All language subtitles for A&E HomeImprovement XXX AParody 2011

And welcome to Tool Time.

I'm Jim, and this is my rugged
assistant, Sal, and this is our very

100th episode today.

Congratulations,

Jim. You know, I really have to say I'm
surprised that you really haven't

seriously injured yourself by now.

Well, thank you for your vote of
confidence, Sal, but let's not get ahead

ourselves. The show's not over yet.

So in honor of this momentous occasion,
I've baked cupcakes for the audience.

And I made a special cake just for you.
Come look.

Oh, look at this.

Oh, wow.

I gotta say, Sal.

Looking at this cake makes me realize
how old we're getting.

How quickly things change.

People used to do things on their own
with pride.

Like change their own oil.

Now they just want someone else to do it
for 15 minutes or less.

I mean, am I right? Come on.

You know, used to be.

Just the thought of wrenching away at an
old engine would keep me up all night.

Now the only thing that keeps me up all
night is four -alarm chili.

Jim, I really think you should... You're
right, Sal.

You're right.

We're getting old.

Stuck in our ways.

But what's wrong with that? What's wrong
with being old -fashioned?

Nothing, that's what.

Jim, I really think that you should...
Sal, please. The only thing I want to do

right now is sit back, relax, and talk
to the fans about home improvement and

doing it yourself.

Surprise!

And we're back.

Welcome to Tool Times. I'm Jim. This is
my helpful and sometimes supportive

assistant, Sal. Say hi, Sal. Hi, Sal.

Gee, Jim.

I can't wait to see what you're working
on next.

And to see how you're potentially going
to kill us both.

Not us, Sal.

Just you.

But seriously, here we have the Sinford
Lawn Muncher 6000 with a couple of Tool

Times adjustments.

Because if there's one thing we know we
need more of, it's... More!

Wow.

So big.

Don't worry, baby.

I can handle it.

Well, that's all the time we have for
today, folks. Be sure to tune in next

when we show you how to cook a delicious
breakfast on the engine of your car all

the while driving to work.

Wow. That was a great show, Jim. I mean,
really, really great.

Gee, thanks, Al.

You know, Jim, I've never told you this
before, but I really kind of look at you

like the role model father figure that I
never had.

And you're like the hairy boy one of my
sons will grow into one day.

You really mean that?

Sure. Now get out of here before I shave
you and send you off to college.

Right, right.

It's really great.

Wow. Your show is great, Jim You think
so?

All your shows are great In fact, you're
great You're

pretty great yourself I think we would
be great together

Great

Jim, get up.

Come on, lover boy.

Wake up.

You want some bacon?

Huh?

I knew that would get your attention.

Oh, honey, why'd you wake me up? I was
having the greatest dream.

I could see that. You were about to
French kiss your pillow.

What were you dreaming about, anyway?

Nothing. A new engine in the mower.

Really?

I've never seen you get so excited over
an engine before.

Are you sure there wasn't something
else?

Come on. You know, we've got some time
before the kids get here for the big

holiday weekend.

You want to fool around?

Don't you have to get to work?

Nope. I told them I was taking the day
off today to get the house ready.

You know, it's not every day that a
mother gets to see her three grown boys

home from college.

Come on, Jan.

Let's put that boner to good use. We
need it.

Oh, geez, honey, I can't. I promised Sal
I'd help him clean out his rain gutters

before the show. Dang, I'm sorry, honey.

Take a rain check?

No.

What about my rain gutters?

Who's going to clean them out?

Last time, we showed you how to install
an aluminum storm window over an

existing wooden frame.

Today, we showed you how to hang a front
door.

Now, it's very important that it's done
properly, because if it's not well hung,

that could pose a real problem.

Right, Sal?

I wouldn't know, Jim.

Speak for yourself.

It's extremely important that the
installation is aligned with the king

Thank you, Jim.

Well, that's all our time for this
evening.

Thanks a lot, folks.

Take it easy, Chuck.

Hey, Phil.

What are you doing tonight?

Well, the guys and I are getting
together to drink some beers, watch the

You want to join us?

I can't.

My kids are in town for the weekend.
It's going to be kind of a family thing.

All of us back together, you know? Yeah,
yeah. Of course, of course. Good for

you. Good for you. You need that.

It's good.

So, do you want to come over? Oh, no.
No.

No. No.

Actually, Jim,

I kind of want to get laid tonight.

I know what you mean by that.

I know what you mean.

You can have fun with that.

Oh, Miss, you can't be back here.

Hi. Excuse me. My name is Cindy.

Hi, Cindy.

I'm so sorry. I'm just such a big, huge
fan of yours.

Really? Yeah. Well, it's mine. And I
just can't believe I'm meeting you.

