Original subtitles

Announcer: previously On family matters...

Behold, the urk-pad!

It's a teleportation Device.

Bonjour, monsieur.

Welcome to paris!

What?

Is everybody here?

No, my daughter Laura's coming,

And she's bringing A friend.

We flew united.

Well, I've got it All worked out.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Oh, thanks, dad. Ah-ha.

You work here For 2 weeks,

And you don't Go to prison.

Your job is to find out How this urk-pad works.

Once we have the technology, We'll make a fortune.

Don't worry. I have a plan.

After dinner, I'll take him For a romantic stroll Along the seine.

I'll make him so hot, The river will bubble.

[ordering in french]

Uh-huh-huh-huh.

Uh, look here.

I'm going to bring you Some soup and hope for The best, alright?

Hey, son.

How's it going?

Let me see, uh,

How do you say, "This is whack" in french?

Edward, you lost Your right to complain.

You caused the crash.

Now you've got to Sling the hash.

[yelling in french]

Winslow, On the job, huh!

Winslow, quick, vite!

Okay, okay.

[yelling in french]

You see what I got To put up with, dad?

The guy is crazy. I'm sorry, son.

So sorry, monsieur.

[yelling in french]

Yo, dude, chill.

Don't go postal on me.

[yelling in french]

No problem, sir. I don't blame you.

[lively music And yodeling]

[music stops]

Thank you, boys.

Hello, can I have An outside line please?

Thankee.

[telephone rings]

[ring]

Winslow residence.

Myra monkhouse, professional House-sitter speaking.

Well, hi there, Cricket knees.

I set the alarm For the perfect time

To wake me up And give you a call.

Oh, stevie, as usual, You have perfect timing.

I'm having breakfast With binkie, bunkie, and ed.

Uh, myra, Should I be concerned

That you're dining With stuffed animals?

Oh, it's only 'cause I'm lonely.

More tea, binkie?

Uh, myra, myra, This is long distance.

Oh, sorry.

I have big, boffo news!

You're coming home early With lots of presents?

No, I'm starring In a commercial with stefan!

Wow! Did you hear that, boys?

Daddy's going to be on tv.

Yeah! It's for A french soft drink Called le pop.

And what part Do you play?

Well, it's a before- And-after commercial.

I get to be the before!

Oh, stevie, I'm so proud of you.

Put the earpiece On your cheek.

Mmm--mmm...Whah!

[pop]

Holy moly!

A fiber-optic hickey!

You know, stefan,

It's too bad you have to wear That plain old bathing suit

While my outfit's Got pizzazz.

Look. They didn't even Give you flippers.

Well, I'm wounded, man, But I'm happy for you.

This isn't Much of a beach.

Well, actually, this is What you call a chroma key Or an ultimatte.

You see, when this Commercial is finished,

This blue screen will be A bright, purty beach.

You seem to know A lot about this.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

My uncle cecil Had a blue screen.

Why, He used it for 18 years

To convince his wife He was working late.

Is cecil my uncle, too?

Well, let's see.

He was when you were My clone,

But now that You're stefan It's kind of murky.

Hmm. Oh, well, Makes no diff.

Uncle cecil's dead anyway.

Steve, I'm having a tough time Figuring out who I am.

You created me. How come? What was your plan?

Well, at first it was A scientific challenge.

You know, pioneering Human genetics.

But then I realized I had A tremendous opportunity.

Opportunity?

Yeah. To reinvent myself.

Stefan, you're the guy I've always wanted to be.

I am?

Of course!

Why, you never Trip and fall down,

You never say The wrong thing,

And you always Get the girl.

But I'm not as smart As you. Am I?

Not by a long shot.

But, hey, nobody's perfect!

No, but I come close.

Hey, look at that!

Come on, steve, We got a commercial To shoot.

[hawaiian music plays]

Ooh.

Well, hey...

Ooh.

Wow, mama!

W-w-wait.

Announcer, french accent: Having trouble with the ladies?

The answer is tastier Than you think.

New le pop soda In 4 tantalizing flavors.

Its fresh, cool taste Will revitalize you

From head to toe.

Ahh.

Announcer: le pop.

Le cool...

Le wow!

Nicole: isn't it Romantic here?

Well, actually, It's a hotbed for Potential gum disease.

Hey, pal. Get a room.

Relax, steve. You're in paris, The city of love.

Ah, c'est vrai.

And you're with A woman who finds you Extremely attractive.

Oh...Oh, my.

Nicole, I have to Be honest here.

I'm involved.

I got a chick In chicago.

Well, you know What they say.

"When you're not With the one you love, Love the one you're with."

No, sir, ma'am.

I'm loyal To my gal pal.

I see.

What's her name?

Well, it starts With an "M."

Miriam, mary, Some--myrna.

Myra, myra. Sit down, steve.

I don't think We should--

You know, It's a bad I--

Sitting's good. We can do that.

Steve.

In the past, I've Always been attracted To pretty boys,

But that changed The moment I met you.

Oh, thanks...

I think.

You're brilliant, Unique.

Ooh.

I feel I've fallen In love with you.

Whoa, whoo, boy, Did it suddenly Get hot in here?

