Original subtitles

Well, once upon a time in the West, there was a dude, the dude, by the name

Jeff Lebowski.

If ever there was a man to come out of Hollywood that was a product of his

generation, his landscape, loose women, and his enormous bowling balls,

then it was Jeff Lebowski.

At least, that's what his parents called him.

But he just went by the name, the dude.

Sure. Down in my neck of the ranch, the dude could pass as the name of a gay

dance club in downtown Amarillo.

But in this case, to part this case from the case, it's not.

The dude was a man, a man who seemed to have everything that he needed, or at

least he tolerated everything that he lazily came across.

In this way, the dude abides.

But then again, if you had a gift like the dude had, you would have probably

abided too.

You see, the dude was a laid -back fella, mainly because of his large size

his, um, how do I say this, that person. You see, the dude had an extremely

large Johnson, and despite there being other folks by the name of Lebowski out

there, some handsomer, some more bearded, some fatter, and some more

the dude was actually the biggest Lebowski you'd ever seen.

Los Angeles.

The city that the last action hero protects.

The city that was all smoke and mirrors, but sent the smoke of riding off to Las

Vegas for the 920 David Copperfield show, and kept the mirrors so that it

admire itself naked a little before its Gamora -esque end.

Well, maybe the good folks that live in the smog will keep it from turning into

a pillar of salt.

But then again, I've never traveled around the world in 80 days.

In fact, it's day 16 ,425.

I've only left Texas twice.

Well, maybe all that I've ever had to witness was the dude, his extremely

genitalia, and a parody of the funniest movie ever made about the dude.

And it all took place in Los Angeles in the early 90s, when MC Hammer was just

running out of sparkly parachute pants, and TGIF meant something more than a

place that served tater skin.

Bunny said you got the money. Where is it, Lebowski?

Where's the dough, Lebowski?

Come on, Bunny said you're good for it, Lebowski.

We got our night, Peabrain. Where's the dough?

This toilet drowning aggression will not stand, man.

What?

I don't care how big you are, there ain't nobody bigger than Jackie

And your wife owes him big money.

Which means you owe him big money.

You just messed with the wrong fuckers, Lebowski.

eight pounds from under your ass.

adult cinema, man.

Couldn't you just come on the rug instead?

Do you like that show, Lebowski?

You see what happens when you fuck with Jackie Treehorn?

We fuck with you.

Actually, it looks like you fuck with her, but I guess when it comes to coming

on my tapes, it's all semantics.

And why do you keep calling me Lebowski? I'm not Lebowski.

I'm the dude.

Whatever, Lebowski. Take it up with the big guy your wife owes money to.

My wife?

My fucking wife?

Do I look married to you?

The scene is up.

Your friend just splooted all over my corner library, which I keep out in the

open. See?

Cockfighting slut from Barstow, number 64.

Fuck me before my pussy falls off, number 43.

Look who's cocking.

Bullying or 17.

Law jamming.

Guess how it goes, Sel.

Clearly it's a cock warmer for you and two of your tiny friends.

Merry fucking Christmas.

Hey, Benny.

What? You sure this is the guy Bunny said was supposed to be loaded?

Oh, shit.

Crap.

What do you think?

I think he's a fucking unemployed hippie.

Disgraceful.

A big unemployed hippie. Hey, man. You come into my fucking house and soil my

dirty movies like a marmot in heat, and I'm a fucking disgrace?

Bum.

Thanks for wasting our time, you big dick.

Knocking down those pins tonight like they were cocks.

Mark it, dude.

Those are your tapes.

Yeah, they really tied my porn collection together, man.

Those were your tapes, dude.

What'd they really do, dude?

Donnie, what the fuck?

What the fuck what? Donnie, what the fuck were you doing when the dude was

telling the story?

I was knocking down pins like they were cocks.

Yeah, but you used that analogy already.

Walter. What? Walter. What?

What are you getting at, Walter? What I'm talking about is those hardcore VHS

tapes that really tied your collection together. And these motherfucking, these

motherfucking... Your porn collection tapes? My tapes.

Donnie, you are out of your element.

