Original subtitles

MAX, I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

DON'T ACT SURPRISED.

[shouts] OH NO, IT'S HER!

- WHAT IS IT, MAX? - IT'S TANYA.

THEY'VE GOT YOUR PICTURE PLASTERED ALL OVER THE EARLY MORNING PAPER.

OH, YOU SEE?

THAT'S YOUR GLORIOUS FREE PRESS

YOU'RE ALWAYS BOASTING ABOUT.

WHERE IS YOUR MAXIMUM SECURITY NOW, MR. SMART?

SHE'S RIGHT, MAX. WE CANNOT ADEQUATELY PROTECT MISS LUPESCU

IN A PUBLIC HOTEL.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, CHIEF.

I'VE CHECKED THIS HOTEL A DOZEN TIMES.

I'M TELLING YOU IT'S ABSOLUTELY SAFE. COME ON.

WE'D LIKE TO REGISTER, PLEASE.

DON'T MOVE. HE HAS A GUN.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW, MR. SMART?

IT'S ALL RIGHT, HE WON'T SHOOT,

NOT AS LONG AS THE CASHIER WHO IS ONE OF OUR MEN

HAS A GUN TRAINED ON HIS BACK.

I KNOW THAT, BUT THE BELLBOY HAS A GUN LEVELED AT THE CASHIER.

LOOK, IT'S ALL RIGHT

BECAUSE AGENT 41 THE CHAMBERMAID

HAS THE DROP ON THE BELLBOY.

AND SINCE I'VE NEVER TRUSTED THE CHAMBERMAID,

AGENT 48 THE ELEVATOR OPERATOR

HAS THE CHAMBERMAID COVERED.

IT'S A STANDOFF.

WHAT IS THAT?

EVERYBODY'S AFRAID TO SHOOT

FOR FEAR HE HIMSELF WILL BE SHOT.

CONSEQUENTLY, NO ONE GETS HURT.

LET'S GET MISS LUPESCU OUT OF HERE.

- [gunshot blasts] - [body thumps]

- [guns blasting] - [bodies thumping]

OF COURSE, IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS

ALL IT TAKES IS ONE WISE GUY.

[theme music playing]

THIS MEETING OF KAOS IS NOW IN SESSION.

ORDER OF BUSINESS...

THE LIQUIDATION OF TANYA LUPESCU.

SO FAR YOU HAVE FAILED MISERABLY.

SHE IS STILL ALIVE

AND IN THE CUSTODY OF THE CONTROL ORGANIZATION.

IF SHE IS ALLOWED TO LIVE

SHE WILL BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY IN COURT

SEVERAL OF OUR TOP...

"EXECUTIVES."

SINCE YOU ARE ALL SUCH BUNGLERS

I HAVE SENT FOR ONE OF OUR MOST TALENTED AGENTS

TO PERFORM THE DELICATE TASK

OF ELIMINATING MISS LUPESCU.

THAT MAN

IS ALEXEI SEBASTIAN.

MAX, OUR EXPERIENCE THIS MORNING PROVES ONE THING...

IT'S JUST TOO DIFFICULT TO PROTECT MISS LUPESCU IN A PUBLIC HOTEL.

- IT TAKES TOO MANY AGENTS. - YOU'RE RIGHT, CHIEF.

WE'VE GOT MORE MEN IN HOTELS THAN CONRAD HILTON.

[chuckles]

I THINK I'VE GOT SOMETHING WORKED OUT.

SEE THIS LOCATION I HAVE MARKED OFF?

IT HAS FRONT, BACK AND SIDE EXITS FOR EXTREME MOBILITY.

A MINIMUM NUMBER OF AGENTS CAN BE PLANTED TO GIVE IT MAXIMUM SECURITY.

IT'S TWO MINUTES FROM THE COURTHOUSE

AND IT'S GOT A COMMUNICATIONS SETUP

- DIRECTLY TO CONTROL HEADQUARTERS. - THAT'S PERFECT.

WHERE IS IT, CHIEF?

- IT'S YOUR APARTMENT. - MY APARTMENT.

- MY APARTMENT?! - YES.

CHIEF, I CAN'T TAKE A GIRL TO MY APARTMENT.

WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS SAY?

THERE'S NO ALTERNATIVE, MAX.

BESIDES, IT'S SO OBVIOUS IT'S THE LAST PLACE KAOS WOULD THINK OF LOOKING.

BUT CHIEF, IT'S A BACHELOR APARTMENT.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE STOCKINGS ALL OVER THE SHOWER ROD

AND CLOTHES ALL OVER THE FLOOR?

THIS IS AN ORDER, 86.

WELL, ALL RIGHT, CHIEF.

- BUT YOU'D BETTER GIVE ME AN HOUR OR SO. - WHAT FOR?

WELL, I'VE GOT TO GET MY STOCKINGS OFF THE SHOWER ROD

AND MY CLOTHES OFF THE FLOOR.

MAX, YOU'VE GOT TO GAIN TANYA LUPESCU'S CONFIDENCE.

FIRST OF ALL YOU'VE GOT TO IMPRESS HER WITH THE FACT

THAT UNTIL SHE TESTIFIES, HER LIFE IS IN GREAT DANGER.

ALSO YOU'VE GOT TO FIND OUT ANYTHING ELSE SHE KNOWS ABOUT KAOS.

- NOW HERE'S OUR PROCEDURE... - WAIT A MINUTE, CHIEF.

ISN'T THIS TOP SECURITY?

YES.

WELL...

SHOULDN'T WE ACTIVATE THE CONE OF SILENCE?

MAX, I'VE BEEN HAVING

A LITTLE MECHANICAL DIFFICULTY WITH IT LATELY, AND I...

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, CHIEF. THE WHOLE THING IS SO SIMPLE.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PRESS THIS BUTTON AND TURN THIS LEVER

- ALL THE WAY TO THE RIGHT. - [machine hums]

- NOW HERE'S OUR PLAN... - HOLD IT, CHIEF.

OKAY, GO AHEAD.

ALL RIGHT. FIRST,

YOU TAKE TANYA TO YOUR APARTMENT.

MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT BEING FOLLOWED,

EXCEPT, OF COURSE...

BY OUR OWN MEN.

MEANWHILE, I WILL TAKE 99,

DISGUISED AS TANYA, TO A COMMERCIAL HOTEL.

WE'LL REGISTER 99 AND WE'LL SNEAK HER OUT OF THE HOTEL,

MAKING SURE THAT SOME OF OUR MEN STAY BEHIND

TO GUARD HER ROOM AS A DECOY.

HAVE YOU ANY QUESTIONS?

NO, CHIEF, I THINK THAT JUST ABOUT COVERS EVERYTHING.

ALL RIGHT, TANYA.

I THINK WE CAN RELAX NOW.

THIS APARTMENT IS PERFECTLY SAFE;

IT'S UNDER MAXIMUM SECURITY.

[knock on door]

WHO IS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

HOW DO YOU DO? I'M YOUR MUTUAL INSURANCE AGENT.

OH, COME RIGHT IN.

WHO IS HE?

WELL, I'M NOT QUITE SURE YET.

AHA, JUST AS I THOUGHT.

HE'S MY MUTUAL INSURANCE AGENT.

ALL RIGHT, FELLA, COME ON, LET'S GO.

YOU'VE PROBABLY GOT A LOT OF CALLS TO MAKE.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

THAT'S OKAY. A LOT OF PEOPLE

FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT INSURANCE.

WELL TANYA, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT DOWN AND RELAX FOR A WHILE?

THANK YOU.

NOW TANYA, I'M WONDERING,

CAN YOU GIVE ME ANY INFORMATION THAT MIGHT HELP US

IN TRYING TO PROTECT YOU?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHEN OUR MEN RESCUED YOU IN EUROPE

AND BROUGHT YOU OVER HERE, HOW LONG WERE YOU A PRISONER OF KAOS?

ALMOST A WEEK.

NOW DURING THAT TIME, DID YOU NOTICE ANYTHING

ABOUT THEIR METHOD OF OPERATION THAT MIGHT HELP US?

YES, THEY LEFT ME ALONE IN ONE OF THEIR OFFICES FOR AN HOUR ONE DAY.

