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ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Todd Glass!

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

[ENERGETIC DANCE MUSIC]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

People have to stop telling you who you look like.

I've done it too.

But stop telling everybody who they look like.

Everybody wants to tell you, "Oh, my God!"

"You look like my friend Bill. You look just like him."

And then you meet Bill, you're like, "Oh, shit."

"Is that what I look like?"

I once had a girl, she told me I looked like...

She goes, "You look like John Goodman."

[LAUGHTER]

I was like, "What?"

She goes, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no."

"[SQUEALING] Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no."

She goes, "A young, thin John Goodman."

Okay, that's not gonna make me feel any better.

I would never say to a girl, "You look like a, uh... ".

"You know what you look like? A pig."

"Oh, my God! Not a fat pig."

"No. A young, thin pig."

"You're like a hot, smokin' pig, you know what I mean?"

"Like a pig that works out."

"Like a pig... not a pig. You're thinking of a pig in mud."

"No. You're so insecure, it's

probably issues you have, you know?"

" I'm thinking of a pig that was laying in mud,"

"but said, 'Oh, my God, just 'cause I'm a pig"

"'I don't have to live like a pig, you know what I mean?"

"Goes back to school, gets its G.E.D.,"

"drives around the neighborhood with a pretty scarf..."

"That type of pig."

She was like, "Oh, thank you."

[LAUGHTER]

I was doing a show in Hawaii.

They wanted me to go surfing.

And I said, "I don't wanna go surfing" to the college kids.

They're like, "Well, uh, why?"

I said, "Because I'm scared of sharks."

They're like, "Really? Because there

was a 12-year-old girl here",

"she had her arm bitten off by a shark,"

"and she still surfs."

They go, "Are you telling us that a 14-year-old girl"

"has more courage than you?"

[LAUGHTER]

I said, "Well, not to be a jerk",

"but I-I do have more arms than she does."

[LAUGHTER]

And I'm not trying to be a dick.

I wouldn't say it if she was in the room.

I'm not a heartless fuck.

I'm just saying I...

You know, I would take arms over courage. That's all.

'Cause you could be more courageous

if you had arms.

[LAUGHTER]

[SIGHS]

Do you ever bait people for compliments?

You know, we've all done it.

It's insecure. We should stop it.

You know what I mean?

Somebody... you want 'em to argue with you... don't.

Like tomorrow, you're at your workplace.

If somebody does that, don't argue with them.

Like if somebody at your workplace goes,

"You know what?"

"I'm old and boring. Go out without me."

"I'll just mess up the whole night."

Go, "Oh, my God! Thanks a lot."

"We thought you were gonna be upset."

"Oh, I'm so glad you understand how old and boring you are."

"We thought you were gonna be like 'What do you mean"

"'I'm old and boring?' But you get it, come on."

[LAUGHTER]

Like if somebody goes, "Oh, I feel like a bloated cow,"

just go, "Oh, my God! I knew you knew!"

"Oh, everybody was talking about"

"what a bloated cow you were last night,"

"and they said you didn't know."

"I said, 'You shut the fuck up. They know.'"

"I totally had your back. I got you, don't worry."

"I'm your friend."

[LAUGHTER]

When I was little, I thought 50...

Well, not little.

When I was 12, I thought 50 was like...

[AS OLD MAN] "Hello. I'm 50 years old."

"I'm 50! 50!"

Come on.

In today's society, you know what 50 is?

50's like, "Hey, I'm in a band. We play Thursday night."

"Come check us out. Everything's good."

[LAUGHTER]

Not when you're little.

When you're 8 years old, 50's like,

[AS OLD MAN] "I'm 50."

"I'm gonna shit in my pants and go yell at interracial couples."

[LAUGHTER]

When I was 12 years old... It's not a big deal,

I don't want you to feel bad for me.

But I grew up. I have dyslexia.

Not a big deal now, but back then,

they didn't know really what it was.

They put me in special classes. "Hey, draw a picture."

You know those? "Is that kid happy?"

I knew what they were doing.

[LAUGHTER]

So because I have dyslexia,

I'm not really good with south or west or north.

I don't know it.

Because I remember the first day in school

when the teacher pulled down the map,

and I thought, "Oh, fuck. I can't learn all those lines."

There was lines everywhere.

So I don't know south and west. I'm being serious.

I don't know south, west, north. I don't know it.

People give me directions,

they go, "Get off the exit, head south."

"Right or left?" "South."

"Right or fucking left? Don't you understand?"

"I don't know south."

"I don't have a compass, you prick."

"Head south."

"Get off the exit, head towards the ocean."

"Will I see the ocean?"

"'Cause if I don't see the ocean, it's not gonna help me."

You know what they say? "Well, come on."

"If you're heading toward the ocean,"

"you're not gonna head towards the mountains."

"Yes, I will. I don't know.

"Hawaii has oceans and mountains.

"I don't know.

"Just why don't you tell me what I'm gonna see

"if I've gone too far?

"That's what I wanna se..." You understand?

Eh? You?

That's what I wanna hear.

I wanna hear what I'm gonna see if I've gone too far.

You know when people give you directions...

"If you've gone too far, you're gonna see a Burger King."

Thank you.

Because I will see that Burger King.

