Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Good evening.

Argh!

Argh! Ah!

I trained at RADA.

What have I created?!

So sorry.

How we laughed.

Ahh!

Huh?

Hello!

Hello, everyone!

I'm Greg Davies, and I would like to welcome you to

the Taskmaster grand final!

This is where we finally sort the wheat from the chaff,

the culmination of ten weeks of fundamentally pointless activity

pops its cork right here, right now.

At the end of this episode, one of our fearless five

will be able to hold aloft my gilded dome

and scream like a feral wolf into the night sky,

"My parents may well have thought my chosen career path

"was disappointing, given the opportunities

"I was afforded in life!

"But no-one, no-one can take this from me!"

Please give them a huge round of applause for the final time,

they are Julian Clary...

..Lucy Beaumont...

..Sam Campbell...

..Sue Perkins...

..and Susan Wokoma!

And now, for a man who once confided in me that

he considered Welsh people to only be suited to menial work...

..it's little Alex Hooorne!

Not all, not all. Some. Most.

Hello. Ahh!

Hello, there. Oh, I'm so excited, it's the live final.

Oh, it is, are you excited? Yes.

Yeah, well, I am, cos it's live

the first-ever live edition of Taskmaster.

Anything could happen. OK.

Cos we're live on Channel 4!

Yeah, we're not live. Whoo!

We're live, look. Look at the watch, just after 9pm.

So, it must be live.

Yeah, you've changed your watch, yeah.

You can't change a watch Greg! Oh, man.

Look I'll send a tweet right now.

Oh, so look at your phones.

They'll have just got that.

If you're watching the show, go to your windows

and I want you to shout...

.."What's the weather like?"

Mild. It's mild!

It's mild!

How would I know it's mild?

Yeah, God, it doesn't sound like two people planted in

the same room as us.

Right, it's time to find out what the final prize task category is.

The final category is the thing that, when you turn it round,

gives you the biggest shock.

Thank you.

5 points for the most shocking thing when turned around and,

at the end of the show, the overall winner will take them all home.

What a shocking turnaround!

That's comedy. Sue!

Erm, what's the thing that you've brought in that,

when you turn around, will give me a shock?

Well, let's see the thing from, er, the first position.

Pre-turn around. Pre-turn around.

All right. Uh-oh.

Let's turn it round, what could be there?

Er, here we go.

Not a penis. Wow.

Why are you smooth from the back?

I do sort of rub, I guess, I rub...I rub around a bit.

I-I rub mo-more on the back than the front.

Fidgeting will otter a man down.

Sam. Yes. You all right? I'm good.

Have you done something different with your...?

It was all a bit grey.

Yeah.

Erm, what thing have you brought in that, when you turn it around,

will shock me? A baby.

OK, so here's the baby from the back.

Oh, God. Look at it. Yeah. Look at it.

Aww! No way!

You can't be serious!

Jesus Christ.

I mean, I'm not that shocked because I knew it would be

something like that. Susan.

Er, my prize is some vanilla ice cream.

And I actually have it here for you, Greg. OK.

Is it something horrible, though?

Erm...

Hmm. If it's made out of human breast milk...

Now, would you turn the label round?

Yeah, and that's the ingredients.

Yeah, a mixture of anal secretions and urine of beavers.

Yeah, it's a standard ingredient in

vanilla ice cream castoreum.

Are you serious? I'm serious.

They've all got beaver piss in them?

Not all of them, but that one, yes. Oh, yuck.

It's normally categorised under "natural ingredients,"

so you won't know that you're sucking on some secretion of beaver.

Well, where are all these beavers?

OK.

Yeah, that's, er, genuinely horrific, thank you.

Julian, what have you brought in?

It's an urn containing the, erm,

ashes of a friend of mine.

It's a first for the show.

So, here's the urn from the front.

Turn the urn!

So, let me explain. Please!

I was on tour in Norwich, and I saw this in a shop window

and I really liked it.

So, I bought it, and then, a week later, my friend died.

And that was his favourite word, and this was his favourite programme

so I thought he'd love to appear on this show.

Aww!

Well, you're clearly going to win.

Because the idea that you might - genuinely might make me feel moved

with an urn that's got "shit" written on it...

You're doing very well Julian.

Hi, Lucy.

Erm...it's a lamp.

So, my daughter had her hair braid,

and then, it sparked a memory.

