Original subtitles

Captioning made possible by Warner Bros.

[Organ playing dramatic bach composition]

♪ Happy birthday to fu ♪

♪ happy birthday to fu ♪

♪ happy birthday, fu pasha ♪

♪ happy birthday to fu ♪

♪ happy birthday to fu ♪

[Louder] ♪ happy birthday to fu ♪

♪ happy birthday, fu manchu ♪

♪ happy birthday to fu ♪

Tong.

Yes, master.

Today...

I am...

168 years old.

That is because of my elixir vitae,

source of life and youth.

Bring forth the elixir vitae

and let me drink.

[Gong]

Your face is familiar.

I shall now drink

of the elixir vitae,

and you shall all witness

the eighth wonder of the world.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

You have poured my life away.

Mercy, master!

Mercy, mercy!

Ismail.

Torture him,

Bury him alive in the red anthill.

Also, sever his left ear like Van gogh.

Yes, fu pasha.

Yes, fu pasha.

We have only 6 months

to gather the most precious

and closely guarded ingredients in the world.

Ingredients that will make up my new elixir vitae.

Dacoits!

You'll go into training immediately.

Toughen yourselves up.

Make yourselves like steel

while I plot the most daring robberies of all time.

We have not one moment to lose.

Go! Train hard!

No smoking!

Lights out 9:00!

All weekend leave to Nepal canceled!

We leave for Washington and London tonight!

I shall be traveling first class.

Now first...

I must think of a good title.

Fu manchu: Yes, that will do very nicely.

[Speaking Chinese]

Ready to start training session.

[Speaking Chinese]

Begin!

[Speaking Chinese]

[Speaking Chinese]

[Speaking Chinese]

Leningrad workers exhibition

presents many and varied aspects of life

of Russian people and of communism.

Here is engineering.

In display of social progress,

we will see examples of Soviet home appliances.

We then view star of Leningrad diamond.

Then we peruse various wallpapers and paint.

Please notice that our domestic machineries are extra modern.

All invention original Soviet.

This way, please, for the star of Leningrad diamond.

The star of Leningrad is one of the pair

of the finest canary diamonds known to man.

Its twin was presented by czar nicolai to his cousin

king George v of england.

It is known as the George v diamond

and is kept in London.

The 2 diamonds are identical

in both color, weight, and quality.

[Rattling]

Keep the change.

Right, right, right you are.

And bring in some tea, will you?

Those chaps from the FBI have arrived.

Thank you.

Well, Peter, I hope you like tea.

Why?

'Cause you're gonna be up to your ass in it

before we're through here. Yes.

I don't like it. I don't like it one little bit.

No, neither do I, uncle.

I don't like it.

I don't like it one little bit.

Robert, I have just said that.

That is my own personal expression.

And will you please stop calling me uncle?

Oh, I'm so sorry, commissioner.

Ah, I'm commissioner Avery,

and you're mister, uh...

Giuseppe Capone.

Federal bureau of investigation.

How do you do?

You can call me Joe.

Thank you very much.

This is my assistant Pete Williams.

How do you do?

This is my assistant,

detective inspector townsend.

How do you do?

Pleased to meet you.

How do you do?

Well, great to be here.

It's a pleasure to have you.

Is the weather always this piss-poor?

No. We have several bright days every year.

Won't you come sit down over there, gentlemen?

Oh, thanks.

Robert, do the tea.

Here comes the tea.

I gather you have

a rather tricky situation

on your hands.

Tricky? We got a ball buster, commissioner.

A real ball buster.

Really?

The russkies got their ass in an uproar

about this canary diamond thing.

They are upset.

The whole bureau is running around

trying to solve this thing.

Pete, will you show 'em the evidence?

J. Edgar hoover needs your help.

Ah, yes.

Yes, yes, very interesting.

The si fan.

The most diabolical

secret oriental organization in the world.

You know 'em, then?

Yes, we do indeed.

Our own superintendent nayland Smith,

a legend of the yard in his day.

Hey, nayland Smith.

That's the guy we came over to see.

Unfortunately he was captured by the si fan.

Poor chap.

He's never been the same since.

Hoover thought he was the top authority

on chink crime in the whole world.

No, I'm afraid he's retired.

He wouldn't be any help to you.

Retired?

Well, for Christ sakes,

let's get him out of retirement.

[Mumbled singing]

Your lemonade, sir?

Thank you, Perkins.

Lovely day.

For the time of year, sir.

Yes.

Thank you, Perkins.

Thank you, sir.

[Singing]

We have to look out for a large pond!

With a poplar tree next to it?

Yes. How'd you know?

Because there's a pond down there

with a poplar tree next to it.

Pump, you bum, pump!

I'm pumping.

He's got to be around here somewhere.

Don't you have his address or a map or something?

A map would be worse than useless.

At least we found the pond.

Uncle, listen.

[Distant singing]

Yes, it's him.

I knew it, I knew it. It's him.

Hello there, nayland!

Hello!

Who is it?

I know the voice.

I can't see. Who is it?

Roger Avery.

I'm here with Robert townsend

and 2 friends from america.

Avery.

My dear Avery.

You're brown as a Berry. What have you been doing?

Just in the office in Scotland yard

in the shade.

In the shade in the yard?

In your office, and you're brown as a Berry.

Just like the aga Khan.

How do you do it? What have you been up to?

Tell me, nayland, old bean, how are you?

