Original subtitles

dd [Rap]

Yo! You're too slow. Isaac, Tootie, get him out of here.

But you don't understand, I'm the Executive Producer of this show.

We got a thing goin' on here. I don't know...

He's cool, he's cool. Leave him.

All right, so anyway, the chicken crossed the road, right?

Anybody know why the chicken crossed the road?

To get to the other side.

[All Laughing]

[Loud Laughing]

Look, uh, Shawn, we got a show to do, okay? Can we...

Wait a minute.

He says you're needed on some show.

[Whispering, Indistinct]

Mr. 1 says "chill." He'll be up there when he's ready.

Oh, well, you tell Mr. 1...

that sooner or later he's gonna have to go home with me.

Now he's ready.

Bye, Shawn.

See you after the show.

d You can do what you wanna do d

d In living colord

- d In living colord - d You know what I'm sayin'd

d You can do what you wanna do d

- d In living colord - d In living colord

d You can walk on the moon Float like a balloon d

d You see, it's never too late and it's never too soon d

- d Take it from me it's a'ight to be d - d In living colord

d And how would you feel knowing prejudice was obsolete d

d And all mankind danced to the exact beat d

- d And at night it was safe to walk down the street d - d In living colord

d You can do what you wanna do d

d In living colord

d In living colord

d You can do what you wanna do d

- d In living colord - d In living colord

d Everybody here is equally kind d

d Everybody here is equally kind d

d Everybody, everybody everybody, everybody d

- d Everybody here is equally kind d - d In living colord

d What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine d

d In living c-c-c-olord

d You can do what you wanna do in living colord

- d In living colord - d You know what I'm sayin'd

d You can walk on the moon Float like a balloon d

d You see, it's never too late and it's never too soon d

- d Take it from me it's a'ight to be d - d In living colord

d You can do what you wanna do in living colordd

- [Audience Applauding, Cheering] - Ladies and gentlemen, SW1.

We're very close to signing Paula Abdul.

It would be quite a coup.

Oh, this is it, homey. This is the green room.

Is Madonna down here somewhere?

I'm Madonna's manager. She's on stage. Can I help you?

The man himself. Look here, homey.

I'm Clavell.

Now I know Madonna must have mentioned me because we go way back.

My cousin Boudreau delivered some flowers to her guesthouse one time last year.

Now look here. I heard Madonna's been in town for a week...

and she hasn't called me, you know?

- Well, Madonna's very busy. - Say what?

Well, we all know how that can be. I'm Howard Tipps III.

I manage a group called Satern. That's with an "E." S-A-T-E-R-N.

Now I used to manage a group called Stratus.

Had to fire 10 horns, but we got nine left.

But here's the kicker. We hired a brand-new bass player...

Polynesian cat from Detroit.

Funky as he wanna be.

Let me give you one of our cards. You know, I'm fresh out. Howard.

[Chuckling] Bam!

All right now. Check this out.

Don't pay any attention to the drapes and fixtures, all right?

My number's here on the back, all right? I'm stayin' with Moms.

Don't call after 11:00 p.m. Not that you couldn't...

but it's a respect type of thing, all right?

That's great. Uh, if you'll excuse me, I'm supposed to meet Tina Turner upstairs.

Is Lil T in town, 'cause she hasn't called me, you know?

Ike hasn't called either, but that's another story, another life.

- Stop it! [Chuckling] - Great. Uh, see you later.

When my hair gets straighter. [Laughing]

Hello, Sunshine.

You know, I didn't know angels could fly so low.

Clavey, give me a shot of insulin, 'cause I'm about to go into sugar shock.

Girl, you are the sweetest thing.

Howard Tipps III. That's spelled three-R-D.

And I'm Clavell, that's with a "C."

Let me give you one of my calling cards. You know, I'm fresh out. Howard.

[Laughing] Bam!

All right, now, check this out.

Pay no attention to that sign language stuff on the front, all right?

'Cause that's not what we're all about, okay?

