All language subtitles for The Misadventures Of Merlin Jones 1964-subrip

They call him Merlin Jones

the scrambled egghead.

Merlin Jones

the campus kook

but my heart's whirlin'

I'm the girl in love
with Merlin Jones.

I heard weird noises
late one night

as I passed the science wing

I looked inside,
and there he was

workin' on the darndest thing

the thing got up
and buzzed and beeped

and walked right out the door.

And Merlin said

at last it works!

I wonder what it's for.

We call him Merlin Jones

the scrambled egghead.

Merlin Jones

the campus kook

but her heart's whirlin'

she's the girl
in love with Merlin Jones

although I know
his way out brain

is on cloud nine

his kisses make me want
to be his Mrs...

Frankenstein

call him crazy, call him mad

with oddball overtones

all I know is I got it bad

for Mr. Merlin Jones.

Lots of fellas in the school

have asked her out on dates

but this brainy way out wig

is the only one that rates

I can't help bein' proud of him

when he puts his brain in gear

although a voice inside me cries

get me out of here!

We call him Merlin Jones

the scrambled egghead.

Merlin Jones

the campus kook

but her heart's whirlin'

she's the girl in love
with Merlin Jones

although I know
his way out brain

is on cloud nine

his kisses make me
want to be his Mrs...

Frankenstein

call him crazy, call him mad

with oddball overtones

all I know is I got it bad

for Mr. Merlin Jones

Mr. Merlin Jones

love my Merlin Jones.

Hiya, Jen!

Hello, Norman.

Hey, what's the big rush?

I have a class.

Hey, listen, Jen.

The lettermen's ball
is next Saturday.

It'll be the swingingest
deal of the year...

sorry, Norman, I already
have a date next Saturday.

Merlin Jones?
Yes.

What's he got
that I haven't got?

I'm afraid I don't have
enough time to answer that.

Listen, Jennifer,
I can do things for you.

I mean, I'm a big man
on this campus.

I don't like to brag, but...
oh, of course not.

You take last week's
football game.

Who scored
the winning touchdown?

Who fumbled twice
and cost US two touchdowns?

Could've happened to anyone.

Well, who coached most
of the players in math?

You know,
if it weren't for Merlin,

midvale wouldn't have a team.

You'd all have flunked.

Hi, Jen.
Hi, Merlin.

Hey, the brain's
going out for football.

Not exactly.
You see this is...

what position
you gonna play, Jones?

Drawback?

Oh, lay off.

I can see Merlin now,

smashing his way
through a tough, heavy line.

A line of Latin, I mean!

And can't you hear
the crowd roar

when he tackles
a physics problem!

Listen, you
all-American lunkhead...

watch what you're saying, Jones!

Norman, don't you think
it's about time

you fed the animals in the lab?

Yeah, and don't forget

to clean the cages
while you're at it.

Don't pay any attention
to him, Merlin.

Musclehead.

You know, going after you

is the first sign of
intelligence he's ever shown.

Well, it won't do him any good.

Don't forget, you promised
to drive me into town.

I won't forget.

I'll pick you up right
after your class. Okay.

Merlin Jones!

You were supposed
to pick me up an hour ago,

and here you are
reading a newspaper!

But it's part
of an experiment, Jen.

Now look at this.

I've been working on it
for months.

It's kind of a super sensitive
electroencephalograph,

and it picks up the brain waves

put out by any kind
of mental activity.

That's fascinating,
but you were supposed to...

let's dance.

Merlin, be serious!

Even an activity like dancing

must have a distinctive
brain wave pattern.

Let me see.

Adjust the rheostat.
And the oscillator.

That's it.

Dancing brainwaves

look, look at the difference

between the reading
and the dancing brain waves.

Are you gonna drive me
into town or not?

Kiss me.
What?!

No, I mean it, kiss me.

Not here
in the science building!

What better place
for a scientific experiment?

Jenny, I want to see what kind

of a brain wave reaction I have

when you kiss me.

Besides, there's nobody around.

Well, if it's part
of a scientific experiment,

I suppose it's all right.

Mmm, wow!
Look at that!

Now that is what I call a kiss.

Interesting.

But can we go now?

Uh-uh.
It's your turn now.

Me?
Mm-hmm.

You put this on,
and now I kiss you.

You sure this comes under
the heading of science?

Absolutely, yeah.
All right.

What's wrong?

Well, there's plenty wrong.

Jenny, is that all
I mean to you?

I mean, the graph doesn't lie.

I know, but...

look, something's unplugged.

Oh, well, we gotta
try it again then.

UN-uh, now you're
driving me into town.

Well, okay, if you'll help me
load this stuff in the car.

In the car?
Mm-hmm.

I want to show you something.
Look here.

"Judge holmsby cracks down
on traffic violators.

"In a speech yesterday,

"judge holmsby deplored
the increase"

"in traffic violations"

"among the students
of midvale college."

The judge said, quote,

"that the only way
to handle the problem

was to mete out
the maximum penalties..."

I know, I heard it on the radio.

But what does that have to do

with putting
this stuff in the car?

Well, Jenny, don't you see?

I'll have this all hooked up
in the car while I'm driving.

Then I can find out what goes on

in the average driver's mind.

Merlin, that's ridiculous.

All scientific experiments
seem ridiculous at first.

But I don't mind
seeming ridiculous

if I can help find the cause
of this traffic problem.

I don't know, Merlin.

One more of your experiments
while driving,

and the judge is gonna
throw the book at you.

Oh, Jenny, don't worry.

The judge'll appreciate
what I'm doing.

Don't you see?
He needs my help.

Wow, Merlin, dig that crazy hat!

Where'd you get that crazy hat?

Do you hear that?

That's a new one.

Something really is
happening to my brain.

The vibrations are getting
bigger and bigger!

You're practically off the tape!

Let me see
your driver's license.

Merlin Jones.
Yes.

And you're a student
at the college. Mm-hmm.

And you don't have
the slightest idea

why I stopped you.

No, officer, we don't.

And you're a student too.

Yes, sir.

You college kids gotta learn

you can't fool around in traffic

and get away with it.

Oh, well, we weren't
fooling around...

no, these grow right out
the top of your head, eh?

Oh, no, sir.

It's part of
a scientific experiment.

You see, this is a modification

of the ordinary basic
electroencephalograph,

only much more sensitive.

Now, my brain puts out waves

which are picked up
on these electrodes...

okay, okay, college boy.

Double talk won't do you
any good at all.

You just sign here.

You mean you won't even
let him explain?

Sign the ticket.

Don't do it, Merlin.

Refuse to sign

until you've had
a chance to explain.

Okay.

Merlin can explain.
So can you, young lady.

In front of judge holmsby.

Judge holmsby?

Oh, no.

Oh!

And I've been recording
the patterns

made by electrical energy
given off by the brain

during various periods
of mental activity.

Now the Alpha waves,

or the brain waves that appear

on the ordinary
electroencephalograph,

appear only
when the mind is at rest.

But are blocked out completely

when a person concentrates.

Now I've been able
to pick these Alpha waves

even during periods of
concentrated mental activity.

Such as driving in traffic.

Now look, judge.

Here's where he saw the officer.

Yes, that's very interesting,
very interesting.

I...

young man, would you mind
removing that... Headgear?

Oh, yes, your honor.

Your interest in science
is commendable,

but you are to conduct
your experiments

in the laboratory and not
while driving a car.

Driving requires
your entire concentration.

But that's just the point, sir.

You see, I have
to concentrate completely

when I drive,

otherwise I don't get
the reading I want.

I'm afraid I'm not getting
through to you, young man.

