Original subtitles

I am so tired of stupid people.

Most people are only smart at one thing in their lives, maximum.

And I'm tired of sleeping with stupid women.

So then I was telling Jessica there is no way that Snoopy is cuter than Scooby

-Doo. I mean, right?

I don't know.

Exactly. I mean, Snoopy never even talked.

Who wants to be around somebody who never talks?

Am I right? Yeah, but Scooby -Doo never shuts his stupid trap, and that can be

just as irritating.

I know.

He's got a big appetite.

I'm also becoming tired of sleeping with selfish, gold -digging women. Women who

think because beauty was gifted to them, that they're entitled to all your

finances. So he's down on one knee with this itty -bitty little ring, like three

carats or something.

Meanwhile, I'm wearing a dress that costs more than the car he drove over

So I just looked at him and said, Senator?

I don't get out of bed for a ring twice that size.

I mean, bankrupt a small country, and then maybe we'll talk.

Can you believe the nerve?

No, I can't.

Some people just don't know how silly they look.

I like you.

Oh, how humbling. Thank you.

Check. And of course, there are always the crazy women.

And I'm really getting tired of sleeping with them.

But I just love the little guy, and I couldn't leave him out in the cold all

night. So I opened up my car door, and he...

Padded right on over and jumped right in without hesitation.

It was like he was just waiting just for me or something.

Then he immediately shook his fur dry all over my brand new leather interior.

But it's okay. He was really a sweet little dog.

You know what?

This is the first date I've been on and I can't remember how long, but I'm

really looking forward to a second date.

Me too, Martin.

Oh, no.

I told them no egg in my sod, and they brought me egg.

I'm allergic to egg.

Oh, it's okay. I'll get the waitress.

No, it's okay. I'll handle it.

Are you trying to kill me? I'll burn this whole stinking restaurant down to

whole freaking ground!

Like I said, I'm very tired of sleeping with these unsuitable women.

But the problem is this.

I'm not getting particularly... tired of sleeping with women in general.

In fact, I quite like it.

And it will often lead me astray from what would otherwise be considered my

sophisticated and cultured mind.

But this is the last time.

Someday we all grow up.

And life demands a little more of us. And compels us to demand a little more

ourselves. Just head here, okay? Alright, thanks.

I called you over an hour ago. What took you so long?

I know, I know, but I thought you lived in number seven.

I do.

I know, but the number seven and number one look so much alike in your apartment

complex.

I went over to your neighbor's house, and I was all, let me in, because Martin

lives here, and he was all, I'm not Martin.

Martin doesn't live here. And I was all...

Well, I know this is where Martin lives and you might be him in disguise, so I'm

coming in anyways.

Anyways, long story short, after 45 minutes, I decided he wasn't you and

am.

Isn't that hilarious?

There are moments in life when you realize instantly that you made a very

serious mistake.

Isn't that hilarious?

Melanie, you alright?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Martin and I had a chat and...

Now we're done and now I'm going home.

So, does that mean you're free tonight?

Hi.

Hey.

So, do you want to go grab a bite to eat with me tonight?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah? But, what about Martin?

Right in here.

Yeah, that's totally cool. I could definitely get a bite to eat.

Okay.

I have to change real quick.

Do you want to come in and wait for a little bit? Sure.

And go right to it.

Okay. All right.

I've always loved Scooby.

Newbie can shove it out his ass.

Yes! Oh, my God. Nobody ever gets that.

You're right.

You know, Melanie, I really, really am enjoying myself right now.

Me too.

Surprisingly so, right?

Yeah.

Truthfully, I've never really met anyone that's so, how do you say that,

free as you are, you know, like, in the moment.

Well... I feel like all we have is moments.

You're the kind of person who's always looking forward, and you never notice

what's right in front of you.

You're right. I love how simple you are.

I know I'm not the smartest girl in the world. I mean, stupid even.

No, I didn't even mean it like that at all. No, I know.

I know you didn't mean it like that. You just mean that I see life simply.

I complicate things, right?

You're right.

You know, I...

I'd love to invite you back up to my place, but I just feel like we shouldn't

have.

I'd love to see your place.

Let's go.

You've seen it.

You were in there for like 30 minutes.

Oh, yeah.