But, look here, not that we ain't down with the deaf. Get it?

Now, this is B.D.'s beeper number, all right? You can call me anytime.

I don't think my husband would approve.

Bam! In reverse! [Laughing]

Not that we're cheap or anything like that.

But it's about that whole big recycling thing, you know?

Excuse me.

- Salmon! - Cakes.

Ahh!

Excuse me, are you in this agent business?

- Actually, I'm a film producer. - Right.

Ain't that a blip? 'Scuse me, but we are too.

You probably heard of us... Funky Finger Productions.

You know our callin' card, the scratch and sniff one.

- N-No, I haven't heard of you guys. - Well, look.

I'm on the creative end and Clavey handles the business.

He's got a lot of experience... Amway, Herbal Life and, dig this, Dick Gregory.

We gots to be down with the brothers, you know what I'm sayin'.

But here's the kicker. You remember them little sea monkeys?

I'm gonna bring 'em back, homey, only this time I'm puttin' little cowboy hats on 'em.

- What does that have to do with producing movies? - You don't get it, huh?

We take the profits from the sea monkeys and dump 'em into our movie.

Now, look here. Already shot the trailer.

[Both] Bam!

Calm yourself. This is on camcorder, but this sucker really cooks.

Now, look here. We call this Penitentiary Four.

But dig it, you put your ducats down, call it anything you want!

'Scuse me, baby. I'm sorry.

Oh, look here, this is a problem. The lens cap was on.

[Laughing] All right, you ready?

Clavey, let me finish up frying up this here baloney, all right?

How many times I've got to tell you I'm on a budget? Now go ahead on and start.

- Oh, right. - All right, go ahead. Kick it.

- Give it up, y'all. - Action. That's action, Clavey.

Oh, l-I'm sorry. Actionini.

Here we go. Now, I been in this penitentiary three times already...

so I guess that makes this Penitentiary Four.

- Now what's that booger on the side of yo cheek? - That's a scar.

And lookin'good too. Sorry. Now, tell me one more thing. What's this button here do?

Now that spells big bucks. What do you say?

Oh, you-you speechless? Well, let me give you the kicker.

Look here. What we tryin' to do is kinda combine Blacula meets Coffy.

Now you know what that spells... more ducats in the hip pocket!

- [Laughing] You know? - Excuse me, I gotta go.

- He's not down. - Well, his loss, our gain.

- Dig that. - Those are the guys.

Hey, y'all, party over here!

I told you Madonna would be down with us.

You, guys? Weren't you in Sister Sledge's green room yesterday?

- Oh, yes. - Oh, is the Sister in town, 'cause she hasn't called me!

Look here. You're probably here to move my Torino.

Now this key is for my crib in El Segundo.

It's in foreclosure, but that ain't nothin' but a business deal.

- Give him a card, homey. - Bam!

[Woman Narrating] At this season's international fashion show in Paris...

Iraqi fashion designer Macbar Al Fakar...

took top honors but also his life in his own hands...

when he revealed his radical new line updating traditional garments...

which had not been altered for thousands of years.

This year, Fakar has taken daring risks with hemlines...

sometimes revealing almost an entire ankle.

The beauty of Fakar's designs is that they can be worn anywhere.

Actually, Fakar explained they must be worn everywhere...

at all times, according to law.

Fakar also gave a tantalizing preview...

of what they'll be wearing on the Iraqi beaches this season.

That is, what they would be wearing if they were allowed on the beaches.

The designs of Macbar Al Fakar...

keeping Iraqi women one step ahead, but always three steps behind the men.

This is Elsa Klutch with another Style Minute for Fox News, Paris.

- You know, we do whatever we do to survive, brother. - Drop it.!

dd [Hip-hop]

dd [Man Singing]

dd [Piano]

Children, the first act was simply wonderful, wonderful.

Just be sure to speak clearly, okay? And Edna Louise?

Edna Louise, you come away from that fire alarm for the fifth time today!