You are not to conduct
your experiments

while driving in traffic.

Is that clear?

But, judge, that's interference

with the freedom
of scientific inquiry.

A month ago,
you were arrested for...

"Illegal use of a siren
on a motor vehicle."

Uh, well, sir, actually,
that wasn't a siren.

You see, a siren
produces its tone

by interrupting a current of air

with a set of rotating
perforated discs.

Now I managed to get
exactly the same tone

but by an entirely new
scientific principle.

So technically
that wasn't a siren.

Did it sound like a siren?

Yes, sir, exactly.

Then in the eyes
and the ears of the law,

it was a siren.

And before that,
you were stopped

for creating a traffic hazard.

Green exhaust.

Oh, yes, sir.

I was experimenting with
some new forms of hydrocarbon.

I do not care to learn

how you arrived
at green exhaust.

It's enough
that the green clouds

rising from your car

attracted and distracted

motorists and pedestrians alike,

creating a traffic hazard
and a public nuisance.

I think you're being
very unjust, your honor.

In what way?

Well, in the first place,
it wasn't really green.

It was more of a chartreuse.

And secondly, it was
much more attractive

than the dirty old black stuff.

And thirdly...

that'll do, that'll do,
young lady.

In order to impress upon you

the serious responsibility

attached to the deadly weapon
called the automobile,

I'm going to suspend
your license for a while.

But, judge...

you will return to this court
ten days from this date.

Next case.

Now really, your honor,

I think that was unfair,
uncalled for,

and probably unconstitutional.

Professor, is that you?

Have you seen my briefcase?

I think I must've left it
here this afternoon.

Your briefcase.
Uh, wait a minute.

The last place
I remember it was...

Turn the switch off!

Go on, turn it off!

I can't move!

Ohh.

Are you all right?

Yes, sir.
I think so.

No burns or anything?

No.

Well, you better be
more careful next time.

I've had some
screwy students in my time,

but this kid's got 'em all beat.

I'm not screwy, sir.
I'm just inquisitive.

But I didn't say it.
I thought it.

But I heard it.

There, you did it again!

Did what?

You heard something
I didn't say.

How could I do that?

I don't know.

But you did.

I did?

How could that have happened?

Wait a minute.

That shock I got must've
charged my brain in some way

so that I was able to pick up

the electrical energy
sent out by your thoughts.

And... professor,
if you'd like,

we can set up some experiments.

No, I'm afraid I can't.

I have to leave town tonight,

and I have, um,
something to take care of

before I go.

Ah, there it is.

Wait a minute, sir.

Whatever it is, I'll be glad
to help you with it.

And then we'll have time...

no, I don't think so.

It's something
I have to do myself.

Yes, sir.

I'd rather spend my last evening

with Marie cartier
than with Merlin Jones.

I don't blame you.
She's very pretty.

Who is?

Miss cartier.

I take her class
in intermediate French.

Well, i...

listen, Merlin, whatever
this thing is that you have,

you'd better be careful
how you go around

butting into
other people's thoughts.

I'm sorry.

People have a right
to the privacy

of their own minds.

Well, sure they do.
I just...

you go poking
into people's thoughts

with your electrified brain,
you'll get in trouble.

I'll be careful about that
in the future, sir.

And another thing.

I wouldn't tell anyone
about this... Phenomenon.

Not even Jennifer?

Especially not Jennifer.

Do you have any books

on mind reading
or thought hearing?

Fiction is on the second floor.

Oh, no, I don't want fiction.

I want scientific,
factual material

on the electrification
of a person's brain

so that it becomes sensitized

to pick up other people's
thoughts.

The poor boy's
been studying too hard.

Oh, no, I'm lucky.

I don't have to study very hard.

It comes easy to me.

What did you say?

Nothing.

What I meant was...

Do you mind if I just sort
of look around by myself?

Merlin Jones.
The perfect pigeon!

I can squeeze ten bucks
out of him

with a sob story anyone else
would laugh at.

Henry, could you
loan me ten bucks?

Eh.

Sorry.

Jennifer's lucky.

I wish I had someone like Merlin

to help me with math.

Hmm!
And he's certainly cute.

Yes, he is cute.

In a weird sort of way.

Man, I dig this swinging quiet.

Hey...

A crazy place for grinding out
a real cool poem.

Clam in your wet sand pad

too hip for mankind's
bread love.

When...

The diggers who don't dig

are bugged by
the chowder troubles.

The chowder troubles.

The chowder troubles.

"Zachary Taylor.

"The 11th man to be president
of the United States

"in his inaugural address

on march 5, 1849, said..."

I'd give anything
for a hot fudge sundae.

All hail Macbeth.

All hail Macbeth.

Macbeth.

MacDonald.

Ted MacDonald!

That's it.

I can borrow ten
from him, and...

no, I still owe him 20.

As soon as my mustache
grows in, I'll look older.

Then they'll start taking me
seriously around here.

Something should be
sprouting any day now.

I haven't shaved for six weeks.

"Individuals

"whose integrity and character

will furnish ample
portions of cherry pie."

No!

Chowder troubles.

The chowder troubles.

The chowder troubles.

"A" plus "b" cubed
equals the square of...

uh, square.

The blue chiffon is too square
for the fraternity ball.

Harry Gilbert... no.

I need something spectacular
like the black velvet.

And by the time
I grew the beard,

I'd be out of college.

Nobody's seen the green satin.

Because I hate it.

Quiet!

Shh!

What is it, Merlin?

Jenny, I've gotta
get out of here.

It's too noisy.
Noisy?

I've gotta be
at the campus cafe.

I've gotta go to work.

I'll drive you as soon
as I get my book.

What does a dish like Jennifer

see in a meatball like Merlin?

Merlin Jones, the campus creep.

Pure 100% creep.

You know, speaking of creeps.

Who said anything about creeps?

Oh, I did just now.

You are a creep.

Say that again.

You are a creep.

Why, you...

Come on, Jen,
let's get out of here.

I'll be late for work.

Rowdiness will not be
tolerated in this library.

You will pick up
every one of those books

and return it
to its proper place.

There's the great legal mind
who suspended my license.

Boy, I'd love for him to order
a nice hot bowl of soup.

"Oops! I'm sorry,
your honor!

Gee, I'm sorry."

Don't take it so hard, Merlin.

It's only for ten days.

Besides, I'll drive you
any place you want to go.

Aw, thanks, Jenny.

Science-hating old goat.

Poor Merlin.

I really am worried about him.

Why are you worried about me?

How'd you know
what I was thinking?

Because...

Because you just look
worried, that's why.

Well, I am.

I don't like you waiting
on the judge's table.

Why not?

Because you're so angry at him.

I'm afraid you're gonna do
something foolish

like spilling soup all over him.

Oh!

And when you go back
to court, Merlin,

he'll throw the book at you.

Oh, don't worry.

I won't spill anything on him.

Although it's a beautiful idea.

Coffee, sir?

A tiger by the tail.

That's what I've got.
A tiger by the tail.

The trouble is,
each crime I commit

has to be bigger
than the one before.

Coffee, sir?

Yes, coffee, thank you.

The bank swindle
and the forgeries

seem mild now.

The payroll robbery was
the highpoint of my career.

I never thought
I'd have to top it.

I said I wanted coffee, please.

Yes, sir.

Jenny, come here.

Did you ever hear of
a payroll robber around here?

Yes, the acme...
shh!

The acme payroll robbery.

The papers were full of it.

Who did it?
Nobody knows.

What's this all about?
Shh!

I've always been able
to use my knowledge of law

to make my crimes successful,

and I don't like to resort
to violence.

