Original subtitles

This better be good Becausei left My archery class

Just to get here on time.

You have to Wear that getup For archery class?

No, I don't have to, But it really throws off My opponents.

Well, who can hit A thing when they're Laughing so hard?

Hello, girls.

Hi, mrs. Winslow.

Myra,

I don't even Want to know.

Mrs. Winslow, What did you want To talk to us about?

Well, this year Ferguson's is sponsoring

The miss downtown Chicago beauty pageant,

And I've been selected Chairwoman.

Listen, it's gonna be Really exciting,

And you'll never Believe who I got To host the show.

Who? Emmanuel lewis.

You got tv's webster?

Oh, I love him. He's such a cutie.

Can we meet him?

Well, of course you can

If, uh, ahem,

You all agree To be contestants.

Oh, well...

Uh-uh. No way.

Well, why not?

Ma, it is So sexist.

I'm not marching In a bathing Suit parade.

Yeah. Who would?

I mean, we have too Much self-respect For that.

I'll do it.

Thank you, myra.

Girls, the contest Doesn't have

A bathing Suit competition.

It's based on Poise and talent And personality.

I don't know, Mrs. Winslow.

I mean, the whole idea Of a beauty pageant Is so played out.

Did I mention That the winner Would be receiving

A $5,000 shopping spree From ferguson's?

We're there for you.

Mm-hmm.

Hi, y'all.

So good to see You all. So--

Whoa!

What are you doing here?

I hear there's A beauty contest,

And I want to let everybody Know how glamorous And poised I am.

Carl, I've got A big problem.

Emmanuel lewis called, and his Flight has been canceled.

Oh, honey, That's terrible.

Oh, one engine goes out, And they panic.

Well, honey,

What are you gonna do? The pageant's tonight.

Oh, I don't know, Carl.

Hey, I might be able To get oprah.

Oprah winfrey?

No, no, no, no. Oprah gonzales.

She works in cosmetics,

And she can whistle Feelings through A lipstick tube.

Well, honey, You know,

You could go that way, But, uh,

You could get somebody With a little style,

A little, uh,

Panache,

And a whole lot Of charisma.

Ha ha ha.

You could go With somebody like, uh...

* me *

Well...

Good evening, Fellow chicagoans.

No.

Well, hi there, Windy city-ites.

Ha ha ha.

No.

Hey, dad. Huh? Oh, am I on?

No, no, no, no. What, what?

You got a few minutes. Uh-huh.

Now don't forget,

After the music cue And the follow Lights dim,

You cross downstage To your mark, alright?

Huh?

When I shove you, Walk to the "X."

Oh, thank you, Son. Okay.

I'm gonna go Check on the girls.

I thought You just did that.

Yep, and I'm gonna Keep on doing it Till I get it right.

Carl. Huh?

The show's about to start. Are you okay?

Am I okay? Ha ha ha.

Hey, honey, Prepare to be dazzled.

Prepare to be stunned.

Prepare to be wowed.

Your fly's open. Oh.

Hey, guys, Sorry I'm late.

Harriette, look, It's webster. It's webster.

Well, uh, Actually, webster is A fictional character.

I'm emmanuel lewis, But you can call me manny.

You hear that, Harriette?

He said I could Call him manny.

Well, it's a pleasure To meet you, manny.

Didn't say you could Call me manny.

Gotcha.

Well, listen, I thought your flight Was canceled.

It was, it was, but I Hopped on my harley And drove over.

I hope you haven't Replaced me yet.

Well, actually, uh-- Of course not.

You're irreplaceable. But...

Well, I was supposed To be the, uh,

The temporary Fill-in backup guy.

I took a few moments To write a few quips From the reader's digest.

I was gonna use them, But since you're here,

You can.

You know, you look So cool in your tux, And you did all the work.

Why don't we Host this together?

Well, thanks, manny.

Does that mean We split the money, too?

I'm friendly, Not crazy.

You know, I still Don't understand

How you can be In a miss downtown Chicago contest

When you don't even Live in chicago.

Well, big daddy owns a condo On lake shore drive.

Since when?

Since I told him I wanted To be in this contest.

Now let me Ask you a question.

Hmm.

How can you be In a beauty contest With a puss like that?

Look who's talking.

You're in the wrong Contest altogether.

The dog show Is next week.

Oh, no, you didn't. Yes, I did.

And get your Finger out of my face.

I will wrap your lip Around your head.

[screaming]

Girls, girls, Girls, girls!

Hey!

Would you please try To conduct yourselves

Like beauty queens Instead of biker bimbos?

Okay.

Okay.

Harriette's right.

In the spirit Of sisterhood,

Let's put aside Our differences

And unite in the common Cause of feminocity.

