Original subtitles

- I just went through a tough breakup

and was feeling very low,

just like a big old pile of crap.

But as the great Angela Bassett once said,

"I'm Stella, and I'm going to get my groove back."

I deserve to be happy.

And I am gonna put myself back out there.

Well, lucky me, Matt is throwing

his birthday party at a downtown lounge.

So I am gonna go in, I'm gonna have a few drinks,

and I'm gonna let every available bachelor know

that Big J is looking for a D.

[chuckles]

A date.

Time to slay.

[dance music playing]

? ?

What the [bleep] is this?

[upbeat music]

? ?

- Oh, hey. What's up?

What up? It's my birthday.

Another trip around the sun, allegedly.

No, I-I think that's real.

But back home, we didn't recognize birthdays,

so this is actually my first time celebrating it.

I'm pretty stoked.

Got one of those posters that people can write

funny birthday messages on.

Huh, looks like Kinko's sent me the wrong one.

But big day for Reginald.

Congrats, bud.

- [stifled laughter] - That's right.

Yuck it up.

My embarrassment is your sick entertainment.

- Overdressed a tad, are we?

- I thought "Laser Lounge" was gonna be

some kind of swanky cocktail lounge

filled with velvet and Russian chest hair.

So much for getting my groove back.

- Well, do what I do. You say "happy birthday."

Get in a picture-- proves you were there.

Before you know it, you're back in the car

racing Uber Eats to your front door.

- Oh, I can't do that.

Matt would be devastated if I left.

I am his hero.

- Well, I'm going to be here 18 minutes, and--

Wait, is that "Space Invaders"? - Oh, come on.

- Before med school, I had a job at Gio's Pizza.

They had a "Space Invaders" right near the front.

I played all the time, even got the high score.

Those were the days--young, free, not a care in the world.

I think that high score was probably

the greatest moment in my life.

- Didn't you get married and have kids?

- I said what I said.

[indistinct chatter, laughter]

- Why are you dressed like a stagehand?

- To blend in with the maze.

What, you think I'm gonna wear white under a black light

and expose my position?

Act like you've been here, Serena.

- I don't want people to think I've been here.

- Oh, yeah, I know Laser Lounge very well.

Luke and Ella have birthday parties here

almost every other week.

They come, they play,

and I get to stand off to the side and hold the coats.

But not today.

Oh, no, today I'm gonna make that maze my bitch.

[games pinging]

What? He's not my kid.

- Man, I didn't realize Matt has so many friends.

- Yeah, well, he doesn't.

I blasted his invite to the hospital WhatsApp,

said there'd be free food and cash prizes.

And lookee what happened.

- Oh, my God, I'm-- I'm so glad you made it.

And, um...

I'm sorry, who are you, again?

- Look, Matt's been dealt a tough hand--

pale, weak constitution.

I mean, his hair is doing something

absolutely unhinged this year.

It's all in the card.

All to say, I just want to make sure

he has a great birthday, poor kid.

- All right, looks like Brandon got me two Target gift cards.

- Yeah, one of those has $11 on it,

and the other one has $7 or $8 or something.

- Thanks, Brandon.

- All right, all right, mine next, mine next.

Um, this is a very thoughtful gift

for my little Dorito-loving friend here.

So here.

- Hi, Matt. On behalf of the entire Frito-Lay family,

I want to wish you a happy birthday.

Stay snackin'.

- Oh, wow! - I know!

- Who was that?

- Well, I, uh, figured that as a Dorito freak,

you'd get a kick out of a message

from the CEO of Frito-Lay. [chuckles]

Uh, but I couldn't get him, so that's

the coordinating manager of online ad sales.

Wow. - Wow.

And Doritos are the, um, triangle-shaped chips, right?

- Yes, Matt, you're obsessed with those.

You love those. - Yeah.

Okay...

- Oh, God, I am so sorry. [both chuckle]

- That's okay. [chuckles]

- Oh, wow, you look really nice.

- Oh, well, thank you. So do you.

