Original subtitles

I honestly have no idea why Teddy wants to meet.

Well, perhaps given your new position of authority,

he wishes to extend an olive branch, president to president.

Espionage is more likely.

To find out what the Players' summer show is.

Not that I've managed to decide what it is yet.

All in good time, Mrs Devine.

Why here?

Between us, Father, I've heard

that the Hambleston Amateur Dramatic Society...

HADS.

...is withering on the vine ever since Teddy took over from...

Emerald!

Fancy seeing you here.

Oh, I am so glad to see you both.

I don't suppose you happen to know...

Best to hear it direct from the horse's mouth.

Hmm.

Surely this can't be for HADS.

Not just for HADS, I hope.

Isabel.

Simply divine to see you.

And Father!

Emerald.

Teddy.

Welcome to Kembleston Manor.

Kembleston?

It's time to unite, Isabel.

Look, I'm not going to sugar-coat this,

HADS is in a bit of a pickle.

Most of the cast have... departed.

Amicably.

This is the most ambitious production I've ever directed.

We open at the end of the month, so needs must.

Will you join us?

Well, to perform in an actual theatre would be thrilling.

What is the play, if you don't mind my asking?

Oh, I think you'll approve, Father,

life imitating art and all that.

Behold - The Most Perfect Murder.

Hambleston's answer to The Mousetrap.

A worldwide premiere.

Written by a priest, I see.

Who's a big fan of yours, actually.

You didn't tell me he was coming!

It's you!

HE LAUGHS EXCITEDLY

It's literally you!

Yes, it is.

Father, may I present Hambleston's new priest, Father Lindsey.

This is the most exquisite moment of my entire life.

Oh! Is he dead?

No, he just fainted.

Oh, splendid!

So, Isabel, what say you?

Are you ready to make some magic?

Might I just apologise again for yesterday?

It's just you are something of an inspiration to me.

Just one question.

We know who done it, but not as yet how done it.

The play seems to be missing an ending.

Ah, therein lies the rub.

I haven't quite figured it out yet.

Shouldn't you have done that before you started writing it?

Welcome, all.

And may I introduce the genius behind our remarkable sets.

Herman Jolly, the Kembleford Players.

They're going to ruin all my good work, aren't they?

Oh, nice to meet you too.

Teddy!

The cost of hiring the Royal Theatre.

We are amateurs!

A dirty word. which I am removing from HADS.

Behold, HDS!

Amateurs are the lifeblood of this company,

which was founded to enrich local lives. Mm...

Like poor Sandy. Yeah.

This production is too much.

If you don't like it, you know where the door is.

Perhaps, as founder of HADS,

you could show Emerald some respect.

One of our backstage stalwarts, Bonnie Codling.

Who'd do well to stop her prattling!

And you wonder why we're haemorrhaging members.

May I suggest we proceed with the auditions?

CLAPS HANDS

We open in three weeks.

Good morning.

Thank you for your moral support, Edgar.

Yeah, perhaps you could even audition, sir?

CLEARS THROAT I think not.

Yeah, I don't think I'm going to bother either.

Have you read the part of Tabitha?

She dances the Charleston.

Oh! I do love the Charleston.

Oh, you should definitely audition!

Might I suggest you audition too, Father?

Or perhaps a backstage role?

The priest was written with you in mind.

No acting required.

Guided by God,

I have surmised that someone here must be responsible.

"But how?", I hear you ask,

"when everyone was together during that fateful shot?"

It is, quite simply,

the most perfect murder.

Bravo, Father.

He is awfully good, isn't he?

And to shall play my wife, Lady Ursula Etherington,

Mrs Divine.

Well-deserved.

And our daughter, the socialite Tabitha,

shall be played by Brenda.

There wasn't much competition.

Oh, don't you dare sell yourself short.

You were wonderful!

Sergeant Goodfellow. Yes? You will be Inspector Crabtree.

Ah, marvellous!

At least he finally gets the job.

