Original subtitles

- [knocking on door] - TAKE IT EASY, TAKE IT EASY!

I'M COMING, I'M COMING!

[knocking continues]

YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG APARTMENT. THERE'S NO PARTY HERE.

Man: SOMEBODY'S AFTER ME. I NEED YOUR HELP.

LET ME IN, PLEASE!

LISTEN, WRANGLER, I DON'T WANNA BE A PARTY POOPER,

BUT YOU'VE GOT A KNIFE IN YOUR BACK. DID YOU KNOW THAT?

MUST TALK! MUST TALK!

- TAKE IT EASY NOW, TAKE IT EASY! - MUST TALK!

ALL RIGHT, JUST LET ME GET YOU UP HERE TO THIS COUCH.

- NOW, THERE YOU GO. - NO, THEY MIGHT COME BACK.

- PLEASE, ANOTHER ROOM. - ANOTHER ROOM. UH...

I'LL TAKE YOU UPSTAIRS TO THE BEDROOM.

NOW WAIT A MINUTE, I'VE GOT A PLAN HERE.

I'LL JUST TAKE YOU UP WITH THE OLD FIREMAN'S CARRY.

[grunts]

I'VE GOT AN ALTERNATE PLAN.

TAKE A HOLD OF ME THERE. THERE YOU GO!

NOW IT'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

I ONCE KNEW A GUY WHO HAD A KNIFE IN HIS HEART

AND LIVED FOR 15 YEARS. WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?

THAT'S HARD TO BELIEVE!

WOULD YOU BELIEVE 15 MINUTES?

I DON'T THINK SO.

HOW ABOUT A PIN IN HIS NOSE?

YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO CHEER ME UP.

LET'S TAKE IT EASY, FELLA!

YOU'RE GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT. THERE WE GO.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION.

MATTER OF LIFE OR DEATH

MUST TALK!

FIRST YOU'LL SLEEP, THEN YOU'LL TALK.

NOW JUST LIE BACK, YOU'LL FEEL...

- [groans] - OOH!

I'M TERRIBLY SORRY ABOUT THAT.

YEAH... UH.

SORRY, PARTNER.

NOW I'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT HE WANTED TO TELL ME.

INFORMATION. MUST TALK!

YES! I'M LISTENING. GO AHEAD.

THEY'RE GOING TO POISON HIM.

POISON? POISON WHO?

WELL, YOU TRIED. AT LEAST I KNOW THEY'RE GONNA POISON SOMEONE.

- I'D BETTER NOTIFY THE CHIEF. - THE AMBASSADOR!

THE AMBASSADOR?

- THEY'RE GOING TO POISON THE AMBASSADOR? - YES, THE AMBASSADOR.

ARE YOU FINISHED?

AT LEAST I KNOW THEY'RE GOING POISON THE AMBASSADOR.

BUT WHICH AMBASSADOR? WHICH AMBASSADOR?

WHICH AMBASSADOR?

HELLO, CHIEF? THIS IS MAX.

LISTEN, CHIEF,

I DON'T EXACTLY KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT I'VE GOT A DEAD COWBOY IN MY BED,

AND THEY'RE GOING TO POISON THE AMBASSADOR.

NO, CHIEF, A DEAD COWBOY.

NO, CHIEF, I'M NOT CRAZY WITH FATIGUE.

I'M TELLING YOU, THERE'S A DEAD COWBOY IN MY BED.

YES, WELL I THINK YOU'D BETTER GET OVER HERE ON THE DOUBLE.

10 MINUTES. RIGHT, CHIEF.

THE CHIEF IS ON HIS WAY. HE'LL BE HERE RIGHT...

COWBOY? WHERE ARE YOU, COWBOY?

COME ON, OLD WRANGLER! NO HIDING NOW!

[theme music playing]

MAX, YOU'VE GOT TO FACE THE FACTS.

YOU'VE JUST BEEN HAVING A NIGHTMARE! A BAD DREAM!

CHIEF, I'M WIDE AWAKE!

