared. Ready?

Go!

APPLAUSE

Hello, and a warm welcome back to part three of Taskmaster.

We're in the middle of a task where they have to do some epic things.

Yeah, man, while wearing green or blue onesies

and using green or blue material,

they can let their imaginations go wild with the endless

possibilities of visual effects.

For example, the team of two made, er, pancakes.

Now it's the other team's turn to blow us away

with their epic visuals. It's John, Joanne and Sophie.

It's very dull being a Tudor queen.

I just wish something exciting would happen.

Oh!

Oh! Lick me.

You what? Lick, lick me. I'm magic.

You're magic? Oh, go on, then.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Oh, gosh!

Woo!

Oh, a floating clock.

Oh, God, oh, God! Oh, bloody hell, it's,

it's an armless mannequin.

What time is it? Oh, God.

I'm about to take flight, John.

Quite soon, I think.

Ooh! Ooh, God, I am. I'm off!

Oh, blimey!

Ooh! Oof! Sorry, oh, sorry.

Sorry, sorry, John. Fucking hell.

I didn't... Ooh!

Ooh! I might be able to fly.

Woo!

I can. Oh, dear.

Oh, I'm flying!

Ugh. Oh, bloody Nora!

Slow flight but good flight.

APPLAUSE

Ah, the classic cry of the Tudor queen -

"Bloody Nora, I'm flying!"

It's actually much better than I remember.

Is it? Yeah.

I... You wanna, you wanna have seen the state of us on the day.

It was carnage.

Can I just tell you what I saw as a viewer?

Right. A Tudor queen.

She licks a frog. Mm.

Six unconnected objects float over her head.

Yeah. And she announces that she's gonna fly off and she does.

She tells John she's going to as well. Yes.

Also, the unconnected items, I would argue they're not

as unconnected as you've said. We've got...

There's no need to take that withering tone with me, John.

We've got two different peppers.

A red pepper and a yellow pepper to symbolise heat

and s...the sun.

Then we've got the, er, armless torso to represent...

Toxic masculinity. Exactly.

APPLAUSE

Erm, is there any part of you, Steve, that thinks

that yours was more epic than the team of three?

Erm, no.

LAUGHTER

Theirs was more ambitious, more epic. Ours was more...better.

I'm gonna score them both very highly cos I,

I enjoyed them both very much.

I'm gonna give the team of three one more point.

I'll give them five points, and I'll give the beautifully done

but sedate pancake journey four points.

There we go. Congratulations, everyone.

One more task, please, little Alex Horne.

OK, and now it's time to get hot and sticky in the lab.

Ooh!

Ah, you again. Hi, John.

Ah, OK. Yeah, I see what's going on here.

Where's the...? There's no task.

What is it? Where is it?

One thing I don't have, er...

WHISPERS: Jesus, you guys.

Magnets.

"Stick the heaviest thing to the board using three of

"the ingredients on the shelves."

"Once you've chosen your ingredients,

"you may not change your mind."

"Heaviest thing that sticks to the board

"for at least one minute wins."

Have you actually tested any of this, though?

Am I a lab rat again?

"You have 12 minutes and you must choose your thing

"in the first two minutes."

So, you're looking for the heaviest thing to stick to the board,

and it's got to stay there for a minute.

And I've got to create some kind of unguent.

Is that a word? Sounds good.

Your time starts now.

I've two minutes to decide what thing.

Out of anything in the whole world. Wait, anything in the whole world?

That you can get within two minutes.

OK.

This is science, basically. This is science.

This is Elon Musk shit. It really is.

APPLAUSE

What did you say you want, Steve, an unguent?

Yes, I, I lost confidence in the word halfway through.

Well, I asked Alex to look it up and it means a lubricant for sores.

Lubricant for sores?! Yeah.

What did I mean?

I dunno. Maybe you were chafing that day.

Who are we going to see now, Alex?

First up, here is Sticky Steve, Stick Mohammed and Joanne McTacky.

Here we go.

OK, I went for...

..a big thing of water.

I don't know which is heavier.

There is a set of scales there, if that would help.

Oh, sh...!

Are we going with David? Yeah. OK.

76g.

16g.

83. I'll go with the fish.

I've never adhesed anything before. Never at all?

No, it's my first time adhesing. OK.

I'm gonna go with Sellotape, with Velcro.

Marmite. The classic.

What's this? Can I use this? What is it?

Silicone.

Ah. Gonna use those.

Velcro.

That. Styling gel. And silicone.

Sellotape should do it. Bowl of toffees. Blu Tack.