- I'm gonna get a refill.

Can I, uh-- can I get you anything?

- Well, actually, um, I have a bottle of wine

hidden in a fake plant by the front door.

We could crack that baby open and drink it in the bathroom.

- Oh, yeah.

Actually, I-I don't drink, Joyce.

- Wait, why do you know my name?

- It's me, Connor.

I--from HR. I started last week.

- [gasps] Yes.

And that was a test, and you passed.

So... - Oh. [chuckles] Great.

Oh, let me introduce you to my wife.

- Absolutely not.

- A donation has been made in your name

to Merrick's Vegan Women's Shelter.

Thanks, Dakota, great gift.

- It's not a gift. It's a responsibility.

- Well, thanks for giving me one.

- Oh, hey, guess what. It's our time slot.

So should we--should we pause this, head on over to the maze?

- Oh, no, no, no. You got to open mine.

- Okay, but they won't-- they won't hold it.

They'll just--they'll just give it right away.

- Oh, my God, walkie-talkies. No way!

- Yeah, you seemed pretty bummed when the janitor

didn't let you try his, so...

- Ah, this is truly the best.

Seriously, thank you. - You're welcome.

- I feel like a powerful parking attendant.

Where's that Buick? This lady's pissed.

[both laugh]

- Hey, did I miss the strippers?

Walkie-talkies?

Cool.

[chuckles] - [clears throat]

- Um... you know what?

Uh, we should probably pause gifts,

and, uh, we should play before we lose our slot.

- Yep, you know, some people have been saying that,

so that's probably smart.

- Oh, um, you're probably gonna want to open mine soon.

I don't know how much longer-- - Keith!

He said he wants to play!

- It's a dog.

.

- If you run, you are out.

If you hold your gun sideways, you are out.

If you cover your sensor, you are out.

- It's just--I didn't even know you were coming.

And then you kissed me.

Now everyone knows our business.

- [scoffs] I'm confused.

You said "not at work." We're not at work.

- Okay, but these are work people.

Plus, it's Matt's birthday, and I just--

- Why does that matter?

- No, I mean, I just don't want to pull focus from him.

- [scoffs] I mean, is it that bad if people know?

It's been two months.

You embarrassed or something? - Shh!

Guys, he is explaining the rules.

And he said he would not do it twice, okay?

Come on!

- You okay, bud? You still having a good time?

- Uh, yeah, definitely. - All right.

- Okay, squadron.

In three, two, one, deploy.

- [chuckles] - Running! You are out.

- What? I wasn't! - Ten minutes in the chair.

- I--

[growls angrily] Okay.

- Well, tonight was a bust.

I bleached my upper lip for nothing.

- [chuckles] Yeah, that's crazy.

- Guess I'll just go home, put on "Chocolat"

for the hundredth time, and pretend

Alfred Molina's mustache is...

crawling up and down my body like a caterpillar.

- Joyce, please, just buy a diary.

- I'm sorry my haunting loneliness

is affecting your game. [game powers down]

- Wait, what's going on? Why'd it do that?

Excuse me!

This machine's not working.

- [sighs]

Yeah, I'll need to get in here.

Sick dress.

- Oh.

Thank you. Um...

it's reversible. [chuckles]

- Oh, nice.

I have a belt like that.

- Well, it sounds like we have something in common.

- Yeah, that's great. It's still not working.

- Oh, I'm Joyce-- Dr. Joyce Henderson.

- Oh, I'm Cody--

Dr. Cody.

- What? You--

Oh, you're good!

[laughs]

You are good.

He's funny.

[electronic music playing]

[lasers firing]

? ?

- What up, king? - What up, king?

- Uh, anyway, I just wanted to quickly bark at you, big dog.

Hey! Dakota, I got you!

Stop covering your sensor! That's cheating!

- I'm not covering!

- It's a game!

Just play by the rules and have fun! God!

So, yeah, look, I know you're not Matt's biggest fan.

But, uh, I just thought you should know,

between us, that Matt actually used

to have feelings for Serena.