FATHER BROWN CLEARS HIS THROAT

Yes, you'll be Horace,

victim of the dastardly murder.

Oh, only one small scene. No, no, there is another one.

There's a corpse.

Even you could manage that, Father.

And the part of Father Greene goes to Chief Inspector Sullivan.

Ah...

No, I didn't audition.

It's just that we're in need of one more male,

and everyone knows what a marvellous Benedick you were,

so...

No, absolutely not.

Edgar, this has to be a success, and there's no-one else.

He'll do it.

Splendid!

Now, as well as playing Fanny Tinkle, our frumpy maid...

No acting required.

...Emerald will be in charge of costumes,

and Bonnie will be assisting with make-up and also assisting

with set construction.

No, no, no, no. I'll take anyone else.

Do you see what he's like?

Please. Please, everyone.

The only way this play is going to be the success it deserves to be

is if we all unite.

Then I need to know how the play ends.

How did the murder happen?

Crumbs.

That's the problem with an impossible murder.

I've written myself into something of a corner.

Perhaps I could assist.

Thank you, Father, but this is my problem alone.

It'll come to me.

In good time, I hope, Father.

The clock, as they say, is ticking.

MUSIC COVERS SPEECH

I've laid my reputation on this, Father.

If it doesn't go well, I'll be deposed.

I'm sure everything will be quite...

Ah, gosh!

It's magnificent!

At least my work will be admired.

Could you for once stop being such a braggart?

And I need a word with you later.

Happy birthday, Emerald, from all of us here.

Oh, thank you.

That is so thoughtful of you all.

Thank you.

Priorities, people.

We open in TWO DAYS.

Everything all right?

I've done it!

I've actually done it!

A rush of inspiration from the Lord himself.

Who knew this murder lark could be such jolly good fun?

Ingenious!

Well done, Father.

Nobody will see that coming.

How did you come up with this?

Oh, it just sort of popped into my head.

Sometimes I do astound myself.

I've never read such far-fetched tripe in all my life!

Oh. Perhaps I should stick to my day job.

I think it's splendid, Father.

This really is going to be a seminal production.

It's a simply... Simply...

Beastly.

Beastly business.

One would rather be miserable in the back of a Rolls

than happy on a bicycle.

Well, how did you find out?

I overheard him, right here, from the hidey-hole.

The what? Honestly, Mummy, you can be so oblivious sometimes.

Oh...

Oh, for goodness' sake, where's Herman?

I haven't seen him all day.

Isn't that his jacket?

Will somebody please find Herman?

Argh!

I trust this is some kind of a joke.

I'm afraid not, Mr Sadwick.

He's dead.

FATHER LINDSEY CRASHES TO THE FLOOR

Are you sure you're all right?

Yes, thank you, Father, I'm just not a huge fan of dead bodies.

Then perhaps it's best you both leave me to it.

Note the blunt trauma wound to the back of the head.

And judging by the rigor mortis,

he's been dead... I'd say for at least six hours.

Yes, I can make my own deductions, thank you.

Er, Father, would you mind not tampering with the scene

of the crime, please?

Apologies, Chief Inspector.

Now, if you would both kindly...

I trust you will let us know the outcome of the pathologist's report?

Goodfellow.

Come now, Fathers, let us do our job.

Of course, Sergeant.

A thousand apologies.

Perhaps it is for the best.

I don't mean because he's dead, God rest his soul.

I mean we don't have to go through with this troubled production.

Fiddlesticks!

We must honour Herman's work and memory by forging ahead.

It's what he would have wanted.

Aren't you forgetting that Herman was also our stage manager?

Not for a second, Bonnie.

Which is why I'm promoting you to the position.

Thank you.

I'll do my best.

As soon as the police are done, we get back to work.

We open tomorrow.

You didn't remove police evidence, did you?

God forgive me.

I thought it rather more important that you saw it.

BREATHES IN DEEPLY

Intriguing.

I have invited us all here tonight to unite the family.

