Original subtitles

Ma, ma, Where are my clothes?

I've to pick up greta,

And I can't find My clothes.

They're usually In your closet.

No, mom.

I mean, the clothes.

My black slacks, My silk vest,

And that cool cap

That makes Her eyes sparkle

And her lips pucker up.

Oh, you mean the one

That makes my eyes bug out

And my stomach cramp.

Yeah, that's the one.

Have you checked Under your bed?

Yep.

The laundry room And your gym bag?

I checked there, too.

How about the trunk Of your car?

Ahh.

Good idea. Thanks, mom.

Mm-hmm.

Bye, ma. Won't be late.

Wait, wait, Wait, wait, Wait, wait!

Hold it.

Where did you Get that outfit?

Oh, it's eddie's.

Doesn't it look Great on me?

Why are you wearing Your brother's Clothes?

I've a date with curtis,

And he's seen Everything I own.

Laura, eddie's Looking for that Outfit right now.

It's very, very rude to take Other people's clothes

Without their Permission.

Carl: harriet!

I can't find my "I love donuts" Sweatshirt!

Have a nice time, Dear.

Bye, ma.

Mm-hmm.

Go, go, go, go! Yes, yes, yes, Yes, yes!

Go fast. Yes, boy,

You can run, You can run.

Hey, honey. Wanna watch The bears with me?

Carl, you know I don't enjoy Watching sports.

I'll rub your neck.

Go, bears!

Holy cannoli!

Carl, carl, I've been Called to duty.

My country needs me.

They brought back The draft?

I'm not being drafted, You silly moose.

I have jury duty.

You mean to tell me

That somebody's fate Lies in your hands?

Yeah. Neato, huh?

I, joe q. Public,

Will listen To all the facts,

Weigh all the evidence,

And ultimately Render a verdict

That will change Someone's life forever.

I feel sorry For the poor sap

That gets stuck In the jury box With him.

Milk dud?

The cook county Criminal court

Is now in session.

The honorable Jennifer mooney Presiding.

All rise.

Be seated.

Today we will Consider the case

Of the people Vs. David hayes.

For the record, The prosecuting Attorneys are--

Steve: uh, Yoo hoo, yoo hoo,

Yoo hoo, yoo hoo.

Yes?

Quick question, Your honorable judgeship.

Uh, steven q. Urkel, Juror 3.

Uh, uh, during The proceedings,

Uh, if nature should,

Say, happen to call,

Um, will there be a,

You know, uh, uh, Potty breaks?

Of course, mr. Urkel.

There will be recesses.

Oh, great, great.

Well, I'm not asking For myself, you see.

I'm asking for my friend

Carl winslow.

Juror number 4.

Let's just say His bladder ain't What it used to be.

Sit down!

What's the matter With you?!

Judge: Thank you, mr. Urkel. That'll be enough.

Now let's get started.

You may begin, counselor.

Thank you, your honor.

Ladies And gentlemen,

What you are going To see today

Is an open And shut case.

Mr. David hayes, The janitor at Leahy jewelers--

I've been there. I broke a...

Would you shh?!

...Is charged With grand theft

Of merchandise totaling More than $20,000.

Now we're gonna make Your job very easy For you today

By showing you The surveillance tape

That captured The actual crime As it took place.

Steve: cool.

Is this the one I saw on hard copy?

No, it's not. Current affair?

No. Inside edition?

Would you just stop?!

Hmm.

[bubbling]

Is the bacon ready?

Nope, still boiling.

Hey, how do you make Scrambled eggs fluffy?

I don't know.

Marshmallows.

Yeah.

Oh, what's That smell?

Is somebody Laying asphalt?

We're making breakfast For the whole family.

Who's idea was that?

Mine.

It's just my way Of saying "Love."

You guys boiled The bacon?

Well, sure.

We had to kill the germs from When it fell on the floor.

Sit down, Take a load off.

Wow.

Laura: oh, My goodness.

Uh, in these Eggs here,

Uh, these are Bullion cubes

And chocolate Sprinkles?

Yep.

You know, You know,

Like, Next time,

You might Wanna unwrap

The bullion Cubes.

Yeah.

