Original subtitles

Hey ya, steve. Where have you been?

Oh, I took A long walk.

Hmm. Where to?

Pittsburgh.

Over 28 bucks in tolls.

Who knew They'd charge pedestrians?

Steve, you went On a 400-mile walk?

What is that, Power walking

For the chronically Loopy?

Well, go ahead And laugh,

But look at all These bottle caps I found.

Steve, I'm trying to--

Hey. Fresca!

And a crush, too.

Uh, laura,

The reason why I took That long walk is because...

There's something That's been gnawing At my belly, and...

Well, I think We need to talk About it.

What is it, steve?

Well, ever since You professed your--

Your romantic Feelings for me,

I feel Like I'm caught

In this weird, Wacky love triangle!

Steve, I have feelings For you and stefan.

And I am doing my best To work them out.

Well, maybe it would Help if I knew

What kind of Triangle I was in.

See, if it's an Isosceles triangle,

I got a lot of Catching up to do.

If it's equilateral, Well, then I'm doing Better

Than I thought.

If it's scalene, Oh, just give it To me straight.

I can take it.

Steve, believe me,

It's as hard on me As it is on you.

Oh, I don't Stand a chance.

You and I have Never even been out

On a real date.

What am I Going to do?

Well, here's A fresh thought.

Why don't you Ask me out?

[snap] Yeah, right!

I've been So shocked and amazed

That you're no longer Repulsed by me

That I've completely Neglected to ask you out.

Well, in that case,

Laura lee...

Yes, steve?

Would you go out With me this friday night?

Sorry, I'm busy.

Boy, I just walked Right into that one.

But I'm free Saturday night.

Hallelujah!

Hell has finally Frozen over!

Yee-hah!

* I've got a date With laura *

* I've got A date with laura *

Steve...

* I've got a date With laura... *

Steve.

Get a grip.

Steve: I can't help it.

This is the happiest day Of my entire life.

Actually, I'm happy, too.

"Actually, I'm happy, too."

We'll go out To dinner on Saturday night.

Yeah. We'll have A romantic meal At amore's.

Eek!

Amore's?

That's our restaurant!

Ooh. I heard Their salmon Is to die for.

I hope you choke On a bone, you hag.

And, laura, I promise you,

Saturday night

Will be The most wonderful night

Of your entire life.

[bump]

Ooh!

Okay. Okay. Alright.

Did you hear?

I got a date with laura.

Oh, huh!

That date Will never happen,

Or my name isn't Myra boutros boutros monkhouse.

Humph!

Announcer: but the dumbest Bank robber of all

Has to be leonard mulfurd.

Leonard couldn't afford A real gun,

Or even a toy gun,

So he painted his thumb And index finger

Gun-metal gray.

Ha ha ha ha!

That's a stupid man.

Ha ha ha!

Dad...

Hey, son.

Guess who scored The highest

At the police academy Firing range today.

Let me think.

Clint eastwood?

No. Me!

Shut up!

Yup. Ha ha!

Check out this grouping.

I'm the best in my class.

Hey, I guess

That investment In super nintendo

Finally paid off, Huh? Ha ha!

Dad.

No, I'm just Kidding, son.

This is some really Fine shooting.

Thanks.

I want you To remember,

It takes more To being a cop

Than putting 6 neat little holes In a target.

Oh, I know that, dad.

A shotgun makes One big hole.

Edward,

I know cops

Who've been On the force For 30 years

And have never Fired their gun On the job.

Well, maybe They ought to buy Some bullets.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Edward, you know, You sound a little Too trigger-happy.

You know, I think You should-- Oh, dad!

Hey, what's For dinner?

You know, all this Gunplay can make A brother hungry.

Yeah, but If you, uh...

I'm a hungry man. I'm a hungry man.

Yeah...Brush those Pearly whites, baby.

Ooh, rinsing. Yes!

[gargling]

Ooh. Sing For me, baby!

[knock on door]

Just a minute.

Entrez vous.

Hey, myra, You wanted to see me--

Did you ever See the movie

Fatal attraction?

No.

Rent it. It's about you.

Have a seat, stef.

I'll get right To the point.

You and I Are a lot alike.

We're both... Gorgeous--ha ha--

And we're in love With fabulous people.

So?

So...

