Original subtitles

I never meant to hurt you.

That's not what this is about at all.

You are nothing more than a lying sack of shit.

That was the moment I realized I'd never been more in love with Gina French.

Okay, so it wasn't exactly a highlight in my relationship with Gina.

But, you know, for a while there, the two of us had a pretty good thing going.

We'd spend Friday nights at home, hanging on the couch, watching TV.

We used to play together like five -year -olds.

We took care of each other like family.

She knew how to make me laugh.

And I was there when she needed to cry.

Gina was the girl in my life.

And I was the guy in her.

Everything was perfect between us.

Except for one very, very important thing.

Our sex life.

What was wrong with it, you ask?

Well, how about the fact that we didn't have one?

That's right, like so many foolish guys before me, I'd fallen into the friend

zone early on.

I mean, I spent five years of my life doing everything a boyfriend would do

without the benefits of actually being a boyfriend.

And when it came time for Gina and I to evolve, it nearly cost us our entire

relationship.

Case in point.

But to understand how we got to this point, we had to go back in time a few

weeks.

Your feet smell like ass.

That's my nail polish from out there.

Smells like ass.

Your rope smells like ass. You haven't washed in like six months.

Why would I? I mean, you always do all the laundry.

Lazy slobs don't score girlfriends.

I'm not trying to score a girlfriend. In fact, I have plenty of options.

Oh, yeah?

Well, then, please explain why there is an unopened, about -to -expire box of

condoms in your sock drawer.

What were you doing going through my sock drawer?

I was putting away your laundry.

Well, I must say I'm very flattered that you still keep tabs on me.

Lets me know you care.

You know what I like? That you bought the Magnum size like you really need it.

Want me to show you?

You're a bull thing!

What's up, sister?

Oh my god, I think it's happening!

You think what's happening?

Dad called me from work. He said he has something really important to talk to me

about. Good or bad, really important.

I think this is it!

I think after ten years of dating, he's finally going to ask me to marry him! Oh

my god!

I can't hear the TV over your shrieking.

Wendy's getting married!

Bring all the divorce papers.

Call me the second it happens.

Oh my god, I don't believe it. I'm going to be a bride. A bride!

My only dilemma now is trying to figure out the perfect guy that's about to

propose to me outfit. I'm thinking maybe a black lingerie. Or what about white?

Definitely white.

White. Because that's more bridal.

home and I'm going to be in pajama pants. I'll talk to you soon, okay? Love

Love you.

Okay, bye.

I'm going to be a bridesmaid.

Oh, wow. Well, congrats. It's only taken him 10 years.

Well, maybe he wasn't ready until now.

Gina, a guy's ready when he's with the right girl.

You kind of figure that out within the first year of dating, so if he's kept

waiting this long, he was just looking out for something better to come along.

That is so not true. true.

Mac adores Wendy. He was just waiting for things to get more settled in their

lives.

Come on, Gina.

We're guys. We don't think like that. We're very simple creatures.

And in the simplest of terms, Mac is a total dick, and Wendy's an idiot.

Wendy is not an idiot.

Gina, ten years, that's longer than World War I and II combined.

To wait for anybody that long is total desperation.

Idiot. My sister is not an idiot.

And she doesn't wait around for anyone.

Honey, I'm home.

I'm in here.

Hello, my beautiful girl.

These are for you.

Thank you, go ahead.

This is for later.

What's later?

Don't worry about it.

I can't help it. I just don't know what's going on in your head.

You really do ask way too many questions sometimes.

But you said it was important.

It is important.

What's even more important is right now we get naked and we make up.

Just so beautiful, guys.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

my

God. Oh, my

God.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Baby, baby, baby

Oh, shoot.

Oh, my God, baby.

Yes. Oh, yes.

to me about well first off you know that I love you right second

of all this relationship really isn't working for me anymore what I

mean we've been dating for what like 10 years now I need a break I need to play

the field explore the unknown what unknown you know what I mean

break or like a break break let's just call it a parting of the ways but we

had sex yeah but that was something for you to remember me by but you brought me

flowers and champagne a bon voyage gift one journey ends

and another one begins but

we used to be friends all right

You do realize that most of the people that do this whole online dating thing

are batshit crazy, right?

Oh, my God.

Some girl left a voicemail on his phone saying the mover's dropping off her

stuff on Monday at 9 a .m.

He's moving in another girl and I just moved out? How ridiculous is this?

It's about as ridiculous as the fact that you're still checking his

Do you think he's sleeping with her?

Okay, stop.

You guys need to get over yourselves.

Kevin, you have an almost expired box of condoms in your drawer.

And Wendy, you spent ten years of your life in love with a total dickweed.

It's time to move forward, not backwards.

Hey, what are you doing?

Deleting his number from your phone.

It's time all three of us get back in the dating scene.

Don't go anywhere.

What are you doing?

Stay out of my sock drawer.

I'm getting my last...

They still have access to Facebook, so I'll be okay.

