Original subtitles

All right. OK.

I'm outside.

This isn't so bad.

Now I see why squirrels live out here.

Hey, Mr. Dinkins. My dad says you suck.

Well, the commercials for your dad's law firm are corny!

You too.

What's that kid even doing outside?

Should be on your phone!

Tonight I'm gonna cut his trampoline.

That's what I'ma do.

Huh.

Oh, hell yeah!

♪ The Fall and Rise

♪ of Reggie Dinkins

Morning, Rusty.

Who's your friend?

Oh, this is Jill, my date from last night

and twice this morning.

Uh. Isn't that wonderful.

Oh, shoot.

I'm gonna be late for my shift at Newark

and that air traffic's not gonna control itself.

If you find my shoes, just throw 'em away.

So nice to meet you.

Rusty. My son is here this week.

And I'm sure Jill is lovely--

Oh, no. She's not.

Her words.

And I always wait until Carmelo leaves for school

before I bring them up. - Them?

Let's just say TGI Fridays isn't the only place

I crush the apps.

For real? Rusty?

I once saw that man drop a whole bowl of spaghetti

in the pool, wait for it to get sucked into the filter,

open the filter, and then eat the spaghetti.

What was I supposed to do?

Just all of a sudden learn how to swim?

Look, Monica, I don't like to kiss and tell,

but Jill and I didn't kiss.

Well, you do live here,

and you have the right to live your life,

but let's just keep it PG.

Well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle...

equal.

And what's that supposed to mean?

Come on.

We're both single adults with a cell phone.

You get it. - Uh-uh.

We are not the same.

I don't need apps to meet people.

I just go to the wine bar at the mall and, you know,

catch a vibe. - Do they still have wine bars?

I mean, I know they don't have malls.

Well, I know it's been a minute,

but I wasn't wearing a mask last time I went out,

so it was after COVID...

Or before?

Yeah, people don't meet in-person anymore.

Come on, let me make you a profile.

OK? I could be your "Hitch."

So I'm Kevin James?

No, I'm sorry. - OK.

Well, let me know if you need my help.

Rusty may need the apps, but Mony's still got it.

And maybe tonight, I prove it.

Hit the Tuscan Grape and show all y'all how it's done.

Stella's about to get her groove back.

Hey!

Or a more recent reference.

Yo, yo, yo! Check this out.

This cat is gonna get me in the Hall of Fame.

Congratulations, buddy, you deserve it!

Uh, I need you to say more words.

This Duck Donovan's cat!

Your old coach?

That guy's had a rough couple of years.

Last year, Jets coach Duck Donovan

was on top of the world.

With Dinkins in the backfield,

nothing can stop us, literally nothing.

Name one thing.

Just one year later, Donovan is out

after going 4 and 12 without Dinkins.

Talk about a lame duck... Donovan.

And joining me in Club Divorcé,

recently fired Seton Hall coach

and even more recently fired

Passaic Middle School Coach Duck Donovan.

Talk about a lame duck.

No, I just came up with that.

Officer, they say I can't bring Namath to work

just because I handle food?

But he's an emotional support cat.

I need him! He's all I have!

Sir, that's not a reason to call the police.

I know my rights.

And he blamed me for all of that!

And-- and that's good?

Coach loves that cat more than life.

I've seen him pushing it around in a damn stroller!

So I find the cat.

Coach is so happy, he forgives me.

And everyone else is like, yo, that guy forgave you?

We forgive you!

And then, bam, Hall of Fame.

Bam, broadcasting job.

Bam, they make a movie of your life.

Bam, Pedro Pascal plays me.

And he wants me on set?

And we just click?

OK, I guess.

It's the perfect plan!

If anyone can understand what Reggie's going through

right now, it's me.

Footage of the absolute lowest point in my life

was recently...

Meme-ified.

Namath isn't a way for Reggie to get into the Hall of Fame.

Namath is the Hall of Fame.

I mean, what, does Reggie truly believe he is going to be able

to find a lone cat in the thousands of acres

that comprise Alpine, New Jersey

and "Big Pussy" Bonpensiero State Park?

Of course not.

But some part of him needs to believe

that no cause is truly lost.

