Original subtitles

Uh, steve...

Steve?

Huh?

What is that?

Aha.

Fresh squid.

Eww-aah.

Hey, where You going?

I think I'm gonna Skip lunch

For a week.

Hmm.

* dum dum dee dum *

* dum dum dee dum *

* dum dum dee dum *

* dum dee dum Dum dee dum **

Myra, holy cow!

Do you like my dress?

I can still wear white,

Darn it.

Um, but--but why Would you buy A wedding dress?

Because we're Getting married

Right after college,

And that's only 1,950 days away.

Uh, myra,

Don't you think You're rushing things

Just a smidge?

Rushing? In what way?

Well, you're taking Too much control,

Making a lot of Assumptions,

And quite frankly, I feel a little...

Useless.

Don't you worry.

They'll be plenty For you to do

On our wedding night.

Wh--wh--for Goodness sakes,

Slow down!

I need some Breathing room.

Are you trying To tell me

You need more space?

Yes, space.

I need more space.

Well, take all the space You need, bucko.

We're through.

This is when you're Supposed to stop me,

Apologize, and beg me To marry you.

Well, I'm sorry, myra,

But I can't do that.

I see.

I will not give you The satisfaction

Of seeing me lose My temper.

Listen, looky here--

Looky here.

Huh, huh?

Harriette: Hi, honey.

What's wrong?

Our neighbor, Neidermeyer.

Neidermeyer: Yeah, hello.

Neidermeyer.

Yeah, yeah. Who's this?

Winslow.

What do you want?

Your dog ate My newspaper again.

[laughs]

That dog belongs On a leash.

[laughs]

You belong On a leash!

[click]

He hung up on me!

I'll show That blowhard.

Ca-ca-carl, Carl, wait.

What, you wanna Piece of him, too?

No.

Carl, please,

Come on, honey.

Sit down and cool off.

Carl, you know This feud between You and nick,

Is getting out of hand.

Well, harriette, It's not my fault.

Now you see, That's the attitude

That keeps The battle going.

When's it gonna stop?

When I bulldoze His house.

Uh, ca-ca-carl,

Don't even joke Like that.

You know, You're setting A terrible example.

Yesterday I saw Richie and 3j

Playing nick And carl.

Nick and carl?

Yes.

They were yelling At each other

And bumping bellies.

You're kidding.

I think not.

Well, gee, I--

I never meant to set A bad example For the kids.

Gee...

Harriette, it's just That he makes me So angry.

I'm not gonna let him Get the best of me.

Carl, he hasn't Been getting

The best of you.

He's been getting The worst of you.

I cannot believe That sigma theta

Has its own Beauty parlor.

Well, it cost A pretty penny,

But on the plus side, It keeps the penny pretty.

That's why allison's President.

She's a real wordsmith.

Thank you, monica.

You're welcome, allison.

Why don't you show laura Our computer room?

Computer room?

It overlooks the pool.

So laura, why do you want To join sigma theta?

Well, everybody says It's the coolest Sorority on campus.

Good answer.

[doorbell rings]

Howdy there.

Steve urkel.

I'm allison.

And you're Here because?

To pick up Laura winslow.

Oh. Well, hang up Your coat.

She'll be back In a minute.

Oh, thankee.

[hums]

While we're waiting For laura,

Why don't you And I...Chat.

Hmm, chat?

About what?

About you.

What's your major?

Biological engineering.

Right now I'm breeding A grub worm

With opposable thumbs.

Why?

So it can hitchhike.

That's very funny.

[snorts]

Why don't We sit down?

Yeah, okay.

Wha-whoa!

Whoa!

Sorry about that.

Occasionally I trip over...

Everything.

You're a very Unusual guy.

I am?

Mm-hmm.

I know we just met,

But there's Something about you

That makes me... Tingle.

Well, maybe your Butt's asleep.

I don't think That's it.

You've got charisma,

Style,

Sex appeal.

Something wrong?

Yeah.

Now my butt's asleep.

You know, Our sorority's Having a party...

Saturday night.

Would you like To be my date?

Jeepers!

Well, it sure is swell Of you to ask me,

But I'm not sure if I'm ready to date again.

I'll be here at 8:00.

Great.

Uh, allison?

Can I see you For a sec?

Oh, boy.

Don't go away.