No, it's really fun. It's really fun.

All I'm trying to say is that I feel like we should take this slow.

No.

Why do you even bother knocking if you're just gonna waltz in here like a

on our lunch break, man?

Come on, first of all, you couldn't handle a dance from me, okay?

And second of all, you gotta stop asking because, you know, we're all getting a

little suspicious, you know what I mean?

Forget that, alright? I was just upstairs, I talked to the boys and, uh,

bringing in another lawyer to help you on the Fitzgerald case.

Word on the street is, they're vetted for partner.

Partner?

That's my position!

I'm next in line for partner. How can they even consider someone else for

partner?

What's this prick's name, anyway?

That's the best part.

Alexandra.

Alexandra. Gorgeous.

Cute.

Cute boy's name.

What are you doing over there, buddy?

What am I doing?

What am I doing? I'll tell you what I'm doing.

I'm trying to open up this window, okay? Because I'm going to open it, and I'm

going to hurl my worthless carcass out into the street.

At least then the street keepers, you know, they'll have their job. Because

knows in a week, I won't have mine.

Oh, it's okay, man.

You don't have to cry about it. You know, it's not that big of a deal.

Cry about it? Are you kidding me? How can it be any worse?

I'll just say, well.

For starters, you know, if we could waltz right in here and, I don't know,

your nose in it?

Hello.

Hey, what up, girl?

Alexandra. Not girl.

Well, this is going to be easier than I thought.

Good day, gentlemen.

Oh, my God.

Am I crazy or is she smoking hot, right?

Where are you going?

I'm going to go get really, really drunk.

I guess it's 5 p .m. somewhere, right?

Yo, wait up.

Thank you, sir.

Why now, you know?

Just on the verge of greatness with this company.

They sell a huge case, make these swarmy bastards a ton of cash.

You know, I was really ready to go somewhere, start to get some

Then they dropped this Alexandra broad on me.

I'll bet you her last gig was modeling Victoria's Secret underwear.

Admit it, though.

You own a banner, don't you?

I mean, hey man, I'm not gonna judge.

She was pretty hot to look at. You know, see, this is the type of bullshit

locker room banter I'm trying to get away from.

I'm trying to make partner, add some responsibility to my life, settle down

a woman, a woman, you know, someone I can take to holiday parties.

I'm over the whole moron, psycho, gold -digging, one -night -stand thing. I'm

over it.

Come on, man.

You're never gonna settle down. It's not your style.

No, it could be.

Oh, Martin.

You get more ass than anybody I know.

You get bored with just one girl.

Trust me, these broads can be... nut jobs.

You know, one night you're sleeping with them, and the next... No, you don't

know. Listen.

One night you're sleeping with them, the next morning they're like, oh, hey, let

me fry you some eggs. Sounds great, right? Until she assaults you with the

frying pan.

No, no, man. Screw that.

Honestly, I don't give a shit, you know? I like the crazy.

The more psycho they are, the better it is for me.

No, I tell you, there is no girl too crazy for me.

Remember you said that.

Marielle!

Martin? What the hell are you doing here?

Your boss called and asked me to bring over what was left of the phone records

for the Fitzgerald case.

Apparently I've been demoted to delivery girl.

So how are you?

Why the hell would you care?

I should kick your teeth in.

I mean, I wake up and you're just nowhere to be found.

You don't even call? Listen, that's fantastic.

I want to introduce my friend here, Simon.

Now, Simon here is cousin to the Duke of York in England.

Now, he's just a few deaths away from the throne himself.

I'm kidding. But seriously, yes.

Well, it's always an honor to be in the presence of Verity, even if it's not the

first time.

Yeah, that's great. Now, listen. Now, Simon's wanting to grab a drink, get a

bite to eat.

I gotta get back to the office, but then I see you pull up, and I'm thinking,

voila, it's perfect, right? You can show him a good time.

Oh, I'm sure I could show him a good time.

What do you say, Simon?

Would you like to grab a drink with me?

Well, roito, then.

Sounds like a rather enchanting evening.

I just love your accent. What part of England are you from?

All over.

Man of the people, I am.

That's great. You two, you have fun now.

Enjoy that.

Shall we?

They'll settle.

Because they know who I am.

