Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.

But where are those good old fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy.

Lucky there's a man who finds a new man who all the things we make up. Laugh and

cry. He's a family guy.

Hey, did you think any more about how you want to celebrate your birthday?

coming up quick.

Oh, yeah, I thought a Toronto Raptors -themed sleepover could be fun.

Why do you always like the worst version of everything?

That is not true.

Oh, I'll be right back. I forgot I'm out of Tom's of West Virginia toothpaste.

Same stuff as Maine, but made for less teeth.

Ugh, look at all the Jewish candy bars Mort's got in here. One Musketeer,

Yuck, Oi Henry, Almond Content but Not Quite Joy.

Forget that. Check this out. I can tell you exactly which ailment each of these

people in line has. What? How can you do that? It's a known fact. Dogs can smell

all kinds of different medical conditions. Watch.

She has diabetes.

He has migraines.

And that guy's got, um, that thing. What's the thing that Magic Johnson has?

AIDS? Yeah, that. You forgot about AIDS?

It was never a dog thing.

Now, there's always one who shows up in their pajamas because they don't want to

change in a strange house.

It's 4 o 'clock, dear. You're going to ruin those slippers walking from the

I don't care.

You guys all know Patty, Ruth, and Esther. And since we're a modern teenage

friend group, here's our gender -neutral friend, Devin.

Lois, what's with that kid? Every piece of clothing saying something different.

Peter, be nice. You can't freak out like this.

Don't worry. I can be shuttle.

What are you? Declare yourself!

Why don't you just go to the garage and mutter while kicking stuff?

Stupid world's passing me by.

Everyone needs to be something.

How does anything make sense if everybody's everything?

Ew, Dad.

What are you doing?

Sorry, Meg. All dads are required to walk shirtless through any teen party

they drink a canned beverage that was discontinued in the 90s. Sip of Surge,

anyone? Devon, sip a surge?

Well, can you please leave?

We're about to play truth or dare.

Truth or dare?

Is that that game where you hide and go seek?

No. You either have to answer a question with total honesty or do something

crazy that people make up.

I went with my version.

But how about I play with you?

Um, sure, Dad.

I dare you to get the hell out of here.

On it.

Check it out, Lois. I'm playing truth or dare with Meg.

You're really not, Peter.

But hey, I'll play truth or dare with you.

After all, we've never played together.

Really? Okay, I pick dare.

All right.

Um, I dare you to lick the Swanson's mailbox.

Watch me.

Damn it, if he gets my TV guide, Soggy, I'm going to be furious.

You still get TV guide?

There's still TV.

Okay, okay, your turn.

All right, truth.

Okay, let's see. How many men have you slept with in your lifetime?

Dare. What?

You can't just change. Peter, it's my right to choose from the two options,

I choose dare.

It's no big deal. I'll tell you my number. I'll admit, I was a bit of a

back in my day. I slept with two whole women.

Seven, if you count finishing during long hugs. Peter, I'm not answering.

Come on, it's fine. Just say the number. Keep it in mind that any number other

than zero will send me into a ten -year spiral.

This conversation is over. I'm going to bed.

No, not till this is settled. I mean, now it's a safety issue.

I gotta know if I need to wear this old -timey scuba helmet before I give you

the Michael Douglas special.

Somebody grab the Ouija board. I want to ask Jeffrey Epstein's ghost if he

really killed himself.

Have any of you seen a squeaky chew toy in the shape of a rolled -up newspaper?

Headline reads, Chewy defeats Chewman. No, Brian, we haven't seen your gross

toy. Please leave.

Fine.

Not going to leave completely empty -handed.

You guys, I think Jeffrey Epstein is coming through.

Hey, how old?

Are you ladies?

It's him.

Yeah, that's good chewing.

And this, Emma, is where the magic happens.

I thought you lived alone.

Nice going, Brian. Do you know how hard it was to go from being duct taped to my

seat to bringing her home? What are you even doing? Kind of just chewing and

sniffing Patty's bra.

Ugh, creepy.

It's not creepy. I'm a dog. If I don't chew something every 40 minutes, I go

frickin' crazy.

Oh, my God.

That's not good. What?

I'm getting a whiff of breast cancer from Patty's bra. I think Patty may have

breast cancer. What?

First Celine Dion gets stiff person syndrome and now this?

