Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.

But where are those good old Christian values on which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy.

Lucky there's a man who finds a new man who all the days we wake up laugh and

cry. He's a family guy.

Here at Family Guy, about every ten years or so, we do an episode called

Mail, where we try out story ideas that fans have submitted in the mail. Lately,

we've been getting a lot of DMs from fans asking what mail is, and also

suggesting story ideas.

Like this one from Viewer Derek.

It's usually dudes. Who writes, didn't Chris used to wear an earring one time?

Where'd it go?

Well, Derek, thank you for your question. And as it happens, we have an

for you.

An answer in the form of three epic films crammed into six minutes. Enjoy!

It all began in the land of Mordor.

Forged in the fires of Spencer's gifts, Sauron created the one earring to rule

them all.

What followed was a massive war of elves and orcs that will someday cost Amazon

Studios two billion dollars.

just to get review bombed by racists.

And also, this happened.

Call of gardening.

Modern shrubbery, begin.

Yeah, awesome. I'm growing the crap out of this fruit.

You have unlocked Barley.

Sweet. I'll share it with my neighbors, because hobbits are a friendly, peaceful

folk you can root for. Also, the last people who would ever go on an

that's for sure.

Frodo, I need you to go on an adventure.

It's a very heterosexual quest, with guys who call each other my dear a lot.

Where's your season one earring? Hang on, Gandalf. I think I got it here

somewhere. Sorry my hobbit hole is so tight.

But it's the hole I was given at birth.

Just, uh, just get that earring, please.

The truth is, my hole doesn't get many visitors.

How we doing on that earring?

Here it is.

Oh, and it's hissing some kind of devil talk at me. And there's stuff on here

about unlimited dark power.

Go pack your underthings while I practice saying, you shall not pass in

mirror.

Thank you, everyone, for coming to the Council of Elrond, a meeting that I

called and then named after myself.

Cool. If there's one thing that's awesome to show in a big action movie,

meetings. Where are we on the agenda, by the way? And also, what's the Wi -Fi

password? Just use Rivendell Public.

Okay, is that what you're on? Don't worry about what I'm on. Use Rivendell

Public. I feel like you're probably on a faster one.

Look, we're here because Frodo has the One Earring, and it must be destroyed by

returning it from whence it came, into the fires of Mount Doom.

Yeah, Rivendell Public is super slow, man.

Anyway, you guys have to help Frodo get there. I think we're all in agreement

that one simply walks into Mordor. But aren't there... I like that reference,

the way. Aren't there giant eagles in Middle -earth? Can't Gandalf just fly me

to Mordor on a giant eagle?

No, you gotta walk. Hey, I like being part of this group, but I don't like

y 'all put your backpacks on my lap. I'm not a chair.

I'm... I'm kind of a chair.

Thanks for escorting me to Mordor, everyone.

You bet. And what's great is that since the soundtrack in these films is so

forgettable, we can basically run any movie music we want here.

Well,

you're on your own from here.

What? You're leaving Viggo Mortensen?

Yeah, sorry, I gotta go be in two more things and then no more things.

I'll also have to leave, but not to go check in with my parole officer, if

that's what you're wondering.

Yeah, and my beer kinda got caught in the spokes. I think I have to unspool it

all the way back to where we started.

Ah, that's worse.

And I can only poop in my own apartment in Lothlorien. Didn't know we were gonna

be out this long.

Oh, hey, I can tag along with you and the precious.

I mean, that earring that I don't have big feelings about one way or the other.

Friggin' great. So how do we get there?

Well, let's check the map.

This, um, this map is not very detailed.

Okay. No, seriously, why are there no roads? And I guess these three wavy

are supposed to indicate a lake?

I mean, there's really no detail on here. This is basically a child's menu.

would be helped by this? Look, this is the map, okay? At least we know...

We go that way.

Why is they playing the theme from Stripe Zone, my precious?

It's just... It's just a joke from earlier.

