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It seems today that all you see is
violence in movies and sex on TV.
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But where are those good old fashioned
values on which we used to rely?
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Lucky there's a family guy.
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00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:23,780
Lucky there's a man who finds a new man
who all the things we make up. Laugh and
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00:00:23,780 --> 00:00:28,380
cry. He's a family guy.
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Hey, did you think any more about how
you want to celebrate your birthday?
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coming up quick.
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00:00:41,140 --> 00:00:44,520
Oh, yeah, I thought a Toronto Raptors
-themed sleepover could be fun.
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00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:48,200
Why do you always like the worst version
of everything?
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00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:49,720
That is not true.
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00:00:50,060 --> 00:00:53,240
Oh, I'll be right back. I forgot I'm out
of Tom's of West Virginia toothpaste.
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Same stuff as Maine, but made for less
teeth.
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00:00:56,780 --> 00:01:01,940
Ugh, look at all the Jewish candy bars
Mort's got in here. One Musketeer,
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00:01:01,940 --> 00:01:05,940
Yuck, Oi Henry, Almond Content but Not
Quite Joy.
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00:01:06,430 --> 00:01:10,170
Forget that. Check this out. I can tell
you exactly which ailment each of these
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00:01:10,170 --> 00:01:14,450
people in line has. What? How can you do
that? It's a known fact. Dogs can smell
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00:01:14,450 --> 00:01:16,550
all kinds of different medical
conditions. Watch.
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She has diabetes.
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He has migraines.
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00:01:20,610 --> 00:01:25,730
And that guy's got, um, that thing.
What's the thing that Magic Johnson has?
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AIDS? Yeah, that. You forgot about AIDS?
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It was never a dog thing.
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Now, there's always one who shows up in
their pajamas because they don't want to
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00:01:38,350 --> 00:01:39,630
change in a strange house.
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00:01:40,150 --> 00:01:44,010
It's 4 o 'clock, dear. You're going to
ruin those slippers walking from the
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I don't care.
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00:01:46,470 --> 00:01:50,730
You guys all know Patty, Ruth, and
Esther. And since we're a modern teenage
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friend group, here's our gender -neutral
friend, Devin.
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00:01:53,210 --> 00:01:56,710
Lois, what's with that kid? Every piece
of clothing saying something different.
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00:01:57,070 --> 00:01:59,770
Peter, be nice. You can't freak out like
this.
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00:02:00,010 --> 00:02:01,270
Don't worry. I can be shuttle.
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00:02:01,660 --> 00:02:03,380
What are you? Declare yourself!
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00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,280
Why don't you just go to the garage and
mutter while kicking stuff?
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00:02:06,900 --> 00:02:09,020
Stupid world's passing me by.
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00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:11,120
Everyone needs to be something.
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00:02:11,420 --> 00:02:13,960
How does anything make sense if
everybody's everything?
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00:02:18,780 --> 00:02:19,780
Ew, Dad.
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00:02:20,060 --> 00:02:21,060
What are you doing?
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00:02:21,180 --> 00:02:25,640
Sorry, Meg. All dads are required to
walk shirtless through any teen party
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they drink a canned beverage that was
discontinued in the 90s. Sip of Surge,
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00:02:29,740 --> 00:02:31,340
anyone? Devon, sip a surge?
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00:02:31,660 --> 00:02:32,660
Well, can you please leave?
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We're about to play truth or dare.
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Truth or dare?
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Is that that game where you hide and go
seek?
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No. You either have to answer a question
with total honesty or do something
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00:02:41,780 --> 00:02:43,020
crazy that people make up.
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00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:44,500
I went with my version.
49
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:46,460
But how about I play with you?
50
00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,000
Um, sure, Dad.
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00:02:48,220 --> 00:02:50,060
I dare you to get the hell out of here.
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On it.
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00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:56,440
Check it out, Lois. I'm playing truth or
dare with Meg.
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00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,100
You're really not, Peter.
55
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:00,840
But hey, I'll play truth or dare with
you.
