Original subtitles

-That's what I'm going to title

my closing remarks tonight -- "Keep rolling."

Because what did we just watch?

Austin, we need this to be on a jib, crane shot.

You know, give me a high angle.

Austin Jennings, our director. -Cam forward. Check focus.

-Austin frequently pulls off miracles,

just like Higurashi in the movie.

What have we been watching tonight?

Nothing to do with zombies, that's for sure.

You know? It's a love letter to filmmaking and filmmakers

and especially low-budget filmmakers.

And it's about how even the corniest,

underfunded concept requires

a miracle of teamwork to pull off.

It's about what we call our mutant family,

the audience and the filmmaker,

the people who get it,

the people who are there every time

somebody like Shinichirou Ueda

or Lloyd Kaufman come out of nowhere

and create something

that corporate filmmaking just could never achieve.

You know, I go to a lot of conventions and film festivals,

and there's always that one guy

who wants to talk to me about his movie.

You know, "Joe Bob, help me make my movie."

And then he gives me a hundred reasons

why he can't make the movie.

He has no money.

He can't afford a fancy film school.

He doesn't know anybody in Hollywood.

His friends and family roll their eyes every time

he talks about his movie, because it's taken so long,

and they don't really think he'll ever make it.

He's not really a writer or director.

He works at an auto-body repair shop and he hates his job,

but he has to keep doing it, because he has a kid

to support and a ridiculous amount of student loans.

And so how could he ever find the time to work on his film?

So "One Cut of the Dead"

gives me a chance to say

to every aspiring filmmaker who watches this show,

because that's what they call themselves --

"aspiring filmmakers," when they talk to me --

I'm going to say right now what I say to every one of them.

Here's how to make your movie.

First of all, stop being an aspiring filmmaker.

Never again use the word "aspiring."

When you wake up tomorrow morning

and every day after that, you're a director.

You may do any number of jobs to make money,

but the first thing you do every day is you plan your writing

and your directing and your producing work for that day.

I don't care if you only have 10 minutes of free time.

You devote that time to your movie

because you're a filmmaker.

That's your real job.

You're not an auto-body repair man.

Call yourself a filmmaker, make filmmaking decisions.

Fuck aspiring. Alright?

Numero two-o -- it's not 1970.

You don't need a fancy film school.

Anything you don't know, it's on the Internet or at the library.

Anything. 100% of what you need to know.

We no longer live in a world

where you have to go to USC or NYU to get noticed.

If you can afford film school,

there are at least 30 outstanding ones.

If you can't, don't sweat it.

You're going to homeschool yourself

and you're going to know everything

there is to know about lenses, aspect ratios, types of cameras,

lighting schemes, production design, acting,

art direction, screenwriting, story structure,

scene beats, shot frame, and all the other aspects of film

that were once such well-guarded secrets

that you had to apprentice in a union to learn them.

All that knowledge is yours. Just go get it.

There's no excuse for you knowing less about filmmaking

than Quentin Tarantino

or John Carpenter or Martin Scorsese.

Three...

there is no Hollywood.

The worst thing you could do is move to L.A.

and get lost in the crowd of confused seekers out there.

Lloyd Kaufman has been involved with a thousand films,

but he started with a cheap comedy about a women's

softball team that nobody in Hollywood wanted.

Shinichirou Ueda started with a student film

that played one night at a film festival in a town

of 8,000 people, and Hollywood is calling him.

When you make your movie,

you're already standing at Hollywood and Vine.

Fourth, you don't need money. Stop using that as an excuse.

Great scripts don't cost anything.

Learn to write one.

Cameras cost 1% of what they cost 20 years ago.

Editing software is free.

Professional editing software is so cheap,

you can probably skip one night at the bar to pay for it.

There are great actors in your community.

Scour the college drama departments,

and you'll find them.

The words "pretty good for the money" --

those words no longer exist in your vocabulary.

You got enough money.

And when people start seeing your devotion to the project,

more money will appear.

"Field of Dreams" is not about baseball.

It's about film. Build the stadium.

Finally...

be prepared to fall on your face.

Be prepared to fall on your face over and over again.

Be prepared to write a crappy script

and then rewrite it into a crappier script

and then rewrite it again before you start to discover

what's wrong with it.

Be prepared to be unprepared

until you figure out how production planning works.

Be prepared to fail for a day or a week or a year.

But don't ever say, "I'm not a filmmaker."

You're a filmmaker. That's what filmmakers do.

They fail until they don't.

And then send me your movie,

because believe it or not, I'm dying to see it.

We all are. We just didn't know it until you made it.

In the spring of 1981,

I went to the Cannes Film Festival for the first time.

And that same year, Joe Spinell went to

the Cannes Film Festival for the first time.

Now, I was a drive-in-movie critic from Texas

who managed to get one of the 4,000 press passes

that they issued to film writers from around the world.

Joe Spinell had no ticket, no press pass,

no permission to film anything at the festival,

but he was doing it anyway by crashing parties,

crashing screenings, and crashing the festival itself

in order to produce, write, and star

in a movie called "The Last Horror Film."

Tonight, the last film out of the 212 horror films

that have been shown so far on this show,

"The Last Drive-In," is "The Last Horror Film."

And, Darcy, we are going out the same way

we came in -- celebrating the lost treasures of exploitation.

-Heck yeah we are. -Darcy the Mail Girl,

ladies and gentlemen, here to field your questions

and your comments on social media,

to deal with all of your nonsense,

and to thrill you with her knowledge of horror

in all its aspects.

E-mail her, DM her, tweet her.

Bring her into your life, and you will not regret it.

-Okay.

-I feel a kinship with Joe Spinell,

because we both got kicked around at that festival.

We got kicked around by the French police,

the Cannes security details,

and the tuxedoed bodyguards who would be stationed at any place

where celebrities were hanging out.

I can remember sitting on the floor of a hallway,

waiting an hour for my appointment

with a British director,

only to be shooed away like a homeless person

by a beautiful hooker arriving for her appointment

with the same guy.

If I wanted to watch one of the films in competition,

I had to be at the Festival Palace by

8:30 in the morning for the press screening,

which meant getting up at 7:00 a.m.

after attending midnight screenings

that frequently didn't end until 3:00 a.m.

And if I wanted to see the good stuff, the horror,

the exploitation, the erotic thrillers from Scandinavia,

I would have to stand in line at these tiny cinemas

on the winding, hilly street called the Rue d'Antibes,

where stern doorkeepers would try to keep the press out,

despite my pass giving me the right to watch any film

in the Cannes market.

So German, Spaniards, Italians, and French producers

all took turns screaming in my face

that I was not welcome at their screening,

only to give way when I insisted on my rights

that were stated on my pass.

Joe Spinell,

who had a long history of being kicked out of places --

He was always being carried out of

Gallagher's topless bar in New York City.

He had no trouble talking his way

past any velvet rope or metal chain

ever stretched across a theater entrance.

Joe Spinell was so prepared for Cannes

that he art-directed this room --

it's the room above the marquee

of the Star Theatre on the Rue d'Antibes --

so that he could use it as a set for his starring role

as an obsessed, fanatical stalker,

while also sleeping there every night throughout filming.

We were both on missions to break through

the stuffy traditions of the world's

oldest film festival, and while I had mixed success,

Joe hit home run after home run.

I was in awe of this man.

But I was not the only person in awe of Joe Spinell.

Robert Forster, the versatile actor who got awards

and critical acclaim for many movies -- "Jackie Brown,"

"Mulholland Drive," "Medium Cool," "Breaking Bad,"

movies we've had on "The Last Drive-In,"

like "Alligator" and "Uncle Sam" --

that Robert Forster -- he used to organize

these weekly spaghetti suppers for character actors in L.A.

And anybody attending for the first time

would be given the Joe Spinell tape,

a collection of Joe Spinell's best scenes from "Taxi Driver,"

"Rocky," "The Godfather," "Maniac," many other movies

where he would sometimes appear for just 30 seconds or less

and steal the screen from every other actor.

Character actors, like Ed Lauter, Henry Silva,

Frank Gorshin, Frank Pesce,

even A-listers, like Robert De Niro --

they had such admiration for Spinell

that they would pass around this Forster tape

and talk about what a tragedy it was that he had died early,

at age 52, after falling in the shower

and bleeding to death on his sofa.

He was the victim of his lifelong hemophilia,

but also the victim of his lifelong love of vodka,

cocaine, 48-hour parties with pretty girls,

and his intense grief over the loss of his mom,

who had died two years earlier

after co-starring with him in "The Last Horror Film."

Joe Spinell was one of a kind, friend of the rich and famous,

as well as half the cabdrivers in New York City,

since he used to drive a cab to make ends meet

between acting jobs.

Everybody loved Joe. Everybody mourns Joe.

Everybody knew that Joe would be killed by his own lifestyle.

So I've chosen "The Last Horror Film"

as our last horror film on "The Last Drive-In,"

because Joe Spinell exemplified the love of movies

the same way we do -- insanely.

He was an underdog,

he understood the messy nature of filmmaking,

and he broke through the mystique of formal cinema

to make down-and-dirty, raw entertainment.

Joe Spinell busted up Cannes

the way he busted up everything -- with violent love.

And you will know what I mean

once you finish this movie tonight.

So let's look at those "Drive-In Totals"

and get started. We have...

"Drive-In" Academy Award nominations for Caroline Munro

as the queen of horror films for saying,

"I've seen enough fake blood

to know the real thing when I see it."

Joe Spinell as Vinny, the would-be director for saying,

"Mom, I'm going to be famous."

Mary Spinell, Joe's real-life mom,

as Vinny's mom for saying, "I made macaroni.

You don't eat right.

More protein so you won't have so many crazy ideas."

Glenn Jacobson as Caroline Munro's husband

in the movie for saying,

"Looks like it's going to be an interesting film festival."

Judd Hamilton, Caroline Munro's husband in real life,

as her manager and lover in the movie, for saying,

"I guess I've been real stupid about this, haven't I?"

And David Winters, the director,

for making the movie without a script.

Four stars. Joe Bob says, "Check it out."

You know, they have those topless beaches in France

right there by the festival palace.

I call it the festival palace.

It's the Palais des Festivals.

I actually said it okay that time.

-You did.

-But, normally, I can't say Palais des Festivals.

Anyway,

you got naked women everywhere you look in Cannes.

-Nothing wrong with that.

-Actually, all French beaches are topless beaches.

They have freed the nipple in France, Darcy.

I knew there was a reason I liked that country.

-How is the Free the Nipple movement going in America?

-We are still struggling here.

We haven't even totally freed the areola yet.

-What do you mean?

-I get flagged for areola exposure.

-That is just mean-spirited. -Agreed!

-You know, I'm 100% behind the Free the Nipple,

'cause I just want you to know I would be happy

to spring my own nipples out of confinement

whenever you say the word.

-Well, alright. I'm taking you up on that.

-Darcy, nobody wants to see my nipples.

That was a symbolic gesture and a bad joke.