Thanks, map.

Thanks, great detailed map.

All right, listen. I wanted to keep this a secret, but I do know a shortcut into

Mordor. What? Where is it?

You just go through that tunnel. See where it says Giant Spider Hole?

Is a giant spider in there? No, that's just some kids messing around.

I'm this!

Ah, Rick.

What the hell, man? You tried to get me killed!

That's it. I'm only giving you 14 more chances, and then you can't be in my

quest anymore.

There it is.

Mount Doom.

Yeah, but how are we supposed to get there? This valley's full of trolls and

orcs and, oh, God, morgue from orcs. Ladies and gentlemen, Elvish Presley.

Don't be cruel to the hobbit's crew.

Thank you, girl. Thank you very much.

Gandalf the Gray or Gandalf the Gay.

Hey, watch where you put that staff, mister.

I can't go on.

I'm exhausted from all the riffing. Plus, he did a gay voice, and that's not

okay anymore.

It's over, Gollum. We're not going to make it. We're all alone, and our path

blocked. And I forgot to turn on my step counter before we left the Shire.

Perfect. We could probably estimate it. Oh, what, using the map?

All right, if you're going to keep being like this, I don't want to be your

quest buddy.

Wait, look.

Where are all the Robin Williams' going?

I wonder if maybe there are some private school kids somewhere not seizing the

day. Oh, Sauron, my Sauron. Okay, yeah, I think it's that.

Should I watch these hobbits who are probably coming to destroy me?

Oh, Galadriel's showering.

We finally made it. I know. And our faces and clothes are much dirtier than

we started. So that means the journey was lengthy and difficult.

Now we just got to throw the earring into the fire.

Oh, no.

It's the one true lord of the earring, Harrison Ford.

Yes, Harrison, throw it into the fire. That's the last thing Thoron wants,

is why he built a convenient land bridge to the fire.

What?

You're so dumb.

It's done.

Hey, so I kind of need to go die with the pressures. All I ask is that my

scene be accompanied by a piece of very dramatic film score.

Oh, come on, man.

Welcome back, and big thanks to all the

viewers still sending us DMs.

Viewer Gail Kay writes, Have y 'all been to space?

Okay, now that's a bit tone deaf.

Viewer Ryan asks, How did the Griffin family get to Quahog in the first place?

Funny story. The Griffins' pioneer ancestors actually traveled to Quahog on

Oregon Trail.

The other way. Let's watch.

Good evening and welcome to Channel 5 News, Oregon.

Coming up, moss, and lots of it. But first, in summer trends, there's an all

-new race to be unjustifiably prejudiced against, and it's called Chinese.

Man, Oregon sucks so bad. For a state called the Beaver State, this place is a

sausage fest.

I'm with Pioneer Chris.

Having to pay for everything in otter pelts is a hassle. Also, the megs keep

dying.

You, you're the inside mid now. The rest of you come bury your sister very

shallowly. You know, I hear tell of a majestic territory somewhere out yonder

called Quahog, Rhode Island.

Ooh, I've heard the same.

They say there's a whole small world out east with minimal land just ripe for

the taking.

Why, it's the American destiny.

Manifest retreat.

Oregon's not so bad, guys. What about the microbrews?

Silly beer. We're staying in Oregon.

And finally, tonight in sports, hope is high for Oregon's premier athlete, Steve

Pre -Pre -Pre -Pre Fontaine. We're leaving.

Ah, the journey begins.

And we've already lost a Meg to dysentery.

Please, just don't put the cause of death on my tombstone.

Nah, people need to know you died gross.

Explosive feels like an unnecessary detail.

How's the Oregon Trail going for everyone so far, huh?

Are we having a good Oregon Trail?

Let me know when you need snacks.

Brian, does this Stewie want to kill Lois?

Uh, I don't know. Yeah, I'm not really sure what the rules are. I think I'm

going to kind of lay low until this one finishes.

