Original subtitles

I can't forget.

Still haven't finished yet. But you make it hard when you're soaking

wet.

Welcome to Detention. I'm Dean Verna.

And you are losers spending your Saturday in detention.

Well, except me. I'm no loser.

Maybe you are.

But you are sitting next to a calculator watch here.

And he most definitely is.

And in this school, we teach guilt by association.

So, just maybe you are.

But especially him.

Have a seat, young man.

You're tardy.

Oh, that's funny.

I don't feel tardy.

Okay, kids.

You're going to spend the next eight hours writing a two -page essay on just

the hell you think you are and why you're in detention.

Question? Yeah, I think as we're all legally adults.

And this is college.

Why is there detention at all?

Other questions?

Uh, yeah.

You know the hooker out back by the dumpster? The one who gives everyone

gonorrhea on smoke breaks?

Uh, does she know that you've been raiding her wardrobe?

That's detention.

Oh. And her name is Melinda.

Yeah, turn it up.

Yeah, to 11.

Teen angst.

Uh -oh.

Hear that, princess?

You know what that means?

That means time to get it on.

You know what?

Why don't you watch your mouth around the lady, cunt?

Thank you.

You're fucking welcome.

Come on, baby, let's just get it on.

Gag. I can make that happen.

Double gag.

For that, I'll need help.

What do you say, champ?

I know you're a team player, but are you a double team player?

You know what? As far as both of us are concerned, you don't even exist.

Well, I guess it's a good old menage a moi then.

Right, old buddy?

Keep it down in there!

Hey, Princess.

Who would you rather do?

Me, or the virgin Barry here?

Who, me?

I'm no virgin.

Oh, sorry.

Clearly a stud like you has done more defiling than Agent Warren.

No, it's not what I'm saying.

I've been with plenty of girls. I mean...

Women. Shit, you picked enough serious to be an honorary member of United Farm

Workers. No, it's just... I don't really want to discuss it right now.

What, are you afraid of shocking her?

No, it's just... This song's totally fake.

But when the barrel was recovered, the only thing left was his right arm and a

Hans Obama mustache.

Wow.

Geez, are all residents of honeymoon, waterfall border towns?

knowledgeable as you are?

No, not all, but most.

But I think I've told you everything I know about the waterfall part.

And I mean, clearly, you're an awesome dude with a cool toot and not a dweeb.

And this memory is totally not fake.

Maybe I need to educate you about the honeymoon part.

Well, this is supposed to be an educational trip, so educate away, baby.

We must have gotten you quite excited then.

That's the way you tell it.

Ooh.

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

Get all

nice and fucking wet.

That feels tight at once.

That tastes good.

How about you get that cock in me then?

Come on then, get inside.

That's so fucking tight.

Do you think I tell a good story then?

I think so.

It was true, you know.

This is a better one.

I'm going to be able to tell this story.

I don't want to get the sack, you know.

Don't go mentioning names.

heart.

on your card.

It's nice and deep right inside me tight little cunt.

I always say this is a position where you can just feel it going straight up

your cunt.

Like so fucking far up.

I love Niagara Falls.

That was certainly Niagara Falls.

Bullshit! What?

That's how it happened.

Bullshit! God damn it.

This is detention, not a haunted hayride ice cream social.

No talking.

And why was that door closed?

Answer me.

No more Hitch Taps.

Get on your asses.

Evening waste, Lloyd.

Blow me.

What was that?

Blow me. You like Saturdays here?

Because you just got another in detention.

Great. I'll pencil it in.

That all?

You free a month from now. Say, Saturday.

Because that Saturday and the one after that, your ass, is mine.

But I'm saving my ass for marriage. Well, bend over, boyfriend, because now

five. Had enough, bub?

Let's just make it a nice round number.

I like things round.

You're all mine for six Saturdays. You're done making things hard for

Maybe you can make it hard for me instead.

Well, your new friends are certainly impressed.

Ooh, he's such a bad boy.

If only someone...

So the thesis of this particular ethnographic film was that they liked

wild. As a sorority girl, do you often find yourself going wild?

I'm not going to get in trouble just because you want to flirt.

Shut up.

Come on, how many beads for a peek?

Shut up!

Show us your tits.

Show us your tits.

Show us your tits. Show us your tits. Shut your mouth, sheep. We're off the

wire. Shut.

Look, I think we can all agree that some girls go wild.

And while a small subsection of those girls are in sororities, not all

girls are... Shut up!

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

Okay, if I show them, will you just drop it?

Show us your bush.

You are a pig.

Show us your bush. Show us your bush.

Show us your bush.

Show us your bush. Show us your bush.

I'm certainly going to pound your ass.

That sounds real tempting, Mitch Gaylord.

You're going to have to get in line behind the dean before you get behind

Show us your bush.

If you get me mad, you're seriously dead.

Seriously dead?

Really?

Couldn't I have a better nickname?

Introducing myself as seriously dead sounds like a character out of a Harry

Potter book.

Alright, I got one for you. How about two clocks?

And I'll show you how you got it. One by me clocking you, and the other you

clocking out.

