Original subtitles

Cecily, my dear. Looking lovely, as usual.

Hey, wait a minute. You're dead.

You've been dead for 30 years.

32, Hiram, baby.

Hiram, baby?

Well, you look lovely, just the same.

Hiram, let me clue you in.

You have a terrible problem.

Good heavens, my dear girl, what problem could I possibly have?

I'm very wealthy, I'm very healthy...

And very dead!

I beg your pardon?

No need to. You're dead, just like me.

You know...

I don't like this one tiny little bit.

No one does, Hiram, baby.

That's why I'm here, to help you get up there.

Is there a chance for me?

What do I have to do?

Why don't you just get out of your nice little coffin...

and I'll give you the scam?

You have 24 hours in which to mastermind one good deed...

if you want to spend eternity with me.

A good deed? Good heavens!

I'm a little out of practice. I wouldn't know where to begin.

I can't coach you.

It has to be your idea, pussycat.

And another thing: You can't leave the crypt.

I can't... Then how can I do a good deed?

Anything you want done, I'll do.

And if you're successful, there's a bonus in it for you.

A bonus? Tell me, what is it?

You'll notice there is a discrepancy in our ages.

Since you've mentioned it, if you look closely...

yes.

That's because I stopped aging when I was in the accident.

And you, my poor friend, kept getting older and older--

Never mind that, tell me about the bonus.

The bonus is, if you succeed in doing one good deed...

they promised you'd be young again.

Young again? Oh, Cecily, my dear.

Then once more, you and I could trip together hand in hand...

through the sweet smelling fields of new-mown clover...

to enjoy the moonlight of a warm summer's night...

Let's not get sickening, chickie-baby. Time's a-wasting.

You've got to pull off a good deed, remember?

Yes, I know, I'm thinking.

Wait a minute.

How long have I been dead?

You're hardly cold. One week.

One week!

Then tomorrow, the reading of my will takes place.

And if I know Reggie Ripper, my attorney, he'll try to keep all the money for himself.

What you have to do is to see that my rightful heirs get the money.

That will be my good deed.

Are you sure they'll make me young again...

up there?

-They never go back on their promise. -Good.

The first thing for you to do is to try to get into my house.

But how will we keep in touch with each other?

We should have a walkie-talkie.

I have something better. Remember the old crystal ball shtick?

It never worked.

Try it now.

Not bad.

First of my heirs...

Chuck Phillips, not very bright, but a nice boy.

Heir number two, Lili Morton.

Not very bright, either, but a beautiful figure...

so I've been told.

And heir number three, Myrtle Forbush.

What can I say about her in front of you?

Reggie Ripper, my wicked attorney...

and his vile sidekick, J. Sinister Hulk.

Really, my dear chap, when you threw in with me...

I told you there might be risks involved.

I know, I know, and I'm game, but listen.

-Is this joint really haunted, like they say? -Certainly not! Don't be ridiculous!

Hulk, there's a million dollars involved in this estate, plus the house...

and your job is to take care of the other heirs. Follow me?

I'm way ahead of you.

The job will be done very neat and tidy, or my name ain't J. Sinister Hulk.

My associates are on their way now.

I hope they get here soon. My guests are due any minute.

They will.

This is the greatest bunch of cutthroats I ever had the pleasure of working with.

Once they eliminate the other heirs, the fortune will be all mine.

Ours!

Mine.

Ours.

Mine, old bean.

-What? -Yours, old bean.

That, my dear Cecily, is the enemy.

For my good deed, you're to harass them and protect the young people.

Gotcha, Hiram.

You'd better be leaving, my dear.

My heirs are arriving for the reading of my will.

As you say, Hiram.

Wait a minute. The door's that way!

Who needs it?

Well, well, well, here we are.

All four heirs to this house and fortune neatly assembled.

What goes on?

A séance.

I think it's only fitting to thank to Mr. Hiram Stokely.

-Am I right, buster? -If you insist.

I don't insist, but I get very mean when I'm crossed...

so sit down and be sociable.

-All right. - hope this works.

I normally don't communicate with ghosts until midnight.

Night rates cheaper?