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00:03:01,140 --> 00:03:03,060
After all, we've never played together.
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00:03:03,460 --> 00:03:05,420
Really? Okay, I pick dare.
58
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:06,680
All right.
59
00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:13,500
Um, I dare you to lick the Swanson's
mailbox.
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00:03:14,740 --> 00:03:15,740
Watch me.
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00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:24,380
Damn it, if he gets my TV guide, Soggy,
I'm going to be furious.
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You still get TV guide?
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00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:27,640
There's still TV.
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00:03:29,830 --> 00:03:31,070
Okay, okay, your turn.
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All right, truth.
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00:03:32,930 --> 00:03:37,030
Okay, let's see. How many men have you
slept with in your lifetime?
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Dare. What?
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00:03:39,110 --> 00:03:43,030
You can't just change. Peter, it's my
right to choose from the two options,
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I choose dare.
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00:03:44,380 --> 00:03:47,920
It's no big deal. I'll tell you my
number. I'll admit, I was a bit of a
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00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:51,060
back in my day. I slept with two whole
women.
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00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:55,060
Seven, if you count finishing during
long hugs. Peter, I'm not answering.
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00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:58,520
Come on, it's fine. Just say the number.
Keep it in mind that any number other
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than zero will send me into a ten -year
spiral.
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00:04:01,060 --> 00:04:03,500
This conversation is over. I'm going to
bed.
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00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,820
No, not till this is settled. I mean,
now it's a safety issue.
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00:04:07,700 --> 00:04:11,320
I gotta know if I need to wear this old
-timey scuba helmet before I give you
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00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:12,420
the Michael Douglas special.
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00:04:16,140 --> 00:04:19,459
Somebody grab the Ouija board. I want to
ask Jeffrey Epstein's ghost if he
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00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:20,459
really killed himself.
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00:04:20,959 --> 00:04:24,600
Have any of you seen a squeaky chew toy
in the shape of a rolled -up newspaper?
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00:04:24,900 --> 00:04:29,160
Headline reads, Chewy defeats Chewman.
No, Brian, we haven't seen your gross
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00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:30,260
toy. Please leave.
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00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:31,640
Fine.
85
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,480
Not going to leave completely empty
-handed.
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00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:41,220
You guys, I think Jeffrey Epstein is
coming through.
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00:04:41,620 --> 00:04:44,180
Hey, how old?
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00:04:45,580 --> 00:04:47,620
Are you ladies?
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00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:49,760
It's him.
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00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:57,660
Yeah, that's good chewing.
91
00:04:58,060 --> 00:05:00,780
And this, Emma, is where the magic
happens.
92
00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:02,280
I thought you lived alone.
93
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:07,400
Nice going, Brian. Do you know how hard
it was to go from being duct taped to my
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00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:10,900
seat to bringing her home? What are you
even doing? Kind of just chewing and
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00:05:10,900 --> 00:05:11,900
sniffing Patty's bra.
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00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:13,040
Ugh, creepy.
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It's not creepy. I'm a dog. If I don't
chew something every 40 minutes, I go
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00:05:16,830 --> 00:05:17,830
frickin' crazy.
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00:05:18,710 --> 00:05:19,710
Oh, my God.
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00:05:19,850 --> 00:05:21,050
That's not good. What?
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00:05:21,370 --> 00:05:25,570
I'm getting a whiff of breast cancer
from Patty's bra. I think Patty may have
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00:05:25,570 --> 00:05:26,850
breast cancer. What?
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00:05:27,110 --> 00:05:30,510
First Celine Dion gets stiff person
syndrome and now this?
104
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:32,040
It's no damn unfair.
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All right, calm down.
106
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:37,400
No, Brian. I'm still processing stiff
person syndrome, which is definitely a
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00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,580
real thing and not a way of getting out
of Vegas shows that your agent husband
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roped you into.
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00:05:41,620 --> 00:05:42,620
I think we're getting off track.
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00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:46,500
Maybe. But if Patty has breast cancer,
you have to tell Meg right away.
