Original subtitles

Eddie...

Can I wear Your jacket?

Thank you.

Howdy-do, My dewy-eyed doe.

Hey, nice outfit.

Been fixing Cuckoo clocks again?

Oh, you.

Hee hee hee. [snort]

Nope. There's big doin's Down at the polka hall.

We're planning this year's Polkapalooza.

Polkapa-what?

Polkapalooza.

Why, it's only chicago's Biggest polka event ever.

It's the woodstock Of polka.

Now, keep this Under your hat,

But I think we're gonna Get stosh kibbitz And the kibbitones.

Don't worry. Your secret's Safe with me.

So save next saturday For me, baby.

Why?

Well, don't ya Want to go to Polkapalooza with me?

I'd rather have A spinal tap.

Oh, but, laura, You have to go.

I even bought you This swell polka dress.

It's even been Scotchguarded to repel Kielbasa juice.

You know, that's Really tempting,

But I think I'll pass.

But, laura, this is Very important to me.

Steve, so is My dignity.

Now, laura, if We're going to have A successful relationship,

There's gonna have to be Some give and take here.

That means I do Everything you want,

And once a year, You do one thing I want.

Steve, I'll give you Anything else...

My car, My life savings,

Even a kidney,

But, please, Don't ask me To polka.

Uh--

Oh, but, laura. Uh--

Oh, hey, dad.

Hey, son.

Sorry I'm late For our gin game.

That's okay.

I passed the time by Playing solitaire.

Hey, guess what.

I was out today Looking at apartments.

Oh, why?

You thinking about Moving out?

Well, I mean, dad, I'm in the police Academy now,

And I'm gonna be A cop soon.

If I have to go on Stakeout or something,

The last thing In the world I want to hear

Is mom saying, "Don't forget to Take a sweater."

Besides, don't you think It's time I got out On my own anyway?

Well, son, Don't rush into it.

You know, you've Been living here For 21 years.

I'm just Getting used to Having you around.

Thanks, dad,

But, um, I already Found my apartment.

Oh, really?

Yeah. And it's Kickin', too.

It's got a great view, And it's not too far away.

Trust me--I'll be Back every week To borrow money.

No, son, I'm gonna miss you.

Can I come visit?

Heck, yeah.

Drop on anytime.

Okay.

Gin rummy, penny a point.

Uh, dad, if you don't mind, You think maybe we could, uh...

Up the stakes Just a little bit?

How much?

Well, I'm gonna be needin' Some stuff for

My new apartment And everything.

What do say that if I win, I get the tv,

If you win, you get To keep it, huh?

Nice try, edward. Cut.

Thanks for letting me Do your hair, laura.

This is great practice For my class.

Hey, I like The price--free.

And you'll be done Just in time for the Big polka hoedown.

Max, have you been Talking to steve?

Yeah. He begged me To beg you to go.

And you told him, Sorry, I'm due back On planet earth?

Nope. I think you should go.

What? Why?

Look, If you're gonna Date steve urkel,

You've got to Get into his world.

Max, you've Told me 100 times

That I'm crazy for Going out with steve.

That's right.

But you wouldn't Go on medication, So here we are.

If you're gonna Hang with steve,

You've gotta take The whole weird Bug collecting,

Cheese eating, Ha-ha-snort snortin' Package.

So you actually Think I should go To his polkapalooza?

Yes. And hopefully You will get Scared straight.

Now, let's see how Your hair turned out.

How's it look?

Festive.

Um, I'm just Gonna make a few Adjustments.

Oh, well, let me see.

Not yet.

Laura?

Yeah?

Girl, how close are we To st. Patrick's day?

What did you do?

[screams]

Girl, you know that Look good on you.

[knock on door]

Who's that Knocking at my door?

Huh?

Hey! Dad! Hey...

This is a surprise. Come on in.

Thanks.

Check it out. Check it out.

Well, so these are The new digs, huh?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

This is the combination Living room, family Room, dining room,

Den, and library.

Hmm.

And what's back there?

Oh, that is The combination Bedroom, gym,

And telecommunications center.

Aha.

What do you think?

I think I arrested Somebody here once. I'm kidding.

No, I like it. I like it.

Hey, let's see this View you told me about.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's not a view.

Oh, yeah, it is.

Just lean Out of the window

And look all the way To your left.

2 of the bulls' Cheerleaders Live there.

Hmm?

Ohh...

Now, that's a view.

Huh?

Ha ha ha ha...

Hey, why don't you Take a break

And fix your old man Some lunch, huh?

Oh, why don't you Take off that jacket

And help your son Finish painting?

