Original subtitles

♪ Just hear those sleigh bells jingling ♪

♪ Ring-ting-tin-gl-ing too ♪

♪ Tinga linga ling ling. ♪

♪ Come on it's lovely weather ♪

- Please, please no. ♪ for a sleigh ride together with you. ♪

♪ Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling "Yoo-hoo" ♪

♪ Tinga linga ling ling. ♪

♪ Come on it's... ♪

Think of the children!

♪ lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you. ♪

Warrgh!

This is it, Joe. This is it.

This is gonna be the perfect Christmas, just you and me.

Nobody else to smile at, like they did last year, not naming names.

Where was your mum and your sister?

I thought you weren't naming names.

That's not their names.

Come to the pub, you like pubs.

Don't you mean traditional, oldie,

worldie Christmas pubs with lovely, friendly villagers? I love it.

♪ Ding dong, merrily on high! ♪

♪ In heav'n the bells are ringing; ♪

♪ Ding dong, verily the sky ♪

♪ Is riv'n with angel singing. ♪

♪ Gloria... ♪

♪ Hosannah in excelsis! ♪

♪ Ding... ♪

See, lovely, friendly villagers.

It's more like Christmas village of the damned, something's going on here.

Nothing's going on, they're just ordinary, everyday folk.

Silently staring at us with cold contempt.

Duncan, stop it.

Hello there, sorry about the others, we just don't get many visitors around here.

Gavin, that's enough.

Hello, are you with the Bremer party?

Yes, yeah, that's us.

Are you the owner of the luxury cottage in the small...

...but friendly village that already feels misadvertised?

I am, name's David.

Don't mind them, these people just need a little lesson in manners.

Come on, let's get you inserted into the premises.

Bye for now. That was a good start.

I feel we can only grow to love each other from here on in.

And off we go.

Here we go, open the cottage.

And this is the kitchen.

Yes, I can create in here.

You've certainly got all the bits and bobs.

I've got more than that, David.

I've got backup bits and a whole spare set of bobs.

This is the most important meal of the year.

In fact, I'm gonna start the gravy now.

The bloody gravy.

Gemma, back in our house, Christmas Day was all about the dinner.

And when we do the turkey, Auntie Siobhan would do the gravy.

And my nan took her of all the veg.

I'm sorry, and did you want to recreate that?

No, I wanted to do it properly for once.

My mom somehow did the driest turkey in existence.

It was inedible.

After dinner, we'd all have to rehydrate like marathon runners.

David.

The last guest seemed to have left the food in the fridge.

No, that's mine.

It's yours? - Well, yes, of course, I live here.

Well, not here, here. I've got a little granny flat out the back.

But there's no room for a kitchen, sadly, so I'll be popping in and out.

Popping in and out?

It's just that the advert did state that we would be the sole occupants.

And you are, you are the only family I'm allowing to stay.

If there was anyone else here, it would be weird, wouldn't it?

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Anyone else would create a very, very weird atmosphere.

And I have to say, I'm looking forward to...

...what promises to be the best of all Christmas dinners.

Anyway, I'll let you settle in, then I'll pop back and plump up

your pillows later, and help you write your TripAdvisor review.

He's just invited himself to Christmas dinner.

I mean, he's the only friendly person we've met so far,

but boy has he swung the other way.

So, where did you put the turkey?

Me, I didn't put it anywhere.

You did?

I asked you to pack the turkey, remember?

Ooh, sugar.

I took the turkey out of the fridge, and then I saw a chocolate mousse in the fridge.

And then I ate the chocolate mousse, and then you were shouting me to hurry up and leave...

and then that's...

I'm so sorry.

So you didn't pack it?

We don't have a turkey for Christmas.

But we've got each other.

We've got nothing... nothing.

We are gonna be celebrating, nothing mousse.

Or maybe there's a shop in the village. - "Or maybe there's a shop in the village".

Well, I hope so, because tomorrow is nothing Miss Eve's Eve.

That's gonna be a pretty tense time round here, until Auntie Boxing Day.

What is it with you and mousse?

Yes, you beauty.

Hello. It's you.

Hiya, can I buy you a turkey please?

We haven't got any.

Who are those?

They're reserved for people who are part of the community.

Well, come on, it's Christmas.

You wouldn't condemn us to Christmas without a turkey.

What would baby Jesus say?

They didn't have turkeys in Nazareth.

And he was a baby, so he wouldn't have said anything.

Please.

Our turkeys are for members of this community only.

Now, if you don't mind, we're closing early today.

It's the start of the Santathlon.

Santathlon?

Community event, is it? It is.

So if I enter, I'll be a member of the community, won't I?

I suppose, but you'd have to win the contest to be accepted.

Then you can sell me a turkey.

I suppose I would.

Right, well, I'm in.

And as you can see, we've already done the structural work.

Was that a joke? - It was.

Would it break your heart if I didn't laugh?

It would have stopped if you had.

All right, come on then, tell us everything that's involved with this Santa thing.

So, what do you think?

I know it was about a rush job, but I reckon it did all right.

You would tell me if I looked stupid, wouldn't you?

I think given the time frame, you look as un-stupid as could be reasonably expected.

You know, after I lost my wife, I wondered why I kept her clothes. But...

now I see them all cut up and fashioned into a Father Christmas outfit.

Then it all becomes clear.

I'm sure she's looking now and enjoying me, wearing the cut-up remnants of her life.

I remember the Santa contest when I was a younger man.

It's so silly how seriously they all take it.

Hello?

Good, I'll be right there.

That'll be your washing.

Our washing?

Yes, had a bit of a whiff.

Wasn't smelling the best, so I sent it to the laundrette.

But it's ready now.

Just wait till you get your nose into it.

He's been sniffing our clothes.

Are we comfortable with that?

I look stupid, don't I? I knew it.

- Well, I didn't want to say anything. - It's because you haven't got a beard.

Yeah, that's it.

Not everything else.

Aye, maybe I can force a beard out.

No need?

We could use my wig.

What are you doing with her?

I got a sexy elf outfit to surprise you with on Christmas morning.

There you go.

Shall I pull it off?

You're going to blow on the way.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

I'm here for the Santa thing.

It's not immediately obvious.

This is your entry.

I've been told given the timeline that there's a very festive unstupidity about me.

Let him enter in it.

It's my year anyway, put on three stone for this.

You might as well give me the trophy now.

Done this before, have we?

Done this before, he asks.

I've got seven runners-up rosettes that tell you I have,

and they spell out nothing but winner.

Do they not spell out runner-up?

Robert, there's a reason we all call you bridesmaid.