But now the family,

and indeed my heart,

have been torn apart

like an old copy of the Hambleston Gazette.

Perhaps "ripped" rather than "torn". What do we all think?

I think you should shut your trap and get offstage.

Sorry, everyone. Sorry.

Can we please just get on with it?

Bonnie!

Ding dong!

BELLS RING

I wonder who that could be?

DOOR SLAMS Oh.

Daddy, the Inspector's here.

Then show him in.

Well...

...he's not actually here.

I could stand in.

Good grief, no.

Where is Sergeant Goodfellow?

I'm in the middle of a murder investigation at the moment.

Who was the last person to use this?

I found a spot of blood on it.

Luminol has revealed much more.

Despite an attempt made to wipe the spanner clean,

we were able to locate a fingerprint,

so now I need fingerprints from all of you.

We are in the middle of a dress rehearsal!

Albeit without any dress.

Could this not wait?

It's my spanner.

I didn't hit him.

Although you were at each other's throats on a daily basis.

Bonnie Codling, I'm arresting you

on suspicion of the murder of Herman Jolly.

You are not obliged to say anything,

but anything you do say may be given in evidence.

Could things get any worse?

The Chief Inspector thinks I went back to the theatre last night,

killed Herman, then locked up.

I'm not the only one with keys.

Who else? Just Teddy, and Emerald, I think.

How long have things been fractious between you and Mr Jolly?

Only three years.

Ever since I moved from Oxford.

I suppose he reminded me of my father.

In what way?

He was a sadist and a bully too.

It was almost a blessing when he disowned me.

For any particular reason?

Giving in to sin.

I see.

This was found in Mr Jolly's pocket.

Cost of materials?

But it couldn't have cost THIS much.

Well, Teddy would have been furious.

Indeed.

Thank you, Miss Codling.

Very helpful.

What's going to happen with the play?

Well, important as that is, you are my main priority

and I will do all I can.

FATHER BROWN KNOCKS ON DOOR

Oh, I've suddenly come all aquiver.

But why, my love?

Tell me...

Tell me that Bonnie's release is imminent.

Miss Codling is still under arrest, I'm afraid.

Perhaps I could step in the stage manager?

Hmm...

I suppose beggars can't be choosers.

Right, let's pick it up, everybody. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Can't you feel it?

A chill tearing through the house.

Almost as if the ghost of Horace was trying to tell us something.

Cue howling wind.

Howling wind. Hello?

Howling wind!

LOUD BANGS AND CRASHES

Um, I'm a bit tied up at the moment.

I...I give up!

I...

Knock, knock.

Go away.

I'm afraid this won't wait, Mr Sadwick.

You knew what Herman Jolly was up to.

I trusted him.

Then he cleaned out the society account.

£2,000.

How did this society come by such a large amount of money?

I sold my butcher's shop.

That money was my nest egg

and I put it all in one basket.

You confronted him on the day he died?

Yes, and he grovelled.

Do you honestly believe that I'd do anything

to jeopardise this production?

No, I don't, Mr Sadwick.

All my life I've dreamed of treading the boards as a pro.

But I never had the guts.

I'm not getting any younger and this is my last chance.

I've managed to lure an agent down from London

to see the opening night.

He's not going to come to just any amateur production.

So you see, Father, if this play fails,

so do all my dreams.

Then perhaps, Mr Sadwick, you should proceed with rehearsals.

I understand the costumes have arrived.

Have they?

Oh. Well, then, Father, perhaps the day is not lost.

Yes. Yes, I think that'll do very nicely.

Well done, Emerald.

What did you find out then, Father?

I don't think our director would risk jeopardising his own play.

However, I do suspect him of having quite a nasty temper.

Oh, dear.

What about Emerald?

Emerald?

I saw the way that Herman looked at her

when she opened that birthday card.

Which upset her greatly.

Ah! Suits you, Edgar.

Er, sir?

Er...

Be very careful what you say, Sergeant.

