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♪ I'm not crying

♪ There's rain in my eyes

♪ Rain in my eyes

♪ I'm not to blame

♪ If little raindrops fall

♪ It was raining... ♪

It's your time to shine.

Please, put your hands together

and welcome to the stage
our friend Rhys Nicholson.

Oh, hi!

Stop it!

Or keep going for ages.

OK.
That's...that's getting patronising.

Um, ladies and gentlemen,
Athenaeum Theatre,

through the currency of whooping
and cheering, how are you feeling?

Fantastic.

I've been having a nice time
the last 12 months.

At the moment, I'm trying to take
a little bit more control of my life.

I was speaking to a friend
about that.

'Friend' is a strong word -
'mental health care professional'.

She's my friend,
friend for money twice a week.

And she was saying,

"Rhys, if you wanna take more control
of your life, try this."

"Just say 'no' more in your life."

'Cause I think we put too much
emphasis on the word 'yes'.

Everyone has a friend
that starts off their year, like,

"This is the year
I just say yes to everything."

Like, fuck that. I'm saying no
to anything I possibly can.

Lotta power in the word 'no'.
There's a long list of things.

A big one is house parties.

Let's stop pretending
that house parties are good.

They only reason
I'll go to a house party these days

is if I know for a fact,
like for a FACT

there is a person at that party

who is what I would call,
like, a 'social liability'

you know, someone I can look at
and go, "Well, that's wrong,"

feel better about myself
and get on with my day,

you know, what Facebook is for.

And my friends know
'cause they'll call me

and they're like, "Rhys, are you
gonna come to Taylor's party?"

I'm like, "No,
I'm not gonna go to Taylor's party."

They're like, "No, you should come

'cause she's bringing her cousin
and he's an anti-vaxxer."

I'm there!

Oh, yum, yum, yum.
How good is an anti-vaxxer?

Fuck, I love an anti-vaxxer.

It's like, "Oh, my great-grandparents
were vaccinated,

then, 80 years later, bang, dead."

It's like, ugh.
Grow up. Just look at a book.

I was at a, um...

I was at a dinner party
late last year.

You know dinner parties -
smart/casual hostage situation.

Oh, you cooked this?
We could've gone out. Er...

The chicken wouldn't be so dry.

I was sitting... I was sitting...

You know those people that just talk
about food they can and can't eat?

What are those people called
where they eat seafood but not meat?

What are they called?

Hypocrites.

Bam!

That'll get 'em!

'Punch-Up' Nicholson,
that's what they call me.

But I think the worst thing
you can be at a party, though,

there's a particular type of man
that's at every single house party

and they always
corner my female friends

and they have
these two phrases they say

and let's be honest, in the Venn
diagram of these two statements,

usually standing in the middle,
it's a white man with dreadlocks.

You know those types of people?

Going, "Oh, what's that behind
your ear? Ooh! It's a red flag."

They love a magic trick,
those people.

"I'm gonna get you emotionally
involved, then I'm gonna disappear!"

This happened about nine months ago
I went to a party with my friend Mel

and this guy cornered her and said
two things in the same conversation.

He said, "I guess
I'm kind of a free spirit."

Alright.

Then, he backed that gem up with,
"I guess I'm kind of an old soul."

No! You're an unregistered sex
offender. Do you know what I mean?

How about you put down that guitar,
put your shoes back on

and get back in your panel van,
you weirdo,

and stop offering Reiki to everyone.

Those aren't healing hands.

I'm getting to a point in my life...
Like, last year, I dunno...

I'm getting to that age...

Last year, I found out I'm ageing.
Very disappointing to find out.

Turns out time is linear.
I got, um...

I got invited, last year,
to my ten-year high school reunion,

which is crazy 'cause I'm 22.

Hurtful laugh.

Now, I got a, er...
I got a Facebook message

from a girl I went to school with,
called Christine.

We all went to school
with a girl called Christine.

She was on every student council,
she had a very tight ponytail

and now, when you see her,

you're like, "That's a very tight
ponytail, Christine."

"It's so I feel something!"

"Alright, Christine."

"It's a lot from you early on."

And Christine was saying,

"We're having a ten-year
high school reunion. Let's re-une."

But she said this particularly to me.
"I know you got a dog recently."

'Cause I got a dog recently.

She went, "We're gonna
make it a daytime event

so your fur baby is welcome!"

Stop saying 'fur baby', I reckon.
Stop saying it.

It's one of those terms
makes me feel very uncomfortable,

like, very similar
to a gender reveal party.

I'm still waiting for mine.

Oh! Which one?!

But, I, um...

'Fur babies' is
one of those double-standard terms.

It makes me feel like...

It's a double standard in that
you can call my dog a fur baby, fine,

but the moment I call your kid
a skin pig, you know, suddenly...

...people get furious about that.

Like, "How old's your skin pig now?
Oh, nine years old?"

"How long do they live?"

"Was it a rescue?" And now...

And I don't wanna go to a reunion.

I feel like, specifically,
Facebook has ruined a lot of things

but it's ruined things like reunions.

Before Facebook, reunions used to be
a thing where you finished school

and you didn't see anyone
for ten years

and they knew shit-all
about your life

and you turned up at the reunion
and you just lied.

You just lied and you lied.

You did a little play called 'This Is
How I Wish Things Had Turned out'.

But you can't do that,
you can't turn up like,

"I wish my husband could've been here

but he's been working a lot
in Switzerland at the UN."

Everyone knows you work at Hoyts,
Renee!

Saw you there Two For Tuesday.

And if you're like me
and you were bullied,

which I'd imagine you were, er...

I'm only saying that
'cause you're at a comedy show.

Bullies don't go to comedy shows.

Bullies stay at home
and listen to talkback

and e-sign
racially charged petitions, you know?

But I got quite badly bullied.

I went to school
in a place called Newcastle.

Ooh! Other places!

Newcastle, I went to a school called
Hunter School of Performing Arts

and we were known, in the town, as
the Hunter School of Poofs and Tarts,

which is very funny, by the way.

Like, sometimes, you look at
your own oppressors and you're like,

Nah, you've nailed that.

That's right about all of us,
actually. That's very good.

I turned 29 this year, which is...
I know that's not old.

You notice little things,

like I've missed certain windows
in my life I can't go back to,

like I've never backpacked
and I can't start now.

It's too late. There's always
one 29-year-old at the hostel.

You're like, "Ooh. What's his story?"

You're not allowed to backpack
for years and years,

then you can backpack again,
when you're, like, 50, 55.

She didn't need him.
She's getting her life back.

Eat, pray, fuck, you know?

Very similarly,
I've never had group sex

and I can't start
having group sex now.

I don't have the hand/eye
coordination for that type of shit.

I imagine trying to have group sex
for the first time at this age

would be similar to...

Remember in primary school
trying to get into a skipping rope?

Just like...