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

Well, actually, joke's on you, because I know what you call me behind my back.

But I choose not to get riled up, making me the victor.

Very mature.

But that's not the only thing...

...that's been going on behind bridesmaid's back, is it? John, don't.

He might not know about it.

I know, Bella.

I know you've been having an affair with my Sandra the whole time.

It's only my fear of being left alone that kept me from speaking up.

So once again, you're making yourself look pretty foolish, buddy.

You're right, bridesmaid.

I look really stupid.

This is gold.

And the joke's on Sandra as well, because while you were having sex with her,

you were also having sex with a couple of the other wives in the village, weren't you?

So I married someone, it turns out, who isn't very special at all.

Another win for me.

Now, now, bridesmaid.

You just made my list.

What list might that be?

- The naughty or the nice list? - Shut up, Jim.

Yes, shut up, Jim.

All right, easy there, big dogs.

Let's not get too feisty.

I don't want to have to start cracking heads together.

Laughing up.

But as your local policeman, I think it's only fair to remind

you, I have been on the official police head-cracking course.

Yes, come on, boys.

You're ruining the competition.

Maybe I might win this year just once.

Ho, ho, ho.

I said sadness and anger.

Surely not on this, the celebration of winter solstice.

This year, I am Centaur Clausenhof,

a traditional, authentic Scandinavian version...

of what you may know as... Santa Claus.

And what might your name be, good man?

Centaun Clausenhof is often accompanied by Nekt Ruprecht,

which translates as servant Rupert, the empty-headed helper.

A festive fool for us all to enjoy.

Right, attention, everyone.

Let us begin with the first challenge.

And a special thank you to Bella and Duncan for making the pub look so lovely this year.

Shut up, you lot.

I didn't do much at all.

Duncan, Duncan decorated.

And now, for the gift giving.

You will all be judged by your kindness when giving your gift to...

the child.

And your ho, ho, ho, which we expect to be fully-chested...

...and brimming with festive cheer.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Excuse me, wouldn't it be a bit more Christmassy if we used an actual child?

There are no children in the village, so this is how we do it.

Right, I'll start then, shall I?

Set the bar for the other Santa's.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Beard removal, point off.

Medical emergency, point reinstated.

We go over this every year, Robert.

Right, I'm deducting another point for arguing with the competition official.

Move to appeal the ruling.

Denied.

Right, you next.

The outsider.

Outsider, outsider, outsider, outsider, outsider, outsider.

I'm only here to persuade her to sell me a turkey.

And begin.

Ho, ho, ho.

I wonder what could be in this box, fiberglass boy.

Hang on, something's leaking from here.

It's going to be that kind of Christmas, isn't it?

Yeah, you just stay there.

They might want to go over you, see if you've got any of Gavin's head on you.

Martin Buford, I'm the law around these parts.

Right.

You don't seem bothered about a decapitated head in the village.

We're a rural community.

We have all manner of accidents around here.

Farm machinery is notoriously brutal.

Yeah.

It's just difficult to imagine a hay bale of cutting off a man's head,

gift wrapping it, then leaving it on the present pile in the local pub.

You never know, you know, advances in modern technology, AI and all that.

We're a tight little community.

We never have any trouble here.

Unless you want a turkey.

Yes, you've met my Annette then.

She's very set in her ways.

God knows being married to her is a trial unto itself.

But she loves this village more than me, I think.

They said you killed him, yeah?

Or have I got time to make my escape?

Just leave me alone, Jim, for God's sake.

She'll be terribly upset.

Gavin was her first husband, you know.

Apparently better in the bedroom than me, but not as emotionally malleable.

Or so she says, anyway.

What are you doing?

Tidying, Duncan.

We've got lunches to serve tomorrow, and I can't be slipping on blood

and what looks like it might be a little bit of... Spine.

Yeah, Bella, I'm guessing the forensics guys might not be keen on you hoovering up the...

I want to say evidence, but... Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that's it, yeah.

Destroying evidence,

all the police college training coming back to me now, is frowned upon.

And illegal.

Or so I'd recall.

Poor Gavin's head.

Who could have done this?

Speaking as an experienced officer of the law,

I'd say there's one very obvious suspect.

Me?

I'm not vaguely suspicious.

What's that beard made out of?

Sexy half-wick.

I see your point.

You're an outsider, and isn't it interesting that before you arrived,

every single member of this village still had their heads attached?

It was you who tried to give Gavin's head to the fiberglass child.

I bet your fingerprints are all over that wrapping paper.

Yeah, because I picked up the presents.

You should be dusting the wrapping paper to see who else's fingerprints are on there.

The wrapping paper?

I threw it on the fire.

Was it important?

Nevertheless, I've got my eyes on you.

If there's even one more murder, well, I'll be best pleased.

Right.

Is it dangerous around here now, Martin?

It's just that my Duncan locks up the pub on his own.

It takes an ever so long.

He's got bad eyesight and sausage fingers.

It's a terrible combination for piddly padlocks.

I used to enjoy sausage fingers when we were courting.

But what if they become the death of him?

It's all right. Nothing to worry about.

Now that I've given Terry a good warning, I'm sure there won't be any more killing.

After all, one murder is unlucky, two that's unheard of.

Right, I'll leave you lot to your piddly bits.

I'll see you at the Santa parade tomorrow.

Yeah, Annette told me all about it.

How seriously are we taking this thing?

I've been building my sleigh for the last six months.

How about you?

I'm still at the pre-designed sleigh.

There's been a murder? Yes.

A Santa's been beheaded? Yep.

The one with no children?

Correct again.

Where everyone's weird, they all hate us and there's tons of secrets.

I'm running out of ways to say yes.

God, I love it.

Good.

Well, now can I get on with peeling the veg, please?

Because the only thing that can erase the image of that severed-blooded

head from my mind is the creation of a perfectly balanced gravy.

What's the Wi-Fi password?

Who wants to lock this place up?

Wi-Fi coming up, just give me your phone, Gemma.

Have you just been waiting outside?

No, no, no.

I just happen to be passing very, very slowly.

So they've killed a Santa.

Just a matter of time the way they go on.

Terry, let's solve this one.

What have we got so far?

So far, I've got the bears for the gravy.

Terry, focus.

We have to get in amongst it.

There's a case to be cracked and we have to crack it.

The thing is, Gemma, we don't.

We don't have to.

This is what we always do.

Let's solve a murder before the wedding ceremony.

Let's solve a murder before the end of the court's tour.

Let's solve a murder before the very saint drowning all of us on board.

Well, not this time.

Yes.

So the village is weird.

So what?

Just let them be.

