Original subtitles

Well, well, well.

Ooh! Oh, no, no.

Yes! Ah!

SHE HISSES, BELL RINGS

Ah!

Um...

Quite windy today. Yeah.

Christ!

Ooh! Wrong way.

That's how you do it, baby.

OK.

Oh, my God!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ooh!

SHE BABBLES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello!

Welcome! Welcome!

I'm Greg Davies.

Welcome to a brand-new series of Taskmaster.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's great to be back, and since we were last on air,

I've met so many of you on my travels.

And just to start the new series as I mean to go,

can I just say, genuinely, if you're one of the many people that came up to me on the street

over the last couple of months and had a photograph with me on your phone,

I want you to know this -

despite my smiles and what I said, I did resent being asked...

LAUGHTER

..and you did ruin my night.

LAUGHTER

Stop it! LAUGHTER

Let's crack on and see what the new five look like,

huddled together on their chairs, their eyes on this prize -

a trophy of a man who doesn't have a beard or glasses.

It's not me! LAUGHTER

Please welcome Joanne McNally...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..John Robins... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Nick Mohammed... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Sophie Willan... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Steve Pemberton!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And sitting next to me is the Harry to my Meghan Markle.

LAUGHTER

A little ginger who's started to realise that he's paired up

with one sassy queen.

LAUGHTER

IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: It's little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah. Hello!

All right? Hello, Greg. How are you doing?

Dangerous, as always.Good. LAUGHTER

Just a bad boy.

LAUGHTER

I'll do anything.

Honestly, I'd do absolutely anything. I don't care. Yeah?

See this, right? Here we go.

Can of worms.

LAUGHTER

I'll... I'll open that.

LAUGHTER

Go on, open it.

Oh, it is actually worms. Yes, it's worms, yeah.

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you now without looking at him,

that's the end of what he's prepared.

LAUGHTER Are you saying I... there should be more stuff now?

Well, there should be some sort of punchline, yeah.

So, this bit now is the punchline.

LAUGHTER

But everyone was in a great mood and really looking forward to it,

and now look at this. That's what happens when you open...

Because there's a room full... LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. All right.

I mean, you got a round of applause out of it.

LAUGHTER

In quite manipulative fashion, I think.

LAUGHTER

Let's get the first of our prize tasks underway then, shall we?

Underway right away,

and for this episode you've asked them

to bring in something pretty important.

It's this -

the most glorious thing that sounds a bit like "Greg Davies"

if you mumble it.

LAUGHTER

The most glorious thing will get five points,

and the winner of this first episode

will take home five things which all sound

a bit like "Greg Davies" if mumbled.

Over to you... Yeah. MUMBLES: ..Greg Davies.

Right, Joanne. Yeah.

What have you brought in?

I brought in a jug. LAUGHTER

That sounds like "Greg Davies" when mumbled?

Yeah. Glug...glug gre...

SHE BABBLES Glug gravies.

LAUGHTER

A jug of gravy. Yes! Thank you, Steve.

She has brought in a Glug Jug of gravy. Yeah, Glug Jug. It looks like this.

It's called a Glug...? There you go, look.

Oh. That's called a Glug... That's full of gravy.

What do you mean it's called a Glug Jug?

When you pour it out, it makes a glug sound.

That's it. It makes a glug sound. It has glug acoustics.

It goes glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, Greg Davies.

Yes, I know. LAUGHTER

So, what rhymes with "Davies"?

"Gravies". Thank you.

I think we've established everything I need to establish

before I give you one point.

LAUGHTER

John, what have you brought in?

I brought in... MUMBLES: ..Grieg diaries.

LAUGHTER

It sounded like he said "Greg Davies".

You've actually brought me in, John?

I've brought in Grieg's diaries.

LAUGHTER

The diaries of Edvard Grieg, the Norwegian composer. Here they... Yeah. Here they are.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow, that's good, isn't it? Is it a glorious thing, though?

It is meant to be the most glorious thing.

Have you heard his concertos?! LAUGHTER

I'm just saying, I had to read the book,

and it's mainly about his desperate unhappiness at school.

LAUGHTER His...

His glorious unhappiness at school.

LAUGHTER

I like Grieg's diaries.

LAUGHTER

Nick.

Hi, Greg.

We are contrasting physical characters.

We are. In what regard?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'll leave it as a mystery. LAUGHTER

What have you brought in?

I went for... HE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY

LAUGHTER

Can you say it again? MUMBLES: Eggs Benedict.

Are you saying "eggs Benedict"? I am.

LAUGHTER

Who would've thought Joanne would be back in the game?

LAUGHTER

Whoo! CHEERING

Yeah, here's the eggs Benedict. LAUGHTER

It's difficult to mumble "Benedict" into "Davies", for sure.