Oh, no, we weren't counting on this river.

Is there some way around it?

I don't know. Maybe we could check the map. Oh, yeah, let's check the very

helpful map.

Chris. Hey, guys, while you've been bickering, we lost another three megs.

I mean, I guess we could use the dead megs as a raft and float across the

I'm being facetious, of course. I don't think we should use the megs. One meg

raft later.

Hey, I think Chris is starting to lose it. He's over there hosting a real

housewives reunion with snowmen.

Okay, let her talk. We're gonna let her talk, and then we're gonna hear what

you're trying to say.

We're in real trouble, guys. If we don't find a way off this mountain like now,

we're gonna die up here.

All right, give me one second. I'm gonna go pray on this, because human brains

are stupid back now.

God, it's me, Peter Griffin's pioneer ancestor.

My family is lost, and we need your help.

Please send an angel who will deliver us to safety in Rhode Island. God, if you

do this for us, I promise to stop kicking over grave markers I see on the

of the trail. Amen.

Peter. Oh, boy.

Okay, God, if you could just send one more angel. Look, I'm putting the gun

down. And maybe he could come out in front of me where it's not a surprise.

Hey.

Hey, man. Look, just... Be cool, all right?

I'm just going to do a pioneer miracle for you and your family, all right?

Nobody else needs to get hurt.

You already shot Jerry.

He had a name. Now I feel worse.

He didn't have a family, though, right? Angels don't have families.

Let's just do this.

There. That's Quahog, Rhode Island.

Sweet! Hey, guys, come on. I found Quahog all by myself.

Ten points for Peter Griffin. That puts Griffin at 620 points total, a new

Oregon Trail record.

Well,

family, we made it. And with just one meg to spare. Welcome home, everyone.

Peanut, doesn't this house belong to someone else?

Not for long.

Hey, guys, you had 1 ,000 years to invent guns, and you didn't, so sorry.

I know, I know this sucks, but all of America did this, so it's not just me,

it's okay.

Ah, terrific.

Let's never teach about that in our schools.

Oh, that's kind of a sad ending for Native Americans.

Eh, it's not so bad. In 200 years, what's left of the Doobie Brothers is

play at their casino.

Well, it's good to finally be settled in New England.

Yeah, but you better get going.

Why? Because the only profession in 19th century New England is being soaking

wet on a whaling boat.

It is a whale. That's not the one specific whale that made me angry a few

back. Oh, God. New England stinks until Tom Brady.

Welcome back. The DMs from viewers are still rolling in.

Javier writes, hey guys, since the Cleveland show was such a big success, I

wonder if you've considered giving Quagmire a show of his own. Well,

success might be overly charitable, but as it happens, Quagmire actually did

have his very own variety show back in the 1960s. We've tracked down the only

existing episode.

Let's check it out.

Hey gang, I'm Glenn Quagmire and this is the Giggity Good Time Hour.

Let's open the show as we always do by totally ruining a current song.

This one has got some very large boobies. That one has got a very nice

They all are dancing very close to me. That's why I say, Giggity.

Thanks, hon. Keep them coming till the 70s get here.

Whoa, how'd you all get in my house?

The implication being that I've had so much to drink, I don't know where I am.

But no, I don't have a pricking problem, a drinking problem.

Oh,

we got a great show for you tonight. Now stay tuned while I vamp with this piece

of on -set furniture, and that somehow counts as entertainment.

Whoa,

whoa, whoa!

Have you ever seen such furniture?

Oh, boy!

We are having a wild time tonight.

Whoa! Hey, won't somebody help me with this crazy couch?

You're watching the Glenn Quagmire Giggity Good Time Hour with special

Orson Welles, Tiny Tech, the Little Person Cowboy, the Giggity Good Time

and the winner of the Man Booker Prize for Narrative Nonfiction, Professor

Sherrod Feinblatt of Cornell University.

Brought to you by DuPont Chemical.