Oh, yes. Yes, yes.

Well, getting by, getting by.

At least these days I don't need a guide dog.

Oh, I am so glad.

Yes.

This lawnmower is of much more use to me

than you would ever imagine.

It's become something...

Of a friend.

It's some time since you've seen young Robert, isn't it?

Robert.

Little Robert. How are you?

How you've grown.

Oh, no, sir.

It's you who've grown, sir.

Is it?

These are 2 special agents from america.

Let's go.

Wait.

Peter Williams and Joe Capone of the FBI.

How do you do? Delighted to meet you.

The FBI? The FBI reminds me of j. Edgar hoover.

I was once of some paltry assistance to him

in putting down the tong wars in San Francisco.

♪ Oh, San Francisco ♪

♪ open your golden gates ♪

♪ da da da da ♪

♪ da da da ♪

Do you know, whenever I hear that song,

it reminds me of Clark gable, Spencer Tracy,

and Jeanette MacDonald.

Superintendent, superintendent.

We're here on special duty.

Do you mind if we get down to brass tacks?

Which particular brass tacks are you referring to?

I myself spoke to the president of the United States.

You did?

What did he say?

Well...

Well, he naturally started off with,

"hello, commissioner Avery."

Yes, well, I should think he did.

It's a long way to call from Washington

just to say, "hello, commissioner Avery."

Is he a friend of yours?

No. He began with "hello, commissioner Avery,"

and then he went on to matters

of a most severe and urgent nature.

An urgent nature call.

Joe: We're in the middle of a highly explosive

international incident.

The principal state treasure of Russia,

the Leningrad diamond, was stolen

while on exhibition in the Washington museum.

My boss, j. Edgar hover, has a hunch the chinks did it.

Take over a minute, will you?

Be gentle with her.

Uh, Mr. Capone.

Tell me, Mr. Capone,

why is it you suspect the Chinese chinks?

Well, this card, sir.

And we also have pictures of the robber.

Yes.

I suggest we go inside and have tea.

Tea.

Ohh!

Perkins, these 2 gentlemen are from San Francisco.

Oh, yes?

Actually it's Washington, D.C.

Oh, I see.

How do you do?

You know sir Roger Avery, of course.

Yes, of course I do.

Yes, yes. Do you have any pictures?

Oh, yes, photographs.

Very lovely place you have here.

We're very, very fond of it.

Nice collection of butterflies.

Yes, indeed. We have many items of interest.

Right. Would you like milk or lemon?

Don't you have any coffee?

No. We don't drink much coffee around here, sir.

May I suggest...

Quite amazing.

Joe: What the hell is that?

Perkins: Chinese tea, sir.

Is that what the chinks drink?

When they can't find anything else, yes.

Yes.

Well, if you'd like to make yourself comfortable

over there, sir.

Thank you very much.

And you, sir, over there.

Cunning devil. Yes.

Yes.

Yes, yes.

Yes.

Yes.

This is definitely the work of the si fan, gentlemen.

The spider grasped the diamond

with 2 of its legs.

A spider stole the diamond?

Yes, a mechanical model spider,

made by the only man in the world capable of so doing,

the insidious Dr. Fu manchu.

Roger: Good heavens, nayland.

What is that?

No, no, no, no.

But it was fashioned by the perverted mind of fu manchu.

Happens to be my favorite piece of fu memorabilia.

This fellow followed me 500 miles up the nile

till I eventually cornered it in a pyramid.

There, now, off you go.

Aah!

Robert: I'm sorry. I thought it was real.

Robert, do you think we'd be sitting here

like half-wits if it were real?

Do sit down.

Perkins.

Sweep that up, will you?

I'll repair it later.

Keep a sharp lookout for any small screws.

Yes, of course.

What has the past got to do with the present?

Our files show that fu manchu died about...

Pete: 1890.

Exactly. If he died in 1890,

was alive today, that would make him--

168.

Exactly. Precisely.

Don't worry, Perkins. I'll pour the tea.

Nayland: What was that you were saying, Mr. Capone?

Joe: You said he was 168 years old.

Yes, that's right.

And alive?

Yes. He may well be alive

and 168, Mr. Capone.

Shortly before I retired,

there were 3 apparently unconnected robberies.

Imperial Japanese diamond disappeared,

the yeti mummy went absent from the Zagreb museum,

and the Balkan regent diamond

vanished without a trace.

Together these add up to the ingredients

of an elixir vitae.

What is that?

Elixir vitae?

Mankind's dream of eternal youth.

Some fantastic mixture.

Boy's old paper fantasy.

I used to read that sort of thing under the blankets.

Stuff and nonsense.

Yes, to you, it may be stuff and nonsense,

but to me the elixir vitae

is an esoteric knowledge

shared only by fu manchu and myself.

We are kindred spirits, you see.

Although he is evil to my good,

yea to my nay, yin to my Yang.

Nayland, you think too much.

Thinking is unhealthy.

We certainly discourage it at the yard.

Look at Robert. It's very morbid.

Why don't you return with US to London and help US?

Heh heh.

Yes.

I've been waiting for your call.

I knew you'd come for me

sooner or later.

Is everything packed?

Oh, yes, sir. Everything's packed.

Just a moment. Where are you going?

We've come from British restoration society

for king lullmull-tullmull mummy.

Here authorization paper.

He's in the Egyptian room, end of the hall, mate.

We'll bring it back to you

when restoration society make sure it's not fake.

