Original subtitles

So I decided it'd be best if I dropped the bombshell before either one of us

fell any harder for each other.

What's wrong?

I have to tell you something.

Ooh, that sounds ominous.

You have to promise me that you're going to let me say what I have to say, and

you're not going to freak out, but you'll let me get through what I have to

okay? Okay, I promise.

What about the whole online dating thing?

The other guy you've been talking to?

Kevin. Don't start putting your surly spin on my relationship with Steve.

Don't you mean surly, Steve?

Well, he's not nearly as surly as you.

Well, I mean, Gina, you never know who you're talking to on the internet,

I mean, that could be anybody.

I know. I watched The Catcher Predator.

I'm being serious.

Kevin, stop worrying.

All right, look, just listen to me for a second, okay?

Coming clean to Gina was important, but coming clean to Gina right after Wendy

unloaded all the gory details of her one -night stand, it just didn't seem like

the right time.

So I made a stealthy getaway.

Okay, okay.

I'm going to take a nap.

Nice suit.

And I'll clean that up later too, okay?

Please, keep the shrieking down to a minimum, okay?

Please.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What?

Before we, um, do anything... Do each other?

Have sex, there's just one thing I want to make clear. No, it's okay. I get it.

This is just one night stand. If I don't see you again, I won't be offended.

It's just that... Well, no.

Not exactly.

What I wanted to say is... I had a great time with you tonight, Wendy.

And I figured that... I had a great time, too. It's okay.

Like... Well, hold up. Yeah.

Let me just say this first.

Um, I know this is going to sound kind of weird, considering that we just met,

but what are you doing Sunday night?

I'd like to take you on an actual date.

You're thinking about taking me on a date when you haven't even had sex yet?

It's kind of stupid, huh?

It's not stupid, it's sweet, but what if the sex sucks?

I don't think the sex is going to suck.

You're here.

And you found me.

How did you even get this address? Not that I mind at all, but I didn't even

tell you my last name.

Wait, wait.

What are you talking about?

Oh, man, and you're way hotter in person.

Oh, nice to finally meet you.

Nina, do you know where our antifer shampoo went?

Wendy!

Hey. Hey!

Listen, I know it's only been 30 minutes, but... I couldn't wait until

to see you again. Aw, I'm so glad you didn't. Um, excuse me, but what is going

on here?

Sorry, Gina. This is Cameron, the guy from last night.

He told you his name was Cameron?

My name is Cameron.

Oh, okay, Surly Steve.

Surly Steve?

Your name's Steve?

Kevin!

What are you doing here?

Hey, Cameron.

I live here.

You know him?

We work together.

He's the guy who's been emailing me.

You've been emailing her?

Oh, this isn't good.

What isn't good?

Gina.

I'm Surly Steve.

What do you mean you're Surly Steve?

You said he was Surly Steve.

I'm Cameron.

I'm Steve.

Oh, I'm so confused.

Steve is the guy I met online.

The guy I fell for online.

The guy this guy looks like.

Well, I can assure you I'm not that guy.

What the hell is going on?

Okay.

Moment of truth.

Cameron, I uploaded one of your photos on my... online dating profile.

And I called myself Shirley Steve.

And somehow, by some odd coincidence, Gina contacted me thinking it was you.

But it was really just me.

The me that looks like you, whatever that means.

Anyway, I never meant to hurt you.

That's not what this is about at all.

You've got to be kidding me.

I wish I was.

I can't believe you used my picture without asking me. And lied to your so

-called best friends.

You are nothing more than a lying sack of shit.

A total sack of shit.

Who's now in deep shit?

Sitting on a train to nowhere

Wondering what I've done and where

I've been Thinking of the times

I spent with you dear Wishing I could

have those times again

Feeling that I could have made it better

Knowing that I should have seen

it through Riding on this

train to nowhere Because it

doesn't take me to you

Hello? Hi, asshole.

Did you call to verbally berate me?

I said, but no.

Well, Gina's not been here in weeks.

Um, where's she been today?

Cameron.

He never said anything to me about that.

I mean, not like he's talking to me.

You know, Kevin, I think I understand why you did what you did, but you went

about it a really shitty way.

Well, how's she been?

How do you think she's been? She's hurt, but she misses you like crazy.

Yeah, I miss her too.

You know, she's coming over tonight to pick up a dress that she's going to wear

to a party, and I just thought you might want to know.

Kevin, do the right thing.

Tell her how you feel. She might be pissed as hell at you, but she's still

best friend.

At this point, I had no choice.

I could either run away and let Gina think I'm a lying sack of shit, or I

be a man and face the truth.

Very cute, Kevin.

Or should I call you Steve?

Or, oh wait, maybe Cameron.