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00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,540
I can't do that. Then she'll know I took
the bra.
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00:05:48,780 --> 00:05:52,280
You need to tell her, Brian, even though
it's hard to break bad news.
113
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,000
And I should know. I used to be a
department store spokesperson.
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00:05:55,770 --> 00:05:59,030
As of today, Macy's is closing 100 of
its stores.
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00:05:59,290 --> 00:06:03,290
So to be clear, that's 100 places you
can no longer buy funeral shirts on a
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00:06:03,290 --> 00:06:06,330
day's notice. Everyone is going to have
to start thinking about their funerals
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00:06:06,330 --> 00:06:07,410
at least two days before.
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00:06:07,750 --> 00:06:11,050
But where else can shoppers get nice
watches that aren't actually nice?
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00:06:11,310 --> 00:06:13,850
Or take a dump in the mall without
having to buy something?
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00:06:14,110 --> 00:06:17,230
Well, I suppose those will both have to
be done at Nordstrom. After all,
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Nordstrom is a thriving business that...
Sir, from Nordstrom Corporate.
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00:06:21,630 --> 00:06:24,590
Okay, gang, this is just a body blow of
a day.
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00:06:29,140 --> 00:06:31,620
Uh, hey Meg, how was the sleepover?
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Good. The Ouija board really came to
life. Some guy named Rene said to stop
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making fun of his wife and that stiff
person syndrome is a real thing.
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00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:42,080
Listen, there's something important I
need to tell you.
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00:06:42,700 --> 00:06:47,940
Last night, I took Patty's bra to chew
and sniff, and I think Patty may have
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breast cancer.
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00:06:48,980 --> 00:06:53,420
Oh my God. Oh, I've got to call her
right away. I mean, she's... Wait a
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00:06:53,620 --> 00:06:55,040
Patty left here fully dressed.
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Let me see that bra. Do you have it?
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00:06:58,660 --> 00:07:00,520
Brian, that's my bra.
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00:07:01,860 --> 00:07:03,760
Oh, cool. We taking our bras off?
134
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:07,540
The girls are out to play.
135
00:07:07,860 --> 00:07:10,500
Well, time to go tease the boys down at
the DQ.
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00:07:12,020 --> 00:07:15,540
They don't open till 11, and the
Starbucks said I couldn't wait inside.
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00:07:22,220 --> 00:07:24,140
Look, I know this must be stressful.
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00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:26,440
You sure you don't want to tell Lois
about the breast cancer?
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00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:28,960
No. I don't want to worry her until I
know for sure.
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00:07:29,220 --> 00:07:30,720
Well, what about telling Peter?
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00:07:30,980 --> 00:07:34,160
I actually tried. But he was super
distracted because he got one of those
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00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,460
dollies that mechanics use to slide
under cars.
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00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:41,040
Dad, there's something important I...
What is it, Meg? I'm very busy de
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00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:41,959
-manning the bed.
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00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,780
Chris, bring my ratchet and some
cinnamon. They don't like cinnamon.
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00:07:45,020 --> 00:07:46,560
I'm not sure that's going to work.
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00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,260
Well, that's a very vertical opinion.
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00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:51,440
I've seen Monsters, Inc. and Monsters
University.
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00:07:51,700 --> 00:07:53,280
I think I know what I'm doing.
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00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:56,660
Siri, what's another word for jugs?
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00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,820
Breasts. I understand you may have
breasts cancer.
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00:08:00,220 --> 00:08:02,100
Well, that's what we want to find out.
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00:08:02,340 --> 00:08:06,720
Hmm, but you seem young and healthy.
What brought you in? My dog smelled
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00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:07,539
on my bra.
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00:08:07,540 --> 00:08:10,260
Oh, a dog smelled it? They're like never
wrong.
156
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:13,580
We've actually got three of them on
staff here. This guy graduated from
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00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:17,580
Muttger's, this one from UC Berkeley,
and she went to Bitchigan State.
