Original subtitles

Oh! I was thinking, maybe this Saturday,

you could take Daphne to the science center.

Oh, don't worry. I've got plans.

Mom, please don't take her to the makeup counter again.

But we haven't figured out her palette yet.

She barely has teeth.

She doesn't have a palate.

Not that "pa..." Never mind.

Listen, guess what- we're babysitting Daphne this weekend.

- Oh. - Yeah. 'Cause Courtney's going on her girls' trip,

and you're making me go to the electric car expo in San Diego.

I'm not making you go.

I just said, "One of us has to go, and it ain't gonna be me."

Thanks for clarifying.

Oh, baby, I'm excited.

We'll have fun with her.

Yeah. Now, babe, but, you know,

this weekend, we were supposed to...

(neighs, imitates galloping)

Hyah.

Hyah, hyah, hyah.

(grunting)

(protests)

Baby, that won't take all weekend.

(scoffs) Not with that attitude.

Okay! Bye!

Marty, it's all good.

Gemma and I have a painting class Saturday night.

Your dad can watch her then.

Just bring her over whenever you want.

Yeah...

Um, here's the thing.

I need you to stay at my place.

Why?

Well, you see how mobile Daphne's getting,

and your house isn't babyproofed.

So?

Our house wasn't babyproof when you were little,

and you survived.

Uh, yeah. Barely.

Remember the time I jumped off the top bunk

and knocked out a tooth?

It was a baby tooth.

You were gonna lose that anyway.

Plus, you learned something.

You never did it again.

Yes, he did. He thought the problem was

he wasn't wearing a cape.

Well, he doubled his money with the tooth fairy.

Oh, Calvin. Come on.

Marty is right.

Oh, about what?

You guys having a healthy debate?

I want in.

- Dave. - Mm.

Marty says that Daphne can't stay at our house

because it's not babyproofed.

- (scoffs) - Totally agree.

Thank you!

Mind your own business, Dave.

TINA: Oh, come on.

I want to watch Daphne at our house.

Yeah, of course you do.

And your place is a death trap.

I can hardly let Grover over there.

The potpourri in your powder room looks like corn chips.

Uh, your boy shouldn't be eating anything

- he finds in a bathroom. - Mm.

Uh, don't worry, Marty.

- We will babyproof. Mwah. - Thanks, Mama.

What are- what are you talking about? I didn't agree to that.

O-Okay. Um...

After some thought, yeah, I agree.

? Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ?

? Welcome to the hood. ?

Wedding gift.

Arabian oak.

Mm.

That may be, but...

I don't like the look of those corners.

What about the corners?

(grunts)

Let me show you.

(chuckles)

Oh.

Aw.

(imitates baby grunting)

Oh, God!

That's a concussion.

If you're lucky.

I'd recommend padded corner protectors.

Uh, uh, uh, done.

- D-Done? - Yeah.

Look, Tina, come on.

Babies have survived tables for centuries.

Calvin, we're doing this.

Now let's talk about this recliner.

(grunts)

Got a toddler just crawling around.

(baby voice): "Hey.

- Where's my horsey?" - Aw.

"He's so hungry. He wants some hay."

And then you sit up. (grunts)

Oh, God!

That's a broken arm.

If you're lucky.

Oh!

Daphne!

That is not Daphne.

Hey. (stammers) Hey, this is my chair, man.

Yeah. Well, I can put a recliner lock on it.

Well, then it would cease to be a recliner.

We'll take it, we'll take it, we'll take it!

Okay. (stammering) Is this expensive?

Can you really put a price on protecting your child's safety?

Well, you do.

You know what, fine. Come on.

Let me see the total. Come on.

Uh, here's what your rough estimate is so far.

(stammers)

Are you babyproofing just my house

or is this all of Pasadena?

You know what? No.

I'll babyproof the house myself. Come on.

It's time for you to go. You're out.

Hey, I-I-I think you're making a mistake.

I think you're taking too long to leave.

Go. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Oh, oh, oh.

- Mm. - And take Annabelle with you.

TINA: Uh!

But that was Daphne!

That is not Daphne.

? ?

Four, five,

and one more to go.

What about the cabinets?

They're full of glasses.