MAX, LISTEN TO ME. FOR THE PAST FOUR MONTHS

YOU'VE BEEN ON ONE OF THE TOUGHEST CASES OF YOUR CAREER.

YOU'VE TRAVELED THOUSANDS OF MILES GATHERING EVIDENCE

THAT WILL PUT THE LEADERS OF KAOS BEHIND BARS.

WELL, I GOT THE EVIDENCE, DIDN'T I, CHIEF?

WORKING, DRIVING, PUSHING, STRIVING, STRAINING,

WORKING, MOVING, MOVING, MOVING,

MOVING!

I'M SORRY, CHIEF, FORGIVE ME.

I'M NOT MYSELF. I'M SO TIRED.

MAX, THE ONLY THING

THAT WILL MAKE OUR CASE AGAINST KAOS STICK

IS YOUR TESTIMONY AT THAT HEARING TOMORROW MORNING.

NOW YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE YOUR WITS ABOUT YOU IN COURT

OR ALL YOUR FIELDWORK WILL...

WILL JUST BE GONE RIGHT DOWN THE DRAIN.

BUT, CHIEF, THE AMBASSADOR!

THERE IS NO AMBASSADOR AND THERE IS NO COWBOY.

THERE'S ONLY YOUR OWN EXHAUSTED MIND PLAYING GAMES WITH YOU.

- YOU REALLY THINK SO? - YES, I DO.

MAYBE I SHOULD GET SOME SLEEP.

YES, I THINK YOU OUGHT TO GET SOME SLEEP

BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO HAVE YOUR WITS ABOUT YOU

TOMORROW AT THAT COURTROOM.

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT, CHIEF.

I MUST HAVE IMAGINED THE WHOLE THING.

YES, NOW GO ON UPSTAIRS AND GET SLEEP

AND YOU'LL BE IN SHAPE FOR TOMORROW.

THANK YOU, CHIEF, I APPRECIATE YOUR COMING OVER.

SORRY ABOUT THAT, CHIEF.

GOTTA GET A GRIP ON MYSELF.

WHOLE THING MUST'VE BEEN JUST A BAD DREAM.

[sighs]

OH. PARDON ME, FELLA.

"PARDON ME, FELLA"?

YOU'RE BACK!

I'VE GOTTA TELL THE CHIEF. WAIT RIGHT HERE!

CHIEF! CHIEF!

TOO LATE, HE'S GONE.

THAT MEANS I WON'T BE ABLE TO REACH HIM

UNTIL HE GETS BACK TO HIS HOUSE.

THE CHIEF IS...

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

FIRST HE WAS HERE, AND THEN HE WAS GONE

AND NOW HE'S BACK! WHERE COULD HE HAVE GONE TO?

Cowboy: HID ON THE LEDGE OUTSIDE THE WINDOW.

OUTSIDE THE WINDOW, OF COURSE.

NO WONDER I COULDN'T FIND YOU.

- BUT WHY? - I HEARD NOISES, VOICES.

I WAS AFRAID THEY WERE COMING BACK TO FINISH ME OFF.

I'VE GOT A FEELING NOBODY CAN FINISH YOU OFF.

THEY'RE COMING BACK FOR ME.

THEY? WHO ARE THEY?

- KAOS. - KAOS!

YOU MEAN KAOS IS GOING TO POISON THE AMBASSADOR?

YES, TONIGHT AT A MASQUERADE PARTY AT THE EMBASSY.

I WAS ON MY WAY THERE WHEN THEY GOT ME.

HOW ARE THEY GOING TO POISON HIM?

A TOAST AT MIDNIGHT... POISON PUNCH.

POISON PUNCH AT THE EMBASSY.

WHAT EMBASSY?

- WHAT EMBASSY? - MOROVIAN EMBASSY!

MOROVIAN EMBASSY.

QUICK, GET ME A DOCTOR.

DON'T WORRY, JUST STAY HERE AND REST AND TAKE IT EASY

THERE'S A DOCTOR DOWNSTAIRS, I'LL GET HER.