Not if you breathe out. If you breath out... HE EXHALES AND MUMBLES: Benedict.

Let me give it a go. Yeah. HE EXHALES AND MUMBLES: Benedict.

LAUGHTER

Sophie?

I've met your aunt and uncle. LAUGHTER

Pam and Willy.

She was Miss Wem in 1962.

And she was saying, "Oh, he's on telly, he's my nephew."

Yeah. "He's tall." It took us ages, but we got there.

LAUGHTER

Do you know what's genuinely fascinating about this? Yeah?

Is I know very well who my aunties and uncles are,

and they are not Pam and Willy. LAUGHTER

You're joking!

I can't believe that.

They've been telling a lot of fibs. Yeah, yeah.

They're lying, all right. Uh, what have you brought in?

Egg babies. LAUGHTER

"Greg Davies". Will you mumble it for me?

MUMBLES: Egg babies. LAUGHTER

Yes!

Egg babies. AUDIENCE: Aw!

Ah, that's good. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Man, that is good. Thank you.

Egg babies do exist.

People train to be a parent by holding an egg baby... Yeah.

..for up to two months. Who are these people?

Well, me and my wife. Right.

LAUGHTER

That's very good, Sophie.

Thank you. I'm quite proud of them.

Steve, what have you brought in that rhymes with Greg Davies?

So, I was mumbling your name and I came up with, uh...

HE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY

What was that?

MUMBLES: Peg Mavis. Meg Mavis?

MUMBLES: Peg... Peg Mavis.

Peg Mavis.

It's Mavis from Coronation Street as a peg doll.

Oh, God. LAUGHTER

And here she comes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is tough. Yeah, yeah. It's not bad.

Reece Shearsmith did the picture. Did he? Yeah.

Mavis Riley, Mavis Wilton, uh, played by Thelma Barlow.

So, I actually sent Peg Mavis to Thelma Barlow

to see if I could get her endorsement of Peg Mavis,

and she sent me a lovely signed card.

There she is. OTHERS: Aw! That's Thelma.

"To Steve, good luck, from Thelma."

After I got Peg Mavis back from Thelma Barlow,

I sent Peg Mavis to the actual Coronation Street.

And I think it was a very windy day, as you can see.

If anything, it's a bit too bum-licky, innit,

the whole thing?It is a bit. LAUGHTER

He's gone a bit over the top, if anything.

Right, you've seen all five.

I mean, it's not hard to give Joanne one point, obviously.

LAUGHTER

Nick, two points, and you can thank me for them. What?!

I will. Thank you.

I'm going to give egg babies three points.

Fabulous, thank you.

I think I have to reward Steve,

because it's the beginning of a new series

and I'm trying to be more upbeat about life... LAUGHTER

..for all of his efforts, but I want you to know

that "Grieg diaries" is a very close second.

Thank you. There we go. Five points to Steve Pemberton.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done. Well done. Well done.

Right, we're off. Let's task.

And we begin with a task involving my two middle names -

Danger and Eggs. LAUGHTER

Hey, Alex. LAUGHTER

Hi, Nick.

Ooh, an egg.

Welcome, Sophie.

Hello. Ooh!

LAUGHTER

Egg, is it?

LAUGHTER

Hello, my G.

Hello, Steve. LAUGHTER

Hmm. He's cute.

Who do you think it looks like?

Mr Blobby. LAUGHTER

Best physical comedian of our generation.

Uh, we should CRACK on.

AUDIENCE GROANS Lovely. Yeah?

"Do the riskiest thing involving this egg..."

"..without breaking this egg."

Love that.

"The egg in the greatest danger that doesn't break wins"!

"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."

Can you swallow an egg whole?

And get it out again? And get it out again?

Not sure that's going to happen in 20 minutes.

LAUGHTER

20 minutes.

So, I'm going to take a minute to think before I plough in,

cos that's always good, in't it?

When you say... Oh, hang on.

When you say "crack", do you mean the shell,

or do you mean the egg comes out?

LAUGHTER

So, this spoke to me.

There's a little thing... number nine on there.

Now, I do a show called Inside No. 9. Oh, yeah.

If I put the egg in there,

we'll take this egg on a hell of a ride.

Ah, I'm so disgusting,

but I'm not going to do what I immediately thought of doing.

LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Both of your instincts - yours and John's -

was to eat the egg and then, uh, defecate it out.

No, mine was... Mine wasn't... Sorry!

LAUGHTER

Excuse me! What sort of animal do you think I am?

I wasn't going to defecate.

I was going to add it to the rest of my eggs for safety...

..in there!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I-I was planning to defecate the egg.

LAUGHTER Let's have a look.

OK, well, our first two risk-takers are Nick Mohammed and Jo McNally.