I won't.

I see you found Your date

For our Geek party.

I didn't just find Any old geek,

I found the king geek.

Ahh.

You wanted To see me, Winslow?

Uh, yeah, nick.

I, uh...

I...

Didn't I throw That sweatshirt

In the trash Last week?

Yeah.

Thanks.

You're going Through my trash?

Hey, in here it's yours.

When it's in a can On the curb,

It's first come First served.

Now, what's up?

Uh, look, nick, um,

You know, ever since You moved in next door,

You and I have had A little trouble Getting along.

Well, you're a jerk.

You know, ordinarily A remark like that Would cause me

To reach down your Throat and pull Out your spleen.

Yeah.

Yep, but not today.

And you know why?

You doubled up On your wuss pills?

Okay.

No, no, no.

You see, um, Tomorrow night

Is the big fight On pay-per-view.

It's for The heavyweight title.

So I-I'd like you To watch it with me.

Do I have To pay half?

No, nick.

It's my treat.

What's the catch?

There's no catch.

Just 2 guys hanging out,

Trying to get To know each other.

Wait a minute.

You really wanna Spend time with me?

Sure.

I wanna find out If there's any chance

That you and I Can be friends.

You paying for The grub, too?

Yep.

Whoa.

Okay.

I'll be here.

You have A brain tumor Or something?

No, nick.

I'm just being neighborly.

Thanks, neighbor.

* is l.A. With it? *

* come and get it *

* new york, Are you with it? *

* come and get it *

* philadelphia, You with it? *

* come and get it *

* come on, what You gonna do? *

* my friends all Love to party *

* my friends all Love to party *

* my friends all Love to party *

* my friends all Love to party **

Boys, would you get us Some punch?

Uh, punch, Would that be

The 18th century British humor magazine,

Or the popular sugar based Party beverage?

The latter.

Make up your mind.

Do you want punch Or a ladder?

Whoo!

My god, your date Is a total cretin.

Oh, you're just Saying that

To be nice.

Aah, urkel in the house,

Shakin' his groove thing!

Geek: whoo!

Geek #2: Yeah! Whoo!

Ah, thank you, Thank you, thank you.

You know, you couldn't Have picked a better Suit for this party.

Well, thank you, Thank you, thank you.

You know, I was gonna wear My mohair pants,

But I got attacked By a dog,

And now they're No hair pants.

Ooh, I hate when That happens.

Glory!

Look at that dress!

Why it's so, so...

Tight!

I can almost see What you had For lunch.

Excuse me, steve,

I wanna talk to kimberly For a second.

Hurry back, My princess.

Your prince In plaid awaits.

Oh, man.

What?

I almost wore that Same suit tonight.

Really?

What were you doing In my closet?

Steven q. Urkel At your service.

Hey, we saw Your date.

Oh, yeah.

Allison's a looker.

And get a load of this,

She asked me out.

Hey, so did my date.

Mine, too.

We're dudes. We're dudes. We're dudes.

We're dudes. We're dudes. We're dudes.

We're dudes. We're dudes. We're dudes.

[fight bell rings] Alright, Here we go!

Alright, stay Away from him! Stay away--

Hit 'em! Hit--

Referee: One...

2... What do you mean?

Get up you bum!

You're a bum! Get up!

Get up! You wuss!

Get up! Come on!

Referee: 8, 9, 10! Oh, please.

Oh, man! You believe that?!

I just paid 50 bucks for a 10-second fight.

Yeah.

Better you than me.

Ha ha ha, yeah.

Well, want some Popcorn, nick?

Oh.

Cost you 40 bucks.

Thanks, carl.

Oh, what are You gonna do, right?

Mmm, I like this Cheese flavor.

Yeah, me, too.

But, uh, you know what?

I don't wanna eat too much.

Got a lady friend Dropping by later.

Ohh.

What's her name?

Cindy.

Cin-dy?

Mmm, she pretty?

Is she pretty?

Picture a combination

Of michelle pfeiffer

And heather locklear.

Whoa.

Now...

Squint.

That's cindy.

Nice.

Of course,

Cindy's not as pretty

As my ex-wife,

Helen.

Carl: oh.

You know, it's weird.

It's been 5 years Since the divorce.

I still miss her.

That's too bad, nick.

Ah, what are You gonna do?

