Original subtitles

d You can do what you wanna do d

d In living colord

- d In living colord - d You know what I'm sayin'd

d You can do what you wanna do d

- d In living colord - d In living colord

d You can walk on the moon Float like a balloon d

d You see, it's never too late and it's never too soon d

- d Take it from me, it's a'ight to be d - d In living colord

d And how would you feel knowing prejudice was obsolete d

d And all mankind danced to the exact beat d

- d And at night it was safe to walk down the street d - d In living colord

d You can do what you wanna do d

d In living color d

d In living colord

d You can do what you wanna do d

- d In living colord - d In living colord

d Everybody here is equally kind d

d Everybody here is equally kind d

d Everybody, everybody everybody, everybody d

- d Everybody here is equally kind d - d In living colord

d What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine d

d In living c-c-c-olord

d You can do what you wanna do d

d In living colord

- d In living colord - d You know what I'm sayin'd

d You can walk on the moon Float like a balloon d

d You see, it's never too late and it's never too soon d

- d Take it from me, it's a'ight to be d - d In living colord

d You can do what you wanna do in living colordd

Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.

[Audience Cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Welcome to the show.

We got a great...

We got, uh... We got a great show tonight.

Some great comedy, some music. Um...

And as always, we got... the Fly Girls. Uh...

You know, I'm a guy who really believes in hiring his family.

You know I have my brothers and sisters on this show.

But, um, no matter how much you love your grandparents...

never hire 'em as a boom operator.

- Are you okay, Keenen? - I'm just fine, Grandma.

Just fine. We'll just let this be the last week, okay?

[Scoffs] Up yours. I'm in the union now.

SW1, kick it!

d You can do what you wanna do d

- d In living colord - d In living colord

d You can walk on the moon Float like a balloon d

d You see, it's never too late and it's never too soon d

- d Take it from me, it's a'ight to be d - d In living colordd

[Footsteps Approaching]

Oh, girl, you almost gave me a heart attack...

sneaking up on me like that.

I ain't never seen you here before.

Oh, hi, girl. My name is Benita Butrell, mm-hmm.

Been here in these Hopkins projects over 18 years.

You know, we've been having a rash of robberies going on around here...

so us concerned tenants decided to organize this here tenant patrol.

Oh, look! There goes Easterly.

She the one that suggested I be the block captain.

She like a sister to me.

Easterly! Hey, Easterly!

It's me... Beebee! [Laughs]

Girl, I see why your mama call you Easterly.

With that perfume you're wearing, smell like a basket of fresh Easter flowers.

A basket of rotten Easter eggs is more like it, mm-hmm.

Girl think all she got to do is throw some perfume on top of stank and everything's okay.

Smells so funky, you can smell her over the telephone.

But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard it from me.

No, you haven't. Mm-mm.

No, you haven't.

Oh, lookee there! There go little Russell Thomas.

I used to babysit him when he was just a little, itty-bitty baby.

Russell! Russell!

Boy, your mama must be so proud of you.

Give her my love. Hmm!

If Miss Benita was just 15 years younger and had all my strength...

Lord knows what I'd do.

[Chuckling]

I'd beat the crap out of that little hustler. That's what I'd do.

I notice you shook his hand. You better count your fingers and make sure they still there.

That little addict's so desperate for a fix...

he'd steal the crack from your behind.

But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.

No, you haven't, mm-mm.

Yeah, honey, the whole neighborhood running scared.

Woman over in Building 27 had a gold watch stolen last week.

That's why you got to wear your valuables on you, girl.

You see this here?

That's a real diamond there.

Yeah, you know I got royalty in my blood.

This diamond was passed down from generation to generation.

Used to be the size of an ice cube, mm-hmm.

Friends would call me Zsa Zsa Butrell.

Then one day I was heating up some neck bones...

my diamond caught on fire, and this was all I could save.

But that's all right, honey, 'cause unlike these other project bunnies...

I'm gonna have me something.

That's right, 'cause I'm enrolled in the Parker School of Rodent Extermination...

and the Helicopter Pilots Academy.

So Miss Benita's gonna have. Mm-hmm.

Oh, lookee there. There go Peabody Scott.

Yeah, Peabody Scott from Building 92.

See he got the whole brood with him tonight.

Peabody! P-P-Peabody!

[Laughs]

Boy, somebody ought to give you the Father of the Year Award.

Mm-hmm. We need more men like you in these projects.

Always got them kids out with you.

That little one over there got your personality.

His personality and the maintenance man's eyes.

Damn fool. Ain't one of them kids his.

That last one came out looking so much like the mailman...

people were sticking letters in his diapers.

But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.

No, you haven't. So who are you here to see?

Mrs. Jenkins? Oh, Lord!