And they know I'm absolutely the best there is.

Everyone knows it.

Or they very quickly learn it.

Yes.

Yes, well, you're gonna actually have to excuse me at a P .S. class. It's

suddenly in session.

Yes, I'll call you right back.

So, was there anything else you had planned, or was barging into my office

you got?

Oh, no, I had a lot planned. No, I have a lot planned, yeah. No, you're new

around here. You don't know everything.

I think you do. You don't.

It's like this.

So is this a game of charades, or should we get right down to it?

Look, I understand.

You're upset.

You were next in line, and now you're not.

But boohooing all over the place isn't going to make you better at your job,

it certainly isn't going to make you a more attractive partner than I am.

Life is full of disappointing surprises.

But the best thing you can do is just turn around, walk out that door, and

it behind you.

Have a great day.

Listen, I was thinking after work, you're obviously working hard.

Maybe you'd like to, you know, get a drink.

I think I have every intention of getting a drink after work.

Taking a survey, are we?

I meant with me.

Oh, I'm sure the girls simply melt at your very boyish charms, but I'm sorry.

I can't fraternize with people I intend to destroy.

But it was great chatting with you.

Have a great day.

It was a pleasure meeting you.

You're too fun.

So tell me, what do you miss most about England?

Well, it would probably have to be the weather.

The beautiful weather there. It's actually really quite remarkable.

The weather.

Isn't England dark and gloomy and raining all the time?

But of course.

You see, I really go for that sort of thing.

We all do.

The British really do love it.

Dark and, um, gloomy.

You must be dying for a good cup of tea.

I hear Americans can't make a proper cup.

Ooh, simply dreadfully pining over a solid cup.

What's your favorite kind?

Of tea?

Couldn't say.

You know, it must be due to my royal upbringing.

We're all mere slaves to tradition, unfortunately.

Well, I can make a mean cup of royal tea back at my place if you'd like to give

that a try.

Royal tea?

For the royalty?

Here we go.

Let's give it a go.

I don't know if you remember me, but I was your waitress the day that you were

on the date with that psycho bitch that threw the salad at me.

Anyways, um, I wanted to know, can I buy you a drink?

You know, last month, last month you had caught me with this.

Charming, you know, win you over, some bullshit, blah, blah, blah, game.

I mean, what's the point, right? I mean, do you get happiness from it? I don't

get happiness from it.

You know, tired of sleeping around, one night stands,

I was ready to, you know, sit down, make partner at my law firm.

It's not going to happen at all now.

Find somebody that looks crazy.

I'm not going to settle down with, you know.

Did I interrupt your little pity party?

You know, as a matter of fact, you did.

And you're not invited.

Really?

You know, I do know how you feel.

I find that very hard to believe.

Watch this straight up, please.

Well, I do.

You learn very quickly the hard way in this business.

As a woman, if you want to be taken seriously, you have to be emotionless,

ruthless.

A fucking shark.

People don't take you seriously unless you walk in and start splitting their

throats.

As you well know.

Are you trying to make me feel bad for you? Is that what that is? Because

hilarious. That's rich.

I would rather have sex with Donald Trump in his hair than do something as

pathetic as that.

I was a little nervous in here.

You were?

Yeah.

All the up -and -coming lawyers know the story of the great, knowledgeable

Martin Hicks.

You're a bit of a legend in some circles.

Are you messing with me? Is that what this is?

Martin, I'm a lot of things.

But, I never lie.

You know, Simon, I'm rather surprised to find out you can't make your own tea.

Well, you know, I never really had to make my own tea.

Coming from royalty, we learned at a very young age not to lift a finger.

So your cousin is the Duke of where again?

My cousin, yeah.

The Duke of Fish and Chips.

Fish and chips.

Oh, yes. It's a very, very small city.

Okay. Name for me one city in England that is not London.

Fish and chip.

Aside from fish and chip.

You know, geography never really was my forte.

All right. Well, just sit up and drink your tea.

You don't even drink tea, do you, Yankee?

What gave it away?

You're not a very good actor.

That terrible accent.

You know nothing about England, and there is no such thing as royalty.

So, I mean, if you knew all along, why, you know, why didn't you just bust me

immediately?