Dude, they came on your goddamn pornos.

What am I supposed to do, Walter?

And Orient will splooge all my tapes.

How do I track him down for a bill? Call the Orient until they pick up the

phone?

Fucking A, Walter.

Fucking A, dude. And this aggression and, you know, splooge is still a bit

taboo. You might want to use a more preferred term like spoo, gunk, goo,

In and out.

Shut the fuck up, Donnie. This isn't Amsterdam. There are rules in court.

We're not talking about an editorial for Kinsey Cordley magazine.

This is a white stain on my new hardcore tape.

A white stain, dude? Donnie, you are out of your element.

And the splooge is the element.

And it's not who made it, but it was who the Oriental cock in question was aimed

at. It was aimed at the girl on the tape, right, dude?

Just shut the fuck up, Donnie.

But who was it aimed at? The other Jeffrey Lebowski. The rich one.

You can find him, no problem. And he's as rich as everybody says he is. He's

one that Johnson was aimed at.

Johnson? Johnson?

And his wife owes the money. Not you.

Not me.

Yep.

That's right, dude.

You find this guy and your scrooge stain problem will be removed.

So we find this rich Lebowski, cocks are flying tonight, and get him to clean or

replace my movie collection.

Plus any splashback that landed on my rug.

Spluge on your fucking pornos, dude.

As well as Mr. Lebowski's many crowning achievements.

Ah, yes, and this is the key to the city of Chatsworth.

Given to Mr. Lebowski just two years ago in recognition of his 12 ,000th beta

video porno purchase.

Beta? Really? Yes, beta, really. Mr. Lebowski believes that beta will be

a comeback as well as soon as his ability opens. Is this him with Urkel?

Yes, it is him with Urkel, sir.

And that's Mr. Lebowski on the right.

Yes, that is correct. That is Mr.

Lebowski to the right, and this black, dorky -looking gentleman is Mr. Urkel.

Oh, he's a cripple, huh?

Mr. Urkel, no. Mr. Lebowski, however, and we prefer the term erectly

dysfunctional. This photo was taken during a live taping of TGIF.

Mr. Lebowski was fortunate enough to meet Belki, but unfortunately for Mr.

Lebowski, Belki only allows this photo to be taken with his cousin Larry.

Urkel's pretty good.

Yes, Urkel's question is amazing.

Amazing TV star. I'm sure a future TV viewing will be very flattering for him.

Who the fuck are they? Oh, they are Mr. Lebowski's achievers.

I bet they achieve all right.

No, I don't think you understand. I bet they help him achieve an orgasm.

But they're not floozies that Mr.

Lebowski canoodles with. These girls are underprivileged college schoolgirls.

Uh -huh.

I don't think you understand.

Since he throws the college, he's paid their tuition and fees.

Yeah, but they're still sexy little schoolgirl sluts, aren't they?

No, I'm sure he's never.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I forgot that whole erection.

Erectile dysfunctional, yes.

Yeah, well, you know what? If they need help in that department, you tell them

to call me, and I'll educate them on sucking and fucking the dirty pig once.

Sir, I'm sure that... Or I could just take some bowling.

Oh, my.

You know, a bowling scholarship in this day and age would...

Professional bowling being what it is.

Hmm.

So.

You have a VHS porn collection.

And it got inseminated on by some Orientals.

Lots of porn is inseminated on in that part of the world.

Typically, it's pixelated.

I'm not going to waste my time today, sir, teaching you about Japanese

So those porno tapes included a brand new VHS copy of Fuck Me

Before My Pussy Falls Out, number 64.

And the rest was prized jerk -off material.

VHS tapes do not impress me, sir.

Yeah, and there may have been some jizz and splashback on my rug.

Yes, yes. You got some ejaculate on your VHS tapes.

So what?

Everybody knows beta's the wave of the future.

But they came on my tapes.

Did I ejaculate on your tapes?

No, clearly you can because you have that erectly defuncted thing going on.

So, how does one jump from an oriental couple leave sex stains on your VHS

to... The man with the money owes you something for free. I'm not trying to

something for free.

It was just one oriental. Are you employed, Mr. Lebowski?