I FOUND THEIR CODE BOOK AND WAS ABLE TO MEMORIZE THEIR CODING SYSTEM.

EH, DO YOU CONSIDER THAT IMPORTANT?

IMPORTANT? ARE YOU KIDDING?

WHY, WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO BREAK THEIR CODE FOR YEARS.

I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU STILL REMEMBER IT?

OF COURSE I DO.

THE FIRST VOWEL AFTER EVERY SECOND CONSONANT

IS SUPERIMPOSED ON THE VOWEL

IMMEDIATELY PRECEDING IT IN THE ALPHABET.

THE FIRST WORD AFTER EVERY PREPOSITION,

IF IT IS NOT INTRODUCED BY AN ARTICLE OR

A PERSONAL PRONOUN, IS INVERTED.

THE LETTER T STANDS FOR F

EXCEPT AFTER E. Js COUNT FOR DOUBLE.

THE FIRST NUMBER AFTER EVERY SECOND ADVERB

IS THE THIRD DIGIT AFTER A MODIFYING ADJECTIVE.

PROPER NAMES AND COUNTRIES EQUAL THE WORD "MARMALADE."

IS THAT IT?

IT'S SO SIMPLE. NO WONDER WE WERE NEVER ABLE TO CRACK THAT CODE.

THAT'S THE WAY IT ALWAYS IS...

IT'S RIGHT THERE UNDER YOUR NOSE AND YOU NEVER SEE IT.

"MARMALADE." OF COURSE.

AND FOR TWO YEARS WE'VE BEEN WORKING ON JELLY.

IF THAT'S ALL FOR NOW, MR. SMART...

- UH, MAXWELL. - MAXWELL...

I DO THINK I WOULD LIKE TO GET SOME REST.

OH, MOST CERTAINLY, TANYA, BUT ONE THING FIRST.

NOW I DON'T WANT TO ALARM YOU,

BUT JUST IN CASE ANYBODY HAPPENS TO BREAK IN HERE

I'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU A FEW TRICKS IN SELF-DEFENSE.

- OH. - NOW THE FIRST THING IS THIS...

A TELEPHONE?

WATCH VERY CAREFULLY. YOU SEE THIS TRIGGER HERE?

YOU MERELY PRESS THIS

AND THEN YOU DIAL 1-1-7.

[bullet fires]

THAT'S VERY INGENIOUS!

NOW I'M GOING TO ATTACK YOU.

WHAT?

NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. JUST A LITTLE JUDO.

NOBODY WILL GET HURT.

EXCEPT ME.

WELL, I HOPE YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU DID, TANYA.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

OH, YES, OF COURSE. WE'RE TRAINED TO TAKE FALLS.

YOU KNOW, MOST OF YOU AMERICANS ARE SO SOFT.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU PUT SUCH UNNECESSARY EMPHASIS ON PHYSICAL COMFORT

LIKE LUXURY OR LOVE.

LOVE?

YES, LOVE.

THAT'S ALL YOU SEEM TO TALK ABOUT...

ABOUT GLAMOUR, SEX APPEAL, ABOUT HUGGING AND KISSING.

WELL THAT'S NOT TRUE, TANYA. I HARDLY EVER TALK ABOUT THOSE THINGS.

WHY, I HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT HUGGING OR KISSING IN WEEKS.

- MR. SMART... - MAXWELL.

- MAXWELL... - MAX.

MAX, COULD YOU HONESTLY TELL ME

THAT YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW?

THAT YOU WOULD NOT LIKE TO KISS ME?

WELL, UH...

WELL, LET'S DO IT AND GET IT OVER WITH.

I WILL SHOW YOU HOW LITTLE IT MEANS.

[exhales]

WELL, I THINK I'D LIKE TO UNPACK MY ROOM

IF YOU'LL JUST SHOW ME TO MY BAG.

OH, MAX...

[knock on door]

OKAY, MAX, EVERYTHING'S GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN.

I'M GOING TO RELIEVE YOU NOW

AND YOU ARE TO REPORT TO THE CHIEF IMMEDIATELY. IT'S...

IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

OH, THIS. WELL, IT'S REALLY NOTHING, 99.