No, I mean, why'd you let me continue the charade?

Why'd you go out to dinner?

Why'd you bring me back here?

Wait.

You're not going to kill me, are you?

No.

At first I was pissed.

Like, kick you in the balls, spit in your face pissed.

Then I had to ask myself why I didn't just out you immediately for lying.

For so long I've used men to get what I wanted and...

Didn't realize how little joy I really got out of it.

I'm not happy.

And despite your lying and bullshit, I actually had a pretty great time with

tonight.

And I guess I just didn't want the night to end so quickly, so I kept the

charade going.

Wait, is your name even Simon?

Oh, yeah.

No, no, no, that's truthful. My name is Simon.

Oh, good. One truth.

Well, all right, let me lay another one on you.

So, tonight was by far the most fun I've had in a long time. You know, and

that's honest.

Midway through the dinner, I just wanted to tell you everything. You know, I

wanted to drop the charade and just tell you that I'm full of shit.

But, I don't know, I guess I was afraid. You know, afraid that you wouldn't like

me for who I really am.

And the real Simon.

And even if, you know, we only had one night together.

I never saw you again. I just wanted to spend as much time with you as possible.

Okay.

I think you've redeemed yourself.

Wait. What exactly is it that you do?

I'm a lawyer.

Oh.

Okay, that's not so bad.

You know, maybe five, seven years I could make a partner.

That'd make pretty good money.

How about I just don't worry about money for a while?

Pull yourself together, man. The boss wants to see you right now.

Should I... No, no, no. You should just go.

Oh, by the way, though.

Marielle, great hookup, man. She's a wonderful girl.

Yeah, whatever.

You look like hell.

I'm all right. I've been working on that Fitzgerald case all night.

I trust you've met the new associate.

I have, sir. She seems very capable.

She is.

And I'm sure you understand.

She's threatening your position as a partner here.

Yes, sir. I am aware. I'm aware there's only one position, but let me just

say... I like you.

I really do.

But there is only room for one person as a partner.

I know.

No worries.

I haven't been making up my mind yet.

But I want you to know that we appreciate everything you've done for

Listen, sir.

I don't mean to be rude, but if you're not gonna fire me, this is not what this

is about, then why'd you call me in? I mean, you're not exactly known for, you

know, your warm, fuzzy side.

Martin, have you ever met a woman that changes your life?

A woman can change absolutely everything.

My name is...

If I have to throw you out on your ass, I want you to know that there are no

hard feelings.

Just kidding.

But seriously, you should keep your options open.

You are a good guy.

Hey, Loverface.

Speaking of the devil, I was just singing your praises to one of our fine

associates.

Daphne, I want to introduce you to one of my finest associates.

I think you should take this tie off.

Better yet, take everything off and leave the tie on.

I would love to, but I'm working.

I have an important call to take any minute.

Blow it off.

I want to have sex in this office.

Right on this desk.

I'm sorry, babe, but I have to take this call.

Whatever. But I love you.

You want to make sex on this desk?

Oh, my God, yes.

Come back after hours.

I'm going to this and even more to you.

Oh, my God, you're so hot.

I'm going to break you.

Thompson here.

You headed out of here soon?

People in line to be partnered don't leave the office at 5 p .m., Martin.

But, since it's not likely going to be you, have a great night.

You know, you're pretty confident you're going to make partner.

Why exactly is that?

Because I'm every bit as talented, every bit as qualified, every bit as

intelligent, and I want this more than you do.

Why don't we go grab a drink later?

I'd really prefer if we keep things strictly professional, Martin.

But thank you.

Damn it!

No, you listen. No, you listen to me.

You listen to me, okay? I am going to be the partner. Yeah, you got that?

Good job, Alex.

There's no way they won't make you partner after this.

Hello?

Hello?

You know what, Alex?

You're not going to take my job.

You know what, Alex? I was going to...

She's brilliant.

I'm totally screwed.

I was waiting all day.

I bet you were.

I love you.

You crazy woman.

Let's just see how much, shall we?

Yes.

Yes, take it off. Take a good look.

Oh, my God.

You look amazing.

Come here.

I've been waiting for this all day.

Oh, my gosh.

Focus on work.

You better have been thinking about me all day.

Show me

that cock.

