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Season 12 Episode 13 "Elementary School Musical"

Look at Kenny's lunch! A bologna sandwich and water!

Goddamn, your family's poor!

You wanna go see HSM3 tonight?

Bunch of kids from school are gonna go see it again.

What's HSM3?

You know, the sequel to HSM1 and 2.

What's HSM1 and 2?

There's not even condiments on his bologna sandwich!

What's HSM1 and- Dude!

It's only the most popular thing with kids in our age group!

Yeah, where the hell have you guys been?

Peru.

Then I saw HSM3 again on Friday and guess who was there?

- Bridon Guermo. - Bridon Guermo? He's such a dream!

I'd give anything to be with Bridon Guermo.

But he'd never go for me, I'm nobody.

That's not true, Red. Everyone has something that makes them unique.

Everyone is special in their own way

Move to the beat and let your spirit out

As long as we got each other We'll never have any trouble

- That's what being friends is about - Oh, yeah

Everyone is special in their own way

And we'll always be together as one

- What the hell are they doing? - I have no idea.

Together we'll stay

And every kid in school is special in their own way

Dude, girls are such fags.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Boys... are special in their own way

Girls... are special like a birthday

We'll always be dancing and singing it loud

Here he comes!

I like having fun in the hot summer sun

And grooving to the beat when my homework is all done

If you ask me what I know...

- Who the hell is that? - That's Bridon Guermo.

He's just a 3rd grader, but he can sing and dance better than anybody.

He's already seen HSM3 over 100 times!

Everyone is special in their own way

Special in their own way!

Let it out party people!

Are we the only ones here who are completely confused?

Yeah. I guess we better check that movie out.

You gotta go with the status quo

If you wanna be a regular Joe Come on now

And your dreams are only a beat away

Don't let them tell you no

You gotta go with the status quo

Keep singing about the status quo

That's the phrase we know Get down now

This is cool?

Singing about what we know

This is cool.

We are really getting old.

Go with the status quo

That's where we should go

It says this DVD sold more copies than any DVD ever made.

They just released part 3 in theaters and it made 80 million opening weekend.

I'm out, guys. If this is what's cool, I think I'm done.

I no longer have any connection to this world.

I'm gonna go home and kill myself. Goodbye, friends.

I don't care how popular being like these kids becomes.

- I'm not doing it. - Me either. Kenny?

- (No fucking way I'm doing it.) - We promise?

We have to swear to each other we'll never become this.

- I swear. - (I swear, too.)

OK. Good.

I thought you were gonna kill yourself.

I tried. Went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine turned on.

But you didn't die?

Freaking hybrids, man. They just don't do the trick anymore.

All right, kids in seats. Kids in seats.

Today we are going to discuss the Berlin wall.

This was a wall in Germany that actually separated

the communist east side and the democratic west side.

East side west side Whatever side that you're on

As long as we care about each other We can still all have some fun

Ah, man.

Don't sweat what you might get By seeing the other side as a threat

Oh, you kids!

We gotta learn to all get along

East side, west side It doesn't matter to me

We gotta learn to power through Set each other free

Don't care what other people wear Or the way they like to style their hair

Neither side is right or wrong That's why we gotta all get along

This sucks!

Do you feel like maybe you're losing her, Stan?

I don't know. There's nothing I can do about it anyway.

Maybe you should just talk to her. You know, a little conversation.

Tell her what you feel.

Sometimes you feel like there's a burn inside you like a-

Just stop.

All righty then.

- Wendy? - Hey, Stan.

Look, I just want you to know.

If you want to, you know, be with that Bridon kid, then you should.

What?

I see the way you two are together and I don't wanna be in your way.

Stan, that's ridiculous.

- It is? - I would never leave you for Bridon.

- Really? - No way! That'd be stupid!

I wouldn't have a chance with Bridon. He can be with any girl he wants!

There you go. Feel better, pal?

What am I supposed to do?

I can't sit and watch some kid steal my girlfriend away!

I mean, Wendy says she'd never leave me for him,

but what if she just doesn't wanna hurt my feelings?

She said he could get any girl he wants.

That means if he wanted, he could have my girl.

This is all so crazy. I mean really, how could my day get any worse?

No! No, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it!

- Come on! - No, fuck off. I'm not doing it!

Aw, jeez. You're no fun.

- Hey, Bridon! - Hey.

- Hi, Bridon. - Hi.

- Hey, Bridon! - Hey.

Hey, kid. Over here.

Listen. You know this whole singing and dancing thing you do?

I think you need to... ease off a little bit.

Yeah. You think the kids in the school like you, but

actually they're all getting really annoyed.

- They are? - You don't know

because you're a 3rd grader, but take it from me, you're driving everyone crazy.

I don't blame them. All that singing and dancing. I can't stand it.

- You don't like doing it? - It just isn't me.

What I really wanna do is just play basketball.

- Basketball? - I love it. Always have.

I never miss a game on TV, when my dad isn't making me rehearse.

I'd like to quit singing and dancing forever and just play ball.

You should do that. You should join the basketball team, right now!

- I can't. - Yes, you can.

