Original subtitles

A man wins an Emmy, he becomes preeminent.

He has his certain enthusiasms.

Enthusiasms.

Now, can anybody guess what my enthusiasms are?

What it is that brings me great joy?

Shirts with loud prints?

- [All Laughing] - Giving jobs to people named Wayans?

Baseball... The great American pastime.

Oh, yeah.

You see, much like producing an award-winning comedy-variety series...

- it's a team effort. - Yeah.

A man writes his sketch with setups...

punch lines, follow-ups.

The cast gets laughs, we all get laughs.

But what happens if a guy...

writes a self-indulgence sketch?

What do we get then, huh?

- Uh, nothin'. - Nothin'.

You see, sometimes a man steps up to a typewriter, thinking of themselves...

trying to hit a home run.

But the team gets nothin'.

[Murmuring]

Now that was merely a demonstration.

You see, even though we've won an Emmy...

I don't want anybody resting on their laurels.

- You got that? - [All] Yeah.

Good. Then let's get this show started with some enthusiasm.

d You can do what you wanna do d

d In living colord

- d In living colord - d You know what I'm sayin'd

d You can do what you wanna do d

- d In living colord - d In living colord

d You can walk on the moon Float like a balloon d

d You see, it's never too late and it's never too soon d

- d Take it from me, it's a'ight to be d - d In living colord

d And how would you feel knowing prejudice was obsolete d

d And all mankind danced to the exact beat d

- d And at night it was safe to walk down the street d - d In living colord

d You can do what you wanna do d

d In living colord

d In living colord

d You can do what you wanna do d

- d In living colord - d In living colord

d Everybody here is equally kind d

d Everybody here is equally kind d

d Everybody, everybody everybody, everybody d

- d Everybody here is equally kind d - d In living colord

d What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine d

d In living c-c-c-olord

d You can do what you wanna do d

d In living colord

- d In living colord - d You know what I'm sayin'd

d You can walk on the moon Float like a balloon d

d You see, it's never too late and it's never too soon d

- d Take it from me It's a'ight to be d - d In living colord

d You can do what you wanna do in living colordd

[Audience Applauding, Cheering]

dd [Soft Jazz]

What's wrong, Marge? You look worried.

Well, it's just that that's Dave's fifth helping of deviled eggs...

and they give him such, you know, gas.

Don't tell me you haven't heard about new Flatuscents.

- Flatuscents? - Yes.

They're the new aromatic suppositories from Pooco.

It takes the worry out of having gas.

[Announcer] Yes, Flatuscents.

The new easily inserted, time-released personal aroma disks.

Mm, lilac mist.

My favorite is fresh herbal. [Inhales] Mm.

Dave!

Relax.

I have Flatuscents.

Hey, do I smell fresh flowers?

[Announcer] Flatuscents turn a potentially embarrassing situation...

into a burst of potpourri.

Hold everything!

Flatuscents now come in the most exciting aroma yet... new car.

dd [Radio: Indistinct]

Dave, is this a new car?

Nope. Had a couple of chili dogs at the game.

- I don't get it. - Make sure you do.

Flatuscents. Don't get gas without them.

dd [Jazz]

[Woman] Mm, good morning and good night...

to all you insomniacs and early-risers.

It's 4:00 a.m., and you know what that means.

It's time for The Magenta Thompson Show.

She lit up the silver screen, and now she's going to light up your morning.

Please welcome Magenta Thompson.

- Ow! Will you turn that music off, please? - dd [Off]

- We're on. We're on. - What?

- I said we're on. - Don't point at me. That's so rude.

Hi. Welcome to The Magenta Thompson Show.

Uh, you know, I was gonna do this, uh...

monologue, this opening monologue for you...

but I can't really find it anywhere, so um...

You know, I guess I'll just show you a clip of my performance in Shaft.

That was really the, uh...

That was really the, uh, role that launched my film career.

Paul, do we still have that cued up from last night?

- Yeah, we sure do, Magenta. - Roll it.

Get outta my way, bitch!

Oh, yeah.