Can't work out the rhythm.

Is it the up bit or the down bit?
Get all tangled up in the ropes.

Like, I could...
I could cater for a sex party.

I'd be like,
"Boys, I made sandwiches."

"Ooh, gross.
So have you. Never mind."

Not getting involved in any of that.

You just notice
these interesting little changes,

these little windows of change,

like I got a call,
a few years ago, from my mother.

We've spoken since.

She called to say,
"You're getting to that age

you should come to Christmas
this year

'cause we think it might be
your nan's last Christmas."

I was like, of course. I'm very close
with my nan so I went.

And the next year, my mother called

and was like,
"OK, we think this one might be it."

And the next... I've been to eight of
my nan's last Christmases in a row.

If anything, she's getting stronger,

like there's a painting
in an attic somewhere.

Like, this is a real thing.

A couple of years ago,
over the Christmas lunch table,

she asked me if I wanted to do
an escape room with her.

I don't wanna do an escape room.
I've got a severe anxiety disorder.

Every fucking room's an escape room.

I dunno.
I think it's an interesting age.

There's whole parts of my life that
kinda changing, weird little changes.

Started going through a puberty
that no-one warns you about.

Started growing hairs.

'Cause people keep saying to me
things like, "I loved my late 20s."

"Things just started to make sense."

Like, a real person
said to me recently,

"I loved my 20s. I got rid of
all the toxic people in my life."

So we're not friends anymore.

That's the first rule of toxic
people. They say things like that.

By the way, nothing is making sense.
Nothing is making sense.

I think what it is

is I have all the same issues,
fears and anxieties as a 21-year-old,

I just don't have that blind
confidence I had as a 21-year-old.

Oh, I loved being 21 so much.

If you're 21, hold onto that
for at least 12 months.

Like, it's the greatest feeling.

Remember being 21, you'd have 1,000
beers and wake up in the morning,

like, "I'm never gonna die!"

Now, if I sniff some white wine
and get into bed,

I wake up like, "Oh! I'm alive!"

Like, it's just constantly trying
to get away from things all the time.

Whole parts of my life have changed
context. That's the thing.

As you veer into your 30s,
whole things change context.

I don't understand this myself
but I used to love going to chemists.

Don't know why.

When I was late teens,
I'd go buy some make-up,

maybe I'd buy a condom

and they'd sit in a drawer
for four and a half years.

But now, chemists have just
changed context completely to me.

They only reason I'll go now,
the only reason I'll go at all

is to either start or stop shitting.

Like, there's no...

That doesn't appear to be up to me anymore.

Everything's changing. You gotta have
a bit of fun in life, though.

Sometimes, I'll have some Imodium
and six coffees. Let 'em fight.

Oh! Who's gonna win?
The true Game of Thrones.

Such a cliche thing
for a comedian to say, though,

but I feel a lot of my friends,

as we veer into this age,
we plummet into this age,

always know the right thing
to say and do

and I never know
the right thing to say and do.

I'm kinda known, in my group,
I never say the right thing ever.

I was telling a friend, a while ago,

how I keep having this dream
where all my teeth fall out

and she went, "Apparently
that means you're self-conscious."

And I genuinely said,
"Is that what people are saying?"

That might be something to talk
to someone professionally about,

at a later date but I definitely...

That's the weird thing
about age as well.

I've become obsessed with my teeth.
I think about them all the time.

I went to the dentist last year.
Hadn't been in nine years.

Judgy! And...

First rule of dentists,
don't tell them how long it's been.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong
with dentists

but they're always furious,
all the time.

They don't
trust us with our own teeth.

You go in and they're angry.

"You're not looking after
your mouth bones."

And there's always
some lady standing next to them,

cos-playing the lady from NCIS and...

That's a joke that never gets much
but I'll give it 1,000 more chances.

And I went in.
This happened last year.

She turned out to be
quite a nice dentist

and she said, very nicely, she said,
"Rhys, tell me about your teeth."

I always panic in this situations.

Medical situations,
I say the wrong thing.

She said, "Tell me about your teeth."

I panicked and I genuinely, last
year, said to a professional dentist,

"Oh, my teeth?
Well, I've been told I use too much."

And she said, "What?!"

Said, "Oh, I haven't been here
in nine years."

And then, we did an X-ray
on my feet, weirdly.

Is that bad? No.
I'm on Wiki-feet now.

Look it up. It's harrowing.
No, we did an X-ray on my teeth.

Turns out - how's this? -
I don't have wisdom teeth.

Born without wisdom teeth.
Put up your hand.

I'm not gonna talk to you.
Don't panic.

Put up your hand if you were born
without wisdom teeth.

There's quite a few of us.

If science is to be believed -
and I don't know if it is, sir -

but if science is to be believed,

they reckon
the people with no wisdom teeth,

they reckon
we're the next evolutionary thing.

That's the next step in evolution.
Like, look at this!

Like, I'm the front, do you
know what I mean? Like, I'm...

I'm the best thing going around
at the moment.

Like, humanity's back there
and I've got a baton,

like, "Come on everyone!
We're doing it!"

Like, if that's true,
if this is where we're heading,

this is the best thing going around,
then we need to shut it down!

Shut it down!

I think we're devolving.
We're losing teeth like meth-heads.

Like, I... My body's falling apart.
This can't be the end game.

Like, I will be sunburnt
by the end of this show.

My bones are that of birds.
I'm allergic to everything.

People wonder
what's gonna wipe out humanity.

Is it gonna be nuclear war,
some sort of Ice Age?

Personally, I think it's wheat.

The wheat is gonna rise up

and we're gonna shit ourselves
to death on the streets.

I refuse to acknowledge
that I'm lactose intolerant,

even though I'm reminded
on a daily basis that I am

in a myriad of different ways.

But I'm too woke about it. That's
the problem with my generation.

Every time I'm having
a yoghurt or a creme brulee,

I'm always like, well,
how could I be lactose intolerant?

Some of my best friends are milk!

That's a weird one. I think, um...

I think what it is, is I can't
process things, at this age,

the way I used to be able to,
you know, physically or mentally.

Like, when I was 18, I made a friend
and that's the end of the show.

Goodnight, everyone. Thanks.

"What a beautiful end.
Was it about his dad?"

No, I...I made a friend and we were
very fast friends, 17 into 28,

and we did that thing you do when
you make a fast friends at that age.

We did a lot of drugs and alcohol together

and then, when we turned 23,
I kinda flagged the idea, like,

"Hey, maybe we should
slow down on the drugs and alcohol

'cause at this rate,
soon we shall die."

And this is a real thing
and I should point out,

lotta dumb jokes in this show
but there is nothing...

There is no exaggeration or lies
in this particular story

in any way whatsoever -
nothing is a lie or an exaggeration.

So we decided, when we were 23,
we were like, let's do a thing.