Huh, my pits Are dripping.

It's giving me An itch.

Don't worry.

If you get an itch, I'll scratch it.

Oh, ohh.

What were we Talking about again?

About us. Picture it.

You and me in a chateau In the south of france.

Me, cooking, Cleaning, loving.

You, making billions With your teleportation pad.

Hey, hey, hey. Stop it.

You don't care About me.

It's my invention You want.

Okay, so I'm shallow.

It doesn't make me Any less beautiful.

I already told you, I'm not interested In making money,

And pouty lips and perky Pear-shaped bosoms won't Change my mind, either.

Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe this Will change your mind.

Who are you?

I'm your worst Nightmare.

No, no, no, no. My worst nightmare

Is where I'm a big Wedge of cheese,

And I have no mouth, So I can't taste myself, So what happens is--

Shut up, You idiot.

Gilbert, what Are you doing?

We tried it Your way, nicole, And you failed.

Now it's my turn.

From now on, It's no more Monsieur nice guy.

Move. I don't want To attract a crewd.

"A crewd"? What's a "Crewd"?

Many people Standing in a group.

Oh, a crowd.

That's what I said. A crewd.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Where are you taking me?

You'll see, And when we get there,

You're going to Give me the blueprints To your urk-pad.

Oh, yeah? And what if I don't?

Then you're going to die.

Oh, well,

I just wanted To be in the loop. Want me to drive?

Urkel: hey, hey, hey, Hey, hey, quit pushing me. Where are we going?

Nicole: gilbert is The assistant prop master For the opera house.

Oh, so kidnapping americans Is just a hobby, huh?

I've got a private little Workshop where no one Can hear you scrim.

What, a "Scrim"? What's a "Scrim"?

Shouting at the top Of your lung.

Oh, you mean scream.

Yeah, scrim.

No, scream. Scrim.

No, scream! Scrim!

No, scream! Hey, don't scrim at me.

Okay, okay, Okay, okay, okay.

What do you want With my urk-pad anyway?

To control worldwide Transportation?

No, but that is A real good idea.

Isn't it, nicole? Tres bon.

I will steal The masterpieces From the louvre,

All of the gold From fort knox,

And on weekends, Sneak into movies.

Not the movies. You cad.

The winslow's will Notice I'm missing,

And they'll call The police.

You'll never get Away with this.

Wrong, nerd boy.

Nicole will tell them That she will be taking The two of you

On a romantic 2-day tour Of the wine country In bordeaux.

You big fibber.

Now, where are the blueprints For your teleportation pad?

They're right here, And that's where they're Staying, buster.

Then you will Build me one.

Hah! Forget it. No way. Ain't gonna happen.

Aah! [gunshot]

I'll need transistors, Microchips, a flambini Capacitor...

Looks like they're Getting ready For a party.

Yeah. Primo room For it, too.

Indeed, and they Are throwing a party Where much is at stake.

Paco rabanne is introducing His new fall line Tomorrow night.

Paco rabanne? Ooh, I love his clothes.

Can't afford 'em, But I love 'em.

I'm supposed to meet his Production coordinator.

I don't know Where he is.

Oh, there he is. Guy!

Bonjour. [speaking french]

[speaking french]

You must be the young man Andre told me about.

Stefan urquelle.

And this exquisite lady To my left is laura winslow.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

So you're interested In modeling.

Well, would paco's Clothes look good on me?

Paco's clothes Look good on everybody,

And the ladies, they'll enjoy Seeing his clothes on you.

Would you like To be in our show?

I'm your guy, guy. C'est bon.

That is so great, Stefan.

And you, young lady.

I like you to be In our show, too.

Aah!

I'll think about it.

Honey. Mmm?

I want to get you Something real special From paris,

So let me know if One of these outfits Catches your eye.

Carl. Hmm?

Paco rabanne's clothes Cost thousands of dollars.

What?

Well, how about A nice eiffel tower Refrigerator magnet?

Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!

Alright, that's my girl. Alright. That's it.

[women screaming]

Stefan! Stefan! Stefan!

[women screaming]

Mmm, honey, These fashion guys Sure put on a good feed.

Carl. Save some For other people.

These models Don't eat.

Hey. Laura, stefan.

You two Were wonderful.

Thanks, mom.

Thanks a lot, Mrs. W,

But I owe it all To the big guy here.

Hey, carl taught me All my moves.

Look out, now. Oh, no.

Watch out.

Stefan... The crowd loved you. The paparazzi loved you.

After tonight, everybody In paris will want you To model for them.

Stefan.

You really going to make Modeling your career?

Well, I--I had fun,

But do you really think I could make a living At it?

A living?

A living?

In 6 months You'll be a supermodel.

Uh, could he do that Living in chicago?

If stefan wants To be a model,

He'll have to Move to paris.

Steve.

Yes?

I feel terrible.

This whole thing Has gotten out of hand.

I swear I had no idea Gilbert would kidnap you,

And I certainly did not Know he plans to kill you When it's over.

I thought we would just Ask you nicely.

Uh, now, wait a minute, Wait a minute, wait A minute, wait a minute.

What was that part About killing me When it's over?

Oops.