Laura: mom?

Harriette: hmm.

There are gummy bears In my pancake.

I made coffee, Mrs. W.

It's good to The last drop.

Thank you.

I, uh,

Hope we get To the last drop Before tuesday.

Uh, 3j,

Why don't you go And get me The morning paper?

Richie, why Don't you help him

Just in case he has Trouble finding it?

One newspaper coming up. Hey, come on, let's go.

Alright.

Uh, hey, guys,

This was a really Nice surprise.

I always love it When someone else Does the cooking.

Thank you.

Man, those were Some eats.

Whoo, I can honestly say

I have never had food Like that before. Mmm.

Mr. Bozelli,

As head of security For leahy jewelers,

What surveillance system Do you utilize?

24 hour video Monitoring,

Very latest State of the art.

Your honor, may it Please the court,

We'd like to enter That tape as evidence.

Very well.

Bailiff, would you please Set up the video monitor?

No way.

Why not?

I only take orders From judge mooney.

It's okay, henry.

Go ahead and do it.

Well...

Okay.

[snorts]

[sniffs]

[snorts]

What are you doing?

Moistening my nasal Membranes.

The air in here is so--

[snorts]

Ahh.

...So dry.

[snorts]

Is that better now?

Ahh, haa.

One more spritz.

Give me that.

Hey, but--

Give it to me!

[snorts]

Give that to me!

[gavel bangs]

Judge: gentlemen, Gentlemen, gentlemen!

Do I have to separate You two?

It's him.

He stole my spray!

I did not!

Did too! I did not!

Quiet! Did too! Did not!

Did too.

Mr. Bozelli,

I'm going to play a tape,

And I would appreciate You talking us through it.

That's david hayes Coming into the store.

That's him alright.

Bold as a bedbug.

And that was hayes Leaving the store

With 2 bags of loot

Right on tape.

What a bonehead.

Steve: uh, Could you, uh,

Could you adjust The color?

It's black And white.

Oh.

Well, uh, could you Turn up the volume A smidge?

There is No sound!

He sure is grouchy.

Maybe you should give him One of your laxatives.

So, mr. Hayes, you were Home watching bewitched That entire evening?

Yes, ma'am.

I-it was a marathon.

Your witness.

So, mr. Hayes,

You actually expect This jury to believe

That you didn't Commit this crime,

Even though we all Watched it on tape?

Yeah. That'd be great.

Y-y-your honor, I--I broke my pencil.

I was wondering-- Oop, wait.

I'll get that. Don't worry.

Okay, okay, okay. One second, one second.

Got it. Got it.

[gavel pounding]

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

That's 9.

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Not guilty"?

Not guilty?

Who's the idiot that Voted not guilty?

Perhaps it's unfair

To single out anyone Whose vote may stray From the norm.

All: you!

Hey, hey, hey, Now, calm down.

Shut up.

Please calm down.

Ahh.

Ahh.

Whoo.

Ahh.

I'm turning into A lean, mean babe machine.

Whoo.

Ahh.

[boom]

3j, what happened?

Well, I thought Your basketball Needed some air,

And I guess I might've...

Overpumped it.

Might've?

This is an authentic Autographed scottie pippen.

Now all it says is...

"Ottie ippen."

I was just Trying to help.

Yeah, well, you just Ruined a $75 basketball.

Ah, man.

[sighs]

Does anybody know Who's been messing With my perfumes?

Uh, That'd be me.

See, you only Had a little bit In each bottle,

So I poured them All into one.

3j,

The purpose of having 6 different perfumes

Is so that you can Smell 6 different ways.

Now I'm gonna smell Like an elevator Full of old ladies.

I'm sorry.

I--I don't mean To mess up everything.

Steve,

For the 100th time...

This is An open-and-shut case.

I just think we should Consider everything

Before we send Mr. Hayes to prison.

And that's very Sweet of you,

But the rest of us Want to hang that dirt bag.

Yes. Yeah. Yes.

Come on, You saw the video.

He's obviously Guilty.

I know it looks That way, but--

But what?

But--but I just got a feeling In the old urkel gut

That something is wrong.