I WAS JUST SHOWING TANYA A LITTLE JUDO.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN PRETTY ROUGH.

I THINK SHE BROKE YOUR LIP.

THAT'LL BE ALL FOR NOW, K-13.

STAND BY FOR FURTHER ORDERS.

WHAT'S UP, CHIEF?

THANK YOU, FANG.

IT'S TROUBLE. WE'VE JUST FOUND OUT

WHERE THE THREAT TO TANYA LUPESCU'S LIFE WILL COME FROM.

ALEXEI SEBASTIAN, THE MASTER EXECUTIONER OF KAOS

IS REPORTED IN THIS COUNTRY.

ALEXEI SEBASTIAN?

YES. THE MAN HAS NEVER FAILED AN ASSIGNMENT.

NO MATTER HOW CLOSELY GUARDED A SUBJECT MAY BE,

SEBASTIAN HAS ALWAYS MANAGED TO GET TO HIM

THROUGH ONE OF HIS EXTRAORDINARY DISGUISES.

COME WITH ME.

I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOME SLIDES, MAX.

GEE, CHIEF, I HOPE IT'S NOT YOUR CUMBERLAND GAP TRIP AGAIN.

I JUST SAW THAT LAST WEEK.

NO, MAX.

Chief: DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS?

OF COURSE. THAT'S SENATOR FARFAM.

WRONG. THAT'S ALEXEI SEBASTIAN.

ISN'T THAT FRED GILES, THE TENNIS CHAMPION?

NO, SEBASTIAN AGAIN.

HMM, NICE FOREHAND.

MAX, SEBASTIAN IS SO DANGEROUS WE CONSIDER HIM TO BE A 101.

A 101?

- SHOOT ON RECOGNITION? - RIGHT.

OH, I KNOW HIM. THAT'S JOHNNY CARSON.

I WATCH HIS SHOW ALL THE TIME.

SEBASTIAN.

HE DID "THE TONIGHT SHOW" FOR TWO WEEKS BEFORE THEY FOUND OUT.

OH, NO, CHIEF. NOT MY AUNT ROSE.

YES, IT'S HIM AGAIN.

GIVES YOU QUITE A SHOCK, DOESN'T IT?

NOT HALF AS MUCH OF A SHOCK AS IT'S GONNA GIVE HARRY.

- WHO'S HARRY? - MY UNCLE.

WHICH ONE OF THEM IS SEBASTIAN?

WE STILL DON'T KNOW.

CHIEF, THAT MAN IS ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC.

HOW ARE WE EVER GONNA TRAP HIM?

WELL, HE HAS ONE PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTIC THAT HE CAN'T CONCEAL...

WEAK EYES.

WEAK EYES?

YES, WHEN EXPOSED TO BRIGHT LIGHTS HE BLINKS EXCESSIVELY.

BUT IF SEBASTIAN CAN BE ALL THOSE PEOPLE

THEN HE CAN BE ANYBODY.

WHY, HE COULD BE ONE OF US.

GENTLEMEN, AS WE SUSPECTED,

THEY HAVE TAKEN MISS LUPESCU

TO MAXWELL SMART'S APARTMENT.

THE OTHER GIRL WAS JUST A DECOY.

NOW I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF INTRODUCING

THE MAN WHO WILL BE ABLE TO PENETRATE THEIR DEFENSES

AND KILL MISS LUPESCU.

GENTLEMEN,

THE WORLD'S FOREMOST MASTER OF DISGUISE...

ALEXEI SEBASTIAN.

WELL, ANYWAY, CHIEF, I THINK WE SHOULD STRENGTHEN OUR SECURITY MEASURES.

ABSOLUTELY. BUT WE'LL NEED A COUNTERSIGN

SO THAT WHEN I COME TO YOUR APARTMENT LATER TO QUESTION TANYA

WE'LL KNOW WE'RE NOT SPEAKING TO IMPOSTORS.

JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, CHIEF,

WHY DON'T WE USE A DOUBLE COUNTERSIGN?

GOOD IDEA.

OH, HERE'S A GOOD ONE...

I'LL SAY, "THE MIGRATING BIRDS FLY LOW OVER THE SEA."

