Original subtitles

Come on, honey.

We'll get married in benton.

We'll get married in north fork.

You the orneriest, pig-headed woman, I ever seen!

Oh, you devil!

Oh, oh, cade conway,

Will you just look what you did to my Sunday dress!

You deserved it!

Why, you- you-

We're gonna get married in north fork,

Do you hear me? We're gonna marry in north fork!

We marry in benton!

Vashti?

Vashti? Oh, vashti, vashti, don't leave me.

Don't go away, don't.

Please stay with me, stay with me.

Swifty, gonna make a call.

Anybody home? It's speed

Sullivan, your friendly panacea an' lightnin' rod man.

Anybody home? Speed sullivan,

Just passin' in the neighborhood...

Thought I'd drop by- oh-oh.

Nice strong pulse there.

Dark hair, blue eyes,

Gorgeous knot on the back of your head, cut cheek. Diagnosis,

Unconscious. Prescription, sullivan's panacea.

Doesn't it go down smoothly, huh? That's all right,

You'll feel wonderful in just a bit.

That's- that's it. There we are. There. There's a new

Mystery ingredient in it, huh?

What are you doing here?

Huh?

Who're you?

It's all right, shh! It's all right.

Oh, what was that stuff?

Sellin' lightning rods, speed

Sullivan, sullivan's panacea in that order. You're all right.

Where's- where- wait- you better get out o' here.

Now, now, now, now, madam, you need me.

Who are you?

Madam, what passed your lips, was ambrosia. Ambrosia-

Out!

How about some lightning rods?

Out!

40 an' 10 makes $250.

Well, mr. Harris only wanted to pay you $7.50

For each head of those cattle, pa. You charged 'im $10.

Well, harris drives a hard bargain, son,

I just had to out trade him.

Yeah, but trading is like trading one thing for another,

Isn't it? Money kinda makes it different.

Yeah, well look at it this way, son. Money is just a...

Convenient way of keeping score. You don't have to feed

It, it can't break a leg, an' can't get sick, and it fits

In your pocket. Now, in the store you take a, well,

Let's say you take a penny in one hand, an' a piece

O' hard rock candy in the other and you weigh 'em, one against

The other. Then you decide which one you'd rather have.

Yeah, but doesn't that depend on

How big the piece of rock candy is?

That's right. That's what I've been-

Oh!

All right, folks, step right up

Here! Oh, come right in closer here, folks, get up right close!

Well, I'll-

You're about to see something

The likes of which you've never seen before in your lives.

Come on, son, let's get a little closer.

This, ladies and gentlemen, this is the little dandy.

3/4 inch spiral lightning rod,

The finest lightning rod sold west of the mississippi.

But for purposes of demonstration,

I will use little dandy junior.

Now, now, now, ladies and gentlemen,

For this demonstration,

I'm goin' to place little dandy on the roof

Of this specially constructed asbestos model house.

And while that is there, this house is immune

From fire caused by lightning.

But I will remove the little dandy,

And simulate a summer storm,

With thor riding high in the clouds.

I turn the wheel, the spark from thor

Leaps to this now unprotected house.

Well, the mighty mallet of thor strikes the heavenly and voila!

Your life could well be forfeit!

Voila! $25, ladies an' gentlemen...

A cheap enough down payment on the lives of your loved ones.

Now, folks step forth and be counted,

Our treasurer here will take your orders.

And in the meantime, I would like to show you a new

Item we're introducing this season, and this season only.

This was conceived in europe,

Sent to the east coast of the United States, and given to me,

For exclusive western representation. Now I put-

-Luke, mark! Wait just a second. -Hello, speed.

Ladies and gentlemen,

There'll be a 15-minute intermission, but don't go away,

Because you haven't seen anything yet.

Step closer, folks.

Good to see you, luke.

Come on over here an' sit down,

An' lemme talk to you. Oh, luke, you old son of a gun.

Nice to see you, speed.

We were gonna come out, an' see you tomorrow.

Oh, how you been?

Just fine, just fine. Mark,

You're a sight for sore eyes, an' I got just the eyes for it.

Why don't you try some o' your panacea?

Took too much last night, that's why they're sore.

Speed, tell me, you still

Sellin' those lightning rods that never get delivered?

Lucas, the last time I met you, you were honest.

You could've clipped me for $500 but I took a page out of your book.

Those rods now get delivered, sales are up 600%

Makin' more money than ever.