[LAUGHTER]

Because whenever people tell me

what I'm gonna see if I've gone too far, I always see it.

And then it helps me. I'm like, "Okay, there's the Burger King."

So I'm not really lost,

because part of finding the way where I'm going is being lost.

Okay, then we're gonna turn around,

and now I'm right over here, and everything is good.

Okay.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

When I was growing up, I knew it was always hard for my parents

because they would compliment my brothers

and try to say nice things.

And I didn't do well in school,

and often that's what you compliment kids about.

So they always tried to make things up about me.

They'd be like, "Spencer is the head of his fraternity."

"And Michael, he got straight 'As.'"

"And Cory might skip third grade."

"And look at Todd, what an appetite."

"He ate a whole pizza."

[LAUGHTER]

And I was like...

I thought I got the better compliment.

I'm like, "Aw, they don't have

anything nice to say about them."

[LAUGHTER]

I used to be scared of the dark, and I still am.

[CHUCKLES] People try to bully me.

They're like, "You're scared of the dark?" "Yeah."

That's what you have to do when people are bullies.

You bully them back. Don't let people bully you.

"You're scared of the dark?" "Yeah, I'm

fucking scared of the dark. You know why?

"People get stabbed in the dark. That's why, fuck face!"

Don't try to bully me. I know what happens in the dark.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

So, but I'm... I don't know if I can have kids.

You can't be scared of the dark and have kids.

What if my son comes in the bedroom,

or my daughter, in the middle of the night?

"Daddy, I think there's somebody outside."

"Go check."

[LAUGHTER]

"Normally I wouldn't let you out at 4:00

in the morning, but it's a good reason."

"I think there's somebody under my bed."

"Are you sure? Are you sure? Because I will call the police."

"But you're gonna look stupid if they come"

"and there's no one under your bed."

"I don't care, I love you but, you know,"

"why don't you think about it?"

"If you're positive, then come back."

"I definitely want to call the police."

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

If I'm on the road for awhile...

I wish I was making this up for my act.

I still check behind the shower curtain.

And I yell when I do it, by the way.

I do the old, "Ah!"

And I don't... If somebody else went, "Ah!"

I don't know what I'd do.

I don't know if I'd go, "Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!"

And then I would go, " Okay, there's no one behind there."

[LAUGHTER]

I have a hard time saying certain words

because I, you know... Because of the dyslexia.

No big deal, I just flip things in my head sometimes,

so I don't say the words.

And one of the words that I have a hard time saying is, uh...

I can say it now because I'll slow down is, "Domesticated."

So I used to say "Domestitated."

You know, I would say, "Domestitated."

And people be like, "Really? How old are you?"

So, what I tried... I stopped saying it.

Then a friend of mine, she goes, "Oh, you could say it."

She goes, "Just slow down."

She goes, "Just say domest." I say, "Domest."

She goes, "Duh. Domest, duh."

This is true, by the way.

I go, "Domest, duh..."

She goes, "Now just say 'cated.'

I go, "Domest, duh, cated."

She goes, "There you go."

But I still can't say it at parties.

Hey, you know, contrary to popular belief,

the prairie dog was not the first dog.

To be domest, duh, cated.

People would be like, "That guy is smart."

"Lot of big words, really savors every word."

My parents never said this, but I've heard parents say it.

My parents never said it. I'm glad.

"That's why we don't have nice things,"

when something bad... "That's why don't have nice things."

Didn't you wish a little kid had the wherewithal

to answer that... "Really?"

"Is that why we don't have nice things?"

"Really? No, I just wanna know."

"Oh, no, no. I'm not being a jerk."

"Just my friends always think we don't have nice things"

"because you have a shitty job. I just want to tell them."

"No, no, no. I don't know what it is."

"Maybe it's because... I don't know."

"So we're saying we don't... You don't

have things, we don't have nice things"

"because I spilled Cheerios on the rugs five years ago."

"Okay. I just wanna know. I don't know."

"Now what about the shitty cars? Why do we have shitty cars?"

"I just wanna know. And we don't go out to eat."

"Okay, I just wanna know. I mean, no, next

time my friends come over and they go,"

"'Hey, your house is shitty. Is it because of your dad?'"

"I'd go, 'No, it's because of me.' I got your back."

"Totally got your back."

[LAUGHTER]

Went out to...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Last week I went out to eat here in the Los Angeles area.

Now, for you people watching at home,

I wanna let you in on something.

You people know because you live in Los Angeles.

They have to grade the restaurants here now?

Like if... From the health department.

You have to hang it in the window.

You get an "A," "B," "C," or "D."

And you got to hang it in the window.

I went to a restaurant last week... in the window, a "D."

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah. And next to it, I guess the owner, he wrote, "Elicious."

I'm like...

"I don't know..."

"I don't think they give out the 'Deliciouses.'"

He goes, "Yeah. We got one, it's cool."

I'm like, "They don't give out 'Deliciouses.'"

He goes, "Yeah, we did."

I'm like, "Then why is the 'D' professionally written",

"and then 'Elicious, ' the next part,"

"is just written out like that?"

He goes, "That's what I thought!"

"All right, buddy. You're pushing it here."

[LAUGHTER]

You know what I did?