-Oh, I beg to differ, and it is too late anyway.

You are down for shirtless solidarity.

-I am? -You said it. You are.

-Is that a good thing? Shirtless solidarity?

-Oh, it's a very good thing.

-I'm not so sure.

-Too bad. You're in. Do it.

-How about a spaghetti-strap undershirt?

-Nope.

-No? Wife-beater?

-Nipples.

-Oh!

-It's awful.

-Sleaze.

-Weirdo.

-♪ I said I'd write a letter, but I never got the time ♪

♪ And looking to the day, I mesmerize the light ♪

♪ The years I spend just thinking

of a moment we both knew ♪

♪ And a second boss looking into me,

it seems it can't be true ♪

♪ I take pictures ♪

♪ I take pictures ♪

♪ Photographic pictures ♪

♪ Bright light ♪

♪ Dark room ♪

♪ I take pictures ♪

♪ Photographic pictures ♪

♪ Bright lights ♪

♪ Dark room ♪

♪ Bright lights ♪

-What is he reading? What are you reading about?

Jana? How's Jana doing, Vinny?

Huh? -Ah, leave him alone.

-This guy is really crazy, you know?

-Why don't you stop dreaming, Vinny?

For Christ's sake, wake up and get smart to yourself.

-Jana Bates.

Sure, she's the queen of horror films.

She's fantastic.

Not because of Alan Cunningham, though.

He's no director. Wait till she works with me.

Then we'll both win an Oscar.

Lights!

-Camera!

-Action!

-"The Life of Vinny Durand," final take.

-Ladies and gentlemen,

the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences

proudly presents Miss Jana Bates.

-And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the award for the Outstanding Achievement by a Director

and this coveted prize goes to a man of true genius.

A wizard of the cinematic arts.

And it is Mr. Vinny Durand.

-Get smart to yourself. Stop dreaming, man.

-Hey, Vinny,

when are you going to make that film with Jana, huh?

-Shut up!

-Come on, Vinny.

-Get out of here. Nothing but a bunch of creeps.

Nothing but a bunch of creeps!

We want to talk...

-Where are you goin' now? Vinny, come on back.

Oh, Vinny! Bye-bye, baby!

Hey! Hey!

-Hey! Hey! -Bye-bye! Bye-bye!

-♪ It's just a dream ♪

♪ You're just a dreamer ♪

-Vinny Duran, you're on your way, man.

Cannes film festival, here I come.

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Dream a dream away ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ No matter what people say ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Dream with all your heart ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ You're just a dreamer ♪

♪ You're just a dreamer ♪

♪ You're just a dreamer ♪

-Hi, Ma.

How are you? -Hi.

You're home early. Are you alright?

-Yeah, I'm fine. Couldn't feel better.

I got my ticket and I'm going to the South of France.

The Cannes Film Festival, Ma.

And I'm gonna make my film with Jana Bates.

-Vinny, stop thinking about those crazy ideas.

You'll only get yourself upset again.

I made baked macaroni. You don't eat right.

More protein, you won't have so many crazy ideas.

-Well, I don't know why the ideas are so crazy, you know?

Just 'cause I want to make my film with Jana Bates.

She wouldn't think my ideas are crazy, Ma.

-It's wrong for you to be thinking about

Jana Bates day and night.

Why don't you be happy just driving the cab?

-Because I got talent, Ma!

I'm going to be a great director someday!

-Don't yell at your mother. -Nobody.

Nobody better get in my way.

-Here's some baked macaroni. -Oh, thanks, Ma.

But I'm not hungry right now. Please. You understand.

-Sure. -You make some when I come back.

Look, Louis D. is gonna take care of the cab.

And don't worry, he'll give you money and everything, okay?

-Why are you doing this, Vinny?

-I don't know, Ma, Why do you have to do anything?

I just have to do my thing.

Say a prayer for me while I'm gone.

I love you, Mom.

-Goodbye.

Oh, Vinny, you're such a dreamer.

-And I tell you, Vinny, I come here for the chicks.

This is the best damn hunting ground I've ever found.

And they all think I'm a rich Texan.

-Thanks for the lift, Tex.

-You stick around here, boy,

you'll have the time of your life.

-Thanks, anyway, but I got things to do.

-Sure you won't change your mind?

-Well, uh... appreciate the lift.

-Oh, hey, man, I really could use a drinking buddy.

I mean, these chicks here always travel in pairs.

-Yahoo!

Ride 'em, cowboy!

Whoo-hoo!

I love the movies!

-And now Nova Radio, the English-language voice

of the French Riviera, brings you the news.

The free world is still in shock

following the unsuccessful assassination attempt

upon the life of President Ronald Reagan.

Doctors attending the 70-year-old chief of state

listed his condition as guarded,

but expressed optimism

that Mr. Reagan would make a complete recovery.

Meanwhile, reports have leaked from the FBI

which link the alleged assassin, John Hinckley,

with film actress Jodie Foster.

An FBI source said that Hinckley

had written several letters

and placed long-distance phone calls to Ms. Foster

at her residence at Yale University.

Hinckley's obsession with Ms. Foster

allegedly began after seeing her in the film 'Taxi Driver,'

in which she played a teenage prostitute.

Ms. Foster was unavailable for comment.

-This performance is by far the best.

-Absolutely brilliant.

-Jana Bates is just absolutely the queen of horror movies.

-Now Nova Radio brings you the news.

Locally, the 34th annual Cannes Film Festival will get

under way today, as, once again,

the luminaries of the international film industry

pack themselves into that small coastal resort town.

Due to the rash of terrorist acts that have scarred Europe,

most notably yesterday's shooting of Pope John Paul II

in Vatican Square, Festival authorities have

increased security precautions.

And now, we switch you to our show-business reporter

on the scene, Roving Rona.

-This is Roving Rona on the scene.

The hottest ticket in town is an invite to the

private soiree producer Bret Bates

is throwing tonight to honor his star

and once-upon-a-time wife, Jana Bates.

Jana is said to be a front-runner for

Best Actress for her chilling performance in

"Scream," the smash horror flick produced by Bret Bates,

but directed by Jana's new love

and constant companion, Alan Cunningham.

Talk about a love triangle.

Sparks may fly tonight at the Studio Circus.

Who, you might ask, will be around to pick up

the pieces of Jana's career

after Bret and Alan fight it out?

All this reporter can say is, look out, Jana!

-♪ It was one of those magic times ♪

♪ Vacation every spring ♪

♪ She caught me looking at her ♪

♪ When she was looking at me ♪

-Excuse me, Mr. Bates. Mr. Bates, do you remember me?

My name is Susan Archer. -Sure I do, Susan.

-I'm starring in Stanley Kline's new film.

-Mm-hmm.

-I have a project I'd like to discuss with you,

if you've got the time.

-I'd like to discuss it with you, Susan.

-Mr. Bates, I'm talking about business.

-So am I, honey.

-Well, let go of me. I'm not one of your starlets.

I'm not on the beach topless or walking down La Croisette.

-You are too charming, Mr. Bates.

-Good luck, sweetheart.

-♪ Straight shooter ♪

-Yes, it is true Alan and I are in love.

And I happen to think he's a wonderful director.

-So, where does that leave Bret Bates?

-Well, uh...

-Uh, Mr. Bates is still Jana's producer.

Perhaps you gentlemen will excuse us now.

We just want to have a little dance.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

-Thank you.

-♪ She was a straight shooter ♪

♪ She shot straight from the heart ♪

-No, sorry, it is not possible. -Please let me in.

-Hello. Entrez. Bonsoir.

Hello.

Sorry.

-Whoo! -What about over here?

Come on. Will ya? -No, no, you cannot go in.

No. -Damn it!

Hey, you bunch of creeps! Who needs you, anyway?

I don't need you. I've been to better places than this.

-Good evening. Mademoiselle. I'm doing a study from articles.

I want to examine the psychological effect

of the horror films on the public.

Many people still believe that repeated viewings

of these films is warping the minds of you young people.

Now, my study -- -Uh, Lisa, come on. Let's go to the party.

-Come here! Allez, Lisa!

-Yeah, come on! -You little shit.

-♪ Ooh, whoa-oh ♪

-You know, Marty, I'll tell you,

the timing of my film is perfect.

Horror is really in right now.

Bret Bates -- he got lucky.

Did a couple pictures with Jana just

before the whole fantasy thing really took off.

-Stanley, I know it. You know it.

Bret Bates is a lucky-ass.

As far as I'm concerned,

he parades that macho-stud number

of his just a little too hard and much too often.

Bet you didn't know -- he had a thing going with

Greg from my office.

And from what I hear, he hates Alan's guts.

-You agents.

You always have to bring it down to that level, don't you?

-You think that's something, Stanley?

You wouldn't believe some of the things I've got on you.

-♪ She shot straight from the heart ♪

♪ Straight shooter ♪

♪ Had me right from the start ♪

♪ Ooh, whoa-oh ♪

-Bunch of decadent bastards.

Who do they think they're dealing with, anyway?

I'm Vinny Durand, man.

I'm Vinny Durand. Ha!

Someday, they'll be sorry. I don't need their stupid party.

They're gonna be sorry.

-Look at them pretending like they really like each other.

It's an act just for the photographers.

Deep down, they really hate each other's guts.

I'll tell you something, William.

-What?

-Bret's going to get bounced by the two of them for sure.

-And that'll make a lot of people happy.

-♪ Another time and place ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Might not have heard what you had to say ♪

-♪ Ooh -♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I'm gonna...

-♪ Taking a chance on you ♪

-♪ You gotta return the favor ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Might not have fallen in love, it's true, yeah ♪

-♪ Just one of those things when the time was right ♪

-♪ No reason for us to hold back tonight ♪

-♪ Not coming to light the fire this time ♪

-♪ We didn't plan it, but here we are ♪

-Hello? -Miss Jana Bates, please.

-She's not here. -Look, I know she's there.

I've got to talk to her.

You tell her she better talk to me,

because I'm going to make her

the greatest actress that ever lived.

I've got the perfect movie for her.

-Look, I don't know who you are,

but if this is about a script, forget it.

-It is about a script. -I produce all of Jana's films

and I don't read anything unless it comes through an agent.

-I don't have an agent, but I -- -Got that?

Please --

-What's wrong with the switchboard?

I told them to screen all my calls regarding Jana's business.

They let some kook through.

-This is for Jana Bates.

-Merci.

-"You've made your last horror film. Goodbye"?

-Huh.

-What a strange note.

Alan, are you sure you won't go with me to see Bret?

-No, not in your life.

If he wants to see me, he'll invite me.

Besides, I've got a feeling he's upset about us.

-He's not upset about anything.

As long as he's got his money and his young girls,

he's happy, believe me.

-Mm, I've noticed.

-Yeah.

For Monsieur Bates.

-Monsieur Bates? -Oui.

Take it out.

What is this? A threat?

Who sent it? -Je ne sais pas, Monsieur.

Au revoir.