Does watching porn and bullying count?

Wait, let's get something straight.

I'm not Mr.

Lebowski. You're Mr.

Lebowski. I'm the dude.

So that's what you call me.

That or Mr.

Porno Collection, the VHS dude.

Dirty Duder?

El Senor Pornografica?

You don't go around looking for a job dressed like that, do you, sir? Looking

like you follow fish on tour in the middle of the day?

Is it lunchtime already?

What are you guys having?

Sandwiches?

I have an incredible beta collection out back that needs alphabetizing, so if

you don't mind... No, dude definitely mind.

This VHS aggression will not stand, man.

I mean, your wife clearly owes money to someone who likes to fuck up people's

personal VHS porn movies.

My wife, sir, you will not mention in my presence. I do hope that's abundantly

clear. Yes, she has some problems. Between you and I, she borrows just a

too much money. But that's not my problem and certainly not your problem,

hope that is clear to you. We don't pass blame around like some hippie circle

jerk lube. Oh, no, we certainly do not. I do not blame those Orientals in

Vietnam for splooging all over me and causing me my erectile dysfunction.

No, sir. And you, sir, must take blame for your own splooge stains.

Dear God.

Forget about it.

That's right, head on home to more of your unemployed rituals, like jacking

to more parody porn, perhaps, or smoking a bomb so you can forget about all your

responsibilities. You're nothing but a bomb.

Your revolution is over, Mr. Lebowski.

Condolences from Beta Tapes. We had just lost.

How did the meeting go?

Great.

The old man told me to take any porno in the house.

And none of that beta shit.

VHS only.

Thank you for coming by, dude.

Yeah, I'll stop by next time I'm in the neighborhood.

I never need a giant house.

Are you a town man?

What? I saw your pile of movies.

You have a copy of Pussy starring Bessie Malkin?

Oh, yeah.

Guess I'm in to beat.

Or anything else attached to an attracting young lady?

About Pat Deft being in the bone?

Never mind.

Are you going to throw in my cup? I drank with them.

Our guest doesn't have time for any blowing, Mrs. Lebowski.

Mrs. Lebowski? Oh, you want to be Bunny?

For a thousand dollars, I'll blow you like a French horn.

You mean a world quarter?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Bunny and her fabulous jokes.

It'll be a hundred extra rounds.

Thousand.

One. Hundred.

Dollars. One little thousand.

Just forget it here.

You are really big.

Gets bigger.

Oh.

Hi.

if one's genitalia is forbidden by the rules of the lifetime.

Mr. Lebowski.

Brant again.

If you're avoiding my content to the porno tapes, then fear not.

Those tapes are not a problem.

Just please call me back and I will send a limo for you.

So, continue the story, dude.

So there's this cripple Lebowski's wife, Bonnie, and she's been kidnapped.

Yep. And they want you to make a ransom payment of a million dollars because

they think it's the same guys who ejaculated on your tapes?

Fuckin' A.

Who do you think I can identify them?

Are you gonna get some dough for this deed?

Yeah.

I don't even have to give back the porn tapes.

As you shouldn't.

And the guy's gonna give me 20 grand, man.

Wow, he said that?

Yeah.

He even gave the dirty dooder this pager so they can page him when it's time to

hand out the bread to the kidnappers.

Well, what if it's on Shomer Shabbos?

Hey, what's, uh, Shomer Shabbos?

Kidnapping plots. Do not start and stop at your convenience, you miserable

Johnson.

Dude, what's a Johnson?

Anyway, she probably kidnapped herself.

Huh? What the fuck's he talking about, Walter?

Young hot wife plus rich cripple guy equals trophy wife.

Am I wrong?

Fucking A, dude.

Fucking A.

Those motherfuckers. There were girls like this all over the Mekong Delta, and

they would go out, find guys with money, and leech on until they were bled dry.

They were prostitutes, Walter.

You put some Vietnam hooker during the war, and now you're trying to compare it

to this kidnapping.

Dude, you know, hooker is not the preferred nomenclature.

Fucking Jesus Quintana.

Motherfucking good fucking roller, man.