It just didn't work out, That's all.

Money problems.

Didn't make enough, huh?

No, she didn't.

See, I wanted us to be A 2-income family.

Helen wanted to stay home And have kids.

So we split up.

Oh, gee,

That's rough, nick.

But--but now, When I see you

And your Beautiful family...

I realize I made a mistake.

A terrible mistake.

That's too bad, nick.

Wanna watch a movie?

You know, I begged her Not to leave me.

I fell to my knees In the snow.

She was holding 2 suitcases,

A taxi was waiting.

It was christmas eve.

Aw, nick.

I pleaded with her, "Helen, no!"

Nick.

"For god's sake, Don't leave me!"

Nick, nick, look, It's columbo.

Wanna watch columbo?

[hip hop music plays]

Girls: whoo!

Everyone: whoo!

I'm sorry, I didn't know There was a party.

I left my book Bag here.

Laura, you came at The perfect time.

We're just About to announce The winner.

Winner? What winner?

We're having our Annual geek party.

Geek party?

We each bring The nerdiest guy We can find.

And the worst one Gets crowned king geek.

Don't these guys mind

The way you're Making fun of them?

That's the best part.

They have no idea.

They actually think We like them.

That is The cruelest thing

I've ever heard In my entire life.

Yeah. Cool, Isn't it?

No, it's not cool.

These guys are people, And they have feelings.

Oh, please.

Look at them.

They're geeks.

[girls laugh]

Yeah?

Well, one of Those geeks

Happens to be A friend of mine.

In that case, You better find Some new friends.

Or maybe you need To find another Sorority.

Oh, you're not A sorority.

You're a pack of vicious,

Self-centered, Stuck-up barracudas

With teased hair And push-up bras.

Hi, laura lee.

Steve, I think We should go.

Are you kidding?

Why, this party Is popping.

And look at my date.

Fox-o-rama!

And I think She's wearing A push-up bra.

Come on, steve, Let's go.

No, sir, ma'am.

I'm not leaving The party of The year

Until you tell me What in sam hill

Is going on here.

Alright, Steve, fine.

This is a geek party.

Well, of course It's a greek party.

It's a sorority, For crying out loud.

It's got, look, Sigma theta,

Based on the ancient Greek alphabet--

No, no, no, no.

Not greek, geek.

Geeks: huh?

As in nerd,

Dufus, dweeb.

Geeks: ohh.

Allison, is--

Is this true?

Um...

Well, yeah.

That's--

That's really mean.

Oh, come on, it's Just harmless fun.

Hey, when you're Hurting other people,

That ain't harmless, Sister.

Steve: look,

I might not be The trendiest Guy on campus,

And I might not even Be the best looking,

And I'm certainly not The most coordinated.

But you know what?

I like myself...

And that makes me cool.

Geeks: yeah!

Hey, I'm sorry, Okay?

Oh, you bet you're sorry.

And the reason You're sorry

Is because you're Gonna miss out

On 153 pounds

Of raging testosterone.

Geeks: yeah!

Hoo, hoo, hoo, Hoo, hoo, hoo,

Hoo, hoo, Hoo, hoo,

Hoo, hoo, Hoo, hoo, Hoo, hoo,

Hoo, hoo, Hoo, hoo, Hoo, hoo.

Say, "Goodbye" To that, baby.

Geeks: yeah!

Whoo!

Hey, eddo.

Want some breakfast?

What are you having?

Corn flakes, milk,

Sliced bananas.

Okay, that sounds safe.

I can deal With that.

Heh heh heh.

Good ol' Corn flakes.

Mmm.

Say, man.

Something moved In that bowl.

Sure.

That's the live eel,

Packed with protein.

Eww.

Steve, ugh!

You so nasty!

Eel!

Hello, steven.

My mother, Frau monkhouse,

Told me you called.

Yes, I--

I wanted to talk to you.

Quel subject?

Well...

If you would agree to be A little less pushy

About this Marriage subject,

Well, m-m-maybe we could Get back together.

Wait one minute.

You think you could Just toss me aside

Like an old gym sock,

And then expect me to Jump back into your arms

The second you snap Your fickle fingers?

Well...

Okay!

Mmm, mmm, mmm, Mmm, mmm,

Mmm, mmm, mmm, Mmm, mmm.