But if murder is the only way

to safeguard
the stolen diamonds,

then murder it will be.

I'm sorry, judge.

Don't be too upset, son.
Accidents do happen.

Haven't you appeared
before me in court?

Yes, sir.

Oh, yes, now I remember.

I believe I suspended
your driver's license.

Well, I hope this was
an accident,

because an attitude
of resentment against the law

could only lead
to further trouble.

Right, captain.

And the same man

who engineered
the acme payroll robbery

is involved in other crimes too.

And he's right here in midvale.

Right under our noses.

Mm-hmm.

Look, was there a big
diamond robbery here lately?

Maybe he means
that diamond merchant

that was slugged
about six months ago.

Did you ever find out
who did it, huh?

No, but the insurance company
put more men on it

than we have on the whole force,

and they never
found a lead either.

Did you ever get
the diamonds back?

No.

Well, this same man
is responsible

for this crime too.

Okay, where do we find
this one-man crime wave?

In the courthouse.

Who is it?

Judge holmsby.

That's not very funny.

No, I'm telling you the truth.

Judge holmsby is responsible

for the acme payroll robbery,

the theft of the diamonds,
and for other crimes

you don't have
all the facts on yet.

I don't suppose you have
any evidence

to support this wild charge.

I overheard him mentioning
his crimes.

That's not good enough.

All the same, I wouldn't mind

having something
on that old goat.

You investigate him

and you'll have plenty
on that old goat.

Huh?

He's giving the police
a hard time now.

What'll he do if he finds out
we're investigating him?

Investigate the other guy.

We'll investigate him

and see what turns up.

What other man?

The one you heard him
talking to.

Here's the file
you asked for, captain.

Oh, thank you.

But there is no other man.

You said you overheard him
talking about his crimes.

Who was he talking to?

Well, he wasn't talking
to anybody.

He was just sort of...
Thinking.

Out loud?

No, to himself.

It says here that judge holmsby

suspended your license
for ten days.

Yeah.

And that you're supposed
to appear

in his court again next week.

Yeah, but what does
that have to do...

well, you sure picked
the wrong way

to win friends
and influence judges.

You not only could've
gotten yourself

in big trouble,

you could've had US
all in a mess.

Oh, wait a minute.

You don't think
I'm just making this up

to try and get even
with the judge.

I'm telling you the truth.

Get out of here

before I book you.

You guys got the wrong idea!

Out!

Hi, Jen.

Are you still worrying
about your license?

Nope, I've gone on
to bigger things.

Bigger worries?
Mm-hmm.

Stolen diamonds.

Maybe even a murder.

Oh, Merlin.

Jenny, I'm on the track
of a big criminal,

but no one'll believe me.

How did you get on this track?

That's a secret
I can't tell anyone.

Not even me?

Especially not you, Jenny.

Well, if that's the way

you feel about me,
Merlin Jones...

oh, sit down, will ya?

I'm not supposed to tell anyone,

but I have to, or I'll explode.

You promise to keep my secret?

I promise.

I can hear people's thoughts.

Merlin, no one can hear
another person's thoughts.

And it's a good thing too.

Wouldn't it be terrible
if a girl's own thoughts

weren't private?

I had an accident in the lab
the other night,

and in some peculiar way
my brain was electrified

and I can hear
people's thoughts.

I don't believe you.
You're just teasing.

Test me!

Oh, Merlin.

No, I'm serious.
Go ahead, test me.

Think of something.

All right.

Take my hand.

Think of something else.

Kiss my hand.

I believe you now.
It's fantastic!

Is that you got on the track
of the criminal?

That's exactly how.

Well, who is it?

Judge holmsby.

Judge holmsby?!

Shh!

That is ridiculous.

I overheard him thinking

about crimes
he's been involved in,

and a murder he's planning.

Murder?!
Merlin, are you sure?

I'm positive, Jenny.
I'm absolutely positive.

Well, then in case
there's just one thing to do.

What?

You've got to turn your
information over to the police.

Oh, I've already done that.
They don't believe me.

They're so scared of the judge

they're afraid to investigate.

What are you going to do?

I'll conduct my own
investigation.

Good afternoon, your honor.

Oh, hello.

What was that?

Did you hear
what he was thinking?

The piece of paper
was a reminder.

"Don't forget to call plumber
to fix leak."

Come on!

Where to?
Judge holmsby's house.

But the judge is here.

That's just the idea.
Let's go!

Hey, you take these, huh?

You're supposed to be
the helper.

Unh!

Merlin!
Shh!

Plumber, ma'am.

Judge holmsby said
there's a leak to be fixed.

What's that?
That's my assistant.

Come along.

In my day, plumbers
looked like plumbers,

but you two.

I guess I shouldn't complain.

It's a miracle
the judge remembered

to call any plumber.

But if it were one of
his roses that were ailing,

you can sure he'd have it
attended to in a minute.

Now look, this faucet's
been drip-dripping

like a Chinese torture
for two months,

with the judge saying
every night,

"tomorrow I'll call
the plumber."

Your worries are over, ma'am.
We'll get right to it.

Good, that drip-dripping's
been a nuisance.

Search the desk.

Merlin.
What?

What am I searching for?

Evidence.

Money that could be traced
to the payroll robbery,

diamonds, things like that.

Oh.

What are you doing?

I'm fixing the leak.

What are you doing that for?

Well, this constant
drip-drip-dripping

can be a nuisance.

We've been here over an hour

and haven't accomplished
anything yet.

Well, I fixed the leak.

But we haven't found
any money or diamonds.

And even if there's a wall safe

hidden behind
one of these books,

it's not likely to be open.

Well, it might be.

Merlin, I'm scared.

We've been here too long
and it's dangerous.

Wait a minute,
I just found something.

Look at these.

The payroll robbery
by Lex fortas.

The bank swindle by Lex fortas.

The forger...

Jenny, do you know
what this means?

Sure, it means he like
Lex fortas mystery novels.

I like them too.

No, no, no, the difference
is you read 'em

just for amusement.

He keeps 'em in a place
of honor in his library.

This where he gets
his ideas for his crimes.

It is?

From now on I'm relentless.

I won't leave a private thought

in judge holmsby's head.

Come on.

I have to figure out a way
of hiding the diamonds.

I have to...

oh, more water, sir.

No, no, no, no!

That's the fourth time
you've filled that glass

and I haven't drunk any yet.

Just trying to be helpful, sir.

Well, go help someone else.
Spread it around a little.

Yes, sir.

I know.

I'll use Gloria Monday for this.

Yes, of course, Gloria Monday.

Uh, let me get you some more
fresh bread, sir.

No, no, no!
I never eat bread.

Now will you...
Run along.

A real lead.

Look through the telephone book

and see if you can find
a woman named Gloria Monday.

How do you spell it?

Well, try every way
you can think of,

but find out where she lives.

She's his accomplice.
Okay.

How about some dessert, sir?

No, thank you.
I never eat dessert.

Oh, we have
something special today.

Homemade peach pie.
No.

Yes, sir.

Wait a minute.
Peach pits!

What, sir?

I didn't say anything.

Bring me a plate of peach pits.

Yes, sir.

No, Gloria.

See if you have a listing
for a Gloria Monday,

with the last name spelled
m-o-n-d-a-y.

That's right.

Here you are, sir.

Thank you.

It's perfect.

I'll spilt them in half,

scoop out the insides,

and place a diamond in each one.

Then I'll glue
the halves together,

dig a shallow hole
under the Rose bush.

I'll try it this afternoon
as soon as I get home,

and see what I have to do

to cover up the traces
of digging.