I guess it was about... It was last Thanksgiving,

for the first time ever, I had a dinner party.

That's hard. I don't know how people do it.

First of all, let me tell you this,

I was so nervous to have 13 people over for dinner.

You have a different appreciation

for how hard that is.

My mom did it effortlessly.

So I set the table the night before, okay?

You know, and you know what? I like the way it looked.

I'll admit it.

You know, I go to the bathroom at 3:00 in the morning.

I'd peek out... "Oh, it looks good."

[LAUGHTER]

I had a dinner party.

First of all, people show up an hour early for a dinner party.

An hour early, they're like,

"Oh, we're really early. What could we do to help?"

"Fucking leave."

[LAUGHTER]

You don't show up an hour early to a dinner party.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

And by the way, if you're having people over your house,

and it's everybody bring something...

you know how they have that?

Everybody bring a dish, you know what I'm talking about.

Sure.

Everybody bring something.

Folks, that means bring it made.

Yes.

Bring it made. Okay?

Otherwise you're freaking everybody out.

Somebody showed up, I swear to God, with a bag of potatoes.

They pulled it out, and then some sour cream and some butter.

I go, "Is that the fucking mashed potatoes?"

"Because we're not having mashed potatoes"

"if that's the mashed potatoes."

"You think I told you to bring mashed potatoes"

"because I couldn't afford mashed potatoes?"

I want it made.

I don't want to mess up my kitchen.

There, I said it.

Some other girl shows up with a salad.

I asked her to bring the salad.

She go... Oh, plastic bag full of cut up cucumbers.

Then she's got another plastic bag full of the croutons.

She's got another... Chopped up tomatoes.

I'm like, "Yes. She gets it."

Then she goes, "Where do I make the salad dressing?"

"In your fucking car. I don't care where you make it."

"The potato guy can go toss his salad in the car."

"You're not messing up my kitchen."

And for the love of God...

bring it in a nice bowl.

Am I wrong?

Bring it in a nice bowl.

Some guy shows up with potato salad

in a bowl with a handle on it.

Right there, I shouldn't have to go on anymore.

A handle on a bowl, with dog chew marks all over it?

It looked like it had been in the

microwave a few thousand times.

Yeah, what if I didn't care?

"That's all right, here, dump it on the table."

"Who gives a shit? We're all pigs."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I don't like when people tell me to slow down when I eat either,

if I'm at someone's house for dinner.

People tell me that my whole life.

"Slow down, you'll enjoy it more."

No, I won't. No, I won't.

I've eaten slow. I don't enjoy it.

A matter of fact, I get pissed off

if I see other people eating slow.

There was a girl in an airplane once eating a Twix bar.

She was folding it down,

she took a bite, and then she read her book,

and then she ate more of the Twix bar.

I'm like, "Eat the Twix bar, you whore! Come on!"

[LAUGHTER]

They eat it so slow. Do one or the other.

If that book's so good, then put the Twix bar down.

Eat the Twix bar, two bites.

And I know that's my own anger.

That's not her fault.

I have those situations happen a lot of times in my life,

where somebody's doing something.

You know when you're driving down the

street and you see someone jogging,

and then at a red light they do this...

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

All right.

You're great with your heart rate.

[LAUGHTER]

Aren't you better than all of us?

You must know something we don't know.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me bring you back

and paint a picture of a young Todd Glass,

11 or 12 years old.

I looked exactly the same.

My head, but my body was smaller.

And I was perplexed at life.

Many of my moments were like this...

[LAUGHTER]

And I remember at a very young age...

And I hope some of you will relate with this,

because, you know, I'm always hoping the crowd relates.

Because you know, you want... you want...

But if you don't, it gets you a little nervous sometimes.

You know, like if I'm saying to you,

"Hey, you know when you're bored

"and you're sitting around the

house?" The crowd's like, "Yeah."

"So you don't know what to do?" "Yeah."

"So you stick your finger up the cat's ass?"

You're like, "No, I don't stick my finger up the cat's ass."

So, at a young age, I was intrigued with rich people.

Anybody, you know what I mean?

I'll be like, "Oh, my God, they're rich."

I wanted this rich people...

Like if I saw a circle driveway, I was like, "Fuck."

"Oh, they got to be rich"

"because only rich people have circle driveways"

"with fucking mulch, and it's nice."

"And they got landscapers everywhere."

"'Arriba, arriba, ' whatever."

[LAUGHTER]

You know, this is... By the way,

This is the epitome of finger up the cat's ass, okay?

I'm opening up to you right now.

But I remember at a young age, seeing above-the-ground pools,

and thinking, "They look like shit!"

I didn't even have an above-the-ground pool.

But a 12-year-old, I'd be like, "Your pool looks like shit"

"and it's fucking up the whole neighborhood!"

"What is wrong with you? Plant some trees around it!"

"Put a deck around it! You can't fucking think it looks good!"

Now I'm a full grown adult.

Obviously, I look back, and I think, I was right.

There's certain things that rich people do,

and there's certain things poor people do.

Don't be offended, I'm just telling you.

Rich people... Rich people roll their towels.

I don't even know why. But that's what they do.

You know, maybe, uh...

Maybe you like to have a drawer at your house.