We called them 'rabbit hole nights'
where, once a year,

we go to a bar and we just
follow the rabbit down the hole.

We do as much drugs and alcohol
as we possibly can

and it's always a fucking disaster.

Two years ago, we did ecstasy
for the first time in many years

and we took 'em and 20 minutes later,
both went, "Oh! No!" and went home,

which...

...I don't recommend doing that.

You get a lot of cleaning done
but it's not the same.

My partner came home

and I was holding up the fridge,
like, "Quick! Sweep!"

"We're moving house.
Pick up a corner of the house.

"I know it's an apartment.
Work with me."

But I would imagine last year
would be our final rabbit hole night.

We decided we might go to a bar

and hang out with our friend who is
a drag queen 'slash' drug dealer...

...which I've always wondered,
out of those two professions,

which one's the side business?

Do you know what I mean? Like...
where's the focus? Where's the tax?

And this was a point in my life where
I was trying to be better to myself,

trying to take
more control of my life.

I was like, "I'm just gonna have
a little bit. I don't need much."

So we did a little bump,
I believe they call it in the biz.

Yeah. Sure.

And cocaine,
I've never done it before

but I've heard it's quite moreish
and, er...

You believe that, right? Yeah.
Similarly, I've never looked at porn.

If only there was a hub of it,
you know?

Rest in peace, Tumblr.

So we did a little bump
and I'm walking out of the cubicle,

like, "That's enough for old Rhysie.
She doesn't need this no more."

"Three green juices, barkeep."

And then I heard the drug queen go,
"Oh, hold on."

And I was like, "Hm, she's coming
back. Get that septum outta there."

"Hoover Nicholson."

And when I went back in there,
in less than three seconds,

the mood had changed substantially.

The drug queen
had two little baggies in her hand

and she looked at me and went,
"Hey, just out of interest,

"which one these
looks more white to you?"

And I thought, "Ooh, I didn't know
we were casting an Australian drama."

Um...

And I was looking at
the little baggies,

like, "Ooh, I don't know.
I reckon that one, drug queen."

"That one looks more white to me."

And she went, "This one?
Alright. Don't panic."

Which is not a thing you ever wanna
hear a drug dealer say.

Or a drag queen. Let's be honest.

And I said, "Why shouldn't I panic?"

She went, "Well,
that was not cocaine we just did."

I'm like, "Oh! Well, what was it?"

"Er, paracetamol?
Crushed up Strepsil?" Er...

And she went,
"No. And really, don't worry."

I was like, "It's weird."

"The more you say 'don't worry',
the more I worry

and something's happening
to my hands."

She went, "That was...ketamine."

Yeah. Someone next to you
just made a noise.

They've done ketamine.

Ketamine is a horse tranquiliser.

I'm not a horse.

That's been made clear to me
on a myriad of different times.

Ketamine, it's not hallucinogenic
but it's quite long-lasting.

I don't know if you've ever been
inside a Bjork song before...

That's kinda the vibe.

Whap, whap, whap!

Ahhhhhhhh!

Like...

Air becomes very tactile.

You can have a good chat with a lamp.

My friend and I, we were like,
"Let's get out of this cubicle

because it's starting to scream."

And we went out into the world
the gay bar was presenting to us

and I was like,
"Wh-Wh-What are we gonna do?"

"Like, what's happening?"

And it felt like
there was water rising up

so we were saying our goodbyes,
like two maidens in a river.

And my friend,
very pragmatic about it.

He was like, "Let's just go dance.
We'll just dance for a couple hours."

"We'll get the feeling out.
Let's go dance."

And I remember this so vividly.

I looked at the dancefloor,
I looked back at him and I went,

"It's just that
there's a minotaur there."

And he didn't help the situation.
He looked and he went, "Oh! No!"

Fuck knows what was there.

And we lost each other
for a few minutes.

Could've been eight years. Who knows?

And I was starting to fall into
what I believe they call a 'K-hole'.

I was like,
"I need to get outta here."

And I found my friend and I was
shaking him, like, "I need to leave!"

And I got into an Uber, I hope...

And I got home

and this is how much of a better
person my fiance is than me.

I told him what was going on
and he was like some sort of shaman.

He was rubbing my back and like,
"Everything's gonna be alright."

"Don't worry. Everything's gonna be
alright. Don't worry about it."

After a couple of hours, it was out
of my system and I felt better.

Then we had -
I don't mind saying it -

we had the most intense
and incredible sex

we've ever had in our entire lives.

There was, like, tentacles involved.
Like it was crazy.

And then, I woke up in the morning
and remembered he was out of town

and I'd just passed out on a rug so...

Had to chuck out that rug.

A very expensive rug.

I just can't imagine.

Like, hallucinating
has never been in my zeitgeist.

I feel like no-one wants
to hallucinate if you've got...

Everyone's got a friend
that's too into hallucinogens,

like they're really into them
and they lecture you about it.

They're like, "Come on, man,
let's do 'shroom season, man."

"It's gonna change your life, man.
Gonna change your life."

And whenever they're telling me
how much it's gonna change my life,

I always seem to be making up
my futon for them at the time.

Do you know what I mean? Like...

"Sorry.
Change my life into your life?"

"Well, I don't want your life."

"I don't want you in my life."

True story, by the way.
It was a real guy.

I changed his sheets the next day
and they were full of sand.

We hadn't been to the beach.

But they always say things like,

"It's gonna change your life.
It's gonna open your mind."

This is what I've noticed.

The more open your mind is,

the more narrow your employment
opportunities become.

And also,
who wants to open their mind?

I don't wanna open my mind.

I spent a lotta money on a lotta
therapists over a lotta years

locking that shit down!

Some people say things like,
"Well, I've got a great memory."

"I'd really call it a 'mind palace'."

Fuck that. I've got a 'mind jail'.
It is Alcatraz in there.

You know, Tom Hanks
is walking up and down.

I know they're different movies.

I've got this mind jail

and I feel like if I was to
take some sort of hallucinogen

it'd be like a power failure
at the prison

and all the doors would swing open

and just be like, "Hi!" We're back!"

"You're scared of balloons.
You don't remember why."

What it is, I can't open myself up
to those situations anymore.

I used to be like, "Yeah,
I'll do that. Sure. Whatever."

I can't anymore.

I think what it is,
is I care too much about stuff,

not people.

Eugh!

But, like, stuff. Shit.

I think, if you were to make
a graph - and why would you?! -

but if you were to make a graph
that on one side was how old you are

and the bottom was how much
you give a shit about things,

I think there's a bit of a bell curve
to this graph.

I think 29 into your early 30s
is the peak of that bell curve.

You're walking around all the time,

going,
"What the fuck am I gonna do?!"

When you were a little, tiny baby,
nothing matters. You're a baby.

You're a little older,
into early teen years,

people start saying, "What are you
gonna do with your life?"

You're like, "This seems early."

