Original subtitles

Mail call!

Whoo.

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

Lookie here.

"Family urkel Is the proud winner

Of $10 million!"

Ha ha!

Okay. Let's--

Uh-oh.

It's judgment day. Our report cards are here.

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Gimme, gimme, gimme!

I'm dying to see what I Got in advanced calculus.

Yeah! And I'm dying To see what I got

In subatomic nuclear Macrobiotics.

I'm dying to see What I got in volleyball.

I got straight as!

Aah! Aah!

Ooh! I got Straight a-pluses!

Aah! Aah!

I got straight cs!

Heh heh!

Ohh!

Except for these 3 ds.

Oh, yes, well, That's bad, yes.

Steve: that's bad.

Well, buck up, eddo.

Volleyball is a lot tougher Than it looks.

But we got straight as!

[jabbering excitedly]

[sighs]

[door opens]

Hey, dad.

Hey, son.

Uh, you got a minute?

Ohh, edward,

My feet hurt, My back aches,

And I got a stabbing pain Right between my eyes.

Does this have to be now?

Yeah.

What is it?

Uh...

Got my report card.

Oh! How'd you do?

Not so hot.

Edward, you got A "D" in volleyball.

Dad, it's a coed class.

I get distracted!

You know.

Edward, these grades Are terrible.

Well...Let's look at The bright side, dad.

At least I passed. Heh heh.

You think This is funny, son?

No, sir, dad. Not at all.

Edward, there's Gotta be an explanation,

And I would really Love to hear it.

Edward, say something!

What have you been Doing all this time, Goofing off?

I mean-- Out partying all night--

Wine, women, and song At my expense?

Dad, I got one girl,

I don't like wine,

And I haven't Felt like singing in months.

Well, then, edward, What is the problem?

Son, I know You're not stupid.

Anybody that can Con an extra 50 bucks Out of me a week

Has got to be a genius.

I--I mean, I don't have any direction.

I don't know What I want to do With my life.

[sighs]

I mean, look at These courses, dad.

Can you tell me how "History of western Civilization"

Is gonna help me In life?

Yeah. It's called knowledge.

And knowledge is power.

Power that you need To get you where You're going, son.

Dad, that's just it.

I don't know Where I'm going.

I mean, I thought that After 2 1/2 years of college

That I'd have a better Idea, but I don't.

Well, let me Tell you something, son.

I can have sympathy

For somebody who has Not yet figured out

What they want to do In life,

Because, you know, It's a tough decision.

But I have no sympathy Whatsoever

For somebody who Does not try their best.

These grades

Are unacceptable!

Maxine: thanks again, Laura, for the dress!

Laura: uh-huh. Don't spill anything on it.

I gotta return it To vicki tomorrow.

Steve, what is That nasty smell?

Eh, I'm just having Some porcupine taquitos.

Why?

I like to suck down Some porcupine When I'm depressed.

I buy shoes.

You see, max, I'm in love with laura.

I always have been.

But she wouldn't give me The time of day In a clock shop.

So I hooked up with My sexy snuggle buns myra.

But lo and behold,

Laura is actually Starting to like me.

So in the interest Of fairness,

I have to break it off With myra

So she may snuggle Another's buns.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Did you say something?

Oh, not really. I was just Pouring my heart out,

Sharing my innermost Thoughts and feelings.

Oh. Bye.

Mmm!

Mighty fine porcupine.

Wha--oh! Oh!

Quill.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

[sucking]

Mmm!

Mmm!

Tasty morsel.

Hi, my little Love basket.

Isn't it a happy, Zippy, skippy day?

Oh, yes, indeedy, sweetie.

On the way over I said to myself,

Self, I said,

You are the luckiest posy In the flower garden

Because your handsome Bachelor button Is the best of the bunch.

Oh, stop it.

Oh, you're so bashful.

That makes me hot.

Okay, myra--

Myra-- Myra, myra, please!

Sit down! Sit down!

There's something We need to discuss!

Oh, we can talk later Over dinner.

I made us reservations

At that romantic New restaurant, amore's.

And, uh, Wear something sexy.

Rrrr!

But, myra, really, We have to--

Gotta go, stevie. Mommy and I Are taking our shar-pei

For a tummy tuck.

But it's a dog.

I know, but after The septuplets,

She never really Got her figure back.

Oh, boy.