What do you want?

Uh, nothing, sir.

I thought you might like
your peach pits a la mode.

No, of course not.

Would you please...

yes, sir.

Well, then try m-a-u-n-d-y.

Forget about that.

The case is busted wide open.

Now the police will believe me!

What are you wasting my time

with this troublemaking kid for?

Tell the captain
the stuff you told me.

Captain, I've been conducting
my own investigation.

I got into his house
by posing as a plumber.

And first of all,
I found books on crime.

Yeah, that isn't exactly
what I had in mind.

Tell the captain how you
found out about the judge.

I heard his thoughts.

What is this, April 1st?

You see, I wanted
to tell you before,

but I couldn't.

But I was experimenting
in the lab with a new form

of electroencephalography,

and this accidental charge...

oh, never mind all that
scientific stuff.

Just show the captain
how it works.

Fine.

Captain, think of something.

I think this kid's
lost his marbles.

Mm-mm.
I haven't lost my marbles.

Everything
I'm telling you is true.

He did it.

He did it!

Does kohner still have

that bank job suspect
in the polygraph room?

The lie detector.
That's a great idea.

Yeah, come on.

We think this fella's
one of the men

that held up the midvale bank

and killed a guard.

We don't have
any real evidence, though,

and we don't know
who is partner is.

That's right, kid.
Maybe you can help.

Sure.

Were you in midvale yesterday?

Yes.

Were you in the midvale bank?

Nope.

Did you hold up the bank?

Nope.

This whole roomful of cops

couldn't track down
a tired jaywalker.

Did someone help you
hold up the bank?

I already told you.
I didn't do it.

Just answer yes or no, please.

Okay.

Did someone help you
hold up the bank?

Nope.

They can't make that rap stick

if they put glue on it.

I got 'em up a tree.

You're getting something?
What?

He thinks he's got you
up a tree.

He's right.

Did you use a .38 caliber
Smith & Wesson?

Nope.

Come on, coppers, give up.

You can't pin nothing on me.

I want to catch up
with my buddy in west haven

and start living it up.

I'm afraid he's too tough
a nut for US to crack.

Wait a minute.
Huh?

Ask him if his partner
is in west haven.

Oh.

Just a moment, kohner.

Is your accomplice
in west haven?

That was just a lucky guess.

Answer the question.

Is your accomplice
in west haven?

How could I have an accomplice?

I already told you
I didn't do it.

They don't know nothing
about lipton.

The rod is safe
at the bottom of the river.

Do you know anyone
in west haven?

No.

Well, now let me
put it another way.

Hmm?

Oh!

All right, kohner, we won't
need the polygraph anymore.

His partner just confessed.

That's the oldest trick
in the book.

The west haven police
just picked up

a man named lipton.

Lipton said you were the one
who shot that bank guard

and that you threw the gun
into the river.

He's lying!

Lipton's a dirty rat.

He's a fink!

The whole caper was his idea.

The rod was his too.

And he's the one
that drilled the guard.

He ain't gonna pin
that on me, 'cause i...

wait a minute, take it easy.

Just relax.

Sit down,
make yourself comfortable,

and dictate
your confession slowly.

We won't need that thing
anymore, kohner.

We have something better.

I never saw anything like that
in 30 years of police work.

Yeah, we've could've worked
on him forever

without getting anywhere.

You sure did the trick.

Oh, thanks, captain.

And now back
to the holmsby case.

Oh, that.

Give me the rest of the file
on the bank job.

The diamonds are hidden

under a rosebush
in judge holmsby's backyard.

How do you know?

I heard him plan it.

All we have to do
is get a shovel

and dig 'em up.

It's not that simple.

Okay, if you don't have
a shovel, I'll get you one.

The judge has
hundreds of rosebushes.

Fine, we just dig
until we find the right one.

Hold it, now you can't
go digging up

the judge's backyard
without a warrant.

Okay, we gotta get a warrant.
Who do we see to get one?

Judge holmsby.

Now listen, kid,

this business of hearing
the judge's thoughts,

how are you going
to go before a court

with something like that?

I demonstrated it to you.

Yeah, that's right, you did.
And it was a good truck.

Very clever.

Trick?
That wasn't a trick.

That was
a scientific phenomenon!

All right, it was
a scientific phenomenon.

But we'd still look silly
trying to prove it in court.

The captain's right.

Yeah, look, you did help US out

back there
in the polygraph room,

but let's just settle for that

and forget about the judge
and his roses, huh?

Wait a minute, I'm telling you

where the stolen diamonds are.

Are you so scared of a judge

you're afraid to dig a little
hole in his backyard?

Yes.

The press would really have

a field day with that one.

Messing around
with the judge's roses

is dangerous.

He loves them better
than his life.

All right, I'll give
the press a field day.

Take the whole story
to the papers.

And I'll expose the judge
as criminal,

and the famous midvale
police department as chicken!

Listen, kid
you'd better behave yourself,

or the first thing you know,
we'll pull you in.

Me?!

You don't have anything on me!

That plumber bit
you told US about.

That's illegal entry.

That's worth maybe five years.

There's hundreds of them.

Which one are
the diamonds buried under?

Well, we'll just
have to dig 'em all up

until we find the right one.

Go on, dig.

Once I got the idea
for concealing the diamonds,

the book practically
wrote itself.

I finished it in no time at all.

Thank goodness it's over with

and you're through being
Lex fortas for a while.

You know, you get
as crotchety as an old bear

when you're having
trouble with a book.

No more, Mrs. Gossett.

From now on
I'm genial judge holmsby.

Kindly in manner,
gentle in spirit,

and a man whose feelings
stay unruffled

in the face of disaster.

Thank you.

Oh, what lovely roses.
Smell!

Never mind that now.
We're looking for diamonds.

And be quiet.

Why do you have
to mail it tonight?

The post office
is closed anyway.

I know, but I'm anxious
to get it out of the house.

Well, I don't mind getting you

out of the house for a while.

Give me a chance
to straighten up in here.

Judge, judge!

Yes, this is judge holmsby's
housekeeper,

and there are prowlers
in our garden.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I've got 'em.
I've got 'em!

Look!

Merlin, that's wonderful!

If you have weapons, drop them!

Raise your hands
above your head.

Give yourselves up
peacefully and...

Merlin Jones.

What's going on out here?

Prowlers, judge.
We've got them surrounded.

They're not prowlers.
They're the nice plumbers.

Oh, no!

Look what've they done
to my Rose garden.

Gloria Monday!

Oh, you're mistaken judge.
My name is Jennifer.

Gloria Monday.

Gloria Monday is a Rose?

Arrest him, officer.
Here are the stolen diamonds.

Those are the diamonds?

I would've sworn
they were peach pits.

Of course they're peach pits.

The diamonds are hidden inside.

Oh?

Where did you find them?

Under this rosebush.
Oh?

Right where the judge hid 'em.

Well, judge.

In some strange way
I don't understand,

this young man seems
to have found me out.

Well, I guess there's
nothing for me to do

except make a confession.

Do you realize
what you're saying, judge?

Suppose we all go inside

and do this
in a civilized manner.

Hmph!

What I have to say

will no doubt be something
of a shock to all of you.

Maybe not as much
as a shock as you think.

Maybe not.

It's been my experience
that an alert police force

is seldom fooled for long.

Thank you.

For years now
I have been leading

a double life.

In the daytime, I'm a judge,

dedicated to upholding the law.

And at night, I've led
a life steeped in crime.

I have to warn you,

judge holmsby,
that anything you say

may be used in evidence
against you.

Yes, I suppose it will.

You may continue.
Thank you.