I'm just going to be here making this dinner and then we are going to eat this dinner.

And then let's just go home.

We're not getting involved.

Yeah, you're right.

Really? I was right.

We're not getting involved.

This time, sod the restroom.

It's me and you.

We are going to have a fabulous Christmas.

Nothing.

Yeah, yeah.

Forgot about that bit.

Tell you what.

I'm going to help you win this competition.

Then you can get your turkey and you can solve a little mood.

Great.

Nothing is going to stop us.

Laser focused, Albie.

Just you watch.

Yeah? Good.

Because we've got about eight hours to build a convincing sleigh for the parade.

We'll do it in six.

Gemma, some of these pictures are very naughty.

What?

I'd get them all checked out.

Just focus, Duncan.

I've cleaned the rat traps and scraped all the grease out of the fryer.

Done the VAT, redesigned the menus and done a full stock take.

So you just have to focus on this parade, babes.

Go, Duncan!

Wow!

Susan, no giving out sweets, drinks or bribes of any kind.

Roll in, Brisbane.

To Dr. Poy.

I'm just spreading cheer.

Here Susan, please stay up on the diary.

Here you go.

Suck on that one.

Gemma, can we avoid the bumps, please?

I am trying, Terry.

If it makes your belly shake like a ball full of jelly, maybe we'll get extra points.

Susan, are there belly points?

I think I've earned belly points.

What about me, Susan?

It's Adele to get extra points.

Look.

I'm an elf.

Are you? Yes.

It's a funny story.

Ordered a sexy elf costume.

Thought I'd get the XXX version.

Yeah.

More sexy.

Don't doubt it was the size.

You're stupid.

You don't look stupid.

Rec, rue, prac, soffit, trolley.

You're really keeping up with this empty-headed thing, huh? Brilliant.

You look so stupid.

Mold won't rule.

Who says we can't have a little tipple at Christmas?

Rule in, Christmas.

Rule in, Christmas.

The only rule in life, Robert, is having fun.

I'm going to get one of them mold wines.

I need fluids after pushing you.

It's like a festive Luca's head sport.

I'll have a wine, please.

Help yourself.

You okay?

Have a bit more wine.

He's gone down the wrong way.

That's it.

Yeah.

Come on.

This happens all the time with Terry...

...when he's trying to eat a mini sausage roll without chewing.

The last time, Gemma, they're not a chew compulsory treat.

Dear.

Dear.

Bloody hell.

This isn't joking.

He's been poisoned.

Holy event, we have a Santa.

Down.

My God.

He's dead.

That's got to be a point deduction.

Are you serious?

No, you're right.

Disqualification.

You can't argue with the logic.

What do you want?

Just saw you sat here looking...

I want to say I'm great.

I'm grieving for a very dear, close friend.

Grieving?

Wow, that is not coming across at all.

Some people flail about in tears.

I prefer to enjoy a cold stillness when I grieve.

Yeah, there's a terrifying frostiness.

Frostiness.

That's it.

Thank you.

It's been bothering me for years what that is.

You have a terrifying frostiness.

I might go and do some police-y stuff.

Not because I've made Annette angry,

but more as a result of me making Annette angry, which is better.

Love you.

Hat still counts.

So, looks like John might have been poisoned by his own mulled wine.

Any idea who made the mulled wine? - He did.

Forever on about his bloody mulled wine.

Family recipe, he'd say.

But we all knew he bought it pre-made.

I hate the stuff.

It stinks.

It does, doesn't it?

It's like a sort of Christmas-y B.O.

Speaking of B.O., where's your sweaty husband?

Come on, parsnips.

Parboil.

Parboil!

The bloody cooker's gone off.

David!

Yes, was just passing and heard you the cooker, Right.

It'll be the fuse box probably tripped out.

Well, can you trip it in? - Will do. It'll take a while.

It's in the cupboard where I keep all the guest stuff.

You know, the usual toothbrushes, linens, all that sort of jazz.

Can you get me a new toothbrush while you're in there? I forgot mine.

They're not new.

I keep the old ones. As mementos.

Tell you what, I'll run one under the tap, if you like.

Hello, Martin. Come in.

Mr. Brenner, I'm here on official business.

Hence the hat?

Yes, the hat. I want to ask you a few questions.

Well, as long as it's not regarding my parsnips.

Ask of it.

After John died, you left the scene pretty sharpish.

Why would that be?

Well, to tell you the truth, I don't like the sight of dead Santas.

Of course, I needed to be getting back to me culinary prep.

Because unfortunately, we are not yet living...

...in the world of the self-par-boiling vegetable.

As far as I'm concerned, you are the number one suspect in this case.

Me?

Still, why?

You're not from around these parts.

You're just not.

And that's all you've got to go on?

You want to win this Santaflon pretty bad.

Maybe badly enough to start killing off the other competitors.

No, what I want, Martin, is a turkey.

Now, believe it or not, the possibility of celebrating a Christmas without one...

is not enough to turn me homicidal.

Can you confirm where you were at the time of John's death?

Yes. I was in a shopping trolley right next to you.

Right.

That's a shame, because I've got quite a few follow-up questions...

that were heavily dependent on you saying no.

Right, well, just be aware, I am watching you like a hawk.

Hello? Hello? Can I come in?

You might as well, everybody else is.

All right? - Not really.

I got parsnips at room temperature.

It's every chef's worst nightmare come true.

I might know something about these murders that you might be interested in.

I think I should probably stay for this, yeah?

Listen out for some clues.

Are you asking me or telling me?

I think both.

- And why are you asking me all these questions? - Sorry.

Sorry, it's a force of habit.

I'm Gemma Bremer from Bremer Investigations.

We catch killers.

Eventually.

Well, there have been two deaths so far.

How many more can we expect before you eventually figure out who's doing it?

We're not involved.

Not in this case. We're just here on our Christmas holes.

Terry would kill me if he thought I was here mooching around asking questions.

But you do seem particularly upset about John.

More than the level of upset someone would feel for just a friend, for example.

so you're thinking I was having an affair with John?

What? No!

And a little bit, yes.

Gemma, this is the countryside. We're all having affairs.

John was handsome, kind and masterful in the bedroom.

So why do you think I'd want to kill him?

Mmmmm... because he wanted to end it?

He didn't want to end it. If he hadn't died,

we'd be at it like rutting reindeer right now.

Gavin, he was the first victim.

He was your first husband as well, wasn't he?

Yes, until I got bored of him and had an affair with Roy.

Then I got bored of him, had an affair with Ed.

Bored?

Had a little thing with Mandy, but she was very annoying.

Then there was Andy, Peter, Jason.

