Original subtitles

(country music)

♪ Green acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just gimme that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darlin' I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(upbeat music)

- Well Clyde, what's your pleasure?

- Mm?

- How 'bout a game of gin rummy

with five dollars a point.

- No thanks.

- Start poker with the Jacks, the Kings

and the Queens and Deuces,

and the three of hearts, right?

- I don't think so.

- How 'bout strip poker?

You know.

When you lose, you have to take off some of your clothes?

- Look, if I wanna get undressed,

I don't have to play cards to do it.

- Well, I just wanted to make it sporty.

- Lisa, I'd like to read.

- All right darling.

You read, and I tell your fortune.

- Fine.

- Well.

I see nothing but unhappiness for you.

You've got an executive producer in your future.

- What?

- Of course, things don't look too good for him either.

Because he has two written bys following him.

- Written by, what are you...

- It's getting worse.

Now there is a directed by in the picture.

- Would you mind telling me what... - Ah!

Now we're getting somewhere.

Four of spades.

That means that either a tall stranger is going to

come and visit you,

or you're going to lose all your teeth.

No no no.

That's seven of clubs.

- Lisa, I wanna read.

I'm not interested in that nonsense.

- Nonsense?

It's a lucky thing you're not a Hungarian,

or you'd be in big trouble with the gypsies.

- Well, that's...

- Do you know what they do to you for

making fun of fortune telling?

They turn you into a chicken.

- A chick... - Or a duck, or a goose.

When they get mad,

there's no telling what they do to you.

They turned a girlfriend of mine into a rabbit.

She's working in the Playboy Club in Budapest.

- Good night Lisa.

- Good night.

(upbeat music)

- Douglas!

Mr. Douglas.

Where's Mr. Douglas?

- He's in the barn.

- Thank you!

(upbeat music)

- Of all the silly...

Lisa, that kid is...

- Oh, Mr. Douglas.

I looked for ya out in the barn,

but you weren't there.

- Of course not.

- Eb got a letter.

- Oh great.

May I have some coffee?

- Don't you wanna know who the letter's from?

- Okay, who's it from?

- Can I have some coffee, too?

- Yes, get a cup and saucer.

- Okay, now then.

Where were we?

- I haven't the faintest idea.

- Oh, I remember.

I told ya I got a letter,

and you were beggin' me to tell you who it was from.

- No, I wasn't...

All right.

Who's it from?

- You will never believe it.

It's from Tadpole Talbot.

- You're right.

I don't believe it.

- Tadpole and I grew up together in Stakewell Falls.

- What do you take in your coffee?

- Cream and sugar.

- We lived right next door to each other.

His mother used to borrow stuff from my mother,

and my mother used to borrow stuff from his.

That's how we got my sister.

- It's gonna be one of those days.

What is that?

- Cream and sugar.

- Where's the coffee?

- Well, I haven't made it yet.

- Well then why did you put the

cream and the sugar in the cup?

- I didn't want to forget it.

- Uh huh.

- Guess what Tadpole says here in his letter?

He's comin' to visit me!

- The four of spades.

You see, Oliver?

The cards are always right.

They said that a tall stranger is coming to visit you,

and he's coming.

- He's not coming to visit me,

he's coming to visit him.

- Well I'm your son,

so that's close enough.

- You are not my son.

- Well, whatever I am,

is it okay if he shares my room with me?

- Would you like to have some more coffee?

- You haven't made any yet.

- Well, when I do, Would you like to have some more?

- Please.

- Imagine.

After all these years, I'm gonna see Tadpole Talbot.

(upbeat music)

(slow music)

- What the... What is that?

- It's Tadpole's travelin' house.

He's here!

- And you said there was no such thing as a four of spades.

- Oh, will you stop talking about...

- Boy, you oughta see the inside of this thing.

Tadpole's got everything in it.

A kitchen, a livin' room,

a dining room, bedroom.

(water dripping)

And a shower.

- You mean, he's taking a...

- No, he's washin' his clothes.

(water pouring)

I think he's on spin dry.

- Of all the... - What are all those wires?

- Oh, I plugged him into our life support system.

The one on top is the telephone.

This is electricity.

And this one goes to his stock ticker.

- Stock ticker?

- Yeah.

He has a direct line to the floor of the stock exchange.

Or is the floor of the stock yard?

Well, whatever it is,

he sure has hit it big.

- What does he do?

- Didn't you see his sign?

Oh, I forgot to unfurl it.

(silly music)

- [Oliver] "The Original Tadpole Talbot".

- Oh, that's what he does.

- You mean, he makes a living out of being

the Original Tadpole Talbot?

- He sure does.

- Howdy!

- Oh Original, I want you to meet my mom and dad.

- We're not your mom and...

- It sure is good to see my little old pal Eb again.