Got myself a new item too, plague amulets.

-Plague amulets? -Um-hm.

Guaranteed to ward off the plague, head pains,

Feet pains, an' the vapors.

Speed, you really believe that?

Been wearin' this for four months, and I haven't had one

Touch of the plague during the whole time.

No, I don't wanna buy anything, speed.

Oh, no, free to you two.

Wanna protect my friends.

No, thanks.

Tell you what then, let me buy you lunch.

Oh, fine. What about this show o' yours?

Oh, well, swifty can handle it.

Mark, how would you like to take orders? Pays quarter an hour.

Quarter an hour?

What do you say, pa?

Well, son, you take that quarter an hour in one hand and...

Weigh it against sittin' around for nothin' in the other.

See you later.

I mean, one taste of this-

Hi, swifty.

Well, hi, kid. What're you doin' here?

Oh, our pas are gonna eat,

Said I should come down an' help you,

You know, write orders an' stuff.

Well, can you write?

Of course, I can.

Speed, how do you do it?

What do you mean?

Keep sellin' things to people they don't need.

Oh, luke, I...I...I only sell people a belief in their own

Wellbeing. A self-confidence they can hold in their hands.

You see, faith and courage aren't things that you can feel

And touch, but the amulets, the panacea, the lightning rod,

Those are things that are tangible. Those folks say,

"those horrible things can't happen to me,

"as long as I have these."

Speed, you know, I think you missed your calling.

You should've been a preacher.

That's right. Little faith, little courage,

Throw a little hope to make a baker's dozen.

Care for a touch? Makes a wonderful appetizer.

No, thanks, speed. Look, I've got to get down to the bank

For a few minutes.

I'll meet you in the hotel dining room, all right?

Fine, see you over there.

So you're speed sullivan, huh?

That's right. Speed sullivan lightning rod, king of the west.

That's good. You, er, you know what this is?

That's a little dandy lightning rod. $35, $5 down,

To protect you an' your loved ones.

Know where it came from?

Sure, it's one o' my samples.

I left it out at- say, how is

That poor girl?

Er, if, er, you gentlemen would

Like to place an order, my assistants are up the street.

Only order you got is to get up, and walk outta here quiet.

Anybody hits a croxton gets hung,

Specially a croxton woman.

Scoundrel richly deserves it.

Why don't you two go out an' get 'im?

We have got 'im.

Me?! Now, now, wait a minute.

Somebody had already hit that girl before I got there.

Well, why don't you ask her?

We did, that's why we come lookin' for you.

Now, er, just a moment, gentlemen,

I'm sure we can solve this problem, most expeditiously.

That's right, an' fast too.

An' when it is, your feet ain't gonna be touching the ground!

Look, all I tried to do with that young woman-

We know what you tried to do, she told us.

Now look, you wanna assault somebody,

Why don't you try a man?

I, er, I don't know what

That young woman told you, but I had nothing to do with it.

Shooting's too good for him, thess.

Yeah. Hangin' don't take too long, neither.

Think he oughta get bent?

Yeah. Bend him, thess, bend him.

Make him hurt a little.

You and me, is gonna fight!

I am not without the knowledge of fisticuffs, sir.

Take off that gunbelt, I don't wish to get shot,

If I should happen to pink you.

Oh...What?

All right, all right, all right,

We'll do it your way.

All right now, what's this all about?

Mccain, this here fella assaulted my daughter.

-What?! -That isn't true.

Look, we'd better let the marshal settle this.

Lucas, this is an absolute prevarication,

A case of mistaken identity.

Now there are two sides to every question, and I'm sure

With the proper opportunity, I can clear this up.

Well, the marshal will give you the opportunity, speed.

Come on.

Well, miss croxton, is this the man?

Yes, it is.

He came to the house and tried to sell me some lightning rod,

And when I wouldn't have any of it, he- he hit me!

She's tellin' the truth up to the last three words.

Miss vashti, you wanna sit down?

Thank you.

Tell me, vashti,

Was there a struggle when this man assaulted you?

You bet there was.

Ain't nobody belt sis without there's a struggle.

There was some wrestling.

With speed? Tell me something, what kind of hair does he have?

I mean is it brown, black, straight, wavy.

In a real struggle, he must have lost his hat.

Uhm, well, it was, um, black, an' straight, an' with grey.

He must have wore a wig.