How come you didn't tell me you were here to see Mrs. Jenkins?

She like a mother to me.

I love me some Mrs. Jenkins, honey.

Don't nobody better say nothing bad about Mrs. Jenkins...

'cause that's when Benita lose it.

That's when Benita goes off.

That's a fine woman. Fine woman.

Mm-hmm. Just don't let her take her wig off.

Head so bald, you can see her thoughts.

But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me!

- [Siren Wailing] - No, you haven't.

Miss Benita, Miss Benita. Excuse me.

Miss Benita, cops are all outside your building.

Someone broke in your apartment.

I knew that old beady-eyed Russell Thomas was up to no good!

Girl, I gots to go. The china the queen gave me is in there.

Ooh, let me get my chair.

- All right, people! - dd [Horn Beeps]

All right, people, freeze!

Everybody, listen up! Al Macafee's on the scene.

Now, that means no fondling, holding, hugging, caressing...

cuddling, embracing, dancing too close.

We're gonna have a clean prom this year, people.

Consider yourselves warned. Carry on.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Ruthy. - Hi, Al.

Ruthy, I think it's time you heard Mr. Macafee's speech on love.

If you were food, you'd be my muffin...

and if you were a turkey, I'd give you my stuffin'.

You're making me queasy, Al.

- Here you go, Ruth. - Oh, hey, baby.

Excuse me, son. I don't know what home room you're in...

but I'm sure you know the rules about fraternizing with the teachers.

Al, I'd like for you to meet my fiance, John Tyler.

- Heard a lot about you, Al. - Fiance?

Ruthy, you're makin' the biggest mistake of your life!

Give me your love, honey!

- Al! - Hey, that'll be enough, pal.

All right, you little stud, come on!

Shoot your best shot, mister! Five years of tae kwon do, baby! Come on!

- Let's get out of here. - [Grunts]

Yeah, you can run, but you can't hide, you little runt!

Hey, hey, hey! What the Sam Hill's goin' on here?

- I'm getting a glass of punch. - Yeah, right, right, right.

Let me tell you something. I think it's time you heard Mr. Macafee's speech on booze.

Don't spike the punch bowl 'cause it makes you punchy!

- Let me go! - Back talk, huh, little missy?

- All right, you're out of here! - But it's my prom.

Yeah, tell it to an A.A. Meeting, you little lush! Get out!

Boy, that's good punch.

What are you looking at?

Hey, hey, hey! Hardison? Where's the fire, son?

Mr. Macafee, I got a stain on my father's tux.

And quite a nice little outfit it is, my boy.

It's my father's tux, and his father wore it to his prom too.

It's very expensive. If anything happened to it, I'd be in so much trouble!

Well, just cool your jets, little mister.

- Looks like you just got a little thread loose. - There's nothing on it...

- Mr. Macafee, what have you done? - You just broke the dress code!

- Get out of here! Take it to the parking lot! - That's not fair!

Life's not fair. Go ahead.

Hey, Macafee. You're looking pretty sharp there, big guy.

- Thanks a lot, bucko. - Hey, Ma-ca-fee!

- It's Macafee, son. - You are doin' a good job.

Hey, gimme some skin. Take a hike.

No gang signals on the dance floor. Go ahead, get out of here.

All right, all right. The show's over. Come on.

Somebody do something! Marcy's choking!

- I know the Heimlich maneuver! - Hey, hey, hey.!

- [Horn Beeps] - All right, break it up, you two!

Come on, come on, let her go, let her go!

You know, I think it's time you two heard Macafee's speech on teenage sex.

You two, you're only 16. You're both still young'uns.

Way too soon to start your tonguin'.

- But she can't breathe! - Just let her rest a little bit.

Ah, that's it, honey. That's it. Just take a little rest.

Once those loins cool down, you'll be all right.

Hey, Mr. Macafee, somebody's smoking in the bathroom!

Out of my way, the Mac-man's coming.

All right, boys, come on. What's going on in here?

- Hey. - Okay, everybody! The coast is clear!

Let's party!

[Banging]

Before we vote on your request for parole...

we do have some questions.

Do you think you'll be able to adjust to life on the outside?

Allow me to "proctologize" myself.

"Suppositorily" speaking...

my incarceration has forced, you understand...

the ventilation of, shall I say, my derriere...

and upon my discharge, I will evacuate...

Excuse me. "Ejacutate"...

my mind to the prophylactic of the bowels of society.

But how would you support yourself, Mr. Bates...

considering that your reading comprehension...

has gone down every year since you've been in prison?

[Snickers] A very "vaginative" proposition, my man.

That is to say, prostitution...

pertaining to the Kotex, you understand, of the argument.

