Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Time Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(upbeat music)

- Hi Sam.

(coughing)

- Doggone road.

- Hi Fred.

- Doggone road.

- Hi Mrs. Douglas.

(speaks in foreign language)

(coughing)

Hello there.

- Mr. Kimball, do you have to do that?

- Do what?

- Brush yourself off.

- That's what I'm trying to do.

You know, according to the regulation 42C

in the county ageneses manual,

a county agent must present a neat tidy and tidy

appearance at all times.

Or is that 42C?

No, 42C is the one that forbids a County agent to

engage in politicly activity, unless his fathers a senator.

Or is that 58D?

- I really...

- It's not easy to comply with 42B,

if you have to ride around all day on a dusty County road,

they oughta pave it.

- I agree.

- About what?

- That they should pave the road.

- When are they going to do that?

- Oh, for the love of.

- Well, I won't waist anymore of your time,

just wrap it up and I'll take it with me.

- Take what?

- That soil sample you wanted analyzed.

- I gave you that last month.

- You did, what it look like?

- It looked like soil.

- Yes, now I remember.

I sent it to the department in Washington.

- What happened to it?

- Oh, they refused it.

Well, they didn't refuse it,

they just didn't believe it.

- Mr. Kimball...

- I got a very interesting report back from them,

yup, they found that your soil is composed

of five percent dirt, 95 percent dust, and two rocks.

Which they weren't interested in.

- Oh, you dirty...

- They wanted me to find out what

kind of cactus you were growing here.

- I'm not raising cactus, I'm raising tomatoes.

- Mr. Douglas, you think you know more

than the department of agriculture?

Do you realize that back there in Washington

we have a tall thin building?

No that's the Washington Monument.

But across the street is, no,

that's a Smithsonian Institute.

- Mr. Kimball, why don't you to them

and find out exactly where it is?

- Say, that's a good idea.

Well, I certainly am glad I dropped by and talked you you.

(upbeat music)

(coughing)

- Lisa, it's stifling in here,

why don't you open the windows.

- Because the dust blows in from the road.

- What happened to our electric fan?

- You mean the one that went like this?

- Yeah that's the one.

- It doesn't go like this anymore, it's broken.

- Well, what happened to it?

- Well, the blades broke when I used it

to slice the bananas with the shells on.

- The shells, you mean the skins?

- Well, whatever they had on, it broke the blades.

- You're not suppose to slice bananas with

an electric fan.

- What's the sense of having a

kitchen appliance if you don't use it.

- Yeah, that makes good... - Is lunch ready?

- Yes, I cooked some cold cuts.

- How do you cook cold cuts?

- I took some hot cuts and put them in the refrigerator.

- That's logical.

- What's logical about it?

- I'm just trying to be friendly.

- Well, you're not succeeding.

Where are the cold cuts?

- Well, you were late coming in so, I put them in

the stove to heat them up,

so I could fresh cold them for you.

- Don't look at me, I don't know anything about cooking.

- Well, that's a hard one.

They're still cold, I forgot to light the stove.

- They'll be fine this way.

Hey, why don't we eat outside under the tree,

it'll be a lot cooler.

- How does that grab you, oh lord master?

- Fine.

- Good, I wouldn't want to arouse your eyes sire.

- Just take the stuff outside.

- Allow me.

- Why don't you get some bread and we have sandwiches?

- Yes, so, where is it?

- At Drucker's store.

(upbeat music)

(oinking)

- Arnold wants to know if he can have a bottle of soda pop.

- Help yourself.

It's your move.

- Well, let me see.

(oinking)

- Get out of there Arnold, you'll melt all the ice!

(oinking)

- Well, how's he gonna get the soda pop?

- Well, I'll get it for him.

- Good afternoon gentleman.

- [Drucker] Hi Mr. Douglas.

- Howdy.

(oinking)

What's he doing in there?

- Trying to get a soda pop.

(oinking)

He wants to know if you want one.

- Oh, no thanks.

(oinking)

- He says he'll treat.

- No, no thanks, I just want a loaf of bread.

- I'll get it for ya.

- Sit down, it's your move.

- Oh, well.

(oinking)

- Mr. Douglas, Arnold wants you to open it for him.

- I'll open it for him.

- Sit down, it's your move again.

- Well, there's an opener on the counter.

- Hi Sam.

(coughing)

- Doggone it I forgot to tell Mr. Douglas to close the door!

- Sit down, it's your move again.

- Well, I don't want anymore dust blowing in here.

- Arnold will close the door.

Arnold, close the door.

(oinking)

You want him to lock it?

- Now how could he possibly... (oinking)

- He wants his soda pop.

- Huh?

(oinking)

What's the matter, you want a glass?

- No, he wants a straw.

- Oh for the love of.

- There's some on the counter.

(upbeat music)

- There.