158
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:21,400
I'm kidding. They all went to Texas
Christian, but they're smart. They're
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00:08:21,790 --> 00:08:25,530
Ger -do is another one, but what's Meg's
prognosis? We'll wait for her test
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00:08:25,530 --> 00:08:29,590
results as a formality, but if a dog
smelled cancer on her, I'm not
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00:08:29,930 --> 00:08:33,010
Meg, if you have anything on your bucket
list, this could be the time.
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00:08:33,309 --> 00:08:34,929
Are you saying I'm dying?
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00:08:35,409 --> 00:08:37,650
Siri, what's a good excuse to leave the
room?
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00:08:38,190 --> 00:08:40,970
Diarrhea is always an excellent excuse
to leave any room.
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00:08:41,250 --> 00:08:43,110
Oh, please excuse me. My phone has
diarrhea.
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00:08:48,270 --> 00:08:51,690
You guys are not gonna believe this.
Lois and I played truth or dare the
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00:08:51,690 --> 00:08:54,850
night, but when I asked her how many
guys she's had sex with, she wouldn't
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00:08:54,850 --> 00:08:56,990
answer. I gotta know. It's driving me
crazy.
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00:08:57,230 --> 00:09:01,610
Well, Bonnie's only ever been with one
man, and you're looking at him. You sure
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00:09:01,610 --> 00:09:02,249
about that?
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00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:05,570
Yeah, she got chlamydia from a toilet
seat. We talked about it, then the
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00:09:05,570 --> 00:09:08,370
seat sent her flowers because it felt
bad. Open and shut case.
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00:09:15,010 --> 00:09:19,610
So... Is a cancer diagnosis a radio on
or radio off situation?
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00:09:20,050 --> 00:09:21,050
You can turn it on.
175
00:09:23,490 --> 00:09:26,250
Maybe we'll just go without.
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00:09:26,570 --> 00:09:30,130
You know, part of me is like, I should
probably tell mom and dad about this,
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00:09:30,130 --> 00:09:32,210
another part of me is like, why bother?
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00:09:32,490 --> 00:09:35,330
I mean, no one in this family even cares
about me anyway.
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00:09:35,670 --> 00:09:38,990
Come on, I'm here for you, Meg. We just
got to come up with some way to get your
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00:09:38,990 --> 00:09:39,969
mind off this.
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00:09:39,970 --> 00:09:43,670
Maybe Dr. Hartman was right. Is there a
bucket list item you've always wanted to
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00:09:43,670 --> 00:09:44,810
do, but you never had the chance?
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00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:46,169
I don't know.
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00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:48,910
Anything, Meg. Sky's the limit. No dream
is too big.
185
00:09:49,230 --> 00:09:50,650
Anything? Anything.
186
00:09:51,170 --> 00:09:56,670
Well, I've always wanted to pig out on
garbage can nachos at Chaz Inferno's
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00:09:56,670 --> 00:09:57,670
restaurant in Orlando.
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00:09:59,170 --> 00:10:00,170
That's it?
189
00:10:00,190 --> 00:10:02,590
Yeah, we can do that. Really?
190
00:10:02,910 --> 00:10:06,870
Would we need to contact Make -A -Wish?
Like, how would we even do that? I think
191
00:10:06,870 --> 00:10:08,210
just go there and order them.
192
00:10:08,450 --> 00:10:09,450
Well, can we go right now?
193
00:10:10,650 --> 00:10:12,110
Absolutely. Let's do it.
194
00:10:12,540 --> 00:10:15,240
Talk to me, tell me it's time.
195
00:10:15,780 --> 00:10:18,200
You're switching sides like a Gemini.
196
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:22,820
You're playing games and now you're
hitting my heart like a drum.
197
00:10:23,380 --> 00:10:24,480
Yeah, baby.
198
00:10:25,220 --> 00:10:30,960
Well, if baby luck gets on my side,
we're going to rock this town alive.
199
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:35,320
I let her rough me up, so she knocked me
out.