Get a little bit older, late teens,
people really start pushing.

"Are you gonna go to uni? How you
gonna do it? What's gonna happen?"

You're like, "Oh, I dunno.
I'm young. Gap year. Whatever."

Early 20s, mid-20s, late-20s,
people really start going,

"What are you gonna do?
Gonna have kids?"

"Is there a lesbian involved?
I don't understand the process."

And then, you hit
this peak level of just like,

"Ah! Oh, my God! What am I gonna do
with my life?! Help me! Ah! Ah!"

"Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!"

And then, you hit 60, 65.

And to me, it seems like,
at that age,

your care levels
just fucking plummet.

Like, oh,
I can't wait to be in my 60s.

I can't wait
to be at a point in my life

where all I wanna do
is give feedback no-one asks for.

You know? Like, that's...

It's an important time,

to have all of the power
and none of the information.

Do you know what I mean?
Like, that's...

...a good time.

Thank you to any Boomers who brought
their children this evening.

I appreciate it.
I'm enjoying your money.

Now, I will... I'm not... I feel like
I'm not shitting on Boomers.

That's a very comedianish thing to do
at the moment.

I would say this. Boomers, er...

You're learning
in a way that we weren't expecting.

You're becoming sentient,
like Skynet, like...

The internet used to be
a place where we talked about you

and now, you're there
and you need to give us a minute

'cause we're like, "Ah!"

Like, you guys are learning in a way
we just didn't know was gonna happen.

Like, my mum started learning,
started using emojis, the wrong ones,

but she's learning.

This is a real thing.

Couple of months ago,
my mum sent me a message

It was just five fire emojis
in a row.

And then, nothing for three hours.

A few hours later, just went,
"I can't find your father."

What's happening?!

What's going on?
Do I need to send someone?

I think we're in
an interesting time of feedback,

a very feedback-heavy
time of the world.

Anybody in this room could find
anybody else in this room

and give 'em a little bit of feedback.

I get a lot of it happen in my life.
I got a bit of feedback recently.

I'm gonna read a message
from a lady, that I got, um...

Got a message from
a lady who had seen me on television

and she wondered why.

That was her main concern,
about me being on her television.

We're gonna call her 'Carol'.
You know, that's her name.

Carol Saunders based in Manchester
in the UK. Very easy to find.

And Carol wanted to let me know
that I'd made some mistakes

on my television appearance
and wanted to give me some feedback.

I'm gonna read
this message from Carol

in the cadence that her punctuation
has demanded.

Now, just imagine me reading this.
I've not changed anything about this.

I woke up in the morning,

I'm drinking a coffee, wiping
the little dreams out of my eyes,

sitting in front of my laptop.

You know, it's 9:00am.

Still...4:00pm and, er...
Still ongoing mental health issues.

And this is an unchanged message
from Carol,

a dramatic reading of
a letter from Carol.

"My son is a gay!"

A strong start.

If you have any official
correspondence to send,

open with 'my son is a gay'.

People will be confused
but they're listening.

Oh. Oh. Alright. Go on.

"In a world where it's difficult
to be accepted as a gay..."

Now, the term 'a gay' is gonna
come up here quite a few times.

I love the term 'a gay'.

It sounds like something
you might order in a bakery.

Do you know what I mean?

Just like, well,
I had two croissants yesterday.

But today, I think
I'll just have a gay.

Thank you. I like the custard centre.

It's gross and I dunno why.

"You, as a public example of a gay,
makes me ashamed."

"Your language, your representation
of the gay community,

your obvious lack of self-respect
as a gay is obnoxious."

"No wonder the world still looks down
on gays and lesbians

when they are represented
by people like you."

"My son,
who is a genuine nice gay..."

You know all those evil gays
you're always hearing about?

Oh, we're coming to get you!
Lock up your dads! Oh!

Here we come!

"My son, who is a genuine nice gay,

finds life difficult
without people like you

getting a laugh, talking about
your sad, sad sex life."

Now, first of all, I sent her
that message in confidence.

"You even wave your arms around,
waiting for a mild laugh."

We've all noticed that does happen
so check and mate from Carol.

"Have some self-respect. Who raised
you? I worry for your children."

"Why don't you just talk about

nice people, nice things,
nice situations?"

"Regards, Carol."

So as...

I mean,
it's always good to hear from a fan.

I get a few of them a year,
a few Carols,

what I would call
'fun mum homophobia'.

Because I mostly get nice things but
every now and then, some like that.

I get between 10 and 20...400 a year
of those types of ones.

They always say things like
'representative' or 'representation',

which I've never really
thought of myself as that.

I've got an agent and a manager.
I can barely represent myself.

But then, I read things like that and
I'm like, "What am I meant to do?"

I'm just a comedian.
Am I meant to be representing?

What?
Am I meant to be the Gay Law Act?

I speak for all the treetops
and the tree bottoms.

It definitely spiked up a few years
ago, when we didn't have gay marriage

and then we had it and everything's
fine now and don't look that up.

Everything's going to plan.

'Cause I'm engaged to a man.
His name is Kyran.

We've been together for eight years.
We're trying for a dog.

And, um, we got engaged
before the vote

which means, like, we love each other
so much, Kyran and I,

but it was a tiny little
tiny bit political.

We were kind of like

even though we can't still, we're
still gonna fucking do it, man.

Damn them, man!

Then it got legalised
and we were like, "Alright. Er..."

"I was not expecting that to go
through. Like, I voted no, which..."

I looked into it.

Turns out weddings are fucking
expensive, especially gay ones.

So many doves! But now we gotta...

It's that dove tax
you gotta worry about.

But now, now we're gonna do it.

And I am excited.
I'm excited to do it.

People keep asking. We've started
planning the wedding.

People keep saying,
"How you guys gonna do it?"

"In a garden?
My cousin got married in a garden."

"She got stung by a bee.
She passed away."

I don't know. I've always
loved the idea of being married.

Feels very safe and warm
and official.

If Kyran wants to leave me, there's
paperwork. That feels pretty good.

Like, oh, you're not happy here,
are you? Well, here's 12 forms.

That's what I thought.
What do you want for dinner?

I like the idea.
I dunno how we're gonna do it.

I would say this, though,
about the queer community.

Leading up to the plebiscite,
to the vote,

I would say that we, as a community,
we're a very strong group of people.

But I would say this. We're
a very apologetic group of people.

'Cause leading up to the vote,
we kept saying things like,

"Don't worry. We're not coming after
the traditional concept of marriage."

"Don't worry about that.
That's still yours."

"We just want equality

but we're not coming after
the traditional concept of marriage."

And I would say,
now that we do have that,

so we absolutely were!

It's our now! Yay! My second
husband's gonna be a bridge!

I think, now that
we do have gay marriage,

which is just 'marriage', by the way,

we should do what has always been
demanded of us as a community.