But before I go into details,

I would like you to ask

that you treat me with leniency

and consideration.

I'm sorry, judge,

but I won't agree to any deals

until I've heard
your full confession.

Of course.

They really enjoy
having me over a barrel.

Why not, judge?

You enjoy having
other people over a barrel.

That's right, I heard
what you were thinking.

You heard my thoughts?

That's how we got on
to you, judge.

This young fella got himself
electrified in some way

so he can tune in
onto what you're thinking.

As a forward-looking
police force,

naturally we take advantage

of the latest
scientific developments.

Naturally.

Well, you don't
have to read minds

to learn about my crimes.

You can find out
by reading books.

My books.

As Lex fortas, I write
novels about crime.

I do not commit crimes.

Except in the opinion
of certain literary critics.

The words
this young man overheard

related to my latest novel.

I mailed the manuscript
to my publisher tonight.

Lex fortas!

Well, I'm glad to meet you, Lex.

I-I mean, Mr. Fortas,
your honor.

Judge, I've read
every one of your books.

I can hardly wait
for the next one to come out.

Thank you, young lady.

Well, captain, I've tried to be

the best judge I know how.

Maybe I've been a little rough
on the police department,

and I'm prepared to be
a little more reasonable

in the future if...

if what?

If the police will agree
to keep the fact

that I'm Lex fortas a secret.

It's a deal.
Right, Hutchins?

Right!

I promise too, your honor.

Thank you.

And as for you, young man,

I believe we're destined

to meet again...
In court.

Yes, sir.

Tomorrow morning.

Merlin Jones!

A license to drive
an automobile is not a right,

it's a privilege.

It may be... at times
it must be withdrawn

if that privilege is abused.

This court has found

that you're guilty
of abusing that privilege.

You said you were the victim
of circumstantial evidence.

Well, recently
this court has seen

how deceptive circumstantial
evidence can be.

Hmm.

Therefore I'm giving you
the benefit of the doubt

and restoring your license.

Thank you, your honor.

Come here, young man.

Remember this.

A man's home is his castle.

But a man's mind
is even more private,

more precious.

No one has the right

to violate the privacy
of another person's mind.

Or to put it plainly,

don't got butting
into other people's thoughts.

I'll remember that, sir.

Never again.

I had a feeling
that he'd return your license.

I knew things would be
different today.

I feel kind of different.

I haven't heard
any thoughts today.

Maybe the charge is gone.

Well, let's find out.

Okay, what am I thinking?

Well... hmm.

Wrong.

That's not what I was thinking.

I know.

But that's what I was thinking.

Now, of course,
it is only recently

that science has begun to give
the subject of hypnotism

any serious attention,

and there are many questions
still to be answered.

Hypnotism has been
successfully used

as anesthesia in many cases.

It has been used
to alter personality

and to plumb the depths
of the unconscious.

And through hypnotism,
it is claimed

a being may be helped to realize

his full potential.

I shall conclude my lecture

with a small demonstration
of hypnosis.

I always thought hypnosis
was hocus pocus stuff.

We wouldn't getting
a lecture on it

if it were hocus pocus.

Merlin Jones.

Would you come up here, please?

Yes, sir.

Sit down, please.

And make yourself comfortable.

First I want to assure you

that this experiment will be
absolutely harmless to you,

and in fact will be
rather pleasant.

Yes, sir.

Look at me, please.

Look into my eyes.

Concentrate on my voice.

My eyes and my voice.

Your entire body
will begin to feel

pleasantly heavy.

Pleasantly heavy.

And you will fall
into a deep pleasant sleep.

A deep pleasant sleep.

Your eyes are very heavy now.

It's very difficult
to keep them open.

You can't keep them open.

And you fall
into a deep, pleasant

hypnotic sleep.

Now, when I count to three,

you will open your eyes.

You will hear nothing
but my voice,

and only when I speak
directly to you.

Is that clear?

Yes, sir.

Very well.

One...

Two...

Three.

You will hear nothing
but my voice.

Well, it seems
to have awakened most of you,

but as you can see,

he didn't hear it at all.

This is a potato.

It is scrubbed clean,
ready to be cooked.

But we'll use it raw.

Do you like apples?

Yes, sir, very much.

Good.

I'm going to give you
this apple.

I want you to eat it
and see if you can guess

what variety it is.

A delicious, a Jonathan,

a pippin,
a winesap, or whatever.

Mmm!
Delicious.

You think
it's a delicious apple.

Now why do you think that?

Oh, no, sir, I don't think
it's a delicious apple.

I mean, the apple is delicious.

I see.

But what kind of apple is it?

I have to take another bite.

Help yourself.

This is the best apple
I have ever tasted.

But I still can't figure out
what kind it is.

Would you like to eat
the rest of it?

Very much, sir.

I love apples.

Go ahead.

We'll try another experiment.

Miss Harris, would you
come up here, please?

Would you taste that, please?

Why, it's water.

Right!

Plain h20.

Thank you, miss Harris.

Merlin, I'm going to give you

this glass of whiskey.

90 proof whiskey.
Taste it.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I don't drink.

He resists a command
that's contrary

to his own basic code.

Some authorities believe
that by persistent effort

the individual's moral code
may be broken down.

Well, we don't have time
to test that theory,

but as you will see,
it is possible

to get around the subject's
basic scruples.

Merlin, I know
you're not a drinker,

but this is an experiment.

We want to test
the effect of whiskey

on a non-drinker like yourself.

So you needn't hesitate.

Just go ahead and drink it.

In the interests of science.

Take another swallow.

I want you to finish
that whole glass of whiskey.

Chemical analysis would show

no alcohol in his blood,

but his physical
performance would have

all the characteristics
of intoxication.

And now I'm going to show you

that alcohol does not
sharpen your wits,

but quite the contrary.

Merlin, would you mind
going to the blackboard

and writing your name.

No.

I wouldn't mind.

Not one little bit.

What is my name, anyway?

Merlin Jones.

Jones.

I did it.
I did it!

That's fine, Merlin.
Thank you.

Now just come on back
over here to your seat.

See?

Now, I want you to listen
very carefully

to what I have to say.

What you drank was only water.

You are now perfectly sober.

How do you feel now?

I feel fine.

Good.

I'm going to send you
back to your seat.

When you sit down,

you will come out
of the hypnotic trance.

You will feel relaxed
and refreshed.

Do you understand?

Yes, sir, I understand.

Stand up.

And return to your seat.

Merlin.

On your way to your seat,
I want you to kiss

the first pretty girl you see.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.
Class dismissed.

Hey, hey, what's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.

But if you find
brassy blondes so attractive,

why waste your time with me?

Brassy blondes?
What are you talking about?

You just kissed Carol,

that brassy blonde
in the next row.

I did?

Yes, you did.

Now wait a minute, Jennifer.
It wasn't my fault.

I was under the influence
of hypnosis.

Well, it was
the way you kissed her.

What way?

You grabbed her like this,
and you bent her back,

and then...

go on.
This is very interesting.

Not to me.

What command was I given?

You were told to kiss
the first pretty girl you saw,

and you walked right to Carol.

It doesn't mean anything.
It does!

It means that your taste
runs to obvious blondes.

No, it doesn't.

It means I was told to kiss
the first pretty girl I saw,

not the prettiest.

You can skip
the flattery, Merlin.

You're not the type.

That's what's so interesting
about all this.

What is?

Well, look, now I'm not the type

to kiss a girl in public,

least of all someone
I don't even know,

but I did.

And what a kiss.

Maybe hypnotism
can alter personalities.

Maybe it can help people

to realize their full potential.

