Original subtitles

Oh, I was thinking.

Maybe this Saturday you could take Daphne to the science center. Oh, don't

worry. I've got plans.

Mom, please don't take her to the makeup counter again.

But we haven't figured out her palate yet.

She barely has teeth. She doesn't have a palate.

Not that palate.

Never mind. Listen, guess what? We're babysitting Daphne this weekend.

Yeah, because Courtney's going on her girl's trip and you're making me go to

electric car expo in San Diego.

I'm not making you go.

I just said one of us has to go, and it ain't gonna be me.

Thanks for clarifying.

Oh, baby, I'm excited. We'll have fun with her.

Yeah, now, babe, but, you know, this weekend, we were supposed to...

Baby,

that won't take all weekend.

Not with that attitude.

Okay, bye!

Good. Jib and I have a painting class Saturday night. Your dad can watch her

then. Just bring her over whenever you want.

Yeah.

Here's the thing. I need you to stay at my place.

What?

You see how mobile Daphne's getting and your house isn't baby -proofed.

So? Our house wasn't baby -proofed when you were little. And you survived.

Yeah, barely.

Remember the time I jumped off the top bunk and knocked out a tooth?

It was a baby tooth.

You were going to lose that anyway.

Plus, you learned something. You never did it again.

Yes, he did. He thought the problem was he wasn't wearing a cape.

Well, he doubled his money with the tooth fairy.

Come on, Marty is right.

About what?

You guys having a healthy debate?

I want in.

Dave, Marty says that Daphne can't stay at our house because it's not baby

-proofed. Totally agree.

Thank you.

Mind your own business, Dave.

Oh, and I want to watch Daphne at our house.

Yeah, of course you do. And your place is the death trap.

I can hardly let Grover over there. The potpourri in your powder room looks like

corn chips.

Your boy shouldn't be eating anything he finds in the bathroom.

Don't worry, Marty. We will baby -proof.

Thanks, Mom. What are you talking about? I didn't agree to that.

Okay.

After some thought, yeah, I agree.

Welcome to the block. Welcome to the neighborhood.

Welcome to the hood.

Wedding gift.

Arabian oak.

That may be, but I don't like the look of those corners.

What about the corners?

Let me show you.

That's a concussion, if you're lucky.

I'd recommend padded corner protectors.

Done. Done?

Yeah. Tina, come on. Babies have survived tables for centuries.

Calvin, we're doing this.

Now, let's talk about this recliner.

Got a toddler just crawling around.

Hey, where's my horsey? He's so hungry, he wants some hay.

And then you sit up.

Ow!

That's a broken arm, if you're lucky. Oh, Daphne!

Yeah, it's not Daphne.

Hey, this is my chair, man. Yeah, well, I can put a recliner lock on it.

Well, then it would cease to be a recliner.

We'll take it, we'll take it, we'll take it! Okay, it's just expensive.

Can you really put a price on protecting your child's safety? Well, you do.

Fine, come on, let me see the total.

Here's what your rough estimate is so far.

Are you baby -proofing just my house, or is this all a Pasadena?

You know what? No. I'll baby -proof the house myself. Come on. It's time for you

to go. You're out. Hey, I think you're making a mistake. Yeah, I think you're

taking too long to leave. Go, go, go.

Oh, oh, oh.

And take Annabelle with you.

But that was Daphne.

It's not Daphne.

Four, five.

And one more to go.

What about the cabinets?

They're full of glasses.

They're five feet off the ground, Dave. She's a baby.

For now.

Calvin, babies grow up.

Yes, and when they do, they get to drink out of glasses.

Where's my screwdriver?

I put it in the drawer. It's very sharp. Okay.

Okay, all right. How do you open this thing? I don't even know. You push,

pull. You press it, and then you pull?

It's a push? No.

Don't do that.

Hey,

hey, hey. You two are going to wake Daphne.

Dave blocked my screwdriver in the drawer.

Oh, Lord.

Why don't you just call the guy with the doll back to come fix this?

No, no.

Maybe that man was a psychopath.

Look, I promise you, this house will be perfectly Daphne -proofed. Yeah, we'll

even get rid of the potpourri that looks like Fritos.

Nobody else eats it, Dave.

Well, I am going to my sip and paint art class for the gym, okay? If Daphne

wakes up, remember, Marty said no screens. You can play the shapey game

her. Oh.

Yes, she does love the Shaped Game.