It's no damn unfair.

All right, calm down.

No, Brian. I'm still processing stiff person syndrome, which is definitely a

real thing and not a way of getting out of Vegas shows that your agent husband

roped you into.

I think we're getting off track.

Maybe. But if Patty has breast cancer, you have to tell Meg right away.

I can't do that. Then she'll know I took the bra.

You need to tell her, Brian, even though it's hard to break bad news.

And I should know. I used to be a department store spokesperson.

As of today, Macy's is closing 100 of its stores.

So to be clear, that's 100 places you can no longer buy funeral shirts on a

day's notice. Everyone is going to have to start thinking about their funerals

at least two days before.

But where else can shoppers get nice watches that aren't actually nice?

Or take a dump in the mall without having to buy something?

Well, I suppose those will both have to be done at Nordstrom. After all,

Nordstrom is a thriving business that... Sir, from Nordstrom Corporate.

Okay, gang, this is just a body blow of a day.

Uh, hey Meg, how was the sleepover?

Good. The Ouija board really came to life. Some guy named Rene said to stop

making fun of his wife and that stiff person syndrome is a real thing.

Listen, there's something important I need to tell you.

Last night, I took Patty's bra to chew and sniff, and I think Patty may have

breast cancer.

Oh my God. Oh, I've got to call her right away. I mean, she's... Wait a

Patty left here fully dressed.

Let me see that bra. Do you have it?

Brian, that's my bra.

Oh, cool. We taking our bras off?

The girls are out to play.

Well, time to go tease the boys down at the DQ.

They don't open till 11, and the Starbucks said I couldn't wait inside.

Look, I know this must be stressful.

You sure you don't want to tell Lois about the breast cancer?

No. I don't want to worry her until I know for sure.

Well, what about telling Peter?

I actually tried. But he was super distracted because he got one of those

dollies that mechanics use to slide under cars.

Dad, there's something important I... What is it, Meg? I'm very busy de

-manning the bed.

Chris, bring my ratchet and some cinnamon. They don't like cinnamon.

I'm not sure that's going to work.

Well, that's a very vertical opinion.

I've seen Monsters, Inc. and Monsters University.

I think I know what I'm doing.

Siri, what's another word for jugs?

Breasts. I understand you may have breasts cancer.

Well, that's what we want to find out.

Hmm, but you seem young and healthy. What brought you in? My dog smelled

on my bra.

Oh, a dog smelled it? They're like never wrong.

We've actually got three of them on staff here. This guy graduated from

Muttger's, this one from UC Berkeley, and she went to Bitchigan State.

I'm kidding. They all went to Texas Christian, but they're smart. They're

Ger -do is another one, but what's Meg's prognosis? We'll wait for her test

results as a formality, but if a dog smelled cancer on her, I'm not

Meg, if you have anything on your bucket list, this could be the time.

Are you saying I'm dying?

Siri, what's a good excuse to leave the room?

Diarrhea is always an excellent excuse to leave any room.

Oh, please excuse me. My phone has diarrhea.

You guys are not gonna believe this. Lois and I played truth or dare the

night, but when I asked her how many guys she's had sex with, she wouldn't

answer. I gotta know. It's driving me crazy.

Well, Bonnie's only ever been with one man, and you're looking at him. You sure

about that?

Yeah, she got chlamydia from a toilet seat. We talked about it, then the

seat sent her flowers because it felt bad. Open and shut case.

So... Is a cancer diagnosis a radio on or radio off situation?

You can turn it on.

Maybe we'll just go without.

You know, part of me is like, I should probably tell mom and dad about this,

another part of me is like, why bother?

I mean, no one in this family even cares about me anyway.

Come on, I'm here for you, Meg. We just got to come up with some way to get your

mind off this.

Maybe Dr. Hartman was right. Is there a bucket list item you've always wanted to

do, but you never had the chance?

I don't know.

Anything, Meg. Sky's the limit. No dream is too big.

Anything? Anything.

Well, I've always wanted to pig out on garbage can nachos at Chaz Inferno's

restaurant in Orlando.

That's it?

Yeah, we can do that. Really?

Would we need to contact Make -A -Wish? Like, how would we even do that? I think

just go there and order them.

Well, can we go right now?

Absolutely. Let's do it.

Talk to me, tell me it's time.