I like My idea better.

Oh, alright.

So, dad, how are Things at home?

Oh, fine.

Laura tried To kill max.

Well...Why?

I don't know.

Something About hair.

Those 2 Are always at it.

Well, you know How women are.

Mm-hmm.

They got to fuss About their hair, Their makeup...

If it ain't One thing, It's another.

Hey, 3j, What's happening?

Dang, man, what's up With that get-up?

Well, What's the matter? You don't like it?

Nope.

A brother Shouldn't be wearin' Old freaky drawers.

I cannot believe You're going out In public like that.

Oh, my gosh!

You are so right.

I'd be A laughingstock...

If I forgot my hat.

So where Are you going?

Oh. To the polkapalooza.

I was hoping to Take laura, but--

She wouldn't be Caught dead there.

Exactly.

Well, hasta.

Laura: steve, wait.

Ohh!

Ach, du lieber Unguentine!

What a vision!

I feel like I'm the star of Heidi comes to harlem.

So does this mean You're going to the Polkapalooza with me?

I hope, I hope, I hope?

No. I'm auditioning To be the new St. Pauli girl.

Of course I'm going.

Alright!

But we're leaving Through the kitchen,

And I'm lying On the car floor While you drive.

Little boy...

Press that shutter, And I will personally Break you in half.

Oh, this could be The most wonderful Night of my life.

Or the most Embarrassing Of mine.

Welcome to My crib, baby.

Want a tour?

Sure.

Heh heh heh heh...

That was the first Part of the tour.

Oh, yeah? Well, am I The first visitor, Mr. Tour guide?

First and only, My dear.

Good answer.

Hit him, hit him, Hit him, hit him, ooh!

Ooh, ooh, ooh...

Dad?

Hey, son.

Hey, I got the fight On pay-per-view.

Come on, check it out.

Hi, greta.

Hi, mr. Winslow.

Yes!

Uh, dad, what Are you doing here?

Well, you told me To stop by anytime.

Right. Right. I guess I did, huh?

But, um, but--

But what?

Well, uh, nothing.

Hey, greta, Come on over, Have a seat.

Come on.

Well, alright.

You look nice.

Thank you.

Hey, you know, This is gonna be Some great bout.

Hey, eddie, Why don't you Get us some drinks?

Now, welterweights Are up first.

See that guy there, Rivera?

Sometimes He fights southpaw.

You like southpaws, Greta, don't you?

Oh, yeah. Who doesn't?

Hey, Want a pretzel?

Well, alright.

Ooh! You see that? Look at that!

Ooh! Isn't he somethin'?

[polka music plays]

Welcome to paradise, Meine liebschen.

I was afraid I might Run into somebody I know, but...

No chance of that.

Everybody! Everybody! Everybody!

Stop the music!

Everybody, look!

Das ist steve urkel!

Jaaa!

Steven, my friend!

Vas is up mit you?

Oskar, please, don't Crease the lederhosen.

Hey, bro, Give me funf.

Oh, oskar...

This skinny bohonk Saved my life.

How?

It was nothing, Really.

Nothing?

He gave me the Heimlich maneuver

When I was Choking on a big Chunk of bratwurst.

I'll never forget What he said to me.

"Chew before You swallow."

Oh, ja.

[speaking german]

Oh, sorry. No habla german.

She's telling you I delivered her baby

On a hayride Last oktoberfest.

Steve, you delivered a baby And you never told me?

Well, it probably happened During that 15 year window

When you really Weren't speaking to me.

Ach! Wiener schnitzel For steven and his lady.

Wiener Schnitzel! Wiener Schnitzel!

Guten tag, steve.

Oh, is this your New little sweetie?

Laura winslow, Berta hofziggler.

Ooh, ow. Heh...

Good grip.

I work For zacky farms.

I'm a chicken Choker.

Go to school For that?

Uh, steve...

I cannot Thank you enough

For starting The inner-city Polka clinics.

Oh, it's no Biggie, berta.

Oh, it's a big biggie.

Now kids All over chicago

Are improving their Lives through polka.

Would you like to meet The treetop polka tykes?

Treetop polka tykes?

Jaaa...

Kommen sie, kinder.

Aww... Ohh...

Die kleine kinder.

I'm steve urkel.

I'm steve urkel.

I'm steve urkel.

Well, thank you, Kids.

Run along. Run along.

Steve, This is amazing.

You started A clinic?

Well, polka's Given me so much,

I just had to give Something back.

It started With the bavarian Meals on wheels...

Which led to A fund drive to buy More beer clocks,

And finally The inner-city Polka clinics.