Glad old lullmull-tullmull's going.

Gives me the shivers.

Read all about it.

Thanks, madam.

British museum burgled. Old mummy stolen.

[Speaking Italian]

A diamond for Joe Stalin.

No, no rub out Joe Stalin. Everybody get mad.

[Speaking Italian] Don't get excited.

Ah, good. I see that nayland's here.

Yes, he's in the library checking some files.

Does he take this lawnmower everywhere?

It would appear so.

Ever since he was tortured by the si fan,

he does seem to need something to lean on.

Joe: Fu manchu. It's a chu.

Fu manchu.

Bless you, too, ok.

His brother al Capone.

Italian.

Really?

Scotland with a yard.

I'll call you back.

It's too noisy where you are.

Too much machine gun.

[Speaks Italian]

Joe: He's got his troubles with his own canaries.

Morning, nayland.

Take a look at this, will you?

It was found at the museum after the robbery yesterday.

Hey, so the si fan is around your neck, too.

Nayland, don't you find it strange

that the si fan stole the lullmull-tullmull mummy,

which is the least valuable of them all?

Yes.

Tell me, Mr. Capon--

Capone, sir.

Yes, yes, Capone. Excuse me.

Do you happen to know offhand

the exact weight of the star of Leningrad?

Yes, sir. It's, uh...

75.75 carats. Origin: Ural mountains.

75.75 carats.

Yup.

Hey, its twin is right here in London.

It's called the, uh...

King George v diamond.

Yes, yes.

Yes, yes.

Well, there you have it.

Fu manchu has exhausted his supply of elixir vitae

and is at present assembling a new amount.

He needs exactly 151.5 carats of canary diamonds

for the formula, which is, of course,

the combined weight of the star of Leningrad

and the George v diamond.

So they want our diamond now, do they?

Well, we'll see to that.

Where is it anyway?

Tower of London.

Quite frankly, I am amazed at your concern,

Roger, old bean.

We have the finest security system

in the world here at the tower.

With our stalwart yeoman warders,

not even an army of fuzzy wuzzies

could break in here.

We can't be too careful, nules, old chap.

After all, the Americans

and the Russians are involved.

Don't you think you and I

ought to have a little chat?

If you wish.

Look, why don't we discuss this over lunch?

I know a splendid little restaurant

just around the corner.

French?

No. Marvelous Chinese.

You like Chinese, sir?

No.

This torture's for you, fu pasha?

Of course. Yes.

I got the idea from sing sing.

Prison in america.

It was a primitive form

of electromagnetic energy.

It might just keep me going a few days longer

until the king George diamond is mine.

Ismail.

Connect the wires.

Hello, boys.

I see, nules, that you don't use chopsticks.

No. I can't get enough food on them.

You see, I don't think fu manchu

will make an attempt on the George v diamond.

It's not his style.

What do you mean, nayland?

I think he will try to kidnap their majesties

and hold them hostage until the government

is forced to hand over the diamond.

Good lord.

I don't like it, uncle.

Keep calm, keep calm.

Their majesties are

and always will be protected at all times.

Yes, but how?

This chink genius is 168 years old.

He's got a lot of experience.

It's quite simple.

You merely use people

made up to resemble the king and queen.

Resemble the king and queen, nayland?

Yes. In your times,

on page 11 of the court diary,

you'll notice that their majesties have several

public engagements to perform.

I've got it.

You want to put doubles in their places.

Not doubles, decoys.

Decoys?

Yes, decoys, bait.

Bait to draw the enemy into the open.

Yeah.

You see?

That way we may even capture fu manchu himself

and retrieve your canary diamond for you.

How would you like that?

Nayland, you do that, you're one great limey bastard.

Take it from me.

That's very decent of you. Thank you.

Robert: I don't know anybody

who resembles the royals one little bit.

Roger: They'll have to be recruited

from the ranks of the police force.

We could inspect a whole lot of them,

the way they do in the proper theater.

You mean try them out?

Joe: We could hold auditions,

like on Broadway. The girls trot out...

[Laughing]

We could have auditions. Have some girls,

some lady constables come out and have auditions.

Oh, yes, yes.

Of course, they'd have to be healthy.

Uh, next we have constable Vera groin.

[Playing jazzy britannia rules the waves]

She's, uh, pretty damn good,

but, uh, does the queen ride a unicycle that much?

She doesn't look anything like this picture

of the queen, does she?

Nayland, he's absolutely right.

I don't think the queen

would ever ride a contraption like that,

and I think we've seen enough of this one.

Uh, thank you very much, constable groin.

That was excellent.

Robert, we'll have the next one, please.

Pick one.

Uh...

Constable Alice, Alice rage.

[Playing saxophone]

She plays that thing well there, doesn't she?

She's the best we've seen yet.

And there's something about her.

She's so damned healthy looking, isn't she?

She's got the best set of muscles

I've ever seen, on any cop.

[Laughter]

Very good, well done, well done.

Bravo.

Um, i--ahem.

I'd now like to entertain you with a selection

from my song-and-tap-dance numbers.

♪ On the good ship ♪

♪ lollipop ♪

♪ it's a sweet trip ♪

♪ to a candy shop ♪

♪ where bonbons play ♪

♪ on the sunny beach of peppermint bay ♪

♪ lemonade stands ♪

♪ everywhere ♪

♪ crackerjack bands ♪

♪ fill the air ♪

♪ and there you are ♪

♪ happy landing on a chocolate bar ♪

♪ On the good ship ♪

♪ lollipop ♪

♪ it's a night trip ♪

♪ into bed, you hop ♪

♪ and dream away ♪

♪ on the good ship lollipop♪

Very good.