-Hmm.

Looks like it's going to be an interesting festival.

-I got it. -There she is.

-Smile, miss. -Merci.

-Yes, Jana, baby.

Yes, that's it.

-Thank you. Thank you.

Hello.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello. Hello.

Yes. Hello.

Bret?

Bret!

It's Jana.

Bret.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Bret?

Bret!

Bret!

-Jana Bates is played, of course,

by the great Caroline Munro,

the only actress ever to be put under contract by Hammer Films.

She was also a Bond girl.

She was the helicopter pilot/assassin

in "The Spy Who Loved Me."

She was married at the time of this movie.

Not to the actor playing her headless ex-husband.

That actor is Glenn Jacobson.

But her real-life husband is the guy playing Alan Cunningham,

the director of her new movie and the new man in her life,

and that actor is Judd Hamilton,

who was originally a musician with surf-rock bands

in early '60s California.

But he was also an actor

and he had become a producer by the time

his wife made the movie "Maniac" with Bill Lustig in 1980.

Judd Hamilton raised a lot of the money for that movie

and he impressed his investor group when "Maniac" started

making a profit just six months after its release.

So the investors were now anxious to make "Maniac 2,"

but Hamilton didn't want to do that.

He told me he needed $500,000 for another movie.

He got the money for that movie without a script --

this movie -- and told everybody to meet in the South of France,

where he had hired David Winters to direct.

Now, David Winters was primarily a dancer and choreographer.

In fact, he was a famous choreographer.

He'd worked with Elvis and Ann-Margret

and Nancy Sinatra and Diana Ross and Lucille Ball

and many other stars.

But he had aspirations to direct,

and somehow, he convinced Hamilton he could do it.

Now, the whole concept of the movie

really came from Joe Spinell,

who everybody wanted to work with

because "Maniac" had made so much money.

And so Hamilton bypassed Bill Lustig,

who was pushing for "Maniac 2,"

and he went out on his own with the idea

that they would just go to Cannes

and figure out the script later.

Now, it sounds like an insane idea,

but they actually pulled it off.

The movie really takes off when Vinny arrives in France

and gets his room above the Star Theatre

and gets turned away by the doorman at Studio Circus,

where all the cool people are partying.

Studio Circus was, indeed, the famous place owned

by Paul Pacini, who had invented the discotheque.

The disco was -- The first disco was Whisky à Gogo,

in Paris in 1947, and that was Paul Pacini.

When the Cannes Festival was in full swing,

movie stars and millionaires from around the world

partied there, and they went there to be seen.

But the whole movie is kind of cinema verité,

because the scenes in New York

were straight out of Joe Spinell's life.

The mom is played by Filomena Spagnuolo,

Joe Spinell's real-life mom, and her scenes are in the apartment

where they lived together, and that's his cab

that he drives in the scene

where all the taxi drivers make fun of him.

And those are the real-taxi drivers

that he worked with between movie jobs.

I'm really impressed

that David Winters was able to capture what Cannes

really does look like and feel like during the festival,

you know, that bizarre,

over-the-top commercialism of everything.

And did you notice, Darcy,

what movie is playing at the Star Theatre?

-Yeah. "Cannibal Holocaust."

-None other than "Cannibal Holocaust."

We can't escape "Cannibal Holocaust."

-That's true. -Back to the movie. Roll it.

See, one of the misconceptions about Cannes

is that it's mainly a competition

for these quality art films.

It's really a Turkish bazaar for exploitation films.

That's why I was there.

I mean, you'd have to get up early every day

and read the schedule of screenings

that were published by Screen International magazine.

You know, they would show you what theater,

what time, what the title was,

and then you'd just go try to see as much as possible.

I would sometimes watch seven, eight movies a day,

but by the time it's over,

because it's such a long festival,

I'd start doing what the producers and the distributors

and the buyers do, which is,

if the movie doesn't get my attention

in the first 20 minutes, I bail and go to some other movie.

You know, you basically live, sleep, eat movies

the whole time you're there.

-That's all you did the whole time?

-Yeah, because I was not the kind of guy

who would be easily admitted to Studio Circus.

I mean, I could probably get in,

but what am I going to do once I'm inside?

Dance with Isabelle Adjani?

I don't think so. -You should have tried.

-No, I would have been late the next day

for the premiere of "Basket Case."

-Ah. That's a lot more important for sure.

-I'm Joe Bob Briggs, by the way,

and I'm especially proud for Season 3 of

"The Last Drive-In."

We are a simple type of people here.

We come here every week to watch people getting killed,

terrorized, mutilated, and eaten.

-Num num!

Oh, yeah!

Just get it pointed toward L.A.

Hi there, Eli.

-The '70s had tons of good movies.

-I love that whole thing.

-Giving it life.

-Because they have something that these men want.

-Is this what you want?

-Oh, my God, Darcy!

Neither mass killers, nor online bullies

can stay Darcy from her appointed rounds.

-Scaredy-cat.

-Have you got all that? Okay.

Alright. Bring me my charts.

-God!

-We celebrate the shot-on-video-camcorder

revolution of the '80s.

-Why are we watching this?

-Shut the fuck up.

-I'm sorry. What?

-Retire your brain as we

approach the climax of "Spookies."

-♪ Hey, we watchin' "Spookies" ♪

♪ It's a very confusing movie ♪

-It's Roger Corman night.

-Thought, "I can make a film like that."

-What he has to say about filmmaking

can actually be applied to anything, not just movies.

Because what did he say?

Be brave enough to do the rough things first,

figure out what your roughest days are going to be,

and attack those.

Have a great plan, but be prepared to change it.

Number three -- open big and close big,

and the stuff in the middle won't matter.

Everybody in the country has rough days,

rough things to figure out.

Everybody in the country is trying to open a new chapter

and open it big and move toward a big closing,

hopefully after years of ignoring all the little stuff

that gets in the way in the middle.

I'm Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you

that the drive-in will never die.

-Look, you'll never know until you read a script

exactly what kind of part it is.

It's a fabulous part of the job.

And it's not a horror picture.

Look, this is the deal, okay?

We'll distribute the picture. We'll also finance it.

I'll produce the picture, and you direct it.

Jana stars in it. But no Bret Bates.

We will not deal with Bret Bates.

-I don't think there's any way around it.

-Believe me, there's a way to get rid of Bret Bates.

Drink up.

Cheers.

-I can't believe it. -Excuse me. Excuse me.

What is going on? What happened to Bret?

-I don't know. It was...

His head. Oh, God!

-We called the hotel right after Mrs. Bates arrived.

And the manager, who is a friend of mine,

checked personally the room of Mr. Bates.

But there was no Mr. Bates,

dead or alive.

-I know -- I know I saw him. -Excuse me.

-I-I know. -Jana, Jana, are you sure?

I mean, do you know he was dead?

You know and I know he's a practical joker.

-Oh, Alan...

Alan, I swear he was dead.

I know. I've seen enough fake blood

to know the real thing when I see it.

-Okay. You've had a really bad shock.

I just hope he's not playing some stupid game.

-What are we gonna do?

-I'm sure the police are doing everything they can.

Let's just get out of here.

I've got something that'll help calm you down.

-What are you talking about? Damn it!

You don't believe me either, do you?

-Okay, okay. I'm telling you,

he's probably up in the room with a bottle of champagne

and a silly-ass grin on his face.

Would you like a drink?

-Alan.

I think there was a note attached to him.

-I still think it's some kind of a joke,

a sick joke, and it's -- it's more of Bret's nonsense.

Trust me, I'll get to the bottom of it.

But for now, forget about Bret

and forget about his special effects.

-Oh, God.

-This is Nova Radio with the news.

Financial turmoil gripped France today following

the election of Francois Mitterrand,

the first Socialist president

since the founding of the Fifth Republic.

Securities prices tumbled,

the franc came under heavy speculative pressure,

and the price of gold soared.

And now, we switch you to

our show-business reporter on the scene.

-Aah!

Caught you...

you naughty boy.

Does your mommy know what you're doing?

Mm!

Don't be afraid.

We won't hurt you.

Oh, I got it.

All action, no talk.

Why don't you get your friend?

You know, the cowboy.

And we'll go for a little swim.

Ha! Forget it, creep!

Get lost.

-Forget it, girls. He's just like a little boy.

He doesn't want to play. He just wants to watch.

-Your movie must have driven him crazy.

-Hey, weirdo. -He's just a frustrated man.

-I know I saw Bret murdered,

and you and everybody else

are trying to pretend it didn't happen.

Just take a look at this.

-Oh, yeah. Definitely made the headlines.

I think the worst thing we can do right now is to overreact.

-So as long as I can pretend not to believe my own eyes

and forget about it, then we can live happily ever after.

Is that what you want?

-Jana, even you said that you ran straight back out.

How do you know what you really saw?

Anything to do with Bret is automatically suspicious.

Especially a disappearing act.

-I'm actually starting to doubt myself.

But tell me, why would Bret want to do something like that?

Why?

-You know, I really think it could be a promotion stunt.

It's right down his alley.

-♪ Saw you in the picture ♪

♪ The photograph, the magazine ♪

-♪ I am your greatest fan of all ♪

-♪ Followed you everywhere ♪

-♪ To the end of time ♪

-♪ The corner square ♪

♪ I left with your autograph ♪

-♪ And you left with my heart ♪

♪ Perfect stranger on a moonless night ♪

-♪ Always danger in the behold a sight ♪

♪ This is temptation ♪

♪ And you pay the price ♪

♪ To the perfect stranger ♪

♪ Perfect stranger ♪

-Alan, I've got to get the hell out of here, please.

-Alright. -Ms. Bates?

Yes, can I have another smile?

-Give them just one more smile.

-Hold it. Yes. Great!

-Mr. Martin Bernstein, your call is ready to Stanley Kline.

-Thank you.

-Pardon. Monsieur Vinny Durand.

-Yes. Your call will be next.

-Hello? Hello?

Me, Marty. Yeah. Yeah. You?

Fantastic.

Listen, uh, about that Lilly Mars deal.

I have to get 35 G's for Lilly Mars,

and she's got to have a car and a driver.

Are you kidding? She loves grisly movies.

Listen, Stanley, if you want to be a real smart cookie,

use Lily in the lead, not the old-lady part.

O-Okay, okay, okay.

25 G's.

But I want it up front in the bank before she starts.

It's a deal.

B-movie bastard.

-Excuse me, Mr. Bernstein.

Uh, you're Lilly Mars' agent, aren't you?

I think she's really great.

Look, I'm making this movie.

It's the perfect picture for her.

I've got this really great part. -Hey, get lost, will ya?

-Mr. Durand, your call is ready.

You have to take it or give up your place.

-Yes, operator,

could you place my call to the States, please?

No, not the one to California.

The one to New York. Yes, 212 area code.

392-2304.

Merci beaucoup.

Hello, Mom? -Hello, Vinny?

-Listen, Mom, are you sitting down?

Because I got great news for you.

Jana Bates is going to star in my next movie.