- Get out of here. - No.

- Really? Matt?

- Yeah, so, uh, you know,

this might just be a little weird for him.

You might want to tamp down the PDA on his birthday.

You know, I think those feelings

ran pretty deep, know what I mean?

- Got it. - Yeah.

- Hey, it's good to know.

- Yeah.

[lasers firing]

- Really good to know.

- Dakota! You're doing it again!

You're deliberately breaking

the rules! - Ugh!

- Seriously, you don't have to wait with me.

I'm back in in, like, 40 seconds.

- I just can't believe he would blow our cover like that.

- You're getting shot.

- I wasn't ready to go public yet,

and then he just kisses me?

- Seriously, Brandon's just, like, lightin' you up.

So maybe you could undulate a little--

- Alex! - Sorry.

Okay, um, listen, I know that it's not ideal, okay?

But people know now. And has anything bad happened?

[lasers firing]

- No, everything's fine.

- Okay, then what's wrong? Do you not like him?

Try to sum it up in ten seconds.

- I like him.

We're having fun.

- Then what's the problem? - [sighs] I don't know.

You're right. [timer beeps]

I guess there is no problem. - Great, we fixed it.

I'm back in! Move! Move, move!

[laughs] [vest powers down]

What's this? What's happening?

- Oh, you need a battery pack.

Go to the front desk, swap it out.

- It's gonna be over by then!

- Oh, well, you better stand here and complain about it.

- Ugh, God! Get out of the way. - No running.

- I'm not running.

- Alex is right.

There is no reason not to give Steve a chance.

He's cool, he's hot, and he likes me.

And you know what?

I'm gonna go for it.

Yeah.

[high-pitched voice] Yeah.

- So about midway through, I got seasick,

and then they got seasick. - Oh, thanks, babe.

Oh, Keith was just telling us a funny story about a cruise.

- Oh, no, I was just saying how I was held up

at gunpoint on a cruise.

- [chuckling] Oh, my God. Hilarious.

- You guys having fun?

- Oh, we're having a great time.

- Ooh.

Whoa, uh, what are we doing here?

- Oh, sorry.

It's just Serena looks so beautiful tonight.

Can you blame me? - [chuckles]

- Matt, can you blame me?

- Oh, uh, no, she looks nice.

- Yeah, neat shoes. - Okay, thanks, guys.

[chuckles nervously] What are you doing?

- Ooh, you are tense.

- Oh, am I?

- I know your body.

- [clears throat]

- Chaplain Steve and I haven't always gotten along.

But now he's dating Serena, so he must be awesome.

Uh, or else... [chuckles] What the hell is going on?

Agh! [chuckles]

- So, yeah, it's been 26 minutes

of having a boyfriend, and it's really good.

Yeah, he's being totally normal.

I love it, how normal he's being.

- Hey, there you are.

[chuckles]

Oh, you talking about me? - [chuckles nervously]

- I'm just kidding. [grunts]

- Yeah, Arby's was way too corporate, so I left.

Now I got more time for my art.

- Well, sometimes you've just got to pivot.

- I'm not sure what's happening right now,

but could you just fix the machine?

- When I first saw you, I thought to myself,

hmm, painter or poet?

- Well, actually, I design stickers for skateboards--

mostly alien stuff but some "South Park," too.

- I'm pretty sure I can find the reset button.

- Hey, hey!

No one can touch the machines but me, man.

Listen, I'm just gonna finish this up

so this guy can stop bitching at me.

- Excuse me?

- Ron, shut up and let the man work!

You're being so weird.

- Oh, hey, want some cake? - Sure.

So, uh, what's your code name gonna be?

- My code name?

- You know, for the walkie-talkie.

You need a code name. - Uh, yeah, maybe M-Mat...thew.

- Oh, that's good. Easy to remember.

- And yet still entirely mysterious.

[both chuckle]

- Hey, you ready to get out of here?

Maybe call it an early night? - Oh, okay.

Yeah, um, it's ending in a few anyway, right?