You're switching sides like a Gemini.

You're playing games and now you're hitting my heart like a drum.

Yeah, baby.

Well, if baby luck gets on my side, we're going to rock this town alive.

I let her rough me up, so she knocked me out.

She walked like she walked, she talked like she walked. And she banged, she

banged. Oh, baby.

Look at that. Atlanta, 20 miles.

You know, they say Atlanta has the best strip clubs in the world.

Okay. They say NBA players fly in from all over to go to these clubs. And they

can go anywhere. Like Shaquille O 'Neal goes to these clubs. It's been

documented in court filings. And if I'm not mistaken, the Raptors are in town

playing the Hawks tonight.

See, Brian? You're the only one who ever pays attention to what I care about.

Let's do it!

Plus, you've got cancer, so you can eat whatever you want. We don't even have to

look at the strippers. They got big trays of ziti in there.

I got a bunch of quarters from the change machine so I can support the

strippers.

Al, what are you doing?

Come on, I'm making it hail.

Damn it, knock it off. Hey, that was a bicentennial.

What? I'm going to need that back.

Where's Meg and Brian?

I don't know, but he just posted a close -up photo of a big tray of strip clubs,

Edie. And he tagged Meg, so I have to assume they're fine.

Okay, good. They're eating. Then we don't have to wait.

Chris, can you please pass the peas and ask your mother how many peas she's had

in her mouth?

Peter, that's enough.

Chris, can you also ask your mother to pass the chicken and then ask her if the

number of people she's slept with is more or less than the number of herbs

spices in the Colonel's secret recipe?

Slow down.

I can't keep track of all the foods you went past.

Chris, Chris, he's just doing a bit.

Okay, this is us.

Sorry I couldn't get us a nicer place.

Are you kidding?

I recognize the guy who checked us in from Intervention.

Okay, there's a salamander in our coffee pot, so I'm going to go see if I can

swap that out.

Hello, Dr. Hartman? Hi, Meg. You're going to hear things in the background

this call that make you think I'm at a Dave and Buster's. I assure you, I am

at a Dave and Buster's.

What a shot!

We're doing COVID boosters. Are you calling with my test result?

Oh, yes. Yes, I am.

Long distance!

Ignore that. That's just a medical device.

Oh, my God.

Do I have cancer?

Yes! Oh, no.

Sorry, what? I have cancer?

Oh, no. No cancer. Your tests all came back negative.

Oh, thank God. What a relief.

Do you not have any paper menus?

It's only a QR code.

Thank you so much, Dr.

Hartman. Yeah, yeah, Mazel Tov. I just want mozzarella sticks. Why are you

making this so hard?

Brian, I have great news to tell you. Perfect. Thanks again.

I actually have great news, too, Meg. Get this. I managed to get your story to

Chaz Inferno himself.

And not only is he going to personally make you garbage can nachos, he's also

giving us a $35 dine -in credit, and he's going to cut your hair and frost

tips, table side.

What? That's amazing.

And what's your good news?

Oh, um, Brian, look at this plaque. It's a historic room. Someone from Girls

Gone Wild died in here. Oh, I remember her.

She didn't want to go wild, but then her friend told her to, so she did.

Whoa. Yeah.

She's still in Rob Schneider's phone.

Well, well, you must be Brian and Meg.

Don't know if they told you up front, but in here, you're not allowed to not

wear Oakley's on the back of your head.

Sweet.

I just gotta say, it is an honor to meet a man who's never driven a car with a

roof. Before we make these nachos, how about we cut that hair and frost those

tips?

Whoa, your hair is so hard.

Thank you. And it's super hot, I can't tell if you're 30 or 60.

Oh, good thing we're doing this first, so tiny hairs don't get in the nachos.

Eh, there's tons in there already.

Oh, right on.

All right, Lois, we're just gonna go this one by one.

Did you sleep with Arthur Aronson? Peter, come on.

Did you sleep with Acme Pest Control?

I thought we were past this.

You still got to finish our Truth or Dare game. I licked Joe's mailbox, but

never took your turn.

Okay, fine. I'll finish the game. But I'm only doing a dare.

Okay, dare, huh?

Then I dare you to roll a blade off the Swanson's roof and into their pool.

And that'll finally shut you up?

Yep.

Oh, God, it's higher up here than it looks.

You chose dare. This is the dare.