Excellent.

Thank you, constable rage.

Roger: Wonderful.

Excellent.

You've got the job, constable rage.

"Her majesty queen Mary

"will visit the botanical gardens

"at kew tomorrow morning

"and be presented with a scroll

"commemorating her years of support of British botany.

"Also, she will view some rare plant life

never before exhibited."

Look, wretch.

Notice how she appears tired.

If she should yawn,

she would give off

an ingenuous yet highly anesthetic gas.

Watch out.

If you should breathe that,

you would be rendered instantly unconscious,

for anything up to 48 hours, don't you know?

Make sure that plant is in position

by 11:00 tomorrow morning.

I think we'll be all right, Robert.

Our chaps have got the place

completely surrounded.

If your majesty would be so kind as to pause here,

there are a few words I would like to say

on behalf of the society.

Ahem.

Your majesty,

on behalf of the British society of botanists,

we wish to present you with this scroll,

commemorating your lifelong support

to British botany.

Queen: Thank you.

Thank you.

[Queen clears throat]

"It gives me great pleasure to accept this honor.

"Since I was a very young child,

"one of my great loves has been the flora.

"How well I remember

"cultivating my secret garden

"at sandringham,

"and fosdyke, our head gardener,

"coming to give me...

Little tips..."

Ohh.

Aah, gas!

Gas!

Gas!

[Chattering]

[Whistle blowing]

Aah!

Nayland Smith, nayland Smith.

Are you sure it was nayland Smith?

Yes, master. We know nayland Smith.

Was it? Was it?

Yes, master.

So, my old enemy is back.

I have very little time.

You must defeat Smith.

He is very clever and very dangerous.

Yes.

Hmm.

[Sighs]

Only fu manchu could have created such a...

Diabolical mutation.

Luther Burbank would be appalled.

I wonder what his next trick is gonna be.

[Telephone rings]

Robert.

[Ring]

If memory serves,

this week, their majesties

are dining at the guild hall

and also attending

the first night of the theater

at the theater.

Robert: Hello.

Now, that might be very tricky.

Commissioner Avery's office.

Oh.

Your majesty.

Yes, I'll get him for you.

Uncle, it's the king.

Joe: The king?

Hmm.

Good evening, your majesty.

Avery here.

As you seem to take no notice of my equerry,

we are telephoning you personally

to inform you that her majesty and I

refuse to stand any more

of this cloak-and-dagger nonsense.

We will, therefore, be attending

the first night of the theater.

I understand, your majesty.

Good-bye, your majesty.

I don't like it.

I don't like it one little bit.

Robert! I don't want to hear a word out of you!

[Knock on door]

Come in!

Ah, your majesty.

Constable. Williams, will you kindly...

Bring out a chair for the lady?

I'm glad you're here because I, uh--

we want to talk to you about your work.

Oh, yes, commissioner Avery.

Yes, we love our work.

Splendid. The thing is, I'm afraid you won't be

impersonating her majesty tomorrow night, your majesty.

I--constable, constable.

But we were so looking forward to the show.

We do love the theater, you see.

Quite, but there's been a change of plan, you see.

I--i just heard from the palace.

I actually spoke to the king.

You mean my performance isn't satisfactory?

No.

Nothing to do with that.

Nothing to do with it at all.

Really.

In fact, your performance was entirely satisfactory.

Simply that, uh, their majesties

have decided to--to be themselves tomorrow night.

I see.

But there are plans, plans that will require

all of your skill as a policewoman...

Yes.

And every ounce of your magnificent talent

as an actress.

In that case, I give my consent.

[Orchestra tuning up]

Ah. Look.

There's one of the little blighters in the orchestra.

That's not a flute he's got there.

It's a blowpipe.

Joe: Gotcha.

He's putting a dart into it right now.

Yes.

Pete: I've spotted another dacoit

in the audience.

Where?

Oh, yes.

Now, if fu manchu has told him to suck, not blow,

we may have half of a chance.

Yeah.

Well, uh, what are you gonna do about it?

Nothing. Nothing.

Softy, softy, catch a monkey.

Right.

Look, there's one dressed as an usherette.

He's in a good position for the kill.

Let's go get her-- or him.

No, no, no.

No guns, please.

Not in here.

Might chip the plaster.

Don't do that.

[Audience cheering]

Holy mackerel!

The flunkies.

The dacoits, they're in the box.

Yes.

That's right, Joe.

Right.

Just perfect.

Their majesties are coming.

[Drumroll]

[Orchestra playing god save the king]

[Murmuring]

[Scuffling] Aah!

[Scuffling]

5 king George vs

and 5 queen Marys.

Nayland Smith again.

That is very good news.

Why is it good news, master?

Because I am in no condition to receive bad news.

I shall fine you each 1,000 yen.

But you don't pay US, master.

Then I shall start paying you

in order to fine you.

[Sighs]

Well, onto the next bit.

[Moans]

[Muttering]

[Muttering]

[Dog barking]

Perkins!

Perkins!

The yellow fiend has taken delight!

Without it, you're a broken man.

Dacoits!

What is your bidding, master?