I agree. All this Bickering is bumming out My perkiness.

Oh, come on, girls.

The only reason why Myrtle is here

Is to make another Play for eddie.

For once, Ham thighs is right.

After I'm certified As a true beauty queen,

Edward will sop me up Like a biscuit does gravy.

Well, I think You better knock Yourself unconscious,

'cause that's Only gonna happen In your dreams.

Okay, ladies, listen up.

You got 5 minutes To make yourselves Beautiful.

How do I look, eddie?

Like you Could use 5 days.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

Ferguson's department store Is proud to present

The fourth annual Miss downtown chicago Beauty pageant.

And here are your co-hosts For the evening,

Emmanuel lewis And carl winslow.

Thank you, thank you.

You're much too kind.

Good evening, everybody.

It's great to be here.

I'm always a little nervous When I come to the windy city.

I might get blown away.

But seriously, folks, I want you to meet My co-host, carl winslow.

Give him A round of applause.

Say, carl, uh, How are you tonight? Excited?

[mumbles]

Uh, you're right. It's time to meet Our contestants.

Here they are, 15 of the most beautiful Girls in chicago.

[marching band Music playing]

You okay, carl? Huh, huh?

Oh, heh heh heh.

Yeah, manny, I'm okay.

I don't think I'm Gonna vomit again.

Good, 'cause I only Brought 2 tuxes.

Here, dad. I brought you Some more water.

Oh, thank you, son.

Whoa, look out!

[playing coming Around the mountain]

Aah!

Greta: what happened?

Yikes, spikes.

W-w-wha...

Waah!

Ooh.

This is so exciting.

Oh, oh, yes, it is.

Is something wrong?

No offense, sweetie,

But your breath Smells like Road kill.

Here, have Some of these mints.

Oh, thank you.

Yes.

[girls yelling]

Ladies!

Ladies!

Ladies!

Shut up! Shut up!

Something fishy Is going on around here,

And I want to get To the bottom of it.

You better, 'cause some Terrible things have happened.

Yeah, to every Single one of us.

Yeah.

Well, everybody Except...

Myrtle. Myrtle. Myrtle.

Some horrific things Have happened to me, too.

Some hussy stole My fake fingernails.

Now I don't know Who the culprit is, But god is watching.

Who are you kidding?

You're behind this. This is just Your style.

What would you know About style,

You bucktoothed, hammer-toed, Hippo-hipped hoochie mama?

Oh, that is it.

Bring it on, You street trash Named desire!

Oh, my stars.

Some scoundrel has planted Implements of destruction In my pocketbook.

Myrtle, did you Do these things?

I swear not, and if I lie, May god strike this spot With lightning.

I'm gonna ask you One last time, myrtle.

Did you sabotage These girls?

No, ma'am.

I--I mean yes, ma'am.

Well, yes, no. I always confuse the two.

Ooh, I...

I'm so, so sorry And deeply ashamed.

I was so desperate To win the affections Of my edward

That I stooped To such chicanery.

Ohh.

Now, now, we've all Done viscous, mean Things to other people

In the name of love.

Thank you, myra, But what I did Was inexcusable.

I shall withdraw From the pageant.

That will be the thing To do, myrtle.

Let me say,

No matter who of you Is crowned queen,

You're all queens In my heart.

Maybe she has Some class after all.

Well, you'd better Get out on the stage.

They're gonna announce The winner.

Hey, the door's stuck.

It's not stuck.

Myrtle locked us in.

Help! Help! Help!

Thank you, everyone, Thank you.

I wanna thank The audience for Coming out tonight.

It's really Been a pleasure And a great show,

And, carl, it's been A lot of fun working With you.

Right back at you, manny.

Hey, I'm finally Getting the hang of this.

Just in time, too. The show's almost over.

And now it's time To announce our winner.

Let's bring out Those lovely ladies One more time.

Where are The other girls?

Oh, they withdrew.

Apparently they couldn't Stand the competition.

I win by default.

Now give me that crown.

Give it here,

And start the music, buster.

But I--I can't--

I said hit it.

[music playing]

Oh, mercy, I've done it.

I'm a genuine, Certified beauty queen.

Oh, it's official. I'm beautiful.

There she is!

Aah!

And there they go.

Laura, laura, It finally happened.

Somebody sent me a letter.

Steve, this Is a chain letter.

So? It counts.

Somebody actually Took the time

To write down My name and address

And put a stamp on it.

Well, just Throw it away.

No, no, no.

I can't break the chain.

That'd be bad luck.

Well, whatever you do, Don't send it to me.

I'll send it to my friend Cory matthews in philadelphia.

Yeah. That way I'll keep My good luck flowing.

I wish I'd have gotten This letter yesterday.