Original subtitles

Hey, steve.

Hey, eddo.

Wow, this is the earliest You've ever come home

From a date with greta.

Yeah, well, greta had A cold sore on her lip.

Oh, yeah. Heaven forbid You'd wanna talk to the girl.

We talked, but there's Only so much you can say

About a cold sore.

What's all this stuff, Fireworks?

Ah, yes, but not Just any fireworks.

These rockets are Packed with...P.E.P.

P.E.P.?

Ah, yes-- Phonic exploding powder.

It's a gunpowder detonated Not by fire--

Nay, nay--but by sound.

Sound?

[whispering] Sound?

You don't have to whisper. It's triggered by music,

Namely the climax to my Favorite polka classic,

Roll out the barrel. * roll out the barrel *

Why would you wanna invent A crazy thing like that?

It was saturday. It was rainin'.

Steve, I'm real tired. I got An early class in the morning.

I'm about To get some sleep.

Eddo, I've left Something on your bed

I might wanna get Out of the way.

What is it?

My grub worm circus.

Steve.

[whistles]

* roll out the barrel *

* roll out The barrel of fun *

* roll out the barrel *

* we've got The blues on the run *

* zing, boom, tararrel *

* ring out A song of good cheer *

* now's the time To roll the barrel *

* for the gang's All here *

Carl: oh, steve...

Would you come here For a sec?

Steve: uh-uh.

[glissando]

[boogie woogie plays]

Ahh, I still got it.

Ha ha ha.

[muttering]

Uh-oh, I've seen This mood before.

Donut world run out Of bear claws?

No!

Today was much more fun Than that, harriette.

Today, once again,

A younger, Less experienced man

Was promoted To captain over me.

Oh.

I'm sorry, carl.

Why be sorry Over a thing like that, Harriette?

Hey, I got to go To a party.

There were balloons,

And I got to eat 4 pieces

Of "Goodluck, Larry" cake.

4 pieces?

Well, hey, I figured If I couldn't have The man's job,

I could at least have Most of his cake.

Carl, you should Be happy for larry.

He probably worked very hard For that promotion.

Worked? Oh, p-lease.

The word is "Schmoozed," Harriette.

Larry schmoozed his way To the top.

Oh, he pressed the flesh And worked the room

And sucked up Like a shop-vac.

Well, from now on, I'm gonna do the same.

But that's not Your style, carl.

Well, it is now.

This is my 20th year As a cop,

And I'm gonna use it To throw a schmooze fest.

You mean A little gathering At the house?

Oh, no.

Little gatherings

Are for Little people, Harriette.

And carl winslow Is not...

A little person.

I'm gonna rent A banquet hall,

And I'm gonna throw The biggest bash

The eighth precinct Has ever seen.

I'm gonna invite The commander, Chiefs,

Maybe even The commissioner.

Yep, it's time For me to sucky-up To the muck-a-mucks.

Yeah, but that's Gonna cost a lot Of bucky-bucks.

Not if you're Cookin'.

Good lucky-luck.

Harriette, Wait a minute now. I'm not--

Carl, I don't mind Helping you out With this,

But I work all day.

I don't have time To cook for The eighth precinct.

Well, I'm not talkin'--

If you insist On throwing this party, Then do it right.

Open up your wallet And spend some money.

But...

Hello. Is bob walls there?

Is jim walls there?

Are there Any walls there?

No walls?

Then how do you hold Up your roof?

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Gimme some.

Good one, 3j. Let's call The car wash again

And ask for Anita waxjob.

Nah. Let's go See a movie.

Can't. We don't Have any money.

So.

I'm not sneaking Into the movies, 3j.

Hand the man Some respect here, Richard.

Does this look like The face of a kid

Who would sneak In the movies?

Oh, yeah.

Well, it's not.

This is the face Of a natural-born Money magnet.

This is The face of a kid

Who'd rather wait For his allowance.

Okay, fine. You go See the movie Whenever.

I'll go see The movie today, Maybe twice.

And how are you Gonna do that?

I'm gonna ask People for money

Tell 'em It's for charity.

What charity?

The poor unfortunate Children's charity.

But that's lying.

No, it's not. I'm poor, and that's Real unfortunate.

Ohh.

Ohh.

Wow.

Ooh, tasty.

