Original subtitles

d You can do what you wanna do d

d In living colord

- d In living colord - d You know what I'm sayin'd

d You can do what you wanna do d

- d In living colord - d In living colord

d You can walk on the moon Float like a balloon d

d You see, it's never too late and it's never too soon d

- d Take it from me It's a'ight to be d - d In living colord

d And how would you feel knowing prejudice was obsolete d

d And all mankind danced to the exact beat d

- d And at night it was safe to walk down the street d - d In living colord

d You can do what you wanna do d

d In living colord

d In living colord

d You can do what you wanna do d

- d In living colord - d In living colord

d Everybody here is equally kind d

d Everybody here is equally kind d

d Everybody, everybody everybody, everybody d

- d Everybody here is equally kind d - d In living colord

d What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine d

d In living c-c-c-olord

d You can do what you wanna do in living colord

- d In living colord - d You know what I'm sayin'd

d You can walk on the moon Float like a balloon d

d You see, it's never too late and it's never too soon d

- d Take it from me, it's a'ight to be d - d In living colord

d You can do what you wanna do in living colordd

[Audience Applauding, Cheering]

[In Unison] Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Welcome to another show. You know, some people have criticized me...

for not having any "Fly Guys" on the show.

Some people have gone as far as to say...

I might be a little, uh, threatened by the idea.

Come on. That's not true at all. Tonight I'm gonna prove it.

We're gonna have a very special "Fly Guy" performing with the Fly Girls tonight.

He's a great dancer... young, good looking.

So after tonight, I don't wanna hear a word.

So let's give it up. Joining the Fly Girls, my man, CarlJamel Taylor.

[Audience Applauding, Whooping]

d You can do what you wanna do d

- d In living colord - d In living colord

d You can walk on the moon Float like a balloon d

d You see, it's never too late and it's never too soon d

- d Take it from me, it's a'ight to be d - d In living colordd

Lassie! Oh, Lassie!

[Dog Barking, Growling]

[Barking, Growling]

But Mr. Tompkins, you simply have to fix some of the things around the apartment.

I feel it's not safe for my son Timmy.

[Mr. Tompkins] I'll teach you to go on a rent strike. I'm not fixing anything.

If you aren't out of there by sundown, I'm gonna send someone over there to help you...

and your little dog too.

- Uh-oh. - [Shrieks]

Oh, darn. Now we're trapped and have no way to call for help.

Yes, we do. Lassie! Oh, Lassie!

[Panting] Now, Lassie, I want you to run and get help.

Go, girl! Go!

Meanwhile, Timmy, let's comfort ourselves with a song.

- dd [Singing Campfire Song] - dd [TimmyJoins In]

Oh, a crowbar.! That will help.!

- Good girl, Lassie. - [Grunts]

Now, Lassie, this time I want you to get a variable-speed Makita band saw...

with a carbide-tipped blade and sawdust bag.

Hurry!

- dd [Singing Resumes] - [Lassie Barking, Growling]

[Barking, Growling Continue]

Good girl.

And did you bring the special A.C. Adapter?

Good girl, Lassie.

[Saw Whirring]

[Barking, Growling]

I think Lassie's trying to tell us something.

- What is it, girl? Do you sense danger? - [Continues Barking]

She's barking in Morse code. Only, we don't know Morse code.

[Both Sighing]

- [Timmy] What are you tryin'to tell us, girl? - Something to do with "arm"?

Uh, your arm's too short to box with God?

Armani? Giorgio Armani?

Armistice! Lassie's trying to warn us that the arms reduction treaty...

proposed at SALT II would be disadvantageous to NATO.

- [Knocking] - [Man's Gruff Voice] Hey, we know you're in there.!

- Open the door.! Tompkins sent us to collect the rent.! - [Lassie Growls]

Sure enough, there are those evil henchmen now.

- Good girl, Lassie. - [Knocking Continues]

[Man] If you don't open this door, we'll tear it down.

- Oh! - Timmy, what are we gonna do?

[Low, Gruff Voice] If you lay a finger on this door, I'll chew off your arm...

and shove it down your throat.

- [Man] Uh, come on, guys. Let's get out ofhere. - [Footsteps Departing]

Heavens to Betsy, Lassie! You can talk!

I want you to forget you ever heard that.

Aw, Lassie...

you're the best darn dog in the whole world!

[Barking, Growling]

- [Spectators Chanting] Rocky! - Rocky, I know this is your big comeback...

and I know I came back from the dead to train you, but this fight is pure insanity!

No way, brother. You just wanna humil... humil...

Easy, Rocky. Not too many syllables.

I got light-headed there. Listen, I still got the eye of the tiger. You know that.

Look, Rocky, you got the eye of a tiger and the I.Q. Of a lima bean.

You're not gonna be fighting a man tonight. You'll be fightin' an animal.

Animals don't scare me.

- Yeah? Well, this one will. - [Growling]

- [Spectators Chanting] Rocky! Rocky! Rocky! Rocky! - [Bell Ringing]

All right, fans. Here we go. In the red corner...

- the challenger: Rocky Balboa! - [Spectators Cheering]

And in the blue corner, the undisputed champion of the world.

Let's give it up for GraceJones!

[Spectators Cheering Wildly]

- [Bell Rings] - [Announcer] Rocky Vl: The Ultimate Challenge.

[Wild Cheering Continues]

- Hello, Rocky. Do you find me sexy? - [Grunts]

I said, do you find me sexy?

[Growls]

To tell you the truth, Grace, you're startin' to scare me a little.

[Growls, Grunts] Harder! Faster! Harder! Faster!

Harder! Faster! [Shrieking Laughter]

Enough of the foreplay, Rocky. Is it gonna be your place or mine?