This is so silly. Why do we have to sit--

I'm surprised at you, Cookie.

After all, Hiram invited us to come. We are his heirs!

No one is officially an heir unless present at the reading of the will...

and that won't take place until midnight. So get on with it.

All right.

Let's start holding hands.

-I think I'm going to be sick. -Quiet! Please!

Ghosts do not like noises.

Now, if you'll close your eyes and concentrate.

Oh, Hiram Stokely...

we are all sitting around waiting for you.

Dear, sweet Lili Morton, Chuck Phillips...

your respected attorney, Reginald Ripper...

and me, Myrtle Forbush.

Please, won't you visit us, Hiram?

We are so anxious to talk to you.

If you hear my voice, give us a sign.

What the...

-It's a knife. -It's a note.

What a ridiculous way to send messages.

-What's it say? -Is it from Hiram?

"Those who remain here tonight...

"will not be around tomorrow."

Wait a minute.

-Somebody's trying to scare us out of here. -They've succeeded. I'm leaving.

But if you leave before they read the will, you'll forfeit your share.

-It seems I've reconsidered. -Delighted.

Perhaps you'd better go along without me, Miss Forbush.

Maybe I'm interfering with your communication.

All right.

Here, hold hands.

Have we displeased you, Hiram?

What can we do to make you forgive us?

Please, speak to us, Hiram.

Send us a friendly message.

Friendly message?

Good heavens. Everybody all right?

Yeah, we're all right.

And whoever did that, we're not scared.

Speak for yourself, John.

Let's not go blaming people for these strange happenings around here.

This is a very old house, and chandeliers do fall.

Sure, all the time.

And the mail arrives on knives that stick themselves in chairs and people!

Goo-Goo.

Come here.

Hi, Aunt Myrtle. Well, we finally made the scene.

It's about time.

This is my dear little nephew, Bobby.

Nephew?

Bobby, this is Mr. Ripper, our host.

-How do you do? -How do you do?

Hey, come on, gang. Geronimo!

Cecily, my dear...

that sinister face, pay no attention to it.

It's just Malcolm, my butler.

Terribly inefficient, I might add.

Geronimo

When you find

-When you find -You're in trouble, you need help

-You need help -On the double

One thing

-One thing -Just remember to do

Let yourself go

Yell Geronimo

That's when I'll

Come a-runnin' to you

Geronimo

When you need me

When you want me

Hey, baby, let's go

G-E-R-O-N-I-M-O

Baby, let's go

G-E-

R-0-

N-I-M-O

I'll be there

-I'll be there -Right beside you, to help

-You to help -And to guide you until

-Until -Baby, we see it through

-Don't you know -Don't you know

Hey, Geronimo

That's when I'll

-Come runnin' to you -I'll come runnin' to you

-Geronimo -When you need me

-Geronimo -When you want me

-Geronimo -Hey, baby, let's go

G-E-R-O-N-I-M-O

Geronimo

We'll have to postpone the seance, that's all.

Hiram Stokely would never show up with all that racket going on.

Unless his ghost digs the Watusi.

I could have told you nothing would come of it.

How could the old pirate, in a few minutes...

come all the way up here from all the way down there?

Mr. Ripper, you haven't told me yet how you like my little nephew.

I didn't know you had any living relatives.

Well, I don't. Unless you count Goo-Goo.

How about you two?

Are you similarly endowed? I mean, with living relatives?

I don't see what difference it makes, but no.

I see.

This Goo-Goo appears to be a charming lad.

I'd like him to meet my daughter, Sinistra.

-Well, I'd be... -Sinistra?

You must be joshing.

My dear young man, I am not a josher.

-Shall we? -Delighted.

And then there were two.

Correction. One. I'm going to my room.

Wait a minute. Now, we just met this morning.

Now, I've heard of love at first sight, but never hate. Why?

Because you're a fortune hunter.

Me? A fortune hunter?

Certainly. I mean, why would Hiram Stokely...

a complete stranger, remember you in his will?

I don't know. By the same token, why should he remember you?

You never heard of him before, either, did you?

-No. -All right.

Now, we both know someone's trying to scare us out of here.

Now, if we team up, we'll be twice as strong. What do you say?