Ohh...Salty. Ohh.

Guys...

Oh, boy.

Delicious. Oh, wow.

Guys...

Oh, I like The shells.

Guys! Guys!

Yes? Yes?

You two are A little freaky With those nuts.

Mmm.

Oh, boy, highway robbery.

These people are pirates, Every last one of 'em.

What's the matter, dad?

Oh, I'm trying To get a caterer,

And the lowest Estimate I've gotten Is $3,000. Hmm.

Mmm, hiring a caterer? But why, elder winslow?

Well, don't you know?

Carl's throwing A big suck-up bash.

It's called Politicking, steve.

Politicking, sucking up-- Same deal.

Uh, myra...

Uh-huh.

You know, steve tells me That you're a great cook.

Oh, I wouldn't say that. Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha. Nonsense! Why, she packs me A lunch everyday.

Look at this pot. I'm a whale.

Yes. Well, look, Do you think you can Whip up something

For 50 people, Say for $1,000?

I suppose, if I can Charge anything For my own labor.

You'd do that For me?

Oh, what a doll.

Yeah. Ha ha ha ha.

[clears throat]

So, what am I Going to do For music?

Music...

Nah.

Eddie. Huh?

Listen, son, Are you, um...

Are you still Hangin' around with Those deadbeat musicians

I told ya Not to hang out with?

Yeah. Good.

You think you guys Could work up a few numbers For my party?

Can we play the stuff We want,

Or do we have to play Lame, boring Old people music?

Lame, boring Old people music.

Ohh.

But I'll pay ya $500. Alright!

Which I'll deduct From the year's rent

You already owe me.

Ohh.

Carl: laura.

Alright, I'll help Serve the food.

Sweetheart, I was gonna Ask you to park cars,

But that's just as good. Ha ha ha ha.

Carl, carl, everybody's Got something to do Except for me.

What can I do? What can I do? What can I do?

Well, steve let's see. Uh...

Oh, we do need salsa For the nachos.

Ooh, great. Where can I get it?

Mexico.

Hey.

[humming]

Hey, myra.

Well, hiya there, Preteens.

You cooking for Uncle carl's party?

Does my smile Light up a room?

So, uh, why aren't you Cooking at your house?

My mother doesn't allow Cooking in our kitchen.

She says it makes a mess.

Does she allow food In the refrigerator?

Yes.

But it bothers her.

Now, as much as I love You two little scamps,

Get your tiny heinies Out of here. Bye now.

Pepper... Where's mr. Pepper?

[door closes]

[humming gleefully]

Oh.

Bingo--fresh pepper. Ha ha.

This'll give My stuffing some zing.

You're right, vivian. The kids shouldn't Have done that.

No, they shouldn't Have done that.

I agree. They shouldn't Have done that.

Uh--vivian, I gotta run. Someone's at the door.

Yeah, yeah--I know, They shouldn't have Done that.

Whoa. Get over here.

Sit down. We need to have A little talk.

What about?

About The poor unfortunate Children's charity.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Vivian lathrop Told me that you two Were collecting money

From the whole neighborhood.

Not really. A lot of people Weren't home.

You know, It's wrong to take money Under false pretenses.

It's like stealing.

We're sorry.

What did you do With the money You collected?

We used the money To go to the movies.

Okay, here's the deal.

You're gonna do chores For all the neighbors You collected money from

Until it's all Paid back in full.

Yes, ma'am.

Also, there'll Be no movies, tv, Or video games

For a week.

Ouch!

If you Can't do the time, Don't do the crime.

Come on, Let me fix you Something to eat.

Oh, and by the way,

I know about Those crank calls, too.

Boy, you find out About everything.

And don't you forget it. Let's go.

[soft music plays]

[gasps]

Commissioner geiss.

Thank you for coming This evening, sir.

It's my pleasure, Winslow.

Say, this is Quite an affair.

Well, sir, if there's One thing I've learned

In the 20 years Of dodging bullets

And fighting The good fight

And training 7 guys Who've been promoted Ahead of me,

Ya gotta Give back the good.

Huh?

Well, I mean to say Is that, uh...

If you're enjoying The egg rolls And the nachos,

It's carl winslow's Humble way of saying

Enjoy the egg rolls And the nachos.

You tanked, winslow?