OK, so it's toffee, Blu Tack, and Sellotape.

Sellotape, yeah.

Ah!

OK.

Here we go. OK. You've got five minutes 50.

Oh!

That's satisfying, isn't it? There you go. Lovely.

OK, so, I mean, I...

HE LAUGHS WHEEZILY

There's only one bit of Sellotape. That is... Ah.

Now, I don't know if this allowed.

But...

..sort of put my sock....

It's a big sock, isn't it?

Oh, God, it's not gonna work.

It's not gonna do it on its own.

HE LAUGHS

You buggers!

Oh, come on. OK, actually, that's fine.

I'm gonna stick that there just...a sec.

Pretty good.

Oh, he's an awkward bugger.

It's absolutely no good.

It's no good.

Then I could use some of this.

Are you gonna use any Marmite? I don't think it's necessary.

Start the clock. OK, the clock is started.

SIGHS: OK.

He looks quite calm.

Erm... MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

This is, this is great television.

15 seconds gone.

Ooh, God. Does the sock even stick?

There you go. We'll leave that for a minute. Yeah.

45 seconds gone.

I'm pleased.

Ten.

Never spent this long looking at a naked man before.

I thought I'd nailed it, if I'm honest.

Joanne, it's now been there for a minute. You have succeeded.

WHISTLE BLOWS

And that's a minute. OK.

So...

I'll see if I can find you a new sock. Thank you.

..one. WHISTLE BLOWS

You've succeeded.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

APPLAUSE

So, your summary of your technique would be pick something

relatively light... Yeah.

..and just smush it against the board with whatever.

Yeah. LAUGHTER

Don't fuck with the system. Just get it done, get out.

LAUGHTER

I could smell the lunch. LAUGHTER

You relied on Blu Tack.

Blu Tack and a chewy toffee.

And you think that gave extra stability to the statue of David?

I thi... Yeah, I think so.

I think that that bit of toffee, right in his crack...

LAUGHTER

..was the unguent that he needed.

That's it.

From time to time, on this show, we start out watching

a...an adult doing a task,

and what we end up witnessing is a full break down.

LAUGHTER

You abandoned your idea with the water bottle.

You used Velcro to attach a sock, which was not the intended object,

and more pertinently, not a heavy object. Hmm.

And it didn't stick anyway. No.

Then you smeared hair gel and silicone at the sides of it.

Hmm.

And then, that fell off. Now... LAUGHTER

What...what part of that makes you think I'm mad?

LAUGHTER

I genuinely found myself feeling sorry for you, like...

In a way that would get me some points or...? No!

LAUGHTER

Did he get it to stick for a while? Not the bottle, no.

The bottle was... Well, he chose the bottle - it didn't stick.

I don't think he did the task.

He didn't. Well I imagine that Joanne's fish

is as light as a feather.

No, it's...it's as a light as four mice.

I told you, I lack ambition. 86 grams, four mice.

Steve's, 33 and a half mice.

713 grams.

Nice. One part left to go,

and in it, someone will go home with a biggish calculator.

Come on! We'll see you in a minute.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome back. And to our Welsh viewers,

also hello.

LAUGHTER

There's a task in the lab which still needs completion.

Sticky, Alex? Oh, yes, Greg,

but that's what happens when Daddy forgets to talc me.

Tut-tut-tut. LAUGHTER

Coincidentally, the task in play is also a sticky one.

Finally, Sophie and John take to the board.

Have you chosen your item? I've chosen my item,

and I'm now questioning it a lot.

It's a star. It's coming off the wall.

Great.

OK, OK. I'll select the thing. I'm gonna go chopping board.

That's a big star.

Yeah, but I think the trick is something here, you see?

Could actually... STAR BANGS

Not gone well.

Please don't hurt yourself. Not gone well.

Actually, it's quite hef... It's a bit...probably too heavy.

Should've picked it up first.

So, we're starting with Sellotape and Velcro?

Yeah. OK.

I think I went too big, didn't I? Well, it's massive.

Yeah. I got greedy.

Right, this is very silly, but I'm gonna just try this

cos I wonder, if you put enough of these on,

whether it actually holds.

I didn't think I was a competitive person,

but something's happened to me over the time I've been doing this,

and I've fundamentally changed as a person, I think.

LAUGHTER

Right.

Surprising, in't it.

Right, let's give this a go.

It's an initial...

..an initial go.

Start the cock, please. Cock...clock!

Start the clock, please. LAUGHTER

Clock's going.

I've actually smashed the shit out of this.

LAUGHTER Let's be honest.

We were all surprised.