Okay, two clocks.

It's a little more Dances with Wolves, but I like it.

Tick -tock.

Quit it!

Okay, I'll back off.

Count Jocula here does.

Look, you just stop it. Shut up, Ginger.

This is between the two of us.

Look, you want to get between the two of us?

Come on.

I'm a dirty rubber slut.

Know if you want to put it in me?

You didn't say anything about using a rubber.

Oh, come on, baby. I was trying to make you feel good. That's what you're paying

me for.

How much am I paying you again?

What, are you a cop or something?

Nah, baby. I just want to know what I'm paying for.

Well, $50 if you want a blowjob.

$75 if you want me to deep throat it.

150 if you want a little piggy bank, 250 for around the world.

Stop right there, baby. You had me at deep road.

Okay, baby. Go ahead. Put it in. Don't come in my eye.

Okay, baby. Here it comes. You ready?

You have exactly half an hour to eat your lunch right where you're seated.

This isn't catered.

Excuse me, Dean Brenna.

What about beverage service?

Or am I just supposed to drink this whiskey neat?

Alcohol? On a college campus?

Now that's the last straw. Come on.

Hey, isn't that the flask that Dean Verna took?

So what's your poison?

I fucked poison.

Well, Brett and Ricky only.

Unskinny bop is about me.

You're full of shit.

You weren't even born when that song came out.

Pam and Tommy watched.

So that's why you're here?

Because you lie?

Badly?

Why are you here?

I'm here today because, uh, my old man... That is fascinating, but

I heard that you were banging the pep squad.

It's complicated.

Is it?

Or... Are you just complicated?

I mean, you're put into this box where everybody's supposed to see you like

you're some big dumb jock, but really you're just a super compassionate guy

trying to break through everyone's preconceived notions.

It's a box.

You think you can chain me up like some kind of awesome, sexy tiger? I got news

for you. You can't.

As dean of the Department of Disobedient but Legally Consenting Adults, I've

crushed my share of students.

You're not my first, and, well, ethics panel decision pending, probably

not my last.

All you punks need is a little discipline.

So you think you're a tough guy, huh?

I want to see how tough you really are.

Just like I thought.

Finally.

That's why I'm in charge here.

Oh.

Yeah.

Come on.

Come on.

Oh, man.

Where were you?

If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.

Do you want some edamame?

No, thanks.

I just ate some, mommy.

Want a smell?

No. Ugh, that's so mature.

And to think, I used to consider you uncool, but then you go on without your

stink fingers.

What was I thinking?

And where were we, buddy?

Oh yeah, I remember.

Psst. Wrestling has homoerotic undertones.

Lucky for you, I just ate.

I can't fight for at least a half an hour or I'll get cramped. Why don't you

bother someone else?

Boring.

You know what we need, kids?

Future!

Hey.

Go like this.

Now go like this.

The double shocker.

Breaking the law.

Where are we going?

His locker.

Why? It's where I keep my stash. My funky stuff.

Let's go.

for sissies.

And here is the funky stuff.

A record?

I thought for sure you'd have weed.

Can you see me in the shadows?

Can you see me in the shadows?

Can you see me in the shadows?

Just me.

Dean Bernal will eat you alive.

She can punish me as hard as she likes, but you're too pretty for detention.

Get out of here.

I've got it bad!

I've got it bad!

I'm hungry, teacher!

I'm glad to see that some people can behave.

I'm afraid you're changing accommodations.

Upgrading to first class?

But I don't have enough frequent flyer miles.

You really didn't learn your lesson, huh?

What am I going to have to do to put some discipline in you this time?

How about a handy?

No.

You know what you want.

And the only way to punish you is to take it away.

So, enjoy the broom closet, loser.

Hey, that hurts.

Custodial art storage space, please.

So a family walks into a talent agency.

The agent says, sorry, we don't represent Family Act.

The mother says, if you'd only see our act.

Did you just hear something?

No.

A backwards clown suit with a blue ribbon zucchini in one hand and a Neo

Zoom dildo in the other.

I definitely heard something.

The aristocrat.

What in the hell is going on in here?

I was in my office, and I heard a hubbub. A hubbub? Yeah, a hubbub.

What are you giggling about?

Nothing.

Nothing. I was just commenting on your awesomeness.

Say, buddy.

Could I borrow a copy of generic funky music for dance montages?

You know, someone might start getting some nicer answers if you started using

pleases and thank yous.

Keys to the AV.

Um... Now.

Pretty please?

You know, the audiovisual club is not a right, it's a responsibility.

Teen eggs.

I'm here because I ate the class banana.

Teacher thought I was trying to be funny.

Sexuality 101.

Turns out it was the banana they use to practice rolling on condoms.

Explains why it was so chewy.

I still taste sperm inside every time I swallow.

I'm here for tapping some ass.

Lisa Lester and her friends Lori and Leslie.

Their asses were all tapped. The whole ass tapping incident.

That was you?

It was after the game.

And I was the only one left in the locker room.

That's when Lisa, Lori, and Leslie stopped by to congratulate me.

That was an awesome game.

Even though we totally lost.