I couldn't think of anything less appealing than venturing into the world

online dating. All the rejection.

All the criticism. Just didn't sound like my idea of fun.

Not to mention how unnerving it would be if BigJohnson69 or MeSoFunny32 actually

showed up to pick Gina up for a date.

But unable to say no to her, I went along with it.

For about a day.

Seriously, bro. I'm telling you.

The best thing that's ever happened to you.

You know how easy girls who date online

are?

Well, Gina's not easy, so... Yeah.

Even the most uptight ones.

Start sending little winky faces and shit.

Girls eat that shit up.

Start to loosen up.

I mean, shit.

I made a profile, like, what, two, three months ago?

My house, revolving door of pussy, okay?

Well, Gina's also not uptight. And weren't you still in a relationship

with Tiffany two or three months ago?

Yeah. So?

Because a guy's in a relationship, does that mean he can't have a little fun on

the side?

Sue me, I'm a dick.

Clearly.

Seriously, Chief.

Whenever you decide to put your little profile up, let me know.

It's very important to help you out.

I think I'm going to be okay. I think I'll be fine.

If I need help, I'll just ask Gina. I mean, she's probably gotten like a

emails already, so I'm good.

I'm sure she has.

Gina.

Gina is up.

We got soundproof walls, buddy.

She's going to be knocking boots all over that house in no time.

You need yourself a good profile pic.

Check shot. Girls love check shots.

Something that shows off the body a little, you know?

Being as you don't really have much of one, you're going to need to start

hitting the gym.

Yeah, working out. Hitting it hard. You're going to be working out with me,

okay?

All right, we're going to go pump some iron.

We're going to go pump some chicks.

Right.

Can't wait.

No, you can't.

I'm gonna need to take this one, so you guys chill out, all right?

You gonna be all right, sweetheart, without me?

Man, I can't believe that guy works in human resources.

Yeah, I know, right?

Dating online for an average -looking guy, well, it's about as much fun as

getting hit in the nuts with a steel pipe.

Not that that's ever happened to me before.

But the thing is, average guys, we don't get hot girls.

I mean, unless said average guy has either A, a lot of money, or B, a lot of

fame, which I have neither of the two.

So I figured instead of taking a bunch of unwanted criticism,

I just do what every average Joe does when he tries online dating.

The problem with being terribly good -looking is, well, absolutely nothing.

I felt like a celebrity with all the fan mail I got.

The chicks were throwing themselves at me.

I got boob shots, butt shots, even a video of a girl masturbating to my

picture.

It was a guy's dream come true.

I mean, every one of these girls wanted a piece of me.

It

was

the world's greatest joke against the world.

Until the one person I never wanted to make a joke of found herself unknowingly

The butt of it.

Kevin Anderson.

So, you think you can pull a fast one on your best friend, huh?

Well, you are sadly mistaken.

How long did it take you to figure it out?

About two seconds.

God, that's pathetic. I'm really that obvious?

Why would you even do it to begin with?

Well, because.

Name one girl that would find me attractive in a sea of dudes with six

I've got more like a keg.

So you just pulled your entire profile off the site?

Wait, what?

I took your username last night for awesomeness.

Nothing stood up.

Did you cancel it?

That's like $30 you just flushed down the toilet.

It's okay. I understand.

Virtual dating isn't for everyone.

But for what it's worth, I think a lot of girls would have thought you were

pretty cute.

Oh, yeah.

With this face.

Yeah, with that face.

You're pretty awesome.

So are you.

Okay, so check out this guy.

I sent him an email this morning.

Oh.

It's really Steve.

We have so much in common.

We have the same taste in books and music and movies and food.

And he's kind of like a... Kind of like you and me. Kind of like a soulmate.

You know what I mean?

Well, I mean, Gina, I wouldn't get too hung up on a guy you haven't met yet,

right? I mean, he could be an 80 -year -old grandmother for all you know.

He's no grandmother.

I bet he's knitting you a sweater and some mittens right now.

Kevin, let me enjoy the idea of this, okay?

From the sound of his profile, he's exactly what I need right now. And he's

totally hot.

Great. Of course, he could turn out to be a total nutjob psycho in person, but

on paper, this is the guy I'm gonna marry.

I'm kidding.

Netflix and takeout tonight?

Ah, well, you know, that's assuming you're not busy on a date with your

husband. Hmm, I'll let you know.

Hey, you do that.

So, uh, looks like your boy Kevin over there's got a bit of a crush on you.

What?

I mean, you're staring at the guy like I stare at the new receptionist's ass.

That's my sister.

Well, then your sister has a nice ass.

So, uh, you hook up with any of these online chicks yet?

Dude, it's only been a week.

Cut me some slack, okay? No, I haven't hooked up with any chicks yet.

Well, hop on it, bro.

Let's get going.

These chicks are wild.

Let me tell you, I got some stories. Make your head spin, okay?

Okay, check this out.

A little teaser for you.