All right. It's a deal.

We will not be scared.

-A business relationship. -Strictly business.

That's quite a turn you gave me there, Mr. Ripper.

Hey, "quite a turn.” That's pretty good. You get it?

Time marches on, Mr. Hulk, while you sit here making insane jokes.

Do you realize that I still have a full house?

What's happened to your infernal helpers?

Don't be impatient, boss, they'll be here.

You told me that an hour ago.

Mr. Hulk say, follow Highway 52, no can miss Stokely house.

Me find trail okay, but what happen to house?

Don't look at me. You're supposed to be the guide, Chicken Fat!

Not called Chicken Fat. Me Chicken Feather.

-Nifty, huh? -Yeah.

How do you like this new "Bust Up Billboard" game I invented?

You're the greatest, boss.

There ain't no one rottener.

When somethin' rottener's invented, Eric von Zipper will invent it.

Right! And not only is it rotten, but it's nifty and safe.

Anybody see any more billboards around here to bust up?

I think I see one over there, boss.

Okay. Turn 'em over, group.

Fresh tracks.

Four retreads. Me think we finally find the right trail.

Right trail? You couldn't find the right trail from a plate of beans to your big, fat mouth.

Now, get in here and let me drive.

Okay, maybe change of luck, Princess.

Shut up, Poncho, we're just as hungry as you are.

Get back!

Them wild ones.

Must be on leave of absence from late-late show.

Nobody would be on this mangy cow path...

if they weren't headed for the Stokely estate.

Mush.

Hey, look at the nice, pretty lake they put over there.

Probably just for us.

Follow me!

Look at our fearless leader. Should we follow him?

I don't think we better.

He looks like he's trying to swim the English Channel.

Me no can swim.

Me feather, no duck.

Where do you think you're going?

That's the best lookin' truck driver I've ever seen.

Don't worry, lady, I'll save you.

I think the boss has gone into shock.

Hey, boss! What are you doin'?

I've gotta save that truck driver.

-But, boss... -What?

You can't swim.

Help!

I'll save you!

Well, shall I say it looks lived in?

Yes, by vampires.

Truthfully, don't you feel more comfortable...

now that we have our little business relationship?

You look after me, and I look after you.

Right.

And with no romantic involvements?

No romantic involvements, because that way people might get hurt.

We couldn't let that happen, could we?

Right.

I think I'd better go change now.

Really, don't you think--

I have to go.

And don't forget...

you don't have this business relationship with anybody else except me.

Right.

Business, they say.

Monkey business, I say.

What a Swing-A-Ma-Thing

Good heavens!

Young people today are a nervous lot.

All squiggling in unison.

They're not squiggling, they're dancing!

Get with it, pappy.

Hey, hi, Aunt Myrtle.

You know, this is a real swingin' place you got here.

I'm glad you like it, Goo-Goo. The joint might be ours after tonight.

Happy to see you're enjoying yourself, young man.

Mr. Ripper, this is Miss Vicki Orange.

Hello.

And a young exchange student from lltaly, Miss Piccola Peep.

Pupa.

Pardon me, Pupa.

I was telling your aunt that I should like you to meet my daughter.

He'd like to meet anybody's daughter.

What's that?

That is a subsonic whistle.

It can only get through to people with an acutely developed sense of hearing.

Your daughter is acutely developed?

Judge for yourself.

She's acutely developed, all right.

That's my little girl.

-You called, Daddy, dear? -Indeed, I did.

I want you to meet a very charming young man.

What fun.

Yes, isn't it?

But first we want to make a good impression, don't we?

Yes, Daddy, dear.

So we'll take our glasses off, won't we?

But when we take our glasses off, we can't hardly see.

Remember what I told you about passes and girls with glasses?

Yes, Daddy, dear.

You are a very nice young man.

No, dear, not him.

This very charming young man's name is Bobby.

I'm Vicki.

He's Miss Forbush's only living relative.

I'm Vicki!

-Follow me. -Anywhere.

I'm Vicki, and who cares?

The men do seem to like her for some reason.

I can think of three reasons.

38", 24", 36",

That's better.

Bobby?

Do you like surprises?