So tonight, we will go and look for the cat.

Tomorrow, we will sit down and confront what that means.

And that is the cake Mother set aside especially for Arthur.

Hey, you.

Oh.

Oh my God, he's dead!

No one drink the pinot grigio!

Am I about to ask the man that lives

in my ex-husband's basement for dating advice?

Hey, welcome to Hitch's office,

Kevin James's character.

OK, you were right.

I got out the game a bit, and the game has changed.

Mm-hmm.

So either I embrace the Korean feminist

celibacy movement 4B...

I'm aware of it.

Or I can learn, with your help,

how to do the swipey thing with the phone.

Honestly, Monica, this is a great time to dive back in.

You know, there's a male loneliness epidemic,

so you are gonna clean up.

But be careful 'cause they're also very fragile.

So they may fully snap if you reject them.

Men are in crisis.

The bad part is the scammers,

so don't send anyone any money for a plane ticket.

Always buy it yourself.

That way, if they turn out to be fake,

you get to keep the points.

Good to know.

Gosh, there's so much more. You know what?

I'm just gonna leave you a voice note.

Hold on. Monica?

Hi, it's Rusty from the house.

Yeah, if a guy's photo is in his car,

he might live in his car.

What are you guys talking about?

We're just trying to find you a new dad.

Or just something casual to bounce on.

OK, I want my mom to be happy,

and I didn't care when Dad started dating.

I--I mean, I'm not sexist.

But this is Mommy!

OK. Yeah, yeah, cool.

Very cool. - What's very cool?

Uh, Monica is my Kevin James.

Oh. You her "Hitch."

Go get it, girl.

I spent some time on the apps when I was out in LA.

I was on the-- the industry one where

Jared Leto matched with himself.

Any luck?

I did meet... someone.

OK.

Hey, baby.

Tell the camera how we met.

It was mad romantic.

OK, so I was eating a popsicle in the background

of one of TI's Instagrams.

Reggie saw it, and he told Rusty to find me.

Love wins.

All right.

Let's get that profile set up.

Here we go.

OK, so what, are you, like, 6'4"?

We've been out in the woods of northern New Jersey

for almost six hours now. - Namath!

So far, Reggie has set out food,

hung catnip, sprayed pheromones,

and now he is just...

Namath!

Namath!

Yelling a cat's name into the darkness

like Ahab calling out to Moby Dick.

Come here, you whale!

I haven't read it.

My point is, this is the face of delulu.

Shh! Shut up!

I hear something.

Namath, come here!

It's working.

Damn it, it's a dog.

Shoot.

This one's Namath, too.

Stupid New Jersey!

Put him with the others!

Come on. You gotta come with me.

OK, everyone.

No, no, no, you stay here.

Namath! Namaths.

No, I don't want to talk about the cat.

I wanna go find it. - Wait.

Sorry, you're not seriously planning

on going back out there, are you?

After last night?

Last night was a good start.

Every great cat-finder starts with a few dogs.

That's where the expression comes from!

But it's a fool's errand!

I don't even know what that means.

Fools run errands all the time.

That's why Wawa sells sushi.

Namath is your white whale, right?

A--a lost cause.

So why do you think that might appeal to you so much?

Hold up.

You think the cat's a metaphor for something?

Yes. Yes, exactly.

No, you got that way quicker than I planned, but yes.

No, this is all very literal.

Finding Namath is just a good plan.

So let's go.

I don't actually need any more footage

of you failing to find a cat, Reggie.

Or of you grabbing a raccoon thinking it is a cat,

or of you panicking and throwing a raccoon at me

while my mouth is open.

Then I'll just go without you!

But you're gonna miss the moment where

Ahab catches Moby Dick, and the good people

of New Bedford have lamps full of whale oil all winter long.

Yeah, I have read it.

Hey, you guys, guess what?

I actually found a match! - Hey!

- Ooh, he's Gaston hot. - Mm.

Yum, business Daddy.

Yeah, his name is Eric.

And, yes, I made sure he was real.

His LinkedIn says that he's a tech recruiter,

and he's been at the same company

for the last five years.

Mm, nice work, Monica.