Yeah, but he's a sodomizer, dude.

Huh? Really.

Certified sodomizer.

Bowling League and Chino threw him out because he was having anal sex with the

league commissioner's wife in his very own trophy room.

You want to fuck with the Jesus?

yeah who is walter the uh... battle about the or the guy that wants to do

bj shut the fuck up donnie

All right.

Oh.

Oh, man.

Oh my God.

Huh.

Okay, good then.

Are you ready to be fucked up the ass, man?

I hear you rolled your ways into the finals.

Me and Liam are going to rape your asses all over the alley.

Yeah?

Well, that's just, you know, like your opinion, man.

Let me tell you something, Gordo.

You try to whip your dick out with me on one of our games?

I take that shit from you and I fuck you in your own ass with it until it goes

pop.

Jesus.

Jesus?

That's right, man.

Nobody fucks with a Jesus unless they want it in a culo.

Come on, Leon.

Fucking sodomizer, dude.

Who will stop me? You and what army?

George loves Bush.

My big gun's gonna do it.

Well, I've seen the power of your Norman Schwarzkopf. And I'm prepared to fight

you in any battle you challenge me in.

Well, I challenge you to a gulp war.

Ech. A gulp war?

What is this you speak of?

The rules are simple.

We're gonna stick our missiles down this girl's throat.

Until she goes gulp. And then, we have a fuck -off to see who wins.

I accept your challenge, George Lovesbush.

Yes.

Oh, this is good.

I'll take a look at my hair.

I don't think you have anything.

Oh, my God.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh. Uh -huh.

Oh, fuck.

He's lost my rival now.

Professor! Professor!

It's all over my face.

I need to do it again.

Better than all my help.

This side, 40 Rock.

Well, the dude was out like a light.

He was about to enjoy a dream that I bet you would enjoy if you'd dreamt it.

In fact, I kind of think I'm going to go home and enjoy this dream now.

Hope it doesn't have any cursing in it.

Oh, and by the way, before you start getting all your panties in a bunch,

the girls and dudes dream get the panties off, like a nihilist missing a

turning as she attempts to walk straight, sometimes stories that you

unexpected turns.

So for now, forget about botched handoffs, henchmen hiring pornographers,

the eagles. And just abide, dudes.

Abide.

Oh my god.

Let me just use your fucking... Aw, yeah, you dirty girl. You dirty girl.

Try to whip your dick out with me on one of our games? I take that shit from you

and I fuck you in your own ass with it until it goes pop.

Until it goes pop.

Until it goes pop.

Fuck tapes.

Oh, my fucking fuck tapes.

Is that my robe?

Hello, Mr. Lebowski.

My name is Ma Lebowski, and I'm the one who took your coitus tapes.

Coitus? I'm sorry for that knock on the jaw, but I had to make sure you were not

going to stop me from taking back my tapes.

Your tapes?

Yes.

They were a gift from my mother.

And they were not my father's to give.

Hold on, let me explain something about those tapes.

Those tapes are... Would you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?

You mean the physical act of love?

Yes, I would like some too. But first, I have something very important to show

you.

I know that my father hired you to deliver the ransom for my stepmother,

Oh yeah?

Yes. She is a nymphomaniac.

Whereas we would like to have sex, she would like to have sex all the time.

Oh yeah?

Yes.

Bunny Lebowski is what we call in the art world a harlot, a slut, a cock

-craving leg -spritter.

Oh no.

Oh yes.

She is a whore.

You mean a cock... Craving legs better?

Let me show you what I mean.

Hi. Hello.

My name is Petra. Is there something wrong with the cable?

Yeah, come on in.

I'm not really sure exactly what's really wrong with the cable.

That's why they send me.

I'm an expert.

TV's in here.

Ah.

Where's my tools?

That's my friend Sherry. She just came over to use the shower.

My name is Carl.

I'm an expert.

Oh, you must be here to fix the cable.

It's really hard for me to work in the clothes.

It's really hard to watch you work in those clothes.

I think I should take mine off, too.

I'm not wearing any clothes. I'm really hurt, too.

You know what?

To fix the cable, I have to hardwire you two first.