- Mrs. Keegan, I cannot possibly play the sheep! - Why not?

- Because I have an ocasa calack adilelaaaa phobia. - Ooh! What's that?

It's a fear of wearing a stupid old, smelly sheep costume...

when you really should have been a princess.

Okay, well, if you're not feeling well, I guess we'll just have to call your mother then.

Oh, you know something. It's amazing! I'm cured!

[Laughing]

Parnell, there'll be no more spitting from you.

I'm not spitting! I happen to have a severe alignment problem...

that makes it difficult for me to contain my saliva.

Yeah! In other words, you've got Bucky Beaver bite! [Chittering]

I do not, Edna!

Edna Louise, you stop it!

- Okay, mean old witch. - What did you say?

I said, " Whatever you wish, Your Royal Highness."

Children, we have five more minutes, okay, so if you have to go, go now.

- Go where? - To the bathroom.

Made you look, made you stare, made you eat your underwear.

Oh, you shut up, Edna Louise.

Hey, you know what, Tammy? I'll gonna do you this big favor, see.

I'll let you be the beautiful sheep and I'll just be the dumb old princess.

- Go away evil, ugly Edna. I don't wanna be a stupid sheep. - Oh, yeah?

- Well, I know a secret about you. - No, you don't!

- Yes, I do! - No, you don't!

Yes, I do! Infinity! You're adopted!

I am not!

- Yes, you are! - No, I'm not.!

Yes, you are! I saw your picture on... America's Most Adopted.

And, um, and if you go out there, the whole audience will recognize you...

and, uh, see, if you're the sheep then they won't see you.

You shut up, Edna Louise! That's not true!

Hey, don't take it so hard.

- Ha ha ha, Edna. - You.

- I told you. - [Together] Nobody wants to...

You better stop... You're never gonna...

Parnell, how many times have I told you that's impolite.

She was the one.

And you, miss, you better learn how to behave yourself.

- Whatever you say, pruneface. - What did you say?

I said, " Oh, wow, I love the human race!"

Children! We have about five more minutes.

We're getting ready to start the show right now. Please come in.

dd [Piano]

Baa! Baa!

[Mouths Words]

I am the beautiful princess...

and... and I'm adopted!

Aha! You evil witch...

your plan has been foiled!

And I, the true princess of the kingdom...

must come here to claim my love...

Farmer Brown... played by Parnell.

Hey, uh, Parnell, you're on.

Way to go, Barfasaurus!

- Oh, my true love... - You're wreckin' the whole production.

Parnell, just say your lines.

I am a farmer...

and I have come to-to, uh...

- I've traveled very far. - I've traveled very far, 'cause...

Now I must kiss the beautiful princess, Edna Louise.

Now I must kiss the beautiful prin... Hey, I'm not supposed to say that.

- [Laughing] - Yuck!

What'd you do that for, Edna-Pedna-big-fat-Nedna?

'Cause I'm in love with you!

That's the grossest, most vomit-like thing that's ever happened. You are a vomitore.

Yuck! I kissed a sheep!

But, alas! I am not a sheep.

I am a princess in sheep's clothing. It's a miracle!

They all lived... They all lived happily ever after.

- The end! - Edna Louise!

Thank you.

Edna Louise, you come away from that fire alarm!

[Alarm Ringing]

- dd [Classical] - [Announcer] It's time for Buffed, Beautiful and Bitchin'...

the at-home workout with Vera de Milo.

[Husky Voice] Hi, I'm Vera de Milo. And thanks for tuning in.

You know, before I learned how to exercise properly...

I was a poor excuse for a woman.

Just look at those unsightly lumps of lard protruding from my sternum.

I was so weak and frail back then.

I couldn't even tear a telephone book in half.

But I made that change and you can too.

So, let's get busy burning off those bothersome bazooms.

Girls, are you ready?

[All] All righty.

- dd [Dance] - Let's start with a stretch... and down.

Okay, now you try.