I love 'em.

That's good, because you've got one coming now, love.

Oh, boy.

I bet I know what that is.

I bet you don't.

What are you fixing?

Relax. It's just orangeade...

with a couple of my own special ingredients.

How do you like the antique furniture?

I don't know.

It's okay.

It's great. It's really great.

I bet it goes back to Louis XV.

Here, Bobby, dear.

Once you taste this, you'll never drink anything else.

-Bobby? -What?

You're not drinking.

I'm not very thirsty.

Bobby, your dear, sweet aunt is calling you.

I think I hear my dear, sweet aunt calling me.

Why, that's ridiculous.

I have 20-20-20 hearing, and I don't hear a thing.

She's right out on the lawn.

What difference does it make, just as long as we're together?

Lover?

There you are.

You are a shy one, aren't you?

I get it.

You're so happy, you're speechless.

Come on, drink it. Pretty please?

You are a stubborn one, aren't you?

Well, I'll take care of that.

Don't try to be indifferent to me

Don't think you're not falling for me

You're standing right on the brink

Of something bigger than you think

Don't try to fight it, baby

Just take a look into my eyes

It's time you took the trip you're taking to paradise

You know it's bigger than both of us

You'll see I'm a girl you can trust

You're gonna know how it feels

You're falling head over heels

Don't try to fight it, baby

Don't try to fight it, baby

And you said you didn't smoke.

-We made it. -Indeed, you did.

Welcome, Princess. I'm Reginald Ripper.

Mr. Ripper, I assumed as much.

You're like a giant among men.

Shrewd, forceful...

dominating.

And rotten, too.

Princess, time is of the essence.

By all means, Mr. Ripper.

I think we're like birds of a feather.

Vultures, that is.

Merciful heavens, what's that?

Just Monstro. Come on, I'll introduce you to him.

Hey, Monstro!

Shut up, Monstro.

Mama'll only be gone a little while.

Princess, did you have to bring that monkey with you?

How many times have I told you...

when you do a job for me, park this peanut grinder in a zoo or someplace--

He's really as gentle as a kitten...

except when he's scared, or when he thinks somebody is threatening me.

Now, you behave, Monstro, and everything's going to be all right.

Shall we?

Not that way, Princess.

This calls for discretion.

My four unwanted guests...

I assume Mr. Hulk explained what you're to do?

Him make broad hint.

Follow me.

This way. Go.

There she is, my princess. I love her.

Who are them three slobs, boss?

I don't know, but one of 'em looks like Sherlock Holmes.

Hey, Princess--

Where is she? Where's my princess?

She went right through the wall.

Where did she go?

She went right through the wall.

Shut up!

Tell me the truth, and nothin's gonna happen to you.

Where did she go?

Right through the wall.

Don't ever lie to your leader.

He ain't lyin', boss.

Shut up. You, too. Show me.

You stupid--

You're screaming. Why are you screaming?

Stupids!

How could anybody walk through a stone wall?

That ain't even human.

-Boss-- -Shut up!

I'm thinking.

The last time I seen her, she was standing over there with them three slobs.

What she probably did was walked around the side of the...

-Hey, boss-- -I warned you!

I warned you, don't talk.

-Don't talk when I'm thinkin'. -But, boss--

Shut up!

You I told to shut up.

Once more, J.D. Just once.

The boss is gonna think we pushed him. Is he gonna be mad!

He's gonna be madder if we don't go pick him up.

Get in there!

Well, that's more like it.

Now that we've formed our mutual protection society...

we may as well be friendly.

I'm not being friendly. I'm being scared.

There's nothing to be scared of. Not with me here.

Nice try!

Nice throw.

Look, let's not be dopes and fall into their trap.

Someone's trying to scare us before the reading of the will.

Somebody's trying to kill us.

Look, I'm going back to the house.

Wait, I'll go with you.

Please, sir.

I must talk to you.

Sure.

We'll have a nice long talk...

when you learn manners and stop throwing hatchets at people.

No, I'm not responsible for any of the accidents...

that have been taking place here.

Of course not.

I've seen it. I know all the dialogue.

You want me to leave this house, right?