Do we have, um, puffer wrap? Bubble wrap?

Yes.

Is it hard-boiled?

I don't know.

Then let's go and boil it. I've got 20 minutes.

Round one.

See how that egg's doing.

OK. Let's take it outside.

I'm going to try and throw bricks and get as close as I can.

LAUGHTER That's a bit risky.

I mean, it sounds really risky, right?

You ready?

Yes, I'm ready.

LAUGHTER Ooh.

Felt risky.

That was quite close.

Yeah.

You ready? Uh-huh.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Ooh!

It jumped over it. That's risky.

That's really risky.

This is fun, isn't it?

It is quite fun. Oh!

Go on.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

LAUGHTER

Right.

LAUGHTER

Are you finished? Yeah, I think so.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS

I'd say it's cracked.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I'm sorry.

LAUGHTER

Thank you!

Thank you, Nick.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Did you think at the time that hard-boiling the egg

would protect it from a brick?

I thought hard-boiling the egg would make it firmer.

Yeah, but, I mean, I did feel an element of risk there. Yeah. It was surprisingly exciting.

It looked quite sad at the end, didn't it? Yeah.

Yeah, well, you murdered it. LAUGHTER

Um, Joanne, probably the bricks

would've bounced off that bubble wrap.

But no-one gasped at my task.

They were gasping at Nick's, which means it's more risky.

Well, that's the second comment I'm coming on to,

which is you then did the least risky thing

I've ever seen. LAUGHTER

She did say, "Right, I'm going to fuck it against a brick wall

"like a mad bastard." LAUGHTER

I did say that.

That was... That was the plan.

It was... It was riskier in my head.

Do you want to find out if the egg survived? Yeah. It did.

LAUGHTER

Was that not the point, to keep the egg alive?

Yeah, it means you've definitely got points... Yeah. ..because the egg had to survive.

I protected it. Yeah, the egg had to survive. Oh, no. Do I not get anything?

No, not if the egg didn't survive.

Yours got eaten by a crow. I know.

And there's something quite cannibalistic

about another bird eating an egg.

Of course. Eugh! Oh, God.

OK, do you want to see another one? Yes, please.

OK, it's now time for old Risky Robins. Ooh! Here we go.

Thank you so much for taking me out for a ride.

I know your husband's at his cow-riding lesson.

LAUGHTER

Look out! COW BELLOWS

PITCHED-DOWN SHOUTING

TYRES SCREECH, COW BELLOWS

COW BELLOWS

Look out!

Oh, my God! Are you OK?

You saved my life.

That... That was incredible.

DING!

LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very nice.

Shall we, uh, drill down into the narrative a little bit there?

So, the egg is giving me a lift home.

Unbeknownst to the egg,

the egg's husband's cow-riding lesson is nearby.

LAUGHTER Yeah.

The egg...egg wife was... was heading towards the very cow

the egg's husband was learning to ride.

Oh, my God, the irony.

So, uh, she swerves, hits a brick wall... Yeah.

..we both survive intact. Yes.

And if you have any doubt as to the riskiness

of that procedure,

please speak to the production staff

about the two-hour meeting we had about...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

All right, time for the first break of the series.

Show the adverts the respect they deserve.

Alex, arms up, legs wide, big smile, tongue out, and wiggle.

Everywhere!

Wiggle your tongue!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Welcome back to this box-fresh series of Taskmaster,

where we've started big with a task about risk.

Yes, Greg.

They're doing the riskiest thing with an egg right now...on TV!

Next up, it's Steve Pemberton.

EAGLE SCREECHES

I want to tell you a story about risk.

We're in the mining town of Yolkston,

population half a dozen.

It's a Friday.

Beautiful day, sunny side up.

Into town rides intrepid explorer, Eggbert Nobacon...

LAUGHTER ..on his trusty goat Shelly.

And they're trundling through here.

As you can see, there's lots of CCTV,

and this alerts the local poachers.

HORSE NEIGHS

And they are chasing Eggbert.

And there's huge risks, so Shelly has to go quickly.

But there's the Omelette Express.

BELL RINGS, LAUGHTER

Shelly's rearing up.

HORSE NEIGHS

The poachers run out of breath.

But here's the greatest danger and the greatest risk of all.

Eggbert has to run over the Crackatoa Falls.

And there he goes through the Cape of Good Horne...

LAUGHTER

..and off into the sunset, having allayed all risk.

His brain was scrambled, but Eggbert and Shelly go on.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS Ah!

You did it. Thank you.

He's happy, is he? He's happy, yeah.

Yeah. Happy as Larry. Sweaty.

Yeah, he's really sweaty. LAUGHTER

But you would be. Just had all that risk.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

God, I was really torn between thinking,

"Oh, God, there's...

