Original subtitles

Hello?

Moscow general hospital?

Yeah. Can I speak to Dr. Roberta urkel, please?

Thank you.

Roberta!

* happy birthday to you *

[continues song]

* happy birthday, dear mom *

* happy birthday-- *

What?

It's me--steve.

Steve urkel.

Your son.

Yes, yes, it has been A long time.

Yeah, I'm having A bad connection, too.

Well, it seems--

Hello? [dial tone]

Hello?

Hey. What's up, steve?

Hey, 3j. How's it goin'?

Fine. Hey, man, what got Your jockeys in a bunch?

Ahh, my mom's in russia,

And I miss her a lot.

Hmm. What's that?

One of my baby pictures.

[chuckles] Dang, man, You had a big ol' head.

My mother Had just dropped me,

And the swelling Hadn't gone down yet.

Seems kind of cold To me.

That's my mama.

D-oh.

At least you know Who your mom is.

Hey, sweetie.

Hi, honey.

Oh, darn! We're outta pudding.

And I wanted something sweet.

Aww!

Well...

Is that sweet enough?

Yeah.

But I still want pudding.

3j, why are you home so early From hockey practice?

I didn't feel like playing.

Something wrong?

Come on, you can Talk to us, son.

But that's just it.

I'm not your son.

I'm nobody's son.

Well, what brought This on?

I been thinking About my mom.

I want to know where she is So I can have a real family.

3j, you do have A real family. Us.

And we love you Very much.

I love you guys, too,

But we're not related.

I'm just your foster kid.

I want to know What happened to my mom.

I always feel like Something's missing.

Oh, honey.

Will you guys help me Look for my mom?

Well, uh, 3j--

Mr. W, you're A police captain.

I'm sure you know Lots of people.

I'll bet you could Find someone who knows Where my mom is.

Of course We'll help you, 3j.

I can't promise Anything, 3j.

You know, chicago's A pretty big city,

But I'll see What I can do.

Thanks, mr. W. You're the best.

Okay.

Harriette, I'm not so sure That this is a good idea.

Carl, 3j is just A little boy.

If he feels This abandoned now,

How is he gonna feel When he grows up?

But what if we Find his mother?

What if she Wants him back?

That's A possibility.

Yeah.

Scary one.

Yeah, but The bottom line

Is we have to do What's best for 3j.

Alright.

Who's the king Of jordan?

I don't know. Michael?

No. Hussein.

Well, what team is he on?

[doorbell rings]

Hi, laura!

How's my dear, sweet Future sister-in-law, Doin'?

Alright.

I'm fine, myrtle. What are you Doin' in town?

Girl, I'm here on A mission of mercy.

I am determined to save My beloved edward

From the clutches Of that witch greta.

It's time he dropped That skeezer

And experienced the love Of a real woman.

I'm sorry, Lizard lips...

But you're Out of luck.

See, eddie only Dates air-breathing Mammals.

Oh, it's you.

Does your mother know You're entertaining Wildebeests

In the living room?

Now, ladies, Let's be civilized.

Come on, say something Nice to each other.

Myrtle...

That is a very Pretty outfit.

Thank you.

That shade of yellow

Matches your teeth Perfectly.

I see you've managed To lose some weight.

You're nothing but Skin and cellulite.

Well, I'd rather Look like this

Than a streetwalking Chicken.

Who you calling A chicken, clucky?

What? Girl, Now you gettin'--

No! Uh-uh!

I'm gonna Give you Some of this.

Sto--stop!

Uh-uh. Alright.

Okay.

Fine. Alright.

Okay.

Now, you two are Out of control.

This ridiculous fighting Has been going on For far too long.

Well, we wouldn't Have a problem

If she would just Stay in her cage.

Look who's talking,

The creature from The ugly lagoon.

Girl, I will-- Don't you start.

I'm tired of you. No, you won't. Whoa!

Uh-uh!

Get off of me.

Y'all gonna Pull out my weave.

You know, it's too bad You two aren't guys.

Well, I do have My doubts about This one over here.

What are you Getting at, laura?

Oh, Put the hand down.

Well, when 2 guys Have a problem,

They duke it out, And it's over with.

Hmm.

You're right.

Right here, Right now,

Right cross!

Whoa, girl!

Hey, hey, wait!

Hey, hey! Come on!

Hey!

Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

No! No! No!

No! Uh-uh!

If you're Gonna fight,

Y'all got to do it In a civilized way.

What do you mean?

In a boxing ring.

Hmm.

A duel Of fisticuffs.

Uh-uh!

I'd like Nothing more

Than to go Evander holyfield On this heifer.

Well, you are on, Gruesome.

Fine, and if I win,

I get to go out on A date with eddie,

And you have To drive the limo.

And I'll even leave The privacy Screen down

So you can See how a woman

Is really supposed To treat her mens.

Alright.

And if I win,

You have to haul Your heinous heinie Back to biloxi,

For good!

Alright, Then it's settled.

Saturday, you guys'll Duke it out.

And may The best girl win.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

I will. I will.

Hey, honey.

Hi, sweetheart.

Mm-hmm.

Well, guess who I talked to during Lunch today?

Who?

3j's mother.

You're kidding.

Well, it wasn't easy,

But, uh, I finally Managed to track her Down, yeah.

Well, come on, tell me. What happened?

What did she say?

What's she like?

Well, we talked For over an hour.

She wanted to know All about 3j, of course.

Why in the world Did she give him up?

Well, she said That she was 16 when She got pregnant,

So she had To drop out of school.

No job, and, uh,

Even worse, she had A drug problem.

Oh, no.

What about the father?

