Original subtitles

Announcer: previously On family matters...

Uh, uh, uh...

What's this thing?

I have successfully Developed a process

That enables me to Isolate, then duplicate Complex molecules.

What?

I can clone stuff!

[laughing like A mad scientist]

[whirring]

Ooh, tickles.

Ooh, Tickles.

Are you seeing What I'm seeing?

I'm seeing 2 steves.

Both: isn't this fun?

I think we've learned That steve's experiments Have gone too far.

He's created A monster.

I see no solution To this problem.

I see a really, Really good solution.

I'm really going To miss you, steve.

I'm really going To miss you, too.

Can we get on With this?

[ding]

Steve urkel, The man who made me.

We meet at last.

Wow! You really Are cool.

Put her there, Pal.

Steve: ouch!

Ooh, purty!

Hiya, pumpkinseed.

Oh, hi there, Bagel chip.

Well, godfrey daniel, What happened to your foot?

Remember my pesky Extra toe?

Yo.

Well, it's no mo'.

I donated it to a girl Who was toe-challenged.

Well...

She might be Walking around With your toe,

But she'll never Fill your shoes.

Ohh!

Ooh!

What's my buff brainiac Cooking up now?

I'm on the verge Of making history.

Ooh, I love When you do that.

Behold, the urk-pad!

It's a teleportation Device.

Anything that's placed On this pad

Is broken down into Individual molecules

That are Sent by microwave To another urk-pad,

Where the molecules Are instantaneously Reassembled.

Whoa!

Science talk.

That makes me so hot.

Now, now...

Myra.

Myra.

M-m-m-m-m-m...

[telephone rings]

[ring]

[ring]

Hey there, hi there, Ho there.

Oh, hi, nicole.

Nicole?

Who in the H-e double hockey sticks Is nicole?

She's a friend of mine In paris.

She saw the prototype Of my urk-pad

At the international Science fair at akron,

And we've kept in touch Ever since.

Oh, a science fair Floozy.

Trying to sleep her way To a nobel prize.

Now, now, myra, Retract your claws.

Nicole was just helping me With my experiment.

I sent her My other urk-pad.

Okay, nicole, I'm all set.

I'm going to send you Some cheese.

No, I won't tell you What kind it is,

But it rhymes With shamembert.

Okay, okay.

Help me with this. Help me, help me.

Okay, nicole. Now, When I activate My urk-pad,

Yours will Automatically engage,

And whatever you do, Don't let some stray goober Accidentally step on it.

Hey, what's this?

Carl, don't!

Uh-oh.

O mon dieu!

It works!

I was expecting cheese.

Wh-what-- What happened?

Bonjour, monsieur.

Welcome to paris!

What?

Come on, come on, Come on.

Oh, it's still busy!

Hang up the phone And tell us What's going on!

Well...

Carl stepped On the urk-pad.

The what pad? The urk-pad.

It's only the most Amazing invention In history.

Try to keep up.

It's a teleportation Device.

Carl stepped on it And accidentally got Transported to paris...

Hopefully.

Hopefully?

Well, I never tried it On a living organism Before,

Much less one With a 42-inch waist,

So I don't know If it worked properly.

Why, chunks of carl Could be spread out

From barcelona To kankakee.

Come here, steve.

Eddie: what's wrong With you?

[all shouting]

Bonjour, mes amis!

Oh, carl, I was worried sick!

Daddy, Are you okay?

Je suis magnifique!

Steven, I'd love to stay For this touching reunion,

But I'm having Phantom toe pains.

Take care, Squeegee lips.

Owie, owie, owie, owie.

She finally got rid Of that extra toe?

Yep. Now she's perfection.

Carl, my invention Really works?

You were actually In paris?

Yep! What a city!

* it works! It works *

* my teleportation Pad works *

* just between us, I'm a genius *

* my teleportation Pad works *

Steve, your invention Is incredible!

Man, this thing's Going to change the world.

There'll be no need For cars, trucks, Or airplanes.

No accidents, no pollution.

You can send a doctor Anywhere he's needed.

Or send food To starving people.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Or...

We could all go to paris On the cheap!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Are you okay?

Oh, I'm fine.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Just hit A little turbulence Over iceland.

Wow, mama!

Hottie in the house.

Pardon?

Well, nicole, You sure have Blossomed since akron.

Merci, steve.

You make me so blush.

Ooh.

[telephone rings]

Hey there, hi there, Ho there.

Oh, hi, carl.

Hey, steve!

Good news. I'm not dead. You can come now.

Okay. We'll be right there.

Hi, stevie.

Hi there, my sexy, House-sitting mama.

I really wish You could come, too.

My doctor says I should Stay off my tootsies, Tootsie.

Listen, boo boo, Have a wonderful time,

But beware Of french girls.

They invented perfume, And I ask you,

What were they Trying to hide?

Yes, yes, dear.

Kiss, kiss, Hug, hug.

[kissing]

Here we go now!

Bonjour!

Bonjour!

Oh, bonjour, nicole. I'm back.

Welcome, everybody.

I'm nicole devereaux.

I'm harriet winslow, And this is my son eddie.

Ha ha. But, uh...

You can call me E-man.

Enchante, baby.

Vous avez du vert Entre les dents.

Oh, hurt me. What does that mean?

You've got something green Between your teeth.