TAKE IT EASY AND REST, AND DON'T GET EXCITED.

JUST LIE RIGHT THERE. I'LL GET THE DOCTOR.

NOW... NOW, JUST LIE STILL AND DON'T MOVE.

AND AVOID STARCHY FOODS.

OH! I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME.

BESIDES, I HAVE ALL THE BRUSHES I NEED.

OH... NO NO NO. I'M DR. ANDREW FISH.

- MAY I SEE MRS. DAWSON? - I'M TERRIBLY SORRY,

BUT MRS. DAWSON LIVES IN THE APARTMENT DOWN AT THE END OF THE HALL.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. TERRIBLY SORRY I DISTURBED YOU.

YOU DIDN'T DISTURB ME. I WAS JUST ON MY WAY OUT TO FIND A DOCTOR.

- OH. - "DOCTOR"?

DOCTOR, I THINK YOU'D BETTER STEP INSIDE.

BUT MRS. DAWSON HAS BROKEN HER ANKLE.

I UNDERSTAND SHE'S IN GREAT PAIN.

YOU SEE, THE POOR WOMAN TRIPPED OVER HER CAT.

I REALLY THINK I SHOULD GO.

UH, DOCTOR, A MAN HAS BEEN STABBED.

- WHERE? - IN MY BEDROOM.

LEAD THE WAY, SIR.

I'M SORRY. I'M AFRAID I'M TOO LATE.

HE'S DEAD.

THAT'LL BE $12, PLEASE.

- $12? - WELL, THAT'S STANDARD FOR A HOUSE CALL.

HMM. I SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT HIM DOWN TO YOUR OFFICE.

IF YOU'LL JUST GIVE ME THE NECESSARY DETAILS

I'LL PREPARE THE DEATH CERTIFICATE AND NOTIFY THE POLICE.

- I'M AFRAID YOU CAN'T DO THAT, DOCTOR. - I'M REQUIRED TO BY LAW!

- DOCTOR, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? - NO.

MY CARD.

"AHN KIPNESS, FURRIER TO THE STARS."

- YOU'RE A FURRIER? - NO, DOCTOR.

IF YOU'LL JUST HOLD THIS CARD UP TO THE LIGHT,

YOU'LL SEE MY TRUE IDENTITY.

MAXWELL SMART, SECRET AGENT 86.

OH. HMM.

IS THIS A... THIS IS A SECURITY MATTER.

THAT'S RIGHT, DOCTOR. I WANT YOU TO FORGET

EVERYTHING YOU'VE SEEN OR HEARD HERE TONIGHT.

WIPE IT COMPLETELY FROM YOUR MEMORY.

NOW REMEMBER, DOCTOR,

I WANT YOU TO WIPE EVERYTHING FROM YOUR MEMORY.

WIPE EVERYTHING FROM MY MEMORY.

ER... EVEN MY $12?

ESPECIALLY YOUR $12.

THANK YOU, DOCTOR. GOOD NIGHT.

UH... GOOD NIGHT.

I'VE GOTTA CONTACT THE CHIEF IMMEDIATELY.

HELLO, CHIEF? MAX.

LISTEN, CHIEF, YOU KNOW THAT DEAD COWBOY I TOLD YOU ABOUT?

YEAH. WELL, HE'S DEAD AGAIN.

THAT'S NOT NICE, CHIEF.

WELL I HAVE PROOF THIS TIME.

I BROUGHT IN A DOCTOR, AND THE DOCTOR EXAMINED HIM,

AND PRONOUNCED HIM DEAD.

WHAT DOCTOR?

ER, DR. FISH.

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, I'LL GET THE DOCTOR

AND HE CAN TELL YOU HIMSELF. HOLD ON.

[doorbell rings]

MRS. DAWSON, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY TO DISTURB YOU.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

YES, BUT I KNEW YOU'D STILL BE UP WITH YOUR ANKLE.

I'M RARELY UP WITHOUT IT.

I HOPE YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WALK ALL THE WAY TO THE DOOR.