My mum was at our house, and I said "Oh, I used to have one of them,"

cos like I untaffled my daughter's when she didn't want it in,

and I said. Er...

Untaffled? Fairly sure "untaffled" isn't a word.

What? Untaffled?

Are you joking me?

"Your search did not match any documents.

"Did you mean unruffled, unmuffled, unravelled or unbaffled?"

No! OK.

I tell you what, there'll be people screaming at the TV now.

No. Well, we can listen.

Fuck 'em.

Fair play to the boy.

OK, you were untaffling a thing?

So, I untaffled it, but my mum -

I said, "You just cut mine out of my hair,"

and she said, "Yeah, I know."

And she said, "I've still got it. Have you never noticed?

"It's the light pulley for the downstairs toilet."

Yeah, and it's on this lamp here now.

But has it shocked you?

Yeah, I don't know why I find it so unsettling.

Jesus Christ.

Do you need a second, or you all right?

Well, we're live, aren't we? So I should... Yeah.

..speed through it if I can.

Honestly, I knew it was going to be his horrible bottom.

1 point to Sue Perkins.

I mean, I am shocked by Sam's baby, but I'm not shocked -

because Sam's brought something like that in every week.

OK, so 2 points to Sam.

I'll give 3 points to Susan,

4 points, inexplicably, for that braid - it's unsettled me.

And 5 points because he pulled a sweet story out of

one of the darkest things ever to appear on the show.

Julian Clary gets 5 points!

Well done, Julian.

OK, what's next, Alex?

OK, well, we're sticking with the shocking theme, Greg,

and combining it with one of your five-a-day.

Hello. Hello, Julian.

I like a sitting-down task.

Oh, wow.

I love doughnuts.

"Do something shocking...

"..but family-friendly with this doughnut.

"Do something shocking, but family-friendly with this doughnut."

Oh, cos I mean, obviously, you would want to put it on

a penis, wouldn't you?

"Most shocking doughnut deed wins.

"You've got 15 minutes."

Right. And what did your time do?

Oh, yes. "The time starts now." Erm... Thank you.

Yeah.

Nothing going through my head is family-friendly.

Oh, really? Not one idea.

Well, I...what if I like tried to marry it or something, like,

just, you know, just like, that's crazy?

What would my child find shocking?

Anything to do with faeces, she finds shocking.

Can't do that, put a poo through it?

No, like, every single thing is filthy.

No, that's filthy, that's filthy...

..that's filthy.

Had it been a jam doughnut, then there could've been

all kinds of, you know, slight filth.

I've thought of something.

Is it family-friendly?

Well, my family wouldn't mind.

I think Lucy spoke for the nation, really, by voicing the first thing

that we all think of, which is to pop it on a penis.

Yeah. We agree on that, but I'm intrigued, Susan,

that you thought of at least three more filthy things internally.

Yeah. Do you want to share any of them?

Ah, really? Just one.

Erm, bite it apart, and then,

shove the rest up your arse.

Wokoma.

That's the number-two thing you go to?

OK, thanks, Susan. Yeah, of course, let's crack on.

OK, we're going to begin with Lucy and Sam.

What do you find more shocking and saucy out of these two?

It's gotta be red. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you hungry, baby bird?

Yes, I am quite hungry, actually.

Ohh!

I'll go and get you something to eat. OK.

How does that grab you?

I'm quite excited. Really?

I know you're a married man, but, er...

Mm!

Mm!

Oh, Horne-dog!

Wow.

Here you go, little baby.

Here's a little breakfast. Do you like it?

Is it nice?

Want some more? OK, here you go.

Oh! Good boy!

Ohh!

Oh.

She's very high up.

Close to the heavens.

You finished?

Let's go back inside.

Oh...my God.

We all knew, as soon as you came out as a bird,

I went, "Oh, no."

Because, if you ask Alex to eat anything, he always says yes.

We were at a wedding together once,

and I made him eat a whole pat of butter.

He's weird, he just went, "Yeah."

I'm not the one who gobbled a beaver's anal gland.

Genuinely absolutely disgusting.

But that's nature, I mean, Richard Attenborough wouldn't find.

David. David, sorry.

Sam, I don't know...

Yeah, it's not really that complicated, so I created a small,

bikini-clad doughnut just... I know that.

Kind of, I guess, a femme fatale. Yeah.

And she was feasted upon by this bird.

But we can't give you credit for the bird that happened

to come along. That was nature.

It was part of his plan.

We're not allowed to work with nature?