Steve,

If you do not Change your mind,

The only thing In the old urkel gut

Will be 11 pencils.

Oh.

All: right.

Just thought You folks should know

If you don't Bring in a verdict In half-hour,

We're gonna Have to sequester you All night.

Ahh. Ohh.

Come on, kid,

The guy is guilty.

You saw the tape.

Videotapes Don't lie.

Right. Right. Yeah.

Wait.

Gadzooks, that's it.

The tape.

Bailiff, could you go To the parking lot

And get my laptop?

It's under the seat In my isetta,

Tell the judge I'll need to speak With her right away.

You got it.

Steve, what Are you doing?

Carl...

I've broken this case.

Videotapes can lie.

After a very enlightening Discussion with mr. Urkel,

I have decided To reopen the case

And allow him To testify.

Objection. Objection.

Overruled.

Proceed, mr. Urkel.

This is the video We've all seen.

Prosecutor: yes, And we've all Seen mr. Hayes

Commit the crime With our own eyes.

Come on, your honor--

Ah, but can we trust Our own eyes?

Vince: hey, that's carl.

Carl robbed the store.

No, he didn't.

All I did Was take a sample

From carl's Vacation video,

Download it Into my computer,

And insert it into the Surveillance video.

Now, watch this.

Judge: that's amazing.

Amazing.

Your honor,

This little diversion Is amusing,

But, uh, What's the point?

Ah, the point is, The real robber

Could've gotten A duplicate Of david hayes' uniform

And robbed the store.

All he had to do To the tape

Was digitally Replace his face

With the face Of david hayes.

Prosecutor: okay, okay, That may be possible,

But you can't prove That's what happened.

Wrong, 3-piece-suit boy.

The robber replaced His face on the tape Coming into the store,

But going back Out the store,

The robber passed A mirror that caught His reflection.

Now, if we magnify

And zoom in on the face In the picture,

We reveal The true robber:

Joey bozelli.

You could've Used your ability To manipulate video

For positive purposes,

But noooo...

You chose the dark side.

Get him out of here.

He makes me sick.

I trust that the District attorney's Office

Will be filing charges Against mr. Bozelli?

Yes, your honor.

Good.

The jury is excused.

The charges Against david hayes Are dismissed.

Congratulations, steve.

You saved an innocent man From going to jail.

Yes. We were Wrong about you, Nerd-boy.

Steve, You stood up to some Pretty heavy pressure,

Mostly from me.

I think that we all Owe you an apology.

Yes. Sorry, steve.

We are. I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

Hey, why don't we Meet here once a year To commemorate this?

Or we could exchange Names and addresses For christmas cards.

Maybe exchange Phone numbers?

I'm in the book.

Want to celebrate, carl?

No. Bowling?

No.

Pool? No.

Square dancing? No!

3j.

Honey, what are you Doing up so early?

Oh, I just had the urge

To get up at dawn

And iron my beautiful Foster mother's clothes.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Ha ha ha ha.

You might be Using a little bit Too much starch.

You are so wise.

You know, I really appreciate

All the extra chores You've been doing Around here.

Hey, just trying To pull my weight.

I been raising children For 20 years,

None of them would do All that work here

Unless it was Mother's day

Or my birthday

Or they had done Something wrong.

I didn't do Anything wrong, I swear.

Please don't Send me back.

Send you back?

Send you back where?

To the children's shelter.

Well, why Would I do that?

Well, every foster family I ever been with Has sent me back,

And I really Like this place.

Is that why you've been Knocking yourself out Around here?

Kind of.

I see.

Come here, honey.

3j...

When carl and I Decided to be Your foster parents,

You became a member Of our own family,

Permanently.

So, you see, honey,

You don't have To do all these Extra chores

To win our love.

You already have it,

And you always will.

Does mr. W. Feel the same way?

We all do.

And, honey...

If doing housework Was the only way You could stay here,

Eddie and laura Would've been gone Years ago.

1, 2, 3...

1, 2, 3...

Feelers straight.

Antennae up.

What are you doing?

Ha.

I'm teaching My water beetles Synchronized swimming.

In a circle, howard.

In a circle.

Oh, howard,

Not in the pool.