Wasn't expecting that.

That is absolutely bloody fabulous. LAUGHTER

OK. While that's happening,

I'm gonna pick two more.

Ah, but I haven't got any liquid.

AUDIENCE GROANS Son of a bitch.

LAUGHTER

I'll just put some nice sweets around

for whoever might fancy one.

That's lovely, in't it.

It is wonderful.

We're just gonna get the flour and honey.

Right, we're going... HE LAUGHS

..we're going with the flour, honey and Blu Tack.

Oh, but this might not be a bad idea actually.

This looks just like glue.

There is engineers watching this, going,

"He's absolutely nailed this."

LAUGHTER

For...for centuries,

humankind has been mixing...

No, that's absolute crap. ALEX LAUGHS

How bad is that?

It has...it has been up there for a minute now.

That's fantastic, in't it? See you later.

Bye-bye.

Right, it's a case of dotting the paste.

I think what I'm doing here is making the chopping board heavier.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Please let go. Start the timer, please.

How long have we got left? 20 seconds.

Shit the bed. Shit the bed. Shit the bed. Shit the bed!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, you summed it up yourself, really, didn't you?

Yeah. "I've absolutely smashed the shit out of this."

I think my intelligence may lie in manual labour.

LAUGHTER

Structural integrity, I fucking knew.

You...you're talking with the passion

of a turn-of-the-century mill worker.

LAUGHTER

It was a very heavy star. It was 3.3kg.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

John, I had such hope for you.

At one point, I thought, "This man is gonna be the face of Blu Tack

"if he pulls it off." LAUGHTER

I think I forgot you could pick anything in the world

to stick to the white board. Yeah.

And I suddenly fixated on the stuff that was in front of me.

And just, solely, the chopping board.

And you used honey and flour to try and... Was it honey?

Well, after the Blu Tack failed, he said,

"We're now entering the world of paste."

LAUGHTER

Let's give some points out.

Nick and John both chose heavy things

but didn't manage to stick them on.

So, it's zero points to John and Nick.

Joanne, you get a full three points for your 85 gram fish.

Keep it simple. Steve, four points.

But Sophie's was four times heavier than his. Wow. Wow.

And she gets the full five points! Well done, Sophie.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's see a scoreboard, shall we?

OK. Well, Nick, at the bottom, I'm afraid, with 11 points.

And, Steve, at the top with 18 points, at the moment.

WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

Very good. Right, can you please all head to the stage

for the final task of the show?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, there, baby cakes.

That's me. Who's reading the task out?

Sophie Willan.

"Guess the movie that your team-mate is saying.

"Your team-mate can only say

"the first three letters of each word of the movie title.

"Most movies in each round wins.

One member of the team will go inside the movie booth.

And they'll pop their head through the little hole.

I will show you some cards with movie titles in.

And they will also have the first three letters of each word.

So if it said "Jurassic Park", it will also say, "JUR PAR".

And all you're allowed to say is, "JUR PAR".

"JUR PAR". "JUR PAR". There's gonna be three rounds.

The team of two are gonna go first. Nick, please enter the booth.

There we go. Oh, lovely.

Lovely stuff. OK, good luck, everyone.

Your time starts when I reveal the first card. OK, OK.

Good luck. And off we go.

"THE NUT PRO." "THE NUT..." The Nutty Professor.

TING Yeah.

"PUL FIC." Pulp Fiction.

TING Ooh.

"BAM." Bambi.

TING "FIG CLU."

LAUGHTER Pardon?"FIG CLU."

"FIG CLU."

Fig? "CLU."

"FIH CLU." "FI CL-Uh", "FI CL-Uh". Fi-cloo. Fi-cloo to you.

I thought... Fight Club!

TING Yes.

"THE..." "THE SOM ABO MAR."

There's Something About... There's Something About Mary.

TING Yes.

"SAV PRI RYA."

LAUGHTER

Say...?

"SAV PRI RYA." Saving Private Ryan!

TING Yes.

KLAXON

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They've scored a total of six movies.

Not bad, not bad.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

Ready? OK. Right.

Good luck, Sophie. Thank you. Your time starts now.

"DUR."

Goldfinger. "DUR."

Pass.

Oh. "THE GOO."

LAUGHTER

"THE GOO."

"THE GOO."

Goonies. Yes!

TING The Goonies.

"TIT."

Titanic.

TING "WON..." "WON WOM."

Wonder Woman. Wonder.

TING "WHA WOM WAN."

What Women Want. TING

"MOU ROU." Moulin Rouge.

TING "HEA."Heat.