Can I play the Shaped Game with her? No, it's a pop -pop thing.

I told you it was push. You never said you never think. You told me to push the

thing, and I said, and I told you. Hey, hey, press, pull, slide. It's not that

hard.

I can't believe I've never been in your bathroom before.

I always imagined softer lighting in here.

See?

Get your imagination out of my bathroom.

I get naked in here.

Are you sure you're putting that thing on right?

No.

You got me so annoyed, the outside knob fell off.

Is that bad?

Yeah, it is now. Because we're locked in.

So we're stuck in here?

Okay, all right.

Calvin, call 311.

What's 311?

Well, it's like 911, but not as urgent.

I left my phone outside.

Where's yours?

Well, it's charging in the kitchen.

I wouldn't want it to be dead in case there was an emergency.

Well, how's that working out for you?

Well, I'm pretty sure it's charged.

What was that?

Is that Daphne?

No, she can't get out of her crib.

Now is the time she figures out how to climb out of her crib?

Okay, everything's fine. The house is fully baby -proof, right?

Well, we never got to those upper cabinets, and clearly, she's a climber.

This is very stressful. I've got to pee. You better hold it. I can't hold it.

Good evening, my fellow artiste.

I hope everyone brought their muse tonight. If not, try the Chablis.

Okay, just a little joke, everyone.

Tonight's inspiration is Girl in the Pink Dress by Laura Wheeler Waring.

Ready, set, feel.

I hope I'm not bad at this. Oh, no, you'll be fine. Just have fun.

Don't try to compare yourself to me. Some of us just have a natural talent.

Oh, well, those were the teacher's words last time, and I can't judge. I mean,

he wouldn't know what she's talking about.

Jimmy, what are you doing?

I'm making sure Grover's being safe with the microwave. He's making himself

dinner for the first time.

Jimmy, he's 14.

When I was 7, I was frying bacon. Give me that.

Less of this and more of this.

Besides, Grover needs to learn life skills.

You just did Malcolm's laundry. Excuse me, I did not.

Well, I didn't fold it.

Well, I folded the fitted sheets. I mean, no man can fold fitted sheets. Let

just shut up and let paint.

Hey, Daphne, it's your Uncle Dave.

Yeah, now, you know what a phone is, right?

Yeah, now, it's right there. Now, pick it up.

Yeah, yeah, you did it. And now bring the phone.

Why don't you throw the phone?

She's got a good arm for a toddler, right?

Now she's holding a stuffed animal.

What?

It's not a stuffed animal, Dave.

That's Sondra.

Who's Sondra?

My favorite wig.

You ever seen her wear a wig before? No, no, no, no. It's Venus.

It's named after Sondra from 227.

Used to have a crush on her back in the day.

Okay, take that off, baby.

Dad, yeah, okay.

Okay, yes. She's picking up the phone again. Dad, Dad.

Bring the phone to pop -up.

We're just sliding under the door. Come on.

No, no, no, no, no.

She's walking away.

She's calling somebody. Who could she be calling? Get out of the way.

Daphne, don't worry.

Uncle David's coming.

All right. Come on, come on. You're all right. You good?

All right, let's try the other shoulder. Come on.

Trey, how did you get in here?

I have a key. I didn't give you a key.

I didn't say you did.

Hey, this green juice in your fridge, yeah, it's killing it.

That's on purpose, Trey.

Weird.

Why were you doing slow -mo kung fu?

That is tai chi, okay?

It's about clearing the mind, finding my balance, and entering my aura.

You forgot where you came from.

We used to eat gas station hot dogs. Now you drinking salad?

Please, I am the same man, okay?

Now, if you don't mind scooting over, I have to carry the moon.

Well, when you set the moon down, you've got like six missed calls from your

dad. Oh, what?

He must have forgot his streaming passwords again.

What's the emergency?

I got to catch him before he changes them, Trey.

$18 for this?

For $18, the old Malcolm would have got a big gulp in a shirt.

Well, all right.

You're doing pretty good for a rookie.

But a little tip.

The painting's called Girl in Pink Dress, so maybe a little less yellow.

It just spoke to me. I think she wants to be yellow.

Oh, this rosé is terrible.

It's white wine.

You dipped your paintbrush in it.

Huh. In that case, it was pretty good.

Man, my mama's not answering either.

You know, this stuff really grows on you. Like, the first two didn't do much

me, but this third one, it's hitting.

Three? You owe me $54, Trey.

Ooh, I'm not paying that for juice.