200
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:40,100
She walked like she walked, she talked
like she walked. And she banged, she
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00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:41,980
banged. Oh, baby.
202
00:10:42,780 --> 00:10:44,640
Look at that. Atlanta, 20 miles.
203
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:49,360
You know, they say Atlanta has the best
strip clubs in the world.
204
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:54,180
Okay. They say NBA players fly in from
all over to go to these clubs. And they
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00:10:54,180 --> 00:10:57,460
can go anywhere. Like Shaquille O 'Neal
goes to these clubs. It's been
206
00:10:57,460 --> 00:11:01,140
documented in court filings. And if I'm
not mistaken, the Raptors are in town
207
00:11:01,140 --> 00:11:02,140
playing the Hawks tonight.
208
00:11:02,460 --> 00:11:05,920
See, Brian? You're the only one who ever
pays attention to what I care about.
209
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:07,300
Let's do it!
210
00:11:07,620 --> 00:11:10,780
Plus, you've got cancer, so you can eat
whatever you want. We don't even have to
211
00:11:10,780 --> 00:11:13,040
look at the strippers. They got big
trays of ziti in there.
212
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:23,120
I got a bunch of quarters from the
change machine so I can support the
213
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:24,120
strippers.
214
00:11:24,860 --> 00:11:26,440
Al, what are you doing?
215
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,180
Come on, I'm making it hail.
216
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:32,180
Damn it, knock it off. Hey, that was a
bicentennial.
217
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,980
What? I'm going to need that back.
218
00:11:38,650 --> 00:11:39,650
Where's Meg and Brian?
219
00:11:40,070 --> 00:11:43,970
I don't know, but he just posted a close
-up photo of a big tray of strip clubs,
220
00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:47,070
Edie. And he tagged Meg, so I have to
assume they're fine.
221
00:11:47,330 --> 00:11:49,830
Okay, good. They're eating. Then we
don't have to wait.
222
00:11:50,190 --> 00:11:55,590
Chris, can you please pass the peas and
ask your mother how many peas she's had
223
00:11:55,590 --> 00:11:56,469
in her mouth?
224
00:11:56,470 --> 00:11:57,550
Peter, that's enough.
225
00:11:57,870 --> 00:12:01,790
Chris, can you also ask your mother to
pass the chicken and then ask her if the
226
00:12:01,790 --> 00:12:05,150
number of people she's slept with is
more or less than the number of herbs
227
00:12:05,150 --> 00:12:06,970
spices in the Colonel's secret recipe?
228
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:08,099
Slow down.
229
00:12:08,100 --> 00:12:10,500
I can't keep track of all the foods you
went past.
230
00:12:10,780 --> 00:12:12,340
Chris, Chris, he's just doing a bit.
231
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:17,860
Okay, this is us.
232
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:19,900
Sorry I couldn't get us a nicer place.
233
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:21,120
Are you kidding?
234
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,740
I recognize the guy who checked us in
from Intervention.
235
00:12:24,580 --> 00:12:28,000
Okay, there's a salamander in our coffee
pot, so I'm going to go see if I can
236
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:29,000
swap that out.
237
00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:34,440
Hello, Dr. Hartman? Hi, Meg. You're
going to hear things in the background
238
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:38,360
this call that make you think I'm at a
Dave and Buster's. I assure you, I am
239
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:39,520
at a Dave and Buster's.
240
00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:41,500
What a shot!
241
00:12:41,740 --> 00:12:44,460
We're doing COVID boosters. Are you
calling with my test result?
242
00:12:44,780 --> 00:12:46,020
Oh, yes. Yes, I am.
243
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:47,480
Long distance!
244
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:49,440
Ignore that. That's just a medical
device.
245
00:12:49,660 --> 00:12:50,479
Oh, my God.
246
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:51,480
Do I have cancer?
247
00:12:51,660 --> 00:12:52,760
Yes! Oh, no.
248
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,720
Sorry, what? I have cancer?
249
00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:57,640
Oh, no. No cancer. Your tests all came
back negative.
