Original subtitles

The problem with working with your significant other is destiny.

On those days when the love is gone, those are the days you are destined to

together the most.

Whether it's your girlfriend... Hey Ellie, you want to sneak into room 134

some at -work sex?

The patient in there can't tell anybody because she had her larynx chewed up by

chipmunks.

Look, DJ, I can't always be ready for sex.

I'm at work. I'm a doctor. I have to take it seriously.

I have a free ice cream sundae for anyone who can guess the growth on

Oski's nose.

Is it a pimple?

A tumor! A tumor! Is it a tiny sandwich?

Or your wife.

Baby, what's the issue with the sex we had this morning? I was Tarzan, you were

Jane, we were making sweet jungle love, until I yelled out...

The next time you take that long to pop, I'm going to reach into your urethra

and pull it out myself.

Or even if it's your ex -wife and then wife again.

Do you really need to walk that close to me?

I will walk wherever I want to walk. And you will enjoy it because you are my

husband. And I control you.

That kind of gave me a boner.

Dirk, what happened to us? We used to be such players.

DJ, that was college. This is real life.

Ah, college.

I remember it clearly.

The toga parties.

The frat house.

Dean Warner putting us on double secret probation.

That robot vacuuming our house.

Us doing that rap at the carnival in order to get on the Greek council.

I remember it so clearly.

Like it was yesterday.

For a new sensation, the studios have brought you the smash hit sex comedy,

Ashland Goes to College. Because the new series that will have you busted

enough, that is DJ Goes to Med School.

Here's the piece!

um um

There you go. There you go.

Oh.

Yes, yes.

Amen.

Ugh.

Oh.

I love

you.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh my god!

Bye. Bye.

yes oh

yeah

Turn around, turn around, turn around, open up.

Like this, like this, turn like that, there you go.

There you go.

There you go.

Oh,

fuck!

Yes!

Oh,

fuck me!

Yes! Yes!

Come here and fuck me!

Yes! Oh my God, just open your mouth, baby. I'm gonna turn around, okay?

Open, open, open.

And then we formed the Breakfast Club.

DJ, life has turned out pretty good for the both of us. So what if we don't get

laid like we used to? I'm a doctor.

I don't get to work with my best butt.

He was talking about me.

He said best butt.

So high five.

Oh.

Despite all the high fives and the comfort from Dirk, I just couldn't help

thinking that life would be much better if we all got more sex.

I mean, look at the janitor. He's a janitor, for goodness sake. I heard

I was just making a point.

As I was thinking, he's a janitor, but he gets so much pussy that he doesn't

mind mopping up blood and urine and sprinkles from his ice cream sundae.

How does he do it, Chocolate Bear?

He must be super suave, Vanilla Cakes.

Hey, excuse me.

Yes?

I was cleaning up this pile of vomit and I had to ask you, does that look like a

raisin or a mouse turd?

Shelly?

Fuck. Fuck.

Come on.

Thank you.

Sit down.

I think I know what's happening.

I'm here to clean out the mess.

You can sign in at school.

You like that?

Mm -hmm.

Can you tell me how good that is?

I got it.

That I do.

So, the plan was to get everybody hungry again.

Even if I had to trick them.

What do you want?

Dr. Cox paid me $20 to come over here and let you insult me.

Why would he do that?

Because he loves you and he wants you to have a nice day.

Aww.

Well, that's so sweet of him.

Excuse me!

He said it should be done quietly.

DJ's balls are oddly misshapen. One looks like an almond, and the other one

looks like Howard Stern.

She only saw them once, and it was very cold outside.

That's what I call...

Thank you.

Uh huh.

Yeah.

No!

Thank you.

shit opens.

Good thing you didn't fuck up my face. I gotta go back to work.

Mr.

Gorman, I'm here to change your bandages.

Okay, just please be gentle.

Oh, of course I will.

I've been with you a long time.

You know about my greatest achievement and my most embarrassing moment.

Man, are you ready for the Naked Heart Hospital talent show?

Everyone's gonna be so psyched to hear our Rizzle Rizzle rap!

Yeah, boy, I'm gonna get this party started.

Remember everything?

Let's get our rap on, bro.

This is going to be the best.

Marla, you are my hot Latin baby.

And I love you.

So much that sometimes I have to skip the romance because... Because I need

close to me so badly.

So I wanted to tell you exactly how I feel.

I love you.

Dirt.

Yes, I hit the flowers and Mr. Gorman's leg banded.

What's this about, baby?

You know.

Fuck you didn't take care

Yes, yes, just like that.

Oh, don't stop.

Yes.

Thank you.

Jerky. But the tip.

It was down to just two.

I really wasn't sure what I could do to convince Ellie to want to have sex with

me.

Hey.

Hey.

Do you want to have sex?

CJ, I told you. I'm at work. If I'm at work, I have to work. I don't want to

have sex.

What if I invite the pet?

Thank you.

Oh.

Oh.

Thank you.

Oh,

my God.

Oh, God. There you go.

Oh.

Oh!

Thank you.

Oh my God.

Where are you?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh! Oh!

As I lay there next to Ellie, I realize that sometimes you have to do what you

have to do in order to make yourself happy.

And now, even with the Ted high -fiving me in his sleep, I realize that I'm

happy too.