NO, I TOOK A BUS FROM THE LIVING ROOM.

MRS. DAWSON, IT'S VERY IMPORTANT THAT I SPEAK WITH DR. FISH.

- DR. WHO? - FISH. FISH!

DR. FISH IS OUT WITH LAWYER BIRD

AND FARMER FOX.

BUT, MRS. DAWSON, WHAT ABOUT YOUR ANKLE?

- WHAT ABOUT IT? - OH.

WELL, IT'S QUITE LOVELY.

I'D LOVE TO STAY AND TALK ABOUT IT,

BUT I HAVE SOMEBODY ON THE PHONE.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY AND GET SOME SLEEP, MRS. DAWSON?

HELLO, CHIEF?

DR. FISH WAS GONE,

BUT THE BODY IS STILL...

YOU'D BETTER STAND BY, CHIEF.

AND SWITCH TO PHONE X-B-B.

HELLO, CHIEF? MAX.

LISTEN, JUST FORGET THE WHOLE THING.

JUST PRETEND YOU'RE DREAMING I'M TALKING TO YOU.

BECAUSE I'M DREAMING THAT YOU'RE DREAMING

THAT I'M TALKING TO YOU.

IT CAN'T BE A DREAM. NOT TWICE IN A ROW!

CAN I BE THAT I'M LOSING MY MIND?

WELL THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.

HELLO, OPERATOR? THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.

GET ME THE MOROVIAN EMBASSY.

Max: Hello? Morovian Embassy?

YES? THIS IS THE MOROVIAN EMBASSY.

LISTEN, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

I'VE GOT TO FIND OUT IF THERE'S A MASQUERADE PARTY

FOR THE AMBASSADOR TONIGHT.

YES, IT'S GOING ON RIGHT NOW.

I HAVE TO SPEAK TO THE AMBASSADOR.

I'M SORRY, SIR. WHY DON'T YOU TRY TOMORROW?

BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. THIS IS VITAL!

IT'S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH!

I'll come right over.

IT WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD, SIR.

THIS IS A PRIVATE PARTY. EVEN IF YOU WERE INVITED,

YOU COULDN'T GET IN WITHOUT A COSTUME.

I'M SORRY.

I'VE GOT TO GET INTO THAT EMBASSY.

"THE ALL-NIGHT COSTUME COMPANY."

THE COWBOY MUST HAVE DROPPED THIS!

HE TOOK THE BAIT.

OF COURSE HE DID. NO CONTROL AGENT CAN STAND UP

TO THE LOGIC AND PLANNING OF KAOS.

AND WHEN SMART GETS ON THAT STAND TOMORROW,

THE WHOLE CASE AGAINST KAOS WILL BE THROWN OUT OF COURT.

ISN'T THAT SO, DR. FISH?

RIGHT. EVEN HIS CHIEF THINKS HE'S CRACKING UP.

AND NOW HE'S FALLING INTO OUR TRAP AT THE EMBASSY.

I'VE GOTTA CHANGE AND GET OVER THERE. IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT.

AFTER TONIGHT, THE WHOLE WORLD WILL BELIEVE

MAXWELL SMART IS A BABBLING LUNATIC!

I DON'T HAVE ANY LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIES.

I'M TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO YOU THAT A FELLA CAME IN HERE THIS MORNING,

KIND OF WEIRD-LOOKING GUY, WITH DARK GLASSES,

AND A SCAR ON HIS FACE, AND HE CLEANED ME OUT COMPLETELY.

I'VE GOT TO HAVE A COSTUME, IT'S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.

DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL?

HE DID LEAVE THIS ONE COSTUME, AND I DON'T THINK YOU WANT IT.

IT'S A RETURN FROM THE 4-H CLUB PICNIC.

I'LL TAKE IT. WHERE'S THE DRESSING ROOM?

IN THERE. BUT NOW LISTEN, YOU...

LET US RAISE OUR GLASSES HIGH. TO OUR HONORED HOST,

THE AMBASSADOR OF MOROVIA.