YOU SAY, "SHADELESS WINDOWS ADMIT NO LIGHT."

THEN I'LL SAY, "THE WINGLESS DOVE PROTECTS HIS NEST."

AND YOU SAY, "THE TOOTHLESS TIGER RULES A RESTLESS JUNGLE."

- HAVE YOU GOT THAT? - RIGHT, CHIEF.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY IT.

THE MIGRATING BIRDS FLY LOW OVER THE SEA.

THE RESTLESS JUNGLE ADMITS NO SHADES.

NO, MAX, I HAVE THE RESTLESS JUNGLE.

YOU HAVE THE SHADELESS WINDOWS AND THE WINGLESS DOVES.

OH. I THOUGHT YOU HAD THE THE WINGLESS DOVES AND I HAD THE SHADELESS...

NO, MAX.

HOW ABOUT THIS FOR A DOUBLE COUNTERSIGN, CHIEF?

YOU SAY, "HELLO, MAX," AND I SAY, "HI, CHIEF,"

- AND YOU SAY... - SMART!

IT'S ON THIS CARD. MEMORIZE IT.

AND REMEMBER, ALEXEI SEBASTIAN CAN IMPERSONATE ANYONE.

- ANYONE? - ANYONE.

THE ONLY TWO WE'RE SURE OF ARE YOU AND ME.

THERE ARE THREE OF US IN THIS ROOM, CHIEF.

- YOU MEAN...? - YES.

F-A-N-G.

MAX, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH SEBASTIAN.

LET'S PUT HIM TO A LITTLE TEST.

[whimpers]

THAT'S FANG ALL RIGHT, CHIEF.

NO OTHER SECRET AGENT IN THE WORLD CAN RUN THAT FAST.

Max: 99, WE'VE GOT TO BE EXTRA CAREFUL.

ALEXEI SEBASTIAN THE MASTER IMPERSONATOR

HAS BEEN HIRED BY KAOS TO GET TANYA.

THE MAN IS INCREDIBLE.

WHY, HE COULD BE IMPERSONATING ANYBODY.

RIGHT. CHIEF CALLED JUST AFTER YOU LEFT

TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING WAS ALL RIGHT.

HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS THE CHIEF?

HE GAVE ME THE DOUBLE COUNTERSIGN.

OH. WHAT WAS IT?

"MIGRATING BIRDS FLY LOW OVER THE SEA."

"SHADELESS WINDOWS ADMIT NO LIGHT."

"THE WINGLESS DOVE PROTECTS HIS NEST."

AND "THE TIGER RULES THE RESTLESS JUNGLE."

WRONG.

THE TOOTHLESS TIGER.

OH, MAXIE, I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU COME IN.

I WILL BE RIGHT DOWN AFTER I TAKE MY SHOWER.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND MY BORROWING YOUR TOWEL.

WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, TANYA, THAT'S MY FAVORITE TOWEL.

YOU CAN USE IT...

FOR A WHILE.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT, 99.

OH, I'M STAYING, MAX.

WE CAN TAKE TURNS WATCHING.

THERE'S REALLY NO NEED FOR THAT, 99.

I THINK I CAN HANDLE THE SITUATION.

I'M GOING TO MAKE SOME COFFEE.

IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG NIGHT.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MAX. I CAN MAKE THE COFFEE.

YOU SEEM TO FORGET THAT I'M A WOMAN TOO.

BESIDES, REMEMBER THE COFFEE I MADE FOR YOU LAST WEEK?

HOW ABOUT SOME TEA?

I'LL MAKE THE COFFEE, 99.

[knock on door]

THE MIGRATING BIRDS FLY LOW OVER THE SEA.

SHADELESS WINDOWS ADMIT NO LIGHT.

THE WINGLESS DOVE PROTECTS HIS NEST.

THE TOOTHLESS TIGER RULES THE RESTLESS JUNGLE.

CHIEF, IS IT REALLY YOU?

OF COURSE IT'S ME, 99.

COME ON IN.

I GUESS YOU WANT TO INTERROGATE OUR GAY DEFECTOR.

- THAT'S RIGHT. - COME ON. SHE'S UPSTAIRS.

- [knocking on door] - 99, WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER THE...