Then another Andy, Martin for a while, then I decided to marry him.

Then I got bored of him and started an affair with John.

I suppose I'll have to look elsewhere now.

Aren't you worried that Martin would find out?

Martin? The defective detective?

I don't think he's ever found out anything about anything.

So what have you found out so far?

God, yeah, that'd be good to know.

You know, frosty reception, bizarre Father Christmas ritual.

A village that likes to hold its turkeys to ransom.

Ha! That's the tip of the iceberg, I'm afraid.

I know everything.

I've lived here all my life.

Worked for most of them from time to time.

Although they seem to like to sack me after a few weeks.

Ungrateful prats.

Does that sound like a grudge?

You're coming off very grudgy at the minute. - Right.

And they don't laugh at my jokes.

I made a particularly good headless Santa one earlier that got nothing.

I don't think it's the material. I think it's that you're very unlikable.

That's Susan. She's the worst.

She is, isn't she?

She's got a very spiteful face as well, to my mind.

She rules over that Santa competition like she's Queen of the North Pole.

Does the North Pole have a queen?

Is it a principality per se?

Or is it short for the North of Poland?

And should I also write that down?

All I'm saying is, you'd do well to keep an eye on her.

Keep. An. Eye. On. Her.

Who?

I'm worried it will be me next.

Not letting anyone know this if I was alive or dead.

He's right about that. Very true.

Yeah, lovely.

God. Open up all the wine, Terry.

We are getting sloshed tonight.

And you might want to put a towel on me when we go to bed.

We'll be a leaky one.

We're at that point in our relationship.

You're never going to let... Hello there.

You sleep in the same bed.

Annette won't let me sleep in the same room.

She sleepwalks, you see.

Gone for hours sometimes.

John was often good enough to find her and drop her off back at home for me.

Great bloke. I really miss him.

Remember what I told you?

It's not safe out there.

He's right. It's not.

Actually, could you walk me home?

I'm feeling a bit scared.

Hang on. You're meant to be the copper here.

Protecting the community.

Fine. Come on, then.

Right, well, I think I've learned all that I'm capable of here today.

But remember, Terry, "like a hawk".

A police hawk.

Umphf. What did they want?

To warm me, I think.

I'm just not focused right now.

They think Susan's the murderer.

The competition woman with the clipboard.

Could be.

Good job Martin's looking after this one. - The defective detective.

It's a good cover for a killer.

You what? - What? Yes, it is. Good.

Just let it all happen.

Not getting involved. - Nope.

Good. Because I'm enjoying being a bystander. I've never bystander before.

It's surprising how little energy it takes.

Yeah. Now.

Did I hear you mention wine? - No.

You heard you mention wine.

Well, let's stop mentioning it.

And let's start drinking it.

And then this oversized sexy Christmas elf costume is coming off.

And you might get lucky.

Besides the inevitable loss of life that seems to constantly surround us...

this is turning into our best Christmas ever.

Who's that now?

It's probably David.

Come to, I don't know, sample our DNA or something.

Whoever it is, tell them we're having our perfect, romantic, uninterrupted Christmas.

Arrrgh! - Terry!

Arrrgh! - Terry! Terry!

Surprise!

The taxi driver was saying there's been two murders in the village since you arrived.

Correct.

Do you ever think it might be you, Gemma? - What?

Well, she's right. You do have quite a dark energy.

I still don't understand what the two of you are doing here.

Well, we didn't like to think of you being here on your own. So...

ta-da!

And we couldn't be bothered to cook our own Christmas dinner.

And I know what you're like, Gemma. Leaving your little clues for us to join you.

A treasure hunt. Very festive.

Clues? What? What clues?

Well, leaving your laptop lying around.

So, all we had to do was power it up, figure out your password, then hack into your email.

Then go through that, find out from the booking website where you were staying.

And here we are. And it's clearly what you wanted.

And who do we have here? Extra guests? Usually there's a surcharge for that...

but when two such glamorous angels knock on the door at Christmas...

what kind of innkeeper would I be to turn your way?

And who is this? And why is it my skin started crawling?

This is David, Mum. He rents this place out...

while still living here,

which has the added benefit of being both intrusive and smothering.

The best thing is Patricia... completely blind to it.

They do love their little jokes, don't they?

Welcome to our happy little family, Patricia. And er...

I feel vile coming up when I look at you.

I mean, not a lot, but just enough to make me feel a bit suspicious.

This is Monica, David. - Monica, delightful.

Nope. - And this has ruined Christmas.

No, Gemma's already done that, hasn't she, Terry?

Gemma forgot to bring the turkey.

Gemma! So no Christmas dinner as well?!

Now we're calling it Nothingness. We're having Nothingness dinner.

Right.

Let's see this through to the end.

What are you doing?

I am mixing the dough for the cranberry and cinnamon swirl buns.

I will be serving warm for breakfast tomorrow.

I had to get up early,

because now I'm catching for twice the people I've planned on.

Are you annoyed? Has it ruined Christmas?

I know I forgot the turkey, but can we just let it go and try and have a nice time, yeah?

This is me trying, Gemma. Really trying.

I'll go then.

If you want to crack the case, visit the village hall. There is no time to lose.

Well, we have to go. - Whoa, no we don't.

No investigating, remember?

Terry, someone could be in trouble.

Now put that pet lip away for five seconds and come with me.

Welcome. What are we doing? - We're solving a murder.

Even though we said we wouldn't.

Well, let's just do it. Just as girls. It'll be fun. The Draper girls.

I'm a Bremer now. I'm married, Mum. - You'll never be a Bremer.

We are family, not him. That's what we do.

Christmas together, getting involved in people's lives, invited or not.

- And we can have Terry's dough ball thingies when we get back later. - No.

Which smell delicious. - Let's go.

Christmas, Christmas.

With murders.

I think there's two more before dinner time.

Look, we're the three wise women. - We are, aren't we?

Bringing gold, frankincense, and mur... der. Yeah? Guys? I did a joke.

Very disrespectful.

And on Christmas Eve as well. In!

Ooh. - Now that's a cracker.

I see. Crack the case and it's a cracker.

Help! I can't breathe. - Right, we're coming.

Er... wait, I once appeared after something very similar...

...to Party for the Backstreet Boys.

They were furious. They didn't know how I got in there.

Thankfully I'm gorgeous, so we just continue to party.

How does that help us now?

Well, it's just a nice memory that I thought I'd share, Gemma.

Help! Help, get me out! Help, get me out!

It's a woman's voice. Very shrill and annoying. Just like yours, Gemma.

Susan, is that you? - Yes, please help me.