Peter, stop doing truth or dare stuff to my house.

This doesn't concern you, Joe.

I feel very unsafe.

That's it. I'm calling the cops.

Yeah, hello.

There's a woman on my roof.

Sir, I can't really help you right now. I'm dealing with someone on my own roof.

Oh, my God!

Ah, damn it! Oh, it hurts so much! Oh, God!

Oh, your leg hurts.

What's that like?

Well, we almost polished off those garbage can nachos.

Dirt? Mm, no thanks.

I'll have a little dirt.

Oh, feels like those nachos are making a run for the border.

I better hit the bathroom stat.

Excuse me, can you wrap up the rest of our food? Definitely.

Nachos travel great.

Hello? Dr. Hartman? It's Brian. Are you calling with Meg's test results?

What? No. I told Meg yesterday her results were negative. I was just

see why she hasn't given me a Yelp review yet.

Yesterday? Oh, and can you do me a favor and put my name in Meg's phone as The

Hammer? I'm trying to get that going.

No, I'm not doing that.

Okay. Hammer out.

Why wouldn't Meg have told me?

Meg? It's Brian.

Is there something you want to tell me?

Yeah, there's an adult changing station in here, and the weight limit is 500

pounds. I just talked to Dr. Hartman.

Oh, the hammer?

He's going to be psyched you said that, but he told me he called you yesterday

with your negative test results.

Brian, I'm about three Gatorades away from being able to have this

Meg, you lied to me. I was super worried, and I thought you were going to

and you took advantage of me. Why would you do that?

I... I guess I just saw a chance to live out one of my dreams and realized it

might never happen again.

I can't believe how selfish that is. You know what? As far as I'm concerned, you

can find your own ride home.

Are you the one in the Prius? Yes. Why?

Yeah, a few of the other patrons did some terrible things to your car.

You're not Jewish, are you? No.

Okay, then they got some of it wrong.

Oh,

Lois, you're awake!

By the way, this lighting makes you look old.

Did I break my leg?

Yes, and it's all my fault. I should never have hounded you so much.

Lois, we've logged a lot of miles together. We've raised a family, and

life partner. I don't need to know how many guys you've been with. The fact is,

I love you more than any number.

It's okay, Peter. I want to tell you.

I don't want any secrets between us.

The number is 60.

Whoa.

OK, a little higher than what I thought it would be, but I guess 16 ain't so

bad. No, no, Peter, 60.

6 -0.

We've got a code orange.

What's that?

It's when a husband finds out his wife has slept with way more guys than he

thought. She's a 60.

Holy crap, that's like all the presidents for 250 years, plus a

and a half.

I'm sure glad they covered this at Texas Christian.

How'd you get ahead of me? A trucker picked me up. He asked for ass gas or

grass, so I gave him ass gas, and he got mad and tossed me. This is why I always

say commas matter.

Get in.

I still can't believe you lied about cancer just to go to a Chaz Inferno

restaurant. What?

What are you talking about? Brian, when I said one of my dreams, I wasn't

talking about eating at Chaz Inferno's.

I was talking about, for the first time ever...

Actually having real fun with a family member who wasn't mocking me or farting

in my face or telling me I'm ugly.

I guess I lied to you because I just wanted this amazing trip we've been

to last a little longer.

You know what?

I've had a really good time with you too, Meg.

And the truth is, when Dr. Hartman said I might die, all I could think about was

spending the rest of my life with someone who really loves and cares about

And that was you.

Of course, Meg.

We're family.

But wait, then why did your bra smell like cancer?

Yeah, you know, I was thinking about that. Maybe because I buy all my

undergarments at thrift stores?

Ew, bro, you gotta wash them, John.

Hey, is that Peter at the Dairy Queen?

It is!

Dad, what are you doing?

I blizzarded and boobed my way down to Florida.

I'm entitled to this. Your mother's had 60 men.

We now return to 60 Minutes. I thought we agreed to banish the number 60 from

this house.

Are you still upset about this?

I told you one of them was just so I could get cast in Shakespeare in Love.

That doesn't help.

Well, what if I said you were bigger than all of them?

Huh? Would that help?

Actually, yes.

Lois, truth or dare, of all the guys you've been with, am I the biggest?

Definitely, Peter.

Marriage, just lie. It's not that big a deal.