You can't fool me

with that cheap cinematic trick.

Where will her majesty be next week?

She go to buy antiques at shop beside windsor castle.

Famous antique dealer, master.

She visit him.

Who?

Charles rotten.

[Moaning]

Ah, you look, master, just like rotten.

Shame about that lawnmower.

I sure wish nayland were here.

But you must admit I did warn you

that he was a bit unstable.

He is a little spooky,

but you got to admit he's done a great job until now.

[Cheering, chattering]

I need the... A quick one.

A quick charge.

Lamp!

Go.

Aah!

Must say, it's very good.

Yes, master.

[People cheering, chattering]

I had no idea that mere domestic current

could be so stimulating, don't you know?

Master, Mrs. Queen, she come.

And remember...

No bungling this time.

[Bell on door rings]

No, master.

It won't be necessary for you to accompany me, bedser.

We have known Mr. Rotten for years.

But my instructions are to remain with you,

your majesty.

Pittle poo!

Keep to your place, bedser.

[Bell on door rings]

Good afternoon, your majesty.

Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Rotten.

And how are you?

All the better for seeing you, mum.

Before I present my unique collection

of Chinese Jade,

may I humbly suggest that you peruse

some rare and ancient bessarabian tapestries

that have just arrived.

New tapestries?

Oh, that sounds very interesting.

Allow me.

What the hell's going on?

The queen wouldn't allow me in, sir.

You left the queen in there alone?

That actress of yours

is becoming a right prima Donna, sir.

Now, this 16th century tapestry

may just be as exquisite

as anything you have yet seen, hmm?

Yes, it's... Sort of picturesque.

Yes. The dyes used in it

are extracted from the knees

of the bessarabian aardvark.

Uh, rather after the fashion

of the early phoenicians.

Aah!

Aah!

Master, quick, come! Quickly here!

Oh, a royal egg roll.

Ohh.

Ohh.

Master, master!

Get the door, will you? Get the door!

I'm getting it! I'm getting it!

Alice!

Open the door!

Constable! We're coming, we're coming.

[Horn honks]

[Fu manchu groaning]

Switch on the power.

That's better.

Unroll the queen.

I was nearly suffocating in there.

Fear nothing, your majesty.

You would not have suffocated.

There are several large moth holes in that carpet.

You are safe in my care.

And are you who I think you are?

I am emperor of the si fan,

grand master of the 7 suns,

graduate of the university of Indiana medical school,

ph.d., d.D.S., and doctor of veterinary medicine.

I am Dr. Fu manchu.

Well, I am not her majesty queen Mary.

I am Alice rage, a police constable,

and you're all under arrest.

What?!

Another counterfeit queen.

Curses on you, nayland Smith.

Ohh!

I did not know that they used such...

Fantastic creatures at Scotland yard.

Come.

Let US sit and talk this over,

like civilized people.

Tell me, my dear,

may I tempt you to some...

[Speaking Chinese]

Oh. What's that?

It's a rare Chinese wine.

This one is vintage 1812.

I must warn you,

it's rather addictive

and 100% proof,

but very delightful.

Oh.

Lovely.

Well, to your beauty, your bravery,

and your health.

Uh, Dr. Fu manchu,

I should warn you that anything you say

may be taken down and used in evidence against you.

Please feel free, my dear. Feel free.

Feel free.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Do you like it?

Oh.

Oh. It's wonderful.

May I ask you a favor?

Don't call me fu manchu.

Call me Fred.

Fred was what I was called at eton.

Were you at eton?

Oh, yes. Many years ago.

Many, many years ago.

I ran their laundry for them.

All those white colors, yes.

Have some more.

I won't say no.

Why not finish the bottle?

After all, as they used to say in the Navy--

there's only one way to go.

[Laughing]

My dear,

you must have some deeper ambition.

Surely you don't want to remain a policewoman

all of your life.

Do you know that's the funniest thing

you should guess that, you know?

Because I've got such a burning desire

to go on the stage.

The stage?

Yes. I'm an aspiring singer, tap dancer,

and I play a little bit of saxophone as well.

My great dream is to go into musicals.

The musicals?

Do you know the musical

has been one of my great pursuits and delights

since I was a young man?

Do you know any of those good old musical songs?

Oh, I know ever so many.

My favorite is daddy wouldn't buy me a bowwow.

Daddy wouldn't buy me a bowwow!

Oh, I know it well.

My dear, if I were to accompany you

on the piano forte,

would you be so kind as to render it for me?

Oh, I'd be delighted, Fred-- Dr. Fred, I mean.

Oh, I love it! I love it!

Let's have some fun.

Now, then...

Now, then, what key, my dear?

Uh, "b" flat, please.

"B" flat.

Uh, a subtle key,

proud yet not presumptive.

One of our drier keys.

[Both laughing]

[Playing piano]

♪ Daddy wouldn't buy me a bowwow ♪

♪ daddy wouldn't buy me a bowwow ♪

♪ I've got a little cat ♪

♪ and I'm very fond of that ♪

♪ but I'd rather have a bowwow-wow ♪

Both: ♪ daddy wouldn't buy me a bowwow ♪

♪ bowwow ♪

♪ daddy wouldn't buy me a bowwow ♪

♪ bowwow ♪

♪ I've got a little cat ♪

♪ and I'm very fond of that ♪

♪ but I'd rather have a bowwow-wow ♪

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo, master!

Bravo, master!