What's stopping you?

It's my dad. He thinks basketball is for sissies.

If I don't do what he wants, he beats me.

No, listen. You need to take a stand and tell your dad what you want.

- Really? - When you're a 4th grader,

you'll understand you have to be direct with your parents.

Tell your dad you want to give up singing and dancing and play basketball.

You know, you're right. I'll talk to my old man tonight.

Sweet.

Sit up properly, Bridon. You know how strict your father is about posture.

All right, dear. Dinner's ready.

OK, let's eat.

- Dad, I need to talk to you. - That sounds emotional!

What is it, son? What's on your mind?

Whatever it is, you know your dad has the time!

- No, dad. Can we just talk? - If you can talk it, you can sing it.

You can lay down the rhythm and bring it!

Just put a melody to the words that you're saying and soon you'll be-

Dad, I wanna join the basketball team.

What did you say?

This kid at school today told me I should do what I want to do.

- That's what I really want to do. - Basketball?

No son of mine is going to be a sweaty little jock!

But it's what I really want.

There's no singing and dancing in basketball!

- That's kind of why I like it. - Don't you even think about it!

If I had a jock for a son, I'd be the laughing stock of the men's choir club!

- It's my life, dad! - Don't make me slap you.

I will slap your face so super hard.

I am the man of this house!

You disrespect me and you're gonna get slapped!

- Maybe you should let him try it. - What did you say, woman?

- You aren't being fair. - That's it. I'm gonna slap you!

No, please!

I slap you! I slap you! I slap, slap, slap you!

I'm slapping you, slapping you silly 'cause you disrespected me!

I need to copy your math homework before class.

You're not copying mine, you lazy turd.

Fuck you, Kyle!

And you know We're together at school again

With all of our friends

And you know We'll be doing this forever

My God, shut up!

What a special day

- Shut up! Shut up! - We can say that it's never...

going away!

What happened? I thought you didn't wanna sing and dance anymore.

My dad blew a gasket when I told him and then he beat my mom.

What did I tell you? You have to stand up for yourself.

Mr. Garrett!

This kid wants to play basketball. He's really good.

- Really? - I should be getting to class.

We sure could use you, kid. I can never find enough kids that wanna play ball.

All the kids and the school funding goes to the theater department.

You see? They need you. This is fate, kid. Fate.

I don't know.

Just come in at recess and shoot some balls with the team.

Yeah, just go in at recess and shoot some balls with the team, goddammit.

OK.

- Hey, that's great, Bridon! - Thanks!

We might have a chance at winning now!

Bridon!

What are you doing here? What are you doing here?

I was just messing around.

I drove by the school and saw kids on the playground doing a music number,

and you weren't there!

You're here in the sports gym shooting basketball hoops.

Hey, your kid is really good at this.

Don't talk to me, stupid jock asshole!

Just go easy on him, huh?

You know what this means?

It means you're about to get slapped, so you better shut up.

If he wants to play ball, you should let him.

I'll do it! I'll slap the shit out of you!

- He's just a kid. - You don't tell me how to raise my son!

- I'll slap it again. - Dad, stop!

You trying to turn my son into a little asshole sports person like yourself?

There. Another slap. Maybe you'll think next time you act you-

Slap it! I slap it!

- Dad! Dad, you're hurting me! - Shut up, Bridon!

What's going on here, Mr. Guermo?

Get out of my way, Mackey! You want a piece of this?

I'll slap everyone in this goddamn school if I have to!

You are never going to play shooty hoops, do you understand?

You are going to sing and dance and be the best at it.

- You're hurting my arm! - Stupid-ass boy!

Oh, that's good. That's good. Yeah, shoot that guy in the face, Kyle.

Yeah, nice.

You guys, this HSM thing isn't gonna go away.

I think we better just get on board with it.

- What? Are you crazy? - No way, dude.

We promised we would never do that. Remember?

- (Yeah!) - I know, but...

We're really starting to become outcasts at school.

We're losing all our credibility.

Look at who you guys are hanging out with now.

Scott Malkinson for Christ's sake!

What so bad about hanging out with me?

Shut up, Scott Malkinson.

"I'm Scott Malkinson. I've got a lisp and I got diabetes."

Hey, don't make fun of my diabetes.

"Don't make fun of my diabetes. I'm Scott Malkinson."

You can rip on him, but you guys are hanging out with him.

Don't you think your clout at school has slipped a little?

You're jealous of that 3rd grader. You think Wendy's gonna go for him

unless you sing and dance, too.

- (Yeah.) - That isn't true!

OK, that's totally true.

But you guys, we are at risk of becoming the unpopular kids.

Hey, that was my power up pack.

"That was my power up pack. I'm Scott Malkinson. I have diabetes."

HSM is so awesome.

- Mr. Guermo? - What?

We're from Child Protective Services.

There's some concern you might be physically abusing your child.

What? Who the hell's been saying that?

We got a call from a concerned student, who wishes to remain anonymous.

His name is Stan marsh.

You better just turn your asses around and get back in your little car,

because there's a world of hurt about to come your way.

Mr. Guermo, we need to come in and have a word with your son.