I've been thinking about it all day.

Give me a hug. I know. Give me a hug.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Oh.

That's a crazy one.

Oh, my God. Oh,

my God.

Oh.

It's gonna be really ugly.

I love you, baby.

I love you, too.

Sir?

How dare you spy in my office?

I wasn't spying.

Don't give me that.

There's nobody else here.

I know it was you.

I can assure you I would never. You are a little pervert.

Spying on me, not just walking away.

How much did you see?

You know what?

Doesn't matter.

You're fired.

Fired? No, no, no. Please, Mr. Thompson. I swear, just let me explain.

Is everything okay?

No.

Nothing is okay.

Not at all.

Your little competitor has a small privacy problem.

She was peeping on Daphne and me having sex?

No.

It wasn't like that at all. It's not what you think.

Save it.

Martin, congratulations.

You're going to make an excellent partner.

And just like that, everything that was taken away from you is simply handed

right back.

Without effort, life makes perfect sense again.

Like none of this ever happened.

All you have to do is reach out and take it.

It was me, sir.

What did I say?

You.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry. Okay, I came up here, I saw the door was cracked, I saw

what you guys were doing, and curiosity got the best of me, okay?

Stop it! Stop saying this right now.

You didn't know her?

Yeah, we dated briefly.

No, you don't. Why are these words coming out of your mouth?

No, no, we never dated.

Never seen her before. Except when she threw a plate at a waitress. Just that

one time.

Yeah, the point is this. She went up to your office. It was late, you know. I

didn't know what she was doing up there. And I didn't know, I figured you

wouldn't be here. It's late.

And then that's when, that's when Alice came in. She caught me spying on you

guys. You jackass.

What?

You're fired.

Alex, congratulations.

You are rehired.

Martin.

Pack your stuff from your office and get out of my sight.

And you, I hope you are going to be very discreet about this.

Yes, sir. Yes.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Just go home and celebrate.

It's very rare that a young attorney like you can make a pardon in a long

Yes. Yes. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Are you lost?

No.

Hi.

Hey.

Hey.

You know, you didn't have to take that bullet from me. I was fully prepared on

finding another firm.

Why did you do it?

Who knows why people do things, right? Who knows?

Tell me.

The work.

Your work.

Okay, the other night, you were gone, so I went into your office and I looked at

your computer and I saw the closing argument that the serial case you were

working on.

You're better than me.

This time.

This time.

And so you deserve the promotion.

End of story.

Whether I deserved it or not, it's not like the legendary Martin Hitch to give

up a huge opportunity without a fight.

Listen, maybe the legendary old Martin Hitch is softening his old age,

you know?

I know.

I'm not even really that ashamed of it.

Does that make me crazy?

No. It's kind of hot, actually.

Someone for everyone, I guess, right?

Did you mean what you said the other night at the bar?

Something about wanting a change from all of your one

-night stands and maybe looking for something a little more substantial?

Yeah, 100%. Why don't we get started on that?

I never liked this tie. No? No, don't wear it again.

I don't like this bra.

Should I wear it again?

Tell me the truth.

What's that?

Have you thought about this as much as I have?

Absolutely.

In between my thoughts of killing you and taking your job.

What?

What's that? It's just a job.

Well, it's my job.

He brought it out.

Well, good luck with your interview, babe.

I don't need luck, okay?

I got you.

Well, you'll be gaining one hell of an attorney.

Yeah, well, if I get the job, okay?

And even if I get the job, it's still gonna take me years before I make

I'm sorry.

No, hey, don't be sorry.

I'd give up my job a million times over if I got you.

Would you?

Absolutely.

It's your job, okay?

Mm -hmm.

Unless I'm the best lawyer in town, I can get a job anywhere.

Love's funny, you know?

You never know where you're going to find it or where it's going to find you.

There's some girl who's clearly crazy and you just find out the first date.

There's some girl who's not crazy. She seems crazy to everyone else, but you

her. You understand her.

Or...

We have some girl who takes your job.

Oh, you mean some woman who takes your job?

Yeah, some woman.

I gotta go.

Mm -hmm.

Do you? Yeah. I'm gonna go.

It'll be costing not one, but two jobs, right? Maybe.

Good luck.