See how those big breasts just weigh them down?

I'm tellin' ya, you can't float 'til you get rid of those sinkers.

And now the shoulders.

Come on, girls. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Uh-uh, that's right.

Now, this one. Just pull it and pull it.

Really pull it. Really... [Bones Cracking]

[Yelling]

Oh, wow!

That's gonna be sore in the morning, but it hurts so good.

And you know what they say... "No pain, no gain."

Now, before attempting any serious lifting...

I can't stress enough the importance of eating a healthy breakfast.

Of course, I prefer mine in concentrated form.

[Whinnying]

[Nickers]

Another advantage of my at-home workout...

is that there's no need for investing in costly weight sets.

With just a little imagination...

a few hefty household appliances will do just as well.

Deidre, the secret to a strong, flat championship chest...

is breast bombardment with maximum weight.

Are you ready?

- All righty! - [Screaming, Groaning]

That's the spirit! Show those mammaries no mercy!

Hey, kids, it's time for Vera's vanity table.

You know, some women spend a lot of money on lipsticks and glosses...

to make their lips look fuller.

I say you can get the same effect naturally...

with a nice, hot curling iron.

- Watch. - [Sizzling]

Of course, it helps to have a high pain threshold.

But believe me, when these babies start to blister, look out Michelle Pfeiffer!

Till next time... toodle-oo.

dd [Rap]

d Come listen to the story about the 'bros, Ice and Wiz d

d Two homeboys from the streets Who was always gettin'dissed d

d They said California is the place that's lookin'good d

d So they found an empty truck and they moved to Hollywood Hills that is d

d Tenderonies and the fresh def cars dd

[Audience Cheering, Applauding]

Yo! Yo! Yo!

- What's up? - What time it is?

- Yo! - Yo! Welcome to the Homeboys Shoppin' Network!

That's right. I'm Wiz, this is the Ice Man.

[Together] Chillin'!

That's right. Boy, we made the big move to the woods.

Hollywood, that is.

Word! Now you seen it on TV and thanks to us...

you too can enjoy the lifestyles of the rich and famous.

That's right! For only $19.95...

not only will you get maps to the stars' homes...

but blueprints and floor plans of their security systems.

And, as an added bonus...

we'll throw in this here key to the city.

Yo! With this two-way steel master key...

no doors will be closed to you... windows neither.

That's right. Show 'em the other stuff.

- What other stuff? - All that other stuff.

- All right. - Who says you gotta be in film to get an Oscar?

Not anymore.

That's right. Use any sharp object to engrave your name here...

- Bam! - Then put it on the shelf...

- Bip! - The hood of your car...

Or be the envy of your neighborhood by wearin' this as a funky fresh medallion.

There you go.

But wait, wait, wait. Hold it, hold it, hold it.

- You say "Homeboy." - What?

- I say "Homeboy." - What?

- I say "Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-Homeboy." - What?

- How can I have my picture taken with a star? - Say it.

No problem.

I'm talkin' about a real star.

No problem. We got him right here in the bag.

Help! Help! Somebody help me!

- You better hurry up. - 'Cause this one puttin' up a major fight.

- Stop! [Yelling] - [Thud]

Yo! Takin' pictures with the stars can be fun...

- but let me ask you this, Wiz. - Yes, Ice?

How can I share some of that there celebrity-type wealth?

I'm glad you asked.

- Simply get yourself a cut-out of your favorite star... - Uh-huh.

Put him in a compromising position...

then snap away.

I guess Bo knows cross-dressin' too.

Now you sell this here photo to the National Enquirer...

or just blackmail the celebrity himself.

Either way you slice it...

[Helicopter Overhead]

[Man On P.A.] You two, down there, freeze.! Stop what you're doing.!

Sounds like Beverly Hills Cops 2.

- Well, you know what that means. - It's showtime.

That's right. We'll see you next week.

- Same time, different star. - Peace!

We'll see you next week. Good night.

d You can do what you want to do dd