OK, don't worry. Sit tight. Come on, girls.

But you'd better be grateful. These nails cost a fortune.

Gemma, what are we thinking? There's only one way to open a cracker.

Of course!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I don't think this is a good idea.

Gemma, we've got to get her out. - Mum, let's co-ordinate.

- Something's not right. - On the count of three, I give it all you've got.

One, two, three.

No! Zabanga! Zabanga! Arrgh!

Oops.

Here we are.

Stop banging it in the middle of another bunch of bloody murders.

I mean, you promised me, Gemma. You promised me.

This is all rather awkward though, isn't it? Technically, those three killed Susan.

So that's all four of you under suspicion, really?

It could be a gang. A murderous gang come to the village to kill us all.

Who are you? - No. Look, we were trying to save her.

We killed her unwittingly.

We were just being reckless. That's it. That's it. We killed her recklessly.

She's in the clear then. Recklessly killing someone is not a crime.

Yes, it is. It's called manslaughter. - Is that what that is? God.

I have let an embarrassingly large number of people get away with that.

As soon as I heard the news, I came running. Is everyone all right?

Ruprecht? Are you in shock? Or is that reaction all your empty mind can muster?

Leave him alone. Just his resting face. It's not his fault it's vacant.

And what might your name be?

Centaur Clausenhof is often accompanied by Liesl,

the sultry redhead spirit of the forest.

I'm not sultry. I've just got a mard on. And it's Gemma.

I saw you at the parade. You have lived in my mind ever since.

I can live in your mind if you like. Or on your lap, face, whatever suit.

And I might not be in your age bracket,

but if you'd like to take a right in an old classic...

I'd happily leave the top down.

An elder offering her body for sacrifice. Thank you.

But sadly, Centaur Clausenhof has some standards.

What's wrong with you?

You're uninvited mother and sister have killed the woman who runs the competition.

So literally, I have no chance now of getting us a turkey.

Agh, back to this, is it?

I'm going to knock up a delicious gravy,

which, thanks to someone, we'll be pouring onto half-empty plates.

That is, if there is anyone left to eat it at all...

or are you three planning to get in a bit more manslaughter before I serve up status?

Hello?

Who are you?

Can I ask you some questions?

I've got a pesky murder thing going on, and apparently that's what I'm supposed to do.

No, don't go away. Now, let's not be silly. Don't be shy.

You calmed down while I was in the shower.

What was all that about anyway?

Pouring gravy on a half-empty plate?

Are you going to get over this or what? - No.

This should have been a perfect romantic Christmas.

Yeah? Now it's ruined.

I mean totally ruined because of your stupid mum and your dandy sister.

How dare you? - I'm fine with it.

No.

Between the three of you, you've made nothingness.

Well, I was going to ask you if you wanted to go on one of them Christmas walks...

and have one of those great chats that you were looking forward to.

But you know what?

I think it'd be better if I went without you. - Well, maybe it is.

Yeah. - Yeah?

Give it time. She'll calm down.

She's my daughter and I love her, but she's as stroppy as the day is long.

You can say that again.

One strop after another since she got here.

I don't know how you had the patience to raise her, Patricia.

It's not working.

I have been chatted up many times in my life.

But you're the first man who has ever chatted me down.

Now he stands a chance.

Liesl?

Okay, Gemma, um... I just wanted to say sorry about before.

Save it, Samuel. I'm going for a walk.

Anywhere nice?

Field, forest, general countryside. At this point...

all I'm after is somewhere green that smells of poo.

Walk? Yeah, I thought I'd take one too.

I'll come with. It's the kind of thing I do.

Spontaneous and likely to build up a sweat. - Then I shall accompany you.

A guardian to protect your honor and perhaps win your heart.

No chance.

It's such a beautiful part of the world, isn't it? My home.

I mean, I live in a house, obviously. A rather pricey new build, actually. But...

oftentimes I come out here because it's just so damn enchanting.

Yes, you know, like me.

When I'm naked and oiled.

What more do I have to do?

Er... not enjoying the walk?

Perhaps I could beckon a deer to eat from your hand or stomp on a badger's scent.

Scale one out. You could look at it for a bit.

Does this usually work? This man of the forest crap.

Well, yeah. - Ooo.

Also, I'm very good looking. I don't understand why it's not working on you.

I just need something more.

And I have that.

What? In Rupert.

Terry, yes. - But he's the Christmas fool.

Sher? - Yes.

Can I, with...

great reluctance...

ask your advice. - This should be fun.

No. I was just thinking maybe I...

Overreacted about Gemma forgetting the turkey?

And perhaps you should have seen that she already felt guilty about it.

And maybe you should have had a little bit more understanding.

Yeah.

She should have... - What, make it up to her when she gets back?

- By giving her the best nothingness she has ever had? - Yeah, yeah.

Well, I think you have to make your own mind up about that sort of thing.

Thanks, Patricia.

I will warn you that Samuel has gone for a walk with her and Monica.

Got designs on her. He has.

Now, I'm not saying she'd do anything because she's pledged herself to you in marriage.

But, back when I was married, I'd have given him a knee trembler...

marriage vows or not. - Samuel.

Why don't you say anything?

A knee trembler, you say? - No.

I think some women need a bit of substance in a relationship, Samuel.

Substance? - Guys, look at me.

Substance. I see. Okay.

See? - Not me.

Superficiality is all I'm after.

It doesn't look good on Instagram. It doesn't look good on me.

Um. But, Gemma.

No. No. This is not how it works.

I get the boys I want and Gemma gets the leftovers. No.

You're overreacting a little bit. - I am. I am overreacting. You know why?

Because I'm good at it. I want you, so I should have you.

- Gemma won't feel bad about it, will you, Gemma? - No.

But, can I just say? - Say? Say? You don't need to say anything.

Just do. Do me. For Christmas.

Shut up, okay? Just shut up.

Everything has to be your way, doesn't it? The way you want.

You're as bad as all the others.

They all want this perfect little village and their perfect little lives.

Okay, you're getting a little bit intense. Still keen, but let's not go any darker.

Did you ever think, Gemma, maybe these murders are what they need?

Show them they can't have everything they want.

Maybe the killings are a good thing. Maybe the murderer is right.

Argh!

I've changed my mind. You can have him, Gemma.

He's a psycho. I mean, not good psycho, where it's romantic.

Bad psycho. - Very poetic.

Gemma!

I'm sorry! Gemma!

Gemma, please!

Gemma!

Gemma!

That's not good.

I think we might head back now.

On our own.

At what, at first glance, may look like running.

Run. - Is that all you want, Gemma?

