Original subtitles

Step on it, steve.

Can't this hoopty Go any faster?

But I'm pushing 8 miles an hour.

Well, thank you For picking me up From the airport.

You know I just get So discombobulated

Trying to find My way around this Big old windy city.

Well, glad I Could help, myrtle,

But why all The luggage?

I am staying for The entire weekend.

Ah. So what brings you To chi-town this time?

I am hellbent on claiming Edward winslow as my own.

Oh, but, myrtle,

You know eddie's Still dating greta.

Why do you keep Torturing yourself?

I just can't help it.

My love for eddie

Just burns in my belly Like fresh corn liquor.

Every time I think of that Tall drink of yoo-woo

I just wanna sip from The well till it's dry.

Well, if you Feel that strongly About eddie,

Don't give up.

Sometimes dreams Do come true.

Who would have Ever thought I'd Be dating laura?

Mmm. Certainly not me.

There's No greater feeling In the whole world

Than when The person you love

Finally starts To tolerate you.

For years, laura Would barely Speak to me,

And just last week,

She actually said She loved me.

Ohh!

[sobs]

Myrtle?

[blows nose]

Ohh, steve!

You have somebody.

Why, I'm all alone,

And quite frankly, I'm getting tired

Of resetting My biological clock.

But, myrtle, You're not even 21.

You don't understand.

After the age of 23,

Urkel women begin To start to look...

Uh, mannish.

I have to snag edward

Before my beard comes in.

Ooh! Steve, look out!

Whoo! Whoo!

[door opens]

Hey, baby.

Heh heh heh .

How...

Is...

The love of my life, huh?

[growls]

Well, now, why Are you so happy?

Am I happy?

I guess I am happy.

Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy.

What, did you Get a raise?

No, I got rejuvenated.

I finally took your advice And got one of those Therapeutic massages.

10 minutes ago, I was sitting pretty In shiatsu city.

Ohh.

Well, you're Feeling good?

Oh, baby.

I am a new man.

Ariana poked...

Prodded...

And pounded all Of my stress away.

That's great, honey.

Ariana?

Yeah, my masseuse.

Ah.

Is she attractive?

No.

No.

Just the opposite.

Mm-hmm. Heh heh.

Big, beefy sister.

Swollen...

With a wanky eye.

Oh.

Hey, family. What's up?

Carl: hey.

You miss me?

Miss you?

How could We miss you?

You been Over here every day Since you moved out.

Oh. Don't you Pay any attention To your father.

I missed you, baby.

That's right.

And you know the reason I'm always over here

Is 'cause I miss my mommy.

Yeah.

And you want me To do your laundry.

Please?!

Alright, eddie, But from now on,

You're gonna Do your own Laundry, ok?

Ah, thanks, mom.

Oh, mom, don't forget The fabric softener.

You know it makes My shirts smell sweet And springtime fresh.

Ooh.

Sweet and Springtime fresh?

Mmm. Y'all must be Talking about me.

Quick! Somebody Call the zoo!

The water buffalo Broke loose!

Oh. Now, Eddie, be nice.

Mama, I am being nice.

I was gonna say, "Quick! Somebody Call the news!

They just had A bigfoot sighting!"

But I held back.

Well, I ain't Holding back,

You big old Squeeze bottle Of honey.

I want you, and I'm gonna have you.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm!

I like my mens Like I like my coffee--

Hot, black, and strong.

Edward.

Ooh.

I'll get him later.

Hi, laura.

Eeh!

I mean, hi.

Oh, I can't sleep.

For some reason, Mr. Sandman Has ignored me tonight.

Myrtle, It's only 7:30.

Oh. Well, I'm depressed.

I'm a mississippi queen

Sleeping all alone In a california king.

[sobs]

[blows nose]

Uh, myrtle...

Is--is there Anything I can do?

Hold me.

[gasping]

There, there, myrtle.

Oh, laura, I'm at my wits' end

Over edward's Constant rejection Of my affections.

But, myrtle, eddie's Always rejected you,

And it never seemed To bother you before.

Oh, of course it did.

I just masked the pain.

Oh, sure, I know What you were thinking.