You know, me and him used to live next door to each other.

- Yeah, I was tellin' 'em how my ma used

to borrow stuff from your ma.

- That's right.

Oh by the way, did she ever return my sister?

- I'm sure she did.

If your ma ever returned the sugar she borrowed.

- You know I owe a lot to Eb.

If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be what I am today.

- What are you?

- He's the Original Tadpole Talbot.

- I gathered as much.

- As much what?

- Oh Original, your ticker's running.

- Oh, I'll answer it later.

Yep, if old Eb here hadn't said no

when I asked him to lend me 35 dollars

to go to fingerprintin' school,

I'd never be where I am today.

- Just where are you?

- He's only the biggest recording star

on the Connubial label.

- Recording star?

- Connubial label?

- Yeah, you oughta see the list

of hit songs Original's recorded.

Hey, what were some of 'em?

- Oh I guess my first big one was,

I've Got a Right to Drink the Booze.

- I've Got a...

- That was a protest song against the Temperance League.

- How come you didn't know that?

- I followed that one up with Tiptoe Through the Barnyard.

- Oh, that must've been a smash.

- Not as big as I Grease my Fliver with Chicken Liver.

- They sound fabulous,

but what has he done lately?

- I just recorded a new song,

and it's gonna be a big seller.

It's called the Four of Spades.

- Bingo!

You see Oliver?

The cards are always right.

- Cards, ma'am?

- You were in my husband's fortune.

Right after the directed by.

You see, I... - Whoa whoa, wait a second.

Maybe he wants to ask you about the directed by.

- No ma'am.

- Well anyway, I turned over the four of spades, and I...

- Lisa, Lisa, it's getting late.

Maybe you'd better start dinner, hm?

- All right.

Would you like to stay for dinner?

- Oh, that's mighty neighborly of you ma'am.

I'll see you in a little while.

- I guess he's going in to answer his stock ticker.

(water pouring)

No?

I guess he's going in to take a shower.

(upbeat music)

- You mean, people actually buy records?

Like that, what was that,

I Grease my Fliver with Chicken Liver?

- They sure do.

Well that's pure Americana.

- Sounds like pure...

- Kicked poked records sale like crazy.

You oughta hear him sing.

- Oh, I'd love to.

- Eb, could you set up my electronic guitar for me?

- Yeah, I'd like to, but I gotta clear off the table.

- No no no. I'll do it.

- Oh here, let me help you ma'am.

- No thank you.

I have a system.

(goofy music)

(dishes breaking)

- That's her system.

- Yeah, but what hap...

- Oh, after a while, you get used to it.

- That sure was a fine supper ma'am.

Them hot cakes was scrumptious.

- Those, I never got used to.

- Would you like to have some more cream and sugar?

- No thank you ma'am.

Sure beats drinkin' coffee.

(dishes breaking)

- Did you and Eb really grow up together?

- Yes sir.

Why, we was bosom buddies.

A beggin' your pardon ma'am.

- That's all right.

- You know?

I owe Eb an awful lot.

(dishes breaking)

That's the reason I came back to visit him.

I've just got to show my appreciation to him in some way.

- Why don't you give him a lot of money?

- Lisa.

- I thought about doin' that, ma'am.

But that ain't true Americana.

(dishes breaking)

- Oh I don't think anybody'd mind if

you were a little unpatriotic.

- Well, I've got another idea.

- I brought in all your stuff, Tad.

- Oh, thank you!

- Well, shall we repair to the living room

for the evening's musicale?

(upbeat music)

(guitar music)

- Doggone it!

- Didn't I set it up right?

- Ah, it looks that way.

- Oh, you didn't plug her in!

- Oh, sorry.

(electric guitar playing)

- There we are.

Guess I better tune her up a little bit.

(electric guitar playing)

- I haven't seen anything like that since the

warden threw the switch on George Raft.

- I think she's all right now.

- What are you gonna play?

- I'd like to hear The Four of Spades.

- Pleasure ma'am.

(light bulb crashes)

♪ I set my weekly poker game starin' at my hand

♪ I said to myself if I get an ace

♪ Now wouldn't that be grand

♪ But instead I ♪ I got the four of spades

♪ I got the four of spades

(light bulb crashes)

♪ I got the four of spades

♪ The four of spades is what I got

(light bulb breaks)

- You're blowing the...

♪ I picked up four lovely hearts

♪ I almost had a flush ♪ I said to myself

♪ Now one more heart

♪ Wouldn't that be lush ♪ But instead I

(light bulb breaks)

- It's getting dark in here.

- Naturally, he's blowin' all the...

♪ I got the four of spades

(light bulbs breaking)

- Hey, will ya s...