I was really something in those days.

You know, that blonde on Mod Squad never took a fall like that.

You know, but I guess if you want a prime-time TV show, all you gotta do...

is give a little something to Mr. Quincy "Ooh, I produce MichaelJackson albums"Jones.

You know, one... one white, one black and one incompetent little slut...

that's what the show's motto shoulda been.

- Go to the sponsor. - What?

- [Indistinct] - Yeah. Yes.

It's the Mr. Drippy Stop Smoking Kit.

It's the only system that uses carbonated spring water.

Welcome, Mr. Drippy, to the Magenta Thompson sponsor family.

Now, uh, let's bring on my first guest...

another untalented blonde who, uh, managed to land herself a prime-time TV show...

for what reason, we can't really be sure... Sarah Purcell.

[Scattered Applause]

- We got to... - You're spitting on me! What?

- [Whispering, Indistinct] - She won't?

- We got Pam Grier. - Oh. Who?

- Pam Grier. - Pam Grier.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, Pam Grier.

Well, uh, let's welcome Pam Grier, shall we?

- dd [Jazz] - [Scattered Applause]

Hi, Pam. Sit down. Uh...

You, uh, you want some coffee?

No.

I'm gonna have some.

So, uh, Pam, you, uh, you, uh...

starred in a number of films in the '70s, didn't you?

Uh, Coffy and Foxy Brown.

Uh, Big Doll House. Uh, Black Mama, White Mama.

I think that was the one where you kept your shirt on, wasn't it?

Well, anyway, I guess the, uh...

I guess the question that I have for you tonight is, uh, um...

Wh-Why wasn't I in any of these films?

- Excuse me? - Look. Just don't bother.

I guess I didn't sleep with the right people.

- I don't believe that l... - You know, when I starred in Superfly...

you know, I got that role through my acting talent alone.

- Th-There was no horizontal auditioning for this, babe. - You starred in Superfly?

That's right. Here, let me show you what I mean. Paul, do we still have that cued up?

- [Paul On P.A. Indistinct] - Yeah, roll it, hon.

Get outta my way, you bitch!

A little something that we used to call "star quality," Pam.

- That's real acting. - Yeah, yeah.

- Well, you know, if you wanna do that. - Yeah, well, thanks.

Pam, it's been, uh...

What? What, are we landing a plane?

You know, l-I played those games.

I jumped on the casting couch once or twice. You wanna know what it got me?

- I never did that. - It got me the greatest role of my career.

That's right... Mother, Jugs and Speed.

Roll it, Paul.

Somebody get this bitch outta my way!

Yes. Yes!

You know, I can't believe that ended up on the cutting room floor.

It really could have changed the whole course of my career.

- Yeah, I see that. - Well... All right.

All right!

I guess that does it for The Magenta Thompson Show tonight.

Thank you for joining us. Um, won't you, uh, tune in tomorrow night...

when our special guest is Ann B. Davis from The Brady Bunch.

- Thanks. - dd [Jazz]

Pam, that's the end of the show, all right? Let's go here.

Who... Who is she anyway? I've never heard of her.

[Announcer] You danced to their records, you sat through their concerts...

now the singing soul sensations Cephus and Reesie Mayweather are coming to your town...

in the new Broadway gospel musical written, directed and choreographed...

- dd [Vocalizing] - By the Mayweathers themselves.

d Get off the Lord's bus if you ain't got correct change d

d Don't sit on the devil's soul if you're too hot to ride the range d

dJust keep singing gospel if you don't start feeling strange d

d Then one day you'll find yourself home on the range d

d So gimme a home where the buffalo roam d

d Where the deer and the antelope play d

- d Hip-hip hoppin' on down dd - Now wait a minute!

- Now wait a minute! - What?

- That's a different song. - Sure is.

[Announcer] You'll think the next stop is the very gates ofheaven...

as Cephus sings "Can I Get a Transfer?"

d Get a transfer Can I get a transfer d

- dd [Indistinct] - d Can't go to school without a transfer d

d Can't go home without a transfer d

d Can't go to work without a transfer d

d Can't go to school without a transfer d

- d Transfer d - d Aah dd

[Announcer] Your heart will take the express to that great station in the sky...

when Cephus, Reesie and the entire ensemble sing "Don't Talk to the Driver."