Those 2 fabulous people

Are going out This saturday night

With each other.

Steve?

You got it, baby.

And my laura?

She won't be your laura

This saturday night.

Uh-uh. No way.

Way. Steve will Take laura home...

Oh, no. I don't want To hear any more.

Uh, steve and laura Will sit on the sofa...

And you know What laura's like

When she sits on Comfortable furniture.

Uh-oh.

They'll talk, They'll smile,

They'll laugh-- Ha ha--

They'll look into Each others' eyes,

And then they'll... They'll...

Don't go there.

Oh, god!

The thought of My sweet, sexy stevie

In the arms of another!

[weeping]

Okay, we got To do something.

[brightly] Here's a thought.

You and I

Can prevent This tragedy.

How?

You're taking Laura out the night Before, right?

Right.

All you have to do

Is make sure Laura arrives home

At exactly 10:45.

But what's gonna Happen at 10:45?

Ha ha! Don't you worry

Your pretty little head About that, model boy.

All you need to know

Is that the natural order Of the universe

Will be restored.

And laura Will be mine?

Forever.

Do we have a deal?

I don't know, myra.

I feel like I'm making A deal with the devil.

Okay, I'm in.

I mean, look, When we graduate,

I hope I get assigned To a precinct

With a lot of action.

You know, I want To hit the mean streets.

I'm talking shoot-outs,

Robberies, car chases, The whole 9.

You know What I'm saying?

I just want a squad car With air-conditioning.

Settle down, people. Settle down.

[chattering]

Shut your pie holes!

[silence]

Cadets, today we have

A surprise Guest instructor--

Captain carl winslow From the 8th precinct.

Dad.

Captain winslow and I Were cadets together...

22 years ago.

Yeah, back when they Taught this class

With crossbows.

Well, Moving right along...

Class, up until now, All you've been doing

Is plain old Target practice,

But now we're gonna add A new element:

The judgment factor.

Sometimes you only Have a split-second To determine

If your target Is a good guy

Or a bad guy.

Who'd like to go first?

Why not? Alright!

Cadet winslow To the firing line.

Yes, sir!

Careful. That's a loaded gun.

That's the only kind There is, sir.

Alright.

Now, 5 targets will Pop up at random.

You have to use Your judgment To determine

Which ones to shoot.

Alright.

Now, you're on The night shift.

You get a call to go Down to the docks. Are you ready?

Yes, sir. Alright.

Instructor: Stand by to fire!

Good!

Very good!

Eddie: ha ha ha!

Looky there. Looky there.

I shot All the criminals.

Ha ha ha!

And you also shot an Innocent bystander

And a hostage.

You know, The whole point To this exercise

Is to use Good judgment...

Which you failed to Do, cadet winslow.

Yeah, but They're just cardboard! I was on a roll!

Zip it, cadet!

Give me your weapon.

Watch the rest Of the class.

Perhaps you'll Learn something.

Hi, baby.

Hi, ma.

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing. It's just that

I can't ever Show my face again

At the police academy, Thanks to dad.

Did he show everyone Your baby pictures?

Worse.

Alright, mom.

We're at The firing range,

And I make One little mistake.

Dad freaks out And overreacts

Like he usually does

And takes away My weapon in front Of everybody,

Like I'm a little kid Or something.

Well, what mistake Did you make?

Ehh...

I shot Some civilians.

How many?

Well...

All of them.

Eddie, you Really shouldn't Be shooting

Innocent people.

Ma...

They're pictures Made of cardboard.

Yes, honey, But they represent people,

Made out of flesh.

I'm sorry, But I have to side With your father

On this one.

Oh, come on!

Well, if there was A top 10 list of things Not to do as a cop,

I bet you Shooting civilians

Would be In there somewhere.

Well, you know, Everything was fine

Till captain winslow Came down there

Strutting his stuff,

Trying to show Everybody what to do

And grabbing My weapon and stuff.

And I was minding My own business, I didn't have...

[whining on]

[doorbell chimes]

I'll get it!

Oh.

I'm the only one home.

Disregard!

Myra. Wh-what are you Doing here?

I'm here to see you, Silly billy.

Myra,

We broke up.

We're history.

Milli vanilli Stands a better chance

Of getting back together.

Oh?

Well, maybe you'll Change your mind

After you see...