OH, HI, CHIEF. COME ON IN.

I GUESS YOU'RE HERE TO QUESTION THE GIRL.

THAT'S RIGHT, MAX.

UH, CHIEF...

YOU FORGOT THE COUNTERSIGN.

THE OLD COUNTERSIGN OR THE NEW COUNTERSIGN?

NEW COUNTERSIGN?

YES, I SAY, "APPLES," YOU SAY, "MACINTOSH."

OH. CHIEF...

THE COUNTERSIGN.

- APPLES. - MACINTOSH.

THE GIRL'S UPSTAIRS, CHIEF.

MAX, WOULD YOU FIX ME A DRINK?

OH SURE, CHIEF. COME ON OVER TO THE BAR, PICK OUT ANYTHING YOU LIKE.

HOW ABOUT SOME BOURBON?

THAT'S FINE.

TANYA, THE CHIEF WANTS TO TALK TO YOU

AS SOON AS YOU'RE DRESSED.

I WILL BE OUT IN A FEW MINUTES.

- IT'S BEEN A TRYING DAY, 99. - WHAT'S THE MATTER, CHIEF?

- IS YOUR ULCER ACTING UP AGAIN? - YES, I'M AFRAID SO.

I WONDER IF I COULD TROUBLE YOU FOR A GLASS OF BUTTERMILK.

- THAT USUALLY HELPS. - OF COURSE, CHIEF.

THANK YOU.

- HOW ABOUT THIS, CHIEF? - FINE. FIX IT FOR ME.

OH, CHIEF, I JUST BROKE A NAIL.

COULD YOU HELP ME GET THE TOP OFF THE BUTTERMILK, PLEASE?

OH, CHIEF...

MAX.

HERE'S YOUR DRINK.

OH, THANK YOU.

[gags] THAT'S NOT BUTTERMILK.

YOU BET YOUR SWEET LIFE IT ISN'T.

I WANTED...

MAX, DID YOU LEAVE THIS DOOR OPEN?

I DON'T THINK SO, CHIEF.

I'D BETTER CHECK THE CORRIDOR.

NO, I'LL CHECK THE CORRIDOR.

OH, MAXIE...

YES TANYA, WHAT IS IT?

DO YOU HAVE A BATHROBE?

I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT.

I'LL LOOK FOR ONE ANYWAY.

NOW DRINK IT ALL DOWN, CHIEF.

IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL MUCH BETTER.

LOOK, SOMEONE LEFT THE DOOR OPEN.

THERE.

WELL, I THINK TANYA SHOULD BE OUT OF THE SHOWER BY NOW.

I DON'T THINK I'LL NEED YOU. I CAN QUESTION TANYA MYSELF.

CHIEF, YOU KNOW CONTROL'S RULE ON INTERROGATION...

NEVER INTERROGATE A FEMALE SUSPECT WITHOUT ANOTHER AGENT PRESENT.

- WHO MADE THAT RULE? - YOUR WIFE.

YES.

THIS BUTTERMILK HAS LEFT A BITTER TASTE IN MY MOUTH.

POUR ME A LITTLE BOURBON, WILL YOU?

- BOURBON, CHIEF? - BOURBON!

RIGHT, CHIEF.

[knock on door]

[knocking continues]

CHIEF, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE?

CHECKING THE CORRIDOR. BUT SOMEBODY LOCKED ME OUTSIDE.

OH, CHIEF.

YOU'VE GOT TO TRY TO RELAX.

I JUST DON'T THINK MY ULCER IS GOING TO SURVIVE THIS NIGHT.

HERE, LET ME HAVE THAT BUTTERMILK.

BUT CHIEF, THAT'S...

[gagging]

BOURBON AGAIN?

DOES "BOURBON" SOUND LIKE "BUTTERMILK"?

GET ME SOME BUTTERMILK!

RIGHT, CHIEF.

HOW LONG DO YOU THINK SHE'LL BE?

I'LL CHECK IT OUT, CHIEF.

- TANYA... - [footsteps approaching]

YES, MAXIE?

Max: HOW LONG WILL YOU BE, DEAR?

Tanya: FIVE MINUTES.