Can you just hear me out for a minute?

I don't have time to hear you out. I'm going to a party tonight, and I need to

get ready.

Gina, please.

Kevin, you humiliated me in front of everyone.

The one person I trusted above everyone lied to me. How do you think that made

me feel?

Not nearly as bad as it made me feel doing it. Oh, bullshit.

You were the one that emailed Shirley Steve. I didn't go seeking you out.

Why did you create him to begin with, and why didn't you come clean when I

emailed you?

You want to know why?

You want to know why?

Because for the first time in my life, I felt like you saw me outside of the

friend zone.

I mean, I had a chance with you.

And as much as I knew it was wrong to do, I didn't want to tell you the truth

because I liked the way you saw me when you thought I was someone else.

Weren't you someone else?

I looked like somebody else, okay?

But every thought, every joke, every word, those were mine.

Not Cameron's. Mine.

And you know what's really funny?

You liked that guy.

You wanted to be with that guy. He was the perfect guy.

Your word.

The perfect guy that you invented.

I have news for you, okay?

Nothing in this life comes in a perfect package.

Oh, you made that quite clear.

Come on, Gina. I know I hurt you.

And you can't even imagine how sorry I am for doing that.

Would you answer me one question? Do me the favor, please.

Tell me.

What the hell was so damn attractive about Steve to begin with, huh?

Was it his look or his personality?

What are you trying to prove to me by wearing this anyway?

I want you to admit to me that the only thing that's standing in the way of us

being together is the fact that I don't look like Cameron.

And you know what? If it takes me wearing a stupid mask in order for you

that I'm exactly the person for you, I'll wear a damn bag on my head for the

rest of my life.

I want you, Gina.

And I know somewhere deep down, beyond all this superficial

bullshit, that you want me too.

I'm not quite sure how to respond to that.

It's not the kind of superficial bullshit you'd think.

I've spent my entire life feeling that in order to be happy, I needed a

fairytale romance, to have someone sweep me off my feet, to feel crazy passion

and love, and I thought I could only feel that with someone new, but...

Now I realize that I might be wrong because of everything you said as Steve

true. All of those ridiculous notions out the window.

Everything was true.

Except for the whole part about looking like Cameron.

Well, Cameron's not you, Kevin.

Nobody's you except you.

Thank God for that, right?

So how come you never told me you're such a good kisser?

There's a lot of things I never told you.

Like what?

I'm not too shabby or so.

You like me better with a bag on my head.

No, I like you better with...

So

many buttons.

No.

Thank you.

Oh.

What you surprisingly have.

I'm glad it was a pleasant surprise.

Oh, yeah.

This wouldn't work out otherwise.

How did you get those?

part about all of this?

What's that?

Well, besides the fact that I just had amazing sex with my best friend.

Yes, go on.

We can finally take care of that unopened, about to expire box of condoms

your sock drawer.

Excuse me.

Magnum sized condoms. Oh, sorry.

I will never doubt you on that again.

Thank you.

So,

there you have it. I went from the friend zone to the boyfriend zone.

It wasn't the easiest road, but it was well worth it.

So if you ever find yourself in a similar position to the one I was in a

weeks back, do yourself a favor.

Create a fake online profile and seduce your best girlfriend.

Or stack up and be a man and tell her how you feel.

It might actually work out for you.

What are you doing?

Who the hell are you talking to?

I've never been too lucky in love I

give my all But it's never enough.

Each time I give my heart away, it's the same old sorry tale

for me.

Maybe I try too hard to impress.

Chocolate, champagne, flowers, only the best don't understand

why it ain't enough.

I guess I'm just unlucky in love.

I know that ladies don't like guys that are tight.

That's why I buy them most everything in sight.

Trouble is, as soon as I do, if the water's my catcher later,

toodaloo.

Lucy with diamonds, Katie with pearls, Island with boobies.

Has anyone seen these girls?

Bought birds and hats and pussycats, a dolphin and a dove.

I guess I just ain't lucky in love.

But Esther to the grand, Rosie to the ritz, Janie to the

metropole, through them all to bits.

I never saw those girls after then. It's the same old sorry tale

again.

Took Sue to Rome, took Jade to Paris.

Grace came to Amsterdam, Sophie to Capri.

Maybe I shouldn't care, I know I've had it tough.

I guess I'm just not lucky in love.

I know that ladies don't like guys that are tight.

That's why I buy them almost everything inside.

Trouble is, as soon as I do, it's a watch if I catch you later

to the loo.

Songs without love, my heart will never sing.

Songs without love, it just don't mean a thing.

Because money can buy most anything, but I guess it ain't enough.

I guess I'm just not lucky.

I guess I just ain't lucky.

I guess I'm just not lucky in love.

In love.