- d Don't talk d - d Don't talk d

- d To the driver d - d Driver d

- d When the bus d - d When the bus d

- d Is in motion d - d Motion d

d Remain behind the white line d

d The white line d

- d Don't talk d - d Don't talk d

- d To the driver d - d Driver d

- d When the bus d - d When the bus d

- d Is in motion d - d Motion d

d Remain behind the white line d

[Indistinct Yelling]

- d I'm driving d - d I'm sorry, Mr. Driver. He won't listen to me d

- d Hey, driver. He won't listen to me d - d Beep, beep d

- d Hey, driver, excuse me. Excuse me d - d Get outta my way d

d He gonna crash the bus He gonna crash the bus d

d Here we go Here we go dd

[Announcer] Cephus and Reesie sing with such soul...

such heart, such conviction, you'll swear they know what they're saying.

Coming Saturday to the Coleville County Livestock Show Arena.

dd [SoftJazz]

dd [SoftJazz]

Oh, honey, I just love dancing cheek to cheek.

[Announcer] It's time for another episode from the annals of those zany crack-ups...

The Buttmans.

Gosh, hon, look at this table.

Boy, you must have really worked your head off.

Oh, I hope it's okay. I just can't believe it.

Our little girl is having her first date.

Yeah, I know what you mean. It seems like only yesterday you were in the delivery room...

and the doctor held her up and slapped her pretty face.

dd [Vocalizing]

Hey, turn that off.

[Singsongy] Brenda's got a boyfriend. Brenda's got a boyfriend.

Stop that! Now this is a very important night for your sister...

and I won't have you making an ass of yourself.

That's right. Is she ready? Richard will be here any minute.

- [Mother] Oh.! - Here I am, Mom.

She's so lovely, I could cry.

That's a lovely hair band.

Do you like it? I got the idea from watching a Cher video.

[Mother] I love it.

- That Richard's a lucky boy. - [Doorbell Rings]

Oh, there he is. I sure hope everybody likes him as much as I do.

I'm sure we will.

Mom, Dad, Jimmy, this is Richard Dickerson.

Hi, everybody.

Well, welcome, Richard.

Everybody calls me Dick.

I guess it's just easier to remember.

Boy, he sure does have a big...

Dick plays football.

Oh, shoot, I'm just second-string.

Well, sit down, Dick. Take a load off. Dinner will be ready in a second.

Thanks. I'm kind of bushed.

Well, you know, our son Jimmy here plays football too. Don't you?

Oh, oh, oh, yeah. I play tight end. What position do you play?

A little nose tackle. They put me in when they want better penetration.

Mostly, I just hang out though.

So, how did you two meet?

We met in biology class. When it comes to biology, Dick knows.

Of course, I can't write a term paper like Brenda.

But when we put our heads together...

There's something else that we'd like to do.

Pork?

Oh, no. Dick's allergic to pork.

Makes my nose run like crazy.

- Oh, no, don't. - Well, we wouldn't want that now, would we?

- Do we have anything else for Dick? - Butt steak.

My favorite. Put that between a couple of buns, and I'm a happy guy.

All right, well, dive in, Dick.

Buttmans, stuff your faces.

I really had a great time tonight, Brenda.

I hope I didn't come off as being stiff.

Don't be a weenie.

My parents may be watching.

- Eskimo kiss? - Okay.

Oh, wow, honey. I'm really sorry I seemed so distracted tonight.

I mean, I didn't even know my head from a hole in the ground.

I know what you mean. He's just so different.

Yeah. Who would have ever expected it?

Our daughter dating a white guy.

All right, all right. Thanks for coming in. Come visit us again, all right?

All right.

Later.

Yo, yo, fight the power.

[Chuckles]

- Hey, Joy! - What?

- Joy! - What?

- Joy! - What?

- Joy! - What?