Merlin, I don't want you
to realize your full potential.

Oh, now, Jenny,
I'm talking about...

Jenny, wait a minute,
look, I'm talking...

to induce hypnosis,

present your suspect
with circumstances

conducive to rest
and relaxation.

There must be no distractions

to interfere with
the subject's concentration...

On the voice of the hypnotist.

Hypnosis is induced
by suggesting sleep,

by suggesting
slow, deep breathing.

Now relaxation
of the entire body

is induced...

By suggesting...

That the limbs are
feeling heavy.

And the eyes begin
to feel tired.

So heavy and so tired

that it becomes impossible
to keep them open.

Go home!

It's all right.
You can come down now.

He's gone.
Nothing to be afraid of.

Why do you have to be
such a scaredy cat, huh?

Why don't you stand up
to that dog just once?

What are you, a cat or a mouse?

Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait.

I'll tell you what you are.

You're about to be

my first experiment
in helpful hypnosis.

All right then.

Look into my eyes.

You're feeling very heavy

and very sleepy.

And the feeling
of heaviness, sleepiness

is going through
your entire body.

And your eyes are getting heavy.

You can hardly keep them open.

And now they're closing.

You can't keep them open.

Now they're closed.

Cat...

You are now
in a hypnotic trance.

Now when I count three,

you will open your eyes

and listen very carefully
to every word I say.

One...

Two...

Three.

You are a member
of a noble family.

A cousin of the leopard
and the tiger.

And a cousin to the king
of beasts himself,

the mighty lion.

And there will be
no more running away

from your enemies
like a frightened mouse.

But you will turn

and you will face
your enemies like a tiger.

You will roar like a lion!

Hey, wait a minute!

Don't overdo it now!

I'll be doggone!

It worked.

It worked!

That's fantastic.

If you can change a cat's
whole personality

like that with hypnosis,

just think what you could do
for people.

That's it.

Jenny, I'm convinced
that hypnotism

could be of tremendous
help to people.

Now my next step is
to experiment

with a higher animal.

How about me?
You?

You did so much
for the cat's personality.

Maybe you could help me.

Jenny, your personality
is perfect right now.

That's sweet of you,

but it's not my personality
I want help with.

It's math.
Math?

Oh, don't worry about that.
I'll coach you in math.

No, the higher animal
I want to use

for experiments is Stanley.

Stanley who? You know,
Stanley in the psych lab.

Oh, the chimp.

Uh-uh.
I'll see you later.

Merlin, do you think
Norman will let you?

Oh, yeah, Norman.
He better.

Well, he doesn't seem
to like you very much.

It's because I defend
Stanley's rights.

You oughta see the way...

Merlin, please, don't get
into a fight with Norman.

Don't worry.
I won't.

It's not worth it.

Stanley, I don't like
the way Norman treats you.

You have rights too,

and he acts as though
you're a prisoner.

Never gives you any
affection, understanding.

Aw, Stanley, I know
how he treats you.

He yells at you,
he picks on you...

ah-ha!

I've told you before
not to feed that monkey.

First of all, Norman,

Stanley isn't a monkey.
He's a chimpanzee.

I don't care if he's king Kong.

I don't want you giving him
any bananas.

Why not?
I have my reasons.

But he loves them.

You stop spoiling that monkey.

I don't want to have
to warn you again.

That's why I don't want
anyone feeding him bananas.

Okay, okay, no bananas.

If I catch you at this
once more, Jones,

I'll see that you're not
allowed to use this lab again.

It's all right, Stanley.

If I can't bring you bananas,

I'll bring you
something else you like.

Now listen, Stanley, I want
you to pay close attention.

I want to help you,
and I think maybe I can.

And by helping you,
I'll be helping all humanity.

Yeah, I know what
you're thinking.

You're not so sure you want
to help humanity anymore.

But, Stanley, you can't
judge all humans

by Norman, right?

Right.

All right, now listen.

Look into my eyes, Stanley.

Your entire body

is growing very, very relaxed

and sleepy.

Very sleepy.

Your eyes are getting heavy now.

Very heavy, Stanley.

And you can hardly
keep them open.

Your eyes are
closing now, Stanley,

and you are falling into a deep

hypnotic trance.

When I count three,

you will open your eyes

and listen with
absolute concentration

to every word I say.

One...

Two...

Three.

All right, Stanley, now listen.

Your people have made
great contributions

to the world of science,

yet you have accepted
certain limitations

on your abilities,

which I intend to remove.

Now it can't
all be done at once,

but the first step
is to liberate you

from Norman's tyranny.

Go over to Norman's desk.

Go on.

Stanley, sit up like a man.

That's it.

You're just as good
as Norman is.

Better.

You have your rights too,
Stanley,

but you have to stand up
for them,

so don't let Norman
push you around anymore.

You have to exert the power
of your personality

so that you...

Get out of my chair!

No, stay there.

I warned you
about that monkey, Jones.

He's not a monkey.
He's a chimpanzee.

And I wasn't
feeding him bananas.

You go right back in that cage.

You see, you've spoiled
that monkey.

Chimp!

Now I'm going to unspoil him.

Let's not resort to violence.

Now, can't we talk this over
man to man to chimp?

Oh, Stanley.

Oh, you all right, Norman?

Come on.

There.

Back in the cage.

It's me, Norman, not Stanley.

Oh, you're in trouble, Jones.

You attacked me
with a deadly weapon.

Me?

Why, Norman, I resent that.

That simply isn't true.

Stanley, get back in the cage.

Stanley, get back in that cage.

Stanley, get back in that...

Don't!
Stanley, now get...

behave yourself!
Get in that cage!

Hey, what's going on down there?

Merlin, why did you do it?

Mr. Jones has appeared
before this court before.

But I still can't understand

why he'd attack you
so viciously.

Because I wouldn't let him
spoil the monkey, your honor.

I object!

This is an informal
hearing, Mr. Jones.

You'll get a chance to answer
the charges against you.

Meanwhile, I don't see
there's any point

in bringing
procedural objections

to the accusations.

I'm not objecting
to the accusations, your honor.

I'm objecting to this chimpanzee

being called a monkey.

Monkeys are long-tailed primates

and members of the families

cebidae, callithricidae
and cercopithecidae.

Chimpanzees are the highest

of the anthropoid
or man-like apes,

and furthermore
chimpanzees have no tails...

you've made your point,
Mr. Jones.

It's a chimpanzee, not a monkey.

Thank you, sir.

That's the trouble, judge.

He thinks that ape
is something special.

He keeps spoiling him,

treating him like he's a man.

And you mistreat him.
Now just a minute...

Is that why you attacked
this young man?

No, sir, I didn't attack him.

You mean you didn't hit him
on the head with his object?

No, sir, I did not.

Do you think he hit himself
on the head with it?

Well, sir, the bottle
fell on him.

It was shaken loose
from the shelf

when Norman fell against it.

And you didn't strike him,
or push him,

or otherwise cause him
to fall against it?

No, sir.

Well, who did?

All right, young man,
answer my question.

Well, now I can
compel you to answer,

so why don't you save US
all a lot of trouble

and tell me right now.

Can't you see
he's protecting someone?

Do you mean...

do you mean you did it?

No, not me.
The chimp.

At first, I thought
it was Merlin too,

but then I realized
he just couldn't have done it.

He's not that kind of a person.

Judge, your honor, it's true.

The chimp struck the blow.

But I'm the one responsible.

He was acting
under my influence.

You mean you trained this animal

to strike this young man?

Well, I told him
to stand up for his rights,

and I guess he got carried away.

You told him?