It's all set. I'm producing and directing.

-Vinny, are you sure you're making a movie?

-Look, Mama, would you please just believe me for once?

-You're going too far now, Vinny.

You and your crazy ideas.

Are you sure you're alright, Vinny?

You sound so crazy. God damn it!

I can't hear you, Vinny. -I can't see you, Vinny.

You'll have to speak louder.

-Who are you? -That's better.

Now tell us why you're such a failure, Vinny.

-I'm a genius.

Jana Bates is going to star in my movie.

She loves me!

-You couldn't get Jana Bates to talk to you.

Talk to you.

-Hello? Vinny?

Vinny!

♪ Here I stand alone

-♪ Cold and weak ♪

♪ At the ragged edge ♪

♪ Of my losing streak ♪

-♪ I think I might have gone too far ♪

-♪ I was always a winner ♪

♪ How did I end up like this? ♪

♪ Reduced to a lovesick schoolboy ♪

♪ Seduced by her with just one kiss ♪

♪ Gone too far ♪

♪ Gone too far ♪

♪ I think I might have lost control ♪

♪ Another victim of a harsh soul ♪

♪ Gone too far ♪

♪ Gone too far ♪

♪ I'm beginning to see the signs ♪

♪ I think I might have crossed the line ♪

♪ Gone too far ♪

-Please!

-Inspector Maret -- -Marét.

-Marét. Whatever.

Bret Bates got a note like this before he disappeared.

Now, what we want is protection.

Protection?

You don't think we're making this up, do you?

-Uh, quite frankly...

yes.

He is a famous producer of horror movies.

His ex-wife is a famous star of horror films.

And only she saw the body.

Now everyone is talking about it.

So, personally, I think it could be a great publicity stunt.

Perhaps the greatest we have ever had.

Now be satisfied

and let us get back to the real problems,

like traffic congestion.

-Even though Joe Spinell did party every night at Cannes,

Caroline Munro said he was a pleasure to work with,

always showed up on time, always knew his lines,

always had interesting ideas

for what could be done with the story.

Joe Spinell grew up in Queens,

in an Italian neighborhood, and he had severe hemophilia,

which is probably what made him so close to his mother --

all his childhood health issues.

And he always wanted to be an actor

and he pursued it in every way he could,

mainly by enrolling at HB Studios,

which is where a lot of New York actors start out,

where Austrian Herbert Berghof

and his wife, Uta Hagen, taught the Strasberg Method,

but added a lot of European techniques to it.

And Spinell also immersed himself in theater.

He did Off-Off-Broadway plays, he did regional productions,

and he got pegged very early in life as a streetwise heavy.

He worked whenever and wherever he could, though.

He took bit parts in movies like "The Producers,"

"Where's Poppa?"

TV shows like "NYPD" and "The Nurses."

He was always cast as a two-bit crook, working-class loser.

But his breakthrough was "The Godfather."

He got cast as Willi Cicci, a hit man for the Corleone family.

He continued the role in "The Godfather 2."

And that cemented his reputation

in Martin Scorsese's "Taxi Driver"

as a campaign aide,

who has a lot of scenes with Cybill Shepherd,

who plays Travis Bickle's love interest, of course.

It was around this time

that he befriended Sylvester Stallone.

This would have been long before anybody knew who Stallone was.

And that friendship eventually resulted in the role

of Tony Gazzo, the loan-shark boss of Rocky Balboa

in both "Rocky" and "Rocky 2."

So even though he was regarded as a character guy,

he was a character guy who had performed in

five of the top-grossing movies of the 1970s.

And all of that was before what's considered

his defining role, which was "Maniac,"

as the disturbed serial killer

in Bill Lustig's low-budget classic

that we had on the show a few seasons ago.

In almost all of those cases, Spinell would get the part

because of friendships and networking,

because he made it his business to know everyone

and be kind to everyone, and everyone loved him.

It was around the time that he made "The Last Horror Film"

that he had the one big romantic love of his life.

He actually became engaged to the porn star Samantha Fox.

She was one of the original porn stars from the '70s.

And she had a tendency to party just as hard as he did.

No doubt they met through the New York nightlife scene,

Studio 54, and all that stuff, or else through Bill Lustig,

who had directed porn films before his breakthrough film,

which was also "Maniac."

But they had broken up long before Spinell's death in 1989.

Samantha Fox partied hard, but not that hard.

Joe Spinell partied hard right up until his death.

He would often call his best friends and ask them

to come over for what he called "vodka breakfast," okay?

So, back to the movie. Roll it.

Those four naked girls frolicking in the night surf --

those were all actresses who begged to be in the film.

So Spinell told them, "Okay, but you got to do nudity."

And they said, "Okay, we're fine with that."

And he told them when to come down to the beach,

and they showed up, and he wrote that scene.

And he told the main actress

she had to humiliate him for being a mama's-boy voyeur.

And that's exactly what she did.

But it was totally by chance that those actresses showed up

and wanted to be in the movie,

but it was definitely the kind of scene

that fleshes out the character of Vinny.

It's amazing -- so much of this movie seems to be put together

from random occurrences in the lives of the director,

producer, and the actors,

and, yet, it holds together as a narrative.

So, what did you think of the four-girl full frontal, Darcy?

-Oh, I'm a fan.

-One reason they needed that

is that Caroline Munro always refused to do nudity.

I don't think she ever did nudity in her whole career.

She would go right up to the edge

that she would not do even topless.

So -- Even for those sexy Hammer roles that she had.

-Yeah, some people have issues with that.

-Convent school in London. That's where she went.

Although, that usually works in the opposite direction.

Catholic girls in convent school

usually end up being the wild ones, right?

-So I've heard.

-I grew up in the Baptist church.

They don't believe in nudity.

Even in the bathtub, they don't believe in it.

Bob...

When I started doing this 9,000 years ago,

I thought it was a temporary thing.

I thought it was a way to mess around with movies

that nobody else cared about,

be a smart-ass,

annoy some stuffed shirts.

But I thought I would eventually do something

more serious with my life.

Make a mark.

Write a great book,

affect the political situation, win a Pulitzer Prize.

Because, after all, "Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In"

and "Joe Bob's Drive-In Theater"

and "Joe Bob's MonsterVision"

and "Joe Bob's Last Drive-In"

were never taken seriously by anyone important.

They didn't even have good demographics.

The audiences even were considered low class.

But a strange thing happened,

and the only way I can explain it

is to tell you the plot of a movie.

There's a Preston Sturges movie

in which Joel McCrea plays a film director.

And this film director makes mindless,

cheap comedies with titles like "Hey, Hey in the Hayloft,"

"So Long Sarong,"

and "Ants in Your Pants, 1939."

And the director yearns to make a socially significant movie

that will actually help people.

And so he sets out to make a movie called

"O Brother, Where Art Thou?"

And he's researching his magnum opus,

disguising himself as a hobo, eating in soup kitchens,

sleeping in shelters, giving out $5 bills to the homeless.

But then he gets ambushed for his money,

gets knocked out, gets dragged into a boxcar,

wakes up in a strange city,

and he doesn't remember who he is.

In fact, he's so confused that he bashes

a railway worker in the head with a rock

and he gets sentenced to six years in prison.

And while he's in prison,

he slowly regains his memory.

And one day, he hears the sound of laughter

and all these hardened criminals,

the people he was trying to help with

his socially relevant film are watching a movie,

and their faces are full of joy for the first time.

And the movie they're watching is "Hey, Hey in the Hayloft."

That's the only way I know how to explain what

an eye-opener "The Last Drive-In"

has been for me.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in, hangin' around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies, so come on down ♪

♪ To "Joe Bob's Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies, and more ♪

♪ "Joe Bob's Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with the world's greatest host ♪

Yeah!

♪ "Joe Bob's Last Drive-In" show ♪

Gonna be legendary.

♪ "Joe Bob's Last Drive-In" show ♪

Gonna be very scary.

♪ "Joe Bob's Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

-Marty Bernstein! Marty Bernstein!

Marty Bernstein! Message for Marty Bernstein!

-Over here!

Thanks. -Monsieur.

Thought he'd run out on me.

The sly bastard.

Disappearance my ass.

He was setting me up the whole time.

Thanks. I-I mean, merci.

Star Theatre.

Hello?

Hello, Bret?

It's me, Marty.

Hey, I got your message, man.

Came for my money. Come on, lay it on me.

You always were theatrical, Bret.

But, man, you're blinding me.

Bret?

Hey, you know, you certainly had us all fooled.

I gotta hand it to you, you sly fox.

A lot of people received these notes --

"You've made your last horror film."

Pretty frightening, Bret.

-♪ Well, there's trouble in paradise ♪

-♪ Trouble in paradise ♪

-♪ The story don't sound too nice ♪

-♪ Story don't sound too nice ♪

-♪ Just can't sleep at night -♪ Ooh-ooh-hoo ♪

-♪ In your solid-gold room ♪

♪ Oh, oh, there's trouble in paradise ♪

-♪ Trouble in paradise ♪

-♪ To never turn out those lights ♪

-♪ Never turn out those lights ♪

-♪ You just can't close your eyes ♪

♪ In your solid-gold room ♪

♪ Whoa, you can't close your eyes ♪

♪ In your solid-gold room ♪

-Hello, Mom? No, nothing's wrong.

I just want to say hello.

Look, I'm at the marketplace right now,

and everybody wants my film.

They love it, yes.

Jana and I did the greatest scene yesterday.

Oh, you would have loved it. -There's Jana Bates.

-Really, we're getting closer and closer

to one another all the time.

I'm fine, Mom, just fine. Yes, I'm fine.

Look, Ma, I gotta go. Look, I'm doing an interview.

Yes, I have clean underwear.

I love you too, Ma.

-Merci.

-Come on, let me in. -No, no, no, monsieur.

-Come on. -Go on. No.

-I got some francs. You want some francs?

-No, monsieur. -Let me in there!

God damn it, let me in there!

What the hell are you looking at?!

-Hello.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

-Thank you. Thank you for coming.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jana Bates.

-Doesn't all the violence

in these horror pictures get to you?

We know it's all make-believe and illusion,

but sometimes, it all seems too real.

-Well, a lot of people seem to enjoy watching the news,

which is much more horrific than any film I've ever seen.

It's the real violence in life that's unbelievable.

-But, Ms. Bates, you're amazingly popular.

Don't you have any fears

that you might become the obsession of some fanatic?

And if so, have you taken any security precautions?

-Not really. I believe that people understand the difference

between real life and illusion,

that I'm just an actress playing a part in a movie.

-But don't you think that art sometimes finds its way

into being imitated in real life?

I mean, look at that Hinckley-Reagan incident

and the fellow that shot Lennon.

-Art is also an imitation of life.

No matter how you look at it,

there's a definite animalistic side to every human being.

I think this sick young man, Hinckley,

might have tried to shoot President Reagan

whether he'd seen the film "Taxi Driver" or not.

-Are you saying that movies have no effect on the violence

that we see in society?