Would you say to David Attenborough,

"Yeah, pretty good documentary but he had all those foxes?

"Oh, it was all right! The dolphins, where'd you get them?"

OK, new rule - if you cooked tonight,

someone else makes the teas.

If you went to work today, someone else makes the teas.

I'm saying if you're a child who gets to go to school and

talk about TikTok and Taylor Swift, or whatever,

you make the bloody teas!

They're parasites!

Children are parasites!

Hello!

It is part two of our grand final,

and we're in a state of shock and awe.

See, he's absolutely right.

Yes, the finalists are all trying to do the most shocking,

yet family-friendly thing with a doughnut.

And next, it's Sue Perkins.

Prepare to face the Doughnut of Doom!

Excuse the, er, American spelling.

Are you ready?

Shocking!

OK, this is it.

Listen, I know some element of the surprise has gone now...

You've got four minutes left, Sue.

We'll do it.

Yeah!

Well, I think that the studio audience should have a good,

long think about what they just cheered then.

It might be the least-shocking thing I've ever seen.

The shocking thing is I actually managed to hit him once.

Who's next, please?

Well, here are Julian and Susan.

OK.

Could you come over here, please? Right, yes, of course.

I'd like you to kneel down here.

Right.

Coffee? Mm-hm.

Uh-oh. Chilli sauce?

Ah, ketchup. MMM!

It's all in, is it? Hmm.

Good luck. Mm-hm!

Close your eyes.

Family-friendly?

I'd probably encourage people not to do it too often at home.

OK. Yeah, thanks, Julian.

Good luck to you and your family.

Susan, it's a first, congratulations.

You made me retch on Taskmaster. I actually gipped.

We were all expecting there to be a point to it, but no. No.

I was there, and things were coming out that hadn't gone in.

But I'm telling you, the look on everybody's faces was, like,

the high point of Taskmaster, for me, as I did that.

Write that down, that's the thing she's enjoyed most.

Erm, Julian, I was not expecting that.

No, I wasn't really knowing if I would follow through, as it were.

But, once I'd started, he was going to get it.

All right, here's some points.

Guess who only gets 1 point?

Give it to me, Uncle Greg!

1 point to Sue.

I don't know, Sam.

Come on, Gruncle.

Just give him 3 points. 3 to Sam.

Erm, I think that both Susan and Julian are disgusting.

I'm giving them 4 points, but if a woman regurgitates a doughnut

into a man's mouth, she takes 5 points on this show. Always.

Lucy Beaumont!

OK. Can I have a score board, please? Oh, dear.

You can. Julian and Lucy both have 9 points.

Ooh!

Right, on with the next!

Yes, sir, and it's time for PE.

There you are.

What could it be? I thought we were going to be trampolining,

but that was wrong, wasn't it? I'm sorry, you're not trampolining.

It's very good for your liver.

Is it? Yes, shakes it all up, gets the toxins out.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

"Demonstrate the most effective high-intensity

"four-part exercise routine.

"Each of your four exercises must be original,

"and must take place on this mat.

"The first must last eight seconds.

"The second, four.

"The third, two, and fourth, one-second long.

"Also, each move must start with a 'whoops,'

"and 'yeah' is how it ends.

"Each move must start with a 'yeah',

"and end with a scream.

"Must start with a scream and end with a gasp.

"Must start with a gasp and end with an 'ahhh'.

"Must start with an 'ahhh'

"and end with a 'whoops'."

I think most things I do, do that.

"You've a maximum of 15 minutes. Your time starts now."

When I think exercise, I think exorcism.

So, when you think exercise, you think of a different word?

Yeah.

I'm guessing this is just for fuel, just a bit of like, "Ahhh."

Yes, hydration. Yeah.

Just because I want to increase my body temperature,

I think, let's gaffer me up real good.

So, you've gotta be speaking in tongues.

Could you give me a little demonstration of that?

OK.

I mean, it's got to the stage now, Sam, where I'm not even

surprised any more.

We know each other.

We-We do know each other, yeah.

Erm, do you know what phrase I want to take us into the break?

It's "gaffer me up...

"..real good."

Hello! Welcome back to our final.

I think it's about time we had a decent workout, Alex.

Yes, time to see their exercise routines.

Let's go to the gym!

Ahhh!

May the power of Christ compel you.

Ahhh.

Whoops!

Thank you for the hydration.

Yeah!

Ahhh. Ahhh!