I'm just Another carefree,

Incredibly pretty Rich girl.

But deep inside,

I'm a heartbroken, Incredibly pretty Rich girl.

You read my mind, Myrtle.

Oh, my, my, my!

Why doesn't edward Love me?!

You don't think It's because my feet are Bigger than his, do you?

No.

Uh, myrtle, you know,

I think that you Just don't have the...

Look that eddie goes for.

What do you mean?

Well, you know, um...

You're behind the times By a few, uh...

Decades.

Oh, but my style Is classic.

Oh, this is timeless, Honey, timeless.

This is timeless.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, maybe,

But, um, it's not Exactly eddie's style.

You know, He likes a girl with A hot nineties look.

Hmm.

Well...

Maybe I could Stand to make a few Eensy-weensy changes.

What do you suggest?

Head-to-toe makeover.

Ooh, mercy.

Would you help me?

Ooh, I thought You'd never ask.

Alright, myrtle.

Now, binge is The hottest store In the mall.

Mm, bet. Everyone Who shops here is fly.

Why don't you look around And see what grabs you?

Ok. Let's see here.

Ooh.

Look, look, look.

Oh, isn't this The most adorable Little ensemb?

No. No.

Oh. That dress is perfect.

[doubtful] On me?

No, girl, on me.

You know, ladies,

I'm not too sure These clothes really Say, "Myrtle."

They seem to be saying, "Kellie" or "Cherie"

Or cutesy little Girl names like that.

Myrtle, How about this one?

It's half off.

Hmm. No wonder. It's only half a dress.

Besides, no one Would look good In that rag.

Unless you A hootchie mama.

Myrtle, if you wanna Sell some cake,

Baby, you gotta Put on some icing.

Ooh! You so naughty!

Now, the trick To looking good

Is to accentuate Your best features.

Oh, yes.

And that Would be?

Actually, myrtle, You have nice legs.

A miniskirt would Show them off.

Work it, Girlfriend.

Ooh, you're right.

No more hiding These gorgeous gams.

[giggles]

Yep. Charge it!

If you really Wanna stop traffic,

You should Buy a bustier.

Ooh, scandalous.

And very sexy.

Mmm. I'll take 2.

Charge it!

And nothing Says wild woman Like a cat suit.

[gasps]

Purrrr.

Charge it!

Now we're talking.

Yes, charge it all!

Charge it! Charge it! Charge it all!

Ooh, and charge these.

Ooh, ooh, and-- And charge these.

I had my eye on that one.

Charge this. Charge this. Ooh, ooh, charge that!

Whoo!

Aah! Charge it!

Aah!

Charge it!

And charge that! And charge that!

And charge that!

Get ready, eddie, 'cause myrtle mae urkel

Is droppin' her inhibitions

Raising her hem line

And unleashing the full power Of her womanlyhood.

Whoo! Hallelujah!

[doorbell rings]

Hello.

Oh, hi.

If you're looking For eddie, he moved.

Oh, actually, I'm looking For captain carl.

Captain carl?

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's just my little Nickname for him.

Actually, his name Is carl winslow.

[giggles]

Are you the maid?

No, sweetie.

I'm the wife,

Admiral harriette.

Oh. Heh. I'm sorry.

[giggles]

I'm ariana.

Oh.

The masseuse?

Oh, I prefer the term "Licensed therapeutic Reflexologist."

[giggles]

After all, I am a professional.

I bet you are.

Well, now, how can I help you, ariana?

Oh, well, I just came by

To return the captain's Credit card.

I guess he was Feeling so good when I finished with him,

He just floated home Without it.

Oh, ho ho ho ho.

Thank you so much.

[imitates giggle]

Bye-bye.

Carl.

[sweetly] Oh, carl.

Yeah?

Can I see you For a sec?

Yeah, hon?

Your masseuse Just stopped by.

Ariana?

That's right, Captain carl.

Oh. Well, You see, honey--

Heh heh heh.

That's a little nickname

Due to the fact That I'm a, you know, I'm a--I'm a, uh...

Captain. Heh heh heh. Heh heh heh.