Pass up the opportunity to be with me? - No!

That's more like it.

My God, no!

Jack.

Who?

Jack, the local handyman, disappeared at the weekend.

Everyone thought he left because of the Santathlon.

He came in last, last year. The shame nearly killed him.

Well, something else actually has killed him this year, Samuel.

Something, or someone, or some...

Just the first two, actually.

Right.

There's no climbing out.

And if I fall, I'm on you lot, aren't I?

There's only one thing for it.

Time to start screaming.

Help!

I'm in a hole!

I'll, um, run back to the village, sound the alarm with the townsfolk.

Yeah.

Why are all the ones with pert bums absolute maniacs?

Can I keep myself in that?

Who are you? - And did you do this murdering?

Ooh. - You are strangers here.

I hope you and your husband haven't been planning to stay here and have kids.

Because if you do, they're not going to like that.

They're not going to like that one little bit.

I'm going to start running now, excuse me. - It's cold, I'll join you.

If anyone's coming to help, now would be a good time.

It's going to be night soon.

That's when things will get really, really very scary.

I'm sitting down but only out of a sense of comfort.

I want to feel small. Make myself less of a target for predators.

Auh. It seemed so much further on the way back.

- It was worse for me. I have a fear of being killed. - So did I.

Gemma, they killed the pretty one first. You of all people should know that.

David!

What are you doing?

Hello Gemma. I was just sniffing your mum's feet.

What?

Oohh.

...look at her.

It's just like Christmas when we were kids.

Where's Terry? - He'll be in the pub.

It's where he always goes when he's in a huff. He'll roll in in the small hours.

Big day tomorrow. I got you a surprise present.

You're going to love it. - Well, I hope you've kept the receipt.

Please talk to me.

It's been hours.

Hello?

Have you gone?

Wow.

I think we can call this a thorough search of the area.

Hello?

Is there someone there?

It's Martin.

The law around these parts.

Whoa. Whoa.

Augh. Augh.

Gemma.

I'm really sorry. I've grown as a person, I think.

Maybe all I needed was to sit in a hole.

Also, something's crawled up my leg.

I think it's trying to find a home in my personal areas.

So we might have to look at that when we get home, Gemma.

Gemma!

I found what had crawled up my leg. That's a relief.

Turns out it was a worm.

I ended up eating it.

We could have a laugh about that later.

I had some dead by then.

Always cares we can have a laugh in the next life.

Morning, Mum. Merry Christmas.

No, no, Gemma. No shouting. You know, Mummy likes a quiet Christmas morning.

I was absolutely knackered after that walk yesterday. Didn't even hear Terry come in.

We'll go back out again this morning. I mean, he must have been absolutely hammered.

Started brushing my hair in the middle of the night. I had to bat him away.

So, are you coming to the Santa competition to cheer Terry on?

No.

Presents. I want my presents. - No, Monica.

We will wait to do them with Terry. He's put a huge effort into this Christmas.

Including putting up with you. Turning up uninvited.

So, we will wait. Understood.

Mum, she's giving me that look.

It's the same look that she gave me when we were teenagers when she broke my thumbs.

Do as she says and I'm not driving you to hospital again.

Crying about your lost hitchhiking career.

We're going to make this up to Terry, yeah?

Gemma, I'll make it up to you.

But you won't though, will you?

Wellie Watkins.

Hiya.

This should be fun.

No, no, no.

So now, the next Santa challenge.

Let's see how this plays out.

Come on, guys. I know we've had a bit of bad news during the competition this year.

But if we don't crack on and get it done, then the killer wins.

This is supposed to be fun, remember?

Sorry. My heart's a little bruised right now.

One of the outsiders has upset Samuel. Typical.

That's what's dulled the mood.

I think it might be the string of dead Santas.

And one elf, Gemma. Let's not forget what you and Mum made me do to that elf.

We're going to finish this competition, Gemma, if that's all right with you.

We've been doing this for decades in this village.

And we're not stopping just because a few contestants have... withdrawn.

Righty-ho.

On you go, then. Let's see your little game play out to its final conclusion.

The final conclusion is to be at the head of the table for the village dinner.

- Nothing more. - She's a spiky little madam, isn't she, Gemma?

She is, Mum, yeah. - I know. I can smell my own.

So where's Terry, then?

You know what he's like. He's probably getting ready for the competition.

He's probably psyching himself up somewhere. - Augh.

Why are you here, Willie? - To watch you die, silly.

You put me in jail, took away my life, and now I'm going to watch you lose yours.

But I don't want to die. I want to have Christmas with Gemma.

You should be with Gemma, shouldn't you?

In fact, if you'd have just come with her,

you'd have never fallen in this hole, would you?

Too obsessed with your perfect Christmas dinner, weren't you?

The dinner? If I don't get it in the oven soon, it'll be ruined.

What am I going to do? - You're going to starve to death.

But don't worry. I'm going to be here for the whole thing...

having some starvation banter with you. - This has been the worst Christmas ever.

And you'll be dead by the end of it.

Gemma!

Right, it's the race to the top of the chimney. Best time wins.

Who's going first? - Me, me.

I've been practicing on my homemade chimney all year.

Fine, and Robert to go first. Round of applause for Robert.

This is it. John beat me on this last year.

It's going to be a lot slower now, isn't it? - Just begin, Robert.

Three, two, one, line!

Isn't this impressive?

My Duncan set this whole thing up last night.

I am Santa, I'm going to win.

Are you saying I should be focusing more on Gemma's happiness...

and less on my search for culinary perfection?

If that's what you want to take from all this...

then yeah, I suppose something like that.

Thank God. I thought they'd be filled with spikes or something.

I need a drink. Everyone to the pub, even the outsiders.

Drinks are on me.

I must say, while it's not like I would decorate,

a little too elegant for my taste...

but I do like what they've done with the place.

It wasn't me. I keep telling everyone.

Yeah, I laid the carpets, got the license, ordered the stock, did the pricing...

deloused the seating, cleaned up the vomit and ran the pub quiz...

so that my Duncan could concentrate on the biggest job of all.

The Christmas decorations.

Well, let's hope he didn't put the severed head in the Christmas presents.

Always a red flag for me. - I'm going to say...

No, Gemma, first severed head, I am out with very few exceptions.

Duncan decorated the pub.

So what about John's mulled wine? Annette's said...

Well, we all knew he bought it pre-made.

Where's the only place that you can buy booze in this village?

I don't know, here? - Yes, here. Duncan's pub.

The very same pub that when Duncan locks it up...

He'll be outside all on his own.

It takes him ever so long.