[Yelling]

[Speaking Chinese]

[Speaking Chinese]

He is saying that sir nules thudd,

the man that guards the George v diamond,

is eating huge amounts of food

in my restaurant.

Is that thing one of my waiters?

Yes, master.

They all look the same to me.

Take him away, put him in the kitchens,

in oyster sauce.

Ian, go to the sauna

and fetch me one of my new platinum saxophones.

Alice: Oh, words fail me.

[Snaps]

I won't keep you one brief moment, my dear.

So that is sir nules thudd.

He's of byzantine proportions.

One can hardly believe he is capable of guarding anything,

let alone the crown jewels.

Ohh.

Ohh.

I shall invent an entirely new torture

against which there is no possible defense.

Arrange for sir nules thudd

to visit my good friend, Dr. Arnold wretch,

the obesity specialist on Harley street, will you?

Yes, master.

[Saxophone playing]

Oh, I...

I suppose you think I am too old

for such a young and ravishing creature such as yourself.

How old are you?

Uh, I am 168.

Oh. I don't think age matters.

Anyway...

Fred...

You're only as old as you feel.

Alice...

Stay with me and become my queen.

You shall have servants to attend your every need.

You shall be soothed and massaged in rare oils.

You shall bathe in ass' milk.

You shall have everything your heart ever desired.

Oh, Fred.

I hope you're not taking advantage of me,

because...

You know, I could really fall for you.

I give you my word.

Play the saxophone for me, Alice.

Of course.

Oh, no.

I can't play the saxophone

in my queen Mary disguise, can I?

I mean, that would be treacherous.

What a dreadful pity.

But, um, do you have somewhere

I could take it off?

Oh. Oh, yes.

Yes.

Come with me.

Don't mind me.

I'm just a feeble old man.

Ohh.

Huh!

[Heavy breathing]

Ohh.

[Knuckles crack]

[Fu manchu gasps]

Is there anything else you wish...

To remove?

Only my...Truncheon.

Ohh.

It's still warm.

Ohh. Ohh ohh.

The cause of this disease

is much...Too much Chinese food.

But this is devastating.

I'm a Chinese food addict.

Is there any chance that I could survive?

Perhaps.

But only if you apply yourself

to the rigid and utterly spartan diet

and special exercise.

But would that work?

You have a slim chance if, I repeat,

if you combine the diet

with walking through grasslands over hill and Dale.

Wimbledon common, for example.

On 3-foot stilts for 5 miles a day.

You just might make it.

I'll do it. I'll do anything,

but I haven't the slightest idea

how to walk on stilts.

[Grunting]

[Sniffs]

Start dragon!

[Blowing]

[Sniffing]

[Gong bangs]

[Grunting]

[Panting]

This is a private buffet, sir.

It is not open to the public.

It is my personal Chinese buffet.

I am the lady warrington minge.

Please, just let me look.

I promise you, I won't touch.

It's so beautiful. I only want to look.

Oh, well, I suppose a little look can't do any harm.

I've never seen anything so...

So devastating, so luscious,

so tempting.

Ohh! Pekinese cowfish!

Note the hot mustard and the plum sauce.

Ahh.

The plum sauce.

Shall I show it all to you?

Ohh.

Would you like to see the best part?

Oh, please! Yes, please!

I will see it all! Ohh!

You can look 'cause we agreed,

but you mustn't touch.

Oh, duck, I love you. Duck, I must have you.

I cannot live without you.

There is a way, you know?

A way? Thank god, and what is that?

Come with me, and I will introduce you

to the most famous Chinese caterer in London.

Mr. Foo.

Mr. Foo! Ooh!

This is Mr. Foo.

My compliments, sir. My compliments.

It looks as if a little bargain

is in the making.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Indubitably, indubitably, yes.

I understand your compulsion completely.

My compulsion

is for the color yellow.

Don't you know?

Yes, yes, of course.

I understand that, of course, yes.

My lifelong desire

is to have one brief moment

gazing at the most beautiful yellow of all--

the king George v diamond.

No. No, no, no.

No, not that. No, no. Not that.

Not that.

But my request is so small.

Ohh.

I...

I am overcome.

Lady minge,

do you realize that if this gets out,

I shall be compelled

to leave the country in disgrace?

Oh, don't worry about that.

Mr. Foo has Chinese restaurants

all over the world,

but if you don't get US in there,

you'll never see another noodle in your life.

[Knock knock]

Who comes there?

The keys.

Whose keys?

King George v's keys.

Who is king George v's key bearer?

I am the king key bearer of king George v's keys.

Open the grille, sergeant,

that you may examine my visage.

Whose visage shall I see if I open the grille?

The visage of the king key bearer.

Oh, come along, sergeant, you...

You know me, you know my voice.

I'm sir nules thudd!

Yeah. Yeah, that is your visage, sir nules.

Of course it is.

You've interrupted a ceremony.

Now we've got to start at the beginning.

Look, sergeant,

can't you see that i'm trying to save time?

I have a private party who need to view

the king George v diamond.

Well, except your good lady,

why is your party all dressed as beefeaters?

They're Chinese, aren't they?

It is not for US to reason why, sergeant.

Well, we'll just-- we'll go from "all's well,

god save the king, hurrah, hurrah."

I'm not cutting that bit out.

There won't be nothing left.

It'll make a travesty of the whole thing.

All's well. God save the king.

Hurrah, hurrah.