THANK YOU, MY FRIENDS.

THIS IS A PROUD AND WONDERFUL MOMENT FOR ME TO BE WITH...

DON'T DRINK THAT PUNCH! IT'S POISON!

I KNOW THAT MAN. THAT'S MAXWELL SMART!

MR. AMBASSADOR, AS SOON AS I FOUND OUT ABOUT THE MASQUERADE PARTY...

- WHAT MASQUERADE PARTY? - THIS MASQUERADE PARTY!

THAT'S WHY I HAD THE FORESIGHT TO TAKE THIS CHICKEN...

THESE ARE THE WORST COSTUMES I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!

YOU AND I ARE A CINCH FOR FIRST AND SECOND PRIZES.

GRAB HIM. HE'S GONE BERSERK!

MR. AMBASSADOR, THIS IS A PLOT AGAINST YOUR LIFE.

ONE SIP FROM THAT PUNCH MEANS INSTANT DEATH.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS!

WOULD YOU BELIEVE TWO SIPS?

VERY TASTY.

THE MAN IS OBVIOUSLY A LUNATIC.

NOW KINDLY REMOVE THIS MAD CHICKEN!

I'M NOT A CHICKEN! I'M A SECRET AGENT.

MR. AMBASSADOR, THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL YOU.

THE DEAD COWBOY TOLD ME.

THEY KILLED HIM TWICE!

GENTLEMEN, THIS PRETRIAL HEARING

IS AN EXAMINATION OF EVIDENCE

TO DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT A TRUE INDICTMENT

SHALL BE DRAWN UP AGAINST CERTAIN ALLEGED LEADERS OF KAOS,

AN INTERNATIONAL ORGANIZATION OF EVIL.

YOUR HONOR, I THINK WE CAN END THIS HEARING VERY QUICKLY.

THE GOVERNMENT'S ENTIRE WOULD-BE CASE

IS BASED ON THE TESTIMONY OF ONE MAN...

MAXWELL SMART.

NOW WE INTEND TO SHOW

MR. SMART'S TESTIMONY IS INADMISSIBLE

BY VIRTUE OF THE FACT THAT HE IS INCOMPETENT, DERANGED,

AND NOT IN FULL POSSESSION OF HIS FACULTIES.

DON'T WORRY, CHIEF. THEY HAVEN'T GOT A CASE.

THE ODDS AGAINST THEM ARE 1,000 TO ONE.

MY FIRST WITNESS WILL BE THE MOROVIAN AMBASSADOR.

MAKE THAT EIGHT TO FIVE.

HR BURST INTO THE ROOM DRESSED AS A CHICKEN,

ATTACKED ME, KNOCKED THE DRINK FROM MY HAND,

AND MUMBLED SOMETHING ABOUT POISON.

MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, HE BANGS ON MY DOOR

WITH A WILD LOOK IN THEM BEADY EYES OF HIS...

SCREAMING FOR A "DR. FISH,"

AND TELLS ME I'VE GOT A BROKEN ANKLE.

WHEN I DRANK THE PUNCH, HE GOT FURIOUS.

IT'S APPARENT THAT HIS ACTIONS CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED

AS THE RAVINGS OF A MADMAN.

NO, THERE WAS NO DEAD COWBOY,

AND THERE WAS NO DR. FISH.

- BUT YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER... - THAT'S ALL, CHIEF.

- BUT I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT... - PLEASE, STEP DOWN.

A MAN WHO SEES IMAGINARY COWBOYS,

SOME LIVING, SOME DEAD,

WHOSE OWN TWISTED MIND

MANUFACTURES PLOTS TO POISON AMBASSADORS

AND WHO LIKES TO DRESS UP LIKE A CHICKEN,

THAT'S THE GOVERNMENT'S STAR WITNESS

AND THE REASON WHY THIS PRETRIAL HEARING

IS NOTHING MORE THAN AN EMPTY FARCE.

YOUR HONOR, I BEG THE COURT'S INDULGENCE.