There's a specific stereotype
of gay men particularly

that we're gonna take something
and we're gonna give it a makeover!

♪ Things just keep getting better! ♪

Do they?

But now, I think we can take marriage

and we can flip it,
like a dilapidated townhouse

and sell it for double the price.

'Cause, I think,
weddings particularly...

As we plan our wedding,
the more I realise

weddings are very same-samey.

If you look at a picture of
your parents getting married,

and a picture of

your great-great-grandparents
getting married

it's the same fucking photo,
just the shoulder pads

are oscillating wildly
as the years go by.

So we're gonna shake it up
a little bit.

Like, first of all -
this is what I think -

take all the gender stuff out,
no more gender stuff in weddings.

I don't wanna be given away by my
father. Doesn't make sense to me.

This is what I want. You do your own
thing but this is what I want.

I wanna be given away by all my exes,
just like all of them.

Like, in a row, like,
"Bye, boys and one girl! Bye!"

"How's this for commitment issues?"

Like, maybe...maybe not my exes

but just someone
that's wronged me in some way.

I just think weddings need to be
about REVENGE! Like...

It's not enough for me
that it's just my day.

I need it to be NOT someone's day.

Feels pretty good, pretty safe.

I was thinking about it a lot.

My parents, they got married
in a church, or so they say.

I think a lot about that.

You need to be
quite a good liar to be a parent.

It just changed
the context of my parents.

Everything you know about them
is what they've told you.

It's the only relationship
you treat that way.

You're like, "Yep. I trust you.
This all seems fine."

Have you ever been
at a family function

and your mum's
best friend from school

is telling a story about the old days

and you see your mum go,
"Shh! Not that one!"

Like, oh, what was that all about?!

You push her on it later
and she's kinda like, "Oh,

"I was the dictator of a small island
nation for a few years."

"It was the early '90s.
Everyone was doing it!"

I dunno, I think parents...

The more my friends become parents,
the more you realise

in any other context, the things
that my friends that are parents do

would make them bat-shit insane.

Because they're parents, people go,
"Oh, yeah, this seems right."

Everyone in this room, in this city,
in this state, in this country,

in the globe, every single person
in your family home,

there is a photo album
that is full to the brim -

to the brim! -

of pictures of you and, like,
a smattering of your cousins

naked in a bath.

What's that about?
Like, why are they there?

I'd like to be a parent. When's
that gonna snap over in my head?

Well, all the kids are here.

Should we nude 'em up,
pop in the bath, take some photos?

Let's get the neighbours kids
in there. They won't mind.

Let's keep those photos
for years and years

and systematically bring them out
to embarrass these children.

Think about those photos,
really think about 'em.

There's always one kid who's
a little bit too old to be there.

Do you know what I mean?
There's always...

There's always one kid
with a two-year-old in front,

using 'em as a human shield.

Like, "I don't wanna be here, Mum!
This is weird!"

"I wanna play Tony Hawk on my PS1"

Feels more of a sense memory for me,
than anything else.

I know. Parents do weird things.
I was at a...

I was going through a storage unit
with my mother recently.

We've spoken since. And, er...

On a side note,

I think storage units are the most
grown-up thing you can have -

storage units and coasters.

I used to think coasters were
this dumb-as-shit thing you had

to protect the table from the cup.

Oh, the table's scared of the cup.
Harden up, table.

But now, I think about it,
as I plummet into my 30s,

we bought coasters and I'm like,
no, no, they're not just coasters.

Coasters are like a social weapon.

The feeling I get when
we have friends over for dinner

and they put a cup down on our table,
I just look at that cup

and I just pick up
one of those coasters

and I just slide it under the cup.

You gotta have the line ready
'cause they'll go, "Oh, sorry."

Like, "Oh, no, it's totally fine.
I know you guys have a lot of Ikea."

"This isn't Ikea." Bam!

Right in the kisser...

...which is a type of table at Ikea.

But coasters and storage units
are a very grown-up thing to have

'cause if you have a storage unit
that means you are so grown up

that you have so much shit
you've just accumulated

and you refuse to give it away -
a very grown-up thing to do -

But you just don't wanna
look at that shit right now

so you pay some random
in a weird part of town

to just hold onto that shit
for a while

and every three years,
you open it up and go, "Oh!"

"Mmm..."

Every two or three years
my sister and my parents and I,

we go through our storage unit
and we're nostalgic about things.

We never chuck anything out,

we just pick things up, like,
"Oh, my God. Remember?!"

"It's there."

Last year, I was going through
the storage unit with my mother

and found this tin that I'd never
seen before and went to open it

and my mother said,
"Don't open that!"

I was like...

...is this my twin?

"Is this my twin tin, Mama?"

She was like,
"Stop doing that immediately."

Characters are fun. Er...

And I went to open it again and Mum
was like, "Really, don't open that."

And I could tell.
Mum and I are quite close.

She's a very direct woman and
I could tell it wasn't too serious.

I was like, this is probably a joint,
or something, from the mid-80s.

Doesn't matter.

I was like, "Mum, I'm 28." This was
last year. "What's in this tin?"

She's getting
all kinda weird and worked up.

She was like, "Well...
well, I'm your mother,"

which is a terrible way
to start a sentence, by the way,

"And sometimes...
sometimes, parents do things

they don't quite understand."

At that point, I put down the tin

and started to
wipe my fingerprints off it

'cause I don't wanna be
in a Netflix crime documentary series

called 'The Tin'.

I was like, "Oh, no,
we don't need to talk about this."

She was like, "No, no, no.
We'll talk about it."

"Your father and I...look...and it's
just, look, sometimes, parents..."

And I was like, "It's OK."

She was like, "No, look, it's a bunch
of your hair and teeth, alright?"

Very confronting
in this nice theatre,

more confronting in a storage unit
in your home town with your mother

as a storm brews outside.

Now, it feels like a very, um...
like a parental instinct thing to do.

I feel a lot of people do it.
Put up your hand. Don't panic.

Put up your hand if you're a parent
and kept hair and teeth.

Parents, put up their hands. Anybody?

Ah, yes. You down there, madam.
How many kids have you got?

That one.

That one?

Hello!

Oh, hi. Um...

And, er, have you kept
hair, teeth or both?

Um, both.

Both? Yeah.

Now, that seems to be
the usual thing.

Every now and then...
I tour this show around.

Every now and then,
someone will be like,

"Oh, I've only kept the teeth.
Keeping hair's weird."

It's like...

Listen to yourself, mate.

What are you keeping it in?

A little Tupperware
Winnie the Pooh container.

A little Tupperware Winnie the Pooh
container? That's quite nice.

That's quite respectful, in a way.

My mum, just loose hair
and teeth in a tin.

Rattle, rattle. Um... That's better.

I was doing this show
in Adelaide once

and I was talking to a father
about it

and I was like,
"What are you keeping the teeth in?"