-Exactly, sir. -Well, I'm not.

I'm going to be here at midnight when the will is read...

and I'll be here tomorrow when the money is divided.

If you must, sir.

I beg you, be careful.

Someone here is trying to kill you.

And you know his name, right?

Indeed I do, sir.

And you're going to say, "And his name is..."

And a phony knife is going to stab you in the chest.

And you'll roll your eyes and pretend you're dead.

Don't make sport of me, sir.

I'm trying to save your life.

I'm sorry, sir, but I've got a girl to follow.

So long.

Somebody is trying to kill you.

His name is--

How I ever allowed myself to be hoodwinked into...

having him for my attorney is beyond me.

And with that phony British accent.

Surely there must be something better for me to look at.

If my mother could see me like this...

Don't you think we're overdoing it? Just a little?

In case like this in my country, we say:

"Se devi avere un a more, devi lottare col tuo cuore.”

What does that mean?

Stand up and fight for what you think is right

Don't let anyone get in your way

Right down to the letter

You're gonna feel better

It's true, just do what I say

Stand up and fight for what you think is right

If you want things to go your way

Don't hesitate a minute

It's your game, you'll win it

If you just do what I say

Don't give in, not this season

You've gotta win, and that's enough reason

Stand up and fight for what you think is right

'Cause that's what's happening today

Move out, let 'em know it

Your boat, you row it

You'll see, it's the only way

You'll see, it's the only way

You'll see, it's the only way

It may be the only way for you, but it's too far out for me.

I think I'll settle for this.

You've got to fight fire with fire, honey.

Wear the bikini.

It's just what the doctor ordered.

On second thought, this might be just what the doctor ordered!

What are you doing out of the woodwork?

Boss, you keep tellin' me this joint ain't haunted.

Explain some of them things that are goin' on...

like that self-propelling candelabra.

I've no time for that now!

Do you realize it's 9:00, and so far not one single casualty...

and I'm to read the will in three hours!

That's life, boss. It takes doin'!

Well, do it! Go on, get in there. Get back in.

Mr. Ripper!

I'm so glad you introduced little Bobby to Sinistra.

She's so sophisticated and everything.

She'll give him just what he needs.

Would you mind if Bobby and I went out for a while?

I'd like to show him the sights.

The sights aren't that bad right here.

The city, I mean.

I have something special in mind.

Why, of course, dear. Where do you want to go?

Just out on the veranda.

It's so romantic, and so high.

The people look like they're crawling insects below.

Why, that'll be perfectly all right. Just don't stay out too long.

This won't take long at all. Good night, Papa.

Good night, dear. Happy hunting. I mean, have a good time.

Make the music pretty, play a happy song

Make the music pretty, or I can't go on

Everybody's singing 'bout a broken heart

Don't you know, can't you see It's tearin' me apart now

Make the music pretty, and I'll tell you why

Make the music pretty, or you'll make me cry

Let me hear you play a happy melody

Come on and make the music pretty for me

Why do I have to see the view?

Why? Because it's so romantic.

Yeah, but I get pretty dizzy at heights. I keep tellin' you.

Don't worry. I'm here with you.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Hey, it's a gas, huh?

Yeah, frantic.

Hey, what are you doing?

Just checking. I want to make sure it is you this time.

Yeah. Well, it's me, all right.

Can't we go someplace else?

I mean, I get claustrophobia in high places like this.

Silly! That isn't what you get in high places!

Listen, whatever you get, that's what I got.

Now, you just stay there a minute. I want to make sure this is the place.

Yoo-hoo, cuckoo!

I think I hear my dear Aunt Myrtle calling me.

This is the place.

Silly boy.

Playing games, are you?

Why don't you ever learn to relax?

Here, I'll massage your neck muscles for you.

Aren't you built!

Your poor muscles are so tense and so tight.

But Sinistra knows how to relax you...

permanently!

One less finger in the jam pot!

Won't Papa be delighted!

Vicki?

No! It can't be!

Bobby!

Oh, no.

Revolting little pipsqueaks!

Why do you whoo-hoo?

'Cause I'm afraid.

Don't be afraid, and don't "hoo" no more.