This!

Whoo!

Mama.

Like what you see?

[panting]

I thought This might brighten Your light bulb

Just a bit.

Myra, You look nice, but...

It's all for naught.

I'm in love With laura, and...

And I will never Betray her under Any circumstan--

[polka music playing]

Polka music?

I just love this song. Don't you?

No, not really.

Doesn't do Diddley for me.

Oh?

Well, uh...

It makes me wanna...

Polka. Oh!

Polka till I...

Plotz.

Ooh! Ah...Ah...

Stevie...

How long has it been Since you've Done the...

Polka?

A long tiiime...

Have you, uh...

Polkaed by yourself?

A few times...

Up in my room...

When eddie Wasn't watching...

Hup!

Whoo-whee!

Whoo-whee!

Let it loose, baby!

Oh...

No! No! No! No! No!

I will not Let it loose!

You--you wicked, Wicked temptress!

Have you no shame?

Nope.

Dancing gives My tummy the grumbles.

Care to join me In some...

String cheese?

Oh, no.

Not cheeeese!

Open the hangar.

Here comes The cheese plane.

Vroom!

Steve.

Oh, my.

Laura.

Th-th-this...

This isn't what It looks like.

Dad?

Hey, son.

Sergeant keresey said

That you wanted To see me.

Yeah. I thought That we'd take Another crack

At this Target shoot.

Ha. But it's saturday.

I mean, wouldn't it be More fun to wait

And embarrass me In front of The whole class?

Edward,

Believe it or not,

The last thing I want to do Is embarrass you.

I'm simply Trying to say

That it's important To use good judgment

When using Your firearm.

And I'm simply Trying to say,

What's the big deal?

Edward, can we Give this a try?

Yeah.

Alright, you ready?

Mm-hmm.

What the--

Dad...

That's laura.

Yeah.

You just killed Your sister.

Oh, my god.

You know, son, That's why it's important

To use good judgment.

When you're out On the street,

Those will be real people In your line of fire,

Not cardboard cutouts.

And all those people Have families

And friends.

Dad...

I want to be A good cop.

I know you do, son.

And if I didn't think

That you had The potential to Be a great one,

I wouldn't be So hard on you.

Understand?

Yes, sir.

I understand.

Come on, Let's get some pizza.

Hey, dad.

Hmm?

Um, if it's cool With you, I...

I'd rather stay And practice.

You would?

Yeah.

Sounds good to me.

Cool. Let's do it. Alright!

Oh.

Hi.

Hello, steve.

Hmm. Things seem Mighty frosty

In that kitchen.

[giggling]

Steve: uh, laura,

Can we talk about

What happened Last night?

Oh, come on, Laura, tell him.

"I don't ever want to see

Your two-timing face again."

Sure, steve.

Tramp!

Oh-whee! Look At that uvula!

Laura,

I always thought I was a strong person,

But when myra showed up In that...

Sexy lederhosen and...

And polka music...

And string cheese,

Well...

I just lost All control.

I went Totally hormonal.

Well, steve, I can understand

Why you would want To be with myra.

I mean, Let's face it. She's A very pretty girl.

The word is "Gorgeous," honey.

And I realized Something tonight, Too.

Here it comes.

When I saw you Kissing myra,

I felt...

Well, I felt A little jealous.

What?

What?!

For a moment I was afraid

That you'd gone back To myra forever,

And it made me Realize that I wanted to give

Our relationship A chance.

No, no, no!

So--so you're saying

You'll still go out With me?

You bet.

Next saturday night.

Yesss!

No!

Saturday night it is.

I'll be ready.

And, steve?

Yeah?

Here's A sneak preview.

This isn't over yet...

Missy.

Next time on Family matters...

I'm just a little giddy.

Tonight's my big date With laura.

For a moment There I thought you said

You actually had A date with laura.

I do.

Oh! Myra's been Spying on me!

Myra, do you have An explanation for this?

I had every right To do that.

You had no right Whatsoever.

Oh!

Then sorry.

If you tell me what you like I'll order it for you.

Why would I do that?

Because sometimes fancy cool Guys order for their women.

That does it, myra!

For the last time, It's over!

You are not to Write me, call me,

Fax me, anything me!

Is that clear?

Want to see a movie tonight?