Man, I can't just sit here. I gotta go check on my parents.

You think my skin looks better?

Okay, wow, a lot of good painters here tonight.

But this person was doing more sipping than painting.

Whoa. Whoever painted this has a real gift.

I have been here before, so I don't know how it is.

The emotions, the pain, the deep tones, you really captured the black

experience. Oh, stop it, but...

Thank you. Oh, wow. Thank you so much.

No, not that one. Wait, what?

This one.

This one screams Harlem Renaissance.

It does?

Yay.

But it's called Girl in Pink, and that one is in yellow.

But it's not about copying. It's about interpreting.

Yes.

And that is what a natural artist does.

Very good.

Yours is good, too, Tina.

Oh, yes, yes, it's very nice.

I would pull back on the shading a little bit.

But, you know, art is subjective, so if you like it, I love it, my sister.

Again, very good job.

She was drinking paint.

Okay, we're ready.

I've used dental floss to secure this loofah brush to the accordion fold

mirror. Now, all I have to do is extend it into the other room and drag the

phone under the door.

You ready?

I'm ready to watch you do it.

Okay. Watch and learn.

Oh, yeah.

You did your thing, MacGyver.

Well, I don't see you coming up with any better ideas.

You know what?

The shapey game. What? The shapey game.

That's what Daphne and Pop -Pop do. We match the shapes with the holes.

Okay, well, play the shapey game with her. Do it.

Daphne.

Daph -Daph puts the square in the square hole.

Pop -Pop puts the star in the star hole.

Think what the Daph -Daph do.

Well, Daph, Daph.

Daph, Daph. Daph, Daph.

Daph, Daph.

Daph, Daph. Daph, Daph. Daph, Daph. Daph, Daph. Daph, Daph. Where is she?

Daph, Daph. It's no time to play hide and seek.

It's never the time for this type of vandalism.

Dave, help me find her before, you know... Hey, hey. Oh, uh, Marty.

Wow.

Yeah, so you're home early.

Oh, yeah, man, I decided not to spend the night. You know, the people at

electric battery conventions are not the party animals you would expect.

Go figure.

Uh, well, you look definitely really trashed the place. Oh, man, well, you

pop -pop time. You know, I...

I can't say no.

All right, well, I'm just going to get out of Chris. Yeah, she's not in her,

Chris.

What? She should be asleep now.

Well, and she might be, as far as we know.

Dad?

We're playing hide -and -seek. And, you know, we're doing the seeking. That's

all. Okay, well, game's over, because the daddy monster always finds his

Daphne!

What's going on here?

Okay. You know what? Full disclosure is, uh, we were baby -proofing the house,

as you requested, and Dave and I got stuck in the bathroom for a few minutes.

A few minutes? More like two hours.

Dave.

You said full disclosure.

Look, you know, here's the thing, is that... Daphne is fine.

And the house was baby -proof, so everything was safe. And even more

your mother needs to not know anything about any of this.

Okay, fine.

So how are you going to explain the wall?

What wall?

Oh, damn.

about the black experience, why don't you tell me how I feel?

So, uh, fun night?

Sure. Is Daphne asleep?

Oh, actually, Marty came back early from San Diego and took her home. Well, we

had fun.

Oh, good.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

Oh.

This is fantastic. Talk about Harlem Renaissance.

Man, you did your thing, babe.

Actually, I did my thing.

Gemma, Gemma, you did that?

Have you been taking secret art classes?

Why does everybody keep asking me that?

Oh, this one is nice, too.

Wow, this is really... You know what?

I actually like this one better.

It's the shading that I love.

She did not enjoy the class.

Gosh, Gemma, this is really, really good. Aw.

Why does your breath smell like paint?

Um, why is Sandra out?

Dave, were you in Tina's closet?

Yes. Yes.

And why are there wet Cheerios in her?

David, did you put Cheerios in Tina's wig?

Yeah. Dave!

Should I be worried?

Yes.

Hey, Tom, are you okay?

Yeah. Uh, why?

Because you called me like six times.

Oh, which is good.

You called Malcolm six times.

Why?

Malcolm, I called you because...

I forgot the password to the streamer. Oh, yes.

I knew it. They are all saved on your phone.

You just got to turn on the facial recognition.

I don't want them people knowing my face.

Well, I'm going to let you two figure it out. I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Good night. What happened to the wall?

Wall?

Calvin. I'm out.

You too.

It was Dave.