What are you doing out again?

Twelve bongs, right in my ear.

It smarts.

Never mind that. I thought I made it clear to you and your crew...

that you were to dispose of everybody before I read the will!

Well, we want to, but nobody stays put long enough.

Excuses, excuses!

Don't make me tell you again.

Go on, get in there, and get on with it!

Are you all comfortable?

Let's get started, shall we?

"I, Hiram Stokely...

"being of sound mind and body..."

Suppose I skip all the, excuse the expression, dead stuff...

What?

...and get down to the bequests? That's what you're waiting for.

I happen to know everything that's in this instrument...

because I drew it up myself.

All Mr. Stokely's earthly possessions are to be divided up...

among the four of us, share and share alike.

Not bad.

It would be a good deal better if I knew where the money was.

What?

I'm trying to tell you, the man had no bank accounts.

As of this moment, the whereabouts of the money is a complete mystery.

Then why? Why did you have to drag me all the way here from Lompoc?

I hate to sound mercenary, but can you give us an estimate?

I can do even better than that. I can tell you exactly.

By cheating, horn-swoggling, finagling, stealing...

and perpetrating every knavery known to man...

the old horse thief accumulated one million dollars!

What happened?

Nothing. Let's get on with it.

Don't be scared. It's electric. It was probably shorted by the storm.

What's that?

It's a codicil.

Codicil?

An addition to the will. It seems to be legal.

It's dated and signed by Mr. Stokely.

What's it say?

It just says that the million dollars is concealed somewhere in the house...

and it's up to us to find it.

Oh, no! Now we have to go on a treasure hunt!

Wait a minute.

Here's a clue.

"Look to the Prince of Love."

Look to the Prince of Love? What does that mean?

Well, your guess is as good as mine.

I suggest that we all turn in...

and have a good go at it in the morning.

Well, I'll turn in...

but I don't know how I'm going to sleep with all that's been going on.

Don't worry, honey.

I never go to a haunted house without a large supply of sedatives.

This must be Stokely's idea of good, clean fun.

Once a showman, always a showman.

Please, just let's go.

Hey, boss, if this joint ain't haunted...

will you explain to me what's going on out there?

Suppose you explain to me what's going on in here!

Everybody still alive and you have the effrontery to sit there eating?

By candlelight?

Don't blow a gasket, boss. They've come a long way. They're starved!

After all, sweets, you can't expect us to do what we have to do...

on an empty stomach.

Indian tradition: Never go on warpath before first eating buffalo.

Buffalo, shmuffalo! You heard me read the will, didn't you?

Yeah! Buried treasure! And we expect our cut of it, too.

Well, you can expect until doomsday!

Nobody's been knocked off except Malcolm, the butler...

and I took care of him myself.

And my daughter's taking care of that upstart, Bobby.

You hear that, chickie? They got two extra caretakers here now.

Quiet! Mr. Ripper have tradition, too.

No do job, no get wampum.

Put that in your teepee and smoke it!

I'm steamin'! I'm steamin'! I'm so exaggerated!

-What's the matter? -I'm mad on that Princess.

What'd she do, boss?

The only girl I ever loved, and now she and them three slobs...

are gonna steal a million clams, and they didn't even invite me!

Why don't you give her the finger, boss?

No, what I'm gonna do is, we'll find those clams...

we're gonna keep 'em for ourselves...

and we ain't gonna share with her nor nobody!

How we gonna do that, boss?

Don't worry, he knows how we'll do it.

How we gonna do it, boss?

That's a good question. I'll tell you how.

Who told you to ask me that question?

Did anybody tell you that? Did anybody tell you?

Don't bite! Let go!

Hide! Hide!

No, not everybody! Just me! I'm the only shusher!

Thanks for talking to me, Chuck.

I feel a lot better now.

You know, this is the wildest coincidence...

that both our fathers were carnival operators...

and both were swindled by a con man.

Maybe it isn't a coincidence.

Stokely! That's his name! I remember! That's the name of the crook!

Yeah, rings a bell with me, too.

But if this is the same Stokely who was the culprit...

then why would he be our benefactor now?

Search me!

Anyway, it'll clear up tomorrow.