All: All's well. God save the king.

Hurrah, hurrah.

Enter the chamber!

I will let loose the portals.

Excuse me, sir.

The si fan have returned your lawnmower.

Yes. I dreamt it.

Your delight, sir.

She's back with US again.

The dynamic trio, so to speak.

Extra! Extra!

Read all about it!

Crown jewels stolen!

Tower of London burgled!

Famous diamond stolen!

I shall have to leave the country, of course.

I'll, uh, take my stilts with me.

When Roosevelt hears about this new development,

he's gonna plotz.

He's gonna what?

Pete's and my asses are on the line.

Yeah, we're up the creek without a paddle.

I don't like it one little bit.

The head vicar

wants king George's diamond or else.

I keep telling you fellas,

this guy's really pissed off.

What do I suggest, Robert?

We haven't got king George's diamond anymore.

[Joe speaking Italian]

Nules, I have to say it is all your fault.

He promised me that he would only gaze upon the diamond.

[Telephone rings]

Yes? Dr. Who?

Fu who?

Manchu.

Nayland, it's Dr. Fu manchu for you.

Smith here.

How do I know you're not an impostor?

Over speaker: You know me, Smith. I'm no impostor.

Where are you, fu?

I am now flying over Turkey.

I'm bound for the one place where you'll never find me.

We want the crown jewels, fu.

You want the crown jewels?

Ha! You'll get yesterday's leftover rice.

That's what you'll get.

There's something you should know, doctor.

There's something you should know, Smith.

I now have the means to take over the entire world.

[Click]

I think it's time we went down to the country.

What country?

You'll soon find out.

[Cock crows]

[Dog barking]

Perkins, how nice to see you.

Everything all right?

Yes, sir. How nice to see you. I missed you.

I got back from London early,

and everything's prepared for takeoff.

Takeoff? Yes.

We shall be airborne immediately.

Are you nuts, nayland?

What do you mean, airborne?

This is a 400-year-old bungalow.

Yes, that's right, yes,

and we shall be taking off

in pursuit of fu manchu

and should arrive in the himalayas within hours.

What?

Yes. Perkins, do the honors, will you?

Pleasure, sir.

Gentlemen, for takeoff, if you take my advice,

I would be seated, please.

It can be rather bumpy.

Try to hold on to something.

Hold on to something, yes, I will.

Yes.

Perkins, commence inflation.

Periscope up.

Periscope up, sir.

Inflation completed, sir.

Set course east by northeast.

Set course east-northeast, sir.

Release ballast.

Right-o.

Ballast released, sir.

Ohh!

You fools. You've dropped the master.

Sorry, master.

Uhh! Uhh!

It's all right, my love.

I've survived worse than that.

Uhh!

Perkins.

Coming, sir.

What is that, some kind of secret closet?

A priest's hole.

A priest what?

A priest's hole, sir.

A secret hiding place used by catholic priests

in the 17th century when pursued by protestant soldiers.

Very useful.

Looks awfully small for a priest.

They were rather small in those days.

[Alice gasps]

What's wrong, my love?

What's wrong?

One of the ingredients is defective.

It can't be!

It is!

[Alice gasps]

It's nayland Smith! He's tricked me again!

Fu pasha!

Fu pasha!

English house just landed

on baseball field!

Praise to the i-ching.

Go to him quickly, my love. It's the only way.

Bring him here.

You must halt Smith immediately.

Yes, mistress.

But for heaven's sake, don't kill him.

We want him alive.

Uhh.

Boy.

Huh?

We're really up high.

Oh.

Deflate, Perkins.

We mustn't blow our chances of escape

from this cursed spot.

Right, sir.

One can't be too careful when one's abroad.

Huh. What?

I think I see someone coming.

Joe: What do you mean, someone?

There's an army of them.

[Horn blowing]

This is it, uncle.

Action at last.

Keep calm, dear boy, keep calm.

Oh, my god.

Ready!

Steady!

Fire!

That's it. They asked for it.

No, no, no. Don't shoot.

Don't shoot.

Nayland! Nayland, what's the matter with you?

Nayland, those guys are playing for keeps.

Nayland, they'll kill you.

Pete: Are you giving up?

I'm not having my cottage ruined.

Anyway, I'm not giving up.

I think I've only just begun.

Cover him, cover him, cover him.

Take me to fu manchu.

I think we better have a little chat.

Oof!

He forgot this woolly.

He'll catch his death of cold.

It's not the cold I'm worried about.

[Yelling]

[Buzzing]

[Moaning]

Don't die, Fred.

I love you.

Ismail will not fail me,

but if only I knew

which of the ingredients was defective.

[Footsteps]

Nayland: Stand over here with me, constable rage.

I wouldn't come near you

if you was the last man in the world.

I see.

Yes.

You're in bad shape, fu.

Not only physically but morally.

Morally? What do you mean, morally?

You told sir nules thudd that you merely wanted

to look at the George v diamond.

Instead of which, you stole it or...

So you thought.

Ah. So it was the British diamond

that was a fake, yes.

Yes, you must have duplicated it.

I want the real one. Where is it?

Well, it was hidden in a priest's hole.

You dirty beast.

Where are the crown jewels, fu?

They are buried

under a tame Burmese man-eating orchid.

How very original.

Come on, Smith.

Let's make a deal.

I'll give you the crown jewels,

and you give me the diamond.

Yeah.

Yeah, hmm, yes.