Oh. Well, uh...

It matches your blouse.

Is everybody here?

No, my daughter Laura's coming,

And she's bringing A friend.

We flew united.

A toast...

To the most Beautiful city In the world

And the most Beautiful woman In the world.

Oh, carl, That's so sweet.

You going to finish That croissant?

Hey!

Bonjour-eo-eo-eo!

Steve, Keep it down.

And lose the hat.

Where are You two going?

I'm taking steve To notre dame.

Steve: yeah!

Nicole said there's A gargoyle there

That looks just like me.

A reservoir!

Reservoir?

Hey!

Cheese!

You know, carl, this is such A wonderful experience For our kids.

It sure is, sweetheart.

I'm glad laura and eddie Are mature enough To appreciate paris.

Oui, oui. Uh-huh!

[horn honks]

Vous etes folle Ou quoi?!

Well, calm down, pal. [nervous laugh]

You're okay, Your car's okay.

No harm-ay done-ay.

Now, let's get out of here Before the owner Of the cafe comes.

Too late! I am the owner Of the cafe!

Oops. Oops. Oops.

And it's a nice cafe.

At least it used to be.

This is your son?

Unfortunately, Yes.

He made me to crash My own cafe!

I know, I know. I saw it.

What's the matter With you?

Ow!

Dad, there was This gorgeous girl,

And I saw her walking--

Girl, eddie? A girl? It's always a girl With you!

Carl, carl, Calm down.

Don't make A scene.

A scene, harriet?

A scene?

Our son just trashed An entire cafe.

Well, this is officially A scene!

Let me see. Uh...

Uh...

"I am very sorry.

Je swiss trez--"

Sorry won't cut it! It won't cut it!

You caused at least 5,000 francs' worth Of damage to my cafe.

Dad!

Alright, Calm down.

I'll talk to him, See what can be done.

Look. Excusez moi. I, I

Look, I maybe want To talk to you.

Oh, mom, This is bad.

I really screwed up Big again.

Yes, you did, edward.

Fortunately your father's A cop and trained to handle Difficult situations.

Well, That's very true.

Dad can be Real persuasive When he wants to.

Well, I've got it All worked out.

Really? Oh, thanks, dad.

You work here For 2 weeks,

And you don't Go to prison.

Ooh, okay.

I got to get richie A t-shirt,

And I've got to send max A postcard.

Let's see. What else now?

Stefan?

Is something wrong?

I was just thinking.

Here I am In this incredible city

Steeped in history,

And I have no history Of my own.

What do you mean?

I have no childhood, No background.

Steve created me.

Let's just be thankful He didn't screw up Like he usually does.

Yeah, but you Don't understand.

I have no past,

And with no past, How do I figure out My future?

I have to decide What to do With my life.

Well, whatever it is, Just make sure I'm in it.

[camera shutter clicking]

[speaking french]

[speaking french]

What's going on?

Whoa! They're doing A photo shoot

For a sports car Magazine,

And one of the models Got angry at the other For blocking his light.

Hey, I didn't know You understood french.

Neither did I.

Whoa.

See, that hurt. That hurts.

Hey, you!

You, come here!

Have you ever done Any modeling?

No, no.

Would you like to try?

Well, I don't-- Sure!

Okay, come on.

Look--look up, A little up!

* let's go! *

Ahh...

This garden is Music to my nose.

[buzzing]

Aah!

Aah!

You're really Quite clumsy, Aren't you?

Huh?

Oh, well, I don't know.

I never really Thought about it.

Ooh!

Dooooh!

Steve, I can't stop Thinking about Your urk-pad.

How did you ever Come up with it?

I guess it comes from A lifetime of people Asking me,

"Can you get out Of here any faster?"

[snorts]

I love that little Piggy snort.

Do you realize your Urk-pad will make You a billionaire?

Oh, no, no, no.

I've decided that An invention this important

Should be shared freely With the entire world.

Shared? Freely?

Oh, yes. Why, money Doesn't matter to me,

Except, of course, At the laundromat.

Got to have quarters. Lots of quarters.

What does Matter to you?

Well, helping people.

Thanks to my urk-pad, Every person in this world

Will be able to visit Their granny for christmas.

Ooh, look at that gaping hole In that charles de gaulle rose.

That could only Mean one thing--

A two-headed aphid.

Did you get The blueprint?

Not yet. This steve urkel Is different.

Nicole, your job Is to find out how This urk-pad works.

Once we have The technology, We'll make a fortune.

Don't worry. I have a plan.

After dinner, I'll take him For a romantic stroll Along the seine.

I'll make him so hot, The river will bubble.

Ooh.

You make me wish You weren't My cousin.

Announcer: next time On family matters...

Steve, I'm having a tough time Figuring out who I am.

You're brilliant, unique.

Oh!

I feel...I've fallen In love with you.

Where are the blueprints For your teleportation pad?

They're right here,

And that's where they're Staying, buster.

Then you will Build me one.

Hah! Forget it! No way. Ain't gonna happen.

Aah! [gunshot]

Paco rabanne is introducing His new fall line Tomorrow night.

Paco rabanne? Ooh, I love his clothes.

Would you like To be in our show?

I'm your guy, guy.

[music and applause]

I swear, I had no idea Gilbert would kidnap you.

And I certainly did not know He plans to kill you When it's over.