May the power of Christ compel you.

Ahhh.

Whoops!

Yeah!

Ahhh!

May the power of Christ compel you.

Ahhh.

Whoops!

Yeah!

Ahhh!

May the power of Christ compel you. Ahhh.

Whoops!

Yeah!

Ahhh!

Sue, I think you only did one exercise.

Let me tell you what was going on there, all right? Yeah.

Hot yoga, it's a thing.

Is that why you gaffered yourself up real good, for hot yoga reasons?

Of course! My kid-erneys were on fire.

Kid-erney!

Wow! You were so over-hot, you started pronouncing

the name of organs incorrectly. Kidneys.

No, you can say that to my liv-eur.

Lucy, what exercises were there within yours?

Erm, there was head-butt ball.

You did call it "head-butt ball", yeah. Head intensity...

Yes, you reminded me of one of those birds from the '70s.

What, like, that go on Top Of The Pops?

Yeah, on Top Of The Pops.

Susan, you lost me a little bit when you were rolling those

little dumb bells on the floor.

Ah, no, and that does look deceptive,

but it's to help get hench, er, wrists...

..so I get nice and thick.

Julian, my observation is none of them involved

you doing very much work.

Oh, no, there was pelvic floor. Mm-hm.

Do you want me to tell you what you called them? Yes.

Well, the first, you called it "Stirrups".

The third was called "The Flying Homosexual".

The fourth was called "Horsey Hamstrings".

Remember what the second was called? The one where you were punching me

with your feet? "Punch the BLEEP."

And, to the eternal quandary.

What I'll need you to do is

to justify how you exorcising Alex exercised you.

We had to get rid of his da-hemons.

Well, we did flip it round, the last two, I was exorcising him.

He was upside down in the last one. Oh, yeah.

Right, I'll just score them.

I can't separate Sue, Susan, and Lucy, I don't think.

I don't think I deserve that many.

Oh, right, great.

So, if I give Lucy 2 points,

I'll give the Susans 3.

I think there was a variety in the weird exorcism,

I'm going to give him 4 points.

But Julian, I think there were four distinct exercises. Wow.

I'll give him 5 points.

There we go, 5 points to Julian Clary!

Do we have something special lined up for our last task, Alex?

Oh, we certainly do, Greg!

And for the very first time, I'd like to welcome everybody

to the Taskmaster Hotel.

Oh.

"Sue, Susan" - shall we put these on?

Yeah. Go on, then.

Get confused. OK.

Alex isn't here.

Or is he?

Oh, there are keys! It's very exciting.

I've got some reservations. Oh, we're busy.

Brian O'Yoghurt is in room one which is good, that's good. So...

Do you want to read the...?

Do you want me to? Yeah.

"Give your guest the best service. ..Best service.

"He has 30 minutes.

"His time starts now!"

"HIS time starts now." Who's our guest?

Shall we go find Alex? Shall we go find a mannequin.

Guest! Is he going to come in?

Normally they...

Ah, good evening.

Hi, can I check in, please.

Bonjour! Hello.

Bienvenu, er, Hotel Taskmaster!

Erm, I know what you two are going to be like,

playing together as hotel managers is right up your street.

I wouldn't be surprised if you opened a B&B, honestly.

And the other group, I imagine it's a case of Uncle Julian

managing the two lunatics.

OK, so first up, let's see how Susan and Sue do at being hoteliers.

I've booked a room. Yes. So, if I could check in,

that'd be great. Yeah.

Are you Mr Brian O'Yoghurt?

Why do you think I'm Mr Brian O'Yoghurt?

Well, I-I don't think that, but we just had a, we...

It's our mistake, sir. What is your name, sir? Qrs.

Chris. What's your surname? Tuvwxyz.

OK, how do you spell that.

Tuvwxyz.

How do you spell Chris? Qrs.

Oh, no, we have it here. Here we go. Room 13.

Room 13!

OK!

And here is your room! Room 13. Great. There we go,

we'll just bring your bags in, as well. Lovely.

Thank you very much, thanks. All right, then, sir take care.

Thank you so much, thank you. All right, OK.

You've worked in the hospitality industry. I have! Yeah.

Extraordinary.

I think he's going to ring us, that's what I think.

Check, check, check this - these are different rooms, right?

These are different rooms. Yeah.

Shall we ring and see if he's OK?

No, that's oppressive. No, no, no.

Well done.

Hello, Taskmaster Hotel. Sue speaking.