You open it up, and there's soy packets, and ketchup packets,

and mustard packets, and plastic spoons.

You should do that.

But I just want to let you know that's what poor people do.

[LAUGHTER]

Yes.

You know, I don't want to get you upset.

Hey, poor people love to back their car into a parking spot.

I don't know why, even.

They just fucking love to do it. I can't even explain it.

But there are certain things people do.

Rich people, poor people, from a little kid.

Hey, poor people love to have their dish soap out

next to the sink in their kitchen.

They got the dish soap out, they got the scrunchy pad.

Hey, by the way, if you do it, you should do it.

It's your fucking house, and don't let people tell you

what to do and what not to do.

But I'm just telling you, that's what poor people do.

[LAUGHTER]

And I hope you don't think I'm wrong.

You've never opened up Architectural Digest

and seen a $5-million house with Palmolive out on the counter,

and a scrunchy pad with baking grease

from the last five years.

So you do whatever you want to do.

Poor... Like I'll give you another

example, this might explain it.

Like, rich people...

I always have a perception like they jiggle their nuts.

Anybody?

I don't care if there's one person, I would be...

If there's one person in the crowd tonight

that goes, "I think I know what he means."

Like rich people... [WHISTLES]

Maybe they have some cashews. [WHISTLES]

Rich people jiggle their nuts.

It's just... Can we at least agree

that it's a sign of leisure?

You don't see poor people jiggling their nuts.

You don't see a poor guy... you know, poor people kick a stone.

Let's not fuck around here.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[SIGHS]

I went to a watermelon festival about a year ago.

I didn't drive, because you know

I'm not good with the directions.

So I let a friend drive,

and we're halfway there, and we get really lost.

And she pulls into a 7-Eleven to get directions

to a watermelon festival.

And this is a true story.

It's basically a carnival,

but there's watermelon seed spitting,

the largest watermelon.

We get lost, she pulls into 7-Eleven.

And starts pulling up to black people to get directions...

to a watermelon festival.

And don't worry, this bit isn't prejudiced or I wouldn't do it.

I don't that, I'm not one of those people that goes,

"I don't mean to be prejudiced,"

and then prejudice shit comes out of their mouth.

They never say, "I don't mean to be

prejudiced, but I like jelly beans."

"All right. Actually that's not prejudiced."

[LAUGHTER]

She's asking black people directions

to a watermelon festival?

How about having a heart?

You don't ask black people

directions to a watermelon festival.

They don't even know you're going

to a watermelon festival, really.

You sound like a dick, justifiably. You pull up...

"Hey, you know where the watermelon festival is?"

"How you doing, huh? I like to have fun."

"There you go."

I wouldn't ask black people

directions to a watermelon festival

if they had a watermelon festival t-shirt from last year

that said, "Ask me how to get to the watermelon festival."

I'm going inside.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

There's always somebody getting upset,

and always somebody trying to calm somebody down.

That's what relationships are all about.

Basically, somebody's upset,

somebody's trying to calm that person down.

Very rarely will two people just go hysterical, right?

And that's when the police are called, but other than that...

Sometimes, it's your girlfriend that calms you down,

or your wife. That's why you love her.

You're upset about something, she

goes, "Relax, it's not a big deal."

Puts things into perspective, but it doesn't work.

What you have to do is become the over-reactor.

[LAUGHTER]

No matter how upset she is, act even ten times more upset.

It works, unless she's here tonight with you.

But let's say you're at restaurant a week from now,

and she goes, "Does it take an hour to get a hamburger?"

Just go, "What? An hour for a hamburger?"

"That is bullshit!"

"We are never going out to eat again!"

She's like, "Relax, it's just a hamburger."

Go, "All right."

"I just love you so much, I don't

wanna see you be unhappy."

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Let's say you're at home, you know,

she's like, "Did you take the laundry

from the washer and put it in the dryer?"

Just go, "I forgot."

"I'm gonna kill myself tonight with liquor and ether."

She's like, "It's not a big deal."

"I'll do it. It'll take me a second."

Go, "All right, I just feel like I take advantage."

[LAUGHTER]

Let me tell you something about dogs and puppies.

When you're around a little puppy, six weeks old,

that's who you are when nobody else is around.

There's truth to this. Not when other people are around.

Yeah, you might be nice to a puppy

when other people are around.

You see a six-week-old golden retriever puppy,

yeah, if other people are around, you might go,

"Oh, look how cute you are."

But who you are and the affection you have in you,

is when no one else's around,

and you're holding a six-week-old puppy.

'Cause you know, you're like, "You're so cute."

You wanna bite it and moosh it and

love it and squeeze it and...

Oh, so... did you ever see...

You just wanna bite it and suck on its face, yes.

'Cause it's so cute. Dogs are good people.

That's who you are.

You... you ever see... If I go into the living room

in the middle of the night, and my dog's sleeping,

first, I look at the dining room table, set nicely,

that I set the night before.

And then if I see my dog laying on the sofa

with its head on the pillow, oh, you're getting bit.

I just suck on his face.

I suck on his face.

And when I say suck on his face, I know people get confused.

"What do you mean?" Yes, suck on his face.

'Cause a dog is good, and a dog is pure, it's not judgmental.

And I wanna suck some of that goodness out into me.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

It's like when you see a baby.

