Original subtitles

What's up, cuz?

Oh!

What you doing? Get out!

Get out! Get out!

I told you, open-- Open the door.

Shoot. What's Your problem, man?

Why are you gonna do Your favorite cousin Like that?

You know very well you are Not my favorite cousin,

Mr. Cornelius eugene urkel.

I told you never To call me that.

Oh, are you still going By that ridiculous moniker,

Original gansta dawg?

That's o.G.D. To you,

And I dropped the urkel.

How could you?

The urkel name has Such a long, proud heritage.

In swahili, it means, "Rejoice, a giraffe Is downwind."

Man, get out Of my face with that.

So, o.G.D., what Brings you to chicago?

Yo, I felt in the mood To flow with my cuz.

I thought We'd kick it a bit.

Ha!

You want money, right?

4 gs.

$4,000?

Yo, hey, I got Into a little trouble

With this dude Named fresh squeeze.

He loaned me some money To buy a new stereo.

I paid him back. 20% interest, too.

Well, what's The problem?

Now he wants 600%.

Well, here's a thought:

This fresh squeeze fella Just might be A loan shark.

Look, steve, if I don't get this money,

Fresh squeeze is gonna Press the juice out of me.

Well, I'm sorry, O.G.D.

I don't have That kind of moola.

You're gonna have to Figure this one out On your own.

I'm off to visit Our uncle Admiral omar urkel.

He's gonna let me Spend a few days on A nuclear submarine.

So can I stay here While you gone?

You can't Even stay here While I'm here.

Now let's go.

[hip-hop music blaring]

Hey, steve.

Another new look?

Not bad.

Thanks, boo,

But I ain't steve.

Well, then who are you,

And what are you doing In my house?

Ha ha. I'm o.G.D., Steve's cousin From detroit.

Ha ha. Wait, wait, wait.

You're actually Related to steve?

Hey, man, I'm 3j,

And you look way too cool To be an urkel.

I'm eddie, but you Can call me e-dub.

Word. Ahh.

And you...

Must be the legendary Laura winslow.

Oh, yeah. Steve was right.

You are finer Than halle berry.

Mm-hmm, and I bet You got more lines Than the phone company.

Well, what does O.G.D. Stand for?

Original gansta dawg.

Your mama name you that?

No, I did,

Right after My mama left me.

I was raised By my grandma.

So did steve Let you in?

Yeah. He said It'd be straight If I crashed here for 72.

You feeling me?

Excuse me?

Uh, mama, I believe that...

O.G.D. Wants To know if it's okay

If he stays here For the weekend.

I guess since he's Steve's cousin...

He can stay For the night.

Yeah. Good.

Hey, 3j must Really like you.

He's loaning you His dinosaur pillow.

Of course he likes me.

What's not to like?

Oh, baby got back!

Yeah? Well, Baby got fist, too.

Now, see...

Why you have to Be so mean?

I'm not mean.

Look, I even brought you An extra blanket.

Girl, you got me So hot,

I don't need No blanket.

[sighs]

Why are you so bad?

'cause I'm So good at it.

Oh, do you think so?

Oh, I know so.

Now, when you Gonna stop playing These games

And give me Some play?

Look, o.G.D.

I'm trying to decide Between 2 guys,

And, babes, If I were looking,

You're not my type.

Oh, really? And, uh...

What's your type?

Well, guys with their names On credit cards,

Not their arms.

Oh, you got jokes.

Oh, yes, I do.

Well, you see, I ain't trying To put you on lockdown.

Okay?

Just give a brother Some love.

I am a guest.

Alright. Look...

Missy elliott's Performing

At the sizzle club Tomorrow night. You want to come?

Mmm. I'm down.

But we're just Going as friends.

This is not a date.

Friends can be Lovers, too, you know?

You know, That's really catchy.

You should put that On your other arm.

I like her. I like her.

What's up, o.G.?

Hey, 3j, What's happening, Little man?

Nothing.

Got this dope cd For you, man.

It's off the hook.

Oh, bro, thanks.

Yo, yo, yo, I got A cd for you, too.

Really?

And, these brothers, They keep it real.

Oh, thanks, man.

Dang.

Your tattoos Are all that.

I would get me one, But, uh...

I hate needles.

Well, you know, a real man Can handle the pain.

I can handle the pain.

Oh, you think so?

Yep.

Well, uh, let's see What you got. Oh.

Oh, now I'm gonna Whup you like Your mama used to do.

Oh, wait. Don't get me started.

Don't get me started.

Don't get it start-- Oh! Oh!

Don't get it started. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Watch the elbow.

Watch the elbow. Don't walk into that, now.

Whoop.

Oh. Who called 5-0?

That's mr. W. He lives here.

Oh. Ain't nobody Say anything

About no cops Living here.

Well--ha ha...

Who do we have here?

Mr. W., this is o.G.D.,

Steve's cool cousin.

He's staying with us.

Oh, really? Heh heh.

So where you from, O.--you know.