DuPont, thank God you can't Google us yet.

Thanks, doll. This is almost it for me. Just 18 more, okay?

Because I drink so much, 18 drinks feels like not that many drinks.

Stop saying the premise of the joke you just said. Just tell the joke.

Oh, somebody's at the Giggity Good Time door.

I'm sure it's not something wild and outrageous.

What? This is the last thing I expected to see.

They just keep coming.

Look at all this. Wow.

This is a wild... Hey, freaking easy, buddy.

Idiot. Oh, so many bad people.

Noise equals fun.

What could possibly be zanier?

We hope you're enjoying the Glenn Quagmire Giggity Good Time Hour.

Sponsored by Housewife Screaming Bags. We know you're frustrated, ladies.

Scream into this bag.

And now, here's Glenn with the only reasonably attractive zookeeper in the

Western Hemisphere.

Now, who's this guy?

This is Chloe. She's seven years old. And don't worry, she only panics around

cigarette smoke and hair tonic. Oh, boy.

This reminds me of my weekend at Lake George with Ava Gardner. Go to break.

it away, Smokey the sock puppet.

The Glenn Quagmire Giggity Good Time Hour will be back in just a minute. No

ands, or buts.

And we're back with the lovely Dr.

Sharon Feinblatt, here to talk about her new book. Now, what is it, Sharon? It's

called Days of Disorder, Weimar Germany and the Birth of Modernity.

Fascinating. Get up and give us a little spin, would you?

Uh, um, what?

Nah, I'm just joshing. Please go on while I bite my fist in a caricature of

sexual longing.

So, um, my book posits that on its own merits, Weimar, Germany was a

laboratory of cultural innovation.

Great. And can you share some of the recipes from the book?

Excuse me?

The joke being that if a woman wrote a book in these times, it's obviously a

cookbook. You're doing it again.

This was a mistake. I am leaving. And you should see a doctor about your

sweating. It's a real problem.

Oh, come on. You haven't even danced in the giant birdcage yet.

Please give Dr. Feinblatt a big hand while I scream at an off -screen

Who booked that person?

No! No, Roy! You can't just show me a picture, and I say yes, and then you

tell me what she's about, Roy. Do your job, Roy. Stay tuned for more of the

Glenn Quagmire Giggity Good Time Hour, brought to you by Milk at Dinner.

It's still the 60s, so wash down your dinner with a big glass of milk like a

psychopath.

Mr. Quagmire, Dr.

Dentist Orson Welles will see you now. My God, I played King Lear in the West

End. Yeah, well, I'd like to leer at her West End.

Doctor, I brought... Hey, guys, guys, not this one, okay? This is my niece.

She's in this sketch as a favor to my brother, all right?

Go ahead, Denise.

I brought the patient's bill.

Can you imagine?

This will be so expensive.

Oh, my God. It just keeps going.

Have you ever? It's just the craziest.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, our time is up. And not just our time for this

episode. The entire 1960s have concluded. And the 70s will have no time

this. So for now, how drippy can one guy be?

Three pints of moisture on me.

And you're asking, I bet.

Why is he looking so wet?

These lights are very hot, ladies and gentlemen. Good night.

Thanks for watching the Glenn Quagmire Diggity Good Time Hour. Brought to you

Stepson Beating Belt. He's not your son, but he'll do what you say with Stepson

Beating Belt.

Well, we've had a good time tonight. But as you can see, our bow ties are now

undone and our shirt collars are open, which indicates the end of a long, crazy

night. I said stop doing that. Thanks to everyone who sent in DMs and to any

female fans who got direct responses from me last night, I was hacked. We

you enjoyed the show and... What?

Who could possibly be knocking at the Stewie Griffin Super Fun Door?

Oh, this better not be something crazy.

Oh, what a delightful surprise.

Oh, my goodness. They just keep coming and coming.

Oh, there's so many of them. Have you ever been so entertained?