Yes, sir, i...
I hypnotized him.

Merlin's made a study
of hypnotism,

and he's just wonderful.

He hypnotized a cat

and changed
his whole personality.

Is that true?

Yes, sir.

Then he wanted to work

with a higher animal
like the chimp in the lab,

but Norman's always been
very nasty to Merlin,

and that's how all
the trouble started.

Uh, you wanted to hypnotize
the chimpanzee?

Yes, your honor.

I didn't think there was
much you could do

with an ape's personality.

Oh, I was interested
in his brain.

Did you know that the chimp

has the same brain ridges
you have?

How would you like to be
cited for contempt of court?

Oh, I didn't mean
that personally, sir.

I just meant that the chimp

has the same
brain ridges as man.

Oh, I see.

You see, it's
a question of monopolies.

Now there are laws against
monopolies, aren't there?

When they interfere
with competition.

Well, that's it.

Man has a monopoly on thinking.

Now, your honor,

if we could develop
a race of super chimps

that could give man

competition
in the brain department

that would result

in everybody being better off.

So that's why you wanted
to hypnotize the chimp.

Yes, sir, to help him realize

his full intellectual
possibilities.

Talk about crackpot ideas!

Most ideas are crackpot
until they're perfected.

I can't stand smart animals.

So your objective

was to hypnotize the chimpanzee.

Yes, your honor.

And you're in charge
of the chimp.

Yes, sir.

Well, it doesn't appear to me

that Mr. Jones's responsibility
for your injuries

included any intent to harm you.

So consequently, I don't feel

there's any cause
for action against you.

Thank you, your honor.

However, Mr. Jones,

from now on you are to keep
away from that chimpanzee.

Is that clear?

Yes, sir.
That's all.

Mr. Jones.

Mr. Jones, I would like
to speak to you in private.

Could you drop by my home
for a minute tonight?

Sure, your honor.

Don't keep me waiting all night.

The judge said
it would only be a minute.

May I get you some coffee?

Oh, no thank you, sir.
No?

Merlin, I want to talk to you

about your experiments
in hypnosis.

Yes, sir? Have you
done much of it?

Well, not very much, sir.

You see, I only do it
when I feel

I can help the one
I'm hypnotizing.

Now I really did help that cat,

and I knew I could
help the chimpanzee too...

then maybe you can help me.

You, sir?

Yes.

Well, hypnotizing a human

is a big responsibility, sir.

Look, all I want is
some information

about hypnotism.

I think it might be
helpful to me in my new book.

Oh, well, I'll give you
whatever information I can,

but there are men
in the psychology department

who know a lot more
about the subject than I do.

No, no, you're one
of the few at midvale

that know that I write
these crime novels.

If word got out
that I was Lex fortas,

I'd have no privacy left.

Besides, I wouldn't
be able to ask

the kid of questions I need to

without people becoming curious.

I'll help you if I
can, sir. Good.

Our little session
in court today

gave me an idea for a plot

about a highly respected
member of a community

who commits crimes

while under
the influence of hypnosis.

Well, judge, you...
now wait a minute.

That man who commits the crimes

is not responsible, of course.

Doesn't even know
of his own guilt.

In fact, he is just as indignant

over these unsolved crimes

as the rest of the community.

The interesting angle is...

judge...

now wait a minute,
just a second, let me finish.

The interesting part is

this man joins in the hunt

thinking... not knowing,

that he's searching for himself.

How do you like it?

I'm calling it the evil eye.

Well, sir,
it's very interesting.

I knew you'd appreciate it.

Now I want the entire thing

to be absolutely realistic.

Then I'm afraid
it's no good, sir.

What do you mean it's no good?

What makes you
a literary critic?

Well, sir, I'm not...

then what right have you
to throw out

the plot of my new novel?

I only meant that it wasn't
completely realistic, sir.

Why not?

Because most authorities agree

an honest man
can't be hypnotized

into committing a crime.

But if he's under orders
of the hypnotist...

a person under hypnosis
will no do anything

to violate his own
moral code, sir.

Oh.

I'm sorry, judge.
I only wanted to help.

Shh!

You said most authorities agree.

That means there are those
who do believe

that an honest man
could be hypnotized

into committing crimes.

Well, I think there may be some.

If you like, sir,
I'll research it for you

and sort of give you
a consensus of opinions.

No, no, no, no.

I've got a better idea.
We'll test it ourselves.

How?

You hypnotize me

and try to get me
to commit a crime.

Pick a small crime,
a little white crime.

Oh, no, sir, I couldn't...

nothing felonious, of course.

A misdemeanor will do.

All right, shall we begin?

I'm ready.

Well, uh, I'll try.

Put your head back, sir.

Now look into my eyes.

You're feeling very relaxed.

You will feel your body
growing very heavy

and very sleepy.

A feeling of heaviness
and sleepiness

is washing over
your entire body.

Now your eyes
are feeling sleepy.

Very heavy.

You can hardly keep them open.

You can't keep them open

no matter how hard you try.

Now try.

You are now
in a hypnotic trance, sir.

When I count three,

you will open your eyes
and listen very carefully

to what I say.

One...

Two...

Three.

Extend your right arm.

Your right arm is now
as rigid as a steel bar.

I did it.
I did it!

That's wonderful.

Judge, you're a better
subject than the chimpanzee.

That's beautiful.

Now for a crime.

A crime.

Let's see, a nice, perfect
little white crime.

I've got it, I've got it.

Judge, now listen to me.

At exactly 9:00 tonight,

you will leave this house

with a large white canvas bag.

You will walk to the campus
of midvale college,

and you will enter
the psychology department,

and there you will steal
Stanley the chimpanzee.

Then you will bring him
back here,

put him to sleep,

and you'll go to sleep yourself.

Now when you wake up
in the morning tomorrow,

you will feel your usual self,

relaxed and refreshed,

and have no memory

of what took place this night.

Do you understand
what you're supposed to do?

Yes.

Fine, great.

Good night, judge.
Good night.

Oh, you can lower
your arm now, sir.

What took you so long?

I hypnotized the judge.

What for?

To get him to steal
the chimp from the psych lab.

Oh, Merlin, you didn't.

I did!

I told him to leave
the house at 9:00

with a big bag, go the psych lab

and steal the chimp.

Now how can you laugh about it?

A thing like that is sure
to end up with you in trouble.

There's nothing to worry about.

First of all,
he asked me to do it.

He asked you?
Sure.

To see if a man
can be hypnotized

into doing something contrary
to his own moral code.

Most authorities say he can't,

so I'm just proving it to him.

Well, suppose most
authorities are wrong?

You know, they were
when they said

the world was flat,
or when they said

the sun moved around the earth.

Well, they're not
wrong this time.

It's 9:00
and not a sign of him.

Look!

Duck.

You see, those authorities
were wrong.

The judge is going
to steal the chimp.

Well, not necessarily.

What else would he be doing
with that laundry bag?

Well, he could be going
to pick up his laundry.

At this hour of the night?

And why is he sneaking
around like that?

Maybe we had better follow him.

He's turning the corner.

He's heading straight
for the campus.

He does look like he's trying
to obey the hypnotic command.

Trying?

He's succeeding.

Well, at the last minute

his basic honesty
will assert itself.

He won't go through with it.

He just sneaked
into the psych building.

If his basic honesty
intends to assert itself,

it better hurry.

He got him.

How'd he get past US?

There's no other exit.

What are we gonna do?

Judge!

Judge, you have
to return him, sir,

or there'll be trouble.

Return who? You know
who i'm talking about, sir.

The chimpanzee?
Chimpanzee?

I don't know anything
about any chimpanzee.