Oh, hello, Sue, it's Qrs Tuvwxyz, in Room 13.

I was hoping to order some room service, if that's all right.

Absolutely. Have you got the menu? Do you know what you'd like?

Yes, a hot cucumber sandwich and a, er, glass of milk.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

"Cucumber served between two warm slices of bread."

Bung, two of those in there. OK got you, got you, got you.

Do you think he'd like butter?

Oh. Hi.

Hello, Taskmaster Hotel, how may I help you?

When I booked, I asked for a room with a view,

and all I can see is a hedge.

I would love a-a better room.

I can double-check and see whether Room 20 is free,

that's a much nicer view, I think.

Well, that would've been nice to have been in that to begin with,

if I'm honest. I'm ever so sorry sir. OK.

Yeah, I have been waiting for quite some times for the food, so....

I deeply apologise. We will be with you shortly.

Bye-bye.

I prefer Alex. OK.

Hello, sir! Do you mind if I come in?

Thank you. Thank you for granting me...

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Yes, if you wouldn't mind bringing the bags through.

Er, your hot cucumber sandwich, Mr Tuvwxyz.

Are you a cutlery salesman, Mr Tuvwxyz?

Yes, I've got a meeting in 21 minutes. OK.

Was the room not to your liking? No, have you not seen the view?

Why does he have so many forks?!

Sue, is it? Yes, it is. Thank you so much. Thanks, Sue.

Where's my milk?

Taskmaster Hotel.

It's so dry. I didn't get my milk.

Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm so very sorry, sorry.

Let me bring that immediately.

Everything OK, Sue?

Yeah, I've gotta give him his milk, which I'll go and do now. Milk, OK.

Running a business is bullshit.

Do you want to...? Oh, thanks love.

Oh, OK.

I think it says a lot about us, the fact that we've done

seven minutes... Hello, sir! Oh, sir! Wonderful to see you.

I've got some laundry, because I've got a meeting in 15 minutes,

I need to wear that outfit. Fabulous. Thank you. Wonderful.

Erm, Susan, there might be a problem here.

Oh, God. Right.

Hello? Sue, I would love to book a spa session, if that's possible.

Wonderful, wonderful.

Just relax, just relax. Yeah.

Any particular products that you use?

I-I'm allergic. I'm a...hmm.

Er, lot of...water in my eyes, more than anything, yeah.

Sorry. Let's just sort that.

What is that?

What is that sound?

Oh, my God! What's going on?

Why is there smoke?

I was just going to put a wash on!

And can I ask what the meeting's about?

It's forks and marbles, always forks and marbles.

We evacuate everyone, I guess.

Oh, yeah, it's in the back here, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. Nine minutes till my meeting, Sue.

"Press the nearest..."

Fire alarm!

If you'd like to just follow me, sir, we'll just go

to the assembly point. All right.

I have a meeting in seven minutes, I do need to be dressed. Yes.

Hello, Taskmaster Hotel, how may I help you?

Hello, it's Qrs Tuvwxyz in Room 20.

I would love another glass of milk and a bedtime story.

Hello? Hello!

You get him the milk and story.

But you... No, don't worry. Oh, my God!

I don't have any bedding.

Oh, I was just speaking to your colleague, I don't have any bedding.

What does he mean? Why did he just figure that out now?!

"Once upon a time, there was a very big bear."

"I don't have bedding."

Thank you, I'd love my clothes now.

It's proving quite difficult. I do have an alternative.

Would you like this? Well, I need to wear dungarees.

Well, this is dungarees.

Er, these are freshly-laundered. They're warm still.

Customer satisfaction every time. Brought the phone with me.

Oh, sir. Oh! Wonderful.

And if I may say, a perfect accompaniment to a forks

and marbles conferences.

Can we help you out with these bags?

No, no, I'll be fine from here, thank you so much for having me.

We'll send on your dungarees. OK. Thank you both.

Take care! Bye. Thank you, bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Well, the first Taskmaster Hotel is a hit.

Erm, what did you both think of Mr Tuvwxyz?

Tuvwxyz. Tuvwxyz?

Demanding tool, I thought.

Did you think that you were professional when you

discovered what Mr... Tuvwxyz... ..did for his living?

What, the - just forks and marbles?

I-I've spent ten episodes watching you laugh,

and I have never heard you laugh like this.

"Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!"

"Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!"