Oh, by all means.

You got the balls to come in here, do it.

Do it!

Hello, Bridon. My name is Mr. Kelly.

We just wanted to talk to you for a few minutes, if that's OK. And just maybe-

Yeah! There it is! Slapped you! You probably think I'm finished, huh?

- No! There's another one! - Oh, my God!

Don't worry, bitch. I didn't forget about you!

There's a slap for you! Slap! Slap! Slap!

Yeah, there you go! Here's a little reach-around back of the head slap!

Oh, God, please! You have to get away. He won't ever stop!

Oh, I'm going slap happy!

I'm going slap happy, slap happy!

Teaching you a lesson for coming in my house!

What are you looking at, Robertson?

They're here. The audition results for the school musical are in!

- You got the lead, Wendy! - All right!

- Who's the male lead? - No surprise there! It's Bridon!

All right. Bridon, cool!

I get to be a stand-in!

Congratulations, Bridon! Guess we'll be working a lot together.

- Yeah, great. - Goddammit!

No matter what I do, this kid just won't stop.

And now they're gonna be in a show together? Jesus, it's all for me!

They'll probably even have a kissing scene!

What did I do to deserve this? And what am I supposed to do now?

Someone's...

in the kitchen with Dinah

Someone's in the kitchen I know

Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah Strumming on the old banjo, and going

Strumming on the old banjo

Go tell Aunt Rhody

Go tell Aunt Rhody

Go tell Aunt Rhody The old gray goose is-

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to-

Hear the rhythm? Now is the time! The time!

It's time to go to bed!

Yes, time to call it a day!

- You the reach the stars- - Please! You have to do something!

- What are you interrupting me for? - It's our son. He's running away.

What?

What's going on here? What's this all about?

What do you think you're doing?

- I'm sick of you trying to always- - No. Sing it!

No! I'm sick of singing!

Can you believe it? What'd he just say?

What's the matter with kids these days?

- Kids these days... - Kids these days!

Just go right back to your room and sing a ballad, mister!

Just let me go.

Go ahead. Make my day.

You get upstairs or I will slap you

until there's little red hand prints all over your face.

Oh, my God! What was that?

Did you see that? Oh, my God! It hurt so bad!

What the "h" is going on?

- I had to see it to believe it! - I told you guys.

He's been watching HSM over and over again.

Actually, this is HSM2. It has a dance-along part.

We said we wouldn't a part of this fad and look at you.

(Look at yourself, man!)

You might be fine with being outcasts and hanging out with Scott, but I'm not.

You know what? At least Scott has some self-respect!

At least Scott doesn't cave in to peer pressure and start doing musicals!

Scott has a lisp and diabetes! Nobody's gonna let him do a musical!

That's enough. It's not cool. Lots of kids have diabetes, and you shouldn't-

"Don't rip on kids with diabetes. That's not cool. I'm Scott Malkinson."

Look, guys, the world is changing.

We can't fight it. We have to change with it.

I've been watching these movies and from the looks of it,

there's gonna be a lot more singing and dancing in high school.

And if you think we'll gain any respect by ignoring this thing

and being individuals, then think about this.

Right now, everyone thinks Butters is way cooler than any of you.

That's a low blow, Stan.

Third team foul on Westchester Bobcats, m'kay.

Ball goes back over to the cows.

All right. You ready to get in there, Bridon?

- I'm ready, coach. - Give them hell!

Just a minute to go in the first quarter.

Bridon, how come you weren't at musical rehearsals last night?

I joined the basketball team.

I gave up singing and dancing forever. I'm just not into it.

- You gave it up? - That's right.

You know, sometimes you just have to go with what your heart tells you.

There's things we're all good at. We can't keep them bottled up inside.

'Cause you gotta do what you wanna do

Don't let nothing get in your way Chase your dream every day

True, girl, you know it's true

That if you really wanna be you

You gotta do what you wanna do

He was unhappy 'cause he just wanted to play ball

But he finally got the courage to answer his heart's call

Just like me, all I ever wanted was to sing and dance

And now that I stood up for my dream I finally have the chance

You gotta do what you wanna do

Even if other people don't really want you to

True, girl, you know it's true

That the thing you want to do is the thing that you should do

Some kids think I'm strange 'cause I like studying for an exam

But I don't let that bother me because it's who I am

And I like nothing better than making fun of Jews

And ripping on black people though some people think it's rude

- But you gotta - Do what you wanna do

Just make sure that what you're doing is what's cool and popular with everyone

Chew, baby, chew and chew

Bridon, can we watch you practice basketball?

Sure.

- Dude, don't have restraint - Don't stress or you just might faint

(If you wanna get high and jack off, it's cool)

- You gotta do what you wanna do - Do what you wanna do

As long as what you wanna do is what everybody wants you to

Glue, baby, buy some glue

- Just in case what you're doing- - Hey, guys.

Hey, guys!

Where'd everybody go?

The girls all wanted to go watch that Bridon kid practice basketball.

But the girls like singing and dancing.

No. I think the girls just like that Bridon kid, no matter what he does.

But- No, we just-

No, wait! We just got good-