Detroit.

Detroit. Oh.

Are you in school?

Nope.

Well, why not?

Yo, money, what's With the third degree?

Well, first of all, The name is mr. Winslow, Not money,

And second of all, I think I have the right

To know a little bit About the people who Are staying in my house.

But, mr. W.-- Hmm?

O.G.D.'s legit.

I mean, we've been Kicking it all day.

He even gave me This cool cd.

Oh, yeah? Let's see that.

Now, 3j...

Now, you know That I do not approve

Of this kind of music.

I do not Want you listening

To lyrics that Put down the police.

What's the matter? You don't want the kid To hear the truth?

I think it's about time You head on up To bed now, huh?

Alright.

Night, homey.

Night, little man.

Now, looky here. Uh...

You are not my son,

So I can't tell you What kind of lyrics To listen to,

But as long As you're in this house,

This--this kind of music Is off-limits.

Now, that's censorship.

What about My freedom of speech?

Well, now, son, You know, you are free

To speak whatever You want to out there,

But when you're In this house,

I will not tolerate Disrespect.

You see, I'm an officer Of the law,

And I'm very, Very proud of it.

I work for the people.

I serve and protect them.

Not people like me.

'cause I can't go anywhere

Without cops like you Harassin' me For no good reason.

Maybe if you didn't Come off like a criminal...

You wouldn't be Treated like one.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who you calling A criminal?

Son, step back Off of me, now.

No. You gonna Touch my pants,

And you gonna Call me a criminal!

Hey, what's going on Down here?

What's going on Down here is Police harassment.

What? Carl, what Is he talking about?

Harriette, I do not Trust this kid.

But, carl--

And since When did we

Start opening up Our home To hoodlums?

Well, he's not a hoodlum. He's steve's cousin.

Well, I don't care Who he is.

He got to go.

Carl!

Bet! I'm gone!

Carl, we can't send A kid out in the street--

This is not a kid! This is a man!

And this man Can take care of himself!

No diggity!

Now, wait a minute.

You two are Being ridiculous.

The only thing Ridiculous

Is this wild-haired Little gangster

Sassin' me In my own living room!

Hey, I'm just speakin' The truth,

And you can't take it.

Carl! Carl! Where you going?!

I'm going out Before I do something That I might regret.

Oh.

You listen to me, Young man.

If you're gonna Stay in my house,

You better check That attitude At the door!

Hello, carl.

Feeling A little calmer now?

Yeah, yeah.

I just kept walking Around the block

Until I cooled off.

Carl, you were gone For 2 hours.

I was pretty steamed, Harriette.

That kid really Got under my skin.

Honey, I can understand Why you're so upset.

I mean, he's a...

Very confused Young man.

That kid is trouble, Harriette.

Carl, you stormed Out of here

Before I could tell you That I called o.G.D.'s Grandmother in detroit.

Mmm. What's her name, u.P.S.?

Honey, she's A very sweet lady,

And she says that o.G.D. Is a good kid.

It's just that he Hasn't had an easy life.

He is a thug, harriette.

He lives the lifestyle Of a gangster,

And gangsters hate cops.

Well, carl, Unfortunately, Where he comes from,

The police Are considered The enemy,

So he doesn't Trust cops.

But you can change All that.

How?

By showing him That most police

Are decent, Fair people.

But, harriette, Aren't you just A little bit concerned

That he might have A negative influence On richie and 3j?

You know, carl,

He hasn't had The advantages that Our kids have had,

And so, yeah, He's a little rough Around the edges,

But let's Be optimistic.

Instead of worrying That o.G.D. Will Rub off on the kids,

Let's just hope That we rub off On him.

Oh, well.

[mumbles]

Yeah. Ha ha.

[hip-hop music plays]

Oh, yeah. This place Is slammin'.

Yeah. They get All the best Artists.

Not to mention The ratio of homeys To honeys is 3-1.

Ha ha. Well, I don't care What the odds are,

'cause you know the e-dub Always gets his share.

Oh, yeah. 1, 2, 1, 2.

Is everybody ready to party?

[cheering]

Make some noise. Make some noise.

Give it up for the hottest Rap artist around,

Missy "Misdemeanor" elliott.

Let's hear it.

* hey, yo, you know what? *

* me am super fly, Super-duper fly, ha *

* hey, yo, hey, yo, Hey, yo *

* ahh, ahh, ahh *

* yo, yo, yo, yo *

* uh-huh, We are super fly *

* fly, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh *

* say what? *

* say what? *

* say what? Uh-huh *

* I was lookin' For affection, uh-huh *

* so I decided to go *

* swingin' in my direction, Say what? *

* I'll be out of control, Uhh *

* let's take it To perfection, uh-huh *

* just you and me, uh-huh *

* let's see if you can Bring, bring, bring *

* the nasty out of me *

* n-n-now sock it to me *

* ooh, ahh *

* sock it to me Like you want to-o *

* I can take it like a pro, You know, uh-huh *

* do a long throw with The backstroke, uh-huh *

* my hormones jumpin' Like a disco, yeah *

* I'll be poppin' nasty Like some crisco *

* and all you gotta say Is let's go *

* uh, what'd you say? Yeah *

[music playing]

[doorbell ringing]

Can I help you?