Good night, Lili.

Business arrangement.

Well, that's my room over there, just in case.

In case anything happens.

Okay. Good night, Chuck.

Hi, Chuck. It's a little crowded over there in the other bedroom.

I hope you don't mind if I bunk here tonight.

No, I don't mind.

Okay, great! I was ready to hit the sack myself.

Be my guest.

Television repairmen.

You gonna keep the light on all night?

I'm sorry. I was just trying to read myself to sleep.

Thanks.

What time is it?

I dunno.

It's 2:00.

What's wrong?

A skull! There's a skull!

What?

What are you talking about?

Well, that's funny. It was right there a minute ago!

I don't understand it.

Well, I understand.

Anybody reading junk like this is bound to have nightmares.

Go to sleep, will you?

How?

For crying out loud!

Now I'll have to take something, or I'll never get to sleep!

There's something dastardly afoot.

Be brave, boys. Have courage!

There are spooks loose all over my house!

Something tried to grab me in the closet!

It's a blob with great big claws all over it!

Man, you are driving me out of my skull!

No, the skull was over there!

You're dreaming!

Listen, I'm not kidding. That thing was nine feet tall and it--

You listen to me! You get in there, and you take a pill!

Hey, Chuck, really, I...

I took the pill.

Chuck!

Calm down! There is nothing to get excited about.

Bobby just had a nightmare, that's all.

Where is Bobby?

He went downstairs to get some warm milk.

Come on, kids, you're all acting like a bunch of old women. Scat!

Get out! Come on!

Hello, operator?

This is a recording.

You have dialed a wrong number, stupid.

I haven't dialed any number yet.

-Look, this is an emergency. -Bobby!

Thanks loads.

What's that?

I don't know. Let's find out.

Keep away from that door. It's a real son of a gun.

I thought I heard voices saying words. Carry on.

What are you doing with books? Here, rip!

-He won't open his mouth. -He's dead, stupid.

-Jerome? -Yeah.

-You see anything in the mirrors? -Yeah.

-What? -Dirt.

You stupid.

Come here.

Stop! Come here.

Listen, whoever hid that loot was pretty sharp...

but if he thinks he can out sharp Eric Von Zipper...

he is stupider than anybody.

You said it, boss. There ain't nobody stupider than you.

Stand back!

I think there's something here.

Here, take this. Use it if you have to.

What are you so quiet about?

Wait a minute.

- I just thunk of somethin'. -Always thinkin', that's the boss.

-What did you think of this time? -This time, it's what I don't think.

And what I don't think is, I don't think the loot is in this room.

I wish I said that.

Tell us what we should do, boss.

-We got a pretty good hole dug here, right? -Right.

So it shouldn't be a total loss, let's see what it leads to.

I knew you'd come up with somethin', boss.

Okay, let's go. Ladies first.

That's you two.

Come on, stupids. Let's go. In there, be careful. And wait for me.

Wait for me in there. Don't go too far. Come on.

Wait for me, now!

I can't fit.

You stupid. Now, watch your head.

Don't let it poke out your eye. Here I come, fellas.

Not to worry. What?

I thought I told everybody to go through the hole.

Boss, what's wrong? I heard you screaming.

There was a guy with... And he was all wrapped...

Hey, boss. Wake up.

What?

-Did you...me? -Yeah.

Don't ever...me. Now get in the hole.

Everybody here?

There we are. Safe as the First National Bank.

We can't possibly do anything about this tonight...

so why don't we get some shut-eye?

Shut-eye? Are you kiddin' me?

Twice that homicidal filly, Sinistra, tried to knock me off...

and that blob, he wasn't no fraternity brother, either.

The only blob is in your brain.

Okay then, look, Chuck. You tell me. Who wrecked the living room?

I told you.

It's only somebody tr yin' to get a head start in finding old Stokely's dough.

What's to worry?

Listen, do you believe in helping a dying man?

-Yes. -Okay. I'm dying.

Now, you go downstairs, pick up the phone and call the cops. Please.

All right.

I wonder what monster you'll dream up next.

What took you so long? Boy, it sure feels safe now.

Operator, do you hear me now?