"It's quite complex puppetry skills going on here,"

and the thought that I was watching a very lonely boy in his bedroom.

LAUGHTER

Yeah. I had Alex with me.

LAUGHTER

I did as many different risks as I could.

Which brings us to our controversy of this particular piece of film.

LAUGHTER Mm.

Did Eggbert crack when he fell from the stagecoach?

Oh, you mean after the task had been completed?

LAUGHTER Ah!

There may have been some albumen.

And you were so enjoying yourself, weren't you? I really was.

You were having a lovely time. I did have a lovely time.

Good. Shame you failed.

LAUGHTER

Shall we have a look at Sophie?

Sure, yes.

It's our final risk-taker. It's Sophie Willan.

SHE EXHALES

Well, it'd be risky to get it on your head,

wouldn't it?

My grandma used to do,

you know, the posture test with an apple on her head.

Did she? Yeah, or a book.

If you keep your back straight, she says, like this.

Do you know what?

I'm going to try with just this for a start,

just to kind of edge in.

Right.

Your head's a little bit like a nest.

Yeah, well, that helps, doesn't it?

But it's not... It's still risky, though. Yeah.

Hang on, right.

Risky.

Right, hang on.

Oh, no.

I'm going to...

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS Oh!

He's gone!

Oh!

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

He's gone!

Oh, no.

I felt so confident.

I was going to do a lunge and everything.

LAUGHTER

He looks so sad, doesn't he?

Thanks. No, thank you, Sophie.

Well, I still get a point for trying, don't I?

APPLAUSE So, that's... Yeah?

I don't want to do an offensive caricature of your accent...

Yes, do, though. Go on. ..but... Carry on.

..I put it to you

that your version of creating risk in a situation like this

is to occasionally look at the camera and go...

IMITATES SOPHIE: ..Risky!

LAUGHTER

I'm not Johnny fucking Vegas.

LAUGHTER

Fucking hell.

I said it would be offensive. LAUGHTER

It was a very risky thing to do.

To put an egg on your head? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

With an egg? Come on.

LAUGHTER

Wow. I think you're going to be a delight for this series.

LAUGHTER

So, three people broke their egg. Do they get any points, Greg?

Well, no.

OK, in which case only John and Joanne's eggs survived.

I thought that the bubble wrap was very clever,

but I don't think there was a lot of risk,

so I can't give you five points. OK. OK.

But I can give you four... Oh! ..which is a miracle.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Because you...Thrilled.Yeah.

You came second.

And obviously, we'll give John Robin's effort five points.

There we go. Five points. Four points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Is it time for the first scoreboard of series 17, Alex?

Yes. I can show you the scores.

At the bottom of the table, it's Nick with just two.

At the top, it's John with nine.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow.There we go.

More, please.

OK, Greg, and it's time to meet the teams.

There we go. Ah-ha!

Hi, Alex.

What am I looking at?

Oh. That's where you stand.

Behind the line?

No. Here?

Yes, please.

Yeah, facing you. Not yet.

No.

Hello! Sophie. Hello.

In the red bit, please. Righto.

Ah.

I'm going to open it.

"Create the best single picture

"of an animal doing something surprising.

"All six blinds must be fully

"and equally involved in your picture.

"You may not see each other's work."

What?!

Is there someone else here?

I don't know.

Hello! Hello! Hello!

Is it Steve? It is!

Hi, Steve. I literally recognised your voice. It's Nick.

What's your name and where'd you come from?

I'm John and I come from Bristol.

Hello! Hello, John.

Sophie from Bolton.

Oh, lovely stuff.

Oh, hello! Who's that?

There's more of us.

Hello! Hello. Hello.

I'm Joanne. Hello, Joanne.

Hello, Steve. Hello.

Hey, Alex.

Right, OK.

"Create the best single picture

"of an animal doing something surprising."

"All six blinds must be fully

"and equally involved in your picture.

"You may not see each other's work

"and you may only say two words at a time."

"You may only say two words at a time."

Right?

"After the task, your pieces will be lined up

"next to each other in this order.

"One, shortest Wikipedia entry.

"Two, Best Show at the Edinburgh Fringe winner."

"Smallest shoe size."

I think that's me.

"The person whom Alex said hello to first."

"Five, most Twitter followers.

"Six, lowest-scoring full name in Scrabble."

"You may not move outside of your segment.

"You have 15 minutes.

"Your time starts when Alex blows his whistle."

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE Hi, Nick.

Hi, Steve.

Pulling blinds.

Me, too.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But it's funny, at this stage of the game

you're all being so sickeningly friendly

and polite to each other.

I'd love to see how that will change over time.

Shall we?

Yes, so, they had to paint one picture per team,

and their six segments were going to be lined up

in a certain order. Yes.

But the main problem is they could only use two words at a time each.