Well, to be honest, I couldn't help but
notice you in the audience for the last

few weeks.

Me? Really? You noticed?

Well, yeah. I mean, beautiful girl. Big.

I love Sal Stein, which is very
flattering.

Oh, man.

I'm just... I think you're so amazing.

Really? I mean, this is Jim's show. I
mean, I'm just here to help him out.

Jim? That guy's an idiot. He's just a
comic relief.

I mean, you're the real reason why women
tune into the show, is they like to

masturbate while watching you.

Really?

You're kidding, right?

Do I look like I'm kidding?

Have

you

ever had sex on a television set before?

No, but I'm always willing to try
something new, especially if you're the

teaching me.

Oh, yeah

Oh.

Yes. Oh, yeah.

Yes. Oh,

yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

Yes. Oh, God.

Yeah. Yeah. You want to taste it?

You want to taste it? Yeah, taste it.

Nice.

Oh, yes.

Yes. There you go. There you go.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

That's so good.

That's so good.

Oh, that is so good.

Oh,

my God. That's so good.

Nice and tight.

Oh, that's so good.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Touch it a little more. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh,

that's magic.

Yes.

Oh, yeah. Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

Holy shit.

That's fucking... That was very good.

Oh,

I got you.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You feel that good?

Yeah? You want to face me?

Yeah? Come here, man.

There you go.

That's really nice. There you go.

Holy shit.

Oh my god.

Ew.

Yes. Yes.

Whew.

Milton, you got a minute?

Hello,

neighbor.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Well, it's just that ever since the kids
left, Jillian and I have been having

trouble connecting.

Well, what's your question, Jim?

You see, I've been having these dreams
about nailing this hot young chick for

work. But then every time Jillian and I
go to get intimate, it's like the old

equipment's not firing off like it
should.

You know what I mean?

Well, I think that's perfectly normal,
Jim.

You've been with Jillian for quite some
time now. And you're starting to

fantasize about some new things.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

I mean, we are men, right?

Close to...

Sow our seed and conquer.

Sow our oaths.

Maybe you should ask Jillian to spice
things up a little bit.

That's it?

Thanks, Wilson.

Anytime, neighbor.

Karen, how long have we been friends?

Since senior year of high school, why?

I have a delicate problem and no one to
talk to about it, but you can't say a

word. Jim's not putting out, is he?

How do you always know exactly what my
problem is before I even tell you?

Look, Jillian, you have four problems in
your life, and they all start with Jim.

I have tried nearly everything,
including sex toys and lingerie.

I'm afraid the spark has just gone out
and we're never going to get it back

again. But I'm still horny, especially
now that the kids are out of the house.

Have you thought about having an affair?

These young boys are more eager than
ever to fuck an older lady.

Believe me, they keep me up all night
long.

Parents, really?

It's like discovering the fountain of
youth. They're good for you.

I don't know, though.

I could just never cheat on Jim.

I just don't know what he wants anymore.

Oh, believe me, he'll tell you.

You think so?

I'm really worried.

Eventually, they all spill their
deepest, darkest, dirtiest secrets to

Take my advice. When he does, go with
it. It's a lot easier than fighting us.

Take it from me.

I know what keeps a husband happy.

Karen, you've been divorced for three
years now.

Exactly.

Alright, cheers for that one.

Nice tool, Jim.

Mark it.

What?

What? Sorry I missed dinner.

That's okay. I'm glad you made it to the
place.

So, wait, wait. What happened?

He's just so annoying. He just stops
people and asks them stupid questions.

I'm just being friendly.

What are they talking about?

Nothing. Yeah, if you consider talking
to the flight attendant about some lame

play the entire flight.

Well, he was probably just flirting.

Weren't you, son?

Tell us.

Was she cute?

Her name was Bill, Dad.

Hey, you just don't understand because
it doesn't have football or MMA in it.

Exactly. Dork.

I'm going to go take a shower. That
plane ride was gross.

You know, it's nice to see nothing has
changed.

Marcus, would you be a sports sign and
take those bags upstairs?

Dad, Marcus hates sports. Don't you know
that?

Well, actually, I like wrestling.

Karen, would you like another cup of
tea?

Oh, I can't tonight, but I'll take a
rain check.

So how long are the boys in town?

Oh, you know, the boys will be here for
nearly a week.

Oh, that's perfect.

I'll see you later.

Okay.

What the heck is her problem? I don't
know.

You bring it?

Of course.

What'd you bring?

Bloody bitches from hell!

Oh, my boys.

God,

honey, I gotta say, it's so nice having
the kids back. It feels like old times.

Yeah, right down to that slasher flick.

Why do they have to be so bloody?

Well, that's the best part.

That nudity. Well,

speaking of nudity, I was thinking
tonight we could get nasty.