Sorry, sir.

There is, um, something you might want to hear, sir,

in private.

I know exactly what you're looking for, Father.

Great minds.

I could do with some help.

Oh, dear. What a whiff.

Aha!

Aha!

We do make a good team.

"A very happy birthday, love from Sandy."

Oh, who is Sandy?

Indeed.

However...

...same handwriting.

Bingo!

Ah!

Well, what do you think?

I think you both look splendid.

Seconded.

Emerald, you have surpassed yourself.

Let us just make it the best it can be, shall we?

Thank you.

Mrs Baptiste, may I have a word?

Yes.

I'm afraid that'll have to wait, Father.

We have some good news and some bad news.

Oh, for pity's sake, man, I need some good news.

Er, Miss Codling will be released this evening.

Praise the Lord.

The day is saved!

And the bad news?

The fingerprint we found on the spanner

was yours, Mrs Baptiste.

There's no doubt.

Emerald?

I'm sorry for ruining everything.

But... why?

Can we go now?

This is... This is a living nightmare.

How am I supposed to cope without my Fanny Tinkle?

Teddy, all is not lost. I have an idea.

CHURCH BELLS RING

I think you're mad.

We open tonight.

What other choice do we have?

I know all the lines

and thankfully, Ursula is only onstage with the maid once.

Right, and how are you going to make that work, then?

I'm sure Mrs Divine has an elegant solution.

Thank you, Father.

This play has to be a success

or I'll be the shortest serving president in history.

Besides which, I want to do my best for Father Lindsey.

I thought he were t'murderer.

Brenda! What?

He had a key and all. Saw him lock up with it last night.

Don't be so ridiculous.

Although... why on earth would Emerald do such a thing?

Father?

That, ladies, is what I intend to find out.

I'll see you both at the theatre later.

Am I going to hang, Father?

I very much hope not.

Father Lindsey, may I?

Did you attack Mr Jolly because of this?

Who's Sandy?

Sandy is dead, Father.

He was barely a man when he came to Hambleston.

An orphan who lived in the abandoned barn on Chipping Way.

Oh, my skinny little boy!

Who needed me as much as I needed him.

Did you lose someone?

My son...

...and husband, in the last war,

before I came here on the Windrush.

I'm so sorry.

HADS gave Sandy a purpose.

Bonnie and I used to take turns to cook for him,

and I even found him a job delivering for Teddy.

Things were getting better.

May we ask how he died?

Last year, during a HADS meeting.

We all heard a gunshot - Teddy, Bonnie, Herman and I.

We left the pub and we went to check on Sandy in his barn and...

...there he was on the ground, still warm.

Oh, he was gone and the murderer just vanished into the night,

never to be found.

Oh.

Father?

Would you excuse me?

Not feeling too tickety boo.

FATHER LINDSEY KNOCKS ON DOOR

I take it you realised who sent this?

Yes.

Why torment you?

I went to ask him and...

...he said I should, "leave HADS or I might end up like Sandy."

He said he knew who murdered him and he was glad Sandy was dead

and I don't know why!

He just kept laughing and laughing,

and I saw red.

And before I knew it, I...

THUD

And then you closed the compartment?

No. It must have closed itself.

Believe me, Father, I was going to tell the police

after the play ended.

I'd never let Bonnie take the blame for my crimes.

Well, you see, that's it, Mrs Baptiste.

I'm not entirely sure it WAS your crime.

I'm afraid, Father, everything that's happened, it's...

...all my fault.

Oh, dear.

Where the devil is Father Brown?

He'll be here any second.

Father will not let you down.

He'd better not. Everybody, tonight needs to go

perfectly.

I thought Sandy's death sounded familiar.

My research for the play -

subconsciously, I must have integrated it.

Inadvertently solving howdunit on your final page.

Consider the hooks on the wall and the trajectory of the bullet.

Mr Jolly's reaction now makes perfect sense.

At least it wasn't the quality of my writing.