So, here's how they all got on at painting on blinds,

and talking two words at a time, and that sort of thing.

Colour?

Uh, green.

Lovely.

Animal?

Giraffe?

Lying down?

Giving birth.

LAUGHTER

Dog car.

What?

Dog car.

Oh. OK. Dog driving.

Front car.

Giraffe lying.

Giraffe lying?

Long picture.

Yes. Portrait.

Yes.

Which...? Which...? You paint.

Which blind?

First was?

Shortest Wiki.

What? Ah.

I don't have a fucking clue what's going on.I do. LAUGHTER

Oh! Up there!

Up where?

Above door.

Ah, fuck!

Sophie Wiki?

Vole. Bold?

Vole dancing.

Sophie Wiki. What?

One, Nick. Head, Nick.

Yes. Two, Steve.

Neck, yes?

Yes.

Wiki length.

Uh, small.

Joanne length?

Mine's longer.

OK. Wrote myself.

LAUGHTER

Sophie first. You what?

Bonnet profile.

"Bonnet profile"?

Side-on. You what?

Side-on.

Head height?

Mine?

Nipple.

LAUGHTER

Confused, Steve.

Sophie bonnet.

Side-on.

What the fuck? LAUGHTER

Two words. What? What?

Private parts?

Big ones.

Legs akimbo?

Yes, please.

Car colour? Car red.

Thank you.

Paint fence? Fence paint?

Two words.

Using roller.

Shit.

Catching up.

Ten seconds left.

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE

That was really... Yeah. You can't look at each other's work,

so if you just head towards the front door... Both of us? Mm-hm.

We get to say hello to each other?

SOPHIE LAUGHS Hello!

Hello!

THEY LAUGH How are you?

I'm very good! How are you?

Look at your hands. I know.

I got a bit carried away, actually, cos I got very confused.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Did you think you understood what was happening?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, your team-mates did.

In fact, one of my favourite moments was when you announced

for the third time you didn't know what the fuck was going on,

and Joanne went, "I do."

LAUGHTER

I was like, "Come on!"

Why were you shouting "vogue dancing"? LAUGHTER

She was shouting "vole". That was "vole". She was...

"Vole dancing"? Yeah.

They'd agreed to do a dog driving, but... Yeah.

..she had other ideas.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I thought, "I can draw a vole."

Right. Uh, you two, however, seemed like an absolute dream team.

We had some Chuckle Brothers energy going on, I think, between us.

There was a little confusion about nipple height.

LAUGHTER

Yes. Yes.

Correct me if I'm wrong -

the giraffe will specifically have big genitals.

Yes, that exchange went,

"Legs akimbo?"

"Yes, please." "Private parts?" "Big ones."

LAUGHTER

Right. Break time.

I know you want to see their pictures,

but you're just impatient these days, aren't you?

so you'll have to wait.

I said you'll have to wait!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

Welcome back to Taskmaster. Is it finally time, Alex?

It's time, Greg.

The teams have painted their best pictures

of animals doing something surprising

on their roller blinds,

and we're going to see their creations.

The order they had to be put in was very specific,

which is why it's so impressive

that Steve and Nick's giraffe giving birth looks like this.

SOPHIE GASPS, AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Oh, wow! APPLAUSE

Not bad, is it? Not bad.

Sorry, but that's sort of what it looks like.

LAUGHTER

Unfortunately, one of them did do landscape,

one of them did do portrait,

so it actually looks like this when you line them up.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I mean, that certainly helps with the big genitals part of it.

LAUGHTER

It certainly does.

It's not a bad start. OK. Uh, dare I ask for the next one?

Sure.

Here is their picture of a dog driving

and a cow dancing and bird smoking.

LAUGHTER

It's good!

I like it.

APPLAUSE

I mean, it's accidental, but I kind of like it as a bit of art.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll put the two of them next to each other

and you can judge them, Greg. Yeah.

Uh, there we go. Oh.

I will give the giraffe five points, which is over-generous. OK.

The other one is absolute madness...

LAUGHTER

..but there's some enjoyable individual effort,

so I'm going to give them three points,

which is again hugely generous. OK.

The winners are Nick and Steve. Five points each. Well done.

APPLAUSE

Right, can we please have another one, Alex?

Yes. Yes, we can, Greg,

and for this series we've gone down to the Taskmaster farm.

AUDIENCE: Ooh! Ooh.

LAUGHTER

Hey, Alex.

This is really exciting.

Never seen anything like it, that run. I know.

Right. Here we are.

Right. The Nile.

The Nile. Not really, no.

Look at that water. I cannot wait.

No.

"Hoopla Gary before he crosses the finish line."

"Your time is doubled every time one of your limbs gets wet."

"Fastest wins."

"Your time starts now."

Is this Gary?