Well, he bailed, so--

So she gave 3j up For adoption.

Mm-hmm.

Well, what's Her situation now?

Well, she said It's still tough, But she's trying.

She's in a rehab program...

So she's trying To get her life together.

She says it's a struggle,

But she's still In no position To take care of 3j.

I hope 3j understands When she tells him.

Well, actually, Harriette, uh...

3j's mother feels It would be best

That he didn't know Who she is.

Oh, carl, he's gonna Be so disappointed.

How do we tell him That his own mother

Doesn't even want To meet him?

I don't know, harriette.

I mean, I can't lie to him.

Even when the truth Is this painful?

What are we gonna do?

I don't know, harriette.

I just don't know.

Come on, don't Go with this, baby.

You know, greta,

You don't have to Fight myrtle for me.

Yes, I do.

When I whup her bony butt,

She'll be out Of our lives forever.

Myrtle!

Hey, greta.

Lookin' good, girl.

You ready for myrtle?

Are you kidding?

I'm gonna Grind her grits.

5 bucks says that Greta beats that Prissy myrtle up

In 5 rounds.

You're on,

'cause when it Comes to fighting,

I put my money On ugly.

[rocky-like theme playing]

[cheering]

Hellooooo,

Fight fans!

12 rounds of grudge boxing

Introducing, In the yellow trunks,

The goddess from chicago,

The windy-city wonder,

The peach with a punch,

Greta mccluuuure!

Aaaaand,

In the pink trunks,

The biloxi bomber,

The magnolia mauler,

The skirt with a hurt,

Miss myrtle mae urkel!

The referee For this afternoon's match is...

My cousin ralph.

Alright, I want A good, clean fight.

Break when I tell you.

No holding, no biting, No choking, no kicking,

No stomping, No hair-pulling.

In the event of a knockdown,

Go to a neutral corner and Stay there till I tell ya.

Any questions? No? Good. Fight.

Eddie: that's it, baby! Way to slam it!

What's the matter, Myrtie, huh?

All that makeup Slowing you down?

Huh?

You're kind of quick For a chubby girl.

What?

But here's a little Fashion tip.

With hips that wide, Stay away from Bright colors.

1...

2...

Pay up!

Pay up! She's on her butt!

I hope she didn't Hurt herself.

Get up, myrtle!

Get up!

8...

9.

Man: yeah!

[all cheering]

Oh, I'm peeved.

You twisted my wonderbra.

Oh, it's a wonderbra, Alright.

It's wondering What it's doing there.

Oh, I'm knocking you out!

Eddie, don't Do that now.

Do that later.

Eddie: Good shot, baby!

Oh, that it.

Take that, You windy-city warthog.

Ralph: 1... Get up!

2...3...

Ooh! Pay up, Baby!

Pay up!

Not so fast. Look.

7...

8...

9.

[all cheering]

Had enough, hussy?

I'm just getting Warmed up, heifer.

Oh, come on. Come on.

Bell, bell, bell, bell. Bell, bell, bell, bell.

Get--get--

Alright, now, Lookie here, greta.

I want you to work Your jab, alright?

Put together Some combinations, baby.

Take your time, alright?

Now, come across With the right hand

And keep your guard up.

Don't sweat so much.

It's making Your mascara run.

And keep your guard up, Because every time She hits you,

It smears your rouge.

Mm-hmm. Look, I'm not A magician.

I can only do So much.

[buzzer sounds]

Aah! Aah!

Hey, hey, hey, Come on, break it up.

Hey, I said Break it up!

Hey, I'm the ref Over here.

Come on, break it up!

1...

2...

3... Get up!

4...5... Get up!

6...7... Well, somebody get up!

8...

9...

10!

They're out!

What does this mean?

All bets are off.

It's a draw.

Oh, well, eddie.

I guess you still Have myrtle after you.

[both laughing]

Skank.

Gator bait.

Hey, handsome. How was your cake?

I'm not sure.

I need another piece

Before I can Really give you An honest answer.

Cute, 3j, but I think You've had enough.

Okay, mr. W, Lunch is over.

You can give me The bad news now.

What are you talking about?

Well, whenever You got bad news,

You feed me real good.

Like that time you Let me have 3 milkshakes

Then told me my tonsils Had to come out.

Now, today you let me Have pancakes

And chocolate cake.

So it's gotta Be awful news.

Well, 3j, uh...

I do have some Bad news for you.

But I got some Pretty good news, too.

Is the bad news About my mom?

Yes.

You see, 3j, Harriette and I

Have given this situation A great deal of thought,

And we feel That it would be best

To wait until you're older Before we look for your mom.

Why?

Well, 3j, This kind of thing,

Grownups have a hard time Dealing with.

You're only 9-years-old.

But if you wait until You're a little older,

I promise you...

That we will look For your mom together.

Okay?

Okay.

What's the good news?

Well...

3j, you have been Living with us For over a year now,

And...Well...

We consider you family.

And if it's okay with you, We'd like to make it official.

Official?

Mm-hmm.

Harriette and I would Like to adopt you.

Are you serious?

Yes, I am.

You wanna adopt me?

Very much.

Aw, shucks!

Okay. So I'll tell you what.

Why don't you go score us A couple of gum balls

While I settle Our bill, okay?

Okay.

Alright.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

No. I mean Thank you for...

For letting me See my son.

He's pretty special, Isn't he?

Yeah.

And he's lucky to have A family that loves him.

Nah. We're the lucky ones.

I got the gum balls.

And I got you the red one

'cause I know that's Your favorite color...Dad.

Thank you, son.

Bye-bye.

Bye.