He was like, "It's hair and teeth
so we've got them in an envelope."

And a lot of parents have done this.

If you're keeping hair and teeth
in an envelope,

I urge you to just
put a random address on it.

Pop it in a drawer.

You will not get to see the punchline
of this particular joke

but one day, when you die,
your kids are gonna go,

"I don't know what this is
but he wanted to send it off."

Er...

Then, some random in Coburg,
or something,

like,
"Oh, we gotta move again, Denise!"

Oh!

What's the plan
with the hair and teeth?

What are you gonna do with it?

I have no idea.

You have no idea?

Pass it on.

Well, my mum, her plan was...

She wanted to give me the hair
and teeth on my 21st birthday

but she forgot.

And I don't know
what's more fucked about that,

the fact she forgot or that her plan
was, on my 21st, to be like...

"..Happy birthday to you!"

Rattle, rattle!

"Oh, it's rattling.
Is it keys to a car?"

"Colder."

I'd like to be a parent
at some point.

I dunno. It's very interesting to me.

I've always loved the idea
of having kids at some point.

At 29, I don't think I'm ready.
I'm just not interested in...others.

Er... I feel it's pretty important,
to be a parent.

I don't want a kid like me, though.

I was a harrowing nightmare
as a child.

Imagine this
but somehow stronger and angrier.

Here's a thing about me, a fun fact.

I repeated a grade in primary school.

I repeated Year One.
Let that marinate there for a second.

Like, what was happening in Year One

that little Rhysie
couldn't quite grasp onto to?

Just like a room full of children
quietly colouring in

and I was just licking a window.

Like, I...

It was a public school.
They probably just let me do it.

"Put some Windex in his mouth,
he does the whole school!"

"We're cutting down on costs
all over the show."

I'm not great with kids.
I don't know how to talk to them.

They're very rude little people,
very 'me, me, me'.

"This is my room. These are my toys."

"And, no, I don't know how to make
a gin and tonic. Stop asking."

Get a trade.

What panics me is
I don't know how to hold kids.

You know when
you're at a family function,

you watch a baby being passed around

and it's gonna come to you in
this weird game of pass the parcel.

But if you say to someone,
"I'm not good at holding babies,

the first thing that parent will do
is just pelt a baby at you.

And especially
if it's an older parent,

they say things like,
"It's alright. They bounce."

Stop saying that. One of these days,
bad people are gonna test it.

"Ooh! I wouldn't call it a 'bounce',
Janine."

"It's really more of a thud
and a slither but..."

It's my new drag double-act. Welcome
to the stage, Thud and Slither!

I just... I dunno.

There's an interesting spectrum.
I don't know how...

'Cause the more you say
you're not good with kids,

the more people say,
"You'll be a wonderful father."

I've noticed an interesting spectrum
in my life

and I don't know where I sit.

If you say to someone, like,
"Oh, I'm not good with kids,"

the more people kinda
push their kids on you.

Go the other way - "I'm really
good with kids. Love kids."

at a certain point, they will
start moving them away from you.

Where do I find myself
on that spectrum

where I don't have to hold a baby but
I can still travel internationally?

Do you know what I mean?
There's like...

I've realised
I quite like my parents.

A hush goes over the audience!

When I say that,
I think you know what I mean.

I've always loved my parents.
They're my parents.

Takes till your mid- to late-20s

to realise your parents
aren't just parents.

Turns out there's people there,
with hopes and dreams and wants.

You know, your parents,
or whoever raised you,

like...

Everything...

I don't know what happened there!
Little weird noise.

Ugh...

And I'm climaxed. Er...

This whole show
was just leading to that

and now I'm really tired, guys.

You guys can finish yourselves off,
eh? Um...

That's a weird insight into my life. Um...

When you're a little kid,
your parents are everything.

Anything that happens
is because of them.

There is this total undying love

and then you turn, like, 12 or 13
and something snaps in your brain

and out of nowhere,
you're just like...

"..I think these cunts
are trying to destroy me."

"And I'll destroy them right back."

My parents have been together for
30 years. Such a long time, 30 years.

Mum and I were trying to
get to know each other as adults.

Asked her, last year, like, "Mum,
30 years! How have you done that?"

"What's the key to
a long-term relationship you reckon?"

I shit you not, she just went,
"Certainty," and walked out.

I was like, I don't wanna
read out that book very much.

But thinking about it,
my dad has done this one joke

every single morning for 30 years.

He wears glasses
and every morning for 30 years

as my mother is waking up,
he's waking up,

as he's put on his glasses
every morning for 30 years,

she's waking up, he's waking up,
puts on his glasses

every morning for 30 years,
as she's waking up, looks at her

and goes, "Oh!"

Every single morning.

Every single morning for 30 years

and every single morning,
my mother wakes up and goes

"Oh, fuck of, Sean!"

Certainly gotta get some of that
in my life somehow.

I've think about it a lot. Kyran
and I have been together eight years.

What is the key
to a long-term relationship?

And I think I've worked it out.

All a relationship needs to work,
all it needs...

Not even just a romantic
relationship, any relationship at all

best friends, whatever.

All a relationship needs to work

is one person
who will complain at a restaurant

and another person
who will stand behind that person

and go... ..."Sorry."

And that's...

If someone next to you
just laughed and clapped,

you are not the second one.

Eight years is a long time.

We're getting to the point
in our relationship

where we're not happy to bicker
and argue amongst ourselves

in our own private home.

We've decided
to take that shit on the road

so we go on a lotta weekends away.

Kyran wanted to go camping last year

but I...
...did not wanna go camping.

But relationships,
much like worshipping Satan,

are about sacrifices
so we found a middle ground.

This is how he tried to sell it, though.

He's like, "Come on!
We'll go camping. It'll be great.

"We'll be like Scouts."

Oh! No!

I was never a Scout!

'Cause my parents loved me. Like...

Like, imagine...
imagine going to Scouts.

"Let's send a bunch of kids
into the forest

with a bunch of 40-year-old men
in short shorts."

"What could go wrong?!"

I got this for tying a knot,
this for climbing a tree

and this one for keeping a secret!"

You know
when you first start dating someone,

things in the bedroom
are a very specific way.

The way we word things
have changed a lot.

When you first start
sleeping with someone,

you use sexually aggressive terms -

words like 'cock' and like 'fuck',
things like that.

Now, after eight years,
we use words like, "Oh, thank you."

And...and, "Almost done."
And, er, "Stop crying!"

You know? But now, as...

It's our safe word. But now...

But we've discovered,
I've noticed, in the last few years,

there's codes in our relationship.

We can communicate with each other
in the world without anyone knowing.

Most relationships have this. After
about five years, you can do this.

We have things like if I'm in
a conversation I don't wanna be in,

a thing I do and Kyran knows
to come and save me and vice versa.

Talking to a friend
about this last year,

she was like,
"Me and my husband have that."