And that my name Is, you know, you know, My name is, uh...

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Carl. Heh heh heh heh. Yeah.

Well, the interesting Thing is, carl,

When I asked you What she looked like,

You used the phrase, "Big, beefy sister."

Well, now, you see, You misunderstood.

Mm-hmm. Yep, you did,

See, because, What I said was

That she had A big, beefy sister.

That's what I said. Mm-hmm.

You said she was swollen And had a wanky eye.

Well, you see--no. No, I didn't say that.

You see, what I said Was she went bowling,

And she had some Swanky pie they served At the bowling alley.

Ok, harriette, I lied.

But why?

Well, I figured If I told you,

You wouldn't let her Rub on me anymore.

Well, carl, You're right.

But, harriette, She really is A good masseuse.

I mean, my back Never felt better.

And our health insurance Covers 10% of it.

And the fact That she's attractive Doesn't matter?

Nah!

Uh-uh. No, no. No way. Uh-uh.

Good, 'cause We gonna find you A terrific masseuse

Who really is swollen And has a wanky eye.

Yeah, but, harriette... Well, you see...

Steve, come on. We're gonna be late For the movies.

I'm ready.

What's in the basket?

Oh, just a few snacks.

Let's see What we got here.

Badger chips...

A fresh jar Of squid jelly.

Ooh! And lastly...

Weasel dogs!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Don't eat me.

Don't eat me. Don't eat me! Aah!

What about popcorn?

At the movies?

Psst!

Is the coast clear?

If you're wondering Where myrtle is, She's upstairs.

And she's got a big Surprise for you.

Uh-uh. Not for me.

I'm sneaking into The laundry room,

I'm getting my clothes, And I'm out of here.

Well, I hope you're not Wearing any cologne

Because myrtle Has a nose like A bloodhound.

Yeah, and A face to match.

Gaa!

Hey, sailor.

Buy a girl a drink?

Myrtle?

Live and in color.

Oh, you look different.

Sexy?

No. I ain't saying All that now.

I-I just said You look different.

What's wrong With your eyes?

I replaced my spectacles With tinted lenses.

Maxine coifed my do,

And laura helped me pick out This spicy little number.

Yeah. That's Real nice, myrtle. See ya.

What's the hurry, Big fella?

Myrtle, please.

Oh, my!

We're all alone In this great big, Old house.

If you were to make A pass at me,

There'd be no one To hear my cries.

But they'd hear mine.

Myrtle, no! Uh--aah!

Oh! Oh! Oh! You nasty boy!

However did you get me In this compromising Position?

Oh!

Don't! Stop it! Get off me! Aah!

Oh! Oh!

Edward! On the floor?!

You animal!

There are some things a good Girl just won't do.

But for you, I'm bad.

Oh! Myrtle, stop!

Get off me! Don't!

Myrtle, stay away From me! I'm--

I'm out--myr--

Aah! Myrtle, stop it!

Don't touch me! I mean it! I'm not playing with you.

I might have to Start swinging.

Myrtle, stop it! Aah!

You hold still! Hold still, My chocolate hunk.

Aah! Ooh!

Why, look at me...

Haven't I Suffered enough?

What am I doing?

Why, I'm behaving Like a common strumpet,

Flinging myself upon you With reckless abandon!

Oh! It's scandalous!

Oh! Well, no more!

I have far too much pride And way too much money

To chase you like this.

But that never Stopped you before.

I know.

And I finally realized

No matter how the package Is wrapped,

You just don't want The gift.

I'm sorry, myrtle.

Don't cry for me, Eddie winslow.

Ooh!

My heart may be broken, But it will heal

'cause there's a whole world Of mens out there.

And I'm gonna find me one That's gonna love me the way I deserve to be loved.

Myrtle? Myr-myrtle?

So this means that You're not gonna Chase me anymore?

No.

And you're not Gonna buy me Expensive gifts

Or have me followed?

No.

W-w-wait. You Mean that I-it's--

It's really, Truly over?

That's right.

Whoa!

Well, myrtle...

What's my life Gonna be like Without you in it?

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

[roy orbison's Pretty woman plays]