So I had my friend Lindsay at Experian

pull up his credit score.

740. Not bad.

Then I hit up my friend Kim at the water company,

and she said his usage suggests he does live alone.

Yeah, I guess I'm a little nervous.

Oh. Because you're a virgin?

- What? - She has a damn son!

No, because I haven't been on a real date in nine years.

And everything I knew no longer applies

because dating is phones now, just like maps and restaurants.

Which is great because I'm going out

with a guy from my phone tonight!

Yeah!

OK, I am a feminist.

I marched. But this is not a woman.

Like I said before,

this is Mommy!

I did tell Eric to pick me up here, though,

so he doesn't have my home address.

Smart.

That way, if he's a murderer, only we get killed.

Mm.

He's still out there somewhere.

This is delusional.

Not just that he thinks that he's gonna find the cat,

but that he thinks the cat will magically

solve all of his problems.

Speak of the devil.

Probably got his head stuck in a beehive.

Um, sorry, I need to take this.

Yes, Dean Edwards, please.

That--that footage of me was leaked illegally, so, I--

OK, well, I think you're an embarrassment

to the University of Maryland. I don't mean that, Cheryl.

Obviously, I don't. I don't.

You are a towering figure in the field of 19th century

South American pornography. I--

OK, well, you know what?

Actually, I quit. Yeah.

Bye-bye!

Reggie! Reggie!

Where are you?

Arthur Tobin?

Thank God Monica put that AirTag on you.

OK, we need to find this cat.

'Cause this is a very good plan.

Exactly, and because there's no such thing as lost causes!

And it's definitely not a metaphor!

Nope! It is just a good plan

that will get you into the Hall of Fame

and make this a great documentary,

and then Dean Edwards can go [bleep].

I don't know where we gonna get a whole bag of them,

but let's do it.

- Namath! - Namath!

OK, wish me luck, y'all.

Actually, don't. Watch me cook.

Hey.

Monica. Hi.

Well, you weren't kidding about the cameras.

Here's something you can't do on the apps--

hug.

Mm, this is what human bodies are meant to smell like,

b-t-dubs.

Deodorant is a scam by big pharma.

Oh, Eric. Ah.

You're wearing... shorts.

I work from home, so I rock what I like

to call the body mullet.

Business up top, party down below.

OK, you need to sleuth the full body.

That's on her.

Mm, I mean, sometimes weird dudes are good lovers.

I think that's what's going on with Pete Davidson.

You know, I just realized that this is all

probably too soon for my son.

Oh, don't be ridiculous!

You two crazy kids have fun.

He's perfect!

I mean, one date with that guy,

and she'll swear off men forever.

I'm not proud of myself.

Well, I know this wine bar--

Oh, we can hit that up after the escape room that I booked.

I know what you're thinking. Don't worry--

it is not timed.

Your Cybertruck awaits, m'lady.

Hey.

Ooh.

I hope this date goes better than the one

I went on this morning.

No, you must find poor Namath.

I mean, if he's not in your life,

who will eat you when you die in the tub?

Now, your best bet is to leave out some items of clothing

with a familiar scent.

Like from the owner?

Yes, either one of you.

Although cats are very sensitive to power dynamics,

so it should probably be whichever of you

is the more sexually dominant in your relationship.

I know where Coach gets his dry cleaning done.

Good plan.

Can I help you?

I's Coach Donovan's assistant.

Name's Hubert.

Has him dropped off any dry cleaning lately?

We agreed beforehand no accents.

You're doing a accent.

He, uh, dropped off some stuff yesterday.

Has de tings gone out?

Bossman changed he mind.

Him don't want it clean no more.

He want them dirty!

Maybe I should call Mr. Donovan.

Rass! Him on to us!

Rass!

So the drone didn't spot any cats,

but it did see this.

A pink beanbag by a pool?

That is former New Jersey governor Chris Christie

sunning himself.

Where is he?!

Come on, tell me. I know he lives here!

No, I don't!

What the hell do you want with my clothes, Dinkins?

Coach, we are trying to help you out.

We're trying to find your cat!

Do not call me "Coach."

What the hell are you talking about?