They go diving quite a bit
and she was like,

"There's this thing in diving.
We use it out in the world."

"Wanna get out of a conversation,
I go like this and that."

I was like,
"Well, that makes you mental."

Imagine talking to someone
and they were like,

"Yeah, yeah.
Interesting. Yeah, yeah."

Like...

Did you put a hex on me?
What's going on? What's happening?

Are you live Tindering? Like, eugh. But...

We have a very similar thing.
It's a little more subtle, though.

If I'm in a conversation
I don't wanna be in anymore,

I get very, very, very drunk
and say, "Who's this cunt?!"

And that's...

It gets the job done.

We are losing family and friends
but I'm getting career-based.

You notice lots of
funny little things as I got older.

We've got a dog
and I was taking the dog for a walk

and we stopped at a, um...

Ooh! I couldn't think of the word
'crossing' just then. That's a worry.

Broom-broom stop time!

The big metal cube slowed down.

So I can walk
my little furry friend.

She can't talk but we talk at home
and she can't talk back.

And we stop at a crossing

and there was two other people
at the crossing.

There was a little boy on
a Razor scooter and a big helmet on.

Always funny. Never not funny.
Think about it now.

It's fucking funny. Dunno why.

There was a little boy,
Razor scooter, big helmet

and the kid's dad.

And the dad was kinda like
a trendy, hot dad,

er, and I did this thing.

I think everyone
does this subconsciously.

When you see a dad
out in the world with their kid,

you do this thing in your head where
you're like, "What a good dad."

You've got no evidence of that,
no evidence whatsoever.

You're like, "Look at that guy."

"How about that guy, just doing
the bare minimum, you know?"

Just like...

"What a good dad."

"Look at that guy

taking responsibility
for a cum he had years ago."

Now, that's a good dad.

Low expectations on dads sometimes.

And the kid started crying.
I dunno why.

Maybe 'cause it was on a Razor
scooter and it's no longer 2002.

And... Even my dog was like,
"What's this shit?"

I dunno!

The dad did the right thing.
Good dad.

He got down on the kid's level.
I was like, "That's a good dad."

"Mate, you gotta stop crying."
Like, They're mates! What a good dad!

"Mate, do me a favour.
You gotta stop crying."

There's favours! There's no power
struggle here. What a good dad!

He was like, "Mate,
you gotta do me a favour.

"You gotta stop crying.
You just gotta be a man."

I was like, "Ooh, that's a bad dad.
That's a bad dad right there."

A few things to unpack.

First of all, we gotta stop
telling little boys to act like men.

There's a big risk
associated with that.

Gotta stop telling boys
to act like men or be men.

'cause if we keep doing that
and keep doing that,

there's a huge risk that they might
grow up and they might become,

you know...men!

I dunno if you've heard
what they've been up to lately

and by 'lately',
I mean a few thousand years.

And let me...
I always point this out.

I don't mean males, by the way.

I think 'males'
are different to 'men'.

Like, men are a subspecies of males
at this point.

We all know men.
There's a specific thing about men.

I saw a man recently...

I was watching breakfast television.
I dunno why.

You know Australian
breakfast television -

just a bunch of white people
sticking to the plan!

Like, "Oh, we're angry!
Let's talk about it."

And, er, "Reward me!"

And we were, um...

There was a member of parliament -
in a lot of ways...

And he was, um...

They were having
one of those panel chats

where they were talking about
gender-neutral bathrooms

and whether that should be institutionalised

in all public places.

And the member of parliament,
I'll paraphrase him

but he was saying something along
the lines, like, "Oh, yuk! Eugh!"

"Eugh! Gross! Eugh! Pttt! Eugh!
What is someone sees my dick?"

There's an interesting connection
between people that are terrified

someone's gonna
see their dick in public

are usually the ones in private
going, "Hey, you wanna see my dick?"

Like, there's...

Venn diagram.

And there's a lotta chat and a lotta
talk about gender at the moment.

It's a very hot-button issue and
I've noticed it's a hot-button issue

for people that aren't actually
struggling with their own gender.

I always find that very interesting.

I think if you truly
think about gender,

not your own gender,
just gender as a concept...

If you're in a waiting room in
the next few weeks, think about it.

Take a little moment.

...you'll realise, ironically,
gender is a man-made thing.

It doesn't really exist. I'm not even
coming out about anything here.

You can identify as whatever you
want, can be male, female, whatever.

Personally, at the moment, I don't
really identify as male or female.

I think I identify as like...

...like a fun aunt.

Do you know what I mean?

Just like, "Yeah,
couple of white wines before midday."

Like, you know what I mean?

You know that aunt
we all had growing up, a lotta fun

but now, when you think about it,

you're like, "Actually, she might've
had some personal problems."

You know that one?

Thinking about it, why was she always
with the kids at Christmas lunch?

That's weird.

Like, "You ask your mother about..."

You know, so that's me.

I also, on a side note,

people always freaking out about
seeing junk in public bathrooms.

Personally,
I don't wanna see anyone's dick.

I also want to see everyone's dick
but not for sexual reasons.

I just wanna be like,
"Oh, yeah, that seems right."

"That's what I would've guessed."
I don't, um...

Here's a weird thing.
I think about this a lot.

I've never seen a dick pic.
I'm not that kinda...

I've never sent a dick pic,
not to a person or an institution.

Um...
Once Citibank but they started it.

I've never...
All that talk of maximum income.

I've never sent a dick pick

'cause I've never looked
at my dick and just thought,

"This needs an audience."

I've received dick pics from men
and it's always from men

and whenever they...

Am I right, ladies?

Whenever they... Men are pigs. No.

Whenever I've received
a dick pick from a man,

it's never just their dick.

It's always, like...

There's always something else there,
like a household item just next to it

to give you a size ration, I guess,
or like...

It's like they've panicked.

They had two seconds
and grabbed a bottle of detergent

and you find yourself
zooming in on the mils

like, what are we working with here?

What's...

It's a travel size.

Years ago, about ten years ago,
a guy sent me a picture of his dick

but it wasn't just his dick,
it was his dick and his TV remote

and I'll be honest, I fucked that guy
but not because of his dick.

I was like, "Ooh, he's got cable."
I was like, "Mmm! Mmm!"

Doing pretty well for himself.

Turned out he lived with his mum!
Pew-pew!

Full breakfast next morning.
I've never been...

I've just never been a particularly,
er, sexually confident kinda person.

I dunno. All that kinda stuff.

We had a chat in our relationship
last year

'cause I'm kinda very meat
and potatoes, when it comes to sex.

And by that, I mean 'basic.'
I'm not fucking meat and potatoes.

Mmm! I just like textures. Er...

I'm kind of a texture queen.
No, but...

Like, people have fetishes.
Isn't that fascinating?

Statistically, a bunch of people
in this room have fetishes.