Zookeeper chick.

Worked at the zoo.

Had a nut fetish.

The things this chick would do to my nuts, you have no idea. She filled my

sack with light, I'm telling you. You have no idea.

Oh, hello, Jesus.

Hello, John.

Hi, Bunny. What are you doing here?

Good to see you.

On the way to an open house. First need to talk privately now.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, we can talk.

John, I only have 20 minutes. I need for you to take me somewhere private

quickly. Okay, well, there's a bathroom.

I'll follow you, okay?

You're going to listen to me, and you're going to listen good. You understand?

Yeah, I mean, I know I was a good listener.

Look John, I've been thinking and I just want to say I'm sorry that

I fucked my boss.

Do you have any idea how much that hurt?

Don't you feel like you're second best?

No, I don't. I've never been second best.

Well, I had to do it. It was on my bucket list.

Yeah.

I can understand that, I guess, you know.

Gotta honor your bucket list.

Which is why I did it.

But now I'd like to try to be with you again.

Like... Is that, like, more than just friends, or...? Yeah.

More than just friends, you moron.

Look, I...

I know this whole cheating thing seems like a pattern with our neighbor and

that bartender and the UPS guy and my boss.

But things are different now.

And, um, I'll never cheat again. I promise.

Does that mean, like, this time's, like, for the long haul or, like, forever?

Well, okay.

John, you know I don't like labels. So instead of, like, forever, um...

How about we put it more like, for as long as the universe allows.

I can deal with that.

Yeah?

Hmm?

And you know what the best part about infidelity is?

What's that?

Hot makeup sex.

Well, now I finally get to check something off my bucket list.

What's that? Fucking in a lady's room?

I came back together with you.

Let's not ruin this by talking, okay?

Oh, no.

Oh, good to know.

What did you want?

I like that one.

I like it when I do that.

Oh, baby.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

are on the table at 7 no problem and don't forget that red wine I like I

got a bottle done and no watching that Project Runway I cannot

stand that shit no Project Runway

Nothing, man.

Nothing. Nothing.

Any of you guys know how to make a good sniffle?

You know, this online dating thing sucks.

I've gone on two dates now, both of which were with guys that were 40 years

older and 80 pounds fatter than their pictures.

Come on, now. You can't give up hope.

You've got to give it more time.

Time? Who's got time?

Life is passing me by. I'm going to end up alone.

Who wants to go get drunk?

I can't. I have to wake up early tomorrow.

Kevin?

No.

You guys suck.

I've been waiting for her to leave.

No kidding. When is she moving out?

I told you. As soon as she starts dating again, it feels good enough to live on

her own.

That could take a year.

It's happened.

I'm not kidding.

Nobody's going to date her. Nobody.

Why? What is it?

I've totally fallen for Surly Steve.

I mean, you haven't even met the guy yet.

I know, but he finally replied to my email, and oh, my gosh.

He's so smart, and he's so clever, and he's eccentric, and he's soulful,

and he's got a wicked sense of humor.

Well, those are all really good things. That's great.

Not to mention the guy can be a model. He's so hot.

Yeah, and that's what's really important.

He's only replied to one email, and I'm already ready to jump his bone.

It's kind of weird. I want to know everything about him. I've never even

him. He's like the perfect guy.

I'll imagine that.

To come clean or not come clean?

That was the question.

The answer wasn't that simple.

You see, in a kind of fucked up, convoluted way,

Gina had a thing for me, sort of.

And I... I guess I just felt incredible to know that was even possible.

So the selfish part of me really enjoyed that feeling and didn't want to let it

go.

So I didn't.

Dear Surly Steve, The worst thing about me would have to be the fact that I

don't cook.

I am horrible with food. I ruin oatmeal, burn eggs, I can't even microwave a

dinner without setting something on fire.

If I could live one day as a woman, how would I spend it?

Hmm. Having multiple orgasms.

The fact that your bodies can do that is so cool.

I have six alarm clocks, all of which are set to odd numbers.

I have this, like, weird superstition that waking up to an even number means

that I'll have a bad day.

Underneath my mattress is a secret stash of really poorly written romance

novels. Yes, it's pathetic, I know.

But they restore my faith in humanity.

I can't quite explain why.

Before I die, I want to attend a monster truck and demolition show. I like

walking destruction.

So long as nobody gets hurt.

When I was 12...

I wanted to name my band Misguided Prick, but it got vetoed in favor of the

Skunk Rockets. I did, however, grow up to be somewhat of a misguided prick, so

somehow it all came full circle.

My longest relationship was only four months.

I've never met a guy that treated me better than my best friend, so I figure,

why commit to anyone serious until I do?

I think a girlfriend should always be like a best friend that you really can't

wait to have crazy sex with.

Okay, this is totally out of character for me, but I'm kind of dying to meet

you. Can we do something about that?

So after a week of flirting with Gina over email, I quickly realized that I

weeding myself into a shitstorm of deception.