I'm looking for o.G.D.

Oh, well, he's not here.

Who are you?

I'm fresh squeeze.

And your boy Owes me some money.

Well, first of all, squeeze--

He's not my boy.

Okay, let me make this Easy for you.

You tell me where he is,

Or I collect the money from you.

Well, since you Put it that way

Let me take you To where he is.

How many cows did it take To make that coat?

?? Took to make that belt.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, this is my jam Right here.

Come on, girl. Let's dance.

No, thanks. I'm kind of tired.

Well, I'm tired, too.

I'm tired Of all these games.

Now, when you gonna Give me some play?

When you get some game.

I know the women in detroit Don't fall for Those tired lines.

Oh, but, baby, You not knowing?

The ladies Love some o.G.D.

Well, not as much As o.G.D. Loves o.G.D.

Ooh. Ouch. You went there.

Yeah, I did.

Excuse me.

Laura, will you go To the ladies' room With me?

I don't have to go,

But I will by the time We get to the front Of the line.

[cell phone rings]

[ring]

Who this?

Who is this?

Depends on What you sellin'.

Well, I'd like To talk to laura. This is her man, stefan.

Oh, really?

Well, tell me Something.

If you her man,

Why is she out With me tonight?

Could you Give me a sec?

Look, I don't Have time for jokes.

I have to be On the runway In 5 minutes.

Now, who is this?

This is o.G.D., Steve's cousin From detroit.

Well, o.G.D., Would you please Put laura on the phone?

I'm calling long distance From italy.

Oh, one second, Bro.

I'm gonna Let you holler At my man tone.

Yes. Tone? Who is tone?

[telephone rings]

Hello. Civilian observer Urkel speaking.

Steve, this is stefan.

What is with This bizarre cousin Of yours, o.G.D.?

Huh?

Well, he stopped By the house

A couple of days ago, Begging for a handout,

But I kicked His keister

Every which way But loose.

Really? Well, he's Back for the weekend,

And get this: He's hitting on laura.

Whoa!

[siren]

Steve?

Just a sec, stefan.

Uh...Captain...

I did it again.

You might want to Self-destruct that baby.

My bad.

Whoo. I hope those things Aren't expensive.

Alright, stefan, Back to important matters.

Let's conference call This o.G.D.

Man, what Do you want?

Cornelius eugene urkel,

What in high holy heck Are you up to?

Nothin', man. Just Hangin' out with laura.

Well, I want you and your Dreadful do back in detroit.

And you can go back on a bus or In a box.

It's up to you.

Oh, that's big talk From a dude

All the way In italy.

Oh, oh, oh, Well, I'm not in italy,

And I can be home By tomorrow morning.

[siren]

Darn.

Hey, daddy.

Hey. How was The concert?

Oh, missy Was the bomb.

I'm assuming that That's a good thing.

Yes. I am exhausted.

I'll see you guys In the morning.

Okay. Night.

Night.

Goodnight...

Cornelius.

So, um, c.O.D., Can I have a word With you?

What, man? You gonna Shake me down again?

I just wanted To let you know

That your friend... Squeeze stopped by.

Oh, yo, I'm outta here.

Ahem. You don't Have to run.

You're safe here.

You don't know Squeeze, man.

I ain't safe Anywhere.

Yeah, well, I had a little talk

With your friend squeeze, And, uh...

He won't be Bothering you anymore.

Well, what'd you do, Pay him off?

Better. I locked him up.

Serious?

Well, I recognized him.

He used to operate Here in chicago,

And he left town When we put A warrant out on him.

Well, how'd you get The drop on him?

Squeeze is A dangerous dude.

Well, I told him I was taking him To see you,

And on the way To the sizzle club,

We made a little detour To the precinct.

You should have seen him When about 5 cops

Surrounded my car And said, "Surprise."

Cool!

You know, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna get my stuff Together and...

I'll be out of here In the morning.

Well, now, you know, There's no rush.

You can stay A little longer If you like.

Hey, thanks.

You alright, mr. W.

So are you, o.G...D.

[carl laughs]

Man, I don't want You to leave.

There's so much I can learn from you.

I need you, o.G.

Know what, 3j?

Everything you need is Right here in this house.

You got a family That loves you.

That's all that matters.

Aha! There you are!

Yeah, what's up, steve?

You've been messing With my woman,

And now you're About to meet this Swabbie's wrath.

Hey, uh, look...

I'm gonna be out.

I'll catch y'all On the flip side.

Oh, well, In that case,

Make love, Not war.

Live long And prosper.

23 skidoo.

Yeah, I'm gonna Holler at you.

Okay, dude.

[stammering]

I thought that was Pretty cool.