Original subtitles

* happy birthday you, Happy birthday to you *

* happy birthday, Dear eddie *

* happy birthday to you *

Yay! Yay! Whoo!

Yay! Yeah!

I can't believe My eddie bear is 20.

One more year, We'll be the same age.

Oh, mama.

Eddie, open your Gifts now.

Oh, oh, oh! Open this first! Open this first!

This one, this one, This one! Open it!

Okay. Okay.

Well, I guess I'll open This one first.

It's from me and myra.

Oh...

A giant rubber fly.

Not just a giant Rubber fly...Silly.

It's also a toothpaste Dispenser.

Look, look, look, look.

Family: eew!

[doorbell chimes]

I'll get that.

Yes? Package for eddie winslow.

Okay.

Oh. Here you go.

A quarter? You know, it is sunday.

Well, in that case...

God bless you, my son.

Boy. Heavy.

Eddie: for me? Yeah.

Wonder what's this. Who this could be from?

Pretty red. Pretty box.

Wow.

Whoa!

A leather jacket!

Wow. Ooh.

Ooh. That looks Very expensive.

I'll say. It's an Antonio milano original.

Who would Send you that?

No one likes you That much.

Well, I don't know.

There's no card...

Just this tape.

Hey...

Let's give this baby A look-see.

Ooh. Am I on?

Oh, have mercy.

Hi, edward.

* happy birthday to you *

* happy birthday To you *

* happy birthday *

* you big, gorgeous, Sexy, virile *

* muscle-bound hunk Of hominy *

* happy birthday *

* to *

* you *

[smooch]

[blowing hard]

Oh, I miss you so much,

You sexy slop-bucket Of sweetness.

Think of me every time You wear that jacket

On your buff, Bodacious body.

I got something She can wear.

Oh, and one more thing, Honeysuckle...

If that thin-lipped, Big-hipped, one-eyed,

Hair-dyed floozy greta Is there...

I've got just two words For her:

"Jenny craig."

[snap]

You know, I--I think There's something wrong With this tape.

No, there isn't.

Whoo! There is now.

Oh, my.

Back to the party. Come on now.

Man, steve, guess what.

The leather palace Is selling this jacket For $1,300.

Myrtle must've saved For months.

Ha. You kidding?

1,300 is chump change For myrtle.

It is? Oh, yeah.

Why, myrtle's rich, Loaded,

Swimming in gravy.

Get out of here.

Oh, no, I'm serious.

Why, big daddy urkel Is worth millions.

Hundreds of millions.

Well, what does he do?

Why, he's only The peanut king Of the entire world.

Why, he makes a penny

Every time somebody Gobbles a goober.

Man, how come you Never told me myrtle Was loaded before?

Eh, she doesn't want A lot of people to know.

She wants somebody To marry her For her good looks.

Steve...

Myrtle wouldn't Look good

Through the bottom Of a coke bottle.

Well, some lucky guy's Gonna marry her,

And he's gonna wind up On easy street.

I'd rather pound A rusty spike into my eye.

[blows out-of-tune Pitch pipe]

* the first time... *

* ever I saw your face *

* I saw the sun *

* rose in your eye *

Aah!

Myrtle, don't ever Use that face To wake a person up!

Well, it has been known To stop a few hearts.

What are you doing here, Anyway?

Well, I've come To deliver the other half Of my birthday present.

Leather pants?

Oh, no, silly...

Little old me.

I--I don't need Another present.

Nonsense.

Now, hold still for some Real southern comfort.

You keep away from me!

No! Stay back!

I'm not playing With you!

You better Leave me alone!

You come here, eddie!

Get along back here! No! No!

You just wait, eddie!

Whoa! Whoa, You kind of strong.

Help! Stop it!

Hold it!

Get yo' mangy mitts Off my precious baby!

Oh, big daddy. Big who-eey?

Oh.

Oh, wherever Are my manners?

Edward...

This is big daddy-- My father.

Big daddy...

This is edward--

The man who hushes My puppies.

Sir...

You have besmirched...

What should be...

Unbesmirchable.

I'm gonna mash you Into grits.

Oh, no, big daddy.

Don't you dare harm A hair on his hunky, Funky head.

Step aside, baby girl.

This here scoundrel Needs to be dealt with.

Big daddy, He is no scoundrel.

Why, this is edward...

The man I love.

Sir...

Would you please Just kill me?

Myrtle may...

Is you telling Big daddy

That you in love With this here man?

Ooh!

Like a hound dog Loves a ham bone.

Well, now...

This here changes Everything, huh?

Well, uh, myrtle,

Why don't you go And sit in big daddy's Little, old helio-copter.

Ooh.

Sit down, boy.

Ohh.

I'm getting too old For this sort of thing.

Sir, let me let assure you That I had absolutely No intention whatsoever--

Hush up!

Now, you know...

Years ago...

When my myrtle may Was born...

Before they called me Big daddy...

Back when they called me Medium daddy...

I said to myself, I said,

"Daddy...

"Your myrtle may...

"Will never have To want...

For anything."

[sobbing]

That's really nice, sir.

But I think what She wants right now Is to go home.