-I don't think movies created it.

At best, they only reflect it.

-You're actually in Cannes, Ms. Bates,

to promote a horror film, aren't you?

-That's right. Yes, it's called "Scream."

-Well, that should sell a lot of popcorn.

-Okay, thank you very much for coming.

We appreciate it very much and we'll see you real soon.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

-Ms. Bates, can I have a picture, please?

Big smile. Yes. Nice.

Lovely. Lovely.

Oh, Jana. -You're terrific.

-Good. -Come on, take another one.

-You're terrific.

Oh, thank you. -Thank you.

-Thank you. -Thank you. Lovely.

-Thank you very much. -Thank you.

-Do you think they like me?

-Oh, they love you. You're a star.

-Why did they all leave?

-Eh...they went off to love another star.

-Please. Un dollar.

-♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪

-♪ Tell me, darling ♪

-♪ Will you ever be satisfied? ♪

-Forget it, creep.

-♪ I'm sorry ♪

-♪ Will you ever be satisfied? ♪

-♪ You look so pretty in your brand-new dress ♪

♪ My favorite style, honey, with your hair all a mess ♪

♪ How long has it been since I tasted your kiss? ♪

♪ I promised myself it would never come down to this ♪

-♪ You stole from me, broke my heart,

cheated, and lied ♪

♪ I really loved you, honey, God knows I tried ♪

-♪ Now you're coming back for what was left of my pride ♪

-♪ Will you ever be satisfied? ♪

-♪ Whoo, baby! ♪

-♪ Will you ever be satisfied? ♪

-♪ Whoo, yeah! ♪

♪ Come on in, baby, close the door ♪

♪ 'Cause just like the taxman, you always want more, more ♪

-♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪

-♪ You don't have nothing that I truly missed ♪

-No, no, no! -Please, somebody get this

guy out of here! -I love you, Jana!

-Can't you control your customers, god damn it?!

-I love you, Jana! Please! I love you, Jana!

-What's the matter with you? -Jana, please!

I love you, Jana! Please!

This is Nova Radio News.

Violence is the headline around the world.

In Madrid, two policemen are killed by a terrorist bomb,

and there are reports of plots against the life

of King Juan Carlos.

In New York, three bombs were discovered within 20 hours.

In Pan American World Airways Kennedy International Terminal,

one bomb exploded, killing a 20-year-old man.

In Rome, the accused assassin

of Pope John Paul II told Italian magistrates

that he had considered killing the Queen of England,

Secretary-General of the United Nations Kurt Waldheim,

and Simone Veil, president of the European Parliament,

before deciding to make the Pontiff of his target.

Now for the local news.

The disappearance of two prominent participants

in this year's Cannes Film Festival

has local authorities baffled.

Two Americans -- film producer Bret Bates

and flamboyant theatrical agent Martin Bernstein --

seemed to have vanished under mysterious circumstances

after allegedly receiving anonymous threatening messages.

And now we switch you to our show-business reporter

on the scene.

-And some of these for me.

Thank you.

Pardon. Pardon.

-Ahh!

Ahhhh!

-I love it!

-More!

-Oh!

Yes!

-Great stuff. Hell of a killer.

-Mais oui.

-Oh, excuse me. Hey, wait a minute.

Aren't you Stanley Kline, the director?

-Yeah. I'm -- I'm -- -Of "Caller in the Night"?

-Right, right. Why aren't you at my screening?

-I just did go to the screening!

I saw the screening! It was disgusting!

It made me sick! It made everybody sick!

-You're crazy, man. You're crazy.

-You shouldn't be allowed to make films like this, Stanley!

You'll get yours.

-And now the early morning news.

Local police of Cannes have asked for help from Paris

following the discovery of the mutilated body

of famous agent and entrepreneur Martin Bernstein,

who disappeared recently under mysterious circumstances.

Dental records sent from Los Angeles

enabled the police to identify the body.

The very real possibility that a mad killer

might be on the loose at the International Film Festival

has sent a wave of panic through Cannes,

and many guests are packing their bags

and planning early departures.

Festival officials are doing all they can

to increase security and have issued a call

to the public to avoid panic.

-Stanley, I've made plane reservations.

I'm going home.

-What are you talking about?

We've only been here for a couple of days.

-I know that.

-Look, I think we should just relax and take it easy here.

I mean, you just can't get on a plane and go back right away.

That's crazy.

-There's a maniac running loose in this town,

and I'm obviously on his list.

The note I got is exactly like the note Bret Bates got,

and he's missing.

They found the same note in Marty Bernstein's room.

-Okay.

Tomorrow morning, I'll take you to the airport

and get out of here.

But before you go,

I have a very special place I'd like to take you to.

-It's incredible. What is it?

-Don't ask any questions. You'll ruin my surprise.

Come on.

-Stanley, why are you pulling me?

-Come on, come on. It's just a bit further.

-You're hurting me.

-Stanley, you're really acting weird.

What are we doing here? This place is closed.

We shouldn't be here.

-What makes it so special.

We're all alone.

Look at that tower.

-Yeah? Is that my surprise?

-Just the beginning of it.

Let's go.

You're gonna love my surprise, Susan.

Come on, come on. Close your eyes.

It's your last night. Close your eyes.

That's it. -I don't want to close my eyes.

-Okay, here we go. Oops!

Watch yourself. Come on. Come on.

Sit down. There's a bench right here.

-Where? -There's a bench.

I want you to sit down.

Just stay right there. Keep your eyes closed.

-This is ridiculous. -That's it.

-I don't want to keep my eyes closed, Stanley.

What are you doing with that?

-Nothing. Boy, you sure are jumpy, you know?

I was just gonna put my initials

and your initials in this bench.

You know, like when you're a little kid.

Come on. Just don't look. Don't look.

Look out there. Look at that beautiful view.

-I don't want to. -Just stay there.

Now, the surprise is, if you want to get your surprise,

you're gonna have to find me.

-Stanley, I don't want to play this game.

Stanley!

Stanley, where are you? Let's get out of here.

Stanley.

This isn't funny anymore.

I'd like the car keys, please. -Hey, Susan.

-Damn you, Stanley!

Stanley?

Stop this, Stanley. Come on.

I know you're in here.

God damn you, Stanley!

I'll never forgive you for this.

Stanley?

-Come on, Susan, up the stairs.

-Stanley, I know you're there.

I'd like to go home now. Please, Stanley?

God, Stanley! Stanley, you're frightening me.

Please come out.

Ah! So this was the surprise after all.

You might have told me, Stanley.

You scared me half to death.

Well, where are you?

Oh, Stanley. Dramatic to the end.

-Bernstein, the sleazy agent, is played by Joel Lawrence,

another New York character actor who was friends with Spinell.

And that whole sequence was filmed in the dead of night

at the Suquet Tower, the 11th century castle tower

in the oldest neighborhood in Cannes.

And, of course, they did not have permission to film there,

much less stage an effects shot of a woman's body

plunging 75 feet from the top of the tower to the ground,

which is why they were probably there at 4:00 in the morning.

And, by the way, all the scenes that take place

entirely within the mind

of Vinny were conceived and staged by Joe Spinell,

including the one we just saw where he changes genders

and becomes the stripper onstage

right before he tries to rape the real stripper onstage.

It seems like some of the scenes in the movies

were directed by David Winters, the credited director,

and others were directed by Spinell,

but who knows who directed the scene

where Vinny runs out of the theater

and throws up in the alley,

and then he sees the director of the gross-out movie,

Stanley Kline, and he accosts him

and tells him he shouldn't be

allowed to make movies like that,

because Stanley Kline was played by David Winters, the director.

So both directors are in the same scene.

You know, Vinny's a pervert, but he's a moralistic pervert.

He doesn't think you should eat eyeballs.

So, back to the movie.

Have you ever met Caroline Munro?

-I have and I love her.

-You meet her at a convention? -Mm-hmm.

Monsterpalooza, I think. -Yeah?

I hosted a panel of Hammer actresses

many years back at the Monster-Mania Convention

in Cherry Hill, New Jersey,

and she was very happy to talk about this movie

and very complimentary toward everybody involved,

including her ex-husband.

-I am not surprised.

-Even though her ex-husband says this movie caused their divorce.

-She's known for being very classy.

So I don't think she's ever going to talk about

anyone like that. -True.

But she was the youngest Hammer actress on the panel.

Most of the others have passed away, unfortunately.

-It's sad. I'm sorry. -Very sad.

Veronica Carlson, Ingrid Pitt, Hazel Court.

They were all on that panel. Hazel Court was hysterical.

I asked the women of Hammer

if there were any casting-couch stories,

and one by one, they would say, "No,

the producers at Hammer

and the producers of the individual films

were always very respectful and protective,

and Hammer didn't have those Hollywood-type stories."

And Hazel Court went last and she said,

"What world do you girls live in?"

She said, "Of course they all tried to sleep with us."

-Oh, I love that. -Wow!

-You know they have a type of Wild Turkey

that's aged 17 years?

Are they crazy?

Do they think we're in Scotland or something?

That's punishing the mash.

That's punishing it.

We're starting off with the greatest movie ever made.

What do you think of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"?

-I like the remake more.

-What? You might just think you're watching

something actually made by a sociopathic killer.

-Oh, my God, yes.

-Felissa.

We have got a hairy dick.

-Hey, what's up, Joe Bob?

I'm here.

-I wanted to repeat some remarks about

why we do this in the first place,

why we have these appointment television events

on a streaming service.

And as the closing credits roll,

you feel a profound sense of loneliness,

because there's a sense, when the narrative ends,

somebody should have been there with you,

that the experience was intended to be communal,

you were supposed to be with other people,

and so the joy from the experience is bittersweet.

-♪ Come on, Mary Lou, it's "Prom Night 2" ♪

♪ All I wanna do is dance with you ♪

♪ I said, "You got nice breasts, but your face is a mess" ♪

♪ And now that girl is soul-possessed ♪

♪ Oh, flippy, dippy, dippy,

dippy, dippy, dippy, dippy, dippy ♪

♪ Bow ♪

-Honey, this is the talking verse in this song,

where I tell you that I love you my whole life long.

Darling, the prom was a magical day.

You're my girl, and it'll always be that way.

Before we say farewell on this magical night,

we'll go to the diner.

What is this?! You know...

-What is happening?

-And then, when it's time to say adieu,

I'm the luckiest man, because I got to dance with you.

-♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

- Oh! - Alright.

-Hello, Mom? -Vinny, I read about Jana

in all the newspapers.

Why don't they mention your name, Vinny?

-We're getting on great. Really. Lots of interviews.

Everyone wants to talk to us, Mom. They love us.

-What are you doing over there?

It's taking you so long.

- No, Mom. - I'm alright.

Please, Mama, won't you listen to me just this once?

Oh, hold on, Ma.

Okay, I'll be right there.

Look, Ma, I-I gotta go right now.

Yes, I swear, everything's okay.

Mom...