They're five feet off the ground, Dave.

She's a baby.

For now.

But, Calvin, babies grow up.

Yes. And when they do,

they get to drink out of glasses.

Uh, where's my screwdriver?

I put it in the drawer. It's very sharp.

Oh. (scoffs)

Okay, uh, uh, all right,

how do you open this thing? I don't even...

Well, you push, press,

- pull. - Press? You press it?

- And then you pull? And so push? - Oh, Calvin. This- Please.

- N-No. Look, I am- No. - You push.

- Don't do that first. You push... - I- You said- you said press.

- ...you press- - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You two are gonna wake Daphne.

Shh.

Dave locked my screwdriver in the drawer.

(sighs): Oh, Lord.

Why don't you just call the guy with the doll back

to come fix this?

No. No. That-

Baby, that man was a psychopath.

- Mm. - Yeah, yeah.

Look, I promise you- this house will be

perfectly Daphne-proofed.

Yeah, we'll even get rid of the potpourri

that looks like Fritos.

Nobody else eats it, Dave.

Well, I am going

to my Sip 'n Paint art class with Gemma, okay?

- Okay. - If Daphne wakes up,

remember, Marty said no screens.

You can play the shape-y game with her.

Oh. Yes.

She does love the shape-y game.

Yeah, she does.

Uh, can I play the shape-y game with her?

No. It's a Pop-Pop thing.

(chuckles softly)

- Mwah. - (Calvin mutters)

- I told you it was push, pull. - You never said-

- you never said press, push. - The first push

- was implied. - You told me to push the thing and I said-

- And I told you- - That is exactly- - Hey! Hey.

Press, pull, slide. It's not that hard.

? ?

Can't believe I've never been in your bathroom before.

Always imagined softer lighting in here.

Dave,

get your imagination out of my bathroom.

I get naked in here.

Are you sure you're putting that thing on right?

(knob clanks)

No.

You got me so annoyed,

the outside knob fell off.

Is that bad?

Yeah. It is now.

Because we're locked in.

Wait, so we're stuck in here?

(sighs)

O-O-Okay, all right.

Calvin, call 311.

What's 311?

Well, it's like 911 but not as urgent.

I left my phone outside. Where's yours?

Well, it's charging in the kitchen.

I didn't want it to be dead in case there was an emergency.

How's that working out for you?

Well, I'm pretty sure it's charged.

(thud)

What was that?

Was that Daphne?

No. She can't get out of her crib.

- (Daphne giggling) - (pattering)

Now is the time she figures out how to climb out of her crib?

A-All right. Okay, everything's fine.

The-the house is fully babyproof, right?

Well, we never got to those upper cabinets.

And, clearly, she's a climber.

(sighs)

This is very stressful. I've got to pee.

Y-You better hold it.

- I can't hold it! - Dave!

? ?

Good evening, my fellow artistes.

I hope everyone brought their muse tonight.

If not, try the Chablis.

- Oh. (chuckles) Thank you. - (chuckles) Okay,

just a little joke, everyone.

Tonight's inspiration is Girl in the Pink Dress

by Laura Wheeler Waring.

Ready, set,

feel.

I hope I'm not bad at this.

Oh, no, you'll be fine.

Just have fun.

And don't try to compare yourself to me.

Some of us just have a natural talent.

Oh, well, those were the teacher's words last time,

and I can't judge. I mean,

she would know what she's talking about. (laughs)

Gemma, what are you doing?

I'm making sure Grover's being safe with the microwave.

He's making himself dinner for the first time.

Gemma, he's 14.

When I was seven, I was frying bacon.

- Give me that. - Um...

Less of this

and more of this.

(chuckling)

And, besides,

Grover needs to learn life skills.

You just did Malcolm's laundry.

Scuse me, I did not.

Well, I didn't fold it.

Well, I folded the fitted sheets.

I mean, no man can fold fitted sheets.

G-Gemma, just shut up and let's paint.

? ?

H-Hey, Daphne.

It's your Uncle Dave.

Yeah. Now, you know what a phone is, right?

Yeah. N- It's right there.

Now pick it up.

Yeah. Yay!

You did it! And now bring

the pho... (stammers)

Wh-Why did you throw the phone?