Lay down the cake.

That guy's a really good cable repairman.

Jeffrey, Bunny was definitely not kidnapped.

She's a cheap floozy and not an expensive ransom.

Wait a minute. I thought your father was loaded.

My father took that money from the Lebowski Achievers Foundation.

Oh, no.

Not the hot college schoolgirls.

Yes. The Lebowski Achievers Foundation.

Which I am the other trustee. He took that money in order to free her, but it

not his money to take.

Why didn't he just take the money from his own account, man?

Because he does not have the money in his account.

Jeffrey, I want to make your jaw feel better.

I have a method that is good and thorough.

You know, I appreciate it, but it's cool.

My method is good and thorough.

I'm good good and thorough fine. What is it?

Love me

Huh.

It's very thorough.

It's very thorough.

Yes.

Don't feel presumptuous, Jeff.

Strongly vaginal.

Good.

Yes!

More!

You have some pain for me?

Oh my

god,

yes, yes.

Fuck me, Jeffrey.

Fuck me, Jeffrey.

Put it back in.

Don't take it out.

Don't take your cock out of me.

Excuse

me,

Jeffrey. Excuse me.

Oh.

That was pretty fucking good and thorough, Maude.

Like a great Creedent tape.

Why, thank you, Jeffrey.

Dude. Dude.

So you were saying earlier, before... Your big Lebowski entered my vagina?

Yeah. But you said your father had no money.

Right.

I give him a monthly allowance, but as you've seen, his lavish lifestyle

it up quite thoroughly.

Wait, so your father... Oh, shit. I get it now.

What do you get, Jeffrey?

Dude. Dude!

She never was kidnapped.

Where's the money, Lebowski?

Poor, slutty little college chicks. You are some piece of work.

You never intended to give us a briefcase full of money because you kept

money and filled the ransom case full of your dirty fucking underwear. Isn't

that right, Lebowski?

Maybe. But maybe not.

You'll never know. You know why? Because you're a bum.

I'm a bum? He's a bum? Shut the fuck up, Lebowski.

You're broke, man.

Broke enough to fake a ransom payment.

Keep the money and try to set me up and I'm the bum?

You're really fucking lucky we didn't cover that part of the original movie,

people would really see what a jerk you are.

Why don't you get out of my house? You know, if this guy's pretending to be a

millionaire, I bet you this guy's pretending to have erectile dysfunction.

I've seen plenty of guys have their balls shot off in Vietnam, and this guy

not look like one of them.

This guy can get a boner, I'm 100 % certain.

That's it. Grind him.

Grind him?

Okay. Now bounce up and down a little lap, put his hands on your tits.

Like that.

All right. You know, a few more seconds of this, he's going to be hotter than

Oriental arithmetic.

Walter!

Now bend over, show him the moneymaker.

Walter, the guy's a fucking cripple.

Like that. Just like that.

That's it. All right.

Now, Octoon, baby, show me!

Sir Johnson.

Dude, listen, we're really sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry.

Yes, what?

Yes, you're nihilist. You don't care about nobody or nothing. Just go. Go!

Yeah, I really thought he was faking it.

Sorry, man.

Dude,

I really thought he was faking it.

Fuck it, let's go bowling.

fuck away from me.

Two brews, Gary.

You got it, dude.

Howdy.

Congratulations on making the semifinals there, dude.

Hey, thanks, man.

Thanks.

Good seeing you again, stranger.

It's good seeing you again, too, dude.

Good luck out there.

Yeah, well, you know, the dude abide.

My life was just dames and games, I guess.

There's comfort to be found in a dude's words.

And I rather enjoyed that, especially the part with the sexual situations.

Now, I don't care much for cursing, but I do enjoy seeing a hot little girl

pounded by a huge rod.

And I felted it.

Help make up for parts we didn't show you, like the Creedence music, or the

scene with Walter in the restaurant hooping and hollering. But if not, well,

guess that's why God made sequels.

Ha, shut.

Look at me spouting.

Best stop talking before my mouth gets too tired to enjoy this delicious

jasperilla.

Here's to seeing you achievers.