You ever see a baby with those cute little baby legs?

Oh, my God.

You know, when they're like... [BURBLES]

White and pure and just... Oh, they're not just, oh...

I just wanna... I wanna go up to people at the mall...

I don't, but I want to.

If they didn't think I was a freak,

I would go up to people at the mall and go,

"Can I ask you a favor? And I'm not a freak."

"Hi. My name's Todd Glass. How you doing? Good to see you."

"Can I bite your baby's legs?"

[LAUGHTER]

"I won't leave a mark."

"I just wanna suck on them for a little while."

You ever see a sign, and it says not to do something?

I used to think, "Well, who would do that?"

But I have a theory. Seriously.

If a sign says not to do something,

somebody did it, right? That makes sense.

The reason I want you to believe this is because

then you'll enjoy signs when you see them.

Like by the time you see a sign

that says, "No diving in the jacuzzi"...

[LAUGHTER]

Yes.

There's a sign at the gas station that says.

"Must put nozzle back on pump when through."

[LAUGHTER]

That's what somebody did.

I know... I wanna take all the sarcasm out of my voice.

'Cause there's no way they went...

That never happened, and they went,

"Hey, uh, what's some shit..."

"It's never happened yet, but it might happen."

"We'll get some signs posted up around here."

Every time there's a sign, it happened.

So if you see a sign that says, "No diving in the jacuzzi,"

or, "Must put nozzle back on the pump," that means it happened.

Somebody went, "All right, 30, 40, 50 bucks"...

[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

"Uh, sir, you have to put the nozzle back on the pump."

"Oh, I don't know. I need signs."

"I need signs."

I never know what pump I'm on. They're

always like, "What pump are you on, sir?"

"I don't... I have to look outside, uh..."

"The other side of four."

"That would be five, sir."

"Yeah, it could be three, fuck face."

Cocky and wrong. It's not a good combination.

In my hotel, there was a sign that said,

"A towel on the floor means I want a new one."

"But a towel hanging up means I'll use it again."

So I call down to the front desk,

I said, "What's a washcloth on my night table mean",

"with a little lotion next to it?"

[LAUGHTER]

She said, "Sir, I don't know." I said, "You have to tell me."

She goes, "Sir, I don't know." I said,

"You have to tell me, you work here."

She goes, "Sir, stop it." I said, "You have to tell me."

She goes, "Sir, it means you're lonely."

I said, "All right, that's all."

And she goes, "Stop calling down to see

if the movie titles end up on the bill."

"You're freakin' us all out."

[LAUGHTER]

In the Philadelphia airport, there's a glass case,

and in the glass case are things you're

not allowed to bring on the plane.

So you know the same thing like the

signs. If it's in that glass case,

somebody brought it on the plane.

And in that glass case was a chainsaw.

Now, I'm thinking like the sign bit. If

that glass case has a chainsaw in it,

somebody brought a chainsaw on the

airplane. You know that's true.

Somebody came on with a chainsaw.

"Hey, sir, you're not allowed"

"to bring a chainsaw on the airplane."

[IMITATES CHAINSAW BUZZ]

You know that guy didn't admit he

made a mistake. He didn't admit it.

No, he was probably somewhere a

month later... "Don't fly Delta."

[LAUGHTER]

"Bullshit."

"They don't even let you bring a chainsaw on the plane."

They're just fake.

People get angry, but they don't wanna let go of it.

You know, it's like... It's like when people say,

you can't even say "Merry Christmas" anymore.

It's like, "Yes, you can."

You know, during the holiday season, you know those people?

"You can't even say 'Merry Christmas' anymore."

Yes, you can. They ask you to say happy holidays now.

"Oh, they... you can't even say 'Merry

Christmas' anymore." Yes, you can.

Stop saying that. It's wrong.

When did you ever say, "Merry Christmas"

to someone that celebrated Christmas,

and somebody went, "Hey, you can't do that anymore."

I'll give you the example of what it's like.

It's like if there was a guy and he walked around all day saying,

"Hi, Glenn," to everybody. "Hey, Glenn. How you doing, Glenn?

"Good to see you, Glenn. Hey,

Glenn. How are you doing, Glenn?"

But everybody, as you all did, smiled because

you know what, in this world that we live in,

if somebody's friendly, you know

they mean "Hi," so just accept it.

So, there's no problem, up until

someone corrects that guy, right?

Because I think, up to now, when people said "Merry Christmas"...

I'm Jewish, and if somebody said "Merry Christmas" to me,

I just thought, I know what they mean, and I didn't care.

But if somebody corrects you, that's what it's

like, and they go, "Hey, oh, by the way",

"don't say 'Hi, Glenn, ' to everybody.

Just say 'Hi.' That includes everybody."

And you go, "That's bullshit. You

can't even say 'Hi, Glenn' anymore."

"I can't believe you can't say, 'Hi'..."

"You can say, 'Hi, Glenn, ' if it's fucking Glenn."

[LAUGHTER]

My brother doesn't spank his kids,

and a lot of times he'll tell that casually to people,

and they always go... He goes, "Yeah, I never

spank my kids." And they always go, "Never?"

Well, if it's wrong, it's wrong, you know? You can't go, "Never."