- Uh, no, no, no, you-- you can't leave yet because...

uh, well, we already did gifts and cake

and shucked the celebration corn.

- Well, we could, um, you know, I don't know,

play another round.

I think there were a lot of problems with the batteries.

- Yeah, I'll--I'll pay for it, on me, another round.

- We can stay for one more, yeah?

- [groans] - You--you could be a captain.

We'll play teams, and you're a captain.

- Get out.

[mockingly] I can be a captain?

[chuckles]

[seriously] Yeah, I'll be captain.

- Yeah.

.

- Okay, Team Matt, line up on this side with Captain...

Matt.

Team Master Blaster on this side

with Captain Steve.

- Dang, that's a good team name.

- [claps hands] Why don't you pick first, birthday boy?

- Um, okay, I pick Serena.

- Oof, worst pick. - Seriously?

- Babe, come on, you know you suck.

Let's not gaslight.

Uh, I'm gonna pick...

my boy Bruce! - Oh!

- Let's go! - Yes, let's go.

Yeah, I'm in a tough spot.

On one hand, all I want is for Matt to have a great birthday.

And on the other, Steve and I are

absolutely gonna destroy his team.

Oh, man, I feel like I can't win here--

except at the game, like I said.

Hey, just checking in.

You remember what I said about that PDA stuff, right?

- Dude, good looking out.

I'm totally in his head right now.

I think he might cry. - Ah, yeah.

[chuckles] That'd be sad.

- Okay, two squads will enter. Only one will leave.

In three, two, one, deploy.

- I need help. Somebody help me.

- Let's go.

- Help. It's stuck, and I have to go potty.

- Sweetie, where are your parents?

Is this any-- - I'm gonna have a accident.

- [groans] Okay, let's just go really quickly, okay?

Come on. - It's not number one.

- Oh, God, please don't let me end up on the news.

[blasters firing on video game]

- Ooh, watch out with the--

Oh, go up.

Dr. Ron, you got to--

Just look over there.

Nope. Oh, darn. - [sighs]

- Game over.

- Hey, Keith, can I see your wallet?

- Oh, yeah. Sure thing.

Ooh, better get that.

[laser firing, vest blipping]

- Who is on my ass?

- It's me. I'm on your ass.

[laser fires, vest blips]

- No running!

- My bad, sorry.

- I don't take many people back here.

It's kind of like my personal corner, where I vape.

- Well, it's very intimate. [cell phone chimes]

- Oh, damn, Skee-Ball emergency.

I'll be right back. - Okay, I'll be here.

- Hey, Joyce-- Oh, God!

Uh, Joyce, did you do, like, a-a beauty thing

to your--your face recently?

- Well, if you must know, I did do a little bleaching.

Why?

- Just 'cause you're, like, glowing.

- [gasps] Oh, no!

Oh, no, I look like a Lorax.

Do you think Cody saw? - I don't--who's Cody?

- The smoke show I was just talking to.

Alex, get with it! - Was he looking at your face?

'Cause, yeah, he probably saw it.

- We got to fix this. We got to fix this.

- Oh, no, I'm about to play, so you--

- Yeah, Alex, I bleached my hoo-ha, okay?

You, me, bathroom!

- I don't feel like I can help with this.

- Your aim is [bleep], Pearson!

- Don't curse! There are kids here!

- Only kid I see is you...

and, uh, this blond one right here.

- Ow. What the heck?

You're being a jerk!

- Even if you win this game,

Serena's still gonna be with me.

- What? What are talking about?

[laser fires, vest blips]

- Dude, what are you doing?

We're on the same team.

- No, we're not, brother.

No, we're not.

[laser fires, vest blips]

That was for you, Matt!

- Who was that? Keith?

- What, Keith? Are you kidding me?

- [groaning]

Crap!

Keys--rolled on my keys.

[grunting] - That's cheating!

- Stop being such a nerd! - Stop doing that!

[both grunting]

- Come on.

