All language subtitles for Family Guy s24e06 Viewer DMs.eng

It seems today that all you see is
violence in movies and sex on TV.

But where are those good old -fashioned
values on which we used to rely?

Laugh and cry.

Here at Family Guy, about every 10 years
or so, we do an episode called Viewer

Mail, where we try out story ideas that
fans have submitted in the mail. Lately,

we've been getting a lot of DMs from
fans asking what mail is and also

suggesting story ideas.

Like this one from viewer Derek.

It's usually dudes. Who writes, didn't
Chris used to wear an earring one time?

Where'd it go?

Well, Derek, thank you for your
question. And as it happens, we have an

for you. An answer in the form of three
epic films crammed into six minutes.

Enjoy.

It all began in the land of Mordor,
forged in the fires of Spencer's gifts.

Sauron created the One Earring to rule
them all.

What followed was a massive war of elves
and orcs that will someday cost Amazon

Studios $2 billion just to get review
-bombed by racists.

And also, this happened.

Modern shrubbery, begin.

Yeah, awesome. I'm growing the crap out
of this fruit.

You have unlocked barley.

Sweet. I'll share it with my neighbors,
because hobbits are a friendly, peaceful

folk you can root for.

Also, the last people who would ever go
on an adventure, that's for sure.

Frodo, I need you to go on an adventure.

It's a very heterosexual quest, with
guys who call each other my dear a lot.

Where's your season one earring?

Hang on, Gandalf. I think I got it here
somewhere.

Sorry my hobbit hole is so tight.

But it's the hole I was given at birth.

Just, uh, just get that earring, please.

The truth is, my hole doesn't get many
visitors.

How we doing on that earring? Here it
is.

Oh, and it's hissing some kind of devil
talk at me. And there's stuff on here

about unlimited dark power.

Go pack your underthings while I
practice saying you shall not pass in

mirror.

Thank you, everyone, for coming to the
Council of Elrond, a meeting that I

called and then named after myself.

Cool. If there's one thing that's
awesome to show in a big action movie,

meetings. Where are we on the agenda, by
the way? And also, what's the Wi -Fi

password? Just use Rivendell Public.

Okay, is that what you're on? Don't
worry about what I'm on. Use Rivendell

Public. I feel like you're probably on a
faster one.

Look, we're here because Frodo has the
One Earring, and it must be destroyed by

returning it from whence it came, into
the fires of Mount Doom.

Yeah, Rivendell Public is super slow,
man. Anyway, you guys have to help Frodo

get there. I think we're all in
agreement that one simply walks into

aren't there... I like that reference,
by the way. Aren't there giant eagles in

Middle -earth? Can't Gandalf just fly me
to Mordor on a giant eagle?

No, you gotta walk.

Hey, I like being part of this group,
but I don't like that y 'all put your

backpacks on my lap. I'm not a chair.

I'm... I'm kind of a chair.

Thanks for escorting me to Mordor,
everyone.

You bet.

And what's great is that since the
soundtrack in these films is so

we can basically run any movie music we
want here.

Well, you're on your own from here.
What?

You're leaving Viggo Mortensen?

Yeah, sorry, I gotta go be in two more
things and then no more things.

I also have to leave, but not to go
check in with my parole officer, if

what you're wondering.

Yeah, and my beard kinda got caught in
the spokes. I think I have to unspool it

all the way back to where we started.

Ah, that's worse.

And I can only poop in my own apartment
in Lothlorien. Didn't know we were gonna

be out this long.

Oh, hey, I can tag along with you and
the precious. I mean, that earring that

don't have big feelings about one way or
the other.

Freaking great. So how do we get there?

Well, let's check the map.

This, um, this map is not very detailed.

Okay. No, seriously, why are there no
roads? And I guess these three wavy

are supposed to indicate a lake?

I mean, there's really no detail on
here. This is basically a child's menu.

would be helped by this? Look, this is
the map, okay? At least we know...

We go that way.

Why is they playing the theme from
Stripeses, my precious?

It's just... It's just a joke from
earlier.

