Original subtitles

Good evening.

I'm steven quincy urkel,

And I will be your host Tonight for a very spe--

Aah!

For a very special Valentine's day episode

Of family matters.

Ah, yes, february 14,

St. Valentine's day.

Le jour d'amour,

The day of love.

All through the cold Winter months,

The embers of romance lie Smoldering in the human heart.

Valentine's day Fans those flames, and--

Whoa...I'm on fire!

I'm on fire! Whoa!

Whoa, huh, huh, huh.

Now, that's what you call A smoking jacket. Whoa!

Luckily, I'm wearing My asbestos boxers.

[coughs]

Anywho, tonight, we're going To present 3 phases of love:

First love, true love, And lasting love.

There's another phase, Begging for love,

But the less said about that, The better.

Excuse me.

Ahh.

Don't go away. We'll be right back.

Welcome back to our special

Valentine's day episode Of family matters.

We begin tonight With the first of 3 vignettes

Which celebrate the emotional Peaks and valleys of love.

Sit back and snuggle up With your sweetie.

And enjoy first love.

Laura, when stefan Sees that new outfit,

Girl, you are gonna Have to roll up His tongue.

I'm gonna try it Again to make sure It fits.

You tried it on In the store.

Yeah, but I had A corn dog since then.

Kelsey, you coming? Nah, I'll just hang.

There's some sodas In the fridge. Help yourself.

Thanks.

Hi. Who are you?

I'm, uh...

I'm...

It starts with an "R."

Uh, richie. That's it.

I'm kelsey webster, Max's niece.

Hi.

I'm richie.

Yeah, I know. It starts With an "R," right?

Right.

Well, hello there, My nubian princess.

Who's this?

I have never seen that kid Before in my life.

Baby.

I'm 3j.

You got to tell me who You are before I bust!

I'm kelsey webster.

Kelsey, Why aren't we engaged?

Probably because We're 9.

Uh, 3j, I need to talk to you.

Later.

I just met the girl Of my dreams.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

She's my girl.

Excuse me. I'm nobody's girl...Yet.

Kelsey. Yes.

Uh...It's, uh, Valentine's day,

And, uh, You know, Will you be,

Like, My valentine And stuff?

Oh, that's so sweet.

Man, your rap Is weak.

Step aside, beavis.

Watch and learn.

[hip-hop music plays]

3j, you've got it Goin' on.

What can I say, baby?

I'm the original

Mickity, mickity, Mickity, mac daddy.

Okay, brother.

It's on you!

[sugar, sugar plays]

[snaps fingers]

* sugar *

* ah, honey, honey *

* you are my candy girl *

* and you got me Wanting you *

* honey *

* ah, sugar, sugar *

* you are my candy girl *

* and you got me Wanting you *

[music stops]

The archies?

You're trying to win A honey's heart With the archies?

Why don't you just...

Sing her The barney song?

Ew!

That was mean, 3j.

Mm-hmm.

[talking to himself]

You okay?

Yeah.

I guess I picked A dumb song.

Although in my defense,

It was a very limited Tape selection.

3j's a good dancer, huh?

Yeah, unlike me,

He's got some smooth moves.

Yeah. Maybe A little too smooth.

What do you mean?

I like boys who mean What they say,

Not boys who say Mean things.

You know, if you were To ask me to be your Valentine again,

I bet I'd say yes.

Wow!

Hey, you would?

Sure.

But you do Have to ask.

Oh, yeah.

Kelsey, will you Be my valentine?

I'd love to.

Wasn't...

That...

Sweet?

It's like That age-old saying:

"Words from the heart Speak louder

Than flashy jive talk While doing the tootsie roll."

Now, on to Our second vignette.

Is eddie and greta's Relationship

Strong enough to survive A visit from an old flame?

If it is,

Then they have true love.

My, my, my.

Greta, you've Done it again.

Done what?

You are the most Beautiful girl In the whole room.