250
00:12:58,030 --> 00:12:59,470
Oh, thank God. What a relief.
251
00:12:59,890 --> 00:13:01,250
Do you not have any paper menus?
252
00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:02,610
It's only a QR code.
253
00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:04,310
Thank you so much, Dr.
254
00:13:04,510 --> 00:13:08,010
Hartman. Yeah, yeah, Mazel Tov. I just
want mozzarella sticks. Why are you
255
00:13:08,010 --> 00:13:09,010
making this so hard?
256
00:13:10,910 --> 00:13:13,590
Brian, I have great news to tell you.
Perfect. Thanks again.
257
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:18,120
I actually have great news, too, Meg.
Get this. I managed to get your story to
258
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:19,320
Chaz Inferno himself.
259
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:23,640
And not only is he going to personally
make you garbage can nachos, he's also
260
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:28,500
giving us a $35 dine -in credit, and
he's going to cut your hair and frost
261
00:13:28,500 --> 00:13:29,500
tips, table side.
262
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:30,980
What? That's amazing.
263
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:32,520
And what's your good news?
264
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:39,040
Oh, um, Brian, look at this plaque. It's
a historic room. Someone from Girls
265
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:41,380
Gone Wild died in here. Oh, I remember
her.
266
00:13:41,740 --> 00:13:44,540
She didn't want to go wild, but then her
friend told her to, so she did.
267
00:13:44,900 --> 00:13:46,140
Whoa. Yeah.
268
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,440
She's still in Rob Schneider's phone.
269
00:13:58,980 --> 00:14:01,680
Well, well, you must be Brian and Meg.
270
00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:05,180
Don't know if they told you up front,
but in here, you're not allowed to not
271
00:14:05,180 --> 00:14:06,920
wear Oakley's on the back of your head.
272
00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:08,300
Sweet.
273
00:14:08,540 --> 00:14:12,440
I just gotta say, it is an honor to meet
a man who's never driven a car with a
274
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:16,760
roof. Before we make these nachos, how
about we cut that hair and frost those
275
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:17,760
tips?
276
00:14:17,820 --> 00:14:19,780
Whoa, your hair is so hard.
277
00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:23,420
Thank you. And it's super hot, I can't
tell if you're 30 or 60.
278
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:27,260
Oh, good thing we're doing this first,
so tiny hairs don't get in the nachos.
279
00:14:27,460 --> 00:14:28,860
Eh, there's tons in there already.
280
00:14:29,220 --> 00:14:30,220
Oh, right on.
281
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,160
All right, Lois, we're just gonna go
this one by one.
282
00:14:36,830 --> 00:14:39,850
Did you sleep with Arthur Aronson?
Peter, come on.
283
00:14:40,190 --> 00:14:42,690
Did you sleep with Acme Pest Control?
284
00:14:43,030 --> 00:14:44,710
I thought we were past this.
285
00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:48,690
You still got to finish our Truth or
Dare game. I licked Joe's mailbox, but
286
00:14:48,690 --> 00:14:49,690
never took your turn.
287
00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:53,850
Okay, fine. I'll finish the game. But
I'm only doing a dare.
288
00:14:54,190 --> 00:14:55,490
Okay, dare, huh?
289
00:14:55,730 --> 00:14:59,750
Then I dare you to roll a blade off the
Swanson's roof and into their pool.
290
00:15:00,010 --> 00:15:01,610
And that'll finally shut you up?
291
00:15:01,890 --> 00:15:02,890
Yep.
292
00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:11,060
Oh, God, it's higher up here than it
looks.
293
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:13,580
You chose dare. This is the dare.
294
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:17,000
Peter, stop doing truth or dare stuff to
my house.
295
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:18,460
This doesn't concern you, Joe.
296
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:20,060
I feel very unsafe.
297
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:21,880
That's it. I'm calling the cops.
298
00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:24,999
Yeah, hello.
299
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,440
There's a woman on my roof.