Thanks, map.

Thanks, great detailed map.

All right, listen. I wanted to keep this
a secret, but I do know a shortcut into

Mordor. What? Where is it?

You just go through that tunnel. See
where it says Giant Spider Hole?

Is a giant spider in there? No, that's
just some kids messing around.

Rawr! I'm this!

Oh, frick.

What the hell, man? You tried to get me
killed.

That's it. I'm only giving you 14 more
chances, and then you can't be in my

quest anymore.

There it is. Mount Doom.

Yeah, but how are we supposed to get
there? This valley's full of trolls and

orcs and, oh, God, morgue from orcs.
Ladies and gentlemen, Elvish Presley.

Don't be cruel to the hobbits' crew.

Thank you, girl. Thank you very much.

Gandalf the Gray or Gandalf the Gay.

Hey, watch where you put that staff,
mister.

I can't go on. I'm exhausted from all
the riffing.

Plus, he did a gay voice, and that's not
okay anymore.

It's over, Gollum. We're not going to
make it. We're all alone, and our path

blocked. And I forgot to turn on my step
counter before we left the Shire.

Perfect. We could probably estimate it.
Oh, what, using the map?

All right, if you're going to keep being
like this, I don't want to be your

quest buddy.

Wait, look.

Where are all the Robin Williams' going?

I wonder if maybe there are some private
school kids somewhere not seizing the

day. Oh, Sauron, my Sauron. Okay, yeah,
I think it's that.

Should I watch these hobbits who are
probably coming to destroy me?

Oh, Galadriel's showering.

We finally made it. I know, and our
faces and clothes are much dirtier than

we started, so that means the journey
was lengthy and difficult.

Now we just have to throw the earring
into the fire. Oh, no.

It's the one true lord of the earring,
Harrison Ford.

Yes,

Harrison, throw it into the fire.

That's the last thing Sauron wants,
which is why he built a convenient land

bridge to the fire.

That involves the hearing off of my
plane.

What? He's so stoned.

It's done.

Hey, so I kind of need to go die with
the pressers. All I ask is that my death

scene be accompanied by a piece of very
dramatic film score.

Oh, come on, man.

Let's watch.

Good evening and welcome to Channel 5
News, Oregon. Coming up, moss and lots

it. But first, in summer trends, there's
an all -new race to be unjustifiably

prejudiced against, and it's called
Chinese.

Man, Oregon sucks so bad. For a state
called the Beaver State, this place is a

sausage fest.

I'm with pioneer Chris.

Having to pay for everything in otter
pelts is a hassle. Also, the Megs keep

dying.

You, you're the inside Meg now. The rest
of you come bury your sister very

shallowly. You know, I hear tell of a
majestic territory somewhere out yonder

called Quahog, Rhode Island.

Ooh, I've heard the same.

They say there's a whole small world out
east with minimal land just ripe for

the taking.

Why, it's the American destiny.

Manifest retreat.

Oregon's not so bad, guys. What about
the microbrews?

Silly beer. We're staying in Oregon.

And finally, tonight in sports, hope is
high for Oregon's premier athlete, Steve

Pre -Pre -Pre -Pre Fontaine.

We're leaving.

Ah, the journey begins.

And we've already lost a Meg to
dysentery.

Please, just... Don't put the cause of
death on my tombstone.

Nah, people need to know you died gross.

Explosive feels like an unnecessary
detail.

How's the Oregon Trail going for
everyone so far, huh?

Are we having a good Oregon Trail?

Let me know when you need snacks.

Does this Stewie want to kill Lois? I
don't know. Yeah, I'm not really sure

the rules are. I think I'm just going to
kind of lay low until this one

finishes.

Oh, no, we weren't counting on this
river.

Is there some way around it?

I don't know. Maybe we could check the
map. Oh, yeah, let's check the very

helpful map.

Chris. Hey, guys, while you've been
bickering, we lost another three megs.

I mean, I guess we could use the dead
megs as a raft and float across the

I'm being facetious, of course. I don't
think we should use the... One meg raft

later.