We still wanted to thank you.

Is there any way that we can... Well, actually, your support's a thank you,

though. Is there any way we can thank you other than jock support?

Nah, I gotta go do a few cool -down laps, but thanks anyways.

Aww.

And then I thought of what my old man would say.

So I'm being cheerleaders whenever you get the chance.

Actually, wait.

Thank you.

Oh.

You can open your mouth.

Oh.

Hmm.

Sit right on that fat cock. Oh yeah.

Attention!

My old man flipped when he found out.

Yelled at me.

Spanked me in front of the whole team.

Even the mascot.

Skipping.

Fighting cock.

Sounds like your old man and my old man should go in on group therapy rates

together.

Teen angst.

What would you do for a million dollars?

Who would you do for a million dollars?

Who would I do for a million bucks?

I'd do one of those pro volleyball girls.

If they're calling tan, they could spike my balls any day of the week.

You're missing the point, though. What do you mean?

That'd be awesome.

I'd fuck a hot chick.

And I get a million bucks.

The point is, who would be so awful that they'd have to pay you a million

dollars to fuck up?

Oh, okay.

I'd fuck one of those female bodybuilders.

Yeah, those dudes are awful.

What? What do you mean? They're super hot.

I mean, of course you'd want the million bucks up front, you know, just in case

she broke your spine while she was fucking you.

I will never understand jocks.

I'd screw the dweeb over here.

Ugh, yuck.

Hey, I'm right here.

Do you have any idea how gross that is?

Hey, that hurt.

First, I'd handcuff him.

Then, I'd fuck him in the ass with a strap on.

And when I made him cum, and I know I could make him cum, I'd force him to eat

my sticky pussy meat.

Stained panties.

Tempting, but no thank you. I'm a vegan.

That is fucked up.

Who would you do?

I don't really want to play anymore.

You started it. You have to play.

Would you fuck the janitor?

No way.

What about Dean Burnham? Would you fuck her?

Ew, her?

Who the fuck would you fuck then?

God, why am I even answering this? I mean, I don't have to divulge my

to just a group of strangers.

Strangers?

Strangers? We're detention, buddy.

Are you made of stone?

Did our montage shenanigans mean nothing to you?

Yeah, come on, just tell her. I mean, just open up.

Princess.

I guess I do just about anybody because I'm a big old slut.

You and every other girl at this college, this is the place to experiment

sexually, whatever.

You asshole. You're a shit.

It's a trap.

If you don't like sex, you're a prude.

If you hang out in alleys and...

Fuck homeless guys in exchange for cheap whiskey and shopping carts.

You're a whore.

That's so true.

I don't have time for another montage, so I'm going to get back to the closet

before the dean finds out that the brooms are hanging out alone.

See you later.

Later, man.

Rock, paper, scissors.

All right.

All right. Ready?

One, two, three.

What the hell is that?

What's that?

A dildo.

There's no dildos in rock, paper, scissors.

Huh. Well, I guess I'm disqualified then.

Yeah. But it's interesting. You picked paper. That must be a sign.

Let me know if you need any help with that.

I knew I should have went with live long and prosper.

Well, that's my cue.

There's a broom closet with my name on it

Hi

that hard fucking cock.

You big fucking jock.

I bet you always wanted this to end. You never admit it, though.

Please slide that cock in my mouth. Eat me the dick.

Thank you.

We can talk a little bit.

Lick my fucking dirty little poop chute, come on.

Oh, yeah.

You like to lick the dirty hole, don't you?

Fucking spit on my cunt.

Oh yeah, shove that dick back inside.

Fucking cum on my mouth.

Fuck yeah, I want you to fucking cum all over me. I want that fucking jizz all

over my fucking ass. Come on.

Show me how much you really like me.

Fucking cum all over me, please.

I just want to feel that fucking hot cum on me.

Come on.

Come on, my little cute goth ass. Come on, fucking like that shit.

You're such a bad boy. Get all that fucking cum all over me.

Come on, you fucking whore.

Oh, yeah.

Give me that fucking jizz, please.

Don't you forget about me.

So.

Are you really a badass?

Or are you just pretending to be tough until the right girl comes along and

shows you that she can love you no matter who you really are?

You want the truth?

The truth.

I'm really a very well guy.

Good.

Stay right here.

I don't even dare.

There's something I want to show you.

What are you doing?

You know what I want to tell you?

usually do this with God.

Sure.

Tight belt.

I need to go thrift

shopping with me soon.

Gotta get over this shit.

I'm gonna hide for a minute.

Fucking good.

Thanks for next week.

Yeah, but you're a bad girl now.

I think bad girls do it too.

Brain,

if I could kiss you, I would.

Go on.

Get.

Wow.

See you next weekend.

Do pearl earring?

I can't.

Sure you can. I think it's a fair exchange for the necklace that you gave

earlier.

Dear Dean Verna, we still think it's nuts to have detention in college.

And we thought you were crazy to think that we'd get anything out of it.

But we did.

We learned that there was one thing that could bring us all together.

That.

Sincerely yours, The Fuckfest Club.

But you may...