Dad.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, I know you're busy, But, um,

I've been giving our Conversation about college A lot of thought,

And, uh, well, I've made some decisions.

Well, good, Let's hear them.

These bills Can wait.

The longer I get To talk to you,

The longer I get To keep my money.

Well, dad, first off, You're right.

There's no point In me going to college

If I'm not going To buckle down and study.

Exactly.

So I've decided To drop out.

Edward, please, Tell me that This is a joke.

No, dad, I'm serious. I've really thought About this.

Edward, you could Not have thought About this whatsoever!

Dad, calm down! No, I will not Calm down now!

We're talking About your future.

What you seem to want To throw away!

Dad, I'm not Throwing it away.

Yes, you are.

You got a problem And you're running Away from it.

You got bad grades,

But instead of Working hard to bring Your grades back up,

You want to quit. You want to just walk away.

Dad, I'm not walkin'--

Yes, you are. Now you listen to me.

No, dad, why don't You listen to me?

Now, I was Up all night Thinking about this,

And I kept Asking myself,

"What do I want To do with my life?"

So I made a list.

Dad, I want to do Something that makes A difference.

I want to work With people that I Respect and admire.

I want a job That's different and Exciting every day.

And what kind of Fairy tale job is that?

Hmm?

It's your job, dad.

I want to be a cop.

Creme brule And a hot cheese sundae.

Yummers!

Mmm.

Sweet nectar.

French vanilla ice cream And melted kraft singles.

Don't tell me There's no god.

Stevie, there's Some shmutz on your Chinny chin chin.

Oh, oh, I'll get it.

Oh!

There.

Oh, ahh, thank you. You headed off A tongue cramp.

Myra, there's something Tres importante We need to discuss.

Oh, really? Well, There's something on My mind, too, stevie.

That's why I wanted us To have dinner Here tonight.

Oh, well, ladies first.

Steven, there's No easy way To say this,

But I-- I'm afraid the time Has come for us

To take a long And hard look At our relationship.

I could not agree With you more.

We've drifted apart These past few months.

Exactly.

I mean, You've changed.

Take tonight, For example.

I ask you to wear Something sexy.

Yet I see no tight Bun-hugging pants,

Waistline neatly Snugged just below The nipples.

No sexy suspenders, No dashing bow tie.

Just that long icky Thing dangling From your neck.

You don't like my tie?

Well... Whoa, whoa, Wait, wait!

Ow, ow, ow, Whoa, whoa!

What I'm trying To say is

That I Desperately miss The old steve urkel.

But, myra, I'm not The man I used to be.

Steven.

I'm breaking up With you.

Excuse me?

Bye, dear steven.

I'll always treasure Our times together.

The midnight polkas, The all-night Cheese binges,

The first annual Caterpillar rodeo.

Oh, we lived fast And played hard, baby.

Au revoir, Mon cher.

Au revoir.

Yo, taxi!

[whistles]

Hey, welcome to The lock-up, son.

Favorite watering hole For off-duty police officers.

Hey, carl, Long time no see.

Hey, phil, How you doing?

Hey, so I hear You're a captain Now, huh?

Yeah.

What, are you Too stuck up

To drink with us Regular guys?

That's pretty Much it, phil.

Hey, uh, phil, I'd like you To meet my son.

Edward winslow, Phil d'angelo.

Hey, nice to Meet you, eddie.

Same to you, phil.

Your old man's One of the best.

Yeah, he is. Oh, well.

What'll it be, fellas?

Uh, give me 2 beers And a coke for my son.

Dad!

2 beers, phil.

Hey, phil and I graduated From the academy together.

He shot up so fast Through the ranks.

He's got more commendations Than you can shake a stick at.

Oh, then, um, what's He doing here, dad?

Well, one night, Phil and his partner Answer a call.

Robbery in progress At a jewelry store.

Just as they pull up,

The door bursts open, Robber comes running out, Clerk right behind him.

Shoots 5 times, Completely misses The robber,

Hits phil twice.

Luckily, they were Both in the head.

Hey, phil was In the hospital For almost a year.

They gave him a desk job, But he hated pushing papers,

So he bought this place.

Wow, that's intense.

You think that's intense?

See that guy over there?

Mm-hmm.

That's jimmy cooper.

Jimmy lost his partner In a high-speed chase About 3 months ago.