Noooo.

What I think she wants, Boy...

Is you.

Well...

Well, no offense, sir.

I'm sure she's A wonderful girl,

And she'll probably Make some other guy A real fine wife.

Oh, no, boy...

She don't want Some other guy.

She wants to marry...

You.

Only question is...

How much is it Gonna cost me?

I don't believe this.

Look, I'm just not Attracted to myrtle,

And I could never Marry a woman That I don't love.

The bottom line is...

Eddie winslow Cannot be bought!

I'll give you $10 million.

Daddy!

Hey! Cousin cleotis!

How's life at The candle factory?

Still working On wick ends?

[snorting laugh]

Carl, look on The bright side.

Eddie's coming Into $10 million today.

Who cares?

In a moment...

I'm gonna be Related to...

S-steve urkel.

[sobbing]

Carl. Ohh. I know.

Uh, no offense, sir,

But you're a peanut farmer

And you have All of this?

Son...

I'm a peanut-makin mogul.

I make roasted peanuts,

Blanched, salted, Unsalted,

Chopped, and granulated.

I see.

I make oven-roasted, Plain-roasted,

Honey-roasted, Dry-roasted.

I make toffee-covered, Chili-covered, Cinnamon-covered.

That's a lot of--

I've got peanut brittle, Clusters, chews--

Thank you very much, Sir!

I get your point.

It's time to take Our places, gents.

Come on, come on.

Will you come on?

Myra...

Do you believe These dresses Myrtle picked out?

Yeah. Aren't they pretty?

[wedding march plays]

Oh!

[music stops]

Come on, myrtle, Get up.

Come on, honey.

Wait.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Okay.

Hit it, honey.

[resumes playing Wedding march]

[gasp] [gasp] [gasp]

Uh...

Uh... But, but...

Let's just leave That down for a while.

Till after the ceremony?

No, till after I'm dead.

Oh, you silly goose.

Dearly beloved...

We are gathered together To join in holy matrimony

Myrtle may urkel...

And edward james winslow.

Who gives the bride In marriage?

I do, sir.

And may I just say...

Thank you, jesus! Yeah!

Jesus! Hallelujah!

Thank you! Oh, yes, jesus!

Hallelujah!

Amen! Amen!

Whoo! Amen!

Do you have the rings?

Oh, right here.

Do you, Myrtle may urkel...

I do.

And do you, Edward james--

He do, too.

Ow! Ow, myrtle!

Take--ouch!

You in a hurry Or something?

Well, let's just say

I'm eager to spend What I've been saving.

Step on it, rev.

Very well then.

By the power vested in me By the state of mississippi,

I now pronounce you Husband and wi--

[engine revving loudly]

[crowd gasps]

Eddie: greta!

Does anyone know That eddie was paid $10 million to marry myrtle?

Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Sure. Yep. Yeah.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

So what's your point, Thunder thighs?

My point is...

Is that this wedding Is a farce!

How dare you Cast aspersions At my honor!

How dare you steal My man!

Now, now, girls. Let's not get ugly.

With myrtle here,

It's way too late For that.

[snap]

Why, I'm gonna whup you For good!

Aah!

Daddy! Daddy! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Like that? You like that?

Ow! Ow!

Harriette: now, You just stop that!

Whaaaa!

Hyah!

[both screaming]

Go!

Get her!

Yeah!

Ow! Ow!

I'm gonna whup you,

You leather-wearing, Gasoline-smelling,

Stringy-haired Biker bimbo!

You better Shut your mouth

You crawfish-sucking, Hoop-skirt-wearing,

Mustache-waxing Scarlet o'hussy!

[both screaming]

Big daddy: No, not the ribs!

You!

Yaaaa!

[organ plays Charge anthem]

Charge! Charge! Charge!

[screaming]

Stop it! Stop it!

Just stop it, Both of you! Stop, girls!

Aah!

Aah! Get off!

What's wrong with you?!

Stop!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop. Stop it!

Quit! Myrtle! Stop! Don't!

Wake up, wake up, Wake up!

Where? What? Where? Wake up!

Ow!

I already was awake, Fool!

Oh. Sorry.

Man, steve...

I had a horrible Nightmare.

Oh, is it the one Where you're kissing Halle berry

And she turns Into marion barry?

Worse.

I dreamed I was gonna Marry myrtle,

But then greta Showed up,

And she and myrtle got Into a huge catfight.

Oh, my.

I tell you one thing...

This dream has made me Realize...

I'm not gonna marry any girl Unless I love her--

I don't care How much money she has. Whew.

Good for you, eddo.

Hey, birthday boy,

Another package Just came for you.

When will myrtle get it Through her thick skull?

I am not for sale!

I'll be sure to tell Grandma how you feel, Eddie.

Grandma?

Yeah. Nice move, bozo.

She got you that cd player You wanted.

Oh, no!

It's really socks. I just love to see him panic.

Carl. Mmm?

I thought you said You were gonna start Counting your calories.

Oh, I am, sweetheart.

I'm counting them As I'm eating them.

See? 650 calories.

Mmm.

700.

750.

Mmm! We're hitting 800.