Honey, the kids, they're right down the
hall. What if they hear us?

Tim, I'm horny. I need it. And you've
been making me excuses for weeks. What

it?

Am I not attractive to you anymore?

Well, that's not it, honey.

Well, then what is it?

I was just thinking that, I don't know,
maybe we could try something different,

you know?

Try things up a little bit.

We have a closet full of costumes and
sex toys.

And I dressed up like a damn sheep last
month and let you march me out into the

yard under the full moon.

What do you want now?

Nothing like that this time, honey, I
promise.

Jillian, you know I love you.

I don't want you to be upset with me,
okay? But I want to have a threesome.

I want you to bring another woman into
this bedroom.

Okay, sounds good.

I knew you were going to... Did you just
say yes?

Who'd you have in mind?

Well, God, I don't know. I never thought
I'd through this far. I never thought

she'd say yes.

What about Alexa?

She's pretty.

The two -a -times girl.

Oh, yeah?

You'd be into that?

Yeah, if you promised it'd only be a one
-time thing.

Would you get in trouble? She is the
boss's niece, right?

I think we can pull it off.

How soon can we find out? You know what?
I am ready to mount our fence pole.

I'll feel her out tomorrow when I see
her on set.

Okay, and if she says yes, let me know
so I can meet you guys down at the

studio. You know I've always wanted to
fuck you on that set.

How does that sound?

That's perfect. That place is a ghost
town as soon as the studio audience

leaves.

Honey, what about the kids?

Who cares about the kids? They're grown.
They're in college.

And besides, if I don't get fucked soon,
I'm going to go on a six -day killing

spree.

I'm serious.

I love you, honey. You're the best. I
love you, too.

Yep. Honey, it's all set up.

I even switched the focus of the show
today so we'd be constructing bed

and voila, they gave us this beauty.

Oh, well, Jim.

We did really good.

This is going to be so much fun.

When does Alexis get here?

Not to worry, honey. She just went home
to freshen up a little bit.

She said she'd be here by 10 o 'clock.
That's going to be awesome.

Cool. I did tell the kids that we had an
emergency to take care of tonight, too.

Why'd you tell them the emergency was?

Well, Marcus was actually the only one
that asked. So I told him that you were

having an emergency of a vasectomy and
had to stay late for all that.

He wishes you well.

Thanks.

I think he's just grateful he's not
having any other brothers.

Well, I can't imagine why you wouldn't
want another brother, considering how

wonderfully he's been treated by Chad
and Andy over the years, huh? I'm not

kidding.

You look beautiful.

Are you ready?

I'm waiting to get my hands on your
tool. I don't think I've ever stopped

Um,

I'm not that bad.

How about the two of you get started and
I'll talk to all of them? No problem.

Oh, I'm liking the ass back here.

fantasizing about what was underneath
the little shorts.

That's fun, honey. I'll be

in in a sec.

Okay.

You want to try?

Thank you, Mr. Honey.

I like it when he goes deep and gets
rough.

Oh, you mean when he gets stuck in a
hole?

Yeah.

A dirty whore.

Oh, man.

I like being a dirty girl.

Oh, my God.

I love you too.

Thanks Alexis.

Yeah, thank you.

Why

didn't

he just tell them the truth in the first
place?

You know, if he would have communicated
his feelings to her, they wouldn't have

gotten into that big fight.

This movie doesn't make any sense.

You don't make any sense.

You know what?

I'm going upstairs to watch some real
movies.

Gladiator movies.

Good night, guys.

You guys are so stupid.

I gotta make a phone call.

You don't mind, do you?

Are you serious?

I fantasized about you ever since last
summer when we were at that swimming

trip.

Wait, what if my mom finds out? Don't
you think she'd get upset?

That's just going to have to be our
little secret, isn't it?

Can you handle that?

I'm pretty good at keeping secrets.
Yeah?

You can ask Marcus if you have time.

Are you good with taking instructions
from an older woman?

Yes.

It's getting great.

climbing through the window?

Um, I had to sneak past your brother and
that woman.

They are really getting it on
downstairs.

Had to climb up this tree on the roof.

Now, here I am.

What?

Gross! Yeah.

He's my mom's friend from high school.

Man,

I'm going to be blackmailing him for
years.

I got here as soon as I can.

Did you miss me?

Why do you think I invited you here?

I can't stop thinking about you.

Really? But we broke up, remember?

I, uh, I haven't told my parents yet,
but, uh, I'm dropping out of school.

What? I thought you said this town was
too small for you, and that you needed

sow your oats or something.

I'm not gonna lie to you, Alice.

I was scared, you know? How many high
school sweethearts really end up

You know?

I even tried to go out and date other
women and that just made it worse.

So, what do you think?

Well, what I'm trying to say is that I
want us to be together again.