300
00:15:26,740 --> 00:15:30,380
Sir, I can't really help you right now.
I'm dealing with someone on my own roof.
301
00:15:38,890 --> 00:15:39,849
Oh, my God!
302
00:15:39,850 --> 00:15:42,910
Ah, damn it! Oh, it hurts so much! Oh,
God!
303
00:15:43,190 --> 00:15:44,630
Oh, your leg hurts.
304
00:15:44,830 --> 00:15:45,830
What's that like?
305
00:15:49,370 --> 00:15:52,510
Well, we almost polished off those
garbage can nachos.
306
00:15:52,750 --> 00:15:54,430
Dirt? Mm, no thanks.
307
00:15:54,770 --> 00:15:55,770
I'll have a little dirt.
308
00:15:58,570 --> 00:16:01,230
Oh, feels like those nachos are making a
run for the border.
309
00:16:01,510 --> 00:16:02,930
I better hit the bathroom stat.
310
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:06,150
Excuse me, can you wrap up the rest of
our food? Definitely.
311
00:16:06,490 --> 00:16:07,630
Nachos travel great.
312
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:17,020
Hello? Dr. Hartman? It's Brian. Are you
calling with Meg's test results?
313
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:21,260
What? No. I told Meg yesterday her
results were negative. I was just
314
00:16:21,260 --> 00:16:23,320
see why she hasn't given me a Yelp
review yet.
315
00:16:23,660 --> 00:16:27,320
Yesterday? Oh, and can you do me a favor
and put my name in Meg's phone as The
316
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,900
Hammer? I'm trying to get that going.
317
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:30,120
No, I'm not doing that.
318
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:31,280
Okay. Hammer out.
319
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:34,760
Why wouldn't Meg have told me?
320
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,260
Meg? It's Brian.
321
00:16:40,460 --> 00:16:42,000
Is there something you want to tell me?
322
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:49,560
Yeah, there's an adult changing station
in here, and the weight limit is 500
323
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:52,280
pounds. I just talked to Dr. Hartman.
324
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:53,660
Oh, the hammer?
325
00:16:53,860 --> 00:16:56,880
He's going to be psyched you said that,
but he told me he called you yesterday
326
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,440
with your negative test results.
327
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:02,820
Brian, I'm about three Gatorades away
from being able to have this
328
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:07,140
Meg, you lied to me. I was super
worried, and I thought you were going to
329
00:17:07,220 --> 00:17:08,960
and you took advantage of me. Why would
you do that?
330
00:17:11,220 --> 00:17:15,160
I... I guess I just saw a chance to live
out one of my dreams and realized it
331
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:16,160
might never happen again.
332
00:17:16,339 --> 00:17:20,339
I can't believe how selfish that is. You
know what? As far as I'm concerned, you
333
00:17:20,339 --> 00:17:21,480
can find your own ride home.
334
00:17:22,020 --> 00:17:24,319
Are you the one in the Prius? Yes. Why?
335
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:27,940
Yeah, a few of the other patrons did
some terrible things to your car.
336
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,080
You're not Jewish, are you? No.
337
00:17:30,380 --> 00:17:32,020
Okay, then they got some of it wrong.
338
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:38,960
Oh,
339
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:40,180
Lois, you're awake!
340
00:17:40,750 --> 00:17:42,490
By the way, this lighting makes you look
old.
341
00:17:42,790 --> 00:17:44,770
Did I break my leg?
342
00:17:45,050 --> 00:17:48,790
Yes, and it's all my fault. I should
never have hounded you so much.
343
00:17:49,370 --> 00:17:54,210
Lois, we've logged a lot of miles
together. We've raised a family, and
344
00:17:54,210 --> 00:17:58,690
life partner. I don't need to know how
many guys you've been with. The fact is,
345
00:17:58,790 --> 00:18:01,410
I love you more than any number.
346
00:18:01,990 --> 00:18:04,490
It's okay, Peter. I want to tell you.
347
00:18:04,690 --> 00:18:07,030
I don't want any secrets between us.