(slurping)

- Have you been bothered by much dust over to your place?

- Oh, we certainly have.

You know, I think we ought to get up a petition

to have that road paved.

- We did that.

- Oh yeah, the road department appropriated the money

we're all set to go.

- Oh, I'm glad to hear that.

When did that happen?

- 20 years ago.

- It was 25.

- 25!

- Come to think of it, it's 30.

30, look gentleman, if the money was appropriated

30 years ago, why haven't you done something about it?

- Well, by the time we're real annoyed with the dust

it's winter and we get annoyed by the mud.

- Well, it seems to me if the

whole thing was approved, they should pave the road.

- Approved the money for a dirigible mast too

and they haven't built that.

- What would you need a dirigible mast for?

- We thought one might land here sometime.

- That's ridiculous.

(slurping)

- Stop slurping.

- I don't understand you people,

you let everybody walk all over you.

Well, if the money was appropriated we're

entitled to have the road paved!

Now who can we talk to?

- Well, there's...

- Don't tell him, or he'll talk to him.

- Why shouldn't I?

- Well, we've had their approval and appropriation

for 30 years, we don't want to lose it.

(slurping)

(upbeat music)

- Can you imagine those clot heads.

- When are we going to the County seat?

- I never said we were going to the County seat.

- Well, every time we talk about those clot heads,

that's where we end up, the County seat.

- Yes well.

- Unless you talk about those melon heads,

then we end up at the state capital.

- I never.

- Then there is the rubber head,

where we end up at the white house.

- Lisa.

- When it comes to heads, you've got one for everybody.

- I'm not getting involved in this.

These people aren't interested in

doing something for themselves,

then why should I get involved, huh?

- That's right.

- They never appreciate the times I went to bat for them.

- Or the times you struck out for them either.

- If they like their dusty road,

let them keep their dusty road.

Why should I aggravate myself,

I'm just a, just an outsider to them.

They want me to mind my own business,

I'm going to mind my own business.

Oh, those clot heads!

- Give me 10 minutes to fix my makeup

and we can be on our way to the County seat.

(sneezes)

(upbeat music)

- Did you say that the money to pave this road was

appropriated 30 years ago?

- That's right.

- He also said you were a clot head.

- I beg your pardon?

- Lisa, please, stay out of this.

- Well, I just want to keep the record straight.

- Would you mind telling me why you've waited so

long to bring this to the county's attention?

- I didn't know anything about it, I wasn't

living in Hooterville 30 years ago.

- I wasn't living any place 30 years ago,

you see, I'm just 23.

- Lisa.

- Well, if you straighten out one record,

you have to straighten them out all.

- Them out all.

- Are you a resident of this County?

- Yes, I certainly am.

I pay taxes...

- Yes, yes, a lot of people say they're tax payers

but when we check up on them,

we find they're nothing but delinquents.

- He's too old to be a delinquent.

- Look Mister... - Gordan.

- You're not related to Laszlo Gordon, are you?

- No, I...

- No, you couldn't be, you're too tall.

He was just a tiny little fella.

- Lisa, please.

- Now, about the road.

- I don't think I can help you.

- Why not?

- Well, in the first place you're in the wrong office.

- Isn't this the County road department?

- Oh, no, they moved that last week.

- But the name is on the door!

- They're moving that next week.

- Oh, those melon heads!

- Okay, let's go to the state capital.

(upbeat music)

- Mr. And Mrs. Douglas, come in, come in,

always glad to meet my constituents.

- What's a constituent?

- Somebody who voted for him.

- Well, I didn't vote for him.

(clearing throat)

Well, you didn't vote for him either.

I remember you said you wouldn't vote for

a melon head like him if were... - Lisa.

- Senator, Senator, you look very familiar to me.

Didn't I see you someplace before?

- Well I... - I know!

You were on the late, late, movie the other night.

He was dancing with Shirley Temple.

- No, that was George Murphy.

- Who?

- He's the United States senator now.

- Oh, you must be the fellow that was in Death Valley Days.

- No, that was Ronald Reagan.

- Who?

- Ronald Reagan, he's the Governor of California.

- Well, then, which movie star are you?

- Lyle Tallbot.

- Oh, I guess I never saw you.

- Lisa, please.

Senator, we live in Hooterville and we need your help.

- Well, if you live in Hooterville you do need my help.

- Now what kind of a job are you looking for,

you're domestics, you work as a couple?

- Oh no.

- Wait a second, let's find out how much the job pays.

- We're not looking for a job.

I'm a farmer.

- Oh, you want some free seed.

- No, I...

- Wait a second, you blew the job, now don't blow the seed.

- Lisa, please, will you stay out of this.

Look Senator, we're here to talk to you about our road.

- Oh, did I promise you a road?

- No, we have a road.

- And you want another one?