"Never!" They go, "Never." It's like their

way of going, "Never? Let's be honest.

"Come on, you mean, you try not to hit them,

but to say never. You're being... Come on."

You would never say that with anything

else. If it's wrong, it's wrong.

You would never go, "I never hit my wife."

Someone would go, "Never? Come on.

What if she runs out into the street?"

Oh, shut up.

Because that's what people say a lot, you know,

when you put that towards them, they're looking for a reason.

They don't wanna just believe that they could

never spank, so their mind goes... they go,

"There's never a reason to spank your kids."

And people go, "Oh, well, what about

if they run out into the street, huh?"

"I fucking got you, didn't I? Hmm?"

"Oh, I don't know, if they run out into the street,

maybe save them."

I like that... Even if some kids need to be spanked,

I don't ever... I don't think that

people are taken seriously that say it.

Like when you're at the mall... "That kid needs a

good spanking, that kid needs a good spanking."

You know why those people aren't taken seriously?

Because even if sometimes that's true,

they never say the other thing, right?

You never see a person go, "You know what

that kid needs, better fucking parents."

[LAUGHTER]

And by the way, if your parents spanked

you, you know, a lot of parents did.

That doesn't mean you have to be angry

with them. They did a great a job.

It's just years later you learn new things.

You have great parents. They love you.

I don't like when people hold on to it

though. Like you ever see a guy go,

"My dad used to whoop the shit out of me with a paddle."

"Whoop the shit out of me."

"You know what? Graduated with straight As."

Really? Does the end justify the means?

I don't... I don't know if that's true or not.

I would never go, "You know, my neighbor's dog used to bark."

"I knocked on the door, and I raped his wife."

"That dog don't bark no more. That dog don't bark no more."

[APPLAUSE]

I hate people that hold on to memory.

I hate people that say, "Back then."

Hate's a strong word, by the way,

But you'll think you know what I mean. Hate. I don't like people.

You know, hate... Just it's not a good word.

If I should be careful in the way

that... You know what I mean,

people that overuse the word "hate." "I hate Oprah."

Really? That's who you fucking hate, Oprah?

That's where you put your energy?

"Yeah, Oprah, look at her."

"She just tries to get a lot of attention

by making the world a better place."

"She's got to be fucking stopped."

[LAUGHTER]

"I hate cats."

It's the same thing... "I hate cats."

Shut... Really?

Hey, let me tell you something.

I prefer dogs over cats, but I don't hate cats.

People go, "I hate cats." Really?

What happened where you let a cat

get the upper hand like this?

Where were you at when you went, "Fuck them cats!"

"Oh, God, did you see that cat,"

"the way it was staring at me the whole night?"

[LAUGHTER]

Sometimes I feel old... There's

older people that are mad at people

that are... Just for being young.

That happens-They're just mad for being young.

They go... Just, you know, they...

Let me tell you something.

Except for your memories with your loved

ones, everything is better tomorrow.

Tomorrow's a better day. Technology's better.

People are more open-minded.

Tomorrow's better. So when people...

Some old fuck hold on to something, anything,

it doesn't even make sense. I saw this older guy once.

He was like probably 50, actually.

And he saw a kid with a cell phone,

and he goes, "Yeah, when I was a

kid, we didn't have cell phones."

That's because they didn't have them.

I don't have something they're now gonna have

in the future. Do I get any credit for that?

Back then, it's back then. Stop with the back then.

"Back then we didn't have bottled water.

"We drank out of the hose." Good.

Go drink out of the fucking hose. No one's stopping you.

Drink hose water, bottle hose water,

for all your hose-drinking water friends, okay?

It's just holding on... "Back then, people wore suits."

"Yeah, you wore suits. You looked good."

Yeah, I wore a suit two weeks ago.

It blows, okay? It's uncomfortable.

"Back then we had pong. We played pong and we liked it."

"We didn't have electrical outlet covers back then."

"If a kid stuck his finger in there, he learned his lesson."

Okay. Do you have a mental problem?

Who's going, "Yes, if a three-year-old

doesn't understand electrical current",

"he deserves to get his finger zapped."

"Thank you! Finally someone that agrees with me."

"Back then we didn't wear bicycle helmets."

"If a kid fell off a bike, he cracked his head open."

Yeah, I think you cracked your head open.

That's why you're complaining about dumb shit.

Why don't you do that? Why don't you put on a suit

and drink hose water and play pong

and leave me the fuck alone, okay?

[APPLAUDING]

Hey, by the way.

Let's deal with this tonight.

We're full grown adults in a room,

5,000 people.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER DIES OUT]

You know when people say, you've heard someone say,

You've been somewhere... "I don't even watch TV."

"I don't even own a TV."

Okay, they're saying it for a reason.

Let's start giving them what they want.

They're not just telling you they don't watch TV.

They want a reaction, right?

Just start giving it to them, please.

Can we put it to rest? These people will shut the fuck up

if we give them what they want to hear.

Next time somebody goes, "I don't watch TV,"

just go, "Oh, my God! You don't watch TV?"

"You're better than everybody."

"Oh, we've got an incredible person over here."

"You don't watch TV!"

"I can only imagine how many documentaries you've seen."

"Oh, you're like a poet!"