348
00:18:07,550 --> 00:18:08,890
The number is 60.
349
00:18:09,490 --> 00:18:10,490
Whoa.
350
00:18:10,700 --> 00:18:15,320
OK, a little higher than what I thought
it would be, but I guess 16 ain't so
351
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:16,900
bad. No, no, Peter, 60.
352
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:18,280
6 -0.
353
00:18:22,420 --> 00:18:23,660
We've got a code orange.
354
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:24,699
What's that?
355
00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:27,620
It's when a husband finds out his wife
has slept with way more guys than he
356
00:18:27,620 --> 00:18:29,000
thought. She's a 60.
357
00:18:29,300 --> 00:18:33,720
Holy crap, that's like all the
presidents for 250 years, plus a
358
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:34,720
and a half.
359
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:37,540
I'm sure glad they covered this at Texas
Christian.
360
00:18:58,570 --> 00:19:02,710
How'd you get ahead of me? A trucker
picked me up. He asked for ass gas or
361
00:19:02,710 --> 00:19:07,350
grass, so I gave him ass gas, and he got
mad and tossed me. This is why I always
362
00:19:07,350 --> 00:19:08,690
say commas matter.
363
00:19:09,370 --> 00:19:10,370
Get in.
364
00:19:11,370 --> 00:19:15,230
I still can't believe you lied about
cancer just to go to a Chaz Inferno
365
00:19:15,230 --> 00:19:16,330
restaurant. What?
366
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:20,410
What are you talking about? Brian, when
I said one of my dreams, I wasn't
367
00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,270
talking about eating at Chaz Inferno's.
368
00:19:22,550 --> 00:19:25,390
I was talking about, for the first time
ever...
369
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:30,880
Actually having real fun with a family
member who wasn't mocking me or farting
370
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:32,660
in my face or telling me I'm ugly.
371
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:37,340
I guess I lied to you because I just
wanted this amazing trip we've been
372
00:19:37,340 --> 00:19:38,720
to last a little longer.
373
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:40,440
You know what?
374
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:42,980
I've had a really good time with you
too, Meg.
375
00:19:43,220 --> 00:19:47,320
And the truth is, when Dr. Hartman said
I might die, all I could think about was
376
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,700
spending the rest of my life with
someone who really loves and cares about
377
00:19:51,060 --> 00:19:52,340
And that was you.
378
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:53,740
Of course, Meg.
379
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:55,080
We're family.
380
00:20:00,140 --> 00:20:03,000
But wait, then why did your bra smell
like cancer?
381
00:20:03,380 --> 00:20:06,880
Yeah, you know, I was thinking about
that. Maybe because I buy all my
382
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:07,980
undergarments at thrift stores?
383
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:09,960
Ew, bro, you gotta wash them, John.
384
00:20:10,340 --> 00:20:12,780
Hey, is that Peter at the Dairy Queen?
385
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:14,040
It is!
386
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,380
Dad, what are you doing?
387
00:20:17,620 --> 00:20:20,360
I blizzarded and boobed my way down to
Florida.
388
00:20:21,460 --> 00:20:24,220
I'm entitled to this. Your mother's had
60 men.
389
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:35,080
We now return to 60 Minutes. I thought
we agreed to banish the number 60 from
390
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:35,799
this house.
391
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:37,680
Are you still upset about this?
392
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:41,700
I told you one of them was just so I
could get cast in Shakespeare in Love.
393
00:20:41,980 --> 00:20:42,980
That doesn't help.
394
00:20:43,020 --> 00:20:46,040
Well, what if I said you were bigger
than all of them?
395
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:47,340
Huh? Would that help?
396
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:48,600
Actually, yes.
397
00:20:48,900 --> 00:20:52,780
Lois, truth or dare, of all the guys
you've been with, am I the biggest?
398
00:20:53,220 --> 00:20:54,220
Definitely, Peter.
399
00:20:59,450 --> 00:21:02,530
Marriage, just lie. It's not that big a
deal.
31715
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