You should have seen how I looked this morning When I first woke up.

My cereal snapped, Crackled, and screamed.

Hi, eddie.

Hey, oneisha!

Hey, girl.

Oneisha!

Hey, everybody, Look who it is.

This is oneisha,

A real good, Old, ex, no longer Girlfriend of mine.

Hi.

I'm greta,

And I'm eddie's real Good, new, and still, Current girlfriend.

B-b-b-b--well, Oneisha,

You remember My sister laura.

Hey, laura.

And--and--and That's my homeboy.

Oh, that's stefan.

Everybody knows stefan.

I don't know her, Though. I don't.

Not till now. No, I don't know her.

Eddie and I used To have a thing.

Well, I mean, Uh, no big thing.

A little thing. Hardly even a thing.

Are you kidding? It was a hot And heavy thing.

Oh, really?

Tell me everything.

[groans]

Well, okay.

It might have been a thing, But it wasn't a thang.

I should've never Broken up with you.

I must've been crazy.

No, you did The right thing.

Uh, can we just Order now, please?

Uh, 4 cappuccinos.

That'll be all. Thank you.

Okay.

You never told me About her.

Oh, baby, I mean, There's nothing to tell.

It's ancient history. Look, I don't think About her anymore,

And I'm sure that she Does not think about me.

Eddie, I've been Thinking about you,

And now here you are On my first night on the job

And on valentine's day.

It's fate.

Destiny.

A sign maybe we should Get back together.

Oh, ho, ho, no, No, no, no, no, honey.

You got it all wrong.

You see, this...

Is fate

And this is destiny, And they're a sign

That you should get Your hoochie butt Out of here!

Hoochie? Yes, hoochie.

Baby, greta, greta. Wait a second!

Hey, hey, hey, Now, now, now. Oneisha.

Hey, hey, hey, Now, stop that.

Here's my number, eddie.

Call me when you ditch Cruella de vil.

Ahh! I will snatch That heifer's eyes out!

Greta, you don't Want to do that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Look, look, let's just--

Everybody relax, Calm down,

And enjoy the rest Of the evening.

Now--now, see, That's a good idea.

Okay. I'm with that.

Laura: alright? Alright.

Fine.

What did you just do?

Nothing.

You put her number In your pocket.

Ho, ho, ho, Heh, heh, heh...

Well, how about that?

Ooh.

I--I don't want this.

Why--why would I want this?

Uh, stefan, you want this?

No, man, I don't want that.

You know, eddie...

If you really cared About me, you would Have done this.

Okay. It's ripped up now. It's--it's over.

You still have feelings For this girl, don't you?

No, it's not over.

Uh, laura, now might be A good time to, uh--

Check out The cappuccino bar?

Actually, I was gonna suggest

We go to the car And make out,

But cappuccino's cool.

Now, look, baby, look, This is nuts.

Oneisha's the one who gave me Her number and kissed me.

You should have told her To get lost, eddie,

And the fact that You didn't showed Disrespect to me.

But, greta--

Just don't talk to me.

B-b-b-b-b-b--greta--

Uh! Baby--

Uh, uh, uh, uh!

Happy valentine's day, everyone.

I'm with an incredibly Special young lady This evening,

And I wanted to take This opportunity To say to her

And everyone else In this room,

That, uh...

Well, greta, baby, You're the only girl for me.

Check this out. Tell me, do you remember this?

* see, 'twas the month Of august *

* on a sunny summer day *

* you were walking *

* heading my way *

* I had no idea What love had in store *

* all that I knew was I... *

I wanted to know you A bit more 'cause You know you were...

* heavenly *

* just like A star wannabe *

* anyway, you are-- *

Did you happen to notice That my boyfriend Is up on stage

Singing a love song He especially wrote for me?

Yeah, I noticed.

Great.

Ooh...

* you look so good to me, Darlin' *

* oh, sugar, when I *

* first heard You talk to me, baby *

* when I first heard You talk to me *

* I knew you were The one for me *

That was so touching.