She's got a good arm for a toddler, right?

DAVE: Well, now she's holding a stuffed animal.

Wh-What? Gimme.

That's not a stuffed animal, Dave.

That's Sandra.

Who's Sandra?

My favorite wig.

I've never seen you wear a wig before.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's Tina's.

It's named after Sandra from 227.

Used to have a crush on her back in the day.

Okay, no, take-take-take that off, baby.

Da- Yeah, okay.

- Okay, yes. She's picking up the phone again. - Okay.

Daph. Daph.

Bring the phone to Pop-Pop.

Yeah, j-just slide it under the door.

Come on. C...

N-No, no, no, no, no. (stammers)

- She's walking away. - (line ringing)

She's calling somebody. Who could she be calling?

All right, Calvin, get out of the way.

Daphne, don't worry!

Uncle Dave is coming!

- (groans) - Oh.

All right. Come on, come on. Get up.

You all right. You-you good?

All right, let's try the other shoulder.

Come on.

? ?

(exhales)

- Malcolm. - Oh, no!

Damn it, Trey. How did you get in here?

I have a key.

I didn't give you a key.

I didn't say you did.

Hey, this green juice in your fridge-

it has kale in it.

That's on purpose, Trey.

Weird.

Why are you doing slo-mo kung fu?

Uh, that is tai chi, okay?

It's about clearing the mind,

finding my balance, and...

centering my aura.

Ooh...!

What?

Man, you forgot where you came from.

- (sighs) - We used to eat gas station hot dogs.

Now you're drinking salad?

Please, I am the same man, okay?

(scoffs) Now,

if you don't mind scooting over... (clears throat)

I have to carry the moon.

Uh, well, when you set the moon down,

you've got, like, six missed calls from your dad.

Oh! What?! He must've forgot his streaming passwords again.

What's the emergency?

I got to catch him before he changes them, Trey.

$18 for this?

For $18,

the old Malcolm would've got a Big Gulp and a shirt.

? ?

Well, all right.

You're doing pretty good for a rookie.

But a little tip-

the painting's called Girl in Pink Dress,

so maybe a little less yellow.

It just spoke to me.

I think she wants to be yellow.

Ugh, this ros� is terrible.

It's white wine.

You dipped your paintbrush in it.

Huh.

Oh, in that case, it was pretty good.

Oh, man, my mom's not answering either.

You know,

this stuff really grows on you.

Like, the first two didn't do much for me,

but, this third one, it's hitting.

Three? You owe me $54, Trey.

Ooh, I'm not paying that for juice.

I can't just sit here.

I got to go check on my parents.

Hey.

You think my skin looks better?

Okay. Wow.

A lot of good painters here tonight.

But this person was doing more sipping than painting.

Whoa.

Whoever painted this has a real gift.

Mm. Well,

- I have been here before, so... - (chuckles)

- You know how it is. (chuckles) - The...

the emotions, the pain, the deep tones.

You really captured the Black experience.

Oh, stop it. But...

thank you.

- (chuckles) - (chuckles): Oh, wow.

Thank you so much.

No, not that one.

Wait, what?

This one.

This one screams Harlem Renaissance.

It does?

Yay!

But-but it's called Girl in Pink.

And-and that one is in yellow.

But it's not about copying.

It's about interpreting.

Yes.

And that is what a natural artist does.

Very good.

Yours is good, too, Tina.

Oh, yes, yes! It's very nice.

I would pull back on the shading a little bit.

- Yeah? - But, you know,

art is subjective, so...

if you like it,

I love it, my sister.

Very good job.

(chuckles)

She was drinking paint!

? ?

Okay. We're ready.

I've used dental floss to secure this loofah brush

to the accordion-fold shaving mirror.

Now all I have to do is

extend it into the other room

and drag the phone under the door.

You ready?

I'm ready to watch you do it.

Okay.

Watch and learn.

Uh...

Oh, yeah.

You did your thing, MacGyver.

Well, I don't see you coming up

- with any better ideas. - Ah.

You know what?

The shape-y game.

What?

The shape-y game.

That's what Daphne and Pop-Pop do.

We match the shapes with the holes.

Okay, well, play the shape-y game with her. Do it.

