Original subtitles

Tonight's episode Of family matters

Is a little scary,

So you might wanna watch it With somebody brave.

Don't worry, Uncle steve.

Yeah, man. We're here for you.

Guys, can we Turn on the lights?

Hello, halloweeners!

Hey, steve.

Hey, steve. Hi, steve.

What do you Have there, steve?

Feast your eyes on this.

Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Hardy-har-har-har.

A dummy that looks Exactly like steve.

How...

Disturbing.

Okay. Now, the key to being A good ventriloquist

Is to give the dummy A real funny voice.

Hello, my little Wooden friend.

Does your mom Know where you are?

[dummy voice] My mom Doesn't know anything.

My mom is a telephone pole In kansas city.

Heh heh heh heh Heh heh.

[snorts] Heh heh Heh heh heh.

Steve: telephone pole-- Get it, get it, get it? Telephone pole?

Well, What do you think?

Are your lips supposed To flap like that?

Oh...Oh...I'm awful, Aren't I?

I'd say so.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you are.

[thunder]

Oh. Looks like There's a storm Comin' in.

Thank you, al roker.

What's wrong with you? Oh, nothing.

I'm only the world's Worst ventriloquist, right?

Yeah. You blow chunks.

Thanks, eddo. Please, don't hold back.

Just tell me how you feel.

Well, steve, no one's Good at everything,

Although I do Come awfully close.

Heh heh heh heh.

I just wish I could make This dummy talk.

Well, frankly, I can't relate.

The only doll I want Sittin' on my lap Can talk on her own.

Know what I'm sayin'? Later.

[thunder]

[crashing thunder And hard rain]

[thunder]

Waah!

[deep, gravely voice] Hi.

Whoo! Aah!

[thunder]

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Aah!

Carl, harriette, Estelle...

It's the dummy. It's alive! Look!

Steve...

Nothing with A plywood brain Is alive.

Carl, I'm tellin' You, it moved,

And it said, "Hi."

I'll prove it To you.

Steve, if this Is your new act,

It's actually An improvement.

I don't get it.

A minute ago, he was Moving all over the place.

Steve, has anyone In your family

Ever checked into The rubber ramada?

Well, my aunt edna Thought she was An air conditioner.

Oh, did they Take her away?

Heck no. She kept us Cool in the summer.

I don't have time For this.

Me, neither. Steve, if you keep Having these delusions,

You're gonna Have to lie down.

Honey, please, Get some rest.

Oh, but--

Oh.

Oh...Maybe I have Lost my mind.

No. You're fine, steve.

Oh, harriette's right.

I need to lie down.

My name is Steven q. Urkel. My iq is 196.

I like cheese, I like polka,

And I'm perfectly sane.

My name is steven q. Urkel. My iq is 196.

I like cheese, I like polka, And I'm perfectly sane.

Dummy: hey, steve.

Yes? Boo!

Aah!

Good job.

Huh? Thanks.

Yeah, This ought to--aah!

Relax. Sit down. Take a load off.

But you're made of wood. You can't walk.

You can't talk.

Oh, yeah? And I suppose I can't dance, either.

[rumba music plays]

Oh, it's official. I'm insane.

No. You just got What you wished for, pal.

What I wished for?

Yeah. You wanted me To talk.

Well, You got it, bucko.

But why didn't you talk In front of the winslows?

I don't like The winslows.

But they're the finest family In the whole wide world.

I know.

They make me sick.

Ah. The winslows Are in the way,

So we'll have To get rid of 'em.

[gasps]

Why, you rotten Little puppet.

You may look like me, But you're not like me At all.

You're evil.

Hey, I like that. Evil, huh?

From now on,

You can just call me...

Stevil!

[thunder] Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Whoa. Come on, You guys better hurry.

Look, tell charlie's dad If it starts to rain,

Bring you guys Straight home.

Got it.

Okay. And remember...

Do not eat your candy Until I look at it.

Okay, But you remember,

Don't eat our candy While you look at it.

Well, we can relax, Big guy.

I just locked stevil away Upstairs in a trunk.

Who? Stevil, my dummy.

He has a name now?

Yep. Named himself.

I'm tellin' ya, carl, He's satan's sock puppet!

Steve...

Listen to me, big guy. That dummy ain't no dummy.

Not only does he talk, But what he says,

Ohh, it ain't good. He's evil.

Evil, carl.

Steve, I'm seriously afraid

That you're Losing your mind.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. I know, I know. Okay. Okay.

Urkel's crazy. Urkel's crazy. Urkel's crazy.

But trust me, The important thing

Is that stevil Is locked away,

And the family Is safe.

[thunder]

Hee-hee hee hee hee-hee!

Happy halloween, Kids.

Thanks.

Psst. Eddie.

Hey, eddie...

Who said that?

Help. Help me.

I'm trapped In the chimney.

Santa?

Is that you--

Aah!

One down, five to go. Heh heh heh heh heh.

Keep pedaling! Keep pedaling!

I am pedaling.

Faster!

Heh heh heh heh heh.

Aah! Jumpin' jehoshaphat! He's loose!

Relax, chum.

I told you before,

It's the winslows I'm after,

And I've been A very busy dummy.

What are you talking about?

Check out what's behind Murphy bed number one.