Aw, come on, Grace. I got a wife and kid.

Then I guess it's gonna be mine, Rocky.

- [Spectators Booing] - dd [Grace Singing]

- Adrian! - dd [Continues Singing]

- Adrian! - [Spectators Chanting] Rocky.! Rocky.! Rocky.! Rocky.!

Rocky.! Rocky.! Rocky.! Rocky.! Rocky.! Rocky.!

dd [Dance]

[Man] For those sensitive times of the month when emotions run close to the surface...

Honey, look what I got.

- Ohh. - Just because I love you.

[Gasps] There's only nine. Where are the other three, cheapskate?

God, you always take the easy way out!

And another thing: I hate the way you chew your food with your mouth all over it...

like some sort of bizarre barnyard animal!

Just stay away from me!

I can't seem to do anything right. Boy, could I use some help.

[Man] For those special times of the month...

you need the P.M.S. Defense System.

Highly trained female counselors will talk you through even the most irrational P.M.S. Argument.

For only $300 a year, you'll receive this transmitter that fits snugly in your ear...

and keeps you in touch with P.M.S. Central 24 hours a day.

Help. My wife has P.M.S., and I don't know what to do.

Don't worry. I'm right here with you.

God. You're so insensitive.!

- Why can't you be taller? - Hey, give me a...

[Woman On Transmitter] Stop. Stop right there. Simply apologize.

[Sobbing]

I'm sorry, honey. You're right.

I'll try to grow tomorrow.

Tell her you love her.

I love you.

- [Exhaling Softly] - See. It's that... It's that breathing thing.

In and out and in and out! God! You drive me crazy! [Screeching, Muttering]

- [Alarm Blaring] - [Woman] She's already at Irrational Level Seven.

This is a Code Red. Don't say a word. Just get her some pain reliever.

Don't you see? This place is dust-ridden, and if I don't dust...

then you'rejust gonna suck all the air out of the room.!

- The bottle is empty! - Get out of the house! I repeat: Get out of the house!

I can't! I'm trapped in a bathroom!

- Is there a window? - Yeah, but it's five floors up.

- Go for it! - [Wife Continues Screaming, Sobbing]

The P.M.S. Defense System: Because no one should go through these times alone.

[Knocking]

Hey! Are you tryin' to avoid me or what?

dd [Disco]

- dd ['80s Pop] - [Announcer] And now...

Public Access Television Channel 53 presents: Men on Vacation.

- Hello. I'm Blayne Edwards. - And I'm Antoine Merrywether.

[In Unison] And welcome to Men on Vacation.

Today we'll be reviewing our little European vacation.

From a male point of view.

Here we are on our last stop on our whirlwind gallivant through Europa.

Wait a minute. We got a new sponsor.

Somebody better check their mail.

Tonight's broadcast is brought to you byJewels...

the gum that explodes in your mouth.

I bet you just can't chew one.

And who'd want to?

We started our little trip in Greece.

The Greek "peoples" was so nice.

Yes. They bent over backwards to show us a good time.

Oh, look. Excuse me.

Not you, fish. You go back in the sea.

Garcon.

Oh, may I have another Wallbanger?

- And for monsieur? - Oui, oui.

- Bottoms up. - Ditto.

Is that little Ricky Schroder? What's he doin' here? Don't let him see me.

- Who's that with him? - You know, I think that's Erik Estrada.

Oh, well. Anyway. Next we went to Holland, land of dikes.

[In Unison] Hated it!

And from there, it was on to merry old England.

- Remember Big Ben? - Oh, how could I forget it?

It was so nice of him to show us around the city.

Excuse me. Big Ben was a clock.

Well, we both know what time that was.

You'd better stop.

You know, it's so chilly out here, my nipples are hard.

Then it was just a hop, skip and jump on to gay Paris...

but we decided to go back to Greece instead.

And then it was on to Scotland.

You know, I found it to be quite an open society...

where "mens" are free to explore the feminine side of their nature.

All those hairy legs and skirts holdin' them bagpipes.

Mm-hmm. Not since the Fire Island Halloween Barn Dance...

have I seen so many men in drag.

Just a hint, fellas: Plaid is out this fall.

Our next stop was Sweden, best known for its beautiful, buxom blondes.

[In Unison] Hated it!

So we went back to Greece.

But it was very sad when we had to leave our soldier buddies behind...

and travel to our final destination: The French Riviera...

which is where we've been ever since.

Oh, yes. And to sum up our little European vacation, we're gonna have...

to give the whole trip a new and improved around-the-world-and-back snap.

Tell a friend.

Tune in next week, when we'll be back in the good old U.S. Of A...

reviewing the new release, Memphis Belle.

It's the story of 10 young "mens" in leather jackets...

all sweaty, standin' next to each other...

and them long, hard bombs crammed together in a little old cockpit.

Well, grease my landing gear, I'm coming in for a landing.

- Toodle-oo! - See you next week! Bye!

dd ['80s Pop]

[Audience Cheering, Applauding]

All right. Thank you very much for hanging out with us tonight.

Taking us home: Third Bass.

[Man Talking, Indistinct] Come on, man. Get out of my way, man. Let me see everybody, man.

- Oh, it's like that? - Yeah, it's like that. Keenen, this is from the group...

and our boys Shirt Kings in Jamaica.

- Congratulations. - Bust that.

Rippin' that up forJimmy gettin' the job done.

Too black, too strong for TV, you know what I'm sayin'?

We wanna set this off the right way. Hey, yo, Richie Rich!

[Indistinct] That's the way we gonna run this.

dd [Rapping]

dd [Continues]

Come on, y'all.! Come on, y'all.! Put those hands in the air.!

dd [Continues Rapping]

dd [Ends]