But that was a real third-eye moment looking at what I was doing,

and there was just a suitcase with forks and marbles,

and I've never seen forks and marbles together... Me neither.

..ever in my life! So many.

It was just...

I just got so overwhelmed...

..and I didn't know what I was doing!

You know, I tipped Sue throughout, and not Susan, but Sue split

all the tips with Susan, they were an amazing team.

Aww! Absolutely sickening!

That hotel is going to get opened.

"Ooh-hoo-hoo."

A potential name!

All right. Ah-hoo-hoo.

Time for the last ad break of the series.

Soon, we will crown our mighty new champion.

Also, someone will take home the melted anal glands of a beaver.

Win! Win! Win!

Welcome to the final part of the grand final!

Alex, what's the latest from the Taskmaster Hotel?

Well, Greg, Qrs Tuvwxyz informs me he had quite an acceptable stay

at the Taskmaster Hotel while the Sues were in charge.

But now, he's heading back, and it's under new management,

with Sam, Julian, and Lucy running the joint.

Can I check in please?

Yes, certainly. Yes, yes.

Great. This is, er, complimentary.

Really?

Fine, what room am I in?

Erm, what's your favourite number?

Well, is that how it works?

There you are, Room 13.

And where is Room 13?

Room 13, is just this...this way.

Is it not? Wait.

Does it have it in your information booklet?

Is there any information about Room 13?

You don't know where Room 13 is, do you?

Couldn't tell you.

Wouldn't be outside, would it?

I think I've found it. Oh, great, I'd love to check in.

There you are. There we...

OK, I'd love to have a bit of alone-time, thank you.

I offer a service, sir, where I sit by this window

and I sing to you, if you want. No, thank you.

# Sitting by my window

# Looking at birdsong... #

Do you think he's calling reception?

What's up?

It's Qrs Tuvwxyz here, from Room 13.

Oh, how are you, man?

I was just wondering if I could order something from room service,

and I am also looking out of the window,

and I did request a room with a view.

He wants a different room. OK.

Sir! Ah, hello.

Are you ready to change room? Yes, I'd love to change rooms.

Supposed to be warm bread.

There we go. Shall we just put it in the microwave?

Just cut those crusts off.

He won't mind fingers, will he? No.

Are you good with keys?

How do you get this...?

You want me to do my own? Yes.

Ah, there's no bedding.

If you need to change rooms,

here's the keys to all the other rooms.

OK.

Oh, there he is. Hi, Qrs!

Here's your milk.

Nice legs. I don't think that's appropriate.

I'm just going to reception, is that my bedding?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll see you at reception. Great, thank you.

Lovely legs, sir!

Where's the swan?

Hi. Hi.

I've got some laundry. Some laundry. Yes.

And... Why is your colleague playing the French horn?

She's French. Right.

Can I ask the lady to not do that any more?

You don't like this at all, sir? Not at all. Thank you.

Oh, that's lovely.

Hi! Oh, what are you doing? What...?

You shouldn't be in my room.

Is he ready for his spa treatment?

You need treatment! It says "do not disturb".

But you really to come and have your treatment now, because

we're all clocking off soon, you see? All right.

I like your legs.

Oh, is there a fire?

How awful.

Shall we open the window a bit?

Well, do you need...?

Is someone after you?

Are you a white-collar criminal?

I don't think that's the police. What's going on?

I'm sorry, no, we have to evacuate, cos there's a fire.

Make your way to the fire assembly point. OK, where is that?

It's just over here. Right.

Why are you holding my arm so tight?

Just, like, stay away here.

Oh, we'll have to do a roll call. Right.

Er, I'm here. Qrs, are you here?

Put your hand up if you're here.

Right, I'll be fine now, thank you, guys.

Terrible day we're having.

Hello.

I need to check out in three minutes,

I'd like one more glass of milk and a bedtime story,

if that's all right.

Qrs, you haven't got time for milk if you've gotta leave

in three minutes. Well, I'd like my milk, please,

and a bedtime story. Thank you.

Yes? Hi! Whoo!

Where do you want your bedtime story?

Oh, in bed, please, thank you.

And your milk, sir. That's great.

I-I didn't mean we all get in.

Right, I've literally one minute...

"Once upon a time, there was a boy called Qrs,

"and he had lovely legs."

Going to check out now. I-I'd like to check out, please.

Are you sure you don't want a song? Please get out of my bed.

I'm going to reception.

Qrs!

Hello!

I'd like to check out, please. How much do I owe?