TING "THE SHA RED."

Shawshank Redemption. Yes!

TING "SEV."Seven.

TING "THE BOU IDE."

The Bourne Identity.Yeah! TING

KLAXON Ooh.Oh.

Well done. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Only one pass there. "GOO." It was Goodfellas.

Ah. Goodfellas.

That team scored a total of eight movies. Wow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1-0.

Time for Steve Pemberton to enter the booth.

I will enter the booth.

LAUGHTER

Steve, your time starts now.

"THE MAT."

Matrix, The Matrix. TING

"THE MUM."The Mummy. TING

"BRA."

Braveheart. TING

"DON BRA."

Donnie Da... "DON BRA." Dom Brasco?

"DON! Donnie Brasco?

Yeah. Correct. TING

"MIL DOL BAB."

Million Dollar Baby. TING

"MIS IMP."

Mr Impr... "MIS IMP." Mr Incredible? Um, uh...

"MIS IMP." "MIS IMP." LAUGHTER

"MIS..." Mission Impossible.

TING, KLAXON

APPLAUSE They scored six movies.

There we are. APPLAUSE

John, please go into the booth.

Hello, Alex. Hello, John.

LAUGHTER

"THO."

Foursome. "THO."

Thor.

TING "BAD SAN."

Bad Santa.

TING "SNA."

Snatch. TING

"BAT BEG."

"BAT BIG."

Batman, Big Man. LAUGHTER

"BAT BEG."

Batman...

"BEG."Batman Begins. Begins! TING

"THE BOU SUP."

The Bourne Supremacy. TING

"JUM."

Jumungo.

"JUM."Jumanji. TING

"MEE THE PAR."

Meet The Parents. Meet The...

"THE USH SUS." The Usual Suspects. The Usual Suspects.

"M..."

"MRS DOU."

Doubtfire. Doubtfire.

KLAXON They got eight. Congratulations.

APPLAUSE

Well done.

Can I ask which cinema I can see Batman Big Man in?

LAUGHTER

And if that's sold out, can I see Jumungo somewhere?

We are gonna make it harder in round three. Oh, no.

You're now gonna say the last three letters of each movie.

What? Wow.

Yeah. Nick, please enter the booth for a second time.

This is terrifying.

Your time starts now.

"ROY."

Rob Roy?

"ROY." Roy? "ROY." "ROY."

Roy. "ROY." Roy.

Pass.

"RON MAN." "RON MAN."

Something "ron", something "man". "RON MAN."

Something...something... Iron Man! Yes!

TING "EED."

LAUGHTER "EED."

Eed? "EED." Eed.

S...Speed? Yes! TING

"ULL TAL KET."

ULL TAL KET." Old...Old Town Market.

Oh, no. LAUGHTER

"ULL TAL KET."

Huh? "ULL TAL KET."

Full Metal Jacket. Yes! TING

KLAXON

APPLAUSE

They got three. They did not get "ROY."

Troy. It is Troy. Ah!

Out you come, Nick. Out you come. OK.

Joanne... Yep. ..please enter the booth. So, it's three to beat.

If they do that, it's a whitewash. OK, happy?

Yeah. Just getting comfy.

You don't look comfy, Joanne. LAUGHTER

I'm glad you've got a body normally.

It's a lot, the face on its own, isn't it? It is a bit. I know.

LAUGHTER So, last three letters,

starting now.

"ION..." "THE..." So...

"ION ING."

"THE ION ING."

The Shining. No.

"ION ING."

"THE..."Pass. SHE GROWLS

LAUGHTER

"BEE. "BEE."

"BEE." "BEE." It's more difficult than Speed.

LAUGHTER Try that one for a laugh.

Um... Ah, for fuck's sake. LAUGHTER

"ISS ISS ANG ANG."

Oh, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Yeah! TING

They got one. That was... SOPHIE: That was a tough round.

Oh, yeah. "THE ION ING." You will kick yourself.

Steve got it. The Lion King. Oh, my God. The Lion King.

And Barbie was "BIE". Oh.

Oh, come on! LAUGHTER

So, that means team of three got two, the team of two got one.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come down and join me. We'll add that to the final scores.

Very tight game in the end. 2-1.

Well, they clawed one back.

Five points to the team of three. Add them on. Yes.

Three points to the others?

Which means, Nick... Yes.

..you came last. Oh.

Tight at the top, though. Joanne,

a massive 20 points.

But the winner, for a second week in a row is Steve, with 21 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's running away with it!

Steve Pemberton wins.

Please head upside down to the stage and upturn your prizes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media