Ain't love grand?

Well, it's time For our final vignette:

Lasting love.

Carl and harriette winslow Have been married For over 25 years.

Well, when a relationship Lasts that long,

Sometimes a man can take His wife for granted.

Let's watch.

Hi, honey.

Ooh, hi, honey.

Happy valentine's day!

Oh, happy valentine's day To you, too.

Did you see The gift I left for you?

Next to all the stuff I got for you.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, I racked up!

Dang, let's see.

Candy first.

Candy missing.

There was an e. Coli scare Linked to the chocolate,

And I tasted a few to make Sure the box was safe.

You're a brave man, carl.

Hey.

I am here for you, baby.

And these flowers are...

Not fresh.

Well, yeah, um, you see,

I probably had the heat Up on high in the car, And they wilted,

But, um, read the card! Read the card!

Yeah.

"For my wife On valentine's day." oh.

"My love is forever,

"Time without end,

For you are My wife, my lover, And my very best friend."

Oh, carl.

This is beautiful.

Hey, and I mean Every word, sweetheart.

And you meant every word 8 years ago.

Huh?

Carl, I save every Card you give me.

Well, I know that.

And I always mark down The year that you Gave it to me.

I didn't know that.

Carl, you snuck Into my card box

And gave me an old card I already had, didn't you?

Might of.

But, honey, let's put A positive spin on this.

Let's call it...

Recycling.

No, carl.

Let's call it What it really is-- Cheap and lazy.

Oh. Well, now, harriette, That's--that's-- That's a bit harsh.

Harsh?

Carl, you give me A half-eaten box Of candy,

Some sorry-looking roses That are 3 hours away From potpourri,

And to top it all off,

You give me an old card I already had.

Can I open my present now?

Go ahead.

Thanks.

Nice wrapping.

Big box.

Ohh.

Ohh, honey, This is beautiful.

Those are eddie and laura's Baby bracelets.

I had them gold-plated And made into a key chain.

You put a lot of thought And effort into this.

Yes, I did.

Baby.

Because you're Worth it, carl.

Harriette.

What's going on?

Well, sweetheart...

I would like to apologize For my thoughtlessness.

My taking you for granted Was inexcusable.

Would you forgive me?

I don't know, carl.

You really hurt me.

Well, I--I realize that, Sweetheart,

And I'd like To make it up to you.

So...

I wanted to buy you Another box of candy,

But all the stores Were closed,

So I baked you these instead.

I'm sure they're delicious.

And the only flower Store that was opened Was in rockfort,

So I drove All the way...

To get you these.

Oh, carl.

And...

These.

Huh!

Oh.

Ha! And these.

Huh!

And...These.

Ohh...Carl.

You drove all the way To rockfort?

Mm-hmm. I had to pay A toll both ways.

Oh, sweetheart, And, uh...

I made you This card here.

Richie and 3j loaned me The construction paper,

And I cut out the little Hearts myself and drew The little cupid.

Oh, I also went ahead And put the date On the back.

I love it, carl.

And I love you, Mrs. Winslow.

And I forgive you, carl.

Come here.

Well, dear viewer, It's time to close

The book of love For this valentine's day.

Of course, we don't Actually have a book,

But work with me On this, okay?

Look, I'm no philosopher,

But there's one thing I believe with all my heart.

There is someone For everyone.

I mean, for goodness sakes,

There's a mrs. Don king!

Happy valentine's day, Stevie!

Well, hello, My cupid cutie.

Oh, I have A present for you.

Ooh, gimme, Gimme, gimme.

[music plays]

* I wanna be loved by you *

* just you *

* and nobody else but you *

* I wanna be loved By you alone *

* boop boop be doop, ah! *

* I wanna be kissed by you *

* just you *

* and nobody else but you *

* I wanna be kissed By you alone *

* boop boop be doop, ah! *

Oh. Excuse us.