There's 20, 205...

You're charging me... Not now, sir, I'm adding up.

That's 385, sir. Is it now?

Hiya. Right, thank you very much. Thank you.

No, this is... Your bedding, sir. No, that's your bedding.

Wait, you need some trousers on, I think. Qrs.

Qrs, you've got a meeting, you need trousers on.

Come back soon. Don't be a stranger!

Well, it's the perfect hotel.

I don't really know where to start - well, I'll ask the customer.

Hmm. How was your experience?

Hmm, it was turbulent.

Julian charged me £305 for the stay.

I gave him a £20 tip - he pocketed that.

Afraid I did.

Have you worked in a hotel in real life, Lucy?

What do you think?

I...I think you have worked in some sort of awful, low-grade motel,

because you've just got that sort of,

"Well, we're clocking off in a minute."

What about you, Sam?

I stayed at a hotel, and I don't like it when the people

who've been in the pool are in the lift with non-pool people.

Let's have a lift just for the pool people. Yeah.

I don't want to be in there with some wet guy.

I want different lifts.

And how did you apply that anger to the hotel you were working in?

Oh, I-I've never worked in a hotel.

Wow, no way.

Well, I have to score the Ooh-Hoo-Hoo-Hotel,

I have to score them highly because inexplicably, they really cared.

This was absolutely carnage. But I enjoyed watching it.

So, I can't give them nothing, I can't give them 1 even.

But I can give them 2.

And 2 versus 5. Well done, the two who gets 5 points.

2, 2, 2, 5, 5.

We were robbed there.

One last glance at the scores.

I can tell you in the leader board, in terms of the series,

it all comes down to the last task.

There are 2 points in it.

In this episode, it's pretty tight.

At the top, you've got Susan on 15, and then Julian on 16 points!

Ooh!

OK, this is it!

Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the series!

Hi, there, cutie. Ooh! Hello!

Who's reading the task out?

Sam Campbell's reading the last one.

Sam Campbell for the final time this series.

"Throw a ball into the bath tub from behind the rope.

"You may not touch the rope.

"If a ball ends up not in the bath tub, you are eliminated.

"Last player standing wins."

And if a single ball falls out, or if your ball doesn't stay in,

you're out.

Round One, and we're going to start with Julian,

we're going from left to right.

Pick a ball, any ball. Throw it in the bath.

Shall the rest of us cuddle while he does it? Yeah, come on.

Like a penalty shoot-out.

Go on, Julian.

So, I'm allowed to lean over?

You can lean over, just don't touch that rope.

Don't you touch that rope, Julian Clary.

That was cruel.

That's not great.

You must sit on the bench.

There's a chance they'll all go out in Round One. It's not easy.

You still could quite easily win.

Oh, there's some heavy balls.

Shall I go closer?

That's a great choice, though, I think.

Because of the surface area.

Cos it's light and it's got a big surface area, correct.

That's a miss. Two down, three to go.

This is shaping up to be one anti-climax.

Oh, lovely.

Ooh!

So it is possible... which is a relief.

Lovely form.

Thank you.

As expected, goodbye.

Well, one left.

Just say, in the rehearsal - good half an hour, this one.

How many rounds are there? Well, it looks like one.

If you don't get this, d'you know how I'm going to react?

"Ooh-hoo."

You're going to get this in. I know you. Oh, ah.

Let's add that to the final scores. Please come down and join me!

All champions.

Well, one person got a ball in the bath,

Sam obviously gets 5 points.

The rest are either all joint-second or joint-last.

They were there, so they get 1 point.

1, 1, 5, 1, 1.

Well done, everyone!

And so... A tight episode for the main part.

Sue, unfortunately, at the bottom with 11,

but Julian, with 17 points, wins the episode!

Please go and celebrate your shocking stuff!

Ah, at last!

That moment has arrived where we crown our new champion,

and revel in the enormity of their achievements.

Alex, please.

In fifth place, she's been outstanding throughout the series,

and she's still really outstanding from the re...

A long way below the rest.

Lucy Beaumont scored 129 points! Lucy Beaumont!

Then, then we come to two people who've been pretty much inseparable

throughout the last ten episodes,

Sue Perkins on 137, and Susan Wokoma on 139!

In second place, with 155 points...

..it's Mr Julian Clary!

And, Greg, Greg, the winner got 161 points.

It was close at the end.

Your new Taskmaster champion is....

..Sam Campbell!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media