Steve, you're Incredible.

Oh, no, I'm just An ordinary guy

In canvas pants With a crazy dream.

Oh, ho ho.

Don't let this one Get away.

He's a vinner!

Not the cheek, Not the cheek, Not the cheek...

***

Ladies und gentlemen,

Put your mitts together

For stosh kibbitz Und the kibbitones!

***

Und a special thank you

To anna berkholtz-chang For her sweet and sour Wiener schnitzel!

Und now I know We're all itching To polka till we plotz...

But first,

It's time to announce This year's king polka.

Past winners of this Prestigious award

Have been none other than Herman mueller,

Rolf hunsburger,

Und tony danza.

But this year I think it's fair to say

The award goes to the King polka of the decade--

The only one to win Unanimousmously!

Steven q. Urkel!

***

Oh...

Oh, this--oh...

Gee, this is an Incredible honor.

Oh, I just love being here With all my polka pals,

But what makes it Extra special

Is that tonight I'm here with The love of my life,

Laura winslow.

Ohh... Aw...

Laura, take a bow!

Steve, steve...

Kommen sie.

Dance with Your sweetie.

Ja! Ja!

Good idea, berta.

Laura, may I have This dance?

Steve, I don't know How to polka.

Just follow my lead

And let the accordion Sweep you away.

Hit it, stosh!

***

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

What is it?

I'm actually Having fun.

Yes! And look, look, look! We got him on the ropes!

Give him a left! Give him a left!

Ooh! Give him A band-aid!

Ha ha ha! Isn't this great?

Oh, look, he's up again!

Yes! Yes!

Ooh! Boy, that boy's good!

Boy, did y'all see that?

Whoo! Ha ha...

Well, goodnight, Mr. Winslow.

It was nice Seeing you.

Oh. Greta, You're leaving.

But the fight Isn't over yet.

Oh, I'm sure There'll be Another one later.

Uh, baby, just--just-- Just wait one--

Greta--don't. Wait. Hold on--

Man, this boy's good.

You're missing The fight, man. Come on.

Dad, we need To talk.

Can't it wait Till after the fight?

[click]

I guess not.

Something wrong, son?

Dad, we--we got To talk about The apartment.

Edward, I think I know What's bothering you.

Oh, thank Goodness, dad,

Because I thought I'd have to--

You know, it takes A big man to admit When he's wrong...

Yes, it does, dad.

And this man is wrong.

Thank goodness, dad, That you feel that way.

You know, at first I thought the yellow Paint wouldn't work.

But you know, it really Brightens the place up.

Uh, dad, That's not exactly What's bothering me.

Oh?

No.

L-look at this, dad.

This is your glass From lunch Yesterday.

And this...

This is The coffee mug

You used At breakfast 2 days ago.

Then this, Of course--

Uh-huh, can't Forget about this--

Is your plate From tonight.

Now...

What do all of these Things tell you?

You're way behind In your dishwashing.

Never mind.

Son, if you've got Something to say,

Just say it.

Okay. Here it is.

Look, dad, you know, These past few days,

We've been Spending a lot Of time together.

I mean, I've really Enjoyed myself.

It's been great. But, um...

The whole reason That I got This place

Was so that I could Be on my own.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, now--now, Come on, don't Get mad, dad.

Oh, I'm--I'm mad, Alright.

Mad at myself.

Son, this is your place, And you have every right To your privacy.

I mean, the fact that You even have to Bring it up...

Oh, man...

You and greta Came up here To be alone, right?

Well--well, yeah.

Ah. Lucky I was here, huh?

Dad!

No, son. I'm just kidding.

Boy, I'm really Sorry, edward.

I feel like a fool.

Even worse, I feel Like an old fool.

Oh, now, dad, Don't feel that way.

Truth is...

I guess I wasn't Ready to let go.

But you know, son,

You're a grown man now, And I'm gonna have to Get used to that.

Well, dad, I want you to know

That you are More than welcome To stop on by anytime.

Just call me first.

Oh, I will. Heh heh heh...

Yeah, I will.

Hey, what do you say We finish watching The fight?

Ah, no, no.

I'm gonna Let you have your Place to yourself.

But you know, son,

I want to tell you, I'm really proud Of you.

This really is A great place.

Oh, thanks, dad.

Take it easy.

Hey, you know what?

I think I will watch The fight with you.

Come on.

Move over.

Steve?

Hmm?

You know, it's funny...

You had to Drag me down here,

But I ended up having One of the best times Of my life.

That's the magic Of polka.

Laura?

Hmm?

I love you.

Steve?

Hmm?

I love you, too.