You're trying to find this cat?

Wait, no, but he's missing.

Do you know how many pets in New Jersey are named Namath?

- Yes, we do. - Absolutely, I know.

And that thing looks nothing like my Namath.

First off, that is clearly a female cat.

Look at her saucy, stupid mouth!

Coach, you changed.

You did this to me!

What do you think?

You think you're gonna rescue my Namath,

and all of a sudden, I'm gonna forgive you

for destroying my life?

Now you got me thinking about life without Namath,

and I hate it!

Oh, Lord, please take me first.

You can send me straight to hell,

but take me first!

Come on, it couldn't have been that bad.

I mean, his top half was on point.

I don't understand any of these clues!

So much math. - That's not part of it.

Oh, you don't know! Help!

This is all your fault!

Why does this always happen?

And then I had to call an Uber

because he cut off his thumb in the door of his Cybertruck.

Oh. Ugh.

I think this ice cream is spoiled.

Ice cream?

No, this is butter.

So you went on one bad date.

Except now I have to start all over again,

swiping and making sure people are real and getting dressed up

and getting my hopes up.

I don't know how you do it.

It's harder for you. You have standards.

Maybe trying to get back in the game is just delusional.

I might as well be in the woods searching for a lost cat.

Look. As your Alex "Hitch" Hitchens,

I need you to trust the process, OK?

You're not gonna end up alone.

You just might have to lower your standards a little.

Let's take a look at Eric again.

How often do you see somebody's bottom half?

You know, people sit at tables a lot.

Well, after he hurt himself,

he took off one of his toe shoes

and shook an insurance card out of it.

So... he has insurance.

Build on that.

She's going out with that Eric dude again?

Mommy has got to stop listening to Rusty.

And Mommy's special boy

is gonna do something about it.

I think maybe the cat was a metaphor.

For both of our things.

It wasn't even the right cat.

It was always a lost cause.

Like doing "And Just Like That..."

without Samantha. She was the glue.

So what now?

What's the point?

OK, hear me out.

Just for the sake of the movie,

what if I start gambling again,

and you go on a bender?

I mean,

if it's for the film and--

and it's just for one weekend.

One weekend tops.

OK, I overheard you and Uncle Rusty

talking last night. - What did I tell you

about listening to grown folks' business?

Jesus don't like it.

But I heard you say that you're not

even as good as Kevin James.

I had a low moment, OK?

Well, just watch.

So I got your autograph.

Maybe you can give me your number.

Oh-- - Thank you!

Wait for it.

Whew. Sorry I'm late.

The coffee guy took forever.

Coffee guy tried to give you his number.

Yeah. This is it.

You don't have to lower your standards.

And you don't need help from Rusty.

You just gotta, y'know, pay attention a little more.

That last guy was pretty cute.

I thought you'd say that.

That's why I tracked him down for you.

The same way I tracked down Brina for Reggie,

but with less time in Atlanta nightclubs.

- So, is he single? - Oh, he's single.

And he's an astronaut!

Unfortunately, he is already back in space.

But it's only for eight years.

Well, I do know where to find that coffee shop dude.

Yeah, I checked on him, too.

He is now in prison.

But for what?

- Mom. - For being sexy?

Oh, my--

I hate this.

I do still got it.

OK, let's run this back.

Hello! And here he is, as promised.

Oh, my God, Namath! Thank you!

Oh, I practice 4B, so this cat is my whole world.

How did you find her?

There are many reasons a lost cat might

seek shelter in a stranger's home--

escaping a predator, a coming storm, hatred.

Most cat behavior is motivated by hatred.

People said it was impossible,

but we found the cat.

Because there are no lost causes.

It was never a plan, always a metaphor!

Which means we can do anything.

We can do anything. I was gonna say that.

Yeah. Let's go!

We're invincible!

I don't get why Monica was grossed out.

I'm on that new all-butter diet.

The neighbor's kid told me about it.

He believed that?

Oh, my God, what a doofus!

Wait, what did Noah say?

Ha, ha, ha. OK, he got me.

Tonight, I'm gonna cut his trampoline.

Hmm.

- Good night, everybody! - Good night!