I don't know.

Is something coming down there? Down the river?

Gary?! LAUGHTER

Oh, here we go.

You found Gary.

There's a gorilla on a boat.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I really loved watching Dracula run towards the task.

LAUGHTER Thank you.

It's really quite life-affirming.

Shall we crack on? Sure. Yes, OK.

And if you've always wanted to see a vampire attempt

to get a hoop over a gorilla on a raft,

you're going to absolutely love this.

It's Nick.

So, I've got to hoopla him around the head?

No.

Tricky, innit?

Come on, Gary.

Oh, God.

You've only got one hoop left.

HE EXHALES

LAUGHTER

What a let-down. I was really excited about that.

All right. Come on, then.

Ooh, it's cold!

LAUGHTER

Is this safe? Cos I'm quite short. LAUGHTER

All right. Oh, my God!

You've got to hoopla Gary pretty quick now.

Come on, Gary. LAUGHTER

Oh, it...it is cold, innit?

APPLAUSE

Can I ask you if your arms are wet?

My arms aren't wet at all. OK.

I'll tell you what's wet - my legs.

Well, I'd guessed that.

Right, Gary. Which one shall we do?

Nailed it.

I've stopped the clock.

APPLAUSE

I think you're in danger of ruining Dracula's reputation.

LAUGHTER It's like... He's quite camp, isn't he?

I just...

He is, but so adorably so.

I genuinely enjoyed it. I hadn't been in a river in years.

I mean, you don't. LAUGHTER

Past a certain age, you don't, do you? No.

Unless you kind of have, like, a midlife crisis

and start wild swimming and stuff, but I've not reached that yet.

Yeah, wild swimming, or as it was once called, swimming.

LAUGHTER Yes.

Well done, Nick. Thank you.

OK, well, it's time for three more attempts.

Not you, Sophie. You're going to have to wait.

You know what you've done.

LAUGHTER

It's time for John, Joanne, and Steve.

There's a boat. Ah, there he is!

Hey, Gary. Wait there a sec.

I'm going to try with the small one first.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Ooh! AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Skimmed.

Gary! OK.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Brilliant. Keep going?

Well, if you want, but I've stopped the clock. You've stopped the clock? You did it.

The wind isn't great now.

Ah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

Alex, I'm running out of things.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE There we go.

You've done well. Thank you.

Can I have a couple of distance goes for fun?

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The pleased-with-yourself walk-off. Not really ironic, was it? You were genuinely thrilled.

I'm still pleased with myself. LAUGHTER

I would've been as well. Fair play. Enjoy it, Steve?

Yeah, I enjoyed it.

It was like being in the fairground again.

Boom. Joanne?

Loved it. My memory is that I got it the first time.

Second time for you. Second time, not bad.

All three of you, at the end of the day, it's not exciting,

but...you did quite well.

Now, that tells me...that there's a reason why Sophie's been left.

LAUGHTER

It's the last break of the episode.

Come back to see who's going to win three things

that sound a bit like "Greg Davies", a jug, and some eggs Benedict.

LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, again. Welcome back to the final part of the episode.

Yes. Hello to you all, including anyone watching from prison.

LAUGHTER

The current task sees our cast trying to throw a hoop over Gary,

the non-endangered gorilla.

So far, four people have tried and four people have succeeded.

Now...

..it's Sophie's turn.

I think what I'm going to do is

I'm going to wait for Gary to get over here.

Right, OK.

He's taking his time. Come on, Gary. Step it up.

LAUGHTER

Right, let's get going, then. Hang on.

Come on!

LAUGHTER

No.

Right, this is my chance, really, in't it?

Oh...

If I don't get him now, I never will.

Shit.

Come on, Gary.

No!

Come on, Gary.

Oh, shit. LAUGHTER

Come on.

Nearly! AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Shit.

It's not gone well.

Well, you've got about ten seconds.

Well, how...? I've not... I don't want...

Ah!

I can't get a limb wet.

I'll just get one limb...

Just one. Ah! Oh, my...! LAUGHTER

Ah! Gary!

Ah!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

LAUGHTER Oh, oh! Ah! Oh, oh!

Ah! Ah!

I'm going down!

Oh, my God, Alex!

Are you all right? Get me out!

I'll get you out in a bit. Fuck! I nearly drowned.

Yeah, no, that's very dangerous. Yeah.

I think I got carried away.

Yeah. Almost drowned.

Are you out?

It's very...

It's like quicksand in the middle. LAUGHTER

Oh, my God.

Yeah. Have to check on your limbs.

I think this... this arm's quite...

No, that's wet as well. LAUGHTER

Is that Gary?

No, that's the scarecrow wearing some waders to keep you dry.

Oh, yeah.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Long walk back as well.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Just fascinating.