I'm always one,
if you've got a fetish,

and you start dating someone,
when do you tell 'em?

You can't be just like, "Bah!"
You gotta, like ease 'em...

I'd imagine you'd have to
within the first couple of weeks.

When you start sleeping with someone,
maybe sleeping over at their house,

they're cooking breakfast
the next morning,

having those inane conversations
about things you do and don't like,

one of you is like,
"I don't like shallots."

The other one's like,
"I wanna fuck your feet!"

Jesus. Alright.

What, like, together or just...? As
long as there's no shallots involved.

Just weird, tiny onions.
What do you do with them? Stir-fries?

There was radio chatter in my
relationship, a couple of years ago,

we might wanna get an item involved,
like a new buzzing friend,

a sex toy, which, I'll be honest,

at first,
I was against getting a sex toy

'cause - these are my own thoughts -
I thought by buying a sex toy,

we'd be taking away a job

from a local, home-grown,
hardworking Australian dick.

I'm patriotic in very strange ways.

But also, if you own a sex toy -
I used to think this -

are you not just thinking about it
all the time?

I'd be thinking someone's gonna
find it. It's in the sock drawer.

They're gonna know I'm having sex,
kinda weird sex.

Thinking about it all the time.

I'd be out and about,
running my errands.

I'd be hit by a bus and my last words
would be like, "My dildos!"

Like...

I don't need
that kinda stress in my life.

"What were his last words?"

You know what? Don't worry
about that. He was very brave.

We went to a sex shop last year,
somewhat ironically.

If you're in
a long-term relationship,

you'll know what I mean.

You go to a sex shop and you walk in,
like, "Ha-ha! Don't worry."

"We're just here
to buy a joke present for a friend

but also, what is going on in here?"

Er, I used to think I was a bit of
a slut, in my late teens, early 20s.

Turns out
I've been a prude the whole time.

Spent the whole time in the sex shop
just looking at stuff, going,

"Ooh, boy! I hope
that never happens to me. Alright."

"No, thank you. Ooh! That doesn't
look nice or pleasant for that man."

In the sex shop...
I've never seen this before.

...there was a wall,
a wall of rubber fists!

A wall of them!

It looked like a climbing wall,
just like...

...every shape, gesture.

Why's that one holding an apple?
Like, why...

I've always wondered
why would you need a rubber fist,

like, unless you're missing an arm,
you know,

and maybe
you're on your way to an auction

or, you know,
some sort of pride parade.

Like, at what point in your life

are you ever gonna have
two arms inside of someone

and just think,
"If only I we'd brought a third."

You know? Like that's...

It's never gonna happen.

I've been trying to work out
why I'm so freaked out by sex toys.

I had a friend in high school.
End of story. No, I...

Black out. Ooh! No, I, um...

I had a friend in high school
that, when we were 15,

she found
her parents' double-ended dildo.

Correct response.

Most full-on thing
I'd every heard in my life.

That happened 14 years ago.

I reckon I think about that...

Like, I'm never not thinking about
that. Do you know? Like it's...

It's in there,
cocked and ready to go.

I think about it a lot
in waiting rooms.

I'll just be like..."Ah! Fuck!"

So full-on.

Like, it's sculpted me
in a certain way.

As a teenager, I was like,
"That is disgusting! Burn that down."

"Salt the Earth
so nothing may grow there again!"

But now,
I'm in a long-term relationship,

and I'm like,
"No, no. That's quite nice."

Like, not necessarily
what they're doing to each other.

Not what I'm into but you do you. Whatever.

But thinking about it, that's
quite lovely, it's quite romantic.

They're in their 50s,
their 60s, their 70s,

they're still doing weird shit
to each other.

To me, that is a really beautiful,

modern take on that scene
in Disney's Lady and the Tramp,

where they're eating the pasta.

♪ Oh, sole mio...! ♪

Like, call Disney!
I've got reboot ideas!

I've just... Maybe Carol's right.
I-I...

Is this a good representation?!
I dunno.

Last year, I was away
for four months, away from Kyran

and, er, you know, we have hopes

and we have wants and urges
and desires

but we're also monogamous
and so I kinda floated the idea -

very out of my comfort zone -

"What if were to have like a, um...
like a Skype situation?"

"What if we were to do that?"

I've never been interested
in having Skype sex, mainly because

before I have sex,
I don't wanna have to do admin.

You know what I mean?
You gotta, like, log on.

Before I have an orgasm,
I don't wanna have to pick

which of these six boxes
has a bridge in it, you know?

There's a lotta work.

Started, like, what do we do? I'm
away for three months. four months.

What if we give it a little go?
And he obliged.

And there's a few rules you learn
the first time you have Skype sex.

First rule - don't start naked.

Narratively, there is nowhere go.

And if you have not organised
a time with your partner,

it'll be quite a surprise for them.

And anyone they happen to be with
at the time.

It's like, "Oh, happy birthday.
I forgot about the party."

"Good to see you guys. See you
in a few months. I'm gonna go."

And also, um,
young people wouldn't remember this

but, back in the ye olde times,
a long time ago, 2007...

Oh, was there ever such a time?

In those days, webcams
used to be separate to the computer.

What a wonderful time that was.

That was the golden era of Skype sex
because you could find your light.

Like, there was
an aspect of cinematography.

But these days, as we know,
the camera is just in the laptop,

it's just there
and you only got one angle

and it's really
quite a tough thing to work out.

The first time you're
trying to work out how you do it,

say, it's on a bed and you're
lying down and the laptop's here,

you kinda lay down, you're kinda
like, maybe, it's like this.

Then, you're kinda just getting
kinda this and that's kinda weird.

You really think about it

and everyone comes to
the same conclusion.

You just really think about it and
after a while, you're just like...

Is this good for you?

And we were doing it
and it was going fine.

Kyran, he was the main bit of
the screen and I quite liked that.

That was quite nice

but then, there was this little
rectangle down the bottom.

And there was me.

And I wanted that to go away ASAP,
as soon as possible

so I clicked on it...

...and I did not have
the desired response.

There was kind of an Skype noise,
like a 'whoop ' kinda noise,

and then, suddenly,

I was the main thing.

And I tell you what, guys, you have
not lived, YOU HAVE NOT LIVED

until you have made eye contact
with yourself...

Just the glow of the screen

and my little, pale body,

just grizzled over Gollum,
just like, ahh!

Ahh!

Ahhh!

And then, the screen froze.
No shit.

I'm trying to turn it off, like,
"Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! Ah!"

And the image is burnt into my brain,

just this picture
of this little human being

just trying to do their best
and be loved

under some pretty intense scrutiny
and circumstances

and I remember thinking

if that is not a good representation
of the gay community,

then I dunno what is!

So I took a screenshot
and I sent it off to Carol.

That's the end of the show.

Thank you so much for coming.
Really appreciate it.