- No, we just want the one we have paved.

- You see, the dust comes in through the windows.

- I'm sorry but the County has used up

its entire road appropriation.

- The money for this was appropriated 30 years ago,

it's never been used.

- That's very unusual.

Did you talk to the County road department?

- I talked to a man named Gordon.

- Yes, he was in the right office but

it didn't have his door moved.

- He didn't have his...

- The point is, the money is there,

the road needs paving.

Now, what are you going to do about it?

- Well, I'll look into it immediately.

- So, I give all the facts to send it to Talbot

and he promised he'd give us some action.

- Well, I think that's wonderful.

Don't you Fred?

- I'm reserving judgment on this till we see

just how bad this things gonna work out for us.

- Why should it work out badly?

- Because, every time you put in your two cents,

it ends up costing us four.

- Mr. Ziffel.

- No offense intended,

I'm just speaking from bitter experience.

- Fred, instead of insulting Mr. Douglas,

you ought to be thanking him for what he did for us.

- We don't know what he did yet.

- I didn't do anything.

- Then why should I thank you?

- Look, I don't know what you're all so worried about.

All they're going to do is pave the road.

Now, what could possibly go wrong?

- Mr. Douglas, Mr, Douglas!

Mr. Douglas!

- I'm in here.

- Oh, when did you come in?

- I've been here all the time.

- Are you sure?

- Of course I'm...

- Oh, you should see what's going on at the Ziffel's.

- What?

- Oh, did you find Mr. Douglas?

- Yeah, there he is.

- Oh, when did you come in?

- What's going on at the Ziffel's?

- I don't know, I wasn't there.

- I was, holly, golly, you wouldn't believe it.

There's a man over there with a big bulldozer

and he's gonna knock down their house.

- Why?

- He says it's in the way of the new road.

- What new road?

- The one you ordered.

- I didn't order a... - Well somebody did.

You better grab your civil defense helmet

and get over there.

This is war.

- Mister will you put the gun down?

- Not till you get off of my property.

- [Bulldozer Operator] I'm only doing my job.

- Fred can't I get up?

- No.

- He might run me over.

- He aint gonna run over you,

he don't want a take a chance on ruining a good bulldozer.

- What's going on here?

- Oh, Mister Fix It, I'm glad you'd come over,

save me from going over to a place to shoot ya.

- Don't point that at me.

- Oh, nice seeing you Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh, hello there Mrs. Ziffel.

Well, what are you doing down there?

- Fred's using me as a human roadblock.

Fred, can't I get up?

- No.

- What's this all about?

- I got orders from the County road department

to knock this house down.

- Why?

- According to these specifications,

we're suppose to straighten out the curve back there

and run the road right through here.

- No, no, we don't want the road straightened,

we just want it surfaced.

- Mack, all I know is, some crumb head went

up to the state capital and

raised a big stink about this.

- I didn't go, I am not a crumb head.

Now, you look here, you can't just show up

and level a person's home!

The state has to condemn it first and then buy it!

- It was condemned.

- When?

- 30 years ago.

- What?

- I'm wasting my time.

- Hey!

- Fred!

- Don't worry Doris, he just bluffing.

- Suppose he aint.

- That's a chance we'll have to take.

- Lady, you aint accomplishing nothing.

All I got to do is back up and go around.

- [Lisa] I wouldn't do that if I were you.

- Lady, get up.

- Yeah Mrs. Douglas, you could get hurt.

- Well, what about me?

- Lie down Doris.

- Look, I'll go to court and get a restraining order

against those melon heads.

- Well, back to the state capital.

(upbeat music)

- Mr. Douglas.

- Mr. Haney, I can't talk to you now,

we're leaving for the state capital.

- That's why I'm here,

to keep you from making a fool of yourself.

For which there will be no charge.

- Well, that's very nice of you but I...

- Now, shall we get to the part

for which there will be a charge?

- Whatever you're selling, I'm not interested.

- Then would you sign this?

- What is it?

- It's a document releasing me from

responsibility for your jail sentence.

- What jail sentence?

- The one you're going to get for

punching Senator Talbot in the nose.

- I have no intention punching him.

- Nobody goes to the state capital

with the intention of punching their state senator

but it happens all the time.

- Believe me Mr. Haney, I am not going to lay

a finger on him.

- You mean you're just going to sit there

whilst he sneers at you and tells you

that there's nothing he can do

about knocking down Fred Ziffel's home.

- Nobody is going to touch Mr. Ziffel's home.

I got the judge to issue a restraining order.

- Senator Talbot can un-restrain that judge.

Unless you will still avail yourself of the services

of the big Joe Haney.

- Big Joe Haney?

(shushes)

- That aint a name to body about.

- Body...

- Now for a slight fee, I will call cousin Big Joe

and have him greeze the Senator for you.