Herman Jolly killed Sandy with a pre-set mechanism.

The perfect murder indeed. Well done, Father.

I'm not feeling especially proud at the moment.

My play may be exceptional, but a man is dead and Mrs Baptiste

is facing the noose. No.

Someone else is responsible.

When Herman Jolly's body was discovered,

the door to the compartment was jammed.

And there was this.

Ah! Stage make-up.

Ah!

Greasepaint was used to seal the air vent.

So Herman Jolly asphyxiated after the assault.

But why?

Oh, dear.

Sandy was from Oxford.

BUZZER RINGS Crumbs. The play!

Apologies. Apologies!

Good God, man, are you trying to give me a heart attack? Daddy!

Sh! Calm, remember? Yes, yes.

Calm, everyone.

Tallyho!

And break a leg. Metaphorically speaking.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

I would like, if I may, to present to you

the story of a most diabolical family,

and indeed, the most perfect murder.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

I know full well why you have invited me here this evening.

Pounds, shillings and pence -

that's all I am to you lot.

Dear brother, no! No, Uncle!

You mean the world to us. Horace, I love you!

Oh!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Purely as a brother in law.

I'm quite sure your considerable wealth is immaterial to the family.

In that case, none of you will ever see a penny of my money ever again.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Oh!

It's all going so well!

GUNSHOT

GASPS

Horace? Are you... Oh!

Oh!

SHE SCREAMS My dear, dear brother!

But where is the murderer?!

How could they disappear into thin air?

This all made sense to you, didn't it, when you read

the final page? I'm sorry? How Sandy died.

PRIEST PRAYS

Oh, to think that my uncle will never move another muscle...

AUDIENCE LAUGHS ...again.

But now...

I really wish that you hadn't said anything.

I've been torn apart.

You will have to stage manage now.

Have faith, Father.

...of the old copy of the amnesty.

Me?!

Oh, dear.

Where's Mrs Tinkle, that maid of yours?

I could murder a cup of tea.

Um, perhaps, dear wife,

you could go and get Fanny.

Oh, yes. I shall do exactly that.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Tea for the inspector.

Have a biscuit and all.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Hello, Bonnie.

I have to go now, Father. Of course.

But first you had to come and say goodbye to your son.

Well, then, Father, I know you're itching to tell me what's what.

Yes. Pray tell.

Guided by God, I have surmised that someone here must be responsible.

WIND BLOWS

But how, I hear you ask...

GLASS SMASHES

...when everyone was together during that fateful storm?

It is quite simply, the most perfect murder.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS

Where's Father Brown?

He made me look more of a fool than I already feel.

Edgar, I have no idea!

I'm going to kill him.

And Bonnie.

And you!

Yesterday, you talked about giving in to sin.

Was Sandy taken from you as a baby?

I assumed three years ago you heard he'd come to Hambleston.

So you followed him here from Oxford

and joined HADS to get to know your son.

A life of children's homes.

And then he ran away.

What chance did he have, Father?

He had no-one.

He had you, and Mrs Baptiste...

...until Mr Jolly intervened. For what reason, I'm not quite sure.

When I saw his reaction to the mechanism on the final page,

I came back here, saw the hooks,

and found where the gun was.

I knew he'd killed my boy.

GUNSHOT

When I confronted Herman, he was already in a bad way.

He didn't even deny it.

What's it to you, anyway?

He was my son.

Hah! Ha, ha, ha! He was a little snake,

that's what he was. What? Spying on me.

Saw my hand in the till at Teddy's.

He was going to grass.

So you killed him for THAT?

He deserved everything he got.

And guess who I told Teddy the thief was?

Uh! It appears I need a doctor.

Chop, chop, woman.

What are you doing?!

Let me out! Open this door!

What are you doing?!

I take it that you removed the greasepaint in the morning?

Tried to.

I just knew my boy wasn't a thief.

Did Sandy know who you were? No.

Because I'm ashamed, Father,

of what I let happen to me.