- Welp... [sighs]

No sign of Cody since he was called away

on a Skee-Ball emergency.

Almost certainly an excuse to ditch me

after seeing my hideous clown face.

- Joyce...

Earth's fate is hanging in the balance.

- What was I thinking?

A hot, young stud like Cody?

God, do you know how much confidence it takes

to tattoo a lizard across your entire back?

- Cody is a loser.

- I am a loser.

I am a woman in my 50s with her cans out

in an arcade that used to be a Joe's Crab Shack.

I'm pathetic. - Oh, will you stop it?

Now, you are an intelligent, accomplished woman

who looks damn good for 50.

You're a bona fide catch.

Your only real crime is your inexplicably bad taste in men.

- [clicks tongue] Ron.

- Forget Cody and stop wasting my time

so I can get back to playing my game.

- Thank you.

You're a good friend.

Although a lot of what you said was borderline inappropriate,

and Connor from HR is here, so...

- I'm walking, not running!

[driving rock music playing]

[laser fires] Yes! I got you, Dakota!

Ha! Yes!

God, that felt good! Okay.

[both grunting] Oh! Oh, my God!

Boys!

Hey, Matt! Steve! - Hey, hey, hey, hey!

- Get off of him! - Break it up! Break it up!

- Break it up! Stop! - Okay.

- He tackled me.

- He's telling the truth, but there's context.

- Hey, hey, hey!

What is this, a Dave & Buster's?

Game over! Everybody out!

- Sorry.

- Out. Out!

Out!

Out.

- That was crazy. I don't even know those guys.

Okay.

.

- That was wack.

What kind of adult has a laser-tag birthday?

- I thought it was fun. - And the way he came at me?

Something's off with that guy.

[scoffs] Wasn't he in a cult or something?

- It's a homestead. They're different...I think.

- Whatever. Meet me at my place?

I'm gonna swing by Wendy's.

- You know what?

No.

- Okay, we can go to your place.

Your neighbor's cooking's just a little pungent.

And not to make it an ethnic thing--

- No, Steve, I think we should stop seeing each other.

- What do you mean? Like...

break up?

- It's been fun, but it's just not--

it's just not.

I'm sorry.

- Wow.

Okay.

Fine.

Yeah, honestly, great.

You know what? Your feet are weird.

- [scoffs] Okay, yeah, whatever, dude.

- I'm not the only one that thinks it.

- I'll see you later. - I'm--

All right, come on! We were kidding.

We didn't mean any of that. Come on!

Serena!

She's good.

Just give her a second to cool down.

[blasters firing on video game]

- Ooh!

Oh!

[cackles]

I did it!

I'm the new high score!

Hell, yeah!

Whoo!

- Hey, uh, thanks for having my back in the maze.

- Eh, happy to do it.

Always looking out for you, man.

- Thanks.

- Uh, so you feel ready to talk about your hair?

- What's wrong with my hair? - You know what?

Let's save it for tomorrow, end on a high.

- First birthday was okay.

I, uh, got beat up, kicked out.

Random dog chewed through a bunch of the presents.

So not exactly what I thought--

- Mat-thew, do you copy? Mat-thew?

It's Sere-na.

- Oh, uh, yeah, go for Mat-thew.

- I took one so we can talk at work,

pretend to be spies or whatever.

- Oh, uh, uh, cool.

That's--that's great.

- Hey, sorry about Steve. He was such a dick.

- Oh, no, he wasn't one of--one of those.

- Also, happy birthday, Matty.

I had a really great time.

Okay, over and out.

- Thanks.

Uh, over and out.

[sighs]

Uh, anyway, what was I talking about?

Um, first birthday...

pretty great.

- Yes, Ron can be a "grumpelstiltskin."

But, uh, he speaks the truth.

And I do not need to hook up with a young arcade guy

just to make myself feel better.

I mean, sure, the attention was nice,

but that's all it was.

So now I'm gonna go home.

I'm gonna watch "Chocolat" and call it a win.

I know my worth, and it's very empowering.

[bell clangs]

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