- HOW LONG WILL SHE BE? - ABOUT FIVE MINUTES, CHIEF.

TELL HER TO HURRY UP.

RIGHT, CHIEF.

TANYA?

YES, MAXIE?

HOW LONG WILL YOU BE NOW?

FOUR MINUTES AND 30 SECONDS.

Max: DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH TOWELS?

- Tanya: YES. - Max: OH.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET A GLASS OF BUTTERMILK?

THANK YOU, 99.

SHE'LL JUST BE A MINUTE, CHIEF.

GET ME A DRINK, WILL YOU, MAX?

RIGHT, CHIEF.

OH, THANKS, CHIEF.

HERE YOU ARE, CHIEF.

ALL RIGHT, HOLD IT. DON'T ANYBODY MOVE.

KILL HIM. HE'S ALEXEI SEBASTIAN.

KILL HIM, MAX. HE'S AN IMPOSTOR.

WAIT A MINUTE. THERE'S SOMETHING FUNNY GOING ON AROUND HERE.

WELL...

SO ENDS THE CAREER OF ALEXEI SEBASTIAN...

AN UGLY CUSTOMER IF I EVER SAW ONE.

OH, SORRY ABOUT THAT, CHIEF.

WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED?

ALEXEI SEBASTIAN HAS JUST PLAYED HIS LAST ROLE.

BUT MAX, HOW DID YOU KNOW HE WAS THE IMPOSTOR?

WELL, IT WAS REALLY QUITE SIMPLE, CHIEF.

YOU SEE, I REMEMBERED THAT SEBASTIAN HAD WEAK EYES.

SO I MERELY TOOK THIS LAMP

AND FLASHED IT IN HIS EYES.

UH-OH.

I MAY HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

IF THIS IS THE REAL CHIEF,

YOU'RE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE, FELLA.

WELL, WITH SEBASTIAN OUT OF THE WAY I THINK WE CAN ALL GET A GOOD NIGHT'S REST.

HE OUGHT TO GET A LONG PRISON TERM FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER.

YES, I THINK WE'VE GOT HIM THIS TIME.

THE TROUBLE BEFORE HAS ALWAYS BEEN WITH WITNESSES.

SINCE NOBODY KNEW WHAT HE REALLY LOOKS LIKE

NOBODY WAS ABLE TO POSITIVELY IDENTIFY HIM.

THAT'S RIGHT. IF WE WERE ASKED TO IDENTIFY HIM,

WE WOULD SAY HE LOOKED LIKE OUR CHIEF.

ON THE OTHER HAND THEY COULD SAY OUR CHIEF

LOOKED LIKE A FIENDISH INTERNATIONAL KILLER.

[both chuckle]

SMART...

WELL THERE ARE TWO WAYS OF LOOKING AT IT, CHIEF.

WELL, LIKE THE CHIEF SAYS, I THINK WE SHOULD ALL GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.

BY THE WAY, WHERE'S MISS LUPESCU?

UH, WELL, SHE WENT UP TO BED ALREADY.

SHE HAS TO BE UP EARLY IN THE MORNING FOR THE TRIAL.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO SLEEP?

I'LL JUST BUNK OUT HERE ON THE COUCH SOMEPLACE, CHIEF.

I THINK SOMEONE SHOULD BE HERE ALL THE TIME

TO SEE THAT TANYA IS SAFE.

OH, I DON'T MIND STAYING, MAX.

UH, NO NO,

THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT, 99.

WELL, CALL US A CAB THEN, MAX, WILL YOU?

- HMM? - CALL US A CAB.

OH, RIGHT, CHIEF.

AND BE SURE AND GET TO BED EARLY.

YOU LOOK A LITTLE TIRED.

YES WELL, I DO FEEL A LITTLE TIRED, CHIEF,

BUT I'LL JUST SLIP INTO MY PAJAMAS AND GET SOME SLEEP.

GOOD NIGHT, MAXIE.

- [bullet ricochets] - [screams]

I THINK 99 OUGHTA STAY HERE TONIGHT, 86.

YOU COME ON HOME WITH ME.

SORRY ABOUT THAT, MAX.

GOOD NIGHT, MAXIE.

[theme music playing]