Alex didn't help.

Did you notice when I was grappling with my life...

LAUGHTER Yeah.

He doesn't.

There's this myth going around that he's a nice guy. Yeah.

I saw it. Yeah. He's an arsehole. Yeah. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

This is where I got intrigued.

You seemed to attempt to hop across a river.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I don't think I'd do well in an apocalypse.

LAUGHTER

You know, under pressure. It's a lot, isn't it?

It is, yeah. LAUGHTER

Do you know what you shouted? What?

"I'm going down."

LAUGHTER

And actually, she did look... I was! ..genuinely panicked... Yes.

..at one point. Yes. No, I would... I would like to apologise... I was.

..for not doing anything at all to help.

LAUGHTER I am sorry. I do regret that.

Well, absolutely awful.

So, shall we give some points out?

Well, Sophie, first of all, didn't actually complete the task,

and then got all four limbs wet,

so I don't know what you want to do with that.

Well, I want to give her no points. Right.

LAUGHTER

But you're the people's champion.

Yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Uh, Nick took two minutes 45.

Two limbs got wet, so that doubles twice to 11 minutes.

John, two minutes five seconds.

Steve, one minute 28 seconds.

And a new European record, Joanne 48 seconds and five points!

Wow! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's have a look at the scores. Yes, unfortunately, Sophie,

you do still have quite a low number - six.

At the other end, Joanne, 13, Steve, 14, and John has 15 points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good. OK, everyone.

For the first time this series,

will you please make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, Alex. Oh, hi, Greg. Who's going to read the task out for us?

Oh, I think Nick Mohammed's going to read it.

Here we go. "Bring your sausage to life.

"You have 30 seconds.

"You may not write any words on your drawing.

"Best sausage wins."

Yes, so, there's going to be four rounds of this,

and you're bringing your sausage to life in different ways.

This is their sausage, Greg.

Oh, what a lovely sausage.

So, every round, you add to the one picture?

Yes, I'll give you a new characteristic

for that sausage. Oh!

The worst sausage each time will be eliminated.

Oh, God.

So, Greg will now give you the first category.

After Alex's whistle, make your sausage human.

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE

The least human sausage will be eliminated.

And they're off, Greg.

I will be eliminating someone.

Sophie hasn't started. Make it... I've finished.

Oh, apologies.

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE

Pens down!

Round one is over, Greg. Would you like to see Joanne's sausage?

I would, thank you.

Oh!

Oh, great. LAUGHTER

I just immediately drew reproductive organs

of both sexes, so...

Oh, I see.

That's just eyes - obviously, very human.

Teeth, very human. Reproductive organs there.

That's the fallopian tubes.

The vulva.

And then the penis and testes.

You don't get more human than that.

Exactly! That's what I was thinking. Nice. That is a strong opener.

John, please show Greg your sausage.

LAUGHTER

I like it, John.

I wanted to give human characteristics

without putting all of my eggs into one human basket.

Lovely. I like John's smile. OK.

Not necessarily any more than I like Joanne's penis.

LAUGHTER

OK, it's Nick Mohammed next.

It's similar to John's, in a way.

Ah. That took 30 seconds, Greg.

LAUGHTER

Yeah. You're sticking with the Dracula thing, yeah?

I just suddenly thought that doesn't make it human, though, does it? No.

LAUGHTER

Let's have a look at Sophie's drawing.

I think I've shown humanity in a sausage.

And we've gone portrait as well.

Oh.

Existentialism.

LAUGHTER

He's going through a crisis, all right.

He's asking questions.

He is. "Who am I?" It's lovely. Thank you. Do you want to see my sausage?

Oh, I... I really do, and I'm hoping it's shit.

Oh, no, it's not. Oh, hang on.

Pop it up the other way.

We've been here before, haven't we, Steve?

LAUGHTER

Sausage party girl.

She's quite fey, isn't she?

Yeah, she's off to a festival.

You know, she's hoping to hear some bangers and, um...

Yeah. AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS

Come on, Greg!

This guy's going to push me to the edge over the series. LAUGHTER

So, you're going to have eliminate one of these,

and this person will get one point, so who is that Greg?

I'm going to have to get rid of Dracula. Sorry. Aw. One point to Nick Mohammed. That's all right.

APPLAUSE

Please collect in your sausages. Round two, Greg.

Make your sausage scary.

Least scary sausage is eliminated.

Adapt that sausage. ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE Pens down!

Would you like to see some scary sausages, Greg?

Yes, I would. Joanne.

Here's my sausage. Oh!

Wow.

Thank you.

That is...

And I got rid of the womb, cos men are scarier.

Satan's going to be a man... Yeah. ..right, girls? Right.

Am I right? LAUGHTER

Do you want to see John's sausage now?

Yes, I do.