No, sir. I'm just Giddy with gladness, Sir.

Good. Where do we sit?

Right over here.

A charm, harriette. It's working like A charm.

It's a nice party, Carl.

The banner Is a bit much...

But people are saying Really nice things About you.

Hey! I'm just kickin' myself for Not thinking Of this sooner.

And you just wait, babe.

I'm gonna be a captain Before we serve dessert.

Chicken--yummy-yummy.

The chickens Have been deployed,

And they're Waitin' to be eaten.

What's wrong, Myra?

I'm not sure.

I was about to warm up This stuffing

When I noticed It smelled funny.

[sniff]

Hmm.

There's something Vaguely familiar About that aroma.

It smelled fine Before I put in The pepper.

Well, let me taste.

Ew, tastes funny, Too. Yuck.

How's my breath?

Ooh. Ooh.

Thank you.

Uh, on behalf Of my lovely wife Harriette and myself,

I want to thank you all For coming.

You know, There's a little story

Connected to How I chose the path To law enforcement--

I'm hungry.

So let's eat.

Myra, where did you Buy this pepper?

I didn't buy it. It was in a cloth sack In your kitchen,

It had p.E.P. On it.

What? P.E.P.?

Why, that Wasn't pepper.

That was my phonic Exploding powder.

These cornish hens Have been stuffed With high explosives!

Oh, my god. Are they Gonna blow up?

Don't worry. We should be fine

As long as nobody plays Roll out the barrel.

Are there Any requests?

Roll out the barrel!

W-w-w-what?

* roll out The barrel... *

No. No. Stop, eddo. No!

Everybody.

No, not everybody.

* ...Out the barrel *

* we've got The blues on the run *

Stay away! Run for your lives! The chickens are loaded!

Woman: oh, my god.

Run! Run! It's gonna blow!

Come on, the place Is gonna blow! Go!

Go! Go! Go!

Go!!

[screaming and yelling]

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Uh...Are there Any more requests?

Winslow...

Do you know how hard it is To get chicken grease

Off a glass eye?

No, sir.

My wife is about To find out.

My office, monday morning, First thing

And start practicing Groveling.

I will, sir. Thank you, sir. Forgive me, sir.

Not bad. Not bad. Keep practicing.

You!!

Now, carl! Carl! Carl! Aah! Aah! Aah!

You--you ruined My banquet and possibly My whole career.

Oh, I'm sorry, carl.

All my inventions Are just disasters Waiting to happen.

[cries]

Oh, take it easy, Steve.

This one Is not your fault.

What? What?

Carl, the blame For what happened tonight

Rests squarely On your own shoulders.

How do you Figure that, Harriette?

You cut Too many corners, Carl.

What are you Talking about?

Carl, instead of hiring A professional caterer,

You drafted these kids.

And let's be honest. This whole party thing

Was just a shortcut To a promotion.

So what? It would've worked

If the entrees Had not exploded.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

Oh, shut up!

Come on, carl.

Glad-handing, Buttering people up,

Impressing 'em With this fancy party--

That's not your way.

It isn't?

No.

Carl, you got To where you are

By hard work And dedication.

And, honey, when you Get that promotion,

It's gonna be because You did a better job Than the next guy.

I'm sorry, Sweetheart.

Steve, I'm--I'm sorry I yelled at you.

That's okay, big guy.

Exploding poultry Can affect The best of us.

Hey, winslow.

Oh, y-yes, sir.

I was thinking how you might Redeem yourself on monday.

Oh, oh, Name it sir.

Yeah. Bring in the recipe For those chickens.

My mother-in-law Is coming to dinner Next week.

That turkey's not gonna Blow up, is it?

[chuckles]

Relax, carl. I made The stuffing myself.

Hmm. Ha ha ha.

Happy turkey day, Winslows!

Are you two going To a costume party?

No. The movies.

Half off for pilgrims.

Ohh, steve, be careful With that rifle-y thing.

Oh, p-lease.

Give me some credit.

This blunderbuss Is fake. Look. Whoa!

Crusty's costume shop

Will be getting A very frosty letter From me.

Not if you don't live To write it.

Bye. Bye.

Now our thanksgiving Is ruined!

Please, carl.

I've spent More than one Thanksgiving

With steve urkel.

I have a backup bird.