"I'm gonna give my children to you

because you could raise them better."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I do watch TV.

I love it. I love it all.

About a month ago I saw a documentary,

and they were talking about...

This is true... About prostitution.

And some of the prostitutes said they had kids.

But they go, "But I'm a good mom. But I have kids."

And a lot of my friends that I was watching it

with, you know, they were being silly, they go,

"Come on, you can't be a prostitute and a good mom."

And I wanted to be the one that argued it.

I wanted to be the one to go, "All right.

Don't, you know, judge everybody."

Because I always think everybody was a little cute boy

and a little cute girl. Everybody, right?

If you wanna know who your friends are, If

you have new friends or if you have friends,

look at pictures when they were younger.

You'll understand who they are.

You'll look at them, you'll go, "That's who you are."

You never look at a little girl and go, "Oh, my God."

"She's gonna be a whore when she gets older."

"She's got whore eyes. You can see it, right?"

But I still don't understand how can you do it.

It just seems hard to be a whore and a good mom.

I just picture a mom, like, in the kitchen, the kids come down.

She's like, "Let me tell you something."

"I did not blow five guys last night"

"so you can get a 'D' in math. I can't take it anymore."

"Your mother's ass is not a windsock, Sharon,

so you can buy every Barbie doll you see"

"when we go shopping."

"Mickey, I did not let a Chinese businessman"

"take a poop on me at 3:00 in the morning,"

"so I can send the two of you to summer camp,"

"and this is the thanks I get?"

"Sometimes I hope the next dick I

suck I get gonorrhea and I go blind,"

"so I don't have to look at the disappointment"

"that the two of you are turning into."

[LAUGHTER]

I like Extreme Makeover.

The only thing I'm not crazy about...

I do cry. I'm not gonna lie.

Why wouldn't you, if you're normal?

Seriously.

They always ask them what they like, you know?

They ask the kids, they have... The producers.

"What do you like?"

And then they say, "Oh, I like, you know, race cars."

Then they build them a whole race car

theme bedroom. They won't fucking stop.

I think it would be so funny

if one time they asked a little kid, "What do you like?"

He goes, "Pussy." They're like, "Oh!

And nothing else?" "Nah, just pussy."

You know, then some poor guy's gotta run out

and get a big bag of cotton balls and a toupee

to make a fake pussy because parents are good people.

I realize the later you're up,

it seems like they advertise a lot

of things, like cleaning products

that'll get any stain out of the carpeting.

They have a lot of bags that don't leak.

A knife that'll cut through anything.

I thought, do they think, like, mass

murderers are up late at night,

trying to clean up a crime scene?

Then I thought I'm being crazy.

But then I swear to you at 4:00 in the morning,

I saw an ad for a wood chipper.

What maniac is up at 4:00 in the morning,

looking for bags that don't leak and a wood chipper?

Why don't they just give a map of random vacant lots

where you can bury dead bodies at?

[LAUGHTER]

They just say things late at night.

It's just they ask questions

that no reasonable person's gonna respond to.

"You shouldn't have to pay more,

just 'cause you have bad credit."

[LAUGHTER]

I've had bad credit, and I like to believe that's true.

Well, what person's going, "You know",

"every time people give me money, I fuck 'em over."

"Now I need more money. Shouldn't I get a discount?"

[LAUGHTER]

Then he sees the commercial. He's like, "Yeah, thank you."

There's an ad for a law firm, Becker and Becker.

They go, "At Becker and Becker, we can't reverse your injuries",

"but we sure can get you a fair settlement."

Okay, no shit.

Who's calling to see if they could reverse the injuries?

What guy is calling up with his wife in the other room,

"Honey, I'm gonna call Becker and Becker."

"At this point, I guess all we can

hope for is a fair settlement."

"Ask if they can reverse the injuries."

[LAUGHTER]

[SCOFFS]

"Honey, I gotta be honest, and I love you,"

"but that's a little unrealistic."

"I think we should just call to see

if we can get a fair settlement."

"If it was your back, I would ask them."

"Why does everything have to be a fight?"

[LAUGHTER]

"Hi, Becker and Becker?"

"Yeah, can you, um,."

"I was in a car accident,"

"and I was just wondering if you could..."

"Ask them!"

"Could you reverse injuries?"

"No."

"You can't reverse the injuries? Okay."

"No, they can't reverse the injuries, honey."

"Ask for the supervisor."

[LAUGHTER]

You never know, maybe the supervisor gets on...

"Sure, we can reverse the injuries."

[LAUGHTER]

The thing they try to do late at night on TV

is they always ask you, "Are you tired of..."

They always have to sell a new product

by crapping on the old products.

"Are you tired of old-fashioned mops?"

All right, shut up!

Nobody's tired of old-fashioned mops.

Who's walking around...

"I can't take these mops anymore."

"What's going on with our society today?"

"Look at these mops! They're fucking archaic, honey."

They try to talk you into it.

"Are you tired of old-fashioned mops?"

"No."

"Yeah. But come on, think about it."

"Could you... Like you could leave 'em or take 'em right?"

"Yeah." "Then you're... Fuck 'em."

"No. I didn't say that. I just-."

"Yeah, but is a mop your favorite thing on a stick?"

"No. A hot dog is."