♪ I got the four of spades (clock blows up)

♪ I got the four of spades

♪ The four of spades is what I got

(lights blow out)

(goofy music)

(upbeat music)

- Doesn't that Tad boy sing beautifully?

- Oh, he's a real fuse blower.

- Anyway, I... (knock at the door)

- [Eb] Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas, can I come in?

- Yes, come in!

(silly music)

Eb, will you watch it?

- Guess what?

Tadpole offered me a job.

- Well, isn't that wonderful?

- I'm gonna travel around with him

all over the country,

and help him plug his songs.

He's gonna teach me show business from the inside.

- And you said he would never amount to anything.

- We're leavin' in the morning,

so I just came in to get my severance pay.

- You're not entitled to severance pay.

- Well, you just took all the heart out of this moment.

- Well, I'm very...

- I hate to leave you this way.

I don't know what's gonna happen to the farm

with me not around to keep you from makin' stupid mistakes.

- I'll manage.

- Then I guess this is goodbye.

- Oh, goodbye Eb (kisses hand).

- Goodbye Dad.

- I'm not your dad.

Goodbye.

And good luck.

- Would you like to give me your blessing?

- It's not necessary.

- Then hail and farewell.

Or as somebody once said,

I'm makin' a small step for man,

and a big leap for mankind.

(goofy music)

- Oh brother.

- I hope he knows what he's doing.

- Why should he start now?

- I wonder what the future holds for him.

- I haven't the faintest idea.

- Well, if you get me a deck of cards,

I'll tell you.

- Good night.

(rooster crowing)

Where's the milk pail?

- What does it look like?

- It's a pail.

- Well, if you remember where you put your things.

- No I didn't put it away, Eb did.

- Oh, I miss him.

The old place just doesn't seem the same

without the platter of his little feet.

- The platter of hi...

- Yes, he used to always sing and whistle.

Of course, not at the same time.

- No no.

- Oh, I wish Eb would come back.

- He's only been gone an hour.

- Well I am worried about him.

I was looking through the cards this morning, and...

- Maybe Eb left it in the barn, huh?

(upbeat music)

What the?

- Morning, Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, Mr. Haney...

- Can I interest you in a ride in a ricochet?

- A ricoch... You mean, a...

- Just climb right in.

- Wait, I don't want... - Chop chop, Chang.

- Stop this thing!

I don't want to... (Chinese music)

- That sure ain't the fastest form of transportation.

- Mr. Haney, how did you get...

- Now, if you'll just give the driver a tip,

I'll take care of whatever's on the meter.

- I'm not giving him... - Chop chop, Chang.

- Where did you get a thing...

- He's just one of the many types of workers,

as furnished by the Haney Employment Service.

(Chinese music)

Chang read this ad of mine,

as it appeared in an issue of the Grand Coolie Gazette.

- The Grand Coolie?

Have you no shame?

- Not much.

Chang came to me knowin' that I would be able to

find him suitable employment.

Our motto, as you can read on the bottom line,

is We Fit the Man to the Job.

Or we vice versa him.

- Well, that's the s...

- Now, knowing that Eb has left you to become

a big recording star.

- He's not gonna be a recording star.

- Well, be that as whomsoever,

it's obvious that you need somebody to replace him.

- I don't wanna replace him.

- You will, when you find out what the

Haney Employment Service can offer you.

Now in order to fulfill our slogan,

of fittin' the man to the job,

I use the services of the Haney computatator.

- I believe the word is computer.

- That is correct.

But my machine is a combination of an old computer,

and a new potato peeler.

Hence, computatator.

- There must be somebody I can complain to about you.

- As you know, all computatators work on the principle

of the punch card.

I have here a card.

- Look, I've got to get...

- Now, if you would just answer a few simple questions,

I'm sure we can come up with just the right person for you.

- I told you, I don't want...

- Since this job calls for a man,

we'll punch this little box under male.

Now, just what do we want this male man to do?

- I don't want... - Chop wood,

(punches card)

milk the cows, (punches card)

feed the chickens, (punches card)

fix the tractor, (punches card)

and other assorted duties.

(punches card)

- Mr. Haney, you're just wasting your...

- Now, about the salary.

Shall we say 300 dollars a week?

- Three hundred...

- And just how many hours a day would he have to work

for this pityance?

Eight?

(punching card)

Now there's just one more question

that I'm obliged to ask you,

by the labor department of this sovereign state.

Do you keep your liquor locked up?

- That's none of your...

- Let me give you a no on that.

It'll make it easier to find somebody.

There you are.

I believe this will give you a good picture

of the man for this job.

(audience laughing)

- I'm afraid not.

He looks a little punchy to me.

(audience laughing)

- It's no wonder Eb took that big leap for mankind.

(upbeat music)

(country music)

- Oh yeah.

A postcard did come in from Eb this mornin'.