I DEMAND THE RIGHT TO CROSS-EXAMINE

SOME OF THESE WITNESSES WHOSE TESTIMONY

HAS MADE MY FUTURE SEEM... SHALL WE SAY DIM?

LET'S SAY JET BLACK.

YOUR HONOR, MAY I CONTINUE?

WELL IT'S MOST UNUSUAL PROCEDURE, MR. CHICKEN...

MR. SMART. IT'S AN INTRIGUING CASE,

SO YOU HAVE THE COURT'S PERMISSION.

THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR. I PLAN TO PROVE

THAT I AM IN COMPLETE POSSESSION OF MY WITS.

AND SO AS MY FIRST WITNESS,

I SHOULD LIKE TO CALL TO THE STAND

MY OLD FRIEND AND GOOD NEIGHBOR,

MRS. HARRIET EULALIE DAWSON.

NOW, MRS. DAWSON,

EXACTLY HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN NEIGHBORS?

TOO LONG!

I WONDER IF YOU COULD BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC?

SIX YEARS TOO LONG!

NOW, MRS. DAWSON,

I'D LIKE YOU TO THINK VERY CAREFULLY

ABOUT THE NEXT QUESTION THAT I'M GOING TO ASK YOU.

TAKE YOUR TIME, THINK IT OVER BEFORE YOU ANSWER.

IN ALL THE YEARS THAT WE HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER

HAS THERE BEEN ANY TIME

THAT I HAVE EVER GIVEN YOU CAUSE OR REASON

TO SUSPECT MY SANITY?

[cackling]

[gavel bangs]

NEXT WITNESS, YOUR HONOR.

NOW YOU ARE THE CHIEF OF CONTROL.

- IS THAT CORRECT? - THAT IS CORRECT.

WOULD YOU KINDLY TELL THIS COURT

YOUR COMPLETE AND FULL NAME?

I'M AFRAID I CAN'T. THAT'S CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION.

THEN TELL THE COURT YOUR FIRST NAME.

MY IDENTITY IS CLASS-A SECURITY.

COME ON, CHIEF, TELL US YOUR FIRST NAME.

CHIEF, IT CAN'T HURT TO GIVE JUST YOUR FIRST NAME!

THADDEUS.

- THADDEUS? - [gavel bangs]

SORRY ABOUT THAT, CHIEF.

HOW MANY CASES HAVE I WORKED ON FOR CONTROL?

I'D SAY MORE THAN 100.

AND HOW WOULD YOU EVALUATE MY SERVICES

AS A SECRET SERVICE AGENT?

NOW LET ME ASK YOU THIS QUESTION...

AND CHIEF, TRY AND KEEP YOUR ANSWERS BRIEF.

IN ALL OF THOSE CASES

WAS THERE ANY TIME WHEN YOU WISHED

THAT THERE WAS SOMEONE ELSE ON THE CASE BESIDES ME?

LET ME SEE IF I CAN THINK OF A QUESTION

THAT YOU CAN ANSWER.

WHAT IS MY NAME?

Chief: MAXWELL SMART.

THANK YOU, THADDEUS, YOU CAN STEP DOWN.

AND NOW, YOUR HONOR...

MR. SMART, IF YOU CAN SHOW

THAT THIS UNUSUAL LINE OF QUESTIONING

HAS ANY DIRECT BEARING ON YOUR CASE...

I'M GETTING TO THAT, YOUR HONOR.

I HAVE HERE IN MY HAND,

EXHIBIT "C"... THE CHICKEN HEAD MASK

THAT I WORE ON THE NIGHT IN QUESTION.

AND I WOULD LIKE TO PUT THIS MASK ON

AND RECREATE THE EVENTS OF THAT EVENING.

YOUR HONOR, I OBJECT!

HE'S TURNING THIS HEARING INTO A CIRCUS.

I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, YOUR HONOR.

MR. SMART, IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY,

REMOVE THAT RIDICULOUS CHICKEN HEAD

SO THAT I CAN SEE YOUR FACE!