"Then fuck mops."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Are you tired?"

Always trying to make you tired of it, you know?

They have this other thing...

It's for a thing you plug into the wall,

and it keeps bugs out of your house.

Probably happens through a high pitched sound.

That's not good enough. They gotta shit on the old way.

"Are you tired of exterminators coming into your house?"

"Spraying poison on your children and food?"

If you're younger and you go to your guidance counselor

and you go, "You know what, I don't know what I wanna do"

"the rest of my life for a living."

"Why don't you tell me what you like to do,"

"then I could tell you what profession does that."

"You can? Shut the fuck up."

"Yeah. What do you like to do?"

"I like to spray poison in babies' faces."

"Oh, you should be an exterminator.

That's what they do."

"Yeah, they come into your house,"

"they go, 'Hey, is that your baby?'"

"You go, 'Yeah.' They go...'Pssshhhhh!'"

"Oh, my God, you sprayed poison in my baby's face."

"Yeah, that's how we get rid of bugs, lady, don't be stupid."

[LAUGHTER]

You notice they always happen to have

a dumb person in these infomercials?

You know who they think that is? Us.

They always have 'em.

They know they can't go, "Hey, we know you're dumb."

"So we're gonna answer dumb questions you might ask."

So they always have a dumb person in there.

That represents who they think we are.

In the Magic Bullet infomercial,

they literally... They have the Magic Bullet,

and they have a woman and she goes, "Hold on a second."

"You just crushed ice, now you're grinding coffee,"

"now you're mixing up margaritas..."

"All in that one thing."

"What is it?"

It's a blender, you stupid whore.

They go, "You can make a chicken salad sandwich in five seconds."

Okay, first of all, no, you can't.

No, you can't. Stop saying that.

Chopped-up chicken, some chopped-up

celery, Some chopped-up tomato.

Ghhh! Ghhh! Yeah.

But I don't have chopped-up bowls of shit in my kitchen.

I don't have an infomercial kitchen.

They think they have to list everything a product can do.

And this product will come along every so many years.

Sometimes it's a waffle maker.

"It's an amazing waffle maker."

"Over here we have waffles with strawberries on them."

"Over here we're putting pineapples on our waffles."

Yeah, I know you can put shit on waffles.

Nobody comes over to your house,

"Hey, can I put strawberries on these waffles?"

"Oh, fuck. I wish you could."

"You're talking about the one on the infomercial."

"Nah, mine's only plain."

"I'm sorry. I wish you could, you know. It'd be great."

ShamWow is my favorite.

The ShamWow is the epitome of listing

everything. The ShamWow, they just, uh,

they think they gotta list every single thing the product can do.

"It wipes up juice. It wipes up soda. It wipes up cola."

"It wipes up any type of beverages."

"Use it inside, use it outside,"

"use it upstairs, use it downstairs."

"The ShamWow will be wiping up messes for years to come."

"Low pulp orange juice, medium pulp orange juice,"

"extra pulp orange juice, all types of orange juice."

"Grapefruit juice, mixed drinks, vodka and soda, rum and coke."

"All types of mixed drinks. Use it

in your car, use it in your RV,"

"use it in your boat, it'll wipe up anything, anywhere."

"It will wipe up on hardwood floors, linoleum floors,"

"dark hardwoods, stained hardwood, any type of hardwood,"

"cement floors and more. What type of cat do you have?"

"Do you have a Persian cat, do you have an alley cat,"

"do you have a Himalayan cat, do you have a Siamese cat?"

"It'll wipe up the hair, wipe off the hair off the sofa,"

"off the ottoman, off the floor."

"Stop using lint brushes."

"If you wet them, oh, they're no good anymore."

"You can use it everywhere."

"Drop mustard packets on the floor, wipe 'em up."

"Drop ketchup packets on the floor, wipe 'em up."

"What type of dog do you have?"

"Do you have a Miniature Pinscher, a Doberman Pinscher,"

"a Schnauzer? Any type of dog."

"It'll wipe messes off the floor. That's right."

"Oh, my God, the dog peed on the

rug. If you didn't have a ShamWow,"

"it gets right into the floorboards."

"Oh, my God, we have to sell the house and move."

"What are you gonna do?"

"Drop McDonald's food on the floor, wipe it up."

"Drop Burger King on the floor, wipe it up."

"Drop Taco Bell on the floor, wipe it up."

"Anything... Hamburgers, chicken,."

"Chicken McNuggets, tenders and everything more."

"Drop a slushy on the floor, wipe it right up."

"Use it everywhere you go. Drop a grilled

cheese sandwich on the floor, wipe it up."

"Pepper Jack cheese, American cheese, white cheese,"

"yellow cheese, Gouda cheese, any type of cheese at all."

"It'll wipe it right up. That's right."

"Right now, we'll send you 50 ShamWows

and a free pair of scissors."

"You take those 50 ShamWows and cut them in half,"

"and you'll have 100 ShamWows."

"That's right."

"Drop a ShamWow on the floor."

"Wipe it up with another ShamWow."

Thank you everybody. Good night.

Thank you.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ANNOUNCER: Todd Glass.

Thank you very much.

ANNOUNCER: Todd Glass.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much, everybody.

Good night. Thank you.