Long enough to stick Susan in a massive cracker, I'd say.

Then Duncan put up the fake chimney that killed Robert.

Yes, thank you, David, for being uncharacteristically not irritating.

And all this because Duncan wants to win a stupid competition.

Just once. I think that's what you said, isn't it, Duncan?

Maybe I might win this year. Just once.

Well, I suppose you could put those facts in that particular order.

And I did, babes. There you go, everyone.

Duncan's the murderer. - Ooh!

Someone go outside and grab the police. - I'll get them.

Don't worry, Patricia, I'll be right back. - Ogh!

One killer caught, one Christmas saved. Take him away, Martin.

Martin?

Where is Martin? - There's a point.

Where is my Martin?

Come on.

No. No, wait.

Duncan.

Why?

I broke my bloody back making this pub nice for you.

I regrouted the men's urinal.

I installed the disabled accessibility lift.

I knocked the bar through to the lounge.

I rewired the snug.

I threw out the drugs.

And I redid the pointing on the entire front of the building and for what, Duncan?

So that you could just waltz about, killing the bloody customers.

It's not me.

Well, that was hideous.

Now you can give me my presents.

No.

We have to wait until we're all together.

Where's Terry?

Actually, where is Terry?

Have you seen him today?

Well, you said he was trying it on with you last night.

Er... this is a little awkward.

Terry didn't come home last night.

I'm afraid Gemma may have misconstrued my tucking her in as something else.

I forgive her entirely, of course.

So who saw him last?

I gave him some good advice.

And he saw how silly he'd been when you had your row and went off with Samuel.

So, he ran off into the woods to find you. - Terry?

Lost in the woods? - Yes, without us, his loving family.

Well, loving is pushing it a bit, but anyway, without us, his family.

My God.

He'll be dead then. - No.

We're going to look for him.

Terry. - Terry.

Terry. - Terry.

Terry! - Terry.

Terry.

Once we find him and retrieve the body, will you leave?

- Well, we don't have to. You don't own this place. - Terry.

Just being protective of where we live, there's nothing wrong with that.

If we make you welcome, before we know it, the whole village will be full of strangers.

And in they'll come, into my shop, demanding to see a hygiene certificate.

You don't have a hygiene certificate?

Wanting all sorts. Quail's eggs, pulled pork, slow cooked something or other.

Sourdough as far as the eye can see,

wanting pale ales and asking where the meat's been sourced from.

I say, the more murders we have, the merrier.

You caught Duncan too soon.

Once news gets out, no one will come here.

Oooh... what's wrong with her?

She's scared of change.

The change. Doesn't worry me.

They say it comes to every woman, but I'm not going to bother with it.

Me neither.

Help!

That's him. Come on, Monica. - No thanks, Gemma.

He's not my fella, so I'm not as excited as you are by this.

Willa.

I think I've learnt the lesson that I fell down here to learn.

I honestly couldn't care less.

And will I be visited by any more spirits this day?

The ghost of Christmas Dinner passed, or the Christmas Dinner yet to come?

Terry, I'm a hallucination. How the bloody hell do I know?

I'll never forget what you... said.

With that, who would go?

Just the faint hints of sage and onion stuffing in the earth.

Terry. Are you all right?

Gemma, I'm so happy to see you.

Right, I'm coming down to get you.

No, don't come down here.

I needed the toilet in the night and... I did it here.

Why have you got one bare foot?

As a direct consequence of what I've just told you,

one of my socks is no longer fit for purpose.

He was inside a giant Christmas stocking...

...with a massive candy cane stuck in him and he was looking like this.

It was a local handyman, Jack.

He almost died of shame last year...

but now he's dead because of too much candy cane and not in a diabetic way.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I've only gone and caught the bloody killer.

What?

You've caught the killer?

I know I promise not to, but... - But...

We're not only part of your community, we've just saved your community.

So, Turkey, now.

No, you haven't won yet.

The competition isn't finished.

We had the little hiccup with the chimney climb,

but now we're all safe, there's still one event to go.

Once I find where my bloody husband's been hiding himself.

Fine.

We'll live without your manky turkey.

We'll go home, I'll get the mostly veg boiling,

I'll pop them in the Kiev bowl, in the oven...

and then we'll open our presents.

You know what?

You've not won any.

I'm still leaking out a little bit of joy...

...from an otherwise desperately unhappy situation.

Little do you know, that's what I've done most of my life.

When we open that champagne this Christmas,

it's going to be one of the best I barely remember.

Just leave it, let's go.

While they were dragging you out of that hole,

I broke into a shop and nicked a turkey.

But it's still got bits of glass in it from where I smashed the window,

but if we're careful, it'll be fine.

Monica, I could hug ya. - Well, if you do, I'm putting it back.

Now hurry up, it's dripping on my leg.

♪ It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas ♪

♪ Everywhere you go... ♪

Merry Christmas! - Cheers, Mum.

Merry Christmas to all, what a perfect day we are about to enjoy.

No! - No?

I'm sorry, David. You're a lovely... Well, more accurately, very needy man.

But this is our family Christmas, and we want to spend it with just family, please.

I see.

There I was thinking that you consider me as family.

We don't. Jug on.

Without being that rude, David,

and I mean this in the nicest possible way, you are the stuff of nightmares.

I see what you mean.

Then I shall leave you be. - Thank you.

Although I had wanted to say that I'm very proud of you, Gemma.

Catching that killer was nothing short of genius.

If I'd had a daughter, I'd want her to be just like you.

What? Not me? - No.

But I'll let you enjoy your day. I'm off to the Santa competition finale.

I've been helping them set up all morning. Sad, really.

It's only for those who are left in the running after this whole mess.

It's ironic, isn't it?

For years I've been saying it's bloody murder living in this village.

I guess I was telling the truth all along.

Shall we do presents?

After dinner?

Which is a mere four hours away?

Four hours? Well, I'll be bladdered by then.

I'm perfectly fine with that.

No complaints here.

Why aren't these boiling yet?

Well, the bloody cooker's off again! Bloody hell, David!

He's not here, remember? He's gone to the Santa competition finale.

Bloody temporarily, he has.

You're going to come back here and fix my cooker.

Well, just don't let him near me, the creepy little sod that he is.

Wouldn't mind, but he's got no money. - No.

Where's the bloody finale then?

You go that way. If you find him, meet me back here.

You know what?

After much thought and reflection, I've decided to resign from the Santatollon.

Effective immediately.

David!

David!

- These people just need a little lesson in manners. - My God.

So they've killed a Santa, have they?

Just a matter of time, the way they go on.

David! - This should be fun.