Madam, baldness is a sign of masculinity, I wear it proudly.

Did he hit you with his fist?

Well, sure.

You know a knuckle wouldn't have made the kind of a cut

You've got on your face. Guess he must have worn a ring, huh?

That's what it was, a ring.

Sullivan isn't wearing a ring.

That's right.

Miss vashti, did you yell at any time during the assault?

'course she did. Vashti never fights without hollerin'.

Well, sure I did.

But not loud enough to wake up this man's son, who was...

Sleepin' in a wagon not 50 feet away, huh?

All right, I cut my own face, I tore my dress,

An' I burnt the money. Now, that what you want me to say?

Are you callin' her a liar?

I've not called her anythin'.

Well, we signed a complaint and we're gonna see that justice

Is done, if we gotta do it ourselves.

We'll be in for the trial, marshal.

Get her outta here.

Well, micah, it looks like you don't have much of a case.

Well, it's easy to see the girl is lyin'.

This whole thing is ridiculous!

How did you get out of there?

I picked the lock a little while ago.

Look, I got things to do, I gotta get outta here.

Now, look, sullivan, I think you're innocent,

But it's gonna take a judge to clear you unless that complaint

Is withdrawn.

You know, micah, people lie

For certain basic reasons like sparing feelings, saving face,

Personal gain, protecting somebody.

Maybe she's protecting someone, like a boyfriend.

Oh, I've only seen 'er in town once before.

Rode in to go to a barn dance.

Waltzed about three rounds with a fella when king an' thess

Come roarin' in and dragged her out.

It seems they don't take to her gaddin' about.

Mm, you remember who that man was?

Yeah, sure, one o' gebhart's wranglers.

The one with the scar on his face.

Why, that's cade conway. Now we've got a name we can use.

Look, I got an idea. You go along with it,

The three of us ride out to the croxton ranch?

All right.

All right, I've gotta pick up my horse. Speed, I'll look in on

The boys at the hotel. I'll catch up with you on the road.

You know something, sheriff?

If lightning ever hit this place

Everybody in here would die like a rat. I tell you what I can do,

For $5 down I can give you an awful, good deal

On the lightning rod. Now, it's the newest thing-

Go ahead, kid, an' order. My treat. Anything up to a quarter.

Oh, thanks.

Say, good lookin', are there any more at home like you?

Stew.

Uh, same please.

That wasn't very polite.

Nah, it keeps 'em happy.

Say, er, swifty, I was wonderin' about that money

I was supposed to get for helpin' out?

Oh, sure, kid, sure. Got change for a dollar?

Uh, no, not on me.

We'll settle later then.

Wait, I know where I can get some change.

Bet you'll never guess what I've got in here.

What's that?

Here, I'll show you. It's a rattlesnake rattler. You know,

You can tell the age by just counting the number o' buttons.

Here I'll show you something else.

What are those?

These are his fangs.

How'd you get 'em?

Well, when you find a rattler, you just grab 'em by the tail,

And pull real hard!

Then when he turns around to- to bite you, you just grab 'im

By the teeth, one in each hand, an' you yank!

Isn't that dangerous?

Well, gotta be awfully quick.

Quarter.

These fangs sell for a quarter a piece. I'd throw in

The rattler. You know, back east they'd sell for $3 a lot.

Deal.

Hey, that's a lot o' money exchangin' hands there.

We're just makin' a business transaction.

Well, you learn quick, boy.

Gonna eat with us, pa?

I can't, son, we've still got a few things to straighten out.

Mr. Mccain, is...Is pop on the hook that bad? I'd better go

With you. Pop's usually out of trouble in a half an hour.

What's the matter this time?

Well, speedy, I guess you'd call it a case of mistaken identity.

Oh, the classic defense,

Mistaken identity. Speed always uses that one.

Speed always- look, you...

You boys wait in the lobby for us,

We oughta be back in about an hour, huh?

Say, I'll, uh, I'll show you some card tricks.

Oh, good. I like card tricks.

On second thought, maybe I'd better read.

Who is it?

Marshal torrance.

Come on in.

What's that man doin' outta jail? Why ain't he handcuffed?

Don't worry, daddy, I got him covered.

He ain't going any place.

Now, thess, you just put that gun away

An' sit down an' listen. We wanna talk to you.

We'll listen, but that man's gonna pay for what he done,

One way or the other. Your way or ours.

Now, simmer down, king, and listen.