Jimmy was driving.

We don't know If he'll ever Get off of that stool.

I bet if you take a poll,

Almost half of the cops In here have been married At least twice.

Why?

Well, police work Is a highly stressful job.

Some cops Bring that stress home

And take it out On their families.

Others hold it all inside And keep it to themselves.

Dad, why are you Telling me all Of this stuff?

Because I'm worried, Son, that you have A glamorized image

Of what it takes To be a police officer.

I mean, no question It's an exciting and Sometimes rewarding job,

But you need to understand That there are real risks Involved here, son.

I realize that, dad.

Okay. And is this Still something That you want to do?

You bet it is.

Hey, listen up, everybody.

You all are looking at One very proud man tonight.

Because my son Has decided that he wants To be a police officer.

All: alright!

Here's to edward winslow.

All: yeah!

You look purr-fectly Scrumptious, batman.

[growls]

[sighs]

Hey, steve.

Hello, laura lee.

Well, sir, ma'am, An era has finally Come to an end.

And I suppose You're going to tell me What era that might be.

Myra broke up with me.

You're kidding.

She's crazy About you.

And I do mean crazy.

She thinks I have changed.

The way I dress, The way I act.

She says she doesn't even Recognize me anymore.

Well, steve, It's true. You are changing.

But if you ask me, I think it's For the better.

[deep voice] Oh, really?

Yes, really.

Laura, the irony is I was going to break up With myra tonight.

You were? Why?

Because I wanted To have a clear path...

Through the jungle Of love.

From your heart To my hut.

Steve, did you have Wine with dinner?

If you're asking Whether or not I'm intoxicated,

The answer is yes. Yes, yes, yes!

A thousand times yes.

I'm drunk on you, baby.

And I always have been.

What am I going To do with you, Steve urkel?

Just love me, laura.

Love me like I love you.

Come here.

Aah!

Myra!

Don't you myra me. How could you Betray me like this?

Betray you?

Well, 2 hours ago, You broke up With me.

Why, you tossed me Aside like a smelly Gym sock.

Oh, fish sticks. I wasn't dumping you.

That was a carefully Orchestrated charade

Designed to drive you Back into my arms.

Girl, you really Scare me.

Steven, if you think I let you go

Just so you could Get on with your life,

You're one bearded lady Short of a freak show.

Now you're Scaring me, too.

I want you to stop Being this silly new steve

And come crawling back to me And beg my forgiveness.

Please!

I'm sorry, myra.

* mama likes To oom pah pah *

* oom pah pah, oom pah All night long *

Stop! Stop!

Enough of The devil's polka.

Now, myra, This breakup Was for the best.

Laura and I-- Oh, I see!

It's laura again.

It's always Laura, laura, laura.

For the life of me, I can't understand What you see in this...

Strumpet.

Strumpet?

I got your strumpet.

Yeah, I called You strumpet.

So come on, miss red.

The red what? They're red, yeah, So what?

Girls, girls, girls!

Girls, girls, girls!

Don't fight over me.

Even though it's My dream come true.

Steven, I've changed my mind And I want you back.

I'm sorry, myra, But it's over.

This is all Your fault, missy.

You may have Won the battle...

But you will Never win the war.

Steven q. Urkel Is my man.

And I won't let him go Without a fight.

Aah!

Aah, look At these gummies.

Ooh!

Argh.

[doorbell rings]

No pain, no gain.

Myra!

Last chance, steven.

Come back to me now And all will be forgiven.

Reject me and Suffer the consequences.

Myra, I'm sorry, But for the last time, It's over.

Well, then, you Leave me no recourse

But to take Legal action.

Steven, I am suing You for alienation Of affection.

Oh, puh-lease!

You'd need the best Attorney in america

To win a trumped-up case Like that.

Is this The defendant?

Johnnie cochran!

Mr. Urkel, you made An oral contract With my client

When you professed Your love for her.

You still have His science pen, Don't you?

Right here, johnnie. Exhibit a.

Good girl.

We'll prove beyond A shadow of a doubt

That you knowingly, Willfully, And maliciously

Stole the best years Of this woman's life,

Leaving her emotionally Bereft, devastated,

Yes, and worse, single.

But--but she looks Okay to me.

Wait till you See her in court.

Don't you start!

Oh, don't you start!

Ha ha.

I'm goin' down.