I myself have "enemapatized" my "illiquidation,"

therefore, ergo, i.e., that is the instigation...

which is excessive cleavage, shall we say.

So let me "clarifly" or...

excuse me..."clitify."

In other words, I'd probably teach.

All right, if there are no further questions, let us put this to a vote.

All those in favor of parole, vote aye.

Aye.

All those opposed, vote nay.

[All] Nay!

I'm sorry, Mr. Bates.

Is there anything further you'd like to say?

Let me be venereal...

in my requisition for this body of congregation...

see, for the personal gratification of my urethra.

As the Greek philosopher, uh, Massengill once dictated...

"Lickus my probiscis!"

"Undouche" me!

I can find my own damnation in tardy completion.

dd [Hip-hop]

[Announcer] Just like the films Cry Freedom and A World Apart...

this is a story about the anguish and upheaval ofblack South Africa.

[Woman Narrating] I can remember it as if it happened yesterday...

the day they bulldozed down my maidservant's shack...

destroyed all ofher property...

and separated her from her children.

And all of this on a night that I had planned a formal dinner for 30.

Oh, how I cried.

How many girls would I have to interview before I'd find anotherJacinta?

[Banging On Door]

And as they took Jacinta away kicking and struggling...

I felt as if the police were pulling me away kicking and struggling.

- I haven't done anything. - I had to do something.

So I cried, and I took a picture for my little scrapbook of anguish.

Wait! Wait!

After the police had gone...

I noticed that they had trampled over a bed of geraniums...

that I had been pruning since I was a child.

I looked down at those flowers...

and I saw the pain ofblack South Africa...

in all of those broken stems and wounded petals.

I wept... until I realized they were perennials...

and would be back again next summer.

Yes, with Jacinta gone, lifejust wasn't the same in Johannesburg.

Oh, did I mention that I wept?

And as the condition of my house so deteriorated withoutJacinta...

I began to understand what it must be like...

to live in a black South African relocation camp.

Next, as I attempted to polish my own silver...

my arms began to ache, and I could feel what it must be like...

to toil long, arduous hours...

in the white South African diamond mines.

It was at this point that I decided thatJacinta simply had to be liberated...

before my entire household rotted from within...

the same way minority rule was rotting my continent.

No one could stop me now.

I would write a letter to President de Klerk.

So I wrote and I cried.

And I cried and I wrote.

And I wrote and I cried.

Who knows? One day I may even mail it.

[Announcer] My Dark Conscience.

A true story about the pain of watching somebody else suffer...

and wanting to do something about it...

but not really wanting to get involved...

and then feeling a little guilty about it, sort of.

My Dark Conscience.

A film that could well be coming to a theater near you.

[Announcer] Three famous boxers for Fruit O' The Loom boxers.

[All] Hi, Bob.

Hey, what are you guys doing in my underwear drawer?

Who are you guys?

We're the Fruit O' The Loom boxers, and we're ecstatic to be here. I'm Mike.

I'm Sugar Ray.

And my name is, uh...

Concentrate.

No, no, it's shorter than that.

Ali! My name is Ali!

I'm an apple because I was so polished in the ring.

And I'm a banana because I was good to a ripe old age.

Why are you a bunch of grapes?

Because some bitch stomped all over me.

What's so good about Fruit O' The Loom boxer shorts?

For one thing, they're made of double-stitched cotton.

That way you never have to worry about bobbing and weaving.

- Bobbing and weaving? - [Laughing]

Cut it out, Ali. Stop being ludicrous.

You're gonna make me forget my lines.

What are these boxers made of?

Well, these are the new Don King brand.

They're 10 percent cotton, 90 percent commission.

And they come in several sizes:

Middleweight, heavyweight, super heavyweight...

and George Foreman.

This is the latest thing: Disposable shorts.

We like to call this our Buster Douglas line.

They're good only once, but if you wear them again...

they fall down after 10 seconds.

Okay. I'll try these boxer shorts.

Bye, Bob!

Hey, guys...

will the ladies like me better in my Fruit O' The Loom?

The ladies will think you're sweet as sugar.

The girls will think you're the greatest of all times.

Oh, sure, they'll love you, Bob.

They'll love you till you get a ring on their finger.

And then, then...

Then they'll bring their mothers around and try to take all your money from you.

And they get madjust because you throw a few chairs and break some dishes.

Hey, wait a minute! I'm not finished, Bob!

Then they'll divorce you, and then you'll have the worst fight of your life.

You know, I won that fight. I hit him with an uppercut...

[Announcer] Fruit O' The Loom boxers.

Get some today and stop being ludicrous.

All right. Thank you for hanging out with us.

- Tell 'em what to do, man. - See you next week!

See you next week.

d You can do what you wanna do dd