Hey, I think Chris is starting to lose
it. He's over there hosting a real

housewives reunion with snowmen.

Okay, let her talk. We're gonna let her
talk, and then we're gonna hear what

you're trying to say.

We're in real trouble, guys. If we don't
find a way off this mountain like now,

we're gonna die up here. All right, give
me one second. I'm gonna go pray on

this, because human brains are stupid
back now.

God, it's me, Peter Griffin's pioneer
ancestor.

My family is lost, and we need your
help.

Please send an angel who will deliver us
to safety in Rhode Island. God, if you

do this for us, I promise to stop
kicking over grave markers I see on the

of the trail. Amen.

Peter. Oh, boy.

Okay, God, if you could just send one
more angel. Look, I'm putting the gun

down. And maybe he could come out in
front of me where it's not a surprise.

Hey.

Hey, man. Look, just... Be cool, all
right?

I'm just going to do a pioneer miracle
for you and your family, all right?

Nobody else needs to get hurt.

You already shot Jerry.

He had a name. Now I feel worse.

He didn't have a family, though, right?
Angels don't have families.

Let's just do this.

There. That's Quahog, Rhode Island.

Sweet! Hey, guys, come on. I found
Quahog all by myself.

Ten points for Peter Griffin. That puts
Griffin at 620 points total, a new

Oregon Trail record.

Well,

family, we made it. And with just one
meg to spare.

Welcome home, everyone.

Peter, doesn't this house belong to
someone else?

Not for long.

Hey, guys, you had 1 ,000 years to
invent guns, and you didn't, so sorry.

I know, I know, this sucks, but all of
America did this, so it's not just me,

it's okay.

Ah, terrific.

Let's never teach about that in our
schools.

Oh, that's kind of a sad ending for
Native Americans.

Eh, it's not so bad. In 200 years,
what's left of the Doobie Brothers is

play at their casino.

Well, it's good to finally be settled in
New England.

Yeah, but you better get going.

Why? Because the only profession in 19th
century New England is being soaking

wet on a whaling boat.

It is a whale. That's not the one
specific whale that made me angry a few

back. Oh, God. New England stinks until
Tom Brady.

Welcome back. The DMs from viewers are
still rolling in.

Javier writes, hey guys, since the
Cleveland show was such a big success, I

wonder if you've considered giving
Quagmire a show of his own. Well,

success might be overly charitable, but
as it happens, Quagmire actually did

have his very own variety show back in
the 1960s. We've tracked down the only

existing episode.

Let's check it out.

Hey gang, I'm Glenn Quagmire, and this
is the Giggity Good Time Hour. Let's

the show as we always do, by totally
ruining a current song.

If one has got some very large boobies,
that one has got a very nice can.

They all are dancing very close to me,
that's why I say, Giggity.

Thanks, hon. Keep them coming till the
70s get here.

Whoa, how'd you all get in my house?

The implication being that I've had so
much to drink, I don't know where I am.

But no, I don't have a pricking problem,
a drinking problem.

We've got a great show for you tonight.
Now stay tuned while I vamp with

this piece of on -set furniture, and
that somehow counts as entertainment.

Have you ever seen such furniture?

Oh, boy!

We are having a wild time tonight.

Whoa! Hey, won't somebody help me with
this crazy couch?

You're watching the Glenn Quagmire
Giggity Good Time Hour with special

Orson Welles, Tiny Text, The Little
Person Cowboy, The Giggity Good Time

and the winner of the Man Booker Prize
for Narrative Nonfiction, Professor

Sharon Feinblatt of Cornell University.

Brought to you by DuPont Chemical.

DuPont, thank God you can't Google us
yet.

Thanks, Dal. This is almost it for me.
Just 18 more, okay?

Because I drink so much, 18 drinks feels
like not that many drinks.

Stop saying the premise of the joke you
just said. Just tell the joke.

Oh, somebody's at the giggity good time
door.

I'm sure it's not something wild and
outrageous.

What? This is the last thing I expected
to see.

They just keep coming.

Look at all this.