I'd never told anyone he was my son.

And because of my cowardice, he never knew he was loved.

I think he did.

Very much loved.

At least now I have justice for my boy.

But what will I do now, Father?

Well, you have to repent of this murder.

Go to the police and confess.

I'm not sorry that man is dead.

I can never repent for what I've done.

If you want to be truly at peace,

and to see Sandy again one day,

it is exactly what you must do.

JAUNTY PIANO PLAYS

My darling girl, why are you wearing that?

Because I've realised, haven't I,

that Uncle Horace was a bachelor?

So who is most likely to inherit his spondulicks?

Who? Well, he didn't much care for you.

Are you quite sure about that?

LAUGHTER

I'll thank you to keep your opinions to yourself, Fanny.

Me, Mummy, I'm going to be rich.

Richer than my wildest dreams.

CHARLESTON MUSIC PLAYS

RECORDS SCRATCHES

TEMPO CHANGES

RECORD SCRATCHES

LAUGHTER

Behold, I have recreated the most perfect murder.

This is never going to work.

Inspector, please, if you will.

Here we go, Father.

GUNSHOT

ROPE WHISTLES

And where did I get the gun from?

Your study, Lord Etherington.

THEY GASP

I was framed.

I think not.

You are the one who invited everyone here this evening.

You've been on your uppers for some time.

Your only option was to kill your brother

for your inheritance,

providing yourself with the most perfect alibi -

myself.

But you did not count on my God-given detection prowess.

All right, yes, I admit it.

Just spare my family.

I acted alone.

Must be nice for him to get it right for once.

And now you must repent for the sake of your immortal soul.

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

concludes this evening's most imperfect murder.

PIANO PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my!

They love me!

CORK POPS, CHEERING

My whole life is about to change for ever.

There was an agent out there tonight.

Oh! We must invite him backstage immediately.

I'm afraid he's just left.

Oh. What did he say?

He said the play was a hoot.

Ah. A new genre of comedy murder mystery.

But it wasn't meant to be a comedy.

What did he say about me?

He said your performance was tragically...

Yes?

...comic.

Ah.

Er, could I propose a toast?

To Sandy.

To Sandy. Sandy. Sandy. Sandy.

Who, I'd like you all to know, was my son.

And I have to go now.

Where? Chief Inspector, can I have a word?

Certainly.

Would you?

Look who I found.

Well, Emerald...

...turns out you were right.

I've really put the ham into Hambleston.

I'm pulling the show.

Except we're sold out every night this week.

What? The show is a hit, Teddy.

Word of mouth, apparently.

Although how we could recreate that performance, I'll never know.

So they're coming to laugh at me?

Well, you must have been very entertaining.

Maybe that's enough.

Maybe. Hmm.

Will you take it back, HADS?

Only if we can work together this time.

Oh, well, that's just lovely.

Although you and I will be going our separate ways, won't we?

With the greatest of pleasure, Mrs Devine.

And my sincere thanks.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

It has been three days since my last confession.

Since then, I have been instrumental in one murder

and an unfortunate incarceration.

I feel quite wretched.

You are not responsible.

You shone light onto a distressing mystery,

and it was solved.

That is kind of you to say.

But these past few days have made me realise that murder

is never to be taken lightly.

An important lesson.

They say never meet your heroes, Father,

but in your case, I'm very glad I did.

You're not at all like my uncle said.

Uncle?

Whom I believe you know quite well.

Actually, he used to tread the boards in the Footlights

long before he was canon.

Canon Fox?

He asked me to let you know that

he'll be checking in on you very soon.

I look forward to that.

I think I'll stick to my vocation for the moment.

Indeed.

It transpires that I'm not an exceptional playwright after all,

though I do seem to have a talent for this sleuthing lark.

Perhaps you should devote yourself to your flock... for the time being.

Righto, Father.

I do hope the next time we meet is much less eventful.

Yes, Father.

Amen to that.