I'm going to be famous.

-Will you stop laughing at me?

Because I'm good. I got real talent.

-Vinny Durand?

I wouldn't hire him to shine my shoes.

-The man has no talent.

-The stupid asshole couldn't direct an army-training film.

-Vinny Durand, your work has no romance.

No soul, no style, and no grace.

No grace, Vinny!

-No grace.

-I hate you! I hate you!

I hate you!

I hate you! I hate you!

You'll see. You'll be proud of me.

-I love you, Vinny. -I love you, too.

-Take care of yourself. And don't forget to call.

-Bye, Mom.

-♪ Somethin' 'bout your lips got me sizzlin' hot ♪

♪ Somethin' 'bout the night got my heart on fire ♪

♪ Don't think I'm crazy, I'm just filled with desire ♪

♪ And I do get a little strange ♪

♪ When you leave me here stranded on the high wire ♪

-♪ High wire ♪

-♪ On the high wire ♪

-♪ High wire ♪

-♪ Sometimes, it's want, babe, but sometimes, it's need ♪

♪ Please reconsider if "no" is your answer ♪

♪ 'Cause I am your prince, and you're my lady dancer ♪

♪ And I might get a little weird ♪

♪ If you leave here, yes, on the high wire ♪

-♪ High wire ♪

-♪ On the high wire ♪

-♪ High wire ♪

-♪ Whoaaaa ♪

-♪ High wire ♪

Who is it?!

-Listen, hey...

Please don't be frightened. I won't hurt you.

But I just want to talk about the film.

Look, I've read where you like this kind of champagne.

-Who are you? Get out!

-I thought we'd just have a drink and talk about the film.

You'll be absolutely perfect in it.

You know, I've tried so hard to reach you,

but they never let me talk to you.

They never even realized what a great talent you have.

They misuse you.

But please believe me...

I'll make you happy.

-Please get out.

-No, no, no, you don't understand

how long I've been trying.

-I said, get out now!

Get out! Get out! Get out!

Ms. Bates, please. -Get out!

-You don't understand me!

It's always been that way for me.

I just want to tell you about the film.

I think that look would look great in the graveyard scene.

And I think that every side of your face is the best side.

I've seen thousands of photos

and your films hundreds of times.

But, of course, as your director, that's my job.

Could you move your head a little

to the right, Ms. Bates?

Perfect. Just perfect.

You take directions perfectly.

You're my star. -No, get out.

Who's there? What's going on?

-No! -Ms. Bates!

-Ms. Bates?

-Help me! Help!

Please, help!

Help me!

Help me!

No!

-Jana, please!

Jana!

Let me in! Let me in!

Jana! You don't understand!

-Help! Help!

Help me! He's after me! -Jana!

Doesn't anybody hear me?!

Oh!

-Jana!

-No!

-Ms. Bates! Please!

-Help me!

-Jana, I don't mean you any harm!

Please! Would you wait?!

-Help me!

Oh!

Ms. Bates!

-Look, another publicity stunt. -What a cute idea.

-Well, great, great.

-He's trying to kill me! Help me!

Get out!

No!

No!

Help! Somebody!

-He's trying to kill me!

He's after me!

-What is this? Part of your movie? -Help!

-Mr. Cunningham, we are waiting.

Where is Ms. Bates?

-Help! -Hey, Jana, baby, over here!

-Help! No!

Please!

Help me! Help! Please!

-Hot damn! That's Jana Bates.

-He's trying to kill me! -What the hell are you doing?

-He tried to kill me! -Who tried?

-God, it's her! -What a fabulous entrance.

-You're not making any sense. Jana.

-What's happening? -Let me get you out of here.

Come on.

Give me some room here, huh?

-Let me see what's going on.

-Jana, what's going on in there?!

-Okay, get us to the hotel. Quick!

-Is she leaving?! -She's driving away.

-♪ Some call it pleasure, some call it pain ♪

♪ Some say it's Satan, others say sin ♪

♪ But I can't wait much longer for you to give in ♪

♪ My patience is frayed and my time overstayed ♪

♪ On the high wire ♪

-♪ High wire ♪

♪ Oh, sometimes it's want, babe, sometimes need.

♪ Please reconsider if "no" is your answer ♪

♪ 'Cause I am your prince, you are my lady dancer ♪

♪ And I might get a little weird ♪

♪ If you leave me here hanging from the high wire ♪

-♪ High wire ♪

-Here. Just take these.

Hi. Jonathan?

Yeah, it's Alan.

No, I'm afraid I got a real serious problem.

No, we're okay.

It's just that I need a couple of security guys here right now.

Oh, great.

Well, I'll try to explain it all later.

Yeah. So long.

You okay?

-Yes.

-I guess I've been real stupid about this, haven't I?

Are you going to be able to talk to the police?

-I think so, yes.

-Tomorrow, we're going to go up to Jonathan's castle.

He says it's beautiful. It's got a great pool.

We can relax and then we'll come back on the awards night.

-♪ High wire ♪

-Good morning, Mr. Cunningham, Ms. Bates.

-Good morning. Thanks. -Thank you.

Okay, let's take off.

-We're right behind you. Don't drive too fast.

-What an amazing place. -Isn't it?

Come on, let's go find Jonathan.

-Hey, look who's here.

Yeah, it's Jana and Alan. Good to see you.

-Alright, girls. Hey! Alan, Jana.

How you doing, Jonathan? -Very well.

-How's the rock 'n' roll business?

-Very, very good, indeed.

-It's a good idea you came today,

because we're off to Nassau to do some recording.

We're shutting the whole place down.

But you're welcome to stay.

-Well, we've got to get back tomorrow night for the awards.

-Yes. Thanks for letting us stay, though. Thank you.

-Listen, what was it that went down in Cannes, anyway?

-I'm sorry.

-Uh, I gotta have a place for Jana to lie down.

-Of course. -Do you mind?

-Of course. No problem. Melissa, love.

Look, will you do me a favor? -Mm-hmm.

-Would you take them up right away and show them their room?

-Okay. -Thanks a lot, love.

Listen, I'll catch you later, okay?

-Okay. Thanks a lot, Jonathan. -Take care.

-First that thing with Bret.

Then that madman last night.

I suppose now you finally believe me.

But is it all worth it?

-Everything alright, Lou? -Yes, sir, Mr. Casey.

Everything's fine.

-Okay, well, look, why don't you go take a break,

get something to eat.

I'm going to take a walk, get some fresh air.

-Thank you, sir. -Catch you later.

-I'll be back in about half an hour.

-Okay.

-How do you know someone like Jonathan anyway?

I don't get a very good feeling about him.

-Why not? He's a nice-enough guy.

Made a fortune in the music business.

Now he wants to spend a fortune in the film business.

-I don't know. This place gives me the creeps.

-You get the creeps taking a piss.

This is perfect.

-Hey, what's that?

-I don't know. Let's check it out.

-Look! Over there!

Look out! He's got a gun!

-Keep the door locked and don't let anyone in.

-Hey, what the hell?!

-What are you shooting at?

-It was a prowler. He had a gun.

-Did you see what he looked like?

-No. Too dark.

-Let's get out of here.

-I don't understand. Why are we rushing away, Alan?

We never even said "goodbye" or "thank you" to Jonathan.

-Never mind that. All I want you to think about

is tonight's award ceremony.

-Oh, Alan, I don't know if I can.

-Ah, I've taken care of everything, darling.

Now, if you remember, there was a girl at the airport

who looked a great deal like you?

-Yes. -Well, I've arranged for her to act as your decoy tonight.

The police have made special security for you.

They're taking this Bret Bates business very seriously.

-And now the news.

Tight security surrounds tonight's

award ceremony in Cannes.

Two more guests to the festival have been discovered

brutally murdered.

The bodies of director Stanley Kline

and actress Susan Archer, both Americans,

were discovered this morning mutilated and hidden

among the garbage outside of a restaurant kitchen.

Authorities are now admitting the anonymous threats

received by all the victims before their disappearances

were not a publicity stunt at all,

but the warnings of a deranged killer.

Still missing is producer Bret Bates

who police believe may have been

the first victim of the murderer.

-Dust to dust...

and ashes to ashes.

It's a masterpiece.

"Dear Mom, tonight will be the culmination of my work,

the highest achievement of my genius.

Now all my dreams are about to become reality,

captured for eternity on film.

No matter what happens to me, Mama,

my film will be my immortality.

I found such a beautiful castle for the last scene in my film.

'The Loves of Dracula'

will be the greatest horror film ever made.

And Jana will be my bride.

Your loving son, Vinny."

-Over this way. -Cathy Lee Crosby.

-Hold it.

Let me get a shot, Mr. Kristofferson.

-Look this way, Ms. Crosby.

-Hold it there.

-Don't worry, Ms. Bates.

You need protection.

Someone's trying to hurt you.

-It's Jana Bates.

You're lovely. I love it.

Yes, yes!

-Jana!

-You're lovely. I love it.

It's beautiful. Yes, yes. It's wonderful!

Please, Jana! -Smile. That's it.

-Over this way, Jana.

Left, please, Jana.

-Oh. -Hi.

-Good. You made it. Everything okay?

-Everything's fine. -Let me just see here.

-Here. -That looks very good.

Okay, Jana, this is Michelle Wagner.

Michelle, Jana Bates. -I'm so pleased to meet you.

Isn't this exciting? -Thank you, but do be careful.

-Oh, I will.

-Now, didn't I tell you it would be okay?

-Yep.

-If you will just come with us, Ms. Bates.

-Okay. -Okay.

-Alright, young lady, are you ready for your big part?

-Yeah.

-Please wait backstage, Ms. Bates.

You will be safe here.

-Thank you.

-Mesdames et Messieurs, ladies and gentlemen,

would you so kindly give me your attention?

We will begin tonight's ceremonies.

The judges for tonight's awards

have been selected from distinguished producers,

directors, and writers in the film industry.

The selection of tonight's award winners has been most difficult.

Here are our winners.

This year's award for Outstanding Achievement

in Screenwriting goes to the team

of Klaus Warner and Helga Stommel of West Germany,

for their stirring depiction of suffering

in the modern technological environment,

"Iron Maiden."

-Thank you, thank you.

-Joanne, could you get me a glass of water, please?

-Sure. Be right back. -Thank you.

-And now the presentation of the award

for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Documentary Cinema.

This year's winners are the British filmmakers

Elizabeth and John Kelly

for their stunning vision of civil unrest

in Northern Ireland, "Do They Hear Our Tears?"

-And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the time has come to award the prize for Best Actress.

And I'd like to point out that,

for the first time in the entire history

of the Cannes Film Festival,

this prize is awarded to an actress playing

in a horror movie.

So it's my great pleasure now to call Ms. Jana Bates.

-This is some brave acting going on here.

First, Joe Spinell climbs up on top

of the Hotel Martinez and tiptoes across that neon sign

with a bottle of champagne in his hands.

His friends were telling him, "Don't do that.

One misstep, and you're dead."