It appears I have no choice.

Tong.

Yes, master.

Tong, take this to ismail.

Quickly, very quickly.

Ismail!

Ismail! The diamond!

Now, my love, I must go to the laboratory.

I want to go to the laboratory very badly.

Oh, I say, uncle, isn't it majestic?

Nonsense, Robert.

Give me the harrods food hall every time.

Hey, wait a minute.

Isn't that nayland over there?

Uh, yeah. Hello, nayland.

Look, I think we ought to search the premises, don't you?

Turn everything upside down.

Have you got the warrant, Robert?

No.

Robert, you know I like to do everything properly.

I'm sorry, uncle.

Nayland: It's too late for anything like that, Roger.

I had no alternative but to trade

the George v diamond in order to save our skins.

But, of course, quite right.

We understand completely, and don't worry.

I'll make it look all right in my report.

What are friends for?

Fu's taking the diamond down to his laboratory.

God knows what's going on down there.

[Electric buzzing]

[Thunder]

[Gong bangs]

[Men cheering, applause]

You look very handsome, master.

I feel fantastic.

[Cheering]

Nayland.

[Mouthing]

My love, kindly distribute the gifts

for these gentlemen.

Dr. Fu manchu,

out of the goodness of his magnificent heart,

has decided to temporarily suspend

what has been called by others

the si fan policy of depravity and evil.

And so, to celebrate and illustrate

the true character of this oriental genius,

we shall begin by distributing some gifts.

[Claps hands]

Commissioner Avery,

the missing crown jewels of england.

I think they're rather lovely.

Roger: Constable rage,

their majesties will be delighted.

I've seen them behind the glass, of course,

but I've never actually touched them.

[Snaps fingers]

Mr. Capone.

The star of Leningrad.

The star of Leningrad?

You mean the real McCoy?

No one will ever know the difference.

Not even the Russians.

Wow.

How's it look?

Oh, beautiful.

Ohh.

Gee, Joe.

Looks good to me, too.

You are the only worthy adversary

I ever had, nayland.

The only one.

But I hated you, fu.

Oh, god, did I hate you.

Yes. But they were the good old days.

And we can recapture them, you know.

We can start all over again.

Here. Take this.

I know you're a man of your word,

so you must promise me, nayland,

you will not take one sip of that elixir vitae

until you return to London.

Is this some form of diabolical joke, fu?

No. But you will be up against the most devastating invention

ever conceived by man, nayland. I warn you.

You will be powerless against it, utterly powerless.

I see.

I see.

Well, if it's going to be that immense,

perhaps you might let me have a clue

in order that I

will know what i'm going to have to face.

Why don't you rejoin the others?

And then prepare to be...Wiped out.

Wiped out?

Yes. "Wiped out" would be a good word.

If I were you, nayland, I would travel up on the throne.

Those stairs can be so tiresome for an old man.

[All talking at once]

Roger: What on earth's going on, nayland?

What's happening?

I'm not entirely sure, Roger.

But apparently,

we're all going to be wiped out.

What? Wiped out?

Here we go.

This is it, Joe.

[Rock music playing]

Fu manchu: You will be powerless against it, nayland.

Powerless.

♪ From San Francisco to Peking ♪

♪ confucius say this cat's the king ♪

♪ the cops, they tell you I ain't nice ♪

♪ but fu knows how to fry that rice ♪

♪ I've lived so long that I can't be wrong ♪

♪ I'll rock you when I sing this song ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ it's fu music ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ it's new music ♪

♪ rock a fu man ♪

♪ rock a fu manchu ♪

♪ music! ♪

♪ My weapon's gonna wipe you out ♪

♪ if you don't learn to twist and shout ♪

Nayland: Wiped out.

Poor demented fools. Ha.

You've really done it this time, fu.

♪ Takin' over every land ♪

♪ so come on, folks, and join my band ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ it's fu music ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ it's new music ♪

♪ rock a fu man ♪

♪ rock a fu manchu ♪

♪ music! ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Rock a fu ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ it's fu music ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ it's new music ♪

♪ rock a fu man ♪

♪ rock a fu manchu ♪

♪ music! ♪

♪ Well, all right, baby ♪

♪ wow! ♪

♪ Rockin' doctor ♪

♪ rockin' Dr. Fu ♪

♪ music ♪

♪ come on, come on, come on, come on! ♪

♪ New music! ♪

♪ Rock a fu man ♪

♪ rock a fu manchu ♪

♪ music ♪

♪ rock a, rock a, rock a fu manchu ♪

♪ music ♪

♪ music ♪

♪ new music ♪

♪ rock a fu man ♪

♪ rock a fu manchu ♪

♪ music ♪

♪ rockin' doctor ♪

♪ rockin' Dr. Fu ♪

♪ music ♪

♪ rockin' doctor ♪

♪ rockin' Dr. Fu ♪

♪ music ♪

♪ rock a fu man ♪

♪ rock a fu manchu music ♪

♪ don't like it loud ♪

♪ rock a fu manchu music ♪

♪ it's fu manchu, baby ♪

♪ rock a fu manchu ♪

♪ music ♪

♪ rock a fu man ♪

♪ rock a fu manchu ♪

♪ music ♪

♪ rockin' doctor ♪

♪ rockin' Dr. Fu music ♪

♪ whoo ♪

♪ rockin' Dr. Fu music ♪

Captioning made possible by Warner Bros.

Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.