Well, it's still a mouth, but the lipstick...

Ah. ..has become blood!

It's blood! LAUGHTER

Sophie.

LAUGHTER

It looks to me like your sausage is just holding up a big oven chip.

LAUGHTER

It's a knife.

Oh, it's a knife. Ah.

If I'd have got the blood in,

an angry sausage on a... on the rampage.

Steve? Um, so...

Oh, nice.

..she's gone psycho.

It's Texas Chainsaw Sausage.

And she's holding the head of a human.

Four scary sausages, Greg. Which one were you least scared of?

I think we all know which one I was least scared of. LAUGHTER

I'm afraid Sophie is eliminated.

Two points to Sophie Willan.

APPLAUSE Unlucky, Sophie.

OK, what's round three, Greg?

Round three is make your sausage sporty. Adapt that sausage.

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE Stop adapting your sausages.

Would you like to see Joanne's sporty sausage?

You know I would. LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Tennis racquet. Oh, is that what it is?

Yeah. Egg and spoon. LAUGHTER

Footballs. Yeah.

And that's speed.

LAUGHTER

What I'm seeing is a big sausage on wheels

farting its way towards a lollypop.

LAUGHTER He's moving, though.

Would you like to see John's sporty sausage?

Yes, please.

Picture the scene. LAUGHTER

A velodrome. OK.

Team GB are going for the, uh, cycling gold.

Uh, they're on their bicycles... Yeah.

..which are at the bottom, and they're cycling so fast, Greg,

they've given themselves terrible gum disease.

LAUGHTER

One sausage left, Greg.

This is, um... Hockey. ..a hockey game.

Yeah.

We've got the hockey stick with the fingers holding it,

and this person's tackling.

Yeah.

And this is the ball... Yeah.

..and, uh, the sausage character... is about to score...

Lovely. ..a goal. I could see it was hockey straight away.

Least sporty sausage, Greg.

I just don't believe that Team GB suffer

from cracked and bleeding mouths...

LAUGHTER

..so I'm going to eliminate John.

Third place and three points to John Robins.

APPLAUSE

Woo!

What is the final category, Greg? Make your sausage sexy.

Adapt those sausages. ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE

And they're off.Oh, Christ. LAUGHTER

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE

Stop making your sausages sexy, please.

Would you like to see Joanne's sexy sausage first?

Let's see that sexed-up sausage. LAUGHTER

This is a stripper pole...

Oh.

..that it's spinning around on. Yes, the sexiest of all things.

These are, uh, some breasts.

Yes.

Quite... Quite a few breasts.

Yeah, well, it's a sausage. He's not short of space.

These are kind of, you know,

the kinky boots that sexy women wear. Uh-huh.

This is some sort of thong.

Yeah. A bit of lingerie.

That's it - a thong on a sausage.

LAUGHTER

Now you've got Poppa's attention. LAUGHTER

And then this is a gimp mask on the head. OK.

LAUGHTER

Thank you, Joanne. APPLAUSE

Steve, the heat is on.

We've gone a little bit S&M.

We've got a nice harness on. Yeah.

We've added some lipstick for sexiness. Mm. So sexy.

So, that is a sexy mouth. Yeah.

There's the whip there.

Yeah. Can you see the sexy braids? Absolutely.

If I want to get sexy, you'd better get them braids in.

LAUGHTER

I can't mark these on sexiness,

so I think what I've got to do is to give the most points

to the sheer amount of sexual reference.

There's more sexual references in Joanne's weird drawing

than there is in Steve's weird drawing,

so let's go four and five.

There we go. The winner is Joanne McNally - five points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, why don't you all come down here

and we'll see what that's done to the final scores?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, hi, everyone. Wow.

Oh, so many sausages. Those sausages rocked. Yeah.

Greg, we have a three-way tie. Look at the scoreboard.

Whoa!

Yes, Joanne, John, and Steve are in the lead.

APPLAUSE

Well, what are we going to do?

We do a chess piece in a chest of peas tie-break, Greg.

Obviously.

Let's see how they all got on.

"Which chess piece is not in the peas chest?"

"Fastest correct answer wins."

"Your time starts now."

I don't know anything about chess, so I'm just going to guess.

Sorry, dear. So sorry, dear.

No-one else is going to know this either,

except for Steve Pemberton.

Six, seven. My answer is a white pawn.

So, there's a pawn missing, then.

I bet it's one that's somewhere in the...

Oh, it's this one. Stop.

Ah, yes!

APPLAUSE

Well, I think we have a winner, don't we?

We do. I can tell you Joanne was four minutes 28,

John, one minute 26,

Steve Pemberton, 13 seconds, and the episode.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Steve Pemberton wins!

Please go and fumble with the things that you can mumble.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Subtitles by Red Bee Media