- Oh good, we haven't heard from him ever since he left,

over a week ago.

- Oh here it is.

Ain't that a pretty picture

of the Muckolucky County Courthouse?

- Well, I can't tell from here.

- Oh sorry.

Will you look at that?

Kid's really squanderin' his money.

Used a five cent stamp to mail a penny postcard.

- That's what it costs now.

- It does?

When did they raise the rates?

- A few months ago.

- Doggone it.

That must be what was in that letter I lost

from the Postmaster General.

- May I please have that?

Well let's see.

Dear folks, yesterday I...

I can't read his writing.

- Who's writing can't you read?

- No, I can't read Eb's writing.

- Is that all he says?

- No, I mean... - Maybe I can read it.

Yesterday I spend the whole day in the country fair

with Tadpole, plugging his songs.

I love show business, and I write to you soon.

(country music)

- [Eb] We've been travelin' day and night,

through all different kinds of country.

Next week, we'll be in the Middle West.

- Last week, me and Tadpole traveled all

through the Middle West.

- You mean like, Visconsin?

- Where is Visonsin?

- In the Middle Vest.

- He doesn't say.

All he says is,

that he's having a wonderful time,

and Tadpole says he's the bets plugger he's ever had.

- Good.

- Oh Oliver.

Any mail from Eb?

- Oh yes, another card.

- Oh!

He's in Abalone, Kansas.

- Abilene.

- Where is that?

- It's in the Middle Vest, right near the second button.

- Oh well, wherever he is,

he's still plugging away for Tadpole.

(country music)

- [Eb] We left Abalone last Tuesday,

and I've been workin' real hard here in Reno.

Next stop, San Francisco.

After that...

- We are going on to Hollywood.

I write you a long letter from there.

Love, Eb.

- Yeah, that's where it's from.

Hollywood, California.

- Oh!

Imagine our son in Hollywood.

- He's not our son.

- What does it say?

- Send 300 dollars.

(audience laughs)

- Well, that's not a very long letter,

but it's the thought that counts.

- The thought? Any boob can think of asking for $300.

- You wanna send him a money order?

- I'm not sending him anything.

- Well, if you don't, I will.

The poor boy.

His macaroon died there.

- Yeah, his macaroon.

- Do you know what could happen to him in Hollywood,

with all those producers and night clubs,

and girls in bikinis?

- Yeah.

- Then you will send him the money?

- No.

I'll take it out to him myself.

(audience laughing)

(light music)

- Would you like to have another sandwich?

- No ma'am.

They fed me on the plane.

- I couldn't tell from the way you're putting it away.

- I always eat like this

after I've had a traumatic experience.

- You see Oliver?

He only went one day in Hollywood,

and he already had one of those experiences.

- Would you like to hear what happened to me?

- Yes, we would.

- I can't tell ya.

It's too horrible.

- Well then, why did you ask us?

- I thought you might like to know.

- If it's too painful, forget it.

- I might as well tell ya.

You'll go on nagging me this way until I do.

- Oliver, what are you nagging him about?

- I'm not na... - Tadpole misled me.

He told me he was gonna teach me

show business from the inside.

- Well didn't he?

- Yeah.

I was always inside that mobile motel of his.

Shining his shoes, pressin' his pants,

doin' his laundry, cookin' his meals.

- But I thought you were going to plug his songs.

- Oh I did.

Every time he'd sing a song,

I had to plug in his guitar for him.

I plugged him in San Francisco and St Louis,

and Kansas City.

Then we got to Hollywood and that's when we had the

big blow up.

- What kind of a blow up?

- He was AC and I plugged him into DC.

I blew out his guitar, his amplifier,

and three of his fillings.

- Served him right for taking advantage of you.

- I suppose you want your old job back?

- Yes sir, but not at my old salary.

- You expect a raise?

- Why not?

He's got a lot more experience.

- I'm sorry, but I am not giving you a raise.

- But Mr. Douglas.

- You already owe me $300.

That's why I want a raise,

so's I can pay you back faster.

- That makes sense.

- Not to me.

You can have your old job back,

at your old salary.

- I'm gonna need another sandwich.

I just had another one of them traumatic experiences.

- Oh, here's some milk.

(light music)

- The three of diamonds,

the four of hearts, the six of clubs,

the Queen of spades.

Oooh!

What have we got here?

- We got a husband who's tryin' to get some sleep.

- Oliver, how can you think of sleep at a time like this?

- It's 12:30.

That's as good a time as any.

- Aren't you interested to know what the cards

say about your future?

- I'm only interested in getting a good night's sleep.

Obviously, I can't get it here.

- You'll be back covered with plaster.

(wood crashes)

(audience laughing)

The cards are always right.

(upbeat music)

(country music)

- [Zsa Zsa] This has been a Filmways presentation darling.