For years, I've been saying it's bloody murder living in this village.

Then Duncan put up the fake chimney that killed Robert.

It's not me! - Bugger.

All right, I'm trying my best.

On the bright side, at least you found Marty.

Behind you. - What...

Terry! I've figured it out! It's... arrgh!

I'm glad you came, Terry. You're the final one.

The final Santa.

Then there's only me left.

The last Santa standing.

And I win.

It's... I wasn't going to bother, but... - The cooker went off, yes.

I had it on a timer. Nothing wrong with it, really.

You don't need to do this. - Yes, I do.

For years, I was part of this community. I put my all into it.

Joined in with sneering at the outsiders,

spent thousands on making sure our garden was up to scratch.

And when my wife was found to be irritating by the other residents, what did I do?

You killed her.

No, I divorced her. I'm not a lunatic, Gemma.

Then...

all right, I was not a lunatic at that point.

And to be fair, she had become dead to us. Awful woman.

And then what happened?

I win the Santa competition year on year,

spending hours in my costume perfecting my mannerisms.

And one by one, they all started to hate me for it.

You never gave anyone else a chance. - I just wanted you all to love me.

But you pushed me out. So I knew I'd do the one thing that would hurt you all.

Bring in outsiders.

That's why the house is on Airbnb, Annette.

And when this is done, I'll have the whole village to myself.

This will be the village where all the murders happened.

The house prices will plummet, and I'll buy the lot, then I can rent them all out.

And fill this place with all and sundry.

And fill this place with people who aren't like you, Annette, you harsh little shrew.

How dare you?

He has got a point, Annette.

In these situations, it's best to take home truths on the chin, yeah?

Augh.

You and David join a tipple, celebrate the big day.

No, no.

You put the brandy on the pudding, don't you?

Before you light it.

No, no.

You can't think you're going to walk away from this, David.

People will know what you've done. - What Terry's done, Gemma.

In the ashes, they will find both of you.

The frustration of a simple turkey, which your family will testify to.

They sent you mad.

Your hate for this village is easily believable, Terry.

And when Gemma tried to stop you, she had to die as well.

Before guilt made you turn the gun on yourself.

Or was it Gemma?

Me? No.

Mind your neck, Ed.

I'm one of the good guys, but girls, people, people, person...

I'm a good person.

This place has already sent you mad, hasn't it, nosing around...

asking questions, getting obsessed with one thing and one thing only,

and we all know what that is.

Where the children are? - Yes.

The big secret, where the children are.

Why don't you tell them, Annette, where are all the children?

No. - I think it's time you told her, don't you?

Our children don't like us.

It's true.

Catherine!

The reason there's no children in this village is because we don't like this lot.

Nobody's children stayed here or even come back for Christmas...

...because of the way these people are.

I'm Catherine, Annette's daughter, or rather, I was.

You became a vegan.

I'm a bloody butcher, Catherine.

We don't have vegan children.

Being a vegan is the only rational response to an irrational woe.

You see what I'm dealing with?

I tried to talk her out of it more than once. Many, many times, actually.

But you nagged and nagged and chipped away until she decided she'd had enough...

and didn't want to bother with you anymore. - How did you know?

I also have a mother. - Huhum... sorry to interrupt.

Man with a gun and a plan here, could we all focus on the matter in hand, please?

Catherine, you can be another of Gemma's victims.

Gemma, if you'd have been as good an investigator as you claimed,

we wouldn't be in this position.

I'll have you know we've found that...

...by letting the murderer kill... repeated victims...

It's the best way of reducing the suspects.

I can't help thinking how ashamed your mother would be if she could see you now.

♪ Santa baby, just slip a Sable under the tree for me ♪

♪ Been an awful good girl ♪

♪ Santa baby, so hurry down... ♪ - David.

♪ the chimney tonight ♪ - shoot me now, please.

♪ Santa baby, a '54 convertible too, light blue ♪

♪ I'll wait up for you, dear ♪

♪ Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight ♪

What are you doing, Patricia?

Isn't that what you wanted, a special Christmas present?

Yes, I mean, absolutely, but as you can see, I'm a bit busy.

No.

In spite of everything you said, I knew, I knew there was a spark between us.

Maybe it's this dress, 100% polyester.

I'm sorry I sniffed your feet while you slept.

You did what? I can let that go.

Can I unwrap my present?

Can I? - Please, no.

Let me die before seeing this.

Kitten, you can unwrap all of me here.

I mean, I do have a support girdle.

You have to take your time with that.

I will.

I will.

Um... if you are going to unwrap me, how can you do it with your hands full?

Mom!

No.

You saved my life.

I know.

That's what mothers do, Gemma.

I'm here to love and protect you and make you happy.

See?

Thanks, Mother.

Do you know, it's ages since I shot a man.

Arrrgh!

I've still got it, haven't I?

Bye.

I'm looking forward to your visit.

Visit him? In prison?

It's the only way I could get him how to tell me how to fix the cooker.

You are...

I'm not unaware that the appropriate thing to do is to apologize...

and thank you both for everything you've done here.

Oh? So are you apologizing and thanking us both?

No, no, no, no, no.

She is stating that she's aware it's the appropriate thing to do.

You will get no more than that.

Life-threatening situations like this...

...can show you what the important things in life are...

so maybe it's also appropriate for you to start building bridges.

You and Catherine could spend Christmas together.

Are you kidding?

You're not spending the holidays with this little hippie witch.

Well, I'm going back to the West with a bird,

and the speech didn't judge me for being a vegan.

You two.

How did you figure it all out? - No, we didn't.

I was feeling lonely,

so I thought I'd pop over and see if I could seduce Samuel one last time.

Peeped through the window, saw what was going on, ran back to tell mum.

and I knew that once I'd sprayed him with my almost liquid sexual allure,

he'd be putting me out.

Someone caught the killer and saved the day.

Honestly, Gemma, you really are useless at this.

No.

No, no, no.

We are the ones who... - Gemma.

Look.

Snowflake.

Let him have this one for once.

Close our eyes really tightly.

We can imagine that they actually deserve it this time.

This is so lovely, Terry.

You see?

You do have a use after all.

The turkey...

Yeah.

Very moist.

So, even though we're having it in the house of a serial killer...

there's nothing most as bad as you expected it to be.

When I was in that hall, Gemma, you'd give me a lot of time to think.

You know what?

As long as you're with me, Christmas is every single day of my life.

You're the best, Terry.

Isn't he? Isn't he the best? Isn't he?

He's a good lad. A good lad.

Told you.

Tuck in, everyone.

I love Christmas.

You did it, Terry.

Merry Christmas.