BUT YOUR HONOR, I'M SURE THAT IF I COULD...

OF COURSE! THAT'S IT!

YOUR HONOR, I SHOULD LIKE TO HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF CALLING

ONE LAST WITNESS TO THE STAND.

ALL RIGHT, SMART. ONE MORE WITNESS.

AND THEN DID YOU, OR DID YOU NOT

RUSH ACROSS THAT CROWDED ROOM

AND SHOUT, "I KNOW THAT MAN, IT'S MAXWELL SMART"?

YES, I DID.

BUT HOW COULD YOU HAVE POSSIBLY RECOGNIZED ME

WHEN MY FACE WAS COMPLETELY HIDDEN BY THIS CHICKEN MASK?

- WELL, I... - AND WHAT'S MORE,

WHAT MAN WOULD DRINK PUNCH

THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE POISON?

ONLY A MAN WHO KNEW

THERE WAS NO POISON IN THE FIRST PLACE;

A MAN WHOSE WHOLE SCHEME

WAS TO DISCREDIT ME AND MY TESTIMONY IN THIS COURTROOM;

A MAN WHO TRIED TO TAMPER WITH A FEDERAL WITNESS.

AND IF MY CALCULATIONS ARE CORRECT,

YOU ARE THAT MAN;

A MAN WHO OWES HIS ALLEGIANCE TO KAOS.

WELL, YOUR HONOR, MY CASE IS COMPLETE.

THIS IS YOUR VILLAIN.

THIS IS YOUR CULPRIT

AND THIS IS HIS GUN.

STAY BACK! GET OVER THERE, BAILIFF!

- KEEP YOUR HANDS UP! - YOU'RE CRAZY!

YOU'LL NEVER GET THROUGH THE GUARDS AT THE DOOR!

I HAVE MY OWN MEANS OF ESCAPE!

MR. SMART, I MUST SAY THAT YOUR LOGIC WAS QUITE BRILLIANT.

HOWEVER, I REGRET I CAN'T STAY HERE

AND HELP YOU CELEBRATE YOUR VICTORY.

I'M AFRAID I MUST... I MUST TAKE MY LEAVE OF YOU NOW!

DON'T BE A FOOL!

IT'S FIVE STORIES STRAIGHT DOWN TO A HARD PAVEMENT.

- I'M IN A HURRY! - OH.

WELL, THAT IS THE QUICKEST WAY DOWN.

YOU REALLY THINK I'M STUPID ENOUGH TO JUMP

OUT OF A WINDOW FIVE STORIES HIGH

WITHOUT HAVING TAKEN CERTAIN SAFETY PRECAUTIONS?

BELOW THIS WINDOW IS A KAOS TRUCK FULL OF MATTRESSES.

WELL, GENTLEMEN, FAREWELL!

[screams]

Judge: ORDER ORDER ORDER!

MISSED IT BY THAT MUCH.

[knocks on door]

WAIT A MINUTE!

DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO FIX MY BREAKFAST!

[knocking continues]

OH, HI, CHIEF! GOOD TO SEE YOU. WHAT'S UP?

THE TRIAL DATE HAS BEEN SET, MAX.

WE'VE REALLY GOT KAOS ON THE RUN THIS TIME,

- THANKS TO YOU. - NO THANKS NECESSARY.

OH, YES THEY ARE.

I'M AFRAID I LOST FAITH IN YOU

FOR A LITTLE WHILE THERE, BUT...

I MUST SAY, THOSE KAOS BOYS DID A REMARKABLE JOB

OF MAKING YOU LOOK LIKE YOU WERE CRACKING UP.

I UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY, CHIEF.

YOU KNOW, MAX, IT'S AMAZING HOW MUCH

YOU DID SEEM TO THINK YOU WERE A CHICKEN.

YOU KNOW, CHIEF, THERE WERE TIMES

WHEN I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS A CHICKEN.

- [teakettle whistling] - EXCUSE ME, CHIEF.

- MY TEA IS READY. - YEAH.

[theme music playing]