Ha ha ha.

Aah!

Help, steve. Get us out of here.

Help us! Help us!

What kind of diabolical, Demented dummy are you?

The kind that stuffed Eddie in the chimney.

[gasps]

Why, you're not gonna Get anybody else.

Richie, 3j, Don't you worry. I'll come back.

You can count on me.

What a goof.

Harriette. Laura.

Where is everybody?

Harriette?

Can anybody hear me?

Oh, they're here, steve.

Why don't you Check the cupboard?

There may be A little...Honey on the shelf.

Ooh! Aah!

Steve, look what Your devil dummy did.

Oh. Oh.

Aah!

Oh, laura, Don't panic.

Pull yourself Together.

Perhaps that was A poor choice of words.

It sure was. I'm totally beside myself.

Laura's a nice girl, But she suffers from Low "Shelf-esteem."

Heh heh heh heh heh.

You little monster!

Steve, shut the cupboards. I don't want anyone To see me like this.

Oh, right.

Where's harriette?

Special delivery!

What in sam hill Is this?

Turn the crank and find out.

[pop goes the weasel Plays]

Steve: aah!

Harriette!

I knew She'd pop up somewhere.

Steve, get me A baseball bat.

I'm gonna knock this dummy Upside his head.

In your dreams, bozo.

Oh, that's it. You've got to be stopped!

Aah!

Whaa! W-w-wait! Whoa! No! No! Put me down!

Not in there! No! No! No--aah!

[yelling]

Aha! Take that, You heinous howdy doody!

Ahh! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Hee hee hee hee hee!

Oh. Carl!

Did a possessed puppet Just come through That wall?

Steve, if that had happened, I would've noticed.

Big guy, everything I warned you about Is happening.

Stevil yanked eddie Up the chimney.

He stuck 3j and richie On my bedroom wall.

Laura's in pieces In the kitchen cabinet.

And harriet...

Well, She's a little cranky.

Well, steve, okay.

[chuckling]

Maybe your dummy Did come to life.

Maybe he is Trying to do away With the whole family.

But, listen, Let's be honest.

Is that so bad?

What?!

Carl, what are You saying?

Steve, I'm saying lighten up.

Lighten up and...

Go with the flow!

What have you done To carl?

He's under my control.

He's my new Personal puppet. Watch.

I took my wife To the islands.

Jamaica?

No, she wanted to go.

Heh heh heh Heh heh. [snorts]

Oh, for the love Of fried pickles!

Why are you doing this?

I took care of the winslows So we could go on the road Together.

I knew You'd never come unless They were out of the way.

On the road together?

Sure. We'll do A ventriloquist act,

Only I'll do the talking,

And you'll be the dummy.

Heh heh heh heh.

Never!

I'm not going anywhere Without a fight.

Come on, you and me,

One-on-one, mano a puppet!

Let's go, four-eyes.

You're mine, Pinocchio!

Fat chance, flesh boy!

Heh...Heh...

D-aah!

Oof!

Got him!

D-ow!

Come back here.

Where'd he go? Where'd he go? Where'd he go?

Come back here And fight like A mannequin!

Aah!

Aah!

G-g-g-go--let go. Let go. Let go.

[grunting]

Aah!

D-aah!

[grunting]

G-aah!

[panting]

There.

It's over. The demon is dead.

[gasps]

Okay.

Now it's personal.

Aah!

Oh. This isn't happening. This isn't happening.

This isn't happening. This isn't happening.

Aah! Ow! It's happening!

It's happening! It's happening! No! No!

No! No-o-o-o-o-o!

No. No. No-o-o-o-o-o!

No. No.

Hey. Steve. Steve.

Huh? Wha--

Steve!

Eddo.

How'd you get out The chimney?

What? My dummy, it's alive.

It put you in the chimney And laura in The kitchen cabinets.

Steve, You were dreaming.

I was?

[distant thunder]

Why would I have A dream like that?

That's no mystery.

You have An obsessive-compulsive Personality

Which manifests itself In your extreme need To achieve perfection.

You think I need therapy?

No, not at all.

A simple surgical procedure Will alleviate the problem.

W-w-well, okay.

What kind of sur-- Hey, hey, hey.

What are you doing? P-put that down!

Now lie back And close your eyes 'cause This is really gonna hurt.

Eddie, no! Whoa! Whoa!

Aah!

No. No! No-o-o-o! Whoa--

What is The matter with you?

Eddo, I just had A horrible halloween nightmare With a false ending.

What's with you And holidays?

Last spring, you dreamed That the easter bunny

Jumped you in the alley And slapped you pink.

Ooh, that was scary.

At thanksgiving, You dreamed that A turkey stuffed you.

That one still Gives me the willies.

I'm tellin' ya, eddo, Next groundhog day,

I'm wearin' steel pants.

Eddie: oh, steve...

Okay. Ready... And action, jay.

The eyes have gotta Look up, okay?

Grrr.

Director: and action.

Sound effect: aah!

Director: pull him.

Steve, get me A baseball bat.

I'm gonna Knock this dummy Upside his head.

I am pedaling!

Faster!

From now on, You can just Call me...

Stevil. Heh heh heh.

[thunder]

Does everybody love that? Man: awesome.

Awesome.

Let's cut.