I'm going to stay here and get a job.

I was just thinking of something in my
life.

Well, are you doing it for you or for
me?

For both of us.

And then you are.

That felt good.

Let's fix our mouthwash.

horsepower to the Simfer 2000 vacuum
cleaner.

Let's go ahead and plug this baby in.

Shall we?

Sal?

And that, folks, is a perfect example of
why you should make sure all cables are

grounded before plugging them in.

Isn't that right, Sal?

You're an idiot, Jim.

You could have killed me.

Conditioner cell.

Lots of conditioner.

Anyway, folks, that's all the time we
have. Be sure to tune in next time when

show you how to repair things around the
house using simply duct tape and bungee

cords.

Great show, buddy.

I hate you, Jake.

Good one, good one.

I'll see you tonight for poker.

That was really great the other night,
Jim.

Coming back to the stage brings back
some really great memories.

Yeah, it sure was.

It's all I can think about. I even went
out and bought crotchless panties.

You did.

I was thinking maybe I could come by
later.

And you can snake my pipes again.

What?

Don't want my uncle to hear. I'll see
you later.

on in here?

He won't stop staring at that picture.

I think he slept with it under his
pillow last night.

Shut up, Eddie.

I think I know what's going on.

You do?

Sure.

You just missed your mommy a little bit
too. I get it. I think it's me.

Mama's boy. Mama's boy. Shut your face.

Hey, you're not so different than your
brother. Take it easy on him.

What are you talking about? I'm nothing
like him.

Well, you did sneak into my room while I
was gone and slept in my bed.

I'm guessing you did it because you
missed me a little bit too.

How do you know I slept in your bed?

You left a wet spot like you used to
when you were young.

Don't forget you changed your sheets
growing up, kid.

Gross.

I love you so much, Jim.

Oh, I love you too, honey.

Thanks for everything.

No, thank you, Jim.

Milton, I need your help.

Yes, good neighbor.

It's elective.

You mean the pretty maiden who is your
television assistant.

What about her?

She's on her way over here right now to
demand thanks from Jillian and I.

Come again?

Exactly.

I took your advice about spicing things
up, and I convinced Jillian to have a

three -way with her as the meat in our
love sandwich.

How the fuck did you do that?

Um, well, anyway, um, now Alexa thinks
we're involved in some freaky love

triangle thing. I told Jillian this
would be a one -time thing.

How am I going to let this girl down
easy? I could get fired.

You tell her the truth, Jim, and

the truth shall set you free.

You're always right. Why are you always
right? How do you do that? I don't know.

You're the one that's fucking the tool
times check.

I don't fucking know.

Tim, I got hell hurt on the way over
here thinking about fucking you and

Jillian. I think I ruined my panties.

Melissa, Melissa, hold on a second
there.

There's something I have to tell you.
What is it?

We can't hook up anymore.

Why not?

I love my wife, you know.

We were just going through a little bit
of a rut. And the other night put us

back on track.

But it was a one -time thing, not a
lifestyle change.

I kind of feel like anything more than
that right now might just throw us back

off. Better?

I guess.

You don't want to hang around with an
old guy like me. You should be up dating

guys your own age, right?

I've never had an orgasm with a guy
under 30.

In fact, I'm usually the one who starts
with money well past their time.

You'll be just fine.

Just give it a little time.

Tim? Yeah?

Thank you for being honest with me.

Just taking the good advice of an older
single neighbor to talk to him.

You'd be surprised how much he knows.

I know I am.

Well, thank you, little lady.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Why do guys always dump me?

Is there something wrong with me?

From where I'm standing, not a single
thing.

You know what your problem is?

You keep picking young guys.

You need an older guy.

A single man.

You have no children.

A man of education, intelligence, well
-versed in the

arts of lovemaking.

That's me.

Well, where would I find such a kind?

You're looking at him.

God, you are so smart.

Just talking to you makes me so horny.

This fence was in Bettina's. I would
blow you right now.

Can I suck your cock through a hole?

Uh huh.

boys go.

Yep. Now get out.

Now Chad, call me as soon as you get
settled in so I can give you the number

the therapist who works with men with
mommy issues.

Cougar honey.

And Andy, we'll talk more about that bed
lighting problem when you have more

time. Until then, make sure you go to
the bathroom before you fall asleep.

Don't worry, Mom. I'll be fine.

You're kind of our little miracle.

One of your brothers teased you.

We thought you would grow up to be a
career criminal.

Or wake up and kill us one cold night.

Turns out they're a mess while you're
doing so well.

You know, you're getting A's in all of
your classes, and you're so polite and

well -kept.

Yeah, kid, what's your secret?

Well, Dad, maybe it's because I'm a
flaming homosexual.

Anyway, that's all the time we have.