- Come here. - What if I don't?

I won't put you in my next movie.

Look, Spike. How many times do I have to tell you?

It's notJoy, it's Joi.

Joy, we're back in Brooklyn, all right? All right?

In Brooklyn, it's Joy, notJoi, okay?

It's notJackay, all right? It's Jackie.

It's not Sade, all right? It's Sadie.

- All right? - All right.

What you gonna call me next? What you gonna call me, Spikay?

Get outta here. I wanna show you my new product.

Check it out. Ah, you likes, right?

You likes, right? Ah, this is the Mo' Better butter dispenser.

Check it out.

Ah.

I've tasted butter, but this is Mo' Better butter.

Go stack that over there. Stack it by the Malcolm Ex-lax.

I got a customer.

- Can I help you? - Yeah, do you carry sneakers?

- Sneakers? - Yeah.

- Like tennis shoes? - Right.

- Like basketball shoes? - Yes.

- Like just plain sneakers? - Yes.

- Got 'em. - Oh, great.

Check it out. My own line.

- Oh. - Spikes. You like?

- No. - Come on. You gotta like.

- No, l... - Come on, look. You gotta like.

- I don't. - Please, baby, baby, please.

Please, baby, baby, baby, baby. Please, baby, baby, please.

Please, baby, baby. Please, baby, baby, baby, baby.

- Please, baby, baby, please. - Okay, I'll take them.

- All right. You sure? - Yes.

- You want 'em? - Yes.

- You buy 'em? - Yes.

- You sure? - Absolutely.

All right. You can pay for them right over here.

You get a copy of School Daze with that.

- Oh. That's okay. - It's free.

- Oh, it's free? - Free.

That's okay.

- [Mumbling] - Get outta here!

What do you want? What do you want? I'm gonna go broke.!

Here! Here! You're gonna drive me crazy.

- Mm-mm-mm. Thank you. - You sound like a machine gun.

dd [Radio]

Excuse me. Can you turn the radio down, please?

- dd [Continues] - Excuse me.

Can you turn your radio down, please? Hey!

Excuse me. I'd like to return this free copy of School Daze.

What's wrong? It's defective?

No. I didn't go to a black college. I just didn't get it.

Can you please turn your radio down? Hey.

- [Phone Ringing] - Can you please turn your radio down?

Hello. Spike's Joint.

Ha, ha, ha, very funny. Deliver pizzas to your house.

- Yeah, right. For the 40th time, hell no! - dd [Continues]

Can you turn your radio down, please?

Hey, Spike. Why doesn't Nike appoint any black people to its board of directors, man?

It's a very complicated issue, all right? But you can read about it in my new book:

The Making of Nike Commercials.

All right? $9.95.

- I need 20 triple "A" batteries for my radio. - We don't have any batteries.

- You're gonna have to turn your radio down. - No batteries?

- Twenty triple "A"? - Turn your radio down.

- Turn that down. We don't have any batteries. - Excuse me.

Excuse me. Mookie, when are you gonna take care of your kids, all right?

It's... It's not Mookie, all right? It's Spike, all right?

Turn the radio down. What do you want?

- [Stammering] - Get outta here. Get outta here.

- Get outta here! - How come there's no white people on the wall, man?

[Overlapping Yelling]

This is Spike's Joint, all right? When you get your own joint...

[Overlapping Yelling Continues]

You can put anybody you want on the wall.

- [Yelling Continues] - The guy who was in Gilligan, man.

Huh? How come he's not...

[Baby Crying]

Now, I know what you're thinking right now.

You're thinking, " Hey, now's a great time to throw a trash can through the window."

Well, I couldn't agree with you more.

That's why I've got trash cans in the back for $15.

All right? They're lightweight and riot size.

What a discount.

You'll also get a free copy of School Daze.

- Oh, forget it. - Nah, never mind.

Get outta here.! What? What? What?

M-M-M-M-Midget.

[Applause]

Hope you enjoyed the show. We had a good time, as well, with you.

And we'll see you next week.

d You can do what you wanna do in living colordd