Micah, remember what we were talkin' about?

Let's see if I'm right.

Thess, when was the last time you told a lie?

What's it to you?

Answer 'im!

Well, let's see, a week ago

I left the gate open, an' a cow got out, an' I told daddy

I didn't. I thought he'd get mad, but he found out anyway.

Well, you lied to avoid punishment.

Mr. Croxton, when's the last time you told a lie?

What do you wanna know for?

Now, people have reasons for lying.

I've got a good reason for this.

Well, maybe I told the kids I was on business,

When I was off doin' a little drinkin'.

Hmm. Well, you lie to preserve status, an' spare feelings.

Speed, when's the last time you told a lie?

Oh, I...I...I never told-

Couple o' months ago, there was this-

A shipment of lightnin' rods, but lost is what they were.

Now, that figures. Speed lied for personal gain.

You're lollygaggin' around here,

Like the man who cut down the cherry tree.

When was the last time you told a lie?

That's fair enough. Let's see now, I told mrs. Carpenter

She had a nice hat. But it was really pretty bad.

I...Lied to spare her feelin's.

We all have our reasons for lying, don't we, vashti?

Well, what do you mean?

When was the last time you told a lie?

Now, I told you the truth! It was that man right there!

Well, we've covered all the fundamental reasons for lyin'.

All except one, lyin' to protect.

Maybe you're protecting somebody, is it cade conway?

And just what do you mean?!

Has that wrangler been hangin' around here again?

I oughta put the whip to you.

Well, you're gonna have to come and get it first!

It was conway, wasn't it?

It was that man right there!

Was it?

Oh-

Vashti, I'm just tryin' to be

Your friend. I know it hasn't been easy for you.

Well, you just bet it hasn't been easy. My ma died when I

Was 6 years old, an' ever since I've had the worst part

Of bein' a wife. Pa an' thess, they won't marry!

Well, why should they?! They get their meals made,

Their clothes washed an' sewed. An' on Saturday night,

They go out chasin' women, lock me up.

Some women get who they want by just kissin' a man!

With those two around...

I gotta use a tree branch or an axe handle!

You spend most o' your life just doin' for your family.

Well, from now on I'm doin' for myself!

But you know, what I can't figure out is, how all that love

An' consideration can just disappear

Like a wind-blown cloud.

Now, you stop runnin' around the barn an' say what you mean.

All right, vashti, I will.

I just don't think you'd sacrifice that man. Now, I know

How you feel about conway, but you tell me, what kind of a love

Would you have, if you knew all along that you were responsible

For mr. Sullivan being in jail?

You just wouldn't be happy unless you told the truth,

Would you?

No.

Well, it was cade. All right, he may not be much,

But he's the only man that ever told me words

That didn't have edges and corners on 'em.

Mister, I'm awful sorry for all the trouble I caused you.

Now, I even told them that you went the opposite way,

But they tracked your wagon.

Well, I know where cade is, an' I'm goin' to him.

Well, he belted you an' stole your money!

He can't hit near as hard as you can. Caught me off balance,

But I can lick cade conway any day in the week, and I'm

Gonna marry him. And he didn't steal that money, cuz half of it

Was his. And you come lookin' for him, an' the first piece

O' lead you catch is gonna be from me!

Want us to help you pack your things?

What things?! Excuse me.

Thank you, mr. Mccain.

Lucas, you're amazing.

Amazing, how?

You played that girl like she was a harpsichord.

What do you mean, speed?

You tricked her, you scared her, you made her feel sorry

For herself, then you hit her with the soft sell.

That job you did was a classic. I sort of stayed out of things,

Because I was screening you.

Screening me?

Lucas, you're a natural born talent, smooth.

I want you in a partnership with me. Now, I don't mean peddling

This junk, but big things. Big, big things.

Insurance, stocks and bonds. We are a perfect combination.

I hit 'em hard and you ease the rug right out from under 'em.

In 2 years you'll have 40% of a million dollars. 50-50?

I could make it your 60 an' my 40?

I'll tell you what, speed,

You got a deal, if you can answer one question.

What's that?

Where was the man when he jumped off the bridge?

What man? What bridge?

Any man, any bridge.

He's on the railing, of course.

That was before he jumped.

Oh, well, er...Er, he was in the air!

That was after he jumped.

Uh, one foot in the air, one foot on the railing!

2 feet in the air and one on the railing!

Uh...A foot in the-