- Mr. Haney, I think I'm perfectly capable of

greasing the Senator myself.

- Well, I don't think you've got the stomach for it.

- But your cousin Big Joe does, huh?

- Yep, he weighs 400 pounds.

That's why they call him Big Joe.

(laughing)

- Well, thank you very much for the offer

but I don't anticipate any trouble.

- Well, in case you find the tide running against you,

just drop by cousin Big Joe's hotdog stand,

at the corner of Main and Elm and ask for a mustard

with a hotdog on it.

- Mustard with a...

- That's a password, Big Joe will know that I sent you

and he'll put a bug in the Governor's ear.

- The Governor?

- Yeah, drops by Joe's stand everyday for a hotdog

and that's when cousin Big Joe does his lobbying.

- Thank you very much but...

- Now, I'll handle the financial

arrangements from this end.

So, don't pay Big Joe for nothing

but the hotdog.

- Oliver, Oliver, I'm ready.

- Mrs. Douglas, may I be the first the wish

you and your husband a bon of a voyage to the state capital.

- Oh, thank you.

- And don't forget cousin Big Joe.

- Who is that?

- Oh, that's some shady relative of Mr. Haney's

and we're suppose to mention to the senator,

in case we get into trouble.

- Mr. Douglas, I'm sorry but there's nothing I can do.

- But Senator.

- May I remind you that you're the one who came

in here and brought the whole matter to my attention.

Is that correct?

- That's correct.

- Lisa, the Senator was talking to me.

- Oh, well, was what he said correct?

- Yes.

- You were correct about your correct.

- I've gone to a great deal of trouble to find

the records and to activate the project.

It will be done just as it was planned 30 years ago.

The road will be paved and straightened.

- But if you do that you'll

have to tear down Mr. Ziffel's house.

- According to this, Mr. Ziffel doesn't own the house,

the state purchased it 30 years ago for 150 dollars.

- 150, it's worth 100 times that today.

- Well, I'm sorry but he sold it

and we've been letting him live there for the

past 30 years without charging him rent.

- Well, that's darn nice of you.

- I think it's nice of them too.

- I didn't mean it was nice of them.

- Well, that's what you said.

- I was just being sarcastic.

- Well, next time put out a sign or something.

- Lisa, will you please stay out of this.

Senator, I'm sure Mr. Ziffel would be glad to give you

back the 150 dollars you paid him for the house.

- Mr. Douglas, what kind of a stupid

state do you think this is?

To sell a house worth 15,000 dollars for 150.

- That wouldn't be very smart.

- If you don't keep quiet I'm going make you sit out in

the outer office and read some of

the Senator's dull speeches.

- Dull?

Now see here.

- May I say something?

- What?

- Big Joe Haney.

- Big Joe Haney, you know him?

- Yes, he's the cousin of a friend of ours.

- Why didn't you say so when you came in?

I'm sure everything can be arranged to your satisfaction.

The road will be resurfaced and Mr. Ziffel

will get his house back for exactly

what the state paid him for it.

- Well, thank you, thank you very much.

- And as soon as we've finished work on the road,

I'll see to it that construction starts

on your dirigible mast.

- I can't, I just can't believe it.

- Believe what?

- Well, that Mr. Haney finally told us

something that was halfway true.

- That is like my father used to say, you show me a man

who's all bad and I'll show you my brother in-law.

- I just can't get over the way the Senator changed

when you mentioned Big Joe Haney.

I wounder what he's got on him.

- Hotdogs.

- What?

- You see, I think the way Big Joe works,

he got the Senator hooked on hotdogs

and if he doesn't do what he wants him to do,

he cuts off his supply.

- He cuts off...

- There is nothing worse than having a

hotdog monkey on your back.

- Mr. Douglas, guess what!

The town's taking up a collection for you

for getting the road paved.

- They are?

- Yeah, they're going to all the farms in the valley

collecting chicken feathers.

And Mr. Ziffel's donating the tar.

- Tar and feathers?

- Isn't that nice.

- What?

- It's the only thing they could think of

since Mr. Eddman left town, he was the only one

who knew how to make a hangman's knot.

- What are you talking about, why,

why should they be angry with me?

- Oh, I guess you didn't hear about the assessment

to pay for paving the road.

- They've already appropriated the money.

- Yeah 7,000 dollars, but that was 30 years ago.

Today it's going to cost 22 million dollars.

- What?

- Mr. Ziffel's share is eight million,

Mr. Drucker's seven million 500 and

yours is 10 million 200.

- 10, well, they're not going to get away with this.

I'll have a talk with those bobble heads.

- Well, then I have to buy a whole new wardrobe.

- What for?

- Well if you're going to the white house,

I can't wear these rags.

(upbeat music)

- [Announcer] This has been a Filmways Presentation darling.