This is an emergency.

-Will you please-- -I'm sorry. You are being disconnected.

Quite.

Bobby!

What happened?

Nothing.

I just had a visitor who needed a haircut all over.

What was that?

There's a huge gorilla in there.

In there. He's got Lili.

See? I'm not the only one who has dreams.

There's nothing there.

Frank, Pete, search the back of the house, and check the grounds.

Myrtle, you get upstairs where you belong.

Not me, buster. I go where the action is.

Come on.

Hey, wait for me.

-Everybody here? -Yeah.

Is anybody extra here?

-Hiram. -Yes, my dear?

What are all these strange people doing here?

They're on their way to my Chamber of Horrors.

Just follow them, my dear.

Boy, that's slippery stuff.

Hey, boss, where are we?

I think this is the rumpus room.

Maybe we took a wrong turn.

-Gee, it's scary in here. -Yeah.

Have no fear. Von Zipper is here. Nothin' can hurt us. Come on.

Get rid of them tools.

-Hey, boss, look. -That chick's in big trouble.

Von Zipper will save you, ma'am.

Hey, you're hurtin' that chick, Charlie. Leave her be.

I don't think he heard me so good.

I said, you're hurtin' that chick, Charlie. Leave her be.

-Give it to him, boss, you can do it. -Yeah, he asked for it.

Keep your eye on Von Zipper.

I think he's hurt.

He'll never be the same without plastic surgery.

Is he bleedin'?

You bunch of stupids. This ain't a human being. It's a dummy.

Just like you are. Dummies.

Then they won't give us no more trouble then, right, boss?

Right, but I will. Now come on.

Here's your head back, mister.

Look at the monkey!

-He looks real. -No.

You can always tell a phony. Look.

You see the kind of hair they got?

And over here, it happens to be different. Look at that.

See the kind of hair they got here?

Boss, I think he's for real.

Yeah, you said nothin' was gonna hurt us.

So I'm a liar!

Run!

Stop right where you are, Monkey.

Atta boy, boss, you got him at your mercy.

You hear that? I got you at my mercy.

You didn't hear that. I'm sorry I pulled your hair!

Give him the ax.

Give him the ax, boss!

Look over there!

Here.

What a stupid idea.

I'm sorry. I said I was... Why don't you...

Couldn't we, like, talk it over a little bit?

Wait. Stop. You're crazy.

Do something.

Do something!

Let's get out of here!

Me no like that screaming downstairs, Mr. Hulk.

In this house, they got real evil spirits.

If you only knew.

That Ripper's been lyin' to us.

We better get outta here while we still got our health.

You won't keep your health unless you finish the job.

We're gonna find out what's goin' on in the Chamber of Horrors.

Mr. Ripper, you've been misrepresenting...

Shut up and keep moving. Nobody quits on me till I let them.

And that goes for you, my fine, feathered friend.

Once a chicken, always a chicken.

Come on, get moving. Move!

Chuck?

Lili, snap out of it. You've got to get out of here, fast.

Come on. I know where they are.

Come on.

This is Hiram Stokely's Chamber of Horrors.

Just like it was in the carnival.

Lili, where are you?

This one's breathing.

Stop that buzzsaw.

Come on, Chuck, pull the lever.

Hit him again.

Cecily, save the girl.

Goo-Goo, do something.

Pull the lever.

Don't worry, Lili, we'll save you.

Daddy, over here!

Sinistra, remember me? I'm your father.

Hit the golden one.

There's your treasure, Hiram.

Manna from heaven.

No, it isn't.

That's Stokely's millions.

He said, "Look to the prince of love."

Cupid's little arrow did the trick.

Leave it alone! All of you!

Cecily, do something.

Every penny of it is mine.

Cecily, what have you done?

Wrapping things up for you, Hiram, baby.

Your wicked lawyer has gone to collect his just desserts.

And your rightful heirs now have the money.

Congratulations, Hiram, on doing your good deed.

And now you're on your way to heaven.

Cecily, they said they'd make me young again.

And they never go back on their promise.

Well, you can't have everything.

Why me? Why me all the time?

It's the television repair man.

Don't look at me. I can't explain it, either.