(stammering) Daphne? Uh...

? Daph-Daph puts the square in the square hole ?

? Pop-Pop puts the star in the star hole ?

? Then what does Daph-Daph do? ?

? Well, Daph-Daph puts the circle in the circle hole ?

Come here, baby. Yes, yes.

? And then, and then ?

? Pop-Pop puts the circle in the... ?

- Oh! Daph-Daph! - Yes! Yes!

- She saved Pop-Pop! - Okay, okay.

- Go get Daphne. - Okay.

Daph-Daph?

Daphne?

- Where is she? - Daph?

Daph-Daph.

- Where is she? - Daphne.

It's no time to play hide-and-seek.

And it's never the time for this type of vandalism.

Dave.

- Help me find her before, you know- - (door opens)

- Oh. - Hey, hey.

Oh! Uh...

Marty! Wow!

Hey, you're- So you're-you're home early.

Oh. Yeah, I-I decided not to spend the night.

You know, the people at electric battery conventions

are not the party animals you would expect.

Go figure, huh?

Yeah. (chuckles) Uh...

- Wow. - Yeah.

You let Daphne really trash the place.

Oh, man. Well, you know, Pop-Pop time.

You know, I-I can't say no. I can't.

(chuckles) All right, well, I'll just go get her out of her crib.

Yeah, she's not in her crib.

What? She should be asleep now.

And she might be.

As far as we know.

Dad?

(stammers)

We're playing hide-and-seek.

And, you know, we're doing the seeking. That's all.

Oh. Okay, well, game's over, because...

(silly voice): the Daddy Monster always finds

his Daphne...!

Oh-ho-ho!

(Daphne giggling)

Daphne!

Ah!

I found you!

Thank God she's still in the house.

MARTY: Dad?

What's going on here?

Okay.

You know what, full disclosure is, uh...

we were babyproofing the house,

as you requested,

and Dave and I got stuck in the bathroom

for a few minutes.

A few minutes? More like two hours.

David.

You said "full disclosure."

(protests)

L-Look, you know, here's the thing, is that Daphne is fine.

And the house was babyproof, so everything was safe.

And even more important-

your mother needs to not know anything about any of this.

Okay, fine.

So how are you gonna explain the wall?

What wall?

Oh, damn.

? ?

? ?

- (door opening) - (Tina sighs)

GEMMA: Come on, Tina.

You're not really mad at me, are you?

I don't know.

I mean, you know so much about the Black experience-

why don't you tell me how I feel?

So, uh, fun night?

Sure. Is Daphne asleep?

Oh, actually, Marty came back early from San Diego

and took her home.

But we had fun. (chuckles)

Oh, good.

Oh, wow.

Wow!

Oh!

This is fantastic.

Talk about Harlem Renaissance.

Man, you did your thing, babe. (chuckles)

Uh...

Actually, I did my thing.

Whoa.

- Gem-Gemma, you did this? - Mm-hmm.

Have you been taking secret art classes?

Why does everybody keep asking me that?

Hey, hey, but, oh, this one is nice, too.

Wow. This is real-

You know what?

I actually like this one better.

It's the shading that I love.

Uh, fun hanging out with you tonight!

She did not enjoy the class.

Gosh, Gemma,

this is really, really good.

Aw!

Oh.

Why does your breath smell like paint?

Um...

Why is Sandra out?

Dave?

Were you in Tina's closet?

- Yes. - Yes. Yes.

And why are there wet Cheerios in her?

David.

Did you put Cheerios in Tina's wig?

- Yes. - Dave!

Should I be worried?

Yes.

Hey, Pop!

Are you okay?

Yeah. Uh, why?

Because you called me, like, six times.

Ooh. We should scoot.

You called Malcolm six times?

Why?

Malcolm,

I-I-I called you because...

I forgot the password to the streamers.

Oh. Man, see? I knew it.

Pop, they are all saved on your phone.

You just got to turn on the facial recognition.

I don't want them people knowing my face.

Mm-mm.

Well, I'm gonna let you two figure it out.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

- Good night. - What happened to the wall?

- Wall? - Oh.

Calvin.

I'm out.

- Me, too. - No, you're not.

It was Dave.

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