It was a really dangerous place to work.

But he wanted that shot.

And then Caroline Munro runs down the hotel staircase,

clad only in a towel, runs through the lobby,

runs out onto the street, runs into another hotel.

And all of that was stolen footage using the background

of whoever happened to be on the street at that time,

explaining it in the story as people thinking,

"Oh, some kind of publicity stunt."

And it was functioning as a publicity stunt,

a publicity stunt for this movie,

but it was also creating that sequence in the film.

And then the reason Alan says, "We'll go to Jonathan's castle

until the awards ceremony" is that they had to flee Cannes

to finish the movie.

They were staying at the Carlton Hotel,

which is the famous old hotel where most of the

movers and shakers stay during the festival.

And one day, Judd Hamilton told a production assistant,

"We have to leave the Carlton.

We have to leave the Carlton right now.

We have to leave tonight.

We owe them 240,000 francs

and we're out of money, we can't pay."

And sure enough, they had gone through that $500,000,

and they had a $44,000 hotel bill.

And the whole company, cast, and crew

sneaked out of the hotel in the middle of the night,

went to the Nice airport, flew to Geneva,

drove 50 kilometers into the French Alps,

to the Chateau de Pelly,

which was a castle owned by the playboy and

financier Bernie Cornfeld.

Now, I'm not sure who knew Bernie Cornfeld

and why he wanted to help them out,

but Cornfeld was the guy

who had served prison time in Switzerland

when his mutual-fund empire collapsed,

and ever since then, he'd been known as this guy

who just throws lavish parties in Beverly Hills,

where he lived in the mansion

that was once owned by Groucho Marx.

Anyway, the final scenes of the movie

would be shot at this castle

that Cornfeld used for his European parties.

It was always full of models and starlets,

according to the people who were there during these events.

And the actor who plays Jonathan, owner of the castle,

is listed in the credits as Sean Casey.

Apparently a fake name,

since nobody has ever been able to find any actor

with that name, which has led to speculation

that the person playing Jonathan,

the millionaire music mogul, is Bernie Cornfeld himself.

We don't know.

At any rate, Judd Hamilton and David Winters

fell to fighting about who spent all the money in Cannes.

Hamilton started calling Winters "the little idiot,"

and the movie ended up costing $2 million instead of

the original budget raised from investors of $500,000.

Lawsuits over the money.

Hamilton seized the film and hid it from the insurance company,

and some observers said the lawsuits should have involved

the person who really spent the money, Joe Spinell,

but he was never named.

Fortunately for us,

they made the best use of the Chateau de Pelly,

founded in the 13th century, because that's where the climax

of "The Last Horror Film" occurs.

That's where it had to occur,

because they couldn't go back to the Hotel Carlton.

And what a climax it is. Back to the movie.

Roll it.

You know, it probably sounds silly

that they spent $500,000 in less than two weeks

on a guerilla-style shoot at a film festival.

-Oh, I see how it could happen.

-I mean, but they are shooting in one of the playgrounds

of the super-rich, so I guess you have to be able to say,

"Come to my suite" to people, you know.

-I feel like Joe Spinell wanted it that way.

-I think he probably said, "Come to my suite" very often.

Yes.

-Next, a dusk-to-dawn-to-dusk

marathon with Joe Bob Briggs.

It's "The Last Drive-In" on Shudder.

-And this is my farewell to movie hosting.

I wanted to go out on a binge,

because there are two things in life

you should always binge on -- horror flicks and Wild Turkey.

Now, I hope that we've kept the spirit of what we did

in the '80s and the 90s,

because when I was doing the first two shows,

we always tried to be the place

to hang out for the weirdos and the misfits

and the people who felt left out of mainstream culture.

And I didn't know how many of us

there were until a few years ago.

It goes something like this.

And I kept having these experiences

where somebody comes up to me and they say,

"Your show saved me."

And they didn't mean just like, you know, they liked the show.

They would tell these stories about, "You saved my life,"

because they had this horrible home life or, you know,

but they could lock the doors of their rooms

when our silly show came on, and it would make them feel,

you know, able to face the next week and have something

to look forward to.

And I can't take credit for that.

It's not what we were aiming for.

We were aiming for laughter, number one,

an appreciation of forgotten films, number two.

Feel free to join in, everybody.

Because sometimes when you're making the choice between

whether to go to the United Nations

and make a big speech about fighting for world peace

or just make a really, really good horror film,

you know, one you put your heart and soul into,

you're really doing more good when you make the horror film,

because everybody's going to forget what they're saying

at the UN, but nobody is ever going to forget the

bloody-crotch jump scare at the end of "Pieces."

You know what I mean?

Splatter city. 4 stars. Joe Bob says, "Check it out."

Always remember, the drive-in will never die.

-♪ And nobody sees the flowers bloom but me ♪

See, that's not what -- I -- You know, I messed it up.

See, that's not the way we do it.

Uh, this is what we always do. Leave the hat,

even though it's not good for the crease in the hat.

It flattens it out. It becomes a Tom Mix hat.

I don't like a Tom Mix hat.

I wear a Dwight Yoakam hat.

-There seems to be a problem locating Ms. Jana Bates.

Would Mr. Alan Cunningham

please come to the backstage immediately?

Mr. Alan Cunningham, backstage, please.

Ladies and gentlemen, please be seated, s'il vous plaît.

-Does it look like her lipstick? -It's the same color.

It's got to be hers. -We found the jacket with this note in it.

-Here.

-Can you understand it?

-"I found such a beautiful castle

for the last scene in my film.

'The Loves of Dracula' will be

the greatest horror film ever made.

And Jana will be my bride.

Your loving son, Vinny."

I hope you'll forgive me, Ms. Bates,

but someone is trying to kill you.

And the only way I could help you

was to get you away from him.

Vinny Duran?

-I'll kill you, you... I'll kill you!

-I'll kill you! -You'll never escape me.

-I'm not you. I'm Vinny Durand.

-You'll never escape me, Vinny.

-I'm not you. -I'm what you want to be.

-That's stupid Vinny.

He's nothing but a crazy fan.

I promise you, Ms. Bates, he won't bother you anymore.

I can't wait until you see the set of the last scene.

It's incredible.

I would have never really found it

if you hadn't gone up to the castle

after everyone left yesterday.

But I decorated it so beautifully for you.

Your coffin is set in red and black velvet.

It's very important, Ms. Bates,

that your death scene look absolutely real.

-Lights.

Camera.

Action.

Now, my beautiful bride,

in the presence of this human sacrifice and fire,

I, Dracula, the Prince of Darkness,

release you, eternally,

from your human bondage here on Earth.

Cut. Print. Take one.

You were terrific, Ms. Bates.

I wish you could have seen the special effects.

I couldn't have done this movie without you.

You were simply magnificent.

Sorry, Ms. Bates, about making you feel uncomfortable.

You know, maybe I can get you a glass of water.

You must be thirsty after the ordeal,

but it was really worth it.

-Now, isn't this a sweet little picture?

-Who's that? -Okay, Durand, back off.

-Bret Bates?

-You've done real well, but it's all over now.

I think it's time I paid you both off

for helping me get rid of all those insulting bastards.

What's the matter, Jana, dear? Surprised to see me?

Yeah, it's me, your loving ex-husband.

You should have known I'd never let you leave me.

I'd kill anyone who tried to get in my way.

-Bret, what are you doing?

-And now I'm going to finish what I started.

You're about to become this madman's last victim,

and he's about to become a suicide.

And no one will ever be the wiser.

Didn't you love my special effects?

I wish you could have seen it.

The look on your face when you saw me with a slit throat.

-Please stop.

-I'll never forget it. In fact, it's all on film.

Fantastic footage.

It would have been my final opus of horror.

And when this creep showed up with his obsession for you,

I had the perfect fall guy.

-You're not gonna hurt her.

-Can you believe it?

This guy really was trying to make a film with you.

-What the... -Run, Jana, run!

-No! -You're not going anywhere, baby.

No, no.

-Let me go. -No, no.

You shouldn't have run off like that, Vinny.

Now I've got Jana. You want her?

You're the great screen lover. Come and get her.

Show your ugly face so I can blow it off.

Come on, Vinny, let's get the final shot.

-Run, Jana, run! -No!

-Oh! -Jana!

-No!

-You really blew it, Vinny! -Vinny, you really blew it.

You really blew it, Vinny.

-Alan!

-Vinny, I'm really proud of you.

You finally made your movie. -Thanks, Ma.

This is the last horror movie I'll make.

Let me tell you about my next picture.

You got any baked macaroni? -Nope.

-Anyway, I had this idea. -Vinny!

I go into space. I'm out there all alone.

-Vinny! Vinny!

-Jana Bates and me, we're there in space.

Anyway, what about swashbuckling movies?

Any way I can think of. -Vinny!

-What is it, Ma? -You got a joint?

-♪ Mammy ♪

♪ My little mammy ♪

♪ I'd walk a million miles ♪

♪ For one of your smiles ♪

♪ My Mammy ♪

♪ Ooh, my little, my little Mammy ♪♪

-♪ Whoo, yeah! ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪

-♪ Tell me, darling ♪

-♪ Will you ever be satisfied? ♪

-♪ I'm sorry ♪

-♪ Will you ever be satisfied? ♪

-♪ You look so pretty in your brand-new dress ♪

♪ My favorite style, honey, with your hair all a mess ♪

♪ How long has it been since I tasted your kiss? ♪

♪ I promised myself it would never come down to this ♪

-♪ You stole from me, broke my heart,

cheated, and lied ♪

♪ I really loved you, honey, God knows I tried ♪

-♪ Now you're coming back for what was left of my pride ♪

-♪ Will you ever be satisfied? ♪

-♪ Whoo, baby! ♪

-♪ Will you ever be satisfied? ♪

-♪ Whoo, yeah! ♪

♪ Come on in, baby, close the door ♪

♪ 'Cause just like the taxman, you always want more, more ♪

-♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪

-♪ You don't have nothing that I truly missed ♪

♪ But you do have something that I just can't resist ♪

-♪ You stole from me, broke my heart,

cheated, and lied ♪

♪ I really loved you, honey, God knows I tried ♪

-♪ Now you want your cut of what was left of my pride ♪

-♪ Will you ever be satisfied? ♪

-♪ Ow, baby! ♪ Tell me ♪

-♪ Will you ever be satisfied? -♪ Ever be ♪

-♪ Ow, take it -♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪

-♪ Will you ever be satisfied? -♪ Ever be ♪

-♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪

-♪ Will you ever be satisfied? -♪ Ever be ♪

-♪ Ow, yeah! -♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪

-♪ Will you ever be satisfied? -♪ Ever be ♪

-♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪

-You know, as far as I know, Glenn Jacobson,

who played the killer, Bret Bates --

he's the only actor to lose his head twice in the same movie.

Remember when Vinny stands in line

to use the telephone in the hotel?

Joe Spinell gave his real phone number in that scene,

which nobody does ever in any movie

or any TV show in the whole history of entertainment.

And during the years that he had left,

he would talk to random fans of the movie who -- You know,

if he happened to answer the phone when they called.

He also kept the severed head from "Maniac"

on his kitchen table the rest of his life.

He was proud of -- Well, he was proud of this film,

as he should have been, but it didn't get much

of a release, due to all its legal problems.

David Winters, credited as the sole director,

would direct one more movie,

a skateboarding picture called "Thrashin'",

in 1986,

and then he would return to choreographing musicals.

Judd Hamilton and Caroline Munro

would be divorced within three years of making this movie,

and according to Hamilton, it was because of all

the money problems it caused.

Joe Spinell's mother died in 1987,

and everybody who knew Spinell watched him go into

a deep depression that he never emerged from.

He would speak to his mother constantly, out loud,

long after she had died, even when other people were present.

And Bill Lustig found it difficult

to get him to concentrate

on the next movie that they were making together.

So when no one heard from him for a full day in 1989,

all his friends knew something was seriously wrong,

because he never cut off contact with anybody.

So a friend had to scale the fire escape

and let himself into Spinell's New York apartment

through a window, and he found him slumped on the couch,

dead from a bad cut that had caused him to bleed out

either while he was in the shower or later

when he fell against a glass coffee table.

And the police briefly investigated the apartment

as a crime scene after they saw that head from "Maniac"

and all the blood.

But the exact cause of death was never determined.

He lives on through the Spinell tape, his acting reel,

which Robert Forster put together

as a tribute at his wake.

Also in attendance at his funeral were Jason Miller,

the Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright,

the actor Danny Aiello, and a couple dozen New York cabbies.

Everybody there kept saying the same thing --

"There will never be another Joe Spinell."

And that is something that's often said at funerals,

but in this case, it was true.

And that's our last movie for the regularly scheduled season,

and that was our last season.

As I said before, we'll be back later in the year

as guests of Shudder with four double-feature specials.

But I hope those of you

who have been with us from the beginning

have enjoyed the little clips of stuff

that we've done over the years.

And, Darcy, I haven't asked you what

your best memory of the show is.

-Oh, wow.

Honestly, I think it is July 13, 2018,

when everyone celebrated you coming back.

The very first night. The very first marathon.

-Yeah, that marathon was supposed to be

my last show as a host. -I know.

-And here we are doing another last show

as a host seven-plus years later.

40 years after doing my first hosted show

on The Movie Channel, back in 1985.

So I want to thank everybody who made this show possible,

Matt, who came up with the idea, Austin, who executed the idea,

Nick, the executive who sold the idea to the public,

Sam, the curator of Shudder,

who was constantly dealing with our annoying phone calls

asking for this or that film,

the various crews that have worked with us

in Dallas and New Jersey and Georgia,

the various actors and directors and producers and writers

who have agreed to come on this show.

It's not exactly a ticket to stardom to be here.

And especially you, Darcy.

You have sat in that chair for seven years

and offered advice on life

and doled out kindness to our viewers,

especially the ones dealing with big life events.

What was your least-favorite moment on "The Last Drive-In."

-Um...wow.

I feel like maybe grading the essays

on things in "Sledgehammer"

and then having to send out like

over 2,000 frickin' "Iron Man" certificates.

That was a bad plan. That was a bad plan.

-Oh. When we had VHS Night.

-Sure.

-Shot-on-Video Night or whatever we were calling it.

-Yes.

-We showed "Things" and "Sledgehammer."

Yes. -Yeah.

-Yes, there were many terrors associated with that show.

-They're still going. Good God.

-Did you get money for sending out those 2,000

Iron Man certificates and printing them up

and all that stuff?

-Surely you jest, sir. No, no.

It was pure love. -Alright.

The last three times that I have done this,

I have just laid my hat on the chair

and walked away.

My last night on The Movie Channel,

that's what I did.

My last night on TNT, that's what I did.

What I thought was my last night ever,

at the end of the 2018 marathon.

But this time, I don't think I'm going to do that.

Let's just shut it down quietly, Austin,

like we're leaving the trailer park here

for the next generation of movie hosts,

because the world needs movie hosts.

The world needs sanctuaries from chaos and meanness.

The world needs places

where people gather to talk about joyous topics,

like double decapitation and character actors

who love their mamas too much.

So I'm going to sign off now.

This is Joe Bob Briggs speaking for myself and

Darcy the Mail Girl,

reminding you that the last drive-in may die,

but the drive-in itself will never die.

-Stop talking like it's the end.

We still have many shows coming up this year.

-Okay. -Okay.

-I'll be better after some Wild Turkey shots.

You want one?

-You know I don't drink whiskey.

-Yes, I do. -Bleh!

Alright, fine. I'll take just one.

-Alright. Here you go.

-Alright. -You have been great.

-Thank you.

-You have taken all the fan abuse.

-Ha! My pleasure.

-I know what you've been through.

-Ew. Are you going to tell us a bad joke now?

It's tradition.

-First, you're gonna drink a shot.

-Am I? It's so gross. -Ahh!

-Mmm! That's good.

-You're telling me to tell a bad joke?

-Yeah. I mean, it's what you do.

-Guy named Sam was a college professor for 25 years

and finally got sick of the stress,

quit his job, and bought 50 acres of land in Minnesota

so he could be as far from humanity as possible.

He saw the postman once a week

and he got groceries once a month.

So, after six months or so of total isolation,

he was finishing dinner, and somebody knocked on his door.

And he opened it, and there was a 300-pound, 6'3"-tall

bearded man in a fur hat and overalls standing there.

And the guy says, "My name is Lars,

your neighbor from 4 miles away.

Having a party Saturday.

Thought you'd like to come."

Sam says, "Great. After six months out here,

I'm ready to meet some local folks, so thank you."

So, as Lars is leaving, he stops and he says,

"I got to warn you, there's going to be some drinking."

And Sam says, "Well, not a problem.

After 25 years of teaching college kids,

I can drink with the best of them."

So, Lars starts to leave again and he stops and he says,

"More than likely gonna be some fightin', too."

And Sam says, "Well, I get along with most people.

I'll be there. So thanks again."

One more time, Lars turns from the door and he says,

"I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

And Sam says, "Not a problem at all.

I've been all alone for six months.

I will definitely be there.

And by the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops at the door again and says, "Whatever you want.

Just gonna be the two of us."

-Aww!

Yay!

-I should just stop. -Keep going.

-Do another one.

-They want more. More punishment.

-I'm just going to travel the world until I run out of money.

So I'll be back about 3:00 tomorrow.

Oh.

-I saw a guy at Starbucks today.

No iPhone, no tablet, no laptop.

He just sat there drinking coffee.

Weirdo.

I went to the beekeeper to buy a dozen bees,

and he counted them out and he gave me 13.

And I said, "Sir, you gave me an extra."

And he said, "That's a free-bee."

-Aww! Look at all the laughs you're getting.

-Okay. -Good job.

-You guys really don't need to stay if you don't want to,

but I'm going to sit here for a while.

-Okay, we're out of here. -Aww.

-Come on, you guys.

-I hate when people call my phone.

I don't use it for that.

You ever wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you

and feel happy that you're alive?

I did that last week and will not be allowed on

Delta Airlines again.

Amish lady is driving her horse-drawn buggy to town

with her young son,

and she's stopped by a highway patrol officer.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer.

"I just wanted to warn you that the reflector

on the back of your buggy is broken,

and it could be dangerous."

Amish lady says, "I thank thee.

I shall have my husband repair it as soon as we return home."

"And also," said the officer,

"I noticed that one of the reins to your horse

is tied around your horse's testicles.

Some might consider this to be cruelty to animals,

so you'd best have your husband check that out, too."

Woman says again, "I thank thee.

I shall have my husband check this also when I return home."

So, true to her word, when the Amish lady got home,

she told her husband about the broken reflector,

and the husband said he would repair it immediately.

"And also," said the Amish lady,

"the policeman said there was something wrong

with our emergency brake."

Oh, man.

I went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole.

He said they all look that way,

I should have left him in the yard.

Cop pulled me over and said, "Papers."

I said "Scissors" and drove off.

Woke up this morning determined to drink less,

eat right, and exercise.

But that was four hours ago,

when I was younger and full of hope.

Man was walking one day when he came to this big house

in a nice neighborhood.

And, suddenly, he realized there was a naked couple

making love out on the lawn.

Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree

and then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

And he walked up to the door of the house

and he knocked,

and a well-dressed woman answered the door.

And the man asked, "What kind of a place is this?"

And the woman said, "This is a brothel."

And he said, "Well, what's all this out on the lawn?"

She says, "Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

You know what I hate?

When I leave stuff in my cart and I don't buy it,

and then the company e-mails me, "Forget something?"

Yeah, I forgot I don't have $900.

Got a hammer lodged in my esophagus,

and doctors can't remove it.

They say it's the worst case of Thor throat they've ever seen.

One of my co-workers said to me, "Can you be any more annoying?"

So the next day, I wore tap shoes to work.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.

It's almost time for bed, so I'll just check

my e-mail, Instagram, Facebook, TikTok,

and watch one full season of a show on Netflix real quick.

Tequila won't fix your life,

but it's worth a shot.

You know how to tell if your Viagra is working?

At work, they call you a spiritualist,

because when you sit down at a meeting, the table floats.

When you walk into a sauna, everybody calls you

"The Tripod."

You know your Viagra is working when you begin to think

your mother-in-law is pretty.

When you're sunbathing nude outside, while standing up,

birds perch on it.

Sunbathing nude outside, lying down,

you look like a sundial.

Compared to you, Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar.

You always lose limbo contests.

You can make drawings in the sand

without having to find a stick.

You like to sleep on your back,

so you have to remove the ceiling fan.

My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece

of his 5,000-piece puzzle.

If he thinks that's bad, I'm missing 4,999 pieces of mine.

What do you call your sexuality

when you're attracted to both men and women,

but neither are attracted to you?

Bi-yourself.

So, one day, this American was touring Spain,

and after the day sightseeing,

he stopped at a local restaurant,

and while sipping his wine, he noticed this sizzling,

scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was just wonderful.

So he asked the waiter, "What is that that you just served?"

And the waiter replied, "Ah, señor, you have excellent taste.

Those are bull testicles from the bullfight

this morning, a delicacy."

So, the American, momentarily taken aback,

but when he learned the origin of the dish,

he said, "Well, what the hell?

I'm on vacation. Bring me an order."

And the waiter said, "Well, I'm so sorry, señor.

There's only one serving a day,

since there's only one bullfight each morning.

If you come early tomorrow and place your order,

we'll be sure to serve you this delicacy."

So the next morning, the American returns,

he places his order, and he's served the

one and only special delicacy of the day.

And after a few bites and inspecting

the contents of his platter,

he calls the waiter over and he says,

"These are much, much smaller than the ones

I saw you serve yesterday."

And the waiter says, "Sí, señor. Sometimes, the bull wins."