This is a wild... Hey, freaking easy,
buddy.

Idiot. Oh, so many bad people. Noise
equals fun.

What could possibly be zanier?

We hope you're enjoying the Glenn
Quagmire Giggity Good Time Hour,

Housewife Screaming Bags. We know you're
frustrated, ladies. Scream into this

bag. And now, here's Glenn with the only
reasonably attractive zookeeper in the

Western Hemisphere.

Now, who's this guy?

This is Chloe.

She's seven years old. And don't worry,
she only panics around cigarette smoke

and hair tonics. Oh, boy.

This reminds me of my weekend at Lake
George with Ava Gardner. Go to break.

it away, Smokey the sock puppet.

The Glenn Quagmire Giggity Good Time
Hour will be back in just a minute. No

ands, or buts.

We're back with the lovely Dr. Sharon
Feinblatt here to talk about her new

Now, what is it, Sharon? It's called
Days of Disorder, Weimar Germany and the

Birth of Modernity.

Fascinating. Get up and give us a little
spin, would you?

Uh, um, what?

Nah, I'm just joshing. Please go on
while I bite my fist in a caricature of

sexual longing.

So, um, my book posits that on its own
merits, Weimar Germany was a fascinating

laboratory of cultural innovation.

Great, and can you share some of the
recipes from the book?

Excuse me?

The joke being that if a woman wrote a
book in these times, it's obviously a

cookbook. You're doing it again.

This was a mistake. I am leaving.

And you should see a doctor about your
sweating. It's a real problem.

Oh, come on. You haven't even danced in
the giant birdcage yet.

Please give Dr. Feinblatt a big hand
while I scream at an off -screen

Who booked that person?

No! No, Roy! You can't just show me a
picture, and I say yes, and then you

tell me what she's about, Roy. Do your
job, Roy. Stay tuned for more of the

Glenn Quagmire Giggity Good Time Hour,
brought to you by Milk at Dinner. It's

still the 60s, so wash down your dinner
with a big glass of milk like a

psychopath.

Mr. Quagmire, Dr.

Dentist Orson Welles will see you now.
My God, I played King Lear in the West

End. Yeah, well, I'd like to leer at her
West End.

Dr. Lear.

Hey, guys, guys, not this one, okay?
This is my niece.

She's in this sketch as a favor to my
brother.

All right?

Go ahead, Denise.

I brought the patient's bill.

Oh, my God! Can you imagine?

Oh, this will be so expensive.

Oh, my God. It just keeps going.

Have you ever?

It's just the craziest.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, our time is
up. And not just our time for this

episode. The entire 1960s have
concluded. And the 70s will have no time

this. So for now, how drippy can one guy
be?

Three pints of moisture on me.

And you're asking, I bet.

Why is he looking so wet?

These lights are very hot, ladies and
gentlemen. Good night.

Thanks for watching the Glenn Quagmire
Giggity Good Time Hour, brought to you

Stepson Beating Belts. He's not your
son, but he'll do what you say with

Beating Belts.

Well, we've had a good time tonight. But
as you can see, our bow ties are now

undone and our shirt collars are open,
which indicates the end of a long, crazy

night. I said stop doing that. Thanks to
everyone who sent in DMs and to any

female fans who got direct responses
from me last night, I was hacked. We

you enjoyed the show and... What?

Who could possibly be knocking at the
Stewie Griffin Super Fun Door?

Well, this better not be something
crazy.

What a delightful surprise.

Oh, my goodness. They just keep coming
and coming.

There's so many of them. Have you ever
been so entertained?

The secret is out, and the truth may be
deadly. An all -new Doc, Tuesday on Fox.

I'm getting worse.

Are you worried about the baby?

Baby? I don't think I've seen you before
in this class.

Whoever sent you here lied to you.

Someone's coming after us.

The ferryman.

What are you doing?

I will do whatever it takes.

The treatment will be unsettling.

Get the hell out!

Sounds like you're letting yourself get
spooked by a boogeyman.

Memory of a Killer.

All new Monday, March 16th on Fox.

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