All right, judge, hand him...

Merlin!

Merlin, are you all right?

I'm okay, I guess.

He's like a desperate criminal.

It's interesting
how strong the drive is

to obey the hypnotic command.

It's very interesting.

It's also dangerous.

We'll let him play out
the rest of his command.

He'll take the chimp home
and go to bed,

then I'll sneak back in
and get Stanley.

And return him to his cage.

Mm! Come on.

Shh!

Come on, Stanley, get in.

You wait here.
I'll be right back.

Don't get involved
in an experiment

and forget I'm waiting for you.

I'll just put Stanley
back in his cage,

and I'll come right out.

I knew it, I knew it!

He couldn't leave that
monkey alone. Chimp.

As soon as the watchman told me
Stanley had been stolen,

I knew who did it.

I was just putting him back.

You shouldn't have
taken him in the first place.

The judge warned you
to stay away from him.

The judge'll understand.

He'll throw the book at you.
Arrest him.

Oh, wait a minute, gentlemen.

This is just an unfortunate
little mix-up.

Now you'll both be
where you belong.

Behind bars.

Hey, Jones, you got a visitor.

Oh, Merlin!
Jenny!

Merlin.

You look so terrible
with your prison pallor.

Oh, don't be silly, Jen.
I've only been here overnight.

I feel so guilty.

What about?

For being so angry all the time

you left me waiting
in the car last night.

I thought you had
gotten involved

in another one
of your stupid experiments,

but... I didn't know
you had fallen

into the clutches of the law.

Don't worry about that.

We have something better
to worry about.

What?

The judge isn't gonna remember

that he was the one
who took Stanley last night.

Why not?

Post-hypnotic amnesia.

I didn't remember the things
I did under hypnosis.

How awful.

You may be sentenced
to years and years

for something
you didn't even do.

The best years of your life
spent in a cell,

growing old and gray,

and going stir crazy.

Jenny, please don't be
melodramatic.

Oh, Merlin, I promise
I'll wait for you.

Till the end of time.

Sweetie, will you listen?
I have an idea.

No, Merlin, no, don't
make a break for it.

Escaped convicts
are always caught,

and then they'll
throw you in solitary,

and I'll never be
able to visit you.

Will you please cut it out?

Now the problem is
to make the judge remember

that he was the one
that stole the chimp.

Well, why can't we
just tell him?

He wouldn't believe me.

Now we somehow gotta get
past his conscious

into his unconscious,

where the memory
of last night lies.

Well, what'll you do?

By hypnotizing him again.

Hypnotizing him?
Right in the courtroom?

I gotta try.

Now there's an old
oriental method

of hypnosis by gestures.

Now it's usually done
with musical accompaniment,

but I'll just have to do
the best I can.

Are you sure it'll work?

No, I'm not sure it'll work.

But you can help.

You may proceed.

At a little
after 9:30,

I received a telephone call
from the night watchmen,

who reported that a thief

had broken into
the psychology laboratory

and had taken some animals.

When I investigated,

I found that only one
of the animals was missing.

And when I saw which one it was,

I knew immediately
who the thief was.

I called the police,

and they arrived
in a few minutes.

And while we were there
in the lab,

the thief turned up
and was caught red-handed.

Excuse me.

You may stop what
you're doing, Mr. Jones.

You can't plead insanity
in a case like this.

You may continue, sir.

Who was the thief
you apprehended

at the scene of the crime?

It was Merlin Jones.

Would you care to ask
the witness any questions?

No, your honor.

You may be excused.

Thank you, your honor.

Mr. Jones, will you step
closer to the bench.

Is it true you stole
that chimpanzee

when you were warned
to keep away from it?

No, your honor.

Is it true as that
young man testified

that you were found
with the animal

in your possession?

Yes, your honor.

His assumption is
that you stole the chimpanzee

for some experiments,

and while returning it,
you were apprehended.

Can you offer
any other explanation?

No, your honor.

Is there anyone you would
like called

to testify on your behalf?

Well, the one I'd like
to have called is Stanley.

Do you know where he is?

Right in this court.

Well, is Stanley

his first name or his last name?

Both.

Bailiff, will you call
Stanley Stanley.

Calling Stanley Stanley
to the stand.

Stanley Stanley!

Will you raise
your right hand, please?

Do you solemnly swear
that the statement...

are you out of your mind?

We do not swear in animals.

Yes, sir.

And as for you, young man,

I want it distinctly understood

that I will not tolerate
any monkey business

in this courtroom.

He's a chimpanzee.

This is a court of law.

You will behave seriously
and with dignity.

Your honor, I was serious

about wanting Stanley
to testify for me,

although, of course, I didn't
expect him to be sworn in.

I wanted to use him, if I may,

to demonstrate
the true relationship

between him
and this last witness.

Well, if you can do it

in a respectful
and dignified manner,

you may proceed.

Thank you, your honor.
Come here, Stanley.

All right, Norman, pick him up.

Go on.

I think, your honor,
that I've shown conclusively

that that man has
mistreated this animal.

I think you have too.

You should be ashamed
of yourself.

For having earned
the fear of this animal,

I intend to use
what influence I have

with the administration
of midvale college

to see that you're
removed of responsibility

for this animal
or for any other animal.

All right, Mr. Stanley?

However, that has nothing to do

with the matter before US.

I find you guilty as charged

and sentence you to 60 days.

However, the sentence
is suspended.

But for the duration
of the 60 days,

you will report to me
once a week.

Next case.
That's not fair!

Merlin didn't steal the chimp.
You did, your honor!

That will be enough, young lady!

It was only
an experiment in hypnosis,

and Merlin was trying to help
by returning the chimp.

Jones, your first reporting date

is right now.

Come into my chambers.

Bring the young lady too.

Come in, come in.
Sit down, please.

Thank you.

Merlin, you tell me the truth.

Did I really steal it?

Well, sir, yes, you did.

It's true, your honor.
I saw it, too.

But what about the theory
that honest men

can't be hypnotized
into committing crimes?

Well, there are
two possibilities.

Either the theory's been
proven incorrect,

or... or...

Or what?

Or you're not an honest man.

Young lady, are you
trying to tell me...

now, she didn't mean
to call you a thief, sir.

Oh, what did she mean?

Well, she just meant
th-that possibly,

uh, deep down inside you,

you know, very, very deep...

what you're trying
to say is that I have

larceny in my heart.

I wouldn't put it
quite that way, sir.

Whichever you put it,
it may be true.

It may be that
the chief difference

between me and some of
the people I've sentenced

is that I've been
luckier than they.

I haven't been pressured
about need or temptation.

The point of my new book
is going to be

that we have all have
enough potential evil in US

to be a little more
compassionate.

A little more careful
about passing judgment

on our fellow man.

Or our fellow chimp.

Well, I'm on the board
of regents at the college,

and I think I'll be able
to get you permission

to work with him.

Oh, I'd appreciate that, sir.

And do you really believe
that a chimpanzee

is capable of thinking?

Oh, sure.
Well, you take Stanley.

"Corpus delicti."
That's Latin.

I think it means
the body of a murder victim.

Actually, Stanley,
it means more than that.

It's the substantial fact

that a crime has been committed.

I find that using
my legal background

in my novels
makes them more believable.

Excuse me, judge.

There's a committee
from the bar association

waiting to see you.

Well, they'll have to wait.

I'm very busy now.

Okay.

Where were we, Stanley?
Uh...

we call him Merlin Jones

the scrambled egghead